The Last Mistake That I'll Ever Make
I read a letter about a publish request for my latest book. It read along the lines of having it denied, again. I drop the note as tears form in my eyes. This was the 12th story I've tried to publish this month and got denied... I walked around the room as thoughts came to my mind.
I stare at myself in the mirror, looking at the scares on my body from so long ago. My tears began rolling down my face from the memories. I had pushed these thoughts away long ago, but here I am now again, back in the black dark void of my thoughts. I had tried to keep it away from me as much as possible, but I was too broken inside to stop it...
I punch the mirror in frustration as I stare at the cracked image. I'm such a bucking screw up...
I can't seem to keep up in school except for my favorite classes and even then, still don't do the work, and I can't get my life together. I'm never gonna be able to go to college or get a job, or even become a successful writer... I'm too useless with my autism... nopony would even hire me or support me...
Anything I had hoped to accomplish in life, was just a foals fantasy... a dream... I'd never been able to do it... Everypony is better off without me screwing up everything for them... I'm a retard who does nothing but screw everything up.
"Hey Script, time for dinner, come down, please! The pizza is here!"
I hear my friend Blood Moon calling me down. We had just finished a hang out day and decided to have dinner together to end the day. I took a deep breath wiping my face and headed downstairs to eat.
"Hey, you doing alright, Script?" Blood asks me when she sees me walking in the dining room.
"Yeah, I'll be fine," I mutter putting on a fake smile. "I'm just a little tired, didn't sleep too great last night." I sat at the table staring at the food on my plate. I wasn't hungry so I just picked up the fork and poked the food.
After a few moments of silence, Blood Moon spoke up. "Script,"
I continued poking my food but mumbled in response.
"You haven't been eating for the past few weeks, are you sure you're alright?" she asks.
"I'm fine," I say, trying not to snap at her.
Blood stares at me suspiciously. "Script?"
I dropped the fork in frustration. "What?!" I snap. "Why do you always talk to me like that?" I stared at my friend for a moment as I forced myself not to cry as my ears folded slightly. "Sorry, that came out wrong..." I mumbled. Blood Moon put a hoof on my shoulder.
"Script, you know you can talk to me if something's wrong."
"I'm fine." I uttered with a sigh.
Blood paused for a moment, then let out a sigh. "Alright, I won't force you to talk."
"I'm just gonna go use the bathroom for a bit..." I got up from the chair and rushed up the stairs into the bathroom.
I shut the door quickly as the tears ran down my face like a waterfall. I collapsed onto the floor as I felt my body ache.
"I can't keep up this fake life anymore..." I whimper. "I can't do this...I'm so tired of feeling like this... I'm tired of..." I paused for a moment as I struggled to find my words. "...living..."
I finally made up my mind...
I get up and kept telling myself to get it together and stop crying for once as I quickly ran out of the bathroom into my room, shutting the door. I took a piece of paper from my desk and grabbed a quill with some ink. I wrote a few final words to my friends, even writing a few personal notes to some friends. I then neatly folded them up and put them in separate envelopes labeling each one, then setting them in plain sight.
I then went to my closet dresser pulling open the bottom drawer filled with a bunch of dull knives and other objects, along with a rope. I thought for a moment as I stared at the rope, slowly pulling it out then shut the drawer.
I began tying it slowly as my hooves shook. I held the rope staring at it. "This will make it better..." I think, trying to comfort myself.
I then tied the rope around a decoration hook on my ceiling then went to go grab a chair. I slowly got onto the chair, holding onto the rope slightly, then pulled it over my neck as I felt my body shake even more. I felt tears stream down my face as my body felt frozen, so I moved my back hoof to the back of the chair. I shut my eyes tight as I pushed against the chair.
The chair fell down and I found myself unable to breathe. I began to struggle, thrashing around my neck trying to break free. I kept kicking and gasping for air but eventually finally gave in. I slowly shut my eyes as my mind grew fuzzy.
Then everything just stopped.
I open my eyes finding myself on the floor. I look up, seeing my body dangling from the ceiling, pail.
I see Blood Moon, walking in staring at my body. She started crying. She then found the note. I watch as she takes the note and reads it. Tears form in her eyes as she reads it, dropping it to the floor sobbing.
"Script, why did you do this...?" she whimpered as she fell to the floor in despair. I watch as I realize what I had just done.
I just killed myself...
No more friends, no more joy, no more laughter, no more fun, I'm just dead...
I had made a terrible mistake that can never be undone...
Author's Note
Now before you start commenting on this, I wrote this to show that suicide is not worth it and just know that I do have depression, and I don't want to go into detail for it due to personal reasons... I'm not looking for drama but this is how I feel sometimes. I just feel like nobody would really care if I'd die, or even stop me... I always seem to screw everything up and can't do things right... I've just constantly struggled for the past few months not to kill myself and it's so hard... I'm constantly paranoid that I'm just gonna snap at any second and just finally give in after almost four years of fighting... but I just keep going through life with a fake smile as if everything is fine when it's not...
If you managed to read all of this, thanks...
(PS, if anyone who is reading this knows me personally, just chill and chat with me, k?)
