TF2 analysis: Rule book

by Light Heart101

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Original Character, Team Fortress
Length: 2047

This is the basic rule book for anypony who ends up on their battlefield. Warning: It's not your typical rule book.

Welcome to basic training for the TF2 analysis team. Now many bronies ask why we don't accept new applicants. A large part of it is because 1, we prefer to hire ponies we know, 2, it is super dangerous and our insurance doesn't cover most of your insurance costs, 3, we came up with a rule book and it tends to scare ponies off. So here's our list of rules that you need to follow alongside having decent combat skills.

Published 2019-03-06 17:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-03-06 17:20:02 UTC

Rule book

Greetings and welcome. To maintain some form of order and comfort, and to keep track of stuff that certain members are not allowed to do we now have a rule book. This is unanimous to keep fights to a minimum. All members can place rules that they think will help us. Please stay safe, and please keep the rules reasonable. -Dr Wolf

Listen to Dr Wolf. Somehow even though he doesn't do anything besides working at his desk, he's still the boss.

Keep in mind that even though all of the members can put up their rules, I do go over them. (I expect you in my office KP)

Don't touch Mad Munchin's hat. She knows if you do, even if she's not looking.

Do not say the following words when Lightning Bliss is in the near vicinity. Cute, short, small, weak, and Mary Sue.

~~All members have to wear pink whenever the announcer says.~~

Bronies are allowed to ask Dr Wolf to have rules removed.

Do not look down the barrel of your gun when cleaning it.

~~No using Eliora's gun to roast smores, cook Silverquill, roast other teammates, drying laundry,~~ No using Eliora's flamethrower.

No using the intercom to tell knock knock jokes.

No playing with the trap door.

No stealing Lightning Bliss's sandwiches even if you are hungry.

No bringing pets or loved ones into the combat zone without express permission or if they are already a part of the team.

No using the cloaking device for stealing Bliss's food.

Don't play with the respawn machine. ~~It's not a printer, stop shoving paper, food,~~ Do not shove anything into it.

~~Everybody must say that Lightning Sentry is the best ship.~~ ~~Silver Sue is the best ship.~~ No using the rule book for shipping. ~~Even if it's a good ship?~~ No shipping on the rule book under any circumstances.

The meat in the freezer is for Dr Wolf. It is not a power up for the heavies.

~~Medics are not legally required to uber the heavies. The demo ponies are a good...~~ Ignore number 17.

Snipers are not allowed to use their rifles to keep an eye on their special someponies outside of the base. (Yes, I know what you do in your free time Golden.)

Mary Sue is not allowed to be on the field under any circumstances.

No petting the puppy. You'll get a one hour lecture from him.

No using twerking to burst sentries.

No strong language.

No making Mad Munchkin or Ink Rose go into their super forms just to roast marshmallows.

No dancing on top of the buildings.

No three hour rampages. (The last time that happened the respawn generator overloaded. It's still buggy to this day.)

No inviting Dusty Cat to the base in any circumstances.

No eating Silverquill unless everybody's present.

No Rick rolling.

Be willing to submit yourself to unusual medical operations if the respawn generator is down or if you don't get killed on the field.

No impersonating as a licenced doctor unless you are playing the medic. ~~Dr Wolf is a Phycologist which is not a real doctor, so he doesn't count as a licenced doctor.~~ (HEY!)

The rule books are not to be used for target practice.

No breaking the fourth wall. Right now the only pony allowed to do it is the writer of this story. (I hold no shame for this joke.)

No riding the Dragon. Bliss doesn't care about your dreams, don't do it!

No using your super form outside of scheduled super form sessions. (Unless this is the first time. Then expect some mercy)

No using sprays on other players faces.

The generators are not vending machines.

No modding. (if it isn't a super form or naturally in the game, it isn't allowed)

No building super mechs if you can't control them.

No hugging the Munchy (It's Munchkin, spell my name right)

No stopping the match just because somebody comes up with a new pizza idea.

The plungers are not a part of the game and are used for plumbing, not for secondary weapons.

If somebody is on the rampage, please don't make it worse or egg it on.

The demos are only allowed one eye patch each. Using two doesn't make you look cooler and is a hindrance to all of us.

No alcohol on the field.

Cell phones are not allowed on the field during a match. We will not pause the game just so you can post something.

~~The smoothie machine is only to be used after training.~~ (Nevermind, it got blown up.)

Silverquill is not allowed to use his superform just so you can recreate the game in real life. (P.S. On a related note don't go painting ponies green.)

~~Dr Wolf is only allowed to bite our ears off for 15 minutes per incident.~~ (I am the boss here. I expect you in my office Brand) (How did you know.) (I have my ways. Office, Now!)

Jasper Pie is not entitled to give free pizza to his team mates, SO STOP ASKING FOR PETE'S SAKE!!!

~~The limit for puns per day is~~ ~~10~~ ~~25~~ ~~50~~ I give up.

Insulting nicknames are to be kept to a minimum and shouldn't go far enough to the point where you are being barbecued alongside Silver.

Dr Wolf is to remember to not eat his team mates. (That was one time and I was starving. Please do not mention it again.)

No using the medic gun for splinters.

"The voice in my head told me to" is not a reason to ~~decapitate, steal, burn,~~ do ANYTHING.

As scary as spiders can be you are not allowed to use your weapons on them.

The giant cardboard box is for emergencies only.

No using the teleporting pads to deliver pizzas.

If the shippers start asking about your opinion about your favorite ship, run away.

"The stars are in position for this tribute" is not a reason to cook Silverquill.

Singing "With catlike tread" during a stealth mission is not appropriate or stealthy.

"Trying to trip the enemy" is not a excuse to litter on the field.

~~Mary Sue day must be celebrated 365 days of the year.~~

Mary Sue isn't allowed to add to the rule book.

~~We do not talk about the duck incident.~~

No referencing other stories that other readers might not know about and are not directly related to us. (But I love the 'Potion shop' by Ashfer. That's where I got the idea for the list.) (I understand, but we need to draw the line somewhere.) (But I'm the author if this story.) (Yes, but you are not a member of this team. Speaking of which...)

No writing yourself into the team unless you are already on it, even if you are the writer.

Any language that isn't clean is subject to be bleeped out with a Fluttershy cheer.

"We need a plot line for this episode" is not a reason to push your teammates to the breaking point.

Just because you saw the target first doesn't mean you got the kill. It goes to whomever shoots the target to bits.

The sniper is not allowed to sell lemonade for obvious reasons.

You are not allowed to stop the game just to take a nap.

If Bliss ever purposefully tried to disable you by being cute you should avoid eye contact. The last pony who stared into her eyes for too long while she was being cute was trapped in a trance for 48 hours.

"I'm not a main character in this episode" is not a reason to skip training.

Jasper's uncle is not to be invited or talked about.

All attacks against the robot factory are to be ran by Dr Wolf. Expect the plan to go wrong either way.

If you walk up to Dr Wolf's office and hear 'uptown funk' playing, don't enter. (or get it on film, whichever one you can get away with.)

The only reasons for a different OC to sub for a player is sickness. No faking it just to get Teric on your team for a few easy wins.

Magic is only to be used for handling weapons. You are not allowed to use it against your enemies to get an unfair advantage.

Eating the entire sugar supply to gain an advantage is not allowed, and won't work anyways. Bliss tried it and got a stomach ache for three hours.

"It was in the way of the sun and I want a tan" is not a reason to blow up a building.

Making Fynn the Pony cry is a offence for which you will be barbecued for.

"I want to quote Arnold Schwarzenegger" is not a reason to buy a copper.

Due to safety reasons and the fact that we really don't want to be sued by Hasbro, the mane six are not allowed on the combat field.

All robots remains are to be used for target practice, not for tea parties. (If you are still doing that, you need to talk to the Doc.)

No replacing the uniforms with ~~tutus, clown costumes, socks,~~ anything.

"I'm bored" is not a reason to coat yourself with honey, roll around in the sand, light matches on yourself, use it to light a building on fire, replace the fire water with gasoline, and eat all of the ice cream while everybody else is busy with the chaos.

The emergency missile supply is for an invasion, not for your amusement Silver.

Because the last several ones were shot and ruined, no bouncy castles on the base.

No making bouncy castles out of our toilet paper supply.

Do not mentally break the puppy! He will pull someponies ears and that hurts.

There are no lakes near the base. If you start seeing them then you should go inside and have the medic check on you for heat stroke and concussions.

No shaving the other teammates.

Even though we all know that she has it, we do not mention Mary Sue's pink hair dye supply. (I refuse to see that argument play out, so just pretend to be ignorant.)

"But I'm Mary Sue" is not a reason to try to overrule the ponies in charge.

No replacing the tomato soup supply with hot sauce.

The game "Who can get Firebrand to scream the loudest" is never to be played again. We lost the toilet for a month the last time you played that.

Any damages done to the property comes out of the pay fund. (So that's why we never get paid.)

If it isn't combat equipment, then guess that it's not in the budget.

If the base is invaded by Dusty Cat or by an army of robots then assume that the rules above don't apply.

Now this is the most important rule... Whatever you do, don't Wait, what is this? Wow! This actually happened five times? Uh, I don't think I'll touch this for now. I'll just put a spoiler bar over this and hope that nobody hovers their mouse over this. If they are reading this, I'm not entitled to explain what this rule is about. It got covered at the end of his safety video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5q0EUaQ0F2o I recommend you watch the series, it's great. I did a review on it once.

Now these are the most basic rules that should be followed. There might be future installments. Now have fun and stay safe...ish.

Author's Note

I'm not a part of the crew and did this out of fun. Please check out Dr Wolf's series. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL4flTJfGvAgcn_8ljwuKV-c3Yq-Kcr5B6
I'd love to see you all guess who wrote which rules.