Pinkie Pie Ruins Everything
Pinkie Pie Ruins Comic Book Ads
“Oooh and it's only ten bucks!” Button Mash exclaimed, holding up the comic book proudly.
Rumble grabbed the book from his friend, peering close at the price tag next to the ad. “Yeah three payments of ten bucks. Besides, look at them! Do you really think such weird glasses are really going to be able to see through clothes?”
Button Mash grabbed the comic back from his friend, proudly pointing a finger to the corner of the advertisement. “Of course. See? It says money back guarantee right in the corner.”
Rumble leaned closer, staring at the ad, in which a grinning colt wearing glasses with swirls painted on them was staring intently at a fully clothed mare who was blushing and covering her privates from the gaze of the x ray spectacle wearing stallion. Looking closely, the colt did indeed find a small section of the ad contained the aforementioned money back guarantee, as well as some really fine print he couldn't even read. “I dunno Button, that writing is real small. What if it says something like ‘only applicable in griffonia or something?” Rumble remarked.
“The comic was made in Equestria, they wouldn't do that.” Button Mash shot back, a lecherous grin suddenly crossing his face. “Think about it Rumble, I bet we could even see what's under Applebloom’s shirt.”
Rumble paused, his face growing red as he thought about his classmate whom had just gone through puberty. The colt shook his head suddenly, clearing his mind of any such dirty images. “I don't know Button Mash… This sounds kinda shady.”
“You should listen to your friend Button Mash.” A mysterious, feminine voice suddenly announced. “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.”
The boys both blinked, turning down to the comic, wherein a smiling Pinkie Pie was standing in the place of the blushing mare, only her hair was done up in a such a manner that it likely took an entire pound of hair gel just to make it stay that way. “In fact, almost everything you can buy in the back of these comics is total bullogney.” She announced, walking across the page and gesturing to the ads above and below the one she was still in.
“What? That's bullcrap! My friend said the x ray specs totally work!” Button Mash whined.
Pinkie Pie shook her head, crossing her arms over her cleanly pressed blue suit. “That's probably because he had what we in the industry call, buyers remorse.”
“Your telling me that all this stuff is junk?” Rumble asked.
“Yup!” Pinkie Pie nodded. “Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie from the fanfic your currently reading, Pinkie Pie ruins everything, and I’m here to tell you why x ray spectacles are a total hoax.”
Button Mash groaned. “Oh no.”
“Oh yes.” Pinkie Pie remarked, nodding her head. “In fact, not only are they fake, but the magic they purport to have, isn't even physically possible.”
“Wait, they can't do that!” Can they?” Rumble asked.
“Yup!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “And in order to help me explain this, I am going to have to introduce you to my good friend Twilight Sparkle who has a phd in magical theory and thaumatic resonance theory.”
“What's the point of that? I thought theories were yet to be proved.” Button Mash half asked half stated.
Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes. “Gravity is just a theory, but do you honestly not believe that it exists?” She asked, leaning closer.
“I guess…” Button Mash mumbled. “But then why do they call it a theory then huh?”
“We are getting off topic, but I’ll break it down for ya real quick like.” PInkie Pie leaned closer, her elbows resting on the corner of the panel she was in. “Gravity is definitely real but do you know how gravity reacts with say, a quark? Or do you know the particle responsible for gravity itself?”
The two boys blinked.
“Exactly.” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “Gravity and magic are no doubt real, but the finer details are still mysteries.” The party pony clapped her hands together, suddenly standing back up. “Now then, before we get off topic again, let's go see Twilight Sparkle.”
“How are we-” Rumble started to ask, only for a pair of pink hands to emerge from the comic book, grip their collars and drag them into the page.
With no one to hold it the comic it fell to the ground, closing shut behind them.
“Wait where are we?” Rumble asked, looking around.
“We are in Twilight’s bathroom!” Pinkie Pie announced, waving excitedly to a blushing alicorn laying in a tub, her hands desperately clutching a large rubber duck she definitely had not just been playing with. “Hi Twilight!”
“P-pinkie! What did I tell you about showing up in my bathroom without warning!” The alicorn yelled, magically pulling a bank of bubbles up to her chest, obscuring everything below her neck in fluffy white bubbles.
Button Mash said nothing, merely standing there with his jaw hanging open, a lecherous grin on his face.
“Don't worry about it Twilight, this is a teachable moment.” Pinkie Pie remarked with a shrug. “Now then, why don't you tell these boys why x ray specs aren't real.”
Twilight held up a finger, only to blink all of a sudden, her blush falling away in an instant. “Wait, you guys were going to buy a pair of those dumb glasses?”
Rumble shrugged. “Button Mash wanted to, but I thought it sounded kinda hoaky.”
The alicorn glanced over to the still silent Button Mash, who stood in the exact same spot, drool slowly collecting at the corner of his mouth and dribbling down his face. Twilight glowered silently at the colt, and then lit her horn, making a blindfold appear over the drooling colt’s face. “Wait, what the heck?” He whined, grabbing the blind fold only to find that he couldn't remove it. “Not funny guys!”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Well you were right to think that Rumble. Not only are they a waste of money they are totally impossible and would be very illegal.”
“Really?” Rumble asked. “I guess it makes sense though, you wouldn't want a bunch of kids looking under people’s clothes.”
“Not cool man!” Button Mash exclaimed before promptly running face first into the door and falling onto his butt. “I was finally going to see tits!”
Twilight snickered at Button Mash’s distress. “Your right Rumble. In fact I was there when princess Celestia signed a law making any such magic illegal in the off chance it did turn out to be possible.”
“Which doesn't matter anyway, since the glasses themselves are total bologna.” Pinkie Pie added.
“Exactly right Pinkie Pie.” Twilight exclaimed. “Scanning spells are designed to search the target for a single thing and indicate if it is on them or not. To make x ray glasses you would need to build a scanning spell from the ground up, something that hasn't been done in over a hundred and fifty years!”
“But that doesn't mean they couldn't have done it!” Button Mash yelled from his place on the ground, his hands still trying to pull the blindfold from his face.
“That's not how magical study works.” Twilight shook her head. “All new spells need to be catalogued with the center for magical research and I would know if such a spell existed.”
“Has anyone tried to make a kind of xray spell like in the ad?” Rumble asked.
“Yes and no.” Twilight sighed. “There is a very powerful spell used by healing magic experts that-”
“Aha!” Button Mash exclaimed, lifting a triumphant finger in the air. “I told you it's possible.”
“-that they use to see inside the pony’s body.” Twilight finished, glaring at the colt still laying on the floor.
“And I doubt you boys would want to see inside someone’s body.” Pinkie Pie giggled.
Button Mash finally managed to tear the mask from his face. “Hey, speak for yourself, that would be cool!”
“Oh really?” Pinkie Pie smirked, lifting her shirt up, revealing not the soft stomach and naughty bits Button Mash had anticipated but the squirming, writhing mass of pulsing organs and veins that filled the pink pony’s body.
“I regret everything.” Button Mash whispered before turning and heaving his lunch into Twilight’s toilet.
“Now if that's everything, would you kindly get the heck out of my bathroom?” Twilight asked impatiently, crossing her arms over her naked chest.
“Sorry miss Twilight.” Rumble apologized, bowing slightly.
“Yupperoonis!” Pinkie Pie ran a hand over her suit, smoothing out the creases. “Back to the arcade! Come on boys!”
“Wait, I’m not-” Button Mash tried to say, only to find himself and Rumble dragged into the paper resting on Twilight’s sink.
A second later the trio were standing back outside the arcade, with Button Mash mid vomit. Meaning the throw up he thought was going to go into Twilight’s toilet now ended up all over his comic book. “Aww come on! I spent my entire allowance on that.”
“Sheesh, someone’s stingy.” Pinkie Pie whispered.
Rumble laughed. “Actually he just refuses to do any real chores.”
“Hey! Those are girl’s jobs and I wont-” Whatever possibly sexist thing he was about to say was swiftly ended when Button Mash accidentally stepped in his fresh throw up, sending him ass over tea kettle.
With his face now firmly planted in his own vomit, Button Mash sighed. “I’ll be quiet now.” He muttered in defeat.
“At least some of them have to be real right?” Rumble asked. “What about those jumper things?”
“Trampoline feet?” Pinkie Pie shook her head. “They've caused forty one injuries in the last year alone. Also you only get like a foot of air.” The party pony stuck out her tongue in disgust.
“The mind reader?” Rumble asked.
“Emits radiation that causes hallucinations and vomiting.” Pinkie Pie replied without pause.
“Ahh…” Rumble tapped his chin, deep in thought.
“What about the card holder?” Rumble asked, wiping the last bit of vomit off his face. “That's gotta work right? I mean it just holds my gathering the magic cards.”
“Nah that ones fine, it's just extremely marked up.” Pinkie Pie shrugged. “You could get the same exact one at the corner store for half price.”
The colt cursed. “Those con artists!” He ground his heel into his book, only to slip once more. “Wha-”
Rumble hardly spared his friend a glance as he once more became intimately familiar with the ground. “So how do they get away with this anway? This can't be legal.”
“I’m glad you asked!” Pinkie Pie grabbed the colt by the shoulder and pulled him close, where she was pointing at the same tiny lettering they had seen earlier. “It's all because of this little disclaimer.”
Rumble snapped his fingers. “I knew it.”
“Yupperdoodles!” Pinkie Pie whipped out a magnifying glass and placed it over the words. “They admit right here that none of their stuff works and it's all used for ‘entertainment value only’.”
“Wow you weren't kidding.” Rumble leaned closer, reading the disclaimer. “-is not reliable for any injury up to and including death resulting from the use of our products. Return for full refund. Only applicable in Griffonia when saturn is in retrograde.” The boy blinked. “That's stupid.”
Pinkie Pie sighed. “Your telling me, the author couldn't even think of a ponyish sounding planet name.”
Button Mash dropped his comic in the trash and made his way back over to his Pinkie and Rumble, a smile on his face. “Thanks Pinkie Pie. To think, I almost wasted thirty dollars on this junk.”
“No problem guys!” Pinkie Pie announced happily, watching the two boys walk back into the arcade, intent on spending the last of their allowances on something only slightly less worthless.
Spinning on her heel, Pinkie Pie turned to look you directly in the eye, placing her hands on her hips. “And we've reached the end of the fanfiction. Which means you have three options. Hit follow and never miss anymore of Jest’s bullshit. Give it a thumbs up if you like the fanfiction, or head over to his patreon if you want a chance to get a request story like this for yourself! Oh and when you get over there thank Mike for his suggestion, which this story is based on!”
Author's Note
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This update was made possible by the wonderful support of:
Kali, Craig, Ozzy, Robert, Quill, JPMK, Tommy, Ivar, Mikhaila, Pacsik, Matt, Brendan, Peter, Nicky, Princess Pudding, Nofreedom, T Sparkle, Apollyon, Luckyfanisaac, Azin, Zairvin, Random_Reader, Iamunkown, Facinus, M, Nfreak, Doomgooey, Michael, Ceepert, Diokyo, Starless
