Lament of a Muffin

by Arakos

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Dinky Hooves, Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad
Length: 1864

Ditzy deals with a life that she can't control, and ponies that only see a muffin crazed klutz.

What happens when you see only what you want to see, hear only what you want to hear, and project those views onto somepony against their will? What happens when that fiction becomes reality, and their reality becomes everypony else's fiction?

Ditzy Doo has to deal with it on a daily basis. Try as she might, ponies still see her as the klutzy, muffin obsessed mailmare that she's always been, or at least, that they think she's always been.

Published 2012-08-06 21:24:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-06 21:24:01 UTC

Lament of a Muffin

Lament of a Muffin
by Arakos

Ditzy Doo, Ponyville’s primary mail carrier, was on a mission of the utmost importance on this fine morning. This task she had sworn to accomplish, no matter the cost, physically or mentally. This particular task she had attempted many times before, to no avail, and even though the chips were all stacked against her, nopony could say that this mailmare was a quitter.

“Today’s the day, Ditzy,” the pegasus assured herself. She slowed her pace as she approached the looming building before her. Her eyes closed for a moment of brief meditation as she steeled herself for what was to come. “Today, you’re finally going to do it.”

Ditzy Doo took a deep breath, nervously opened the door, and stepped inside.

*DING DING DING*

“A customer! Yay!”

A pink flash barreled out of Sugarcube Corner’s kitchen in the blink of an eye. Ditzy thought she was seeing double as the hyperactive mare that had just materialized seemed to have left a faint after image behind, a result of her amazing burst of speed.

“Hey, Ditzy! I knew it had to be you, you always show up at 7:30, and when I heard the bell ring I looked at the clock and it said it was 7:30 and I remembered that’s when you always show up and so I thought ‘It must be Ditzy!’ and I came out here and it was you! So, what’ll it be?”

“Hey, Pinkie. Today, I think I’m gonna go with a cruller and a small coffee. Black, if you don’t mind, thanks.”

“Oh, Ditzy, as if I even had to ask.” Pinkie giggled to herself. “I’ll be right back with your usual.” And with a wink, she disappeared into the backroom.

“NO! That’s not... what I... said...” Ditzy knew there was no use in arguing. Pinkie was already on her way back out with her “order”.

“Here you go! One banana nut muffin fresh from the oven! That’ll be two bits, please.”

“Thanks, Pinkie...” Ditzy shoved the bits across the counter and managed to force a smile as she turned toward the door. As soon as her back was turned though, her faux smile flipped into an all too real frown.

Another day, another miserable failure.

Ditzy had been trying to order something, anything, other than a muffin from Sugarcube Corner for what seemed like years, but day after day, she always walked out with the same exact thing. One banana nut muffin, fresh from the oven.

“I don’t even like muffins,” she grumbled as she tossed her wasted breakfast to the nearest trash can. “Why did it have to be buckin’ muffins?”

This wasn’t the first time something like this had happened, and it wasn’t just Pinkie either. No matter who she talked to, no matter what she said, it seemed like all they ever heard was one thing.

“Muffin.”

Was it a curse? Ditzy wasn’t sure. She couldn’t hear what they heard, or see what they saw. For a while, she thought the whole town was playing an elaborate prank on her, but it had gone on far too long for that.

“Heya Ditzy! How are you today?” Ditzy was snapped out of her thoughts at the call of a yellow earth pony with an orange mane from the nearby carrot stall.

“Oh, I’m just fine and dandy today, Carrot Top. Just got done wasting my bits on another Celestia forsaken muffin, and now I get to look at your dumb flank for the next few minutes. Today’s just starting off buckin’ super.”

“Sorry, Ditzy, I don’t sell those here, but I’m sure Pinkie’s got a fresh batch of muffins at Sugarcube Corner with your name on it!” Carrot Top flashed a grin at her best friend. “I’ve got to get back to the stand. You be careful on today’s mail route. We wouldn’t want an incident like last week.”

“Oh, that won’t happen again.” Ditzy narrowed her eyes. “Next time, I won’t miss. Later.”

Ditzy scowled as she left. Something about that mare really rubbed her the wrong way. If there was anything beneficial to this curse nonsense, it was that she could say what was really on her mind without causing a scene, something she did more and more frequently these days.

Mail delivery was one of the few things that Ditzy really enjoyed in her life. She prided herself on her speed and efficiency. Her 100% accurate delivery record stood as a testament to her dedication to Equestria’s postal service. If only anypony else could see it.

“Ditzy, can I see you in my office? Again?” the disgruntled voice of her employer calmly requested, so as not to disturb the other workers.

“Sure thing, you worthless son of a mule. What is it this time? I’ve had a bad day, so if it’s about some baseless complaint from somepony who didn’t get their mail again, you can shove it straight up your-”

“Can it, Ditz, I’ve already heard your little muffin spiel before. I just got a complaint in from one uh... ‘Berry Punch’ it says. Lemme read over this again real quick.”

Ditzy watched her boss read through the letter again with a surprisingly straight face, considering the circumstances. Things like this happened all the time. Ditzy would return from another flawless day of delivering the mail, and without fail, a complaint would be waiting for her, usually for something she didn’t even do.

“Yeah, see, she claims that you ‘crashed headfirst through the first floor window, destroyed an antique dining table, and shattered several bottles of very expensive fine wines.’ Ditzy, what do you have to say for yourself this time, as if I even had to guess.”

“Okay yeah, I was definitely there for that. I also happened to see the friggin’ Cutie Mark Demolition Crew fly by, tossing who knows what around, for whatever stupid reason they had this time, and a large rock happened to crash straight through Berry’s window. I definitely saw that happen. From her front door. Where I was delivering her mail.”

“Look, I don’t care what your favorite flavor is. This right here, this needs to stop, or I’m gonna have to find another mailmare. These damages are coming out of your paycheck, by the way. Now get out of here. See you tomorrow, bright and early.”

“Whatever. Thanks for nothing, you ugly sack of horseapples.” Ditzy walked out of the room and headed for the building’s exit.

You know what? I’m not even surprised anymore. I just want to go home, and sleep.

Ditzy picked up her saddlebags from the backroom. She headed for the exit the same way she always did: irritable, grumpy, angry, disgruntled, and just plain tired of it all. And hungry, definitely hungry. Today had been absolutely awful. Just as awful as it always had been in fact. Ditzy didn’t even remember how long this “curse” had been with her, but every single day had been the same old routine. Muffins for breakfast, one-sided conversations that she wanted no part in, false accusations on her mail route, and at least one pony usually commented on her eyes.

“Which are perfectly buckin’ normal!” she shouted at nopony in particular. She hadn’t realised she had been thinking out loud. She received a few looks for her outburst, but most just smiled awkwardly and waved.

“Somepony’s excited to get their hooves on some muffins, huh?”

Ditzy locked both eyes on the stallion trying to engage in casual small talk. She gave him the most disdainful glare she could muster, but all he saw was a dopey grin and her trademark lazy eye.

“Why don’t you go headbutt a moving train?”

“Good day to you too, Ditzy. See you tomorrow.” the stallion smiled and headed home for the day.

“Can’t. Wait.”

Ditzy finally arrived at the front door to her house. The sun was just starting to set, and after another long day, she wanted nothing more than to sleep until morning and start it all over again. She opened the door and stepped inside.

Home at last.

“Mommy, you’re home!”

A small unicorn filly dashed towards Ditzy and leaped through the air, wrapping both front hooves around Ditzy's neck.

“Hi, Dinky, sorry I’m late. Did you have a good day at school today?”

“Oh, Mommy, you always say that.” Dinky giggled. “I already ate. I bet you’re hungry though.”

Ditzy suppressed a grimace. She could deal with her issues around other ponies, but not being able to communicate with her own daughter pained her more than any of her other problems put together. This was the one thing she could never get used to.

“That’s... nice. What did you have?”

“Oh, I drew you a picture at school today! You wanna see?” Dinky ran into her bedroom and dug around in her saddlebags before returning with a sheet of paper. It was a crayon drawing of a small grey unicorn filly flying a kite while her mother, a grey pegasus with yellow hair, watched her from the side of the page... with only one eye, the other pointed at a cloud overhead.

“This is really something, Dinky.” Ditzy tried to remain cheerful for her daughter. “You could be a famous artist some day if you keep this up.”

“Oh, I forgot, you must be really hungry. I made you something special for dinner, all by myself!” Dinky squealed with glee at her accomplishment.

Ditzy didn’t share her enthusiasm.

“And what... what might that be?” Ditzy asked, somewhat apprehensively.

An awful racket came from the kitchen that Dinky had just disappeared into. Ditzy peered around the corner of the doorframe to see what the commotion was about. She saw Dinky standing at the top of a set of makeshift stairs constructed from open drawers, some of the contents of those same drawers lying on the floor. Dinky grabbed a metal tray and leaped off the countertop and returned to her mother to show off the fruits of her labors.

“Well? Don’t they look good? Huh?” Dinky flashed the biggest smile she could manage, but Ditzy’s fears had been confirmed.

Banana nut muffins, fresh from the oven.

Ditzy eyed the muffins with a mixture of sadness for her own misfortune, and pride in her daughter’s cooking prowess and generosity. She gently lifted one of the offending baked goods and took a tentative bite. She immediately regretted her decision, the slimy texture of the baked banana chunks contrasting with the crunch of walnuts that she hated oh so much, all held together within the irritatingly moist but somehow still inconveniently crumbly muffin itself. She choked down one bite after another, savouring the awful flavor for her daughter’s sake alone. Finally, the muffin was gone, and her suffering was at an end.

“Did you like it? Didya didya didya?”

Ditzy turned towards her daughter, a single tear in her eye, her lips barely able to form a smile.

Dinky stared expectantly back at her mother’s wide grin and those shining eyes that always made her laugh.

“It was exactly what I wanted, muffin.”