“But DAAAAAARLING!!!!” screeched Rarity, clinging to my leg in desperation as I tried to walk back outside. “I absolutely NEED to make a dress for you, Anon!”
I shook my head no and shook my leg but Rarity had a grip of steel and refused to let go.
“PleasepleasepleasepleasePPPLLLLEEEEAAASSEEEEEE!!!!!”
“No.”
“I’ve made dresses for mares and fillies and griffons and princesses and minotaurs and hippogriffs and lamias but I haven’t EVER made a dress for a human and if I don’t make a dress for a human it’d be- be... be...”
“Rarity calm down, please...” I said as I tried to pry her off of my leg.
“...be the WORST POSSIBLE THING!!!!”
“Please, just stop yelling.”
“Pleeeeease Anon, just let me make a dress for you-hou-houuuu...” bawled Rarity. Yep, she was crying now. My jeans were getting soaked.
“Rarity, where I come from, guys don’t wear dresses.”
Rarity blew her nose into my pant leg. Uck. “I ju-just want t-to make you pretty...”
Maybe we could compromise? “How about a suit. You can make me a suit.”
“B-but I want to make you a dreeeeeeess.....” said Rarity between sobs. My socks were getting wet now. She looked up at me with her freakishly large seeing orbs and pouted. “H-how can you s-say no to this face?”
“Like this,” I replied. “No.”
“I’m trying t-to be generous! I wa-want to make you your very own dress for f-f-free...” she said before wiping her nose on my pant leg again.
“I told you that you could make me a suit! A nice suit with a nice tie.”
“B-but I don’t WANT to make you a suit... I want to make you a dress.”
“If you let go of my leg, I’ll think about it, ok?”
She let go of my leg and I struck a thinking pose for all of two seconds before I made a run for the door. I looked over my shoulder and saw Rarity’s eyes widen. I got to the door and grabbed the handle, and yanked on it hard. The door wouldn’t budge. I pulled harder, but the door still wouldn’t move. I pulled as hard as I could and-
The door handle popped off. And Rarity had reattached herself to my other leg.
“YOU SAID YOU’D THINK AB-ABOUT ITTTT, ANONNNN!!!!” bawled Rarity. Again.
“I did think about it and I decided that, while I appreciate the offer, I would not like a dress.”
“But... but... but...”
“No butts. That’s lewd.”
Rarity sniffled. “That’s not what I meant and you know it!”
“I’m trying to cheer you up.”
“Well,” said Rarity, pouting adorably, “It’s not working.”
“Hmm... did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden engine?”
“What’s a car?” Rarity wiped off her face on my leg again.
“It wooden- wait, you don’t know what a car is?”
“No.”
“Oh yeah, magical horse land and all that. No cars.”
“Anon.”
“Do you ponies have electricity? I’ve been here a month and there’s lights at night but I think they’re magic.”
“Anon. Stop.”
“I mean, you have a sewing machine, which could be magic, I guess, but earth ponies don’t have that sort of magic. Which means-“
“ANON.” Rarity squeezed my leg.
“Sorry.” I said. “I kind of got carried away.”
“You can make it up to me by letting me make you a dress.” said Rarity, trying her puppy-dog eye trick again. At least she had stopped crying.
“No.” I replied, crossing my arms.
“Just one measly dress.”
“I said no.”
“You don’t even have to wear it after.”
“I don’t want a dress.”
“I’ll theme it any way you want, Anon. I’ll take care of the colors, of course, so it looks nice.”
“What’s wrong with making me a suit?”
“Nothing, darling. I just... really really really want go make you a dress, dear. Please?”
“How about you make me...” I started, and Rarity’s ears perked up. “...a suit.” Her ears fell.
“Darling, you would look gorgeous in a black and white gown, with a splash of red.”
“No.”
“Red and pink, then?”
“No. No dress. Anon no want dress. Anon want suit. Anon be happy if Rarity,” I booped her nose for effect, “made Anon a suit.”
“Dress first.”
“Why do I even need a dress?”
“I make dresses for all of my friends, and you,” she tried to boop me but I was too tall, “are one of my friends, so you get a dress.”
“That’s very kind of you.”
“Thank you. So, does that mean you’ll let me make a dress for you?”
“No.”
“Please?”
“How about a pair of pants?”
“Mmmm... how about I make you... a dress!”
“A shirt.”
“Dress.”
“Socks?”
“D. R. E. S. S.” Rarity squeezed my leg with each letter.
“N. O.”
“Can I show you the dresses I’ve made for my friends, Anon?”
“Yes, if you’ll stop pestering me about making me a dress.”
Rarity let go of my leg and stood there for a second before walking away towards a door in the back of her shop. I followed, warily.
“They’re in here, darling.” Said Rarity, opening the door. The room beyond was dark.
“This better not be a trick.”
“I swear to you, dear. I wouldn’t do that. Go on in.”
Despite her assurances, it still felt like a trap. I stepped inside, and Rarity followed, closing the door behind us. She flipped a switch on the wall and the lights turned on with a faint but telling hum, revealing mannequins (ponnequins?)with beautiful dresses.
“I knew it!” I said, pumping my fist in the air.
“What? You want a dress?”
“No! You have electricity!”
“Of course I have electricity, darling. Look at the dresses.”
I looked at the dresses, and they looked nice. It wasn’t hard to determine which dress belonged to which of Rarity’s friends. There was also an extra dress, but it was foal-sized and very blue.
“Whose dress is that?” I asked, pointing at the blue one.
“Sweetie Belle’s. She’s my sister, darling.”
“Why’s it so... blue?”
“She insisted.”
“Ah.”
We stood in silence for a full minute before Rarity spoke again.
“So, you’ve decided.”
“Huh?”
“On what you want your dress to look like.”
“Yes. I want it to be... invisible.”
Rarity looked me up and down. “I can work with that.”
“Lewd.”
“You started it.”
“Rarity, please.”
“Fine.”
“I really don’t-wait, you’re agreeing?”
“Yes, darling. I’m giving up.”
“I really appreciate the offer. Really.”
“Mmm... yes. Run along. I need some alone time.”
“...Okay.” I left the room, and went to the front door again. I noticed that there was a sign that said “push” hanging on the door, and I cringed. I pushed the door open, and immediately got a face-full of confetti from Pinkie Pie’s party cannon. I was very familiar with the cannon because Pinkie tried to throw a party for everything I did. When I first got to Equestria I had a Welcome Party followed by a First Party Party and a Second Party Party.
“Congratulations on your new dress, Anon!” said Pinkie, thrusting a cake into my hands. The cake had a caricature of me in a blue dress flexing muscles that I did not have in real life.
“Pinkie.”
“Yes, Anonny?”
“I did not get a dress.”
“Oh. So, Rarity’s not done?” Pinkie guessed, tapping her chin with a hoof.
“No.”
“Hmm... Rarity doesn’t like you?”
“I don’t think so.”
“You’re worried that wearing a dress will invalidate your masculinity?”
I froze up for a second before responding. “Maybe?”
“Tsk tsk tsk. Clothing doesn’t make you one way or another, silly Anonny. ‘Sides, you don’t have to wear it around or anything.”
I didn’t respond.
“You can’t have the cake if you don’t get a dress.”
“Well.” I started, and then stopped.
“Welly welly well well.” trilled Pinkie.
“Fine.”
“Great! See you in a few hours, Anonnynonnynon.” Pinkie snatched the cake from my hands and pronked off behind a tree where she disappeared. I turned and went back inside to find the whole shop dark. Rarity was sitting in a corner, with her head down.
“Rarity?” I called out, quietly letting the door close behind me.
“What.” she replied, not looking up. It sounded like she had been crying more.
“I guess... I guess I’d like a dress.”
Her ears perked up, but she didn’t move. “Really?” She sniffed, and then blew her nose. I waited for her to finish before I replied.
“Really. I thought it was a big deal for me to have a dress, but, ah, it’s a bigger deal if I ruin our friendship over an article of clothing.”
The lights went on, and suddenly Rarity was in front of me. “What color?”
“Huh?”
“What colors would you want the dress to be? I recommend black and white with a dash of red or green, darling.”
“That sounds fine to me.”
“Then,” Rarity beamed at me, her mascara still a little runny, “Let’s get started!”
Author's Note
Arty. Rrrerrr. Aiaity. Rort. Reerty. Arariny. Rarth. Rrrrr. Räty. Rær. Ritu. Rity. Rahrah. Rañit. Rœrty. Räërįtī.
Rarity.
