This sentence is a lie.

by Artuynh

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Mayor Mare, Lyra, Changelings, Original Character, Second Person, Comedy, Tragedy, Profanity, Random, Princess Celestia, Human
Length: 3579

A story about a mentaly unstable person that watches MLP and Equestria.

The story of Carl Carlson Carlson The Seventh and how he one day woke up in Equestria as a foal(Half pony half changeling) and an orphan. And his decent into madness for geting the even worse than his original name Annony Mare.(Even though he is a colt)

Follow along as he uses his foreknoleadge and modern knoleadge to atempts to impliment a masterplan that will create a glorious 300TB net conection with a seemles MMO VR all payed for by the countries of Equis under treat of compleate global annihilation.

Also random shenanigans until that works out or falls apart in a burning glory.

Published 2019-03-03 23:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-03-04 11:26:43 UTC

Ordinary foalhood

Author's Note

OK so upfront I intend to have some storyline. And a lot of random.

And spoiler alert!!!
I am writeing this after re-watching Fight Club

Ordinary foalhood

...The 10th birthday...Anony Mare A.K.A. Lyra

"Where the buck did I go wrong?" I asked myself as I prepared to sleep on the park bench after having the orphanage literally throw me out at 10 years. Why? Thats what I want to know!

Who would have guessed that my second life would be even worse than my first.Then again I suppose my new name should have given me a hint. And the constant bullshit of the magic didn't help any.

...10 years ago royal hospital of Canterlot castlle...

I was asleap in my bed in France when I suddenly felt like I was drowning. I started to struggle in search for air and my efforts were rewarded but then a searing pain to my but greated me.

Surprised I screamed and try to get away only to realize that something was wrong. I was blind.

A few weeks later I learned I was a foal. I had been reborn in the MLP universe which whille it did give me a fresh start drove me crazzy as I believed I had overdosed on some drug or another and am currently suffocating in my own vomit.

However my foal body that couldn't stay awake more than a few minutes at a time forced me to come to terms with my new life.

It was one year later I learned that I was an orphan my father either dead or missing and my mother havind died during child birth.

Now you might say well at least it can't get any worse right? WRONG!

My mother named me before I was born she named me Anony Mare. It isn't even a good word play and I would of cource get bullied for it but I could accept it. After all my human name was Carl Carlson Carlson the seventh which is to say I was the sevent sad sob to carry that name in a row.It was a familly tradition of taking out your anger on your kids.

But back to the name Anony Mare. As you may have noticed it has Mare in it. Which isn't so bad until you realize that I was a unicorn colt and thanks to some asanine law I can't change it until I turn 18. There was an exception that a blood relative can change it for me but as you might recall I was an orphan and as such had no such relative.

...over the past 10 years

Anyways I learned a few rules over the years:
1.This world works on some bullshit rules and it hates me. Example my name.

Regardless of what I do I don't stand out. I thought my math teacher math and got a B at the end of the year I was also the worst at P.E. got a B. In fact if you take any subject of any year I would aways score the middle of the class.

3.I was born 22 years before ep 1 of MLP.(Not really a rule but still good to know.)

4.There are no video games,computers or internet.(And if it's the last thing I do I will change that.)

5.My basic understanding of molecules and other such things like gravity give me a massive advantige in casting magic as magic requires consentration and understanding.(Naturally this was ignored due to rule 2 but it's still usefull.)

6.I will live in the orphanage untill I am 18 as whenever someone comes to adopt I am not noticed due to rule 2.

7.Disregard rule 6 due to rule 1. Example when I turned 10 my documents burned in a mysterious fire and all the orphanage staff somehow forgot who I was and kicked me out without even leting me get my things.(Which were admmitedly only a single rubber ball I found when I was 4 but still its the principal.)

8.Buck everything I will survive, I will get an audiance with Celetia and I will make her create better internet than my old world with better gaming systems and better games.

9.Pony hoves work by magic friction meaning they can essnetialy superglue something to their hoof one moment and drop it like a slipery bar of soap the next.(And yes since it's magic it requires concentration.)

... The next day...

I awoke determined to make some bits so I dont starve to death and maybe in time save enough to pay for an audiance with Celestia or sneak my way in. Once I meet with her I can blow her mind with my knoleadge of basic physics get rich and get a team of ponies who actually know what they are doing to make a computer.(I may have been a bit out of it when I made the plan but I needed a goal to strive for or I would fall in depression.)

...some time later

So remember how I said I was 10. Well funny thing about that nopony wants to hire you on a full salary and when you tell ponies how to improve their sales or calculate and file their taxes for them to prove you are capable they look at you like you don't know what you are doing smille pat you on the head then give you 10 bits and push you out telling you to go drink a milkshake.

Still made 100 bits and a milkshakeand a donut to go .(Pony Joe's chocolate milkshakes are Awesome) But I am being seriously underpaid and I know for a fact that even if I did this for all of Canterlot I won't survive for more than a few months.

Naturally an audiance costs 200 bits so I decided to just sneak in tommorow and hope that the guards are as bad as they were in the show.

...The next next day
I woke up with the sun becouse I sleep on a park bench and the sun is an Evil lazer bent on destroying my eyes and dreams.

Anyways I managed to just walk past the guards and reach the door to the throneroom. Now I only had to time it so I went in with one of the 50 or so ponies that were waiting in line without either the ponie or the 10 or so guards that were collecting admision notice me.

Then suddenly I saw Mayor Mare(A younger version of her anyways) arguing with the guards at the door that she is 50 bits short due to buying more souveniers on her way to the castle but she absolutely had to see Celestia as pony lives were potentialy on the line. And the guard standing oblivious and expecting the remaining 50 bits.(I think the guards are either deaf or haven't had their coffe yet.)

I rush to her bumping into a few ponies all the whille thinking that Rule 1 might not be true after all or at least it apears to have some exceptions.

"Are you even listening to me? I said I need to see the princess. Pony lives are in danger here." Mayor Mare said for the tird time as I got near.

"It costs 200 bits for an audiance Ma'am.If I let you in for 150 I will have to let everpony else in line and then I might get fired for it. now either give me the bits or step away so that other ponies may enter." The guard said in a monotone.

"Mom here are the 100 bits you gave me forsightseeing.I know you said I should go see the waterfalls or the parks but since we are in Canterlot I thought this might be my one chance to see the Princess.I'll hardly make a soud mom I promise so can I go in with you? Can I? Can I? Can I?" I said compleatly ignoring Mayor's shocked expresion from when I called her mom as I took her bit pouch and added the remaining 50 bits from my own. Then before either the guard or Mayor knew what was happening I made my way inside with Mayor following in a daze.

1. The compleatly sane princess

...7 30 AM in the Throne room...Tia PoV

I am a princess not a prizoner. This 30x10 room is my throneroom not my jail cell. My ponies bring me important petitions not just requests to lower the taxes for the nobles.My sister will soon come and we will be friends again and the elements will work again.

"Next" I shout exectin the next distraction from my thoughts. But it doesn't come. Nopony comes in. Was it all in my mind? Was I a tyrant? Am I in tartarus imagining I am a princess? No snap out of it. Everything is okay. No it's not. It's not but it will be. It has to be. I just need to open the door and see what the hold up is all about.

As I get up to open the door it opens on its own and in walks an aged mare. But I am in the middle of the room and not on my prison chair. Oh no she will think I am incompetent. My ponies will rebel and tousands will die. I can't let this happen I need to kill her to protect my ponies. I am sorry random mare but like my sister you will have to pay for my mistake.

"Your magesty my name is Mayor Mare." She bowed. She bowed that means she still respects me as a leader.There will be no rebelion. I don't have to stain my hoofs with the blood of my litlle ponies.No wait I need to focus she came here with a problem and I must help her.

"And you can call me Carl." The old mare spoke again with a different voice. And she gave a different name.Is she mad? Is this the problem? I can fix this. No wait listen first act later. She was willing to die for your mistakes.Oh no she is looking at me funny. Did I stay quiet too long? Did I do something wrong?

"Um... That is to say my name is Lyra Heartstrings but my friends call me Carl. Yes that's it Ha Ha."She is laughing that is good. I can work with that.

"Ha Ha Ha very charming so what brings you here today Mayor Mare and Lyra Hearthsrings?" She is looking funny again. Does she think I can't help her? Is it becouse I aknoleadged both personalities.

"Um We are not actually together." The old voice so that means the one named Mare.

"That is to say I am here so you can make me her foal. Aperantly the orphanage papers got burned and now I have nowhere to sleep and I can't make bits as nopony will hire a 10 year old foal on a full time job.Look I know this is abuse of power and I am not asking you to do it for nothing. If you make her my mom I will help you." What? She wants me to make her her own foal and the young voice believes she is a 10 year old foal. Was this mare homeless since she was 10? How did I fail her so much?

"What? Your majesty you can't do this I am Ponyvile's mayor and the only reason I came here is to ask for more wheather pegasai and more wheather budget as there isn't enough pony power to deal with the Everfree's wild whether. I can sypathise with this young foal but I am nowhere near a good parent or mentor figure.I mean I spent my monthly salary on souvenier trinkets and dont even have the bits to take the train back to Ponivile for pony sake." And now it's the old one and she is rejecting the young one. This is bad if they fight they might destroy each other. I need to do something.

"So here is a litlle demonstration of what I can help you with your majesty in exchange for making Mayor Mare my mom.Curently a lot of ponies either don't pay their taxes and farmers require loans at the start of each planting season.You can fix all of this if you remove the flat taxation that becomes less the richer you are and replacing it with a 10% tax for all and make exemptions from tax if there is a bad harvest." Wait I am suposed to help this mare. Wait did she just make up a better tax law than the curent one on a whim? Wasn't it the young voice that just spoke? Is a suposedly 10 year old foal a better law maker than the council of nobles? I need her help she can fix everything. I just need to convince her other half to accept her as a foal.Okay this sounds wierd even in my mind. She is looking at me expectedly again.

"Uh um Well Mayor Mare I do believe that Lyra here has demonstrated she can help you with your spending habits and useing her sugestion I can immedietly send more bits to help with recruiting more wheather ponies.I know its a lot to ask but its only do to Lyra that I can help you so please be her mother." She is looking at me with uncertainty. Did I fail? Is she battleing with herself? Tikn Tia tink I need to make Mare except Lyra.

"Uh of cource I will naturally give you a subsidy for raising Lyra. And and naturally when she is 12 Lyra is invited to Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. I mean she has already proven her math is wordy of it. So what do you say Mayor Mare? Wont you find it in your hearth to help young Lyra here have a warm loving home?"Her eyes are geting big and she is smilling. Is she having a heart attack?

"Ok Lyra I mean daughter. But I expect you to be a good foal and not cause too much trouble for me." It worked. Tia you've done it again. You are still the best leader.

"Yes Yes Yes Yess....." Oook she left whille shouting yes and jumping circles. I need to find out more about this mare if I am going to have her redo the law system.

"Talking pilar find out everything about that strange mare." Yes that should do it.

"Yes your majesty." Ha everypony underestimates the knoleadge gathering of talking pilars but that are a wise and mysterious race that has suported me from the shadows for years. Now its time for the next petition.

...8 30 PM

Uh finally the last pony has left

"Your majesty here is the information you ordered this morning." The talking pilars have done it again and I didn't even see him move all day. One of these days I will learn you mysterious ways talking pilar race I swear it!

"Ok lets see." Age 10. Wait so that old mare was actually 10? No there must be a reason I just need to read this. The talking pilars have never failed me before. Pony-Changeling hybrid. Ah here it is. Daughter of Spy Glass after she was raped after failing to infiltrate the changeling lands. Given name Anony Mare Although she strongly dislikes it. She is shy and does not like standing out to the point she turned into her schoolmates and teachers to ensure she was in the exact midlle of the class in each of her classes. She is really good in math having impersonated her math teacher for the past 5 years and her class has continuesly beaten CSFGU in math competitions useing unknown math formulas to calculate faster.

Ok this is great Mayor Mare, Carl or Lyra Hearthstrings or even Anony Mare is the key to fixing everything. She claimed to be the mayor of Ponivile I just need to make it so she is and give her the right to make or remove laws there then I will just copy what she does. And then I will only need to figure out how to make the elements work and how to make Luna forgive me for making her pay for my mistakes. But now sleep.

Author's Note

If you haven't figured it out I am making all the charecters crazy and also unaware of their madness.

2.The best mother/politician ever

...8 AM...Mayor Mare PoV

"Yes. Yes Yes..." Ok Mare be calm like a Raging Huricane Yeah. No wait be the eye of the huricane thats what that young sports pony told me. Buck I don't even get these pegasai sayings. I am just a Mayor of a small vilige. I don't know how to deal with foals. And she is a unicorn what if she caches a cold and burns down the town with magic sneazes...

...Some time later

"Hey mom. Hellooo earth to new mom." Did she just boop me? Wait are we in a park? How did we get here?

"Aaa uh ... sorry that is to say I didn't quite hear what you said. Lyra was it?"Safe totally nailed that reply.

"You can call me Carl mom.And I said that we can head home now I got my blanket see.I've had it since I can remember." Carl? is that rag a blanket? I can't let this go on or she will destroy my public image and the elections are just a few months away.Okay I can fix this I just need to mare up and be strict. Parents are strict with their foals sometimes right? Right.

"Lyra Hearthstrings you are now my daughter and no daughter of mine is going to reply to a crass nickname like Carl or use are raged blanket. From now on you will present yourself as Lyra Hearthstrings and noting else and once we reach Ponivile I am taking you shoping so we can get you a new blanket as well as mane and tail brushes that you will use dayly. Am I understood young lady?" Oh no was I too strict? Why is she looking at me with tearing eyes? Ok plan B.Plan B." Uhm if you are a good foal I will let you have a cookie. Every night. But only after you've eaten your dinner." She is still going to cry. What else does she want? "Um you can also keep that blanket. In a box. After you wash it with soap.Deal?" Did it work?

"Moom you are the best mom ever." Ok she is crying but also hugging me. I think she is happy.Yeah I did a good job. I am an awesome peran.Why was I so worried before I will be the gratest perant and the best Mayor. Parenting is easy anyways.

"Ok Lyra.Ok now calm down and take your ..uh blanket and hop on my back to rest. We have a long day ahead and I don't want you to be left tired from the 3 hour hoof trip to Ponivile.So just hop on my back and rest and when you wake up we'll be in your new home and after that we can go shoping." She is such an obidient child maybe this won't be so bad.

...1 PM Ponivile... Lyra PoV

Ok so the plan could have gone better but I still got a parent and I still showed my worth to Celestia I even got a promise to atend CSFGU in 2 years. Still who would have thought that Mayor Mare was so emotional. I mean she practicaly begged Celetia to adopt me whille crying. And she even gave me a new name Lyra String. Oh god I am Lyra, well a male version of Lyra.

I can work with this I just need to make sure mom stays in power and feed her my human ideas in a way she believes they are her ideas.Then when there are any extra funds I can redirect them to Doctor Whooves or Time Turner to research computers. He is a timelord probably. He should be able to create computers and internet right?

Yes I am one step closer to having computers and online gaming. I just need to make sure mom stays in power.Heh. Mom I can't believe I have one again. It actually feels kind of nice.

"Lyra are you awake? I let you sleep on the bed but if you are up we need to go shoping for your necesities and dinner." Well guess its time I saw Ponivile in pony for the first time.

Author's Note

In case you are wondering yes Lyra believes she is male and that Mayor Mare begged her to be her son whille Mayor Mare believes Lyra was the one who begged her to be her mom

I know its a short chapter full of exposition but that is going to be a thing untill I introduce all the charecter's mental states and can then proceed to meke it a story with descriptions of the enviourment and a lot more dialogue and action

For sake of timeline the mane 6 are 2 years younger than MC and sonic boom hapens when Lyra turns 12 so RD FS TS and PP are not yet in Ponivile