The Light Inside Me Is Dying
For your observation: The Party Popper.
A small trinket, meant to be thrown away after use. One twist, and pop! Confetti rains from the sky around you in a joyous occasion of life. One action, one reaction, and then it's time to clean up. Th streamers, confetti and glitter cover the ground in a hungover disarray of celebration. That's the real fun, cleaning up from the mess you made. Yesterday's lapse of foresight turns into today's frustration.
Twilight Sparkle blinked and placed a hoof to her head as she sat in the the heavily decorated map room of her castle. Half eaten slices of cake litter the tables and chairs across the room and streamers hung limply from their placement on the walls. A stallion and mare try to make their way through the foyer without catching her attention. They failed, but Twilight decided to let them believe that they 'slept in her castle' without anypony noticing. It's just easier that way.
"I don't know why I do this to myself," she muttered, rising to her hooves. Her horn glowed with bright purple energy as she picked up a few plates with her luminescent power. She dropped them instantly, a sharp stab of pain jolting from the tip of her horn to her brain. "This is the last time I invite Dash to make the drinks."
Twilight grabbed a trash bag, and ripped it through the air, sighing to herself. Today would be an old fashioned kind of day. Such is life for a hungover unicorn. Alicorn now. What would Princess Celestia say?
She shook her head as she tossed the trash into her bag. Now wasn't the time to think about such things. Thinking about those sort of things only bring out worst thoughts. Instead, it's better to think about the positive things. Like, for instance, the celebration last night. The first graduating class from her school of friendship was now capped, gowned, and deploma'ed. Her school was now, officially, a success. She and her friends were making the sort of meaningful change this world needs.
Just then, a loud, piercing, off tune whistling echoed through the castle. It was her dragon companion, Spike, walking through the foyer.
"Gooood Morning Twilight!" he called out as he passed the map room. He paused, turning on the spot once he locked eyes with Twilight. "Yikes. Too much to drink again?"
"You could say that," she responded, angrily thrusting an untouched piece of cake into the bag. Who does that? Takes cake, then doesn't even touch it. Rude.
"How are you feeling?" he asked, walking into the room. "Need me to get you anything?"
"Maybe some water? And those streamers need to come down. My horn's not cooperating thanks to my head."
"Sure thing," Spike said, taking a step back. But then he paused, looking at Twilight more carefully. "Hey, uh, Twilight?"
"Yeah, Spike?"
The dragon made a noise from his mouth that resembled the start of something, but stopped halfway. He looked away for a moment, reassessed his stance and fiddled with his claws.
"How many hangovers does that make this month?" he asked.
Twilight paused, turning back to Spike. She was silent for a moment. Her ears folded and she looked into the mostly full garbage bag.
"Nine," she said weakly. "I think."
"I think you need to get this under control," he said. "Before it gets worse."
"I don't have a problem," she snapped.
"I'm not saying you do."
"I need to take this outside," she said to the ground. She fiddled with the ends of the bag, tying it together. She tossed the bag of trash onto her back, set between her wings and held in place. "Please get the streamers down."
She pushes past her friend and towards the large double doors of her castle. She threw one door open and is instantly blasted with a blinding blast of white light. The sun reflected brightly over the white, snowy covered town of Ponyville. She grumbled to herself as she stepped outside, feeling the frigid cold weather take hold of her little frame.
"Of course we had to have second winter this year. Of course. Thanks Pegasai. Great job," she mumbled under her breath. "I love living in a place where the air hurts my face."
Twilight stepped off the threshold of her castle and onto her unshoveled, icy steps. The snow crunched under her hooves, and gentle mists of snow blew off the peaks of the castle through the air.
"Should have grabbed a coat. I can already tell this-"
However, she didn't get to complete her thought. One back hoof was in the air. She placed her body weight onto a front hoof, and the ice under the snow provided her no traction. She felt herself slump forward and then the world moved without her consent.
The steps dug into her side. She gasped in pain. She felt her body bounce as the trash flew forward. She slid down the steps as the crystal edges of the steps scraped against her body, sliding down the snowy steps. The trash bag rips open, littering the ground with cake, cranberry-vodka, strawberry drinks, and other trace red liquids following where Twilight landed. she felt her muzzle crack against one last step, and then she landed at the bottom of the steps.
Her body screamed in anger as she stared up at the blue sky above her. All she could do was stare upward, feeling the freezing burn of the snow soak into her coat. Her wings weakly unfurled and she grit her teeth.
A second passed, as she gently flexed each part of her body, assessing the damage. She sighed and closed her eyes.
"Why?" she asked. "Why does this happen to me?"
What would Celestia think if she saw her now?
A fragile, ill-prepared Princess who surrounds herself with projects and stress until finally she breaks. The rush of success becoming addiction. The rush becoming less and less satisfying, so instead aiming for more success, more awards, more benefit. More. Always More.
What's it going to take?
It has to be the world. Always the world. If the whole world isn't saved or benefited, she's wasting her time. Her potential. She can do so much. Now look at her. Bruised and beaten in the snow from one little trip.
She can't help but chuckle to herself.
"Why am I like this?" she muttered to herself, an involuntary smile curling on her lips.
I hate myself so much.
"Twilight, are you okay?" Spike said, walking out to the threshold. "What happened?!"
"Just a slip," Twilight said. "I'll be okay."
"I think you're bleeding," he said, walking down the steps effortlessly. Why was something that was so hard for her, so easy for him.
It's not fair.
"Come on, let's get you inside."
"No, Spike," Twilight said, unmoving. "I'll be fine. I just need a moment to collect my pride."
"But it's freezing out here."
Twilight blinked, staring at the sky.
Wouldn't it be easier if she could just... fizzle. Disappear into the air, into some state of non-existent being. To be alive, but not here. To be gone, but still around.
"I don't know what I'm doing anymore, Spike," she mumbled to the baby dragon. "Everything is so hard."
Spike sighed and laid in the snow beside Twilight.
"You've been taking your medication, right?" he asked.
"Of course," Twilight said. "I haven't had a low in a long, long time. I just... I don't know."
"Listen," Spike said. "Things are hard, and they're always gonna be hard. And we're gonna fall down sometimes. Wait. Is that too soon?"
Twilight chuckled gently.
"But we have to pick ourselves up and keep going. I think you've been overworking yourself."
"You can say that again," she said.
"At least you recognize the problem this time. And you're trying to make it better, yeah?"
"Yeah," she mumbled.
"So yeah, you're in good shape."
"I don't feel like I'm good," Twilight said. "I don't feel... Anything. I feel like I keep futilely trying to make some sort of good, but there's always a more prevalent bad thing that's more important or worse than the good that I make. I feel like it's all... just too much. I'm never making headway or actually improving anything. I'm just keeping myself busy with meaningless stuff until I die."
A silence filled the air.
"Sorry. I shouldn't talk about my feelings when I'm down. I always-"
"Do you think I'm meaningless, Twilight?" Spike asked.
"Of course not, Spike," She said, looking to him.
"Well, you raised me. Well, are raising me. So, if I'm pretty alright, are you a failure?"
"I don't even think I'm a failure, Spike. I just-"
"That's not the point. The point is that you're doing good. And you have to give yourself more credit."
Twilight looked back to the sky and sighed.
"It's hard sometimes."
"Yeah," Spike said. "But that's life."
The two laid in the snow, staring at the sky together.
"Hey, Spike?"
"Yeah, Twilight?"
"It's cold."
The two laughed in unison for a moment.
"Yeah," Spike said. "I suppose so."
"Let's clean this up and head inside."
"That sounds like a good idea to me."
