Hypothetical

by Exuno

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Bon-Bon
Length: 1073

A conversation about nothing.

Lyra and Bon Bon have an ordinary conversation.

Published 2012-08-08 03:04:12 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-08 03:04:12 UTC

Hypothetical

“Hey, Bon Bon?”

“What, Lyra?”

“Do you ever wonder if—”

“No, Lyra. I don’t wonder if humans exist.
“Except when you ask me. Which is pretty often. So, I guess I do. But not on purpose.”

“That’s not what I was going to say!”

“Well then, what were you going to ask?”

“I’m not sure I want to tell you now. Hmph.”

“Aww, Lyra, don’t be like that. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

“I wanted to know if you ever thought about having superpowers.”

“...What?”

“Y’know, superpowers! Like, super-strength, super-speed, regeneration, shapeshifting, telepathy, telekinesis—”

“Can’t you already do that?”

“—teleportation, shooting lasers, pyrokinesis, time travel, x-ray vision—”

“I get the point!”

“So, what kind of superpower would you have?”

“Oh, what, we’re only supposed to pick one?”

“Yeah! That’s how the question goes.”

“Well then. Mmmmm. I think I’d have to pick flight.”

“Haha! Flight? Really? That has to be the most boring answer. Any pegasus can fly.”

“Well, I’m not a pegasus! And I think it would be wonderful, flying away without a care in the world, resting on the clouds, going wherever the wind takes me. You know, I rode in a hot air balloon once, and being able to see—”

“Boooring.”

“Lyra! You wouldn’t understand, you’re a unicorn. You can already do half the things you listed if you go look up a spell somewhere. Besides, I’m still jealous you got to go on that business trip to Cloudsdale without me.

“So, what kind of ability would you pick, Miss Exciting?”

“The power to travel to other dimensions!”

“Let me guess: to meet a human.”

“No!
“Okay, yes. But there’s a lot of other cool things you could do with it. Like, imagine a universe where Celestia was the one sealed away for the past thousand years. Or one where every mare in our universe is a stallion, and vice versa.”

“Both of those sound terrible and hackneyed.”

“You’re just afraid to imagine me as a colt, because I’d be so handsome it would blow– your– mind.”

“Sssssure. Let’s go with that. Anyway, this is a dumb question. There’s no way we’d ever end up with superpowers. How about...
“If you were stuck on a deserted island and could only take one thing, what would it be?”

“A mea—”

“You can’t say ‘a means of contacting rescue’.”

“Darn. Well... if there’s one thing in the whole world I’d hate to be stuck without, it’d be you, Bons.”

“Aww. That’s sweet. But no ponies, either.”

“What? Okay, fine. My lyre, then. It’s not on my butt for nothing. What kind of an answer do you have?”

“A tomato.”

“A tomato? Everything in the world, and you’d take that? Why would you possibly pick a tomato?”

“Well, they’re fruits, so they have plenty of seeds in them. And they don’t take much to grow, both in time and conditions. If you’re going to be stuck on an island for who knows how long, you need something to eat. And it should be something tasty!”

“God, Bon Bon. You’re always so practical. These questions are supposed to be about coming up with fun ideas.”

“Well, excuse me for being concerned with real problems. I thought it was rather clever, myself. Besides, you of all ponies need somepony practical around. If it weren’t for me, you’d never get anything done.”

“That’s not true! Without you, I would have– no, wait... I still could have g– no, not that, either. Well, I at least didn’t need you to win that rock-paper-scissors tournament!”

“Really? That’s the best you’ve got? A foal’s game based on luck?”

“Hey, RPS championships are serious business! There’s layers and layers of metagame.”

“...”

“Fiiiine, I admit it. I never would have accomplished anything in my life without you pushing me towards it.”

“Good.”

“...”

“...”

“Now what?”

“I don’t know.”

“We could make out.”

“Lyra!”

“What? It was just a suggestion. Do you have any better ideas?”

“We’re not going to make out just because there’s a lull in the conversation. That’s not how romance works.”

“Hah, like you have any idea how romance works.”

“What? I’m perfectly romantic! What makes you say otherwise?”

“Well, you just turned down make outs.”

“...”

“Okay, fine, bad example. But think back. How long has it been since you’ve done anything romantic?”

“There was Hearts and Hooves day.”

“You’re a confectioner. You make chocolates every day. It doesn’t count as romantic anymore.”

“But–! ...I guess you’re right. Well, before then, there was... There was...
“Oh, wow, I am kind of a fuddy-duddy, aren’t I.”

“You just said ‘fuddy-duddy’.”

“Point taken. But what makes you so well versed in the art of romance?”

“Well, I may not look it, but back in my Canterlot days, I was a regular Casaneighva. Every night, I’d be out on the town, wooing another beautiful lover.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Not buying it?”

“Nope.”

“Worth a shot.”

“I just can’t imagine the kind of poor sap who would fall for a dork like you.”

“And, what, you consider yourself a prime catch?”

“Hmm. A gorgeous, practical young mare, with a secure, well paying job as an amazing maker of candy. Owns her own home, which she magnanimously provides residence to her lout of a companion, who has personally admitted they would never survive without her help.
“Yes, that sounds about right for ‘perfect marefriend’.”

“Bon Bon?”

“Yes?”

“I hate it when you do that.”

“I know.”

“So if you’re so great, what makes me just a dork? I’m an accomplished lyrist, who’s played all across Equestria! I’m smoking hot, I’m probably the world’s foremost expert on humans, and I make a mean tulip sandwich. And I’m the official Ponyville Rock-Paper-Scissors Champion, two years running. I have a trophy.”

“You just cited your expertise on a fictional species as a plus. You’re a dork.”

“What? No, it still totally counts. It makes me intriguing. Eccentric. Even, I dare say, Genius?”

“Oh, please. Mentioning that on a first date would scare off anypony with a lick of sense in their head.”

“Maybe I just need to find a pony without any sense, then. Any ideas?”

“Hmm. There might be a certain somepony that springs to mind.”

“Bon Bon?”

“Yes?”

“Why are we talking about this while an army of changelings destroys Canterlot?”

“Well, have you thought of a way out of this cocoon yet?”

“No. Have you?”

“No.”

“...”

“Keep talking?”

“Sure.”