My Dearest Diary,
Today has been a good day. ~~I defeated a bugb~~ I helped my friends to defeat a bugbear. It has been threatening to attack for a few ~~days~~ weeks, and so we were prepared for it. ~~That happened in the morning.~~ We managed to defeat it before lunch.
For lunch I went to Sugarcube Corner with everypony. ~~I felt sick again~~ I wasn't particularly hungry, but I ate some hay fries. After that the others all had icecreams but I came ~~back here~~ back to Carousel Boutique. I told them that I was really busy with a new line I was working on.
I don't like lying to my friends, they all seem so nice. But unlike ~~Rainb~~ Applejack I'm not the Element of Honesty, I'm the Element of Generosity, so it's okay if I lie sometimes. But I suppose I'm not being generous with my time if I just come back here after lunch always. So maybe I'm doing a bad thing?
I don't know! I'm just so tired all the time, and yet I still hardly sleep. And I'm never hungry anymore. Food always just makes me feel queasy, so I only eat the minimum. I think Applejack is starting to notice. I know Pinkie Pie certainly has. But I can't tell them why I don't eat their food, they'll just laugh at me! They'll just think it's me, silly little Rarity, crying for no reason as usual. So I don't tell them, and I just pretend I'm happy.
It's really hard, having to ~~prep~~ pretend all the time. I don't know ~~what makes~~ why I'm so sad. Maybe I'm imagining things. Maybe I'm really very happy, but I'm not clever enough to know that. My friends are clever. Maybe I'm not as clever as they are, maybe they're too good for me.
They seem to like me though. But I don't ~~understnd~~ understand why. I'm not special, no matter what they say. I'm the Element of Generosity, but only because I'm rich and I can afford to be! Would I still be so generous, if I had to pinch and scrape like the Apple ~~fmal~~ family? What if I'm just a big fraud, who thinks she's generous when really she's very ungenerous?
There are so many poor ponies in the world. How can I be rich when they are so poor? The Apple family can barely maintain their house sometimes, Fluttershy has no real income at all because she spends all her time with animals, and as for little ~~Scotal~~ Scootaloo - well, she has always relied on the kindness of strangers. How can I be so rich when they are so poor? I'm a horrible, horrible pony, and I don't deserve anything.
I don't know if I even love my family. I think I do - but I don't feel glad, anymore, when my parents come to visit. Sweetie Belle is growing up so fast. I wish I'd spent more time with her as a filly, before she got her cutiemark. I should really spend more time with her now. But she's got so much ~~engr~~ energy, and I always feel so tired.
Everything is grey. Everything is grey, and white, and black. It feels like all the colours have gone. Does that mean that there aren't any more colours? What if I've seen all the colours there are? Will everything just be grey now? It all feels grey. The sky is grey, the birds are grey, I'm grey.
Sometimes I wake up and my heart hurts so much that I don't know what to do. I can't get out of bed because it's so sad. Why is my heart sad? I have everything I need and want, so why is my heart so sad all the time? I think my heart has stopped working properly, and now I can only be grey.
When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see a pony looking back at me. I see a ghost, a shadow. Something nopony cares about and nopony wants to think about. I'm a figment of my own imagination, like my whole life is just me watching myself. I don't ~~understnd~~ understand. Ponies talk to fast that I can't keep up. I have to just smile and nod and wait for my tired, aching brain to wake up. But it never does. Not anymore.
Will I always be like this? I don't know. Maybe it's a punishment for being such an awful pony. What have I done with my life? I make clothes. I make fancy, useless clothes for fancy, useless ponies. I take their money which neither of us need, and add it to my hoard. Why do I always keep the money, and not give it away? I don't need it. If I was really the Element of Generosity, I would be poor. But I'm not.
I'm a fraud, a ~~trixi~~ trickster. I'm worse than useless. I make pointless things for pointless reasons, and nothing I do helps anypony. Not really. I just take up space. Even my own shops don't need me anymore, now that I have employees to do all the work for me. They scrape around, spending hours a day working for me, when I could just give them their money straightaway.
Why do we have money? I think money was ~~invnt~~ invented by ~~an evil wizard~~ somepony who didn't know what they were doing. How can there be so much money? Who makes it? Why do ponies own it? Why do some ponies not own it?
I should just give my money away, and go away and die somewhere. Nopony needs me. Sweetie Belle is too old for me to look after her, now. She's growing to be a lovely young mare. If I ran away, would anyone notice? Would anyone care? I don't know. ~~I like to think they would.~~ I don't think they would. Nopony needs me. Nopony needs Rarity's useless clothes and silly ideas.
Is this depression? Is this what depression feels like? Sometimes I think I should see a doctor, or talk to somepony about how I feel. But I know what they'll say. They'll say 'you're just being stupid, Rarity! You have no reason to be sad!' and they'd be right. I don't have a ~~raes~~ reason. So I can't have depression. Depression is for ill ponies, and I'm not ill. I'm just tired, and cold, and grey, and so, so sad.
It's raining again. If I die, will this be the last thing I see? My dark, shadowy room, with rain on the windows? I like rain. Rain doesn't judge you. But it makes my heart sad.
Goodnight, Diary.
Author's Note
Much of this comes from personal experience. I've had dysthymia for several years, with the occasional bout of major depression just to keep me on my toes. I know what it's like. So if you're feeling down and you don't know why, then please, speak to somepony. It can never hurt to talk.
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