I opened my apartment door and strode inside with a plastic bag held in my teeth. I spit it out on my dingy kitchen countertop and retrieved the items inside: Frozen broccoli, three apples, some granola, a bag of gummy worms, and a smaller plastic bag emblazoned with the logo Cl*pbusters.
After hastily putting the food away in the dim daylight forcing its way through the closed curtains of my living room window, I dumped the porno out of its little baggy and picked it up. Pizza Colts VII. I hadn't even heard of the previous six, but if they were good enough to merit a seventh, then why the hell not give it a shot? The cover had various attention-getters like "Horny mares!" and "These pizza colts give them the tip!" surrounding an image of a mare holding her tail up, with the view of her plot blocked by the back of the pizza colt's head. There were also a couple yellow stars sprinkled around as if just for good measure.
I slid the black video tape from its thin cardboard sleeve and popped it into the VCR then turned on the TV. I was instantly greeted by loud moans and a mare so wet that I couldn't tell whether she was sweating or had just stepped out of the shower. Seemed like the last asshole to rent it didn't rewind it, and the lazy Cl*pbusters owner didn't bother either. I sighed and stopped the video, and hit the rewind button, muttering annoyed curses under my breath as I tried to ignore the thought that some other horny stallion had probably blown his load just before this moment in the video. As soon as it finished rewinding, I hit 'play' on the VCR and stepped over to my reasonably comfy armchair and reclined back, rubbing idly at my sheath.
"Fuckin' finally," I sighed, then watched the intro.
It opened with an establishing shot of a white upscale house and a title in plain white letters that were hard to read over the fucking house. Pizza Mares VII, it proclaimed. What? It's called Pizza Colts, not Pizza Mares. Not off to a good start, I thought. The camera cut to an interior shot showing a relatively young unicorn mare, with a light creamy coat and coffee-brown mane of straight hair. I recognized her as the same one I had just seen wet and moaning just a minute ago. She was pretending to be reading a book because of course she was, when a unicorn stallion walked in, with an alabaster coat and slate-gray mane. He was wearing a fancy dress jacket and top hat, and his cutie mark was an obvious makeup job, a lazily-made gold coin, smudged and surrounded by whatever his real cutie mark was bleeding through a layer of off-white that didn't match his coat.
"Honey, I'm leaving for the night," the stallion said in an exaggerated (and terribly fake) Trottingham accent.
"Okay, dear," the mare replied, looking up from her book. The two shared an admittedly realistic small kiss and he left the room, slamming the door as he exited as if to drive the point home that he was really leaving.
The scene faded into another, with the same mare laying on her belly and flicking her tail about.
"Ugh, I'm so bored. And horny," she said with a small turn of her head toward the camera, only barely succeeding in not looking directly at it. "And hungry. I think I'll order a pizza." Setting her book down without bothering to mark her page, she stood and walked to a phone mounted on the wall and picked it up without dialing a number.
"Yes, I would like the largest pizza you have. With carrots, cucumbers, eggplants..."
"Sweet Celestia," I said, frustrated, "just say you want dicks on it."
She listed a few other phallic vegetables and hung up the phone without giving them an address. I sighed, still prodding at my sheath, with nothing to show for it yet. The scene faded again to the mare reading a completely different part of her book, when there was a knock on her door.
"I'm coming!" she yelled.
Heheh, I bet she'll be saying that again pretty soon, I thought.
The shot cut to her front door, and she opened it. Standing outside was her husband... but... wearing a hat with a picture of pizza on it. Wait, what? I thought. After the two exchanged pointless pleasantries, she took the probably-empty pizza box and set it aside.
"Oh, darn! I forgot my bits in my room!" she said. "Can you wait here while I get my purse? You can come inside me if you want."
"What?" he asked, having dropped his Trottingham accent.
"I said you can come inside if you want."
"Oh. Okay."
As he stepped into the house, she turned away and exaggeratedly swayed her hips, letting her tail swing just far enough to the side to expose her sex. He and I both looked at it hungrily, and my cock slowly slid out as the low budget ceased to matter for just a second. Then she was gone and the pizza colt went into her living room to wait.
From the new angle, I could see his cutie mark, and this time it was a piece of paper, some kind of cut out picture of a slice of pizza, held on his flank with tape. At this point, I was convinced they were not meant to be roleplaying, and were instead simply unable to get an extra to play the husband. I shook my head and did my best to ignore it.
After about ten seconds of waiting, he looked left and right, then leaned back into a chair and immediately began stroking his already-hard stallionhood. I put my free hoof on my face and groaned. About two seconds later, the mare returned.
"Hey, what the fuck!" she yelled.
"Oh! I, uh... I thought you left!" the stallion said, still clutching his member in his fetlock.
"Well, I'll have to teach you a lesson, and you know how I punish naughty boys?"
"N-n-n-n-n-no," he stammered in what was sadly probably his best attempt at appearing nervous.
"I fuck them."
Seriously? Why even have the story if... oh, fuck it, I thought. I rubbed at my semi-erect length, somewhat enjoying the idea of seeing this mare fuck. No amount of bad acting was gonna make her ass stop being sexy.
"Then I swallow their cum, mmmm, and then I make them beg for mooooore," she said, ending with an awfully fake moan.
Well... maybe there were limits, even for me.
The stallion, ignoring his characterization to present, pointed his two forehooves at his stiff mast. "Well, then climb on up here and punish me."
And so she did.
She stepped over him, standing on the arms of the chair, and lowered herself in a rather impressive display of agility, guiding his cock into her with a beige telekinetic aura surrounding it.
"Unh, fuck yeah," she said as he entered her, and it was probably the most believable line in the film so far.
As the two banged on the chair, I grew fully hard and finally began enjoying myself, as their almost rabid fucking made for something worth polishing my spear to. In the middle of petting my little pony, however, I began to notice things that distracted me, pulling my thoughts away from her pussy being spread open like a wet rosepetal sandwich having a whole pickle shoved into it repeatedly.
One of her tail extensions had fallen onto the floor, and was still slightly tangled with her tail hairs or something because it kept bouncing up and down in time with her movements. The pizza colt's paper cutie mark was peeling off, and could clearly be seen bending out from his flank. I could even see a bit of the white cover-up makeup rubbing off on the arm of the chair, probably as it mixed with sweat. The whole scene started to look too trashy even for my tastes, but I did my best to focus on the delicious mare being impaled, and ignore everything else. It worked well enough.
"Nnh, gonna cum, babe," the stallion said, which tipped me over the edge. Just as he groaned, apparently filling her with his load, I came, shooting sticky white custard onto my chest, where it matted my hair in warm clumps. The mare moaned and she really seemed to be enjoying herself as far as I could tell, which helped my orgasm along until it was over. I sighed in relief.
"Never... had a pizza colt give me the tip before," the mare said, panting. I sighed again, for a completely different reason this time.
I reached over to a conveniently placed box of tissue paper and began cleaning the mess out of my coat while the mare began blowing the stallion. "Pfft, yeah, right," I said. No way any stallion would just keep going so soon. His dick wasn't even hard anymore.
"Aww, yeah, babe, gonna cum again!" he said, this time not in a breathy desperate groan, but more like he was telling her the name of a song he liked. She moaned, this time certainly fake, and I scrunched my muzzle into a disapproving glare as the camera cut to her face, with none of the stallion visible. She had her mouth open and tongue out, wisely keeping her eyes shut tight.
A splash of white fluid, looking like milk thrown from a bucket, crashed into her face, instantly wiping the forced smile away. She grimaced and said, "Eugh! Is this soy mil-"
Then the camera cut to her just sitting on the floor moaning aloud, her mane soaked, and I recognized it as the moment the previous pervert had stopped watching. In my post-coital disappointment, the scene had all the appeal of a wilted salad that had been sitting out for a couple days.
"Mmm, oh yeah, I love having your thick cum in my mane," she said.
The stallion smirked smugly and nodded. Then the shot cut away to the front door opening, and in walked the husband.
"Honey, I'm home!" he shouted.
Oh, come on, nopony says that, I thought. The scene abruptly cut back to the two in the living room, and they looked at each other. Just as I rolled my eyes, the scene disappeared, giving way to a black screen.
"Ah, fuck it," I said, not feeling like standing up quite yet, and watched the credits roll.
Wife
Street Walker
Husband/Pizza Colt
Steel Rod
Produced by
Steel Rod
Written by
Steel Rod
Street Walker
Edited by
Steel Rod
Catering
Steel Rod
Then it ended, and my TV showed a blue screen.
"I dunno what I expected," I said.
I got up and ejected the tape and put it back in its sleeve, then walked it over to set it on my kitchen counter where I wouldn't forget it. I stared at it.
It was one of the most poorly made pornos I had ever seen.
I sighed.
I already knew I was going to end up renting it again.
