No More Ponies

by RedScorpion

Rating: mature
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Death, Alternate Universe
Length: 5212

Spike Touchdown will do anything to be the number one assassin

Spike Touchdown is an otaku. His interests include anime, pro wrestling, and killing ponies. After meeting with a mare named Rarity Christel, he accepts a job in the United Assassins Association, a governing body of assassins. Realizing that he has the opportunity to make it to the top, he sets out to secure himself the coveted position of number one assassin in the UAA.

Published 2019-03-10 04:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-05-17 01:04:19 UTC

Prologue

(Background Music)
POV
“I know a lot of gamers out the don’t have much patience. east that's what Mina, the dragon at the video store said. So I'm at the register, then I realize I got no money. I was seriously broke. Why? Cuz I met this smokin' hot mare last night at the Death-Match bar. Man, she smelled good! So being the gentleman I am, I bought her a drink. Anyhoo, I decide to get a job. The gig: assassinate the Drifter. “

It was dark in the midst of night, save for the soft, blue glows of various street lamps. No stars were visible, just boring, dull, gray clouds, signaling it’s about to rain. The top of the building looked like a large parking lot, with steel gates, lining all four edges. It must of rained the night prior, as there were a few puddles, left roof of the tall building. One of which was stepped on, by a running stallion.

The stallion in question was light gold, with light green eyes. He wore a brown cowboy hat over his long, bright orange hair. He also wore a black trenchcoat, with silver crosses going down his sleeves and a white shirt underneath. He also wore thick, black, leather boots and leather pants with silver lines going down them. A several belts on his hind legs and one going around his waist, with a silver belt buckle in the center. His jacket was unzipped, revealing a necklace around his neck and thick, black, leather gloves. He also have a chain hanging on the left side of his pants and two large, gun pouches behind him. He was also caring two large, revolvers in each hoof, and an unlit cigar in his mouth.

Braeburn Skaeburn ran across the top of the roof, with one revolver in each hoof. Making his way towards a lone figure on the opposite side of the roof.

The figure was completely covered by a long, hooded cloak, covering his entire body, that also seemed to glow orange in the night sky. But upon closer look at the shape, one could tell he was short for pony, and he had no hind legs or maybe he did but he was standing on them, with his fore hooves in the air. The

Braeburn jumped and kicked the figure in the chest, with his powerful hind legs, sending him crashing into the railing behind him. Just as the cloaked figure crashed into the railing breaking it, it started to rain. All of a sudden Braeburn started unloading his revolvers onto the fallen figure. The cloaked figure spasmed everytime a bullet hit him, until eventually falling over when the bullets stopped.

Braeburn Skaeburn then pulled out a lighter and lit his cigar, before spinning his empty revolvers a bit and putting them back into his pouches. As he turned around, revealing the large, silver eagle symbol on the back of his coat, he could sense movement. The cloaked figure started to stand, as a red mist started to surround the figure’s body. Braeburn simply smiled and but his forelegs above his head.

“Hear the lullaby? Rest in peace, baby!” He said, as he brought his fore hooves down, revealing two large, silver, cylinder-like objects, that made gun cocking sounds, when moved forward. Both of these two cylinder-like objects shot out smaller, black versions of the same object, that opened up into four rockets each.

All eight rockets hit the cloaked figure, one by one exploding into blue fire. The impact from each blast knocked the cloaked figure around, until eventually they ended and he fell over.

Braeburn just stood there smiling, thinking his job was finished. His expression quickly turned from happy to shocked, to see the cloaked figure get back up. The initial shock of all this was enough to let the cigar fall out of his mouth.

The rockets did however burn off the figure’s cloak, revealing him to be a purple and green dragon, with green eyes. He a red jacket over a white, jeans, red tennis shoes, a brown belt with several pouches and a brown, leather glove on his right hand. His head was down so Braeburn could see the dragon’s face.

He also seemed to be holding some kind of device. The device looked like a rubber-padded handle was attached to a spark plug pointing out, with a red switch on side and an a electric surge poking out the side. Just then a rod came out from the tip of the device, over the spark plug and ended a couple of meters away to produce another spark plug pointing down at the first one. Just then the switch was flip and where between the two spark plugs were, there was now a long, blue-ish white beam of energy being produced. This device is known by most assassins as a “Beam Katana”

So I went where I was supposed to and waited for the guy to show up. And there he was. This cat. Well dressed, cool. Couldn't tell if he was "the shit"...or just plain ol' shit.

Just then, Braeburn Skaeburn changed his rocket launchers to gatling guns and started firing more bullets at the dragon. The dragon with unknown reflexes, managed to block all the bullets firing at him with his beam katana, whilst his head was still down. When Braeburn ran out of bullets, gatling gun gauntlets each produced a long blade. Just then, the dragon lifted his head, revealing he was wearing orange-tinted sunglasses.

Braeburn then started running towards the dragon, as the dragon did the same to him. Both raising their weapons in the air. Braeburn leaped into the air, raising his blades into the air. Just as he was about to strike down his target, the dragon slid out from underneath him, a couple of meters away, holding out his beam katana.

"Your shining armor and fine words won't get you anywhere!" Spike Touchdown shouted.

Just then Braeburn Skaeburn’s head fell off his body, spraying blood everywhere.

Yeah, so he's stylin', fast, aggressive and packin' heat. Bada Bing! Or at least it was supposed to be... Til she showed up. Her name: Rarity Christel. An agent with this whatchamacallit Association.

Just then a white unicorn mare, with indigo hair and blue eyes, walked in. She wore a black skirt and white blouse with a black overcoat, black shoes and black scarf around her neck. She also had large white cuffs on her overcoat. She walked over to Braeburn Skaeburn’s decapitated body and gave it a light kick, checking if he was dead.

“Barbaric i'd say, but acceptable” Rarity Christel said, before turning to face Spike. “Congratulations. You are certified as the 11th-best hit man.”

“Huh? You want me to thank YOU?” Spike asked, confused.

“You are certified rank 11 by the UAA! You have a challenging right.” Rarity explained, smiling. “How about getting rid of the ten killers above you and aim for the top?”

I wanna be number one. How's that? Short and simple enough for you? It's gonna be a long, hard road. But who knows? Could kick ass... Could be dangerous. Could totally suck… Let the bloodshed begin!

Author's Note

*Rankings List*

--------------

--------------

--------------

--------------

--------------

--------------

--------------

--------------

--------------

--------------

~~Braeburn Skaeburn~~ Spike Touchdown

The Apple Sword

It was morning of the next day, as Spike leaves the room of his home: The No More Heroes Motel, the only motel in Santa Destroy. There was nothing about this place that stood out, it had a subway, a beach and a baseball stadium, nothing really special.

Spike Touchdown, is a Japanese anime otaku and a huge fan of pro-wrestling and fighting. Spike was born and lived in Santa Destroy, although he doesn’t remember much, his parents had been dead for 20 years. On his belt was his weapon, the Blood Berry, a beam katana he won on an auction that cost him, all his money. Spike had been told, that there was an entry fee for these assassination missions, but Rarity had been generous enough to pay for the first one he was assigned to. Spike walked down the steps, at the bottom in the parking lot, was the Schpeltiger.

The Schpeltiger, was Spike’s super large motorcycle, with a striking platinum white body and red pinstripes and markings. It has 75 centimeter tires, each one having the word “grass hopper” written on them, and two turbo engines on either side. The back tire also had hydraulics, which allowed Spike, to launch in bike in the air. And the right side power filters and muffler covers created an X shape when looked at from the front or back.

Spike then hopped on his sweet ride and drove off to the 1st ranked match of this 10 match mission.

Rank 10 - Death Macintosh

“So naive…”

Spike drove through town, eventually reaching a place out of the city, a road with many palm trees on either side. As he sped down the road, he was in close proximity of a large mansion with a gate in front of it. He was getting close, but he didn’t slow down.

At said mansion, in the yard behind the gate, the was a garden, with a fountain and several apple statues. Two ponies in suits, came rushing out of the mansion. They could hear Spike coming on his motorcycle, and were expecting him to come in. What they DIDN’T expect was Spike crashing through the gate doors, on his Schpeltiger.

Reacting quickly, the two ponies pulled out handguns and attempted to shoot Spike. Spike quickly turned his bike sideways, while it was still speeding, causing it to slide across the ground and crash into the fountain, destroying it. Spike managed to jump off his bike, before it crashed, as he flew through the air, he pulled out and activated his Blood Berry.

“FUCKHEAD!” Spike yelled, as he landed behind the two ponies. All of a sudden the two ponies behind him, were decapitated, blood spewing from their neck cavities.

One more suit-wearing pony had came out, just in time to witness the horrific event that just unfolded. Even though he had a gun he was too scared to use it, as Spike quietly walked up to the whimpering stallion.

“Yo. Help me out here. Where's this Death Mac dude?” Spike asked, pointing his beam katana, threateningly at the scared stallion. The stallion in question, just quietly screamed for help.

“Bad answer.” Spike said, before slicing the stallion and the double door behind him, in half. Spike then kicked down the part of the door that didn’t fall over and walked in. Spike looked around the mansion, before turning his head and saying. “It’s game time!”

The entrance of the mansion was huge, the floor and walls were red, with white pillars and potted plants. There was a large white symbol on the floor, in front of two staircases, leading up to a second floor with a doorway in the center. There was also hallway on the bottom floor, in between the two staircases, that Spike couldn’t enter because it was blocked off, by some red ropes. And right in front of said hallway, was another suited pony.

He immediately rushed towards Spike, wielding a golf club, instead of gun. Spike was ready for him and slashed at him several times with his beam katana in quick combo, before hitting him again with a much more powerful hit, decapitating him. Spike somehow always knew when to his enemy was weak enough to do that, he could explain how though, it almost like some brightly colored arrow appeared to tell him when to do that.

Immediately after dealing with that goon, 2 more suited-ponies came running down each staircase, they opted only attacking with their hooves, although they did appear to have some sort of gauntlet-like beam weapon, on their forehooves.

Spike, quickly ran up and killed one of them with his beam katana, but the other he decided to go for something else. He quickly did a roundhouse kick, striking the stallion in the face. The stallion spinned around, gripping his head, with his back turned to Spike. This allowed Spike to grab the stallion by the back and flip him over like in wrestling. The stallion landed square on his back, as Spike pulled out his beam katana and quickly stabbed the stallion killing him.

The white, double doors at the top of the stairs swung open, from the bottom, one can see there being a hallway, with another doorway on the other side going into another room, of the wall. Spike ran up the stairs and into the room on the opposite side of the double doorway.

The room itself seemed to be a sauna room, with a hot tub, several beds and several small white pillars, there was also more enemies in this room. There were only a few, so It didn’t take long for Spike to deal with all of the enemies. After killing the last one, the door flew open, only for the double doors behind it to close, leaving the hallway the only other entrance left.

Spike ran down both hallways, one had lead to dead end, but it had a chest with money in it. They other lead to a set of stairs, which Spike proceeded to run up. This lead to another hallway with two more hallways on the side. One was blocked off, so Spike entered the other one, which lead to an office of some sorts with desks, chairs, and several large windows on the other side. There was also a second door on the opposite wall the door, Spike came through was on. All of a sudden 12 more enemies, this time wielding katanas teleported into the room. But Spike had a plan, quickly running and slashing and killing one of the many stallions, something happened.

Spike’s hair started glowing bright yellow and his beam katana became so charged up it started shooting sparks.

“Strawberry on the Shortcake!!” Spike yelled, as he started dashing around and killing enemies in only about one hit. This was only one of several of Spike’s transformations, he likes to call them his “Dark Sides”. The only problem is that he can’t really choose which one he wants, It’s almost like using a slot machine.

When the dark mode ended, all the enemies were killed and the two doors opened. Spike took this opportunity to start shaking his beam katana. Despite how great his Blood Berry is, one massive problem is that it can run out of power and the only way to charge it back up is to shake it. Spike doesn’t know how this works, but he does know it’s a pain to do it. He was thinking about visiting Dr. Wildfire, one of the best scientists Spike had ever know, she had recently did research in beam katanas and Spike had heard she might have developed a new model.

After it was fully charged, Spike ran out the other door, with nowhere else to go, Spike ran back down the stairs. When he got to he bottom floor enemies started appearing out of nowhere, Spike was taken slightly off guard, but held his cool, as he slashed and kicked at his foes the last one being flung over onto his back and Spike jabbing his beam katana right into his throat.

Spike eventually ran, back into the sauna room, this time seeing the double doors open back up. Spike ran through the double door and back down the stairs to bottom floor of the entrance. This time the red ropes on the bottom hallway were gone and Spike was allowed to go into the hallway. In the hallway were 4 more bad guys, 2 of which had swords. But it didn’t faze Spike in the least, as he easily slashed through the baddies, in order to get to gray double doors on the other end of the hallway. When he got the gray doors, another baddie showed up, however this time he had a beam katana, just like Spike. They both ran up to each other, and clashed their swords togethers, they both seemed evenly matched, but Spike was able to overpower the other and after knocking him back, he quickly spun around and sliced his head off. After he was dealt with he ran through, the gray doors

The next room, was huge with several white pillars. The floor was made up of black and white checkers and a long red carpet coming from the doorway, all the way to the other side of the room. There were also several paintings on the walls and doorway leading to outside, that was blocked by a closed gate.

There were also more baddies who quickly rushed Spike. After Spike was done with them more showed up, only these had swords. And after those were taken cared of, the gates opened only for another beam katana-wielding bad guy to appear. Like before Spike took him out with ease, after recharging his katana, Spike ran outside.

Outside, was a marble pathway with a roof over it held up by pillars. The pathway was straight, as it had a few curves in it. Inside the pathway, was more bad guys, ones who were armed with handguns, just like the ones Spike saw before. As soon as Spike approached, they started shooting at him, but it didn’t faze Spike in the slightest. As Spike managed to block the bullet with his beam katana and when they had to reload Spike quickly took them on head on. Range might have been on their side, but they had now way of defending themselves when Spike got close. After the last one had fallen, Spike made his way to the door at the end of the pathway, which led inside another part of the mansion.

The inside, was another hallway, it was made up of several gold and white arcs, all connect by small walls, that were mostly made up of windows. There we no bad guys in sight, but Spike kept his katana out, as he walked over. That is until his phone started ringing, forcing him to put his katana away so he could answer it.

On the line was none other than Rarity.

“Hey Spike? Your ranked fight begins just up ahead. Win, and you will be 10th. Lose, and hell awaits. Are you up to this? Need a bathroom break? Whatever you need to do, do it now. Your opponent, some call him the ‘Apple Sword’. He is good. But I know you can take him. You are the man! Eye of the tiger! He only looks tough because his mother was an ugly bitch. Take it to the red zone! Assassin's way at full throttle! Unleash your power! Show no mercy! Bring me Death Macintosh's head! Enter when you are prepared to fight. I believe in you and your Force. Now off to the GARDEN OF MADNESS!…”

After the phone call, Spike made his way down the hallway, before coming to another hallway that looks exactly like the last except it had a long red carpet and pillars, there was also a bathroom on one side and the other a door leading outside. After taking a quick stop by the restroom, Spike went through the other door outside.

When Spike walked through he was greeted by a beautiful sight, connected to the mansion was a large gazebo, that looked kinda like a colosseum, with step that lead down onto a patio, that was in front of pool, which was interestingly enough in front of a beach. On the said patio, were several tables, chairs, umbrellas and a single recliner. And in the recliner was a red earth pony stallion, with orange hair and green eyes. He wore only a pair of brown pants and a red robe which was open to reveal he had two identical tattoos on his chest of flaming skulls about to crash into each other. His face had several piercings, on his forehead and around his eyes. He also a had a glass of wine in one hoof. This was the stallion only known as “Death Macintosh”

“Quite beautiful, wouldn't you say? Paid for with the lives of many.” Death Macintosh said, somehow detecting Spike walking down the steps. “When you have the strength to take life for yourself... That is true wealth. I am free of desire. So long as I have this scenery to look upon. I need nothing more. Please, leave me be”

Spike turned and pointed his opened, but not activated beam katana at Death Mac and said. “You're the one leaving... In a body bag.”

“I'll only say this once more. Leave here now!” Death Mac said, still not facing Spike.

“Me, leave?” Spike asked “You obviously don't know me.”

“You don't get it, do you?” Death Mac replied.

“Hey, you know what Paradise is, right?” Spike asked.

“Paradise?” Death Mac asked, slightly turning his head towards Spike.

“This is Paradise -- the place where dreams are fulfilled.” Spike said, while pointing at the view, before turning back to Death Mac and saying. “Well, you've had your dream, old stallion. Time to wake up!”

“This is no Paradise.’” Death Mac said, turning his gaze back to the view.

“All right. Then what is it?” Spike asked.

“A place to die.” Death Mac said, finally getting up from his recliner and letting his robe fall off to reveal more of his tattoo. His tattoo covered his shoulders and his entire back, with his shoulder ones consisting of flames and his back having a red demon, wearing a white rope around his waist, while holding a white flag, with black japanese characters on it.

“I'm glad you and I are on the same page here.” Spike said

“So naive…” Death Mac said, while slowly bring his hoof to face, before removing it and saying “You have no idea, do you? What a pity. You make an old stallion cry. Arrogant, crude little shits like you come around from time to time.”

Death Mac continued, while walking up the steps to the gazebo, while carrying what looked like a large, black cleaver connected to a handle like a boom box. “Listen well, young one. The wall is high... Higher than you will ever know.” Just then, the black cleaver shifted to sticking out of the top of the handle and extended so it was twice as long before the very edge of the blade lit up orange, just like Spike’s beam katana, all the while making mechanical whirring. This was his weapon known as the “Orange II” made by Orange computers. “Ultimate sacrifice is sublime. Now draw.” Big Mac finished holding up his weapon with his forelegs.

“You can take that to your grave.” Spike said, activating his beam katana ready to fight.

(Background Music)

Death Macinstosh swung at Spike touchdown, the speed of his swings were unlike anything Spike has ever seen, it’s amazing how Death Mac was able to lift something so large, let alone swing it around at in-pony speeds. Spike managed to dodge the attacks and countered with his own which Death Macintosh blocked at first, but then Spike was able to get a few hits in as he changed where to aim. When Big Mac was taken off guard, Spike ran over and attempted to swipe only for Big Mac to jump and cover some distance and then jump forward raising his weapon high in the air for an attack. Spike managed to block it, with his own sword.

The two started pressing on each other, just like Spike was doing with that bad guy earlier. This time however Big Mac won the duel and gave a Spike a very heavy strike with his sword, knocking Spike flat on his back

POV
“This count... I feel as if I'm looking at my future self. Mega bucks, big ass house, fast cars... Dining in style with a world class chef and a trusty nutritionist counting every calorie. A team of hot yoga instructors to keep me in shape. Nurses to attend to my body... Maids and loyal servants at my beck and call. On the weekends, tanned babes knocking on my door every two hours. Every day full of excitement and luxury. That'd be the life.”

As Spike started to collect himself, Death Mac ran up to him and threw his sword forward, but Spike managed to quickly roll under the blade and slashed at him several times, this is when Spike realized that heaving the large Orange II, left Death Mac wide open whenever he missed so Spike decided to take advantage of that.

After dodging a heavily forced power attack by Death Mac, Spike spun around and gave him a kick in the side of the head, as soon as Death Mac started seeing stars, Spike went in for the kill. He grabbed him by the upper body and through sheer force, threw him over his shoulder and onto his back.

Death Macintosh quickly got up and stared at Spike, before thrusting his sword forward with one hoof and then to Spike’s surprise 2 clones of Death Mac appeared out of nowhere

“Everything in its right place. It's the perfect life. It's the life for winners. That'll be my life! I thirst for selflessness. Hypocrites lusting for their own desires get killed by young rookies like me. This is how it goes down. And for the old killers? They'll croak anyway. I guess you can call this a comedy. I realize there's really nothing here for me. But what else can I do but keep going? Maybe I should have been a little more careful before I jumped in. Gotta find the exit. Gotta find that exit to Paradise. But, I can't see it. Can't see anything. There's this sense of doom running down my spine, like it's... Like it's trying to suck the life out of me. I need to get rid of it before I bail.”

All 3 Death Macs attacked Spike simultaneously, having to dodge all 3 of their blades was taking quite the toll on Spike, but he managed to pull though. He ran past 2 and slashed at one of the clones. To Spike’s surprise the clone disappeared, after only after a couple slashes.

The remaining clone and the real Death Mac, quickly advanced on Spike. Spike kept a level head, as he dodge the swipes from the two assassins. Eventually Spike, was able to deal with the other clone, leaving only the real Death Macintosh.

Something deeper... Deeper than my instincts is taunting me. Can't find the exit. Can't find the exit. Can't find the exit. Can't find the exit. Can't find the exit.

The real Death Macintosh, ran towards Spike lifting his weapon up high into the air. He jumped into the air and slammed his weapon down towards Spike.

Spike did a barrel roll out of the way, right beside Death Macintosh, and attacked. Suddenly it felt as if everything around the two turned black, as Spike started slashing at Death Mac, at an alarmingly fast rate. Before delivering a slash so hard it knocked Death Mac off his hooves.

Death Mac quickly got and ran towards Spike again.

(Music Stop)

Death Mac quickly slashed his blade again at Spike. Spike managed to duck under the opposing blade, before slicing upwards with his beam katana and slicing off Death Mac’s fore hooves entirely, his Orange II flying upwards and jabbed right into the ceiling of the gazebo, with his fore hooves still holding onto it.

“Extraordinary.” Death Mac said, not even caring that he was bleeding pretty badly from the two flesh wounds where his fore hooves used to be. “The moment I’ve been waiting for, the name ‘Apple Sword’ is now yours.”

“You’re joking right. Right” Spike asked, his beam katana still activated. “I don’t care about titles or power. I just wanna be number one.”

“Then master the ways of the assassin.” Death Macintosh replied.

“Here's your ticket to Paradise, old man!” Spike said, before raising his beam katana and sliced Death Macintosh’s head clean off, his neck cavity spraying a geyser of blood, as it fell over.

“Nice kill, Spike.”

Spike turned around, to see none other, than Rarity Christel herself walking in.

She was also being followed by two mares, one a pale yellow earth pony and the other a light aquamarine unicorn.

The earth pony had blue eyes and red and dark blue hair. She wore a dark blue suit, with matching pants, a black tie and black boots.

The unicorn had golden eyes and aquamarine and white hair. She wore a white long-sleeve shirt with a black bowtie, blue suspenders and black boots.

They both had these large backpacks, each containing two large, silver tanks, with a black hose connecting to nozzle, that looks like a fire hose.

“I didn't think you had it in you. It was rather... Exciting.” Rarity said, as she walked past Spike, towards Death Mac’s body. “Congratulations. You are now ranked 10th.”

“10th, huh? What? Do I get anything?” Spike asked.

"Hmm... How about some cash? That should help you pay the bills.” Rarity replied, as she examined Death Mac’s body, pulling out a camera and taking pictures of the headless corpse.

“I'm not feeling the sense of accomplishment that I should here.” Spike said, as Lyra and Bon Bon, shot this white steam-like substance, out of their vacuums onto Death Mac’s body, all the while Rarity continued to take pictures. “So I just gotta do this a few more times, right?”

“If you so choose, yes.” Rarity replied.

“And you will keep your promise?” Spike asked.

“There is nothing the Association cannot do.” Rarity replied, again.

“And if I refuse?” Spike asked, again.

“As the 10th ranked assassin, you are now a target for those who want to replace you. Anytime, anywhere.” Rarity explained, as the smoke cleared up, to reveal Death Mac’s body to be completely melted, as Lyra and Bon Bon start sweeping up his remains, Rarity continuing to take pictures. “Number 11 could be right around the corner, ready to put a knife in your eye.”

“So what you're tellin' me is that I gotta continue fighting.” Spike replied to Rarity’s claim. “There's no way out of this. You set me up, bitch!”

“Quit your bitching and get with the program.” Rarity said, turning around and facing Spike, while pointing her camera at him. “There's only one road out of here. No turning back.”

“OK, how 'bout this? If I become number one, will you do it with me?” Spike asked, rather eager.

Rarity thought for a moment, before replying. “Mmm... Maybe... Maybe not…”

“C'mon! Just once!”

Author's Note

*Rankings List*

--------------

--------------

--------------

--------------

--------------

--------------

--------------

--------------

--------------

~~Death Macintosh~~ Spike Touchdown

~~Braeburn Skaeburn~~