In Silent Prison

by Inky Scrolls

Rating: everyone
Tags: Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Slice of Life, Autumn Blaze
Length: 4967

At Applejack's behest, Autumn Blaze pays a visit to a psychiatrist.

"I was stuck in silent prison with the voices in my head." When she thinks back to the song Autumn Blaze sang the first time they met, Applejack can't help but wonder if there's something the friendly Kirin isn't telling her.

Published 2019-03-05 22:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-03-07 12:55:31 UTC

The Whirlwind Arrives

Spring! Despite her name, Spring was Autumn Blaze's favourite season. So much colour, so many growing things, so many new friends to talk to! Every budding daffodil, blossoming cherry tree or babbling brook was something new to enjoy, and now that she had other ponies to share it with after so many years, Autumn meant to make the most of it.

So when Applejack sent her a letter asking if she'd be free to come and stay for a while, Autumn jumped at the chance. What could be better than spending time with her newest, most bestest pony friend?

Without bothering to pack, with barely a brief farewell, and calling her goodbyes wildly over her shoulder as she galloped from the Kirin village, Autumn Blaze hurried as fast as she could to Ponyville, too excited even to grumble at the lateness of the train. After many long hours of travelling, and having caused a minor kerfuffle while changing trains in Canterlot when she accidentally made off with somepony else's umbrella, Autumn Blaze finally arrived at the simple whistlestop that was Ponyville's railway station.

Bouncing up and down with a mixture of impatience and anticipation, she flung herself at Applejack as soon as the two ponies spotted each other on the platform; while the farm pony was still reeling from the collision she cried, "Applejack! It's so good to see you again! How are you? How are your family? How is Fluttershy? Isn't Spring just wonderful?"

Blinking in surprise, Applejack smiled warmly in return; never had she known another pony so like Pinkie Pie. "Ah'm very well, thank you Autumn! It's lovely to see you again too. And Fluttershy's doing just fi-" She broke off as her friend leant in for a bear hug, wincing as she felt her ribs groan under the pressure.

After the hug-attack subsided, and Autumn seemed to have calmed down a little, Applejack realised there didn't appear to be any luggage lying on the platform. "Say, Autumn, have you left your luggage on the train?"

Eyes widening for a moment in horror before the memory of her journey kicked in, the Kirin gave a self-conscious giggle. "Oh, I didn't bring anything! I was just so excited when I got your letter than I just had to leave right away, and I forgot all about bringing anything with me!"

Applejack voiced her concern at the lack of any spare clothes, toiletries, or any reading material for what must surely have been a highly tedious journey; Autumn hastened to reassure her. "Don't worry AJ, it's Spring, I won't need any clothes! I can buy a toothbrush in Ponyville, and I was too busy talking to the voices in my head to have time to get bored on the way!"

"Right. . ." Applejack didn't bother pointing out that, as Autumn Blaze hadn't brought any money either, buying a toothbrush was going to be a bit of a problem. Rather, her focus was on the slightly alarming reminder of a line from the song Autumn had sung when the two ponies had first met: "Stuck in silent prison with the voices in my head." At the time, Applejack had assumed Autumn was referring merely to having had to keep her thoughts to herself for so long, but now she was not so sure.

But there was not time to worry about that now - Autumn Blaze was already skipping along the path, head turning this way and that, searching eagerly for Sweet Apple Acres. "Where do you live, Applejack? Is it far? How long will it take to walk? When we get there, will your family be there? Where does Fluttershy live? Can we visit her?"

"Whoa there, sugarcube! One question at a time. No, it's not far, and we should be there in a few minutes. Mah family will be there, so you'll get to meet Big Mac, Applebloom and Granny Smith straightaway. As for Fluttershy, she lives over in that direction" - Applejack motioned towards the Everfree forest, looming away to the East - "and Ah don't see why you couldn't drop it to see her cottage sometime. But she's looking forward to seeing you again just as much as Ah am, so she's coming round for tea this evening!"

Autumn gasped in excitement and, spying a large red farmhouse and barn in the distance, asked, "Is that your farm, Applejack?"

As Applejack nodded in response, Autumn took a deep, long breath, and closed her eyes while breathing slowly out. When she reopened them she seemed somewhat more composed. "I'm sorry I'm so over-excited, AJ. I just so enjoy seeing ponies and getting to stay with them! I don't have many real friends, you know, even now. The other Kirin all seem to think I'm a bit odd! I don't know why though. Hey!" The moment of calm over, Autumn squinted her eyes against the light of the sun, now low in the sky, and announced, "I think I can see someone outside your farm!"

Seeing a small, yellowish blob by the front porch of Sweet Apple Acres, Applejack replied, "Sure thing, sugarcube - it looks like Applebloom has come out to welcome you. She's been really looking forward to meeting my new friend!"

Mouth turned in a quizzical line, Autumn tilted her head to the side and asked, "Really? Who's your new friend?"

The orange mare smiled at Autumn's innocent confusion. "You are!"

"Aww, that's so kind of you! Do you really think of me as your friend, really?"

"Of course I do, sugarcube. And whoever's a friend of mine is a friend of mah family's, as you'll soon see!"

With that, the two ponies trotted companionably the rest of the way along the unpaved road to Sweet Apple Acres, Autumn Blaze asking innumerable questions and chatting away constantly. Applejack grinned to herself; it was good to have such a lively friend to stay - a pony so completely different from the stolid Big Mac! All the same, however, she couldn't help but feel concerned at Autumn's reference to 'real' friends - it seemed to imply that the voices she was hearing were more than just her own thoughts. Applejack determined to keep an eye on her excitable, eccentric new friend.

The Voices in My Head

"Hoo-ee!" Applejack exclaimed as she gingerly leant back against one of the orchard's apple trees, relishing the pleasantness of the shade. Though still hot, it was without the strength-sapping heat of the direct Summer sunlight.

Autumn Blaze, sighing contentedly, plomped herself down next to her farmer friend. In the weeks since she had arrived at the Apple farm, she had grown used to life with the Apples. She helped Granny Smith move heavy bales of hay, assisted Applebloom with her homework - the whole school had been eager to learn more about this strange, new type of pony, the Kirin - and had learnt more about apples in the last couple of months from Applejack than she would ever have thought possible. And she'd even managed to encourage the diffident Big MacIntosh out of his quiet cocoon, with the two of them getting along like a house on fire.

In fact, the whole family had taken to Autumn Blaze so well, and had grown to become so fond of the batty, excitable Kirin, that Granny Smith had conferred on her the title of 'Honorary Apple', a position which Autumn cherished.

As she nestled up to the overarching apple tree above her, she closed her eyes in contentment. "Thank you so much, Applejack, for letting me stay this long. I've had such a wonderful time, with you and your family!"

The orange mare turned to glance at her friend, opening one eye sleepily. "Not at all, sugarcube. It's been our pleasure! You can stay as long as you want." Truth be told, although Applejack did genuinely enjoy Autumn's company, and was glad to have had her around over the past couple of months, there was another reason, too, why she hoped the Kirin would stay longer. Several times over the past eight or so weeks had Autumn Blaze referenced the 'voices in her head', and though they didn't seem to be bothering her - indeed, the farmmare had never known a pony quite so talkative and overexcitable, Pinkie Pie included - Applejack still wasn't convinced that Autumn was well enough to go back to her home village. From things Autumn had said, Applejack had been able to gather that, despite being the one who gave back speech to a race who had been in enforced silence for so many years, she still had no real friends from her own species. It evidently wasn't just the Apple family who considered her behaviour to be rather. . . odd.

And so Applejack was glad Autumn had wanted to stay for so long. If only there was some way to help her with her 'eccentricities'.

But it was what happened next that made stirred Applejack into making up her mind on a plan of action.

Beginning to slowly shake her head from side to side, her eyes closed and brow furrowed in a mixture of confusion and anxiety, Autumn suddenly cried out, "Will you just SHUT UP!"

Jumping from her half-doze into sudden wakefulness, Applejack turned to look at her friend in alarm, laying a hoof on her shoulder in an attempt to calm her down. "Are you alright, Autumn? What's wrong?"

"Agh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean you, AJ. I don't - I just-" Autumn Blaze broke off, staring away into the middle distance, her eyes swimming with an uncharacteristic emotion: unhappiness.

Feeling really concerned now, and living up to the directness - some would say bluntness - of her role as the Element of Honesty, Applejack gently turned Autumn Blaze's head to look directly into her eyes, and softly asked: "They're getting worse, aren't they? The voices?"

Nodding bleakly, with all of her usual energy and enthusiasm somehow leached away, the troubled Kirin allowed Applejack to pull her into a hug, resting her forehead on the farmpony's shoulder. After a minute or so, she spoke, murmuring, "I thought I could ignore them, make them go away. But when I realised I couldn't, I tried to make the Voices my friends, so they wouldn't hurt me. But now they don't even want to be friends, and they say such mean things! I try to be nice to them, but they won't listen to me! I'm just so tired of having to hear them all the time."

Applejack pondered carefully before replying, gently stroking Autumn Blaze's mane with her hoof. "Autumn, Ah think it might be time you spoke to someone about this. Someone like a doctor, Ah mean, someone who can maybe help you get rid of the Voices."

At that, Autumn looked up in horror. "Oh no, no, I can't do that!"

Surprised, Applejack asked, "Why ever not, sugarcube?"

Looking all around before answering, as though afraid somepony else might be listening, Autumn whispered, "Because if I try to make them go away, the Voices will kill me, Applejack. And I don't want to die. . ." She broke off again, slowly rocking herself from side to side, tears welling in her the corners of her eyes.

Despite feeling way out of her depth, and still reeling with surprise at this apparently sudden change in Autumn's usually extremely buoyant mood, Applejack tried to reason with her. "Do you trust me, sugarcube? Do you trust me to always tell you the truth?"

Nodding briefly, her friend replied, "Of course I do, AJ, you're the Element of Honesty."

Continuing to soothe Autumn by stroking her gently in an attempt to help her calm down, Applejack said, "Then do you believe me when Ah tell you that the Voices cannot hurt you, no matter how much they threaten you? Because they can't, you know. It doesn't matter what they say, or how unkind they are. They cannot hurt you. You don't have to do what they say. Ah know it's hard, but you can do things they tell you not to. Do you trust me, Autumn?"

After what felt like a long time, and with only the sounds of the bees buzzing nearby and the wind in the leaves to break the silence, Autumn Blaze spoke. "I do believe you, Applejack. I do believe you."

Holding back a sigh of relief, the orange mare gently inquired, "Then will you go to the hospital? They'll be able to help you, Autumn, Ah know they will. Ah can come with you, if it would help."

Another long silence followed, in which the troubled Kirin screwed up her eyes and shook her head repeatedly, as though struggling in some internal battle with forces beyond her control. Eventually she seemed to overcome the Voices, and murmured, "Alright, Applejack. If you come with me, I'll go and see a doctor."

Holding her confused, distressed friend close, Applejack fought to keep tears of relief and empathetic sadness from falling from her eyes.

The Autumn, the Apple and the Doctor

It was cooler inside the hospital, almost cold. But after the heat of the midday Summer sun outside, Applejack and Autumn Blaze welcomed the temperature drop gladly.

It had been a long walk, from Sweet Apple Acres to Ponyville General Hospital, though in fact the distance wasn't that far. Several times en route Autumn had asked Applejack for reassurance, and each time Applejack had gently reminded her that going to the hospital was definitely the right thing to do. Eventually, after almost half an hour, the two mares had arrived.

Then Applejack had explained to the receptionist that no, they didn't have an appointment, but it was quite urgent, and was anypony available to see them today? To which she had replied that yes, as it happens, there was a free slot with Doctor Haybert in about quarter of an hour, if they'd like to take a seat?

So Applejack and Autumn Blaze sat down in a corner out of the way, and passed the time in quiet conversation. Autumn seemed less agitated now, Applejack thought, almost as though she were relieved to be finally able to do something constructive regarding her illness.

"How are you feeling now, sugarcube?" the orange farmpony asked.

Autumn breathed out, slowly. "Better, actually. Thank you, AJ, for doing this for me - for helping me come to see a doctor. I know they" - Applejack didn't need to be told who 'they' were - "can't hurt me, really. But it's so hard trying to ignore them all the time, and it's just easier to roll along with whatever they say. Sometimes I forget they're not real. . ."

Eyes downcast, she trailed off. Applejack smiled a little, pleased at how her friend had calmed down somewhat, and murmured, "Well, whatever happens, you'll always have me for a friend, and all the Apple family. You can always trust us to help you if you need it."

Her eyes shining with gratitude, Autumn sighed again. At that moment, a door on the other side of the waiting room opened, and a grey-maned, older stallion dressed in a white coat and a friendly expression called out, "Miss Blaze? If you'd like to come with me?"

"Go on, sugarcube. Ah'll be waiting here for you when you come back out," Applejack encouraged.

"Oh! Can't you come in with me? I'll feel so much better if you're there!"

The Kirin sounded almost desperate, but Applejack had to shake her head. "Ah'm sorry, Autumn, but Ah can't. Patient confidentiality, and all that. But don't you fret none. Doctor Haybert is real friendly; I'm sure you'll be just fine."

Giving a final, nervous swallow, Autumn stood gingerly up, and walked hesitantly towards the door being held open by Doctor Haybert; if he felt any surprise at the unusual ethnicity of his patient he must have been very good at hiding it, merely blinking in an friendly manner, and saying, "I'm sure you're feeling a little nervous about all of this, but don't you worry. I don't bite!" So saying, and after a companionable nod at Applejack - the two ponies had met previously on numerous occasions following many of Applebloom's abortive attempts to gain her cutiemark - he led 'Miss Blaze' from the room.

* * *

A fortnight later, Applejack found herself once again in the waiting room at the hospital, passing the time until her friend came out of her latest appointment. After the first meeting with Doctor Haybert, Autumn had become less anxious at the prospect of returning for further visits, and was now almost back to her old self. Occasionally she would have the odd day in which she would seem sad, and listless, and refuse to get up, and on these days the Apple family would let her be, though making sure she knew they were there for her should she need to talk. But most of the time she was just as bright, and bubbly, and overexcitable as ever, almost as if nothing were wrong.

After such a long spell of heat, the thunderstorm now crashing and rumbling outside came as a welcome relief to the inhabitants of Ponyville; the Pegasi, aware of this, had made a special effort to make the storm a memorable one, allowing the parched earth to soak up the water it needed after the heatwave, and impressing the groundbound inhabitants of the town with some of the most sustained thunder any of the locals could remember. It was on the day of this storm that Applejack found herself idly reading a magazine on 'Wing Care, the Basics: for non-Pegasus Parents of Pegasus Foals', waiting for Autumn to re-emerge.

After about half an hour, the glossy-maned Kirin reappeared, passing through the door which led down a corridor to Doctor Haybert's room, and trotted over to where Applejack was sitting; seemingly deep in thought, so preoccupied was she that she didn't even notice the wide-eyed stare of a young filly with her hoof in a sling, as she tried to comprehend this new, strange-looking pony.

Applejack stood up as Autumn hove nearer. "How did it go?"

Still frowning slightly in thought, her friend looked up at her, looking so bemused that Applejack had difficulty restraining herself from laughing - even in her less energetic moments, Autumn was still a highly enjoyable pony to be around.

The two ponies walked in silence through the double doors of the hospital and back out into the storm - umbrellas at the ready - and Applejack gave her friend time to collect her thoughts. After a few minutes of galloping headlong through the downpour, and having found temporary respite in the form of the town's bandstand, Autumn Blaze broke her silence.

"Well, I have a diagnosis, anyway." Something about way she said 'diagnosis' made it clear that the idea of having a psychiatric disorder was still almost foreign to her.

Applejack, though intensely curious, was careful not to make her friend feel rushed. After all, Autumn had been hearing voices for many years, and to suddenly know the reason why must surely have been somewhat overwhelming. "Do you. . . feel able to tell me?"

Autumn nodded. "Doctor Haybert said that the tests had all come back, and that based on those he was able to diagnose what's - what's wrong with me. He said I have something called 'schizoaffective disorder'."

Applejack frowned slightly, not really understanding. "And what does that mean? Ah've not heard the term before."

"It seems from what Doctor Haybert said that it's a bit like bipolar disorder" - here Applejack nodded; that part at least didn't surprise her - "but with psychosis too. So that's why I hear the Voices, and sometimes think they're trying to kill me, and stuff like that."

Applejack nodded again, feeling somewhat relieved that her friend now at least had a reason for what had been happening to her. "How do you feel, now that you know?"

"I don't really know, yet. It all still feels unreal, like it hasn't really happened. I've always heard the Voices, for as long as I can remember, though they only started being mean about a year ago. I suppose I don't really know what happens now, if you see what I mean - am I still me? Will I have to take medicine? Doctor Haybert thinks I should. If I do, will the Voices go away? If they don't, will I just keep getting worse? If they do go away, what will I listen to at night? How can I think without hearing myself all the time? I don't - I just don't understand!" Autumn broke off, wiping away unbidden tears. Applejack, pulling her in close, gave her a long hug.

"Whatever happens, I'll be here for you, sugarcube."

Author's Note

A lot of what happens in this story, particularly Autumn's behaviour, is based on the actions of one of my housemates, who has numerous psychiatric disorders, including unipolar major depressive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, dissociative identity disorder, autism spectrum disorder and transient psychotic disorder. It's a challenge at times, living with her, but she's still a lovely person underneath it all. And I think that's important to remember - that a person (or pony!) isn't defined by their illness(es).

The Whirlwind Unpacks her Bags

Early Autumn. A time of watery sunlight, yellowing leaves, misty mornings. Apples to be picked, stored, turned into crumbles, or used to make zap-apple jam.

September rolled on by and the year wended its way into October, as the last of the trees was picked bare and the Apple family at long last could take their well-earnt rest; it was the season for the beginnings of the ends of things.

In the months since Applejack had convinced her speak to doctor about her hallucinations and intrusive thoughts, the two of them had become very close, spending almost all their time together, whether that be at mealtimes, working in the fields, or visiting their other friends. During this time the alabaster Kirin had undergone a number of treatments, including taking daily mood-suppressant and anti-psychotic medications, group therapy (in which she was amazed to learn that her now good friend Pinkie Pie was suffering from the same illness), and one-to-one psychotherapy with Ponyville's resident psychiatrist, Doctor Maneroe. Though rather bewildering at first, this array of treatments did seem have helped.

Applejack, along with the whole of the Apple family, were delighted at this improvement, and encouraged Autumn Blaze to continue her course of medications and treatments. Slowly, they began to notice a change in Autumn's behaviour - though no longer quite as extremely energetic or chatty as before, she also seemed to have fewer 'down' days, and those she did have were less severe. She no longer seemed anxious about being harmed by the Voices, and although she still heard them, she had learnt to rationalise their existence, and no longer paid them any heed.

One morning in early October, she and Applejack were standing out on the front porch, enjoying watching the sun rise through the low-lying mist. The friendly, inviting scents of apples, varnished wood, and gentle woodsmoke from the remains of last night's bonfire filled the dawn air, and for a long while the two mares were content to enjoy each other's presence in companionable silence.

When the town clock away in the distance could be heard striking seven, Autumn sighed. She had made a decision, and there was no time better than the present to tell her closest friend.

"Applejack," she began, hesitantly. After the orange earth-pony indicated having heard by turning her head, she continued. "I've been thinking. Thinking a lot, in fact. There's a lot of things I've gone through, and done over the past few months, and I'll never regret having let you take me to see Doctor Haybert. But there are other things I have to do too."

She paused, and in that pause Applejack understood. "You're going back to your village, aren't you?"

Autumn Blaze nodded, slowly. No matter how much she'd thought about it, no matter how sure she was that it was the right decision, that she had to go back home some time, the idea had never felt quite real. And now, hearing Applejack speak those thoughts aloud, it seemed like such an odd thing to do.

But go she must. "Yes, AJ. I have to go back. It's not fair that I keep intruding on you and your family's life like this, especially after all you've done for me. There are things I must take care of back in my old village - I need to water my geraniums for one thing!"

Applejack gave a halfhearted chuckle, before becoming more serious. "Autumn, please don't go because you feel we think you should. We've all really enjoyed having you here! You've brought Big Mac out of his silence, given Granny Smith someone new to tell her unbelievable 'memories' to, and you've been such a good friend to Applebloom. And Ah. . .". Applejack broke off, unexpected - and surprising - emotions threatening to bring tears to her eyes. She swallowed before continuing. "Ah've grown to - Ah mean, Ah'm awfully fond of you, Autumn. You're a member of the family now, you know that. If you want to go, then it's alright, we understand. But please don't go because you think we want you to. You'd be welcome to stay forever, if you wanted. You're one of us, now."

So saying, she turned to face Autumn directly, looking her straight in the eye. The Kirin faltered, "Oh, Applejack. . . I know you all care about me, and I'm really touched that you consider me family. I don't have any family of my own and it's really nice to be part of yours. . . But something tells me that I have to go back. I don't know why, it just - oh, it's all so hard!"

"What's so hard, sugarcube?" Applejack inquired.

Autumn glanced away. "Oh, I don't - I don't know - I can't tell you! It's just - you - I just have to go!" She sat back against the wall of the farmhouse and buried her face in her hooves.

Applejack didn't understand; what could she not tell her? "Are you sure you can't tell me? You can tell me anything, you know that."

There was a long silence. Applejack could see that her friend was fighting to come to a decision, that she desperately wanted to tell Applejack what was wrong, why she felt she had to leave, but was afraid to do so. Eventually, as Applebloom could be heard clomping sleepily down the stairs in the house behind them, Autumn took a deep breath, sighing out slowly. Then she spoke.

"I have to go back to my village, Applejack. I can't stay here, because every day is both a joy and a torment, and I can't keep living like that. It's better that I go back to the Kirin, and focus on other things."

Confused, and more than a little concerned, the orange mare asked, "A torment? But why? I'm sorry if you don't feel we've looked after you well enough. . ."

She trailed off as Autumn shook her head in amusement. "No, AJ, it's not that. You've all been so good to me, and I could never repay your kindness. No, it's not that."

Again she lapsed into silence, and Applejack allowed her the time to compose her thoughts. After a minute or two, and as the sun finally broke out over the mist, she murmured: "Do you not know, Applejack? Do you not see why I must leave?"

Applejack shook her head, unfathoming. "Ah don't understand, Autumn. Why must you leave?"

Blinking back tears, Autumn smiled wanly. "Can you not guess? I love you, Applejack. I love you more than I could ever have thought possible. You're generous, and giving, and warm, and friendly, and funny, and clever, and oh, so, so kind - and you're a far better pony than I could ever deserve. No, please!" - she held up a hoof to forestall Applejack's reply - "I know what you're going to say: that you could never feel the same way about me as I do about you. It's alright, I understand. But you must see now why I can't stay?"

Applejack's heart felt like it had just leapt a thousand hooves into the air, and her stomach was doing double somersaults as she fought to keep her voice steady. "You - you love me?"

Looking almost ashamed, Autumn nodded slowly.

Applejack gasped. "But Ah love you! Ah love you, Autumn Blaze! Ah don't know when Ah first felt this way about you but Ah know, from the bottom of my beating heart, that Ah love you. And you can't go, not now. Please don't leave me!"

Staring into each others' eyes in amazement and sudden, unexpected bliss, the two mares blinked away happy tears. Autumn whispered, "Do you mean that? Do you really?"

"Ah do, sugarcube, as sure as the day is long." The farm pony broke off in uncertainty. "So. . . will you be staying?"

If the violence of hug Autumn gave her was anything to go by, she intended to do just that.

* * *

From the vantage point of an upstairs window, three pairs of eyes watched closely, and three pairs of ears listened intently. Granny Smith turned to Applebloom and Big Mac, both of whom were grinning madly, and grumbled, "Well, that sure took long enough!"