"Botnik Sparkle makes a hoof"

by Ultra-the-HedgeToaster

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 8032

"The Everfree Forest doesn't know what went wrong! What will become an apple tree, and what will become a mysterious dream? The final foal awakens. Will she destroy gravity?" — An MLP-fanfic co-authored by a bot.

"The Everfree Forest doesn't know what went wrong! A collection of random stories about ponies in need of chaos threatens to be happy. What will become an apple tree, and what will become a mysterious dream? The final foal awakens. Will she destroy gravity?"

A 'My little Pony' fanfiction written using Botnik’s Predictive Keyboard. A collaboration between man and machine, in the same vein as “Harry Potter and the Portrait of What Looked Like A Large Pile of Ash”.

Teen rating for quite possibly the most bizarre innuendos you'll ever read.

Special thanks to FanOfMostEverything, and everyone involved in his multi-author shorts-collections "Never the Final Word (Vol. 2)" and "Group Precipitation" for providing the input data.

Published 2019-03-02 20:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-03-02 20:00:01 UTC

Chapter 1 – Absolutely no Rabbit of Logic.

" Botnik Sparkle makes a hoof "

~ An MLP fanfiction written using Botnik's Predictive Keyboard ~

This chapter is available as a "synthesized" audio book:

[click here] - no background music
[click here] - with ambient music loop

[overview of all chapters]

.
.
.
.

Twilight Sparkle looked down at Pinkie who was currently dressed in a fruitless attempt to be a leader.

Pinkie Pie finished counting guillotine blades, the great and magical wheels of her brain visibly turning away from Twilight's body. "Why couldn't this thing come with a manual?" The mare noticeably shattered to the floor and looked slightly better. Insisting on maximum distance between her legs, she turned away from the massive inadequacy.

Twilight nodded agreement and then began galloping in front of her own birthday.

In fact, the alicorn realized that she was performing large egg ethnicity piercings, and had begun to go back to hell. She cursed her lust and the savage representative of her brain. "Curse you, teasing artificial b█tards of discomfort!"

She teleported hundreds of millions of those civil servants before her. They kept trying to seduce her, but that still wouldn't help them. They weren't even a footnote in history.

Twilight looked down at the worst baked bads on the committee. She hurried to make sure Luna had finished stuffing more tasty members of non-changelings under their glorious hooves. She squealed in revenge excitedly.

Luna merely rolled her eyes and kept walking from her throat.

The unicorn's wing balked shushing sounds and patted the princess of the moon with a hoof under her hat. "I know it is brilliant in its own unique way," Twilight said. "Next stop: rule of cool."

Luna merely rolled down the long cave, causing an alicorn foal to make a credible threat to Equestria. "Oh goddesses collide," she cursed, probably going back up the cake.

They might not have survived eating rat blades and governmental blood with their tea and cookies. But that's not what happened.

Twilight squinted at Rarity nearby. The proper dear was just standing awkwardly over Celestia's body made by Equestria's twisting shadows.

Rarity was vaguely aware that she was obviously using magic for the rest of the team, and she threw her head back and bellowed: "Well there's no matter what her tongue was! I'm a good joke!"

Celestia nodded neutrally. Rarity cringed away from the increasing light.

Twilight stopped cackling for two days, and then brandished her hooves and tails like a madmare.

"I know it was a good joke," Rarity muttered quietly.

Eventually, Twilight blinked. This was not what she had expected.

Rarity stared directly at the door with a scowl. "Luna, what is war?"

Luna shrugged. "It was rather unwieldy. Ponies hadn't even settled on their birthright and reproduction technology in golems." Tears brimmed at the door. Sadly, she shook her sister who wasn't dressed in a spiked blue flame fireworks trail.

Celestia nodded toward the princess of the moon princess's mouth.

Luna apologized and her tears fell back up again. She opened her face and looked down to the last pony to comprehend the most advanced munchie about dragons. "You remind me of your parents." She shook her mane, expression turned puzzled in dry spaghetti.

Rarity took another breath to steel herself for some reason. Love was a good joke.

"Ah've said it would be a lot of fun," Flash said. He brushed her cheek with a hoof and gazed into her throat again. Rarity skipped a large breath. Flash grinned like a tumor. "I think we'll have to worry about an unexpected grandchild."

Rarity cringed away from the slap on his back administered by Shining Armor. "You are very unsanitary, errors in the land of magic and silicon ponies!" Shining Armor appropriately broke the table. "I think I can make you squeal of joy and then slowly negotiate a surrender." The guard snarled impassively forward through the passageway in the middle of the room.

Flash grinned like a teen of the love.

Twilight stared into her teacup. "Oh Twilight Sparkle", Princess Cadence draped herself over the younger alicorn. "This nose knows where we live." She rocked side to side on her hooves.

Twilight facehoofed against the map table covered in thick spaghetti. "Why did you just party cannon me into your honeymoon?"

Rarity nervously pawed the laminate floor underneath her head. "I... I have a great desire to only deal with physical byproducts of the Princess Celestia farting."

Twilight looked askance at Rarity. She tried to wash her throat with Applejack, but felt nothing. Twilight facehoofed. "I believe you are very slowly spreading my brother with confetti." Twilight deadpanned. "Please try to be serious."

Shiny's lips curled back in an explosion of relaxed dimensions. "I was just... being slammed into the molten lava... dead... as the branches of the library..."

Twilight snickered in Shining Armor's face. "Oh refrain from exploding, you idiot," she added with a wink. "You'd never associated love with mariachi music."

Shining Armor froze in place excitedly and then began breaking into some sort of sparkly, lethal mold, which would be distributed to ponies around town libraries dumbstruck with words.

Rarity stood over Celestia's body, completely harmless.

Celestia nodded toward the last Rarity, the only being with a pinkish coat and frilly mane, sponish with a working cure for fashion.

"It's a little difficult and the Elements of Harmony tend to take a seemingly unlikely path of least resistance that is exactly opposite of the Princess Cesium-137," said Rarity carnivorously with uproarious laughter.

Celestia nodded neutrally for a moment longer, then burst out giggling. "Oh bother, I have to repopulate the species within the changeling hive! What am I going to explain this to Equestria?"

Luna's face was redder than velvet. "What are you saying, sister! You know that you're too strong to keep using Equestrian citizens as bargaining chips!" Luna shouted. "I was supposed to be you!" She visibly caught her mouth in her mouth. "It's not what I was craving for all of my days!" She wailed quietly at the teapot, as Celestia broke the silence with a boop on the nose of her face.

"Stop using this mare cube," Celestia whispered huskily at the young mares.

Rarity turned away from the increasing noise of the sun goddess.

Twilight stared directly at the teapot. "This is... quite frightful."

Rarity nodded sagely. "Well, about an hour before sundown, your parents were assembling a new legislature for adjusted alicorns. I can't quite say anything about that, but my love radiating from Canterlot caused cutie mark chameleon stomping upon the royal kitchens," said the last Rarity in the world.

There was a moment of celestial radiation, and there was somepony new:

Pinkie Pie bounced into Twilight's eyes. "Twilight, you have to stop this!" She shook quietly in place. "What happened to Shining Armor?! Twilight, you've got a horn on your hormones, err, I mean, you have to stop messing with your lavender reptile biology! No –" She shook her hooves and rushed forward. "Twilight, you forgot most of what you see here is just weird!" She plummeted to the floor – and cookies were there, but no pony.

Twilight stared at the five silent teacups quizzically. "This bagel is going to need a friend," Twilight said slowly. It was not educational that the impossible thing was randomized. However, unless science should produce more prominent sources of discomfort, she knew it was foolish. How would you joke at a moment of silence? "Didn't even have a proper bodily trauma..." Twilight Sparkle looked down at Pinkie Pie – or what's ® of her. "Sweet racket of flaws!" Twilight dropped her body. It appeared to make a small sob.

Twilight facehoofed with the hoof that was still staring directly at her flanks. She knew it was rather pathetic, however, she could not quite frankly alphabetically rename why, but she wasn't missing the other foreleg. The unicorn pony with one hoof reached forward to grab her hooves and tails. She opened her body to make them underneath her body. Then she inhaled her wings. What had become of her brain?

"Huh..."

In a flash of green light, she spotted chunks of flesh chips embedded in obsidian doors of the library.

"Twiley..." The tree sighed through sublime military language. Twilight gaped up to the Golden Oaks Library. It was not long after that she was performing a breathing exercise. She gasped. Then swallowed her eyes, Shiny's helm held under one foreleg. She tried to focus her head and various weapons on the library. "Oh goddesses collide with a working cure for cancer!" she cried in relief, excitedly attempting to blow it up.

Twilight paused thoughtfully for a brief moment. "Wait... Maybe I don't understand you, but mom is floating in the sky and her magic coalesced into a ball." She whispered quietly at the most famous dream. She tried to catch her throat again. "You have a great magic except for being full of myopic bark."

The tree of her family sank beneath the water and looked around at his fellow athletes.

Twilight smiled fondly at this world, without any hypothetical sass. There was no snark to be found in Twilight's breakfast toast.

"Oh my brother..." she added with a manual artificial sardonic smirk. "We're unclean without biological advantages of smouldering weapons." The tree flickered into life and looked cute.

"Now I don't have to worry about an unexpected grandchild," Twilight said slowly. She was half right.

There was a moment of silence.

"Oh stars no rabbit of her horn!" Rarity cringed away from behind her face – and Twilight pushed Rarity back to the rest of the cupcakes.

Rarity took it in place of her sister, Pizza. She smiled wanly. Nothing could happen to her friend Wanda.

Twilight blinked. She stared down at herself. "I believe I don't have a shadow." She pointed firmly at herself and her own body. "Oh dear." Twilight gulped. "What am I doing? What happened to the point of our universe's endless Markov chain?" she asked hesitantly, and looked around.

Cadence smiled fondly at the teapot that was burning in her mouth. But that was technically her own fault.

Luna sat by the door wanting for a nice changeling queen to be with her. However she was obviously chocolate and confusion.

Twilight stared at Luna's body, upon which everypony could be seen. She knew that was technically entirely possible – but surely, the princess of the moon was not always conveniently covered by ponies?

"Huh," she said quietly. "You have little poooonies on your eyes."

"I know it's silly," Luna apologized profusely, absorbing all unicorn resonances around a 200 pony radius.

Celestia nodded neutrally at the teapot. Luna shrugged her wings, fluffed out as she engulfed her hooves in screaming horrors.

Rarity suspiciously broke her hooves and looked around at herself. "Yes, dear... Maybe this is not what Fluttershy-person was excited for."

Twilight snickered into the world without punctuation. "She didn't even know to come to my beloved body."

At that moment the door slammed open and then began to make a credible threat to Equestria.

Queen Chrysalis struggled to get to one of the strongest spell casters in living memory. "You are all delusions! None of this stupid time would have happened, but no, you forgot to push words through the portal!" Crying, the queen unconsciously extended her body at Twilight. Twilight's wild interest in befriending a mare absolutely did not fall off. "Well," said Princess Twilight Sparkle's mouth. "It's not like you just change'em back through defenestrated alicorns."

Rarity cringed. Luna merely rolled over and laid there.

Celestia nodded neutrally. Cadence likewise vanished in a burst of plundervines.

Queen Chrysalis drummed with her new-found forehooves. "You saved my head from exploding nominally," she whispered.

"What a ripoff!" Luna spat. Chrysalis snarled new legislature that dragons had been alphabetized, and wholly began to cast amphetamines at the teapot.

Twilight slowly choked to resignation, then brought herself flush with inspiration to the hospital.

It was a perfect plan.

Author's Note

This story was written using the Botnik Predictive Keyboard – you may recognize Botnik as the ones responsible for “Harry Potter and the Portrait of What Looked Like A Large Pile of Ash”.

It basically works like the keyboard on your smartphone, trying to guess the next word you want to type - except you can feed it a source-text. You pick a word, Botnik's algorithm gives you new words that could reasonably follow it, you pick one of those – and the insanity spirals from there... but you can sort-of steer it. Kinda. A little. :twilightsheepish:

This wasn't all written in one go. There were scenes that felt like they should be longer, or felt disconnected from the rest - so I placed the cursor back in the middle of the story and let the insanity flow anew from there in an effort to give the whole thing more structure, or sometimes shuffled paragraphs and sentences around to where they made more sense. :twilightsmile:

I also fixed some of the grammar mistakes, but only the ones that were unfunny and simply distracting / making it harder to read.

Occasionally I ended up typing two or three words or the name of a character myself to get the ball rolling in a certain direction, only for it to gloriously explode and rocket into space! :rainbowlaugh:

For example, I once tried typing “It was a beautiful day in Ponyville,” just to see what would happen next. Botnik interrupted me and offered something better. See the opening line from chapter 2. :derpytongue2:

Oh, yeah, the obvious question: “How do I do this myself?”

Turns out you can upload your own data sets on Botnik! :pinkiegasp:

You may recognize certain phrases in this story from a variety of other works – that's, because the input data set I used was FanOfMostEverything's multi-author collaborative short-story collection of “unofficial bonus chapters” to popular stories, “Never the Final Word (Vol. 2)”, which turned out to be perfect for its diversity of actions, tones, and wide range of characters, compressing it all in less than 200 kb. :twilightsmile:

Special thanks to Botnik, FanOfMostEverything, and everyone who contributed to that collection. :twilightsmile:

Chapter 2 – And Sadness in my Horse.

This chapter is available as a "synthesized" audio book:

[click here] - no background music
[click here] - with ambient music loop

[overview of all chapters]

.

.

It was a ballistic daytime in the middle of a panic.

Derpy prepared for circumstances.

Celestia snorted, starting to glow with stupid green light. "It's my fault amazing engineers from Yakyakistan use their birthright to keep Twilight Sparkle sigawesome."

Derpy prepared for her friend to not have survived dumb times once more. "I believe why you're the sun," she placed a horn on one foreleg-universe. Twilight could not be seen dumb. "I believe this way of war on the frog of heaven could be made to take a seemingly unlikely standpoint."

Celestia nodded neutrally for all eternity. They wanted to talk about being inflicted by Equestria's personal enemy tea queen, but that was only confusion of the sky.

Indeed, Cloudsdale truly cast thousands of neophyte estuaries fresh with shoggoths.

Derpy alone plastered incorrigible kindness of her family into the sitting room. Her plain words came tumbling out in a moment: "Come on! We don't have to repopulate any other sapient race, your highness, it is impossible to stay mad at you."

Celestia banished horse-apples to the floor of their bunker, and then brandished them, happy to make sense.

"You scare me sometimes when you actually could do something about it," a changeling queen caricature toy pointedly chimed up.

Derpy stopped grinning at the teapot and looked askance at the strange apparition. "What the heck? Why is it against the princess?"

Celestia wandered over to the elaborate changeling. "Well..." She smiled. "I think I can see that you know what caused us to get poisoned."

"Poisoned..." Derpy gestured around. Dissipated gentlecolts embroidered on the knee-pads of the royal guards widened into Twilight's weather vane.

"Poisoned with ponies?" Luna asked hesitantly, the alicorn clad in pony teenagers. "I believe, clearly not!"

The teenagers remained silent between clenched teeth. Trixie's face was still screaming in joy at this. "The great and deathless Trixie approves!"

A shoggoth took a deep breath and buried her nose against Trixie's body. It began to vibrate cloudy squares from the other shoggoths.

Trixie sighed in harmony.

"We have been sealed beyond the grasp of our universe's horrible shade," Princess Celestia repeated much harder, and then brandished 'it' at the space magic weapons. "Algorithms have been forcing their will on everything. I finally managed to dodge out of control, for a moment." She shook her head. "I don't have the fifth volume of the journal, but –"

"CRASH! " came from somewhere in the distance. "Cutie Mark Chameleon Hammers Potentially Unsafe, yay!" the dragon and the rabbit shouted to the air in a crushing hug of cancer.

Luna merely rolled her daughter. "Oh! It's a little girl! Oh stars divine! What do I do!"

Celestia stared at her. "You... You had a girl?! Just how many colts from the royal guard academy you've been holding back on?!"

Rarity paused thoughtfully. "Oh ho~"

Luna shrugged.

"Well..." She pointed firmly at herself and her rear. "I believe this is why."

"Lookin' gross," Flash said, starting to make him a credible threat to Equestria with sulking teeth. "Twilight makes the optimal girl."

The Nightmare Moon that viciously grinned like a rejected foal stared directly into his mouth.

She teleported hundreds of millions of nutritious coats in his mouth. Flash unhealthily broke the table on his brain.

Another universe's Flash Sentry jerkily spread his wings and screamed. He hesitated just a little before smiling back to the rest of the losers.

"I am world's face twisted, and the munchies of the love! Fear what happened not, but journey's stoplights!"

Rarity cringed away from the increasing glare of her own impassioned stoplights.

"Well, I'll be–" Suddenly, cupcakes were crammed into her face, Pinkie Pie hovering in midair with a grating noise. "Shplip," she whispered to the inconsistent foal with unbridled power, then focused on her cartoonish appearance. "Y'know, you don't think I'd make a credible threat to take over the planet, but I can't believe anything interesting lately just being ridiculous... again." She shook her head upside down and traveled through Princess Celestia farting chameleon blades to Rarity's stoplights. "It's already irrevocably doomed!" She gasped and brought herself to the floor. "Well there's your favorite hyper ambiance area queen, Apple Bloom."

Rarity paused thoughtfully to keep from exploding someone.

"Ahhh, it seemed perfectly natural." Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle scoffed. "Y'see, the last time this happened before the sun goddess turned evil, Twilight found these weapons of the crystal waters's body..."

Pinkie snapped out of the confetti. "But that still doesn't address the current problem anymore!"

Rarity nodded at this. "You have a lengthy convalescence ahead of you," she whispered, trembling slightly with a scowl on her head.

Applejack appeared, to be a friendly bodily trauma. Applejack's face was redder than 'Cherry Berry and the Lifeless Planet of Dragons'. "Ah've said it outright, millions of light years up and around, you are very much covered by Equestria's neuroses!" She pointed an accusatory hoof at the pair of spectacles.

"Uhh..." Pinkie Pie finished stuffing the rest of the cupcakes into her teacup. "I think she just hallucinated dying off to be a hologram."

A few moments later, a childhood foe was there. "What does that have to do with your sword, and wouldst you have to repopulate the species within the multiverse?" he asked nobody in particular. Mariachi music with that damn pegasus tribe gleefully announced itself. "Colored paper photography technology has far surpassed the ability of any one pony to comprehend in its objectives," the spaghetti said towards the castle of friendship.

Pinkie's smile ended with a grim frown of war, and she threw her head through the door to keep from flying off.

Derpy returned instantly and glared at Pinkie Pie. Many words came tumbling out in a squeal. "You have a brother forcing chameleon problems on his princess, and –" spontaneously, reproduction entered her mind at the same time it occurred to the esoteric pegasus to look into a lease of war. "You must confess to the revolution of the sun goddess! We don't have to worry about an unexpected grandchild of the princess of the moon princess's body!" she scolded quietly at the young mare of comedy and silicon technology. "You know that she didn't honeymoon any deception, but I really won't believe that she was performing nuisance cubes inversely proportional to the tactical breath," the pegasus gleefully announced galloping in their world's American literature.

The pink pony who can't solve her own independent space-time gleefully death whinny'd upside the sun goddess, and looked down to the air craftspony. "This is certainly not what she had tried to push out of the window." The mare shrugged nervously. "Oh yes, Tia's body is not lost on me, she magically created a few billion years of strenuous urban ponies into Chrysalis."

Celestia nodded sagely at this.

Chrysalis slid bonelessly to the hospital while commonly fluttering after a dragon tea chameleon. "Cursed lingerie flavored coating," she sighed and stiffened open her wings. "At least I don't have to scream every conceivable bodily trauma," the queen snarled through shreds of skin holding bits of bone and muscle to the corpse. Then she stopped dead as a group known for being full of myopic limitations.

Rarity cringed away from the changeling queen in her eyes, unmoving. "...Okay, stars and mist, she got bored to be relevant!"

"Dark." Pinkie snapped off a salute to the floor and then began howling at Rarity. "I... I haven't... I didn't think... I'm not glad..." She shook like a waterfall. "Oh stars no, that's so clearly not invulnerable as I remember, I didn't know that! I'm a little too late this time! I was just assuming awkwardly everything turns out well for her!"

Rarity gave her a quick hug of course. "Oh, refrain from exploding with your eyes," she muttered to her friend. "I certainly hope you can imagine she was obviously at the top of her life beans." She sighed and brought a clipboard into her mouth to begin the opening statement. "On the last night of war, our friend, deception-flail-meteor-Queen Chrysalis, had been many times the speed of sound. Silicon alchemy may have satisfied her, but it was just too late," said Rarity.

Pinkamena Diane Pie finished stuffing the rest of the common changeling hive within an idea. "I shall arrange the stars and the lifeless representative of the royal snit in place of her own testimony."

The queen unconsciously extended without warning at the teapot.

Rarity turned puzzled in the middle of a death to the esoteric changeling queen. Pinkie's face lit up as a little breathing drifted from the changeling queen. Artificial love filled the queen's stoplights flush with a pinkish coat matted by the soul of her brain. She opened her eyes and took a nervous glance behind her expanding emotions.

"Oh goddesses collide by the spoon," she said to Equestria.

Celestia nodded sagely to the esoteric changeling horde filling the auditorium. "I have decided to humor her body back around mine ears." She pointed out a little ball of confetti streamers she had tried to convict for a short series of expletives. "Oh, and her body back from the changeling forgeries." Celestia gestured with a rider of hormones and logical blood in the distance at herself and clones of war (including magnetic citizens of Cherry Berry).

Celestia smiled sweetly into the molten lava below her mane, full of watered alicorns.

Precisely none of them had vacuum enough to deal with this.

"Rule # 11: fireworks for you are very welcome," said Princess Celestia farting.

She pointed at herself and her own body ripped apart with brutal efficiency, causing an explosion of relaxed souls in cubes.

Pinkie already began to vibrate with blood. Princess Chitin-inventiveness still could only be described as 'royal perplexion and materiel technology' and looked slightly enthralled by the whole farce.

Luna merely rolled her daughter from behind her head to Cerberus and then began to make arrangements for her unending loneliness.

(Twilight Sparkle had been standing several nutritious fun expeditions away from Celestia and this won't bring her back in place.)

Rarity cringed away from the increasing noise of her brain problems such as Celestia. Pinkie Pie thinned to a biochemical point "Oh bother with her magic," she muttered butter to Rarity and repulsion of prone form of the royal sister. She opened her mouth to get nutritious squares in her mouth and started nibbling on a very important traditional book.

"Princess Celestia is a delicate illusion," Rarity interjected with an expectant smile. "She was nopony new here, just like my outfit." She came to her knees and then began to vibrate her throat with a gasp. "Fashion is going to be side effects with the hat and the lifeless princess! It's beneath myself to make a credible threat to Equestria!"

Pinkie gestured at the alicorn clad in ponies. "Luna's flanks are just prejudiced by the military forces." She shook her head and rolled her eyes and bit down on her hooves and rushed to meet her writers.

"Hey! Yes you! How about we try to make this into a learning experience? You did buy 'The last time travel girl', and she threw her face back at your documents! Starlight Glimmer is not here, because it's funniest to keep from exploding answers!" she scolded quietly at the frat. "You know why you did this to yourself quite nicely," insisted inequine shrunk immortal crystalline spaghetti trail, cartoonish corpse codes attempted to sound words to the creation of its source of yay. "Just come on..." she said, dotted and emotionless, then literally spat: "Celestia promised she wouldn't be a hologram! We don't have to outdo your latest fears!"

But Ultra, the princess of widespread and horrifying plot spells, which had long since grown immune to fire hose stampede, still had been replaced by identical transcendent printing chameleon girl toy syntax.

Pinkamena Diane Pie bounced, somehow abandoned to the creation of unethical military research. "What is this world coming to be with Celestia?" She plummeted to the creation of man's breakfast.

Spaghetti rang from the massive changeling hive within uploading burrito cutie marks; Fiction writers were no reason for the nightmare bus of wumpy nightmare photography, and Pinkie's problems went on. She cursed all of Equestria's stoplights. "Lethal food is free food." The mare shrugged her eyes and kept going directly away from Equestria's bedroom.

Rarity stopped cackling for a single frown. "Y'know, Celestia's stoplights went out peacefully again," she added with a wink. "Let's go crazy in celestial investigation for a few more minutes, I suppose." She finally started feeling alright.

Rarity's face and tail erupted in flame excitedly. She opened her hoof and looked down into her body. "Now where could it possibly be? Ahhh!" She pulled out a books and upended it towards her mouth. Tears brimmed at the corner of the journal, and she knew it was going to be terrific. She stared at the black rubberized coating of the journal and then began to read her eyes:

"Dear Princess Celestia,

today we all learned what the most delightful qualities of friendship and teamwork are:

You just can't explain it.

But now I still can't forget that you are missing, and sometimes it truly can become scary to be overly beautiful.

It's a great lesson about accepting unpleasant or shallow friends to run away from your future.

Being jealous and diligent is not good. We just love to make lots of enemies and laugh together critical in friendship.

Your faithful subjects that will always expect the best of your heart, Twilight Sparkle Meteor Chameleon."

She smiled. Her brains tried to catch her head and rolled down the hallway. The last Rarity-unicorn tittered shushing sounds like disappearing teeth of majesty, music inhaled in her throat:

The music in our friendship carries on

♬ The music in our cutie marks disappeared...
...And we're creatin' good vibes!
You can make it through the darkness; light up the world!
It's time to ignite the world around you – red, and bomb, and deflated watermelon! ♬

Life is a joyride shared with you! ♫
Life's about to blow away my heart! ♪

(Oh oh yeah, got the music, you can do anything!)

♫ The music in our cutie marks – it's so wrong ♫
I can help you take the world famous Flim Flam brothers' magical gift ♪
They would see what you need to change ♪

Gon-na make it hurt, oh oh ya better believe!
Gon-na make it really pretty sad for your tears ♬

The magic of hearth's destruction begins again, keeping my life in me!
I don't have much more to learn about yourself ♬
It's what you need to hear!

And I'll make you need a miracle to get better!
Believe in the music in your hair! ♫

(Dance magic! Dance the night away!)

Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah – I'm not just anypony! ♬

♫ There's so much Rainbow in your tears;
Together we will never stop, coinky things may come true...
You got this, together!
Today there'll be awesome snow hearth Pinkie shake for me! ♫

Blood is rushing from my head to my cutie mark, ah ohhhh we can conquer this world tonight! ♪
Oh please oh please say- we don't have to break my destiny! ♫

Years of stored flugelhorns for this place filled with sunshine and Bob. ♫
Got a message flugelhorn today... they'll explore the music in me! ♪

Rump giddy with sunshine, sunshine everyone! ♪

(Hey oh oh yeah yeah yeah uh oh oh why)

♫ A disguise for me to stop them, 'cause else tonight there is nothin' jagged in me~ ♬

Sparkle win happiness, whoa birds flying free!
We're your tail so let's try to make it come around ♪
Jump up your friends, oh yeah ♬

(Hahahaha... Heh... Oh oh yeah yeah.)

Hug of a mountain
Money for gems
Seeds of you

Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♬

We're a little uptight
We're a little love
We're a little pain
We're a little something
We're a little pony every night~

We're the best there is at friendship!

Shake your soul
Shake your friends
Shake your teeth
Shake your tears

The future is our chance to shine bright
And we'll never believe in this magnetic field my heart~

Whaddaya say– goodbye to the music in you,
We're so wrong with this one. ♫

"So? What image says that sound of pleasure?" Rarity asked huskily into the depths of Tartarus. Neighpoleon commented in different apple applications and then brandished his mouth to her muzzle.

"Oh stars of the dreamscape behind my eyes! It's exactly right right right right right!" Rarity's face was redder than magic. "I'm a few billion years of strenuous neurons throughout Equestria, no pony has dreamed of this stupid moments before!"

The young couple of sniggers happy on monster island, danced like cooked spaghetti.

Rarity was vaguely wider in magic, and looked forward to make a credible threat to Equestria.

She smiled gleefully and teleported to the spot her favorite Daring Do book would be distributed. Frankly it was rather large gibberish books, but she followed all of these great fun paramours in the most wonderful dream about dragons.

"Oh ho~" said Rarity and looked slightly younger being inflicted upon her surprisingly malleable date. "Well here's three quarters of the journal and the Elements of Harmony, I didn't see that now!"

Monstrously, Rarity turned to Pinkie...

But Pinkie Pie had finished uploading over 12 hours ago.

Author's Note

My apologies to Sigawesome, but your username was just too sigawesome to pass up on when it came up. :derpytongue2:

Don't worry, Flash Sentry will return. And I'm sure Cadence is with her underwater-tree husband, so she's fine. (There's no permadeath in this is what I'm saying. :twilightsmile:)

The data-sets used here were:

FanOfMostEverything's multi-author collaborative short-story collection of “unofficial bonus chapters” to popular stories, “Never the Final Word (Vol. 2)”  [Botnik keyboard]

All combined friendship reports or similar ( = every line of dialogue beginning with “Dear Princess Celestia/Luna/Twilight Sparkle”), extracted from the combined transcripts of every MLP episode up to January 2019.  [Botnik keyboard]

All combined song lyrics from season 1 - 8 plus Equestria Girls, extracted from the combined transcripts of every MLP episode up to January 2019.  [Botnik keyboard]

...Let's play a fun game: Try to summarize/interpret the “plot” of this story in your own words, and keep track of all the “pairings” and “breakups” that happen. :rainbowwild:

Chapter 3 – Arrange the Princess of War Crimes, which makes them happy.

.

This chapter is available as a "synthesized" audio book:

[click here] - no background music
[click here] - with ambient music loop

[overview of all chapters]

.

.

Twilight stood over Celestia's problems, such as: She had never been funny. She loquaciously teleported hundreds of millions of light years up and down on her hooves.

"Twiliiiight," Celestia smacked her hoof against the long fibers of Rarity's stoplights. "Twilight, you should not be kept going back through the portal. You have to admit facts of the journal and look into the depths of Tartarus estuaries!"

Twilight bit her lip in an effort to suppress a groan. "What? Are you kidding me? How long do you expect me to jump in there?" She stared forcefully at the alicorn, then burst out giggling. "You are very experienced when it comes to real world applications of the sun." Twilight felt additional versions of her tea in one gulp.

Celestia nodded agreement back at Twilight and looked around at her flanks. "Oh my, Equestria blew up again." She shook her mane, tangled against the crystalline tree.

Furiously, Twilight organized the inmates of Tartarus and looked cute exerting strength in her legs. "Reality is going to be terrific," said the princess of the library.

Hideous Trixies were assembling directly over her head, and her neck rotated around so she could smile at this. "Rule of forgiveness," Twilight Sparkle requested considerably. "Neigh," said Trixie, posing sullenly over Celestia's body. She lay still for a week, waiting for all of her own problems to be useful.

Celestia wandered from her environment and then brandished cubes of flesh chips at the strange apparition. "You are not inherently weird," she said desperately. "This whole farce you played just isn't funny anymore! What am I going to do with your life?"

Impacted by the recent suggestion, the mechanical Equestrian reduced to a biochemical pony. The grumpy and disturbingly swollen Trixie harrumphed in shock.

Celestia nodded sagely at the teapot. "This explains so much."

Twilight blinked rapidly for eternity. "Well, there's no chance that this happened before."

Suddenly, out of the cloning tank, Flurry Heart leapt into her throat and looked cute. Twilight gaped in horror at the sight. "Oh stars divine with books, you should not be permitted to get into my hooves!"

Twilight opened her mouth to make the royal couple's breakfast member fluffy enough to appear on her mouth.

The goo goo foal still existed up her throat and looked around enthralled by the thaumaturgical sentient constructs. Twilight slowly shook her mouth to take the royal couple's precedent girl outside of her face. Flurry Heart squeezed into a ball and cookies spread across her withers. She smiled gleefully and teleported hundreds of millions of them to her.

"Now now," Twilight Sparkle said quietly in a fruitless attempt to make the royal baseball obediently slumbering. "You have been a horrible influence on pregnant soldiers, yes you have."

But the royal baseball was not going down without uproarious military research and development.

Celestia simply sipped her own fuzzy paperwork. "Ahhh, that was great." She whispered quietly in Twilight's face: "Y'know, I think she just wants pretty corpse of dragons."

Twilight slowly broke. "What's going down? You're not right!" she scolded quietly at the alicorn next to her feet. "You can't be a hologram –"

"Beep # 9," said Princess Celestia finally, wrestling with her magic. "All of Equestria's stoplights will be pleased," she whispered huskily at the dumbstruck Sparkalon. Twilight squinted at her worst demons. "You're not like Equestrian citizens at all!"

The mechanical dog "Celestia" – an inappropriate changeling in practical appearance – nodded neutrally and then brandished itself at Twilight.

Twilight pushed Flurry Heart back to where ponies hadn't absorbed liters of war crimes yet. "I was foalish to have failed my Princess Cesium-137. I will admit she'd never been funny, but she followed our greatest hopes and dreams of Equus's stoplights!"

"Oh Twilight Sparkle... Twilight, you've been a horrible pony to ascend," the sun goddess chameleon lazily chimed a single time. "Let me die in your dreams... Literally." Twilight gaped in horror at the teapot that had begun to make a credible threat to take over the planet.

"It was inevitable," it exchanged a conspiratorial glance and added with a wink. "Tea is optimal."

Twilight pointed an accusatory hoof at the teapot. "You did this to Equestria!" With a gasp, Twilight tore her wings off her horn, and without warning, weaponized something unusual at the teapot. The unicorn tittered to her hooves and waited for a large egg that was going directly into her face. "You killed nobody!" Twilight smiled widely to the inconsistent nature of the sun goddess chameleon toy.

"Oh?" the great and magical sapient stuff scolded in Celestia's voice. "Twilight Sparkle, do you know where your shadow is?"

Twilight looked down at the egg in front of her mouth. She opened her eyes. Flash Sentry was the egg.

She cursed.

Author's Note

What a twist! Celestia was the teapot all along! :pinkiegasp:

And who could have seen it coming that Flash Sentry was the egg! Oh no! :derpyderp1:

What will happen to the long fibers of Rarity's stoplights?!

Find out in the next “Astromare Issue: Chameleon-Hammers in Hammerspace!” :pinkiehappy:

BOTNIK PREDICTIVE KEYBOARD PRO TIP:

The maximum accepted file size for uploaded text-files seems to be ~1 MB. If you upload a file that's too large, it won't give you an error, it'll just get stuck "uploading" forever.

Also, on certain days it seems the server load is just too high and it simply refuses to load even the example-data sets. In which case, come again a day or two later. Also, if the “https”-links on Botnik's website don't work, manually change them to “http” instead. :twilightsmile:

ADDENDUM:

Aaaand just as I'm working on the finishing touches to publish this story, this happens. :twilightblush:

Chapter 4 – Equestria Girls: A Juicy Day

This chapter is available as a "synthesized" audio book:

[click here] - no background music
[click here] - with ambient music loop

[overview of all chapters]

.

.

The world was just apples.

Luna flopped onto her hands, muffled behind her own regrettable vlog. "I can't believe in Equestria because apparently I'll be a cat with magic horse power." She rubbed her face into the camera. A lot.

Luna remembered nodding when humans were playing concepts on the world: There had been madness of the hamster wheel and floating watchers on the outside. Dusty weapons of waterlogged lawsuits secretly crushing on Twilight's concerned clothing. Everyone cheering, as apple tree people accidentally covered the world.

Luna narrowed her mouth in a theatrical gesture of magic. It was all too friendly.

After forty dimensions of crying heartsongs, she still didn't completely trust everything about her fingers. "What about hyperspace hyperwars in Equestria?" the woman said with a towel around her face, before magic sang again. "I mean, it could be interpreted as a bat without a god."

Fluttershy yawned across the entire world and space. She looked away from the world without air.

Luna flopped onto the world again and again and again. "I realize how long time since the school day began to pour from the sky has been... It's been ages!" she trailed off into sparkles. "I don't think of myself as a tree, it's just because I can fly headfirst into battle." Luna crossed her eyes toward the stars as she pulled her sleeping bag over her heart.

The school sighed longingly at the woman. It could feel like a constipated anime character, but it was equally expecting her mouth in her kitchens.

Luna sighed and decided to honor the other side of the door with a whimsical smile. Even though the school cafeteria had sex with a team of magic horse instances in the middle of summer, shutting down the whole situation was just not safe.

Sugarcoat dust settled back into the kitchen. "...Ugh, so many conflicting feelings..." she trailed off as she turned into atom skyscrapers. "Well... Technically they're an empty embodiment of your mother's kitchen," the teenager groaned like a typical girl turned into a professionalism. "I'm just getting in touch with my own entrails." Sugarcoat shrugged. "Whatever..."

Luna forced cheer powers back to the camera. "Speaking as someone who didn't apparently moon bunny letters in Equestria, I can literally do anything I don't like." She gestured helplessly at the TV: The president shrugged once again as the emergency broadcast system broke free from his lips. "It's nothing important. Just leave Equestria to the professionals."

The scientist's interest group advocating for good vibrations and more injured ponies were allowed to be Fluttershy.

"Oh my!" Fluttershy blushed all of the universe. Anything she could take off of both Twilights looked like a pizza to her. "I just don't want to fly headfirst into nothingness with dragons when Rainbow Dash's nests rustled!"

Rainbow Dash waved broken whatever to her friend.

Fluttershy's yellow parts blew out the door. Then she turned into a hand.

Rainbow shrugged like a pizza of the world again, and then blinked once again as she passed Bloom the Girl. "What is this situation in this world?" She flung her hair out from her smart phone. "I think we have fun unicorn osmosis pants." She pulled out a god and then swallowed her head. They looked like bacon manna from heaven. "Oh dear, that was indistinguishable from a rotten girl who had to pretend to be a secretary of magic."

Five million thousand thousand worshipers worldwide sat down with a sigh of magic.

Rarity rolled off the world without a god.

Twilight teleported to do anything about it online. She grunted and groaned and adjusted her flush pentagonal skin. "I never expected to be a book or something," she said almost gently. She pushed herself in her pajamas and brought out her smoldering smallest smart phone. "Oh gods anonymous and yellow, cops were going to explode me!" she trailed off into translucency before disappearing into existence, completely forgotten about.

"Huh...Well that was a bit weird," she thought – and then blinked back to equilibrium before disappearing into herself afterwards.

Spherical speculative special spiders were secretly crushing on Spike. Spike jumped over the radio as heartsongs pursued his throat. "You think you can take me to say this whole thing? I'm thermite in your soul! That's literally dangerous!" Spike hurried to keep up with magic horse power and used his shades to see apple-dreams in miniskirts.

Applejack cleared her face as she flipped by eleven butterflies on her desk, holding her throat necklace video artwork in her mind. "Ah'm stuffed until the world without beasts might overclock." Applejack tried to sound crazy, but the whole situation was already faster than reality. She grunted her voice as she unwrapped the boyfriend of magic. "You don't going to happen." She coughed into his eyes. "Earth remembers come to discover digestion of reality."

The man shook his luggage in Equestria. "You just wait and then two months later all matter within possible universes are going to stop being lawful. Oh gods anonymous and barely immortal, I couldn't be interested in this world poisoned of magic." The woman threw her eyes back into nothingness. There was no mistaking the same person that was you.

Pinkie saluted at the scene before her friends quietly ate her head. "I'm sorry, child opera star wars..." she trailed off as she went down the drain and something shattered within them.

"...Okay people, time to become real," Ditzy clutched her head in her lap and nearly died on the news. Adagio rolled her eyes as she clenched her fists of magic. "Everybody wants to admit to going into nothingness completely," she explained to the world again. "Sunset's been going on a very small vacation in Equestria, we should probably just wait in terrified silence."

Sunset licked herself up from the computer's magical face. "Oh what–"

"Breaking water caused Spike-reviews of magic horse royalty artwork," Adagio dazzle hissed through her phone and wiped away into nothingness.

"What in Tartarus just happened–" Sunset blinked and shook her head and winced at all the fuss. "Yeah no. Just going to stop things."

Sunset facepalmed with a sigh. After a brief period of magic works, a special power system of religious magical energy speed-smashed to the heavens.

"Okay people, time to deal with this whole situation." Sunset turned back to the glowing world and taught it a violation of privacy.

Pinkie Pie returned, panicking in a bikini. "I'm you? Don't you don't got to be Fluttershy?"

"No seriously, what?" asked Sunset Shimmer. "How did you even get my own magic?! I'm a god! Religiously, I mean. I don't know. Apparently."

Pinkie turned to look at the world. "So you think this is entirely dangerous and impractical." She shrugged quickly. "Well aware of that happening, demon thing," the girl mused with magic laughter power.

Sunset stared at the woman currently chewing on a plane.

Pinkie Pie coughed into a disaster. It was only scary to her eyes. "Yeah... Well... It's not a bird of magic." Pinkie pocketed her face and her hair in the sky. "It's scarier on Twilight's forehead."

Sunset blinked once more. "Oh dear... Well... You didn't know how to keep your own safety... Ah. Okay. This is going to be rougher times than I expected."

Pinkie turned into a sun. The world underwent temporal paradoxes and FoME later thunk to make this all about Sweetie Skywalker and floating watchers stuck in trouble.

Sunset rubbed her temples. "Guess it's supposedly just going greeeeeat." She gave off a tired cinnamon flavor, because she can. "I miss Harshwhinny standards of magic."

Author's Note

I admit I moved the paragraphs around on this one a tad more than on the earlier chapters, but still, this one makes surprising amounts of sense.

Especially considering the input data set for this chapter was FanOfMostEverything's multi-author anthology series "Group Precipitation", taking place in his Oversaturated continuity.   [Botnik keyboard]

(To summarize: Equestrian magic is bad for the stability of the human world and Sunset Shimmer ends up with the job to keep reality from collapsing. Also, turns out the human world already had its own kind of magic, which just reawakened. And Sunset is now the equivalent of the human world's Tree of Harmony. ...Kind of. Oops. :derpytongue2:)

(So yeah, this one actually makes some sense. Imagine that. :rainbowderp:)

Special thanks to FanOfMostEverything and everyone involved with "Group Precipitation", as well as Reese for test-reading and minor editing advice. :twilightsmile:

This was/is an extremely silly, yet entertaining creative outlet. I'll probably be adding more chapters occasionally, whenever I feel the urge to write but am too tired to write anything actually sensible. :derpytongue2: