The Sesquiannual Meeting of the League of Evildoing Villains Intending Terrible Yields

by Show Stopper

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: The Movie, Derpy Hooves, Grubber, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Sugar Belle
Length: 3120

A group of villains meet up to discuss the destruction of Equestria. It's a good thing they're actually kind of bad at it.

Far to the northwest in the ancestral lands of ponies, four master manipulators meet to discuss the upcoming destruction of Equestria.

56th's time's the charm, right?

Written for the Season 9 Bingo Writing Contest.
The prompts: Movie Character, Ancestral Lands, Sugar Belle, Derpy, Grogar

Published 2019-02-25 01:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-03-24 22:40:26 UTC

LEVITY

Far to the west of the Crystal Empire, across the Great Northern Continent shrouded in perpetual snowfall, there rested an ancient ruin, forgotten by ponykind.

“Gah! It’s freaking freezing up here!”

Well, most of ponykind.

“Isn’t that just like a unicorn? Always complaining about every little thing.”

“I do tend to complain about freezing to death, yes!”

Through the icy tundra and swirling snows trotted two mares. The first was a pink unicorn with a purple mane and tail, so bundled up in winter gear that it was impossible to make out any further detail. The second was a grey pegasus with a yellow mane and tail whose simple yellow and white striped scarf did nothing to conceal her cutie mark of bubbles. Towards the frozen ruin they trudged, bickering all the while.

“And how are you not freezing?!” Sugar Belle demanded, glaring at the pegasus. “That scarf can’t be doing anything to keep you warm!”

“Gee, I don’t know,” Ditzy “Derpy” Doo said, tapping her chin in mock contemplation. “Maybe it’s because pegasi live in the clouds? Where it’s cold?” She rolled her eyes, both in the same direction for once. “Really, I’d be colder as a yak then I am now.”

Sugar grumbled to herself as they trotted on, quickly reaching one of the old huts and ducking inside. “I still don’t see why we have to trot all the way out here.”

Derpy shrugged. “Because we couldn’t agree on anyone’s territory so we stubbornly chose a neutral location in the middle of nowhere.”

“You know, I still disagree that this location is neutral.” The jingling of bells accompanied a third quadruped as he entered the hut. He was an old ram, his blue skin stretched taut over bones, twin horns curling high over his head. He wore a collar of bells that jingled with every step he took, emitting an unearthly ring that chilled Sugar to the bones. “This village was once populated by earth ponies,” he said, glaring at Sugar. “Hardly neutral ground.”

“Oh please,” Sugar scoffed, rolling her eyes. “Ponies haven’t lived here for thousands of years. Not since the windigos chased us out. Just because you’re millions of years old doesn’t mean that ancient history actually matters, Grogar.”

Grogar, the Dark Lord and Litch King of Tambelon, growled at Sugar. “Keep talking, pony, and I’ll add your soul to my collection.”

“Oh yeah! Let’s get a fight going on up in here!”

The three quadrupeds sighed and rolled their eyes as the fourth and final member of their party waddled in. Short and plump, the grey hedgehog lumbered into the cottage with a piece of cake grasped in his paw. “Great,” Derpy muttered. “The idiot’s here.”

“I resent that,” Grubber snapped, shoving the cake into his mouth and chewing furiously. He gave a loud swallow before pointing angrily at Derpy. “If I’m such an idiot, then why was my plan almost successful? In fact, I would have succeeded if a certain someone hadn’t gotten in Tempest’s way!”

“Oh, like it’s my fault Rainbow threw me in front of that orb!” Derpy shouted back, flying over and glaring down at the hedgehog. “In fact, I should bring up charges against you! Didn’t we agree that there’d be no interfering with each other? I’m pretty sure petrifying someone counts as interfering!”

“Oh will you shut up!” Sugar grabbed Derpy’s tail in her mouth and yanked her back and to the ground. “It’s not like you were in the middle of a plan anyway. And can you drop the disguise already? It’s weird talking to you when I know that you’re not really a pony.”

Derpy glared at Sugar before huffing. A blaze of green flame consumed her for a moment before dissipating to reveal a neon-green changeling. “There,” she buzzed. “Happy?”

“What in the name of all that is cursed happened to you?!” Grogar demanded, staring in open horror at Derpy.

“Go figure. Litches can’t keep up with current events.” Derpy sighed and shook her head. “Thorax figured out the flaw in our genes and started sharing love. I had to join in with the love-fest to avoid suspicion.”

“Much as I would love to make fun of bug zapper here,” Grubber snipped, “we do have a meeting to start, don’t we?”

Grogar sighed. “Indeed we do.” He cleared his throat and clopped his hoof on the ground twice. “I hereby call the eighty-seventh sesquiannual meeting of the League of Evildoing Villains Intending Terrible Yields to order. Chairman Grogar recognizes, as a point of formality, the motion to change the League’s name and summarily dismisses it as said discussion always dissolves into pointless bickering. Next order of business, a review of the latest attempt to take over and/or destroy Equestria.” He turned to Sugar. “I must say, even though she ultimately failed, your niece was quite competent.”

Sugar sighed and nodded. “Yeah, little Cozy tried her best. And I must admit, your apprentice was a good mentor for her. I think she needs a few more years though before she can be a truly credible threat again. Time for Equestria to forget her, you know?”

Grogar nodded before turning to Derpy. “As for your latest attempt-”

“I’m going to stop you right there,” Derpy buzzed, holding up a hoof. “Chrysalis acted entirely on her own there, as evidenced by her terrible execution. And planning. And…” She rolled her eyes. “Honestly, she’s been a lost cause ever since we all transformed. I still haven’t been able to find a good replacement for her.”

“Well, you know,” Grubber piped up, “the Storm Kingdom has plenty of disgruntled generals and soldiers with nothing to do and plenty of reason to seek revenge on Equestria. I’m sure I could whisper in a few ears and get things goin’ if you want another army to try with.”

Derpy raised an eyebrow. “That’s… surprisingly generous. What’s the catch? Aren’t you going to need them for your next attempt?”

“Are you kidding?” Grubber held up his hands and shook his head. “I’m bowing out! I took an army, led by a traitor, into Canterlot itself and I still couldn’t take it! That was my masterpiece. The bugbear and parasprites were just filler stuff to buy time while I manipulated the Storm King. Sorry, but you guys need to get another villain to fill out your quartet.”

Grogar nodded. “Fair enough. I believe my apprentice is advanced enough to join our ranks.”

Sugar sighed, leaning back and looking at the ceiling. “Yeah, I guess Tirek is pretty good. I don’t trust him necessarily, but if you think you can keep him in line then I won’t complain. Guess that means it’s your turn to try to take over?”

Grogar snorted. “Take over? Please. You know that’s not how I operate. Destruction and mayhem are more my modus. I think I’ll go with the old classic, see how Equestria’s heros react to hordes of undead marching throughout the land.”

“With a giant rainbow blast, probably.”

Grogar frowned. “You ponies are irritatingly good at using those, yes.”

“Well, if that’s all,” Derpy got to her hooves, transforming again, “I’ve got to see a yeti about an army. Come on, Grubber.”

Grubber hopped onto her back and she trotted back into the snow. “You think he’ll be able to summon them before the ponies take him down?”

Derpy chuckled and launched herself into the air, winging her way southwest. “It’d take a miracle.”

Freaking Rainbow Lazers

***8 months later***

They tried not to laugh.

They really did.

But they didn't try that hard.

Grogar grumbled under his breath as Sugar and Derpy rolled around, laughing their horns off. Even Tirek, his own apprentice, couldn't help but chuckle. "Oh, come off it," Grogar groused. "You, Derpy, have no room to laugh."

Derpy sobered up immediately as Sugar's laughter redoubled in volume and intensity. "Dude, not cool. Besides, at least I can cover this up." She smirked. "Have you tried dying your coat?"

Grogar rolled his teal eyes. "Much to my embarrassment, yes. I also attempted several illusion spells and even those newfangled 'colored contact lenses.'" He glared down at his pastel-pink coat. "Nothing worked."

"And here I thought I got the worst end of the Rainbow Death Laser," Tirek croaked.

"F-f-friendship L-laser," Sugar corrected, finally regaining some composure. "N-not a death laser. And I can't believe you thought your silly bells would be able to stop it!"

"For your information, my bells were more than enough to render the Elements impotent!" Grogar shouted. He winced at his higher, more feminine voice and rubbed at his throat. "I simply... didn't anticipate that they would manage to remove them from me." A single bell chimed and his yoke appeared around his neck, vanishing again a second later. "Or that they would be able to ward them to return to Canterlot. That young alicorn is refreshingly proficient in manipulating ancient artifacts. I believe my next attempt will involve manipulating her. That or dominating her mind outright."

"Good luck with that," Derpy grumbled. "There's a reason I've never tried. The mare's mind is a steal fortress. I don't know if it's from being an alicorn, being Sun-Butt's student, or being just that darn smart, but it'd be easy to deal with the Pink One's mind than hers."

A collective shudder ran through the group, and they each pulled out a roll of streamers which Sugar promptly lit on fire. "May her joy never stalk us," they chanted in unison.

"Anyway," Sugar said, tossing her sacrificial offering aside, "I believe it's my turn."

"I thought you weren't going to be using Cozy for a while," Tirek said.

"I'm not," Sugar replied. "Like I told these guys, she needs to wait a while for ponies to forget about her. Besides, all that time rotting in Tartarus will be wonderful motivation for her to seek revenge. No, I'm going to go for a Civil War thing this time around."

Derpy raised an eyebrow. "That Avengers plot? You've been through the mirror?"

"A few times," Sugar admitted. "Humans just have so many wonderful ways to commit acts of atrocity."

"Care to clue the two of us in?" Tirek asked, Grogar nodding along.

"Basically," Sugar explained, "I'm going to try to turn them against each other. Hay, I only really need to get one of them to turn her back on the rest, and no more Rainbow Friendship Laser." She frowned. "I just wish I'd been around during that Mare-Do-Well situation I've heard so much about; I would have been able to really slam a wedge between Pride-Flag and the others." She smirked. "The Element of Loyalty, betrayed by her friends. That would have been great!"

Derpy nodded along. "Yeah, missed opportunity there. I would have capitalized on it if I could, but my little Muffin had a cold that week." Seeing the incredulous stares directed her way, she glared around at the group. "What? I'm a changeling. I need love to survive. And a kid's love for her mother is extremely potent."

Tirek shrugged. "Fair enough. So," he turned to Sugar, "how do you plan to drive that wedge?"

Sugar smirked. "Well, it just so happens that I've recently taken up semi-permanent residence in Ponyville to be closer to my stalionfriend, who just happens to be the older brother of one of the Element Bearers."

Two sets of eyes widened and Derpy started snickering. "Okay, wow. That is low. You know the big guy is utterly smitten with you, right? I get a buffet just walking near you two."

Sugar tossed her mane and chuckled. "Oh, I know. I've got that stallion wrapped around my hoof. Better yet, I know for a fact that a couple of the Bearers not only swing towards the fairer sex, but also are almost as attracted to me as he is." She licked her lips. "Seeing Applejack's over-protectiveness tear them apart is going to be oh so delicious. And after that," she shrugged, "Grogar can come marching through with the Storm Army or whatever."

"It may take me a while to gather the forces," Grogar mused, "but I believe we can be ready in about half a year."

"Sounds like you've got a plan." Derpy nodded. "Well, I think this one might actually have some potential. Next time we meet up, let's have it be to discuss the ruling of Equestria under our iron hooves!"

...We're Just Bad At This

***8 Months Later***

Sugar Belle fidgeted nervously as her fellow villainous masterminds starred her down incredulously.

"Let me get this straight," Tirek said, massaging his temples. "Your plan was to get one of the Element Bearers to fall in love with your beloved, creating a love triangle situation that would lead to anger between her and your beloved's overprotective sister..."

"...but instead," Grogar continued, "you somehow arranged to mary said beloved, as well as said Element Bearer, the sister of another Element Bearer, and the local schoolteacher?"

"To be fair," Cheerilee said, sipping a cup of tea as she sat beside her new sister-wife, "I was already planning to make a move on Macintosh. Fluttershy and Marble getting involved just accelerated my plans a touch."

"And you brought one of them with you!" Tirek shouted. "This meeting is supposed to remain secret!"

"Oh, pipe down you overgrown ape!" Sugar snapped. "I couldn't come up with a good lie to get out of our date night. Besides, Cheery promiced she wouldn't say a word, and my Cheery would never break a promice to me!"

Grogar raised an eyebrow. "'Cheery?'"

Sugar blushed, Cheerilee giggled, and Ditzy just sighed. "Yeah, they've all fallen pretty hard," she said. "On the upside, I've never felt so full in my life. On the downside..."

Sugar looked down and began tracing circles on the stone floor. "I, um, I might need to retire from LEVITY. I just don't think I can keep plotting against Flutt-Flutt."

"...Flutt-Flutt?"

"Ponies are inherently sickeningly sachrine creatures, my apprentice. Doubly so when they're in love."

Ditzy sighed. "Guess we're down to three now."

"Not so fast!" Grubber waddled into the room, a proud grin on his face. "It just so happens that I've concocted a devious, evil plan in the last year and a half. One that is guaranteed to bring Equestria to its knees!"

Grogar raised an eyebrow. "This plan had better hold more weight than those soldiers you lent me. They barely fed my undead hoards for a day."

Grubber scowled. "That's because they were supposed to fight with your forces, not feed them."

"...ah. That would have been more effective."

"Are you sure these are the evil masterminds behind every attack against Equestria?" Cheerilee whispered to Sugar. "They... don't seem to be very good at their jobs."

"Grogar's a litch whose brains are literally rotting out of his skull and Tirek's new" Sugar whispered back. "The only ones to almost succeeded were me, bug-breath, and the hedgehog."

"...didn't one of your plans end with you getting brainwashed and your cutie mark stolen?"

"It's about the art," Sugar explained. "Not personal profit."

"So?" Tirek demanded, crossing his arms and scowling at Grubber. "What is this genius plan of yours?"

"I heard from a certain Draconequus that there are three fillies in Ponyville who are particularly prone to mayhem and destruction."

"If you're going to try to harness the CMC," Ditzy warned, "you should know that they're beyond all control or manipulation. I once took them out on a fishing trip to guage their potential." She flicked her tongue angrily. "It ended with us shipwrecked on a sandbar, covered in tree sap."

"...how did you get covered in-"

"I DON'T KNOW!!! One minute we were fishing and all was fine! Next thing I know it's-"

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS INSERT ACTIVITY HERE! YAY!!!" Cheerilee, Sugar and Ditzy coursed.

"And then it's all just a blur until we crashed," Ditzy finished. "We were nowhere near a forest, and the boat and poles were aluminum. I think those three just produce tree sap spontaneously."

"Gee," Grubber said, rubbing the back of his head. "Guess giving them a lifetime supply of energy drinks will make things pretty crazy, huh?"

Three sets of equine eyes went wide. Ditzy began whimpering as Cheerilee's face paled. "I, um, I don't suppose you could put that plan off until my new family has evacuated Ponyville, could you?" Sugar asked nervously.

Grubber shrugged. "Sorry. Shipped it a couple of days ago. And I shipped the one for Pinkie Pie right before coming here."

*thud*

Grogar and Tirek stared at their comrades' reactions. Ditzy had fainted dead away while the two earth ponies had fled screaming. They looked at each other before turning back to the sheepish Grubber.

"What's wrong with them?" Grogar asked.

Grubber Wins

*eight months later*

In the ancient, ancestral lands of ponies in the formerly frozen north, twelve figures floated on an obsidion raft over an ocean of boiling lava. Tirek used one of the magically reinforced oars to guide the raft towards one of the nearby mountains while Grogar used his magic to keep the raft afloat. Ditzy snoozed in the heat while Grubber watched over three unconscious fillies. Sugar Belle sat grumpilly in the middle with her husband and three sister-wives.

"Figures," she muttered. "I finally quit LEVITY, and they destroy Equestria on the next go."

"There there," Fluttershy said, giving her a loving nuzzle. "You had a lot of good plans that almost worked."

"If it's any consolation," Cheerilee added, "I would have preferred it if you'd succeeded."

"Mm-hm."

"Eeyup."

"Would you all be quiet, Grogar muttered, eyes clenched tight in concentration. "I'm trying to keep all of us from frying here."

"Ignore him," Ditzy muttered happily. "Even at the end of the world, your love is delicious."

"Sorry about this," Grubber said, staring wearily at the sleeping CMC. "I didn't think it'd get this bad."

"What are you apologizing for?" Tirek grinned and spread his arms wide. "You didn't just destroy Equestria; you destroyed the whole world! That's a win in my book!"

Grogar nodded, smirking even as sweat poured down his muzzle. "Indeed. After all this time, LEVITY has succeeded!" He opened his eyes and looked southward towards the raging pink storm broken up by the occasional pink tornado or mushroom cloud.

"How long do you think she's going to keep going?" Cheerilee asked.

"Well," Fluttershy considered, "she's already drunk her way through the Fillydelphia and Manehattan plants and Twilight's personal study stash. She should be winding down soon as long as she doesn't find-" Another mushroom cloud bloomed on the horizon and Fluttershy sighed. "...Luna's stash."