An Average Day With Death
“Let’s see. Joyful Joy. Lame name. Race is unicorn pony. Age thirty-six. Special talent is spreading joy… of course. And dies from liver cancer in hospital room A34. Perfect.”
Putting the scroll behind him, a cloaked figure wielding a scythe began to whistle to himself. He floated across the streets of Manehatten with nopony paying attention to him. Seeing such a cloaked figure in the summer was odd enough, but when you were a skeleton? That was bound to pop out a few eyeballs, but to the rest of the world he was as invisible as air.
Death often wondered what it would be like to turn off the invisibility and let everypony see the avatar of their greatest fear walking among them. The reactions would be funny at first, but then he’d have ponies dying of fright in front of him. That would only be more work for him. “Not that I don’t have enough as it is. Long hours. Few breaks. And I haven’t gotten a pay raise in six thousand, nine hundred, and seventy-one years. I swear if it weren’t for the dental plan I’d quit this job and go try for one of those ‘writing fate’ jobs my cousin does.”
He stopped mumbling to himself when he noticed he arrived at the hospital. With a sigh, he phased through the walls as if they weren’t there. Having been here so many times, he knew the layout by heart and soon arrived at his target’s resting place.
In the room, Death spotted a young yellow coated pony, with a cropped blue mane, sleeping in her bed. An I.V. needled into her foreleg and an air breather around her muzzle. The heart reading machine was beeping in the corner. Baskets of flowers and get well soon cards surrounded the bed in such numbers they could fill half the room. It would have been saddening if it wasn't for the fact he’d seen it a million times.
“There’s gonna be a lot of ponies sad about this mare’s death. Oh well, might as well get this over with.” Stretching his neck a bit, as the cracking of his vertebraes echoed around him. Death walked over and raised his scythe before cutting it down on the body before him. No visible damage was there, but the heart reader in the background went flat in seconds. A few moments later, Joyful Joy breathed her last breath.
A pale ghostly image of the dead unicorn rose from her body like a leaf blown off from a tree before opening her eyes. Looking around in her new astral form, she tilted her head and rubbed her chest. “Huh, that's funny? I feel... lighter... and better than I did this morning.”
“Well, your liver was pretty much beating the crap out of you. I’d say being a floating soul is a step up,” Death said, causing the deceased pony to turn around and scream. With little enthusiasm, he gave a two-fingered salute to the deceased mare. “Yo. Before you ask, yes you are dead. Yes, I am a grim reaper. Yes, there are a lot of us, and your world isn’t the only one that exists. Yes, your religions are real but don’t worry; it's not an automatic sentence to hell for being non-religious. Except for Richard Spencer. And no, there is nothing that can bring you back to life short of the gods themselves telling me, a necromancer, time travel, or a level nine wish spell.”
Joyful closed her mouth, but then opened it again.
“And no, challenging me to a game of chess or any other activity will not work. We’re not allowed to do that since Magic the Gathering became popular and we went waaaay behind on our daily universal quota.”
“Well, then I got nothing,” Joyful Joy sighed in response as she tearfully looked at her dead body. “Do I really have to go? I don’t want to leave my family and friends to mourn for me.”
“Yeah, you do. Because I go on break in five. Let’s move it,” Death said as he raised his scythe and slashed in the air. From its slash, a tear in the fabric of reality opened up like that of a zipper from a jacket. Opening up wide, the portal in front of Joyful Joy made her stare in awe. From it came pure light, the songs of angelic choirs, and a warmth more comfortable then the sun ever gave.
“Oh my, is that heaven?” Joyful asked with wide eyes.
“No, it’s the burning fires of hell. They’re always bright, warm, cheerful, and play choir music 24/7. Now get in there,” Death replied, rolling his non-existent eyes.
Joyful Joy glared at the skeleton, who gave her the middle finger in return, before taking a deep breath. She walked over to the portal and was gone in an instant, forever to live in eternal peace. Snapping his fingers, Death made the portal disappear. A second later, doctors and nurses arrived to try and resurrect their now deceased patient. Deciding to skip the drama, Death walked through the wall until he was outside the streets of Manehatten once again...
***
With five minutes to spare until his next target, Death decided to lay on a bench to catch up on the news. Taking out his cellphone, he began to flip through the various articles. Every one of them from different worlds, timelines, and dimensions. All in the sea of endless creation.
“Let’s see what’s going in the various dimensions of reality. Hmm, Cyberpunk 2077 still not out yet. The world where Hillary Clinton became president finally got destroyed in a nuclear war with Russia. Cat memes. Naruto kills Sasuke in another timeline, and nobody gives two shits. Hell, I’d throw a fucking party over the duck butt head’s corpse. Pewdiepie is still the number one youtuber in every world for some reason. Nayru announces engagement to Arceus. Well, that’s another big god wedding to look forward to. Another dozen Disney live-action remake movies planned, and… what…”
If Death had eyes, they would be wide open. He read the following: Main MLP Universe Princesses Celestia and Luna Announce Retirement!
A split second later he was on the move.
***
Twilight couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She had to rub her hoof into her ears twice to make sure she had been listening right. She wasn't the only one. All her friends, and Spike, were staring at the two sister alicorns with similar expressions. Applejack finally spoke the question all seven of them were thinking. “Wait a gosh darn minute! What da ya’ll mean yer retirin’?”
“It is as my older sister has said, fair Applejack,” Princess Luna answered with a smile. “We have seen how wonderful Equestria has become thanks to your efforts. You have done far more than either my sister or I could have done, even when working together. Thus, we have come to same agreement. The time has come to set aside our crowns and allow the next generation to guide Equestria into a new era.”
“B-b-b-but you’ve been ruling for so long! Longer than a thousand years even!” Rarity shouted.
“Yes, but we have ruled far longer than we intended. Equestria was to be ruled by a council of ponies before we came and took control by Starswirl’s request. Back then, the concept of working together was still new," Princess Celestia explained. "The six of you have what it takes to lead and guide Equestria far better then either of us can."
“Woah, who would have thought! Us! Rulers of Equestria! This almost beats being a Wonderbolt!” Rainbow Dash shouted, doing a few loop-de-loops. “Do I get an awesome crown?! And a cape?! And a sword?!”
“Um, I don’t know if I can do this. I mean, it's kind of a big responsibility, isn’t it?” Fluttershy asked, hiding behind her mane.
“You have been the Elements of Harmony. Heroes of Equestria. Ambassadors and Agents of Friendship. Even teachers for the next generation of friends and heroes. I have a feeling you are more than ready,” Princess Celestia answered.
“Ooh! I get to decide the coordination ceremony!” Pinkie Pie shouted waving her hooves. “Because I have wanted to redecorate this castle to look a lot more fun looking for a long time! I hope I have enough balloons and pink paint cans!”
Spike turned to the only one who had still been silent this entire time, Twilight Sparkle. She had lowered her flaring wings and stared at the ground in thought. Tugging at her feathers for her attention, Spike asked, “Twilight? What do you think?”
Twilight took a deep breath before slowly raising her head. “I think…”
Before she could answer, Twilight's eyes widened as the air in the throne room suddenly got fifty degrees colder. The sudden change in the atmosphere caused her to shiver and wrap her wings around her barrel. Her very spine began to tremble despite it being the middle of spring itself. Twilight turned to the windows to check only to see frost begin to form across the glass tinted windows. Around her, everypony, even the princesses, started to shiver by the sudden change
"W-w-what the h-h-hay? D-d-d-did the weather p-p-p-ponies turn on the s-s-snow makers in C-Cloudsdale?" Rainbow Dash asked, rubbing her forelegs.
"E-E-E-even m-m-my earmuffs ar-r-r-re freezing," Pinkie Pie stated, wearing the said clothing. Despite wondering, for a brief moment, where she got it, the others could see she was not kidding. Icicles were even starting to form on the end.
One by one, the lights went out without any warning until the entire room was as dark as night. An invisible foreboding shadow began to spread across the air like a cloak of fear. Twilight's heart began to beat like a humming bird's wing with her instincts telling her run. Yet, she saw no enemy or any danger of any kind before her eyes.
That’s when a shadow appeared before them. Right between the princesses and Twilight's’ group. They gasped as it swirled into a portal of darkness and flame, growing ever so larger. It was as if a gate to oblivion itself had been summoned beneath them. Slowly, a figure began to rise before them from its void like maw.
Floating out of the dark portal, a tall figure in a dark cloak, and holding a scythe, appeared before them. Everypony, and dragon, stood frozen in terror upon seeing his full form. Their heads began to fill with foalhood stories, tales of horror, and warning fables. All which portrayed this figure as the symbol of every mortal's greatest fear. The fate that none could escape, and that all feared as time moved on. A being so strong that Twilight knew they couldn’t even dare challenge it.
Death. The Grim Reaper. The Seeker of Souls.
With lidless eyes, the skeleton turned around and stared at everyone in silence. Twilight fell on her haunches the moment his gaze hit her own while Spike all but ran behind her with tears in his eyes. Death himself had come, but for who? One of them? Everypony?
The bravest of them, AJ and Dash, stood there in terror, unable to move. Rarity and Fluttershy had fallen to the floor and covered their eyes in shaking terror. Even Pinkie Pie’s mane had not only deflated but turned colorless.
The royal sisters stared at the dark being with such fear that it further escalated the situation in Twilight's mind. The princesses were powerful, but they were not gods. Even they could fall at the hands of death itself if need be.
The Grim Reaper slowly turned to the two sister alicorns. His rash voice spoke like that of a chalkboard being scratched with the talons of a dragon. “Have I heard right? Are you two, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, retiring?”
The two sisters turned at each other before Celestia, doing her best to stare down the creature before her, stepped forward. “W-We are.”
“…FINALLY!”
In an instant, the dark feelings and cold atmosphere were gone as the light returned to the room. Everypony blinked in confusion and then in disbelief at the sight of dancing grim reaper who seemed to be tap dancing with delight. The avatar of death soon stopped and clapped his bony hands in delight. “Yes! Yes! I am so happy right now! Finally, I thought this day would never happen! Oh, this is gonna get me a promotion for sure!”
“Promotion?” Twilight asked, tilting her head in disbelief.
Summon a scroll and pen, Death whistled forward towards the two confused princesses. With a cheerful tone, he asked, “So ladies, when do you want your time to come to an end after you pass on the keys to the country or whatever? Six months? A year? Four years? I’m willing to go anywhere between a century or two max.”
“Um, what are you talking about? Who are you?!” Luna demanded, finding her courage once again. Despite having a skull for a face, Death’s look at the night princess was one that could be ready as ‘seriously?’.
“Uh, you do know who I am right? Or has being on the moon for a thousand years caused your brains to rot due to the lack of oxygen?” Luna’s bright red cheeks and glare made the skeleton sigh. “Alright, fine. I’m Death or at least one of the many reaper guys in the universe who takes souls to the various afterlives. Nice to meet you. Anyway, I’m here because I’m here to ask for when you two,” he pointed to the princess, “want to die after you retire.”
“What?! The princesses are going to die?!” Twilight shouted as her wings flared out frantically.
“Uh, well not now, unless they want to. I mean, they were never going to die. Not until they finally decided to get those big plots off their thrones and pass rulership to someone else,” Death explained, shaking his head. “Since they don’t plan to be the rulers of Equestria anymore they are as free game as the rest of you.” This didn’t help calm Twilight or anypony down as they turned pale in the face.
Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Um, Death? If that’s okay to call you..”
“Eh, call me Larry. It’s my real name.”
Rainbow Dash couldn’t help but snicker. “Larry? Really?”
The now named “Larry” turned to Dash. “Twelve years, ten months, sixteen days, and seven hours from right now. By a stroke.”
Dash raised her eyebrow before her eyes widened at what that meant and soon shut up.
“Anyway,” Princess Celestia continued, “Larry, why are you saying that my sister and I are going to die soon?”
“Well, it's not so much as you will die soon. You guys are now up for grabs since you no longer have the ‘Privilege of Destiny’ as I like to call it,” Death quoted with his fingers. “The reason you two have never died since you were born is that the two of you were needed to keep this world running. I mean come on, do you really think anyone can survive in space where there is no air? A deadly magic blast without dying from the impact? Twice? Being squeezed by sharp pointy vines for hours at an end? And to the two ponies who pretty much control the very things that keep this world alive? I mean come on, man. If sun and moon to stop working it would bring the untold death of the world before its predetermined."
The two sisters looked at each other, alarmed by this revelation brought to them. “Now that you mentioned it, I am wondering how I did survive on the moon without starving to death.”
“And I on the sun without burning to a crisp.”
“I thought that was because they were alicorn demi-gods?” Twilight Sparkle asked.
“Oh please, being an alicorn isn’t some super Saiyan god mode or anything. You just get a bit of a boost in power and some fancy wings. I mean Starlight Glimmer kicked your butt a lot when you tried to stop her from changing time. And she was a unicorn,” Death pointed out.
“So because the princesses are retiring, they are now open to dying?” Spike asked, raising one hand before raising the other. “And before they weren’t?”
“Pretty much. I’m here to plan ahead and give them a date they want to die because I have been waiting sooooo long for their souls,” Larry said with glee.
“Why us?” Princess Celestia asked.
“Because, when a Reaper gets a privilege immortal soul to reap, they get a lot of credit and notability! The Board of Directors hates beings like you because we’re supposed to get anybody. But the fates and deities always have their ways to get around that. They end up creating a few important figures who are destined to never die, or else their entire plan for the world goes flat. I mean, it makes it look like our business is in false advertising! I'm surprised we haven't gotten sued yet!” Death moaned, waving his hands in the air. “Getting one of these souls is bound to make any Reaper get a huge bonus, or a pay raise, or just a promotion in general. Hell, I could even be looking at the employee of the month! Unless somebody manages to finally get Keith Richards. Lord knows we all got a betting pool on when he croaks.”
“Oh, if you do, can I throw you a party! I’ve never had a 'Congratulations Death On Your Promotion' party before!” Pinkie Pie asked, already writing down some drawing for a cake. Fluttershy glanced at it and nearly fainted upon seeing the topper. It had Death holding the severed heads of Celestia and Luna with comedic x’s for eyes.
“Pinkie! This is serious!” Twilight hissed before turning to the Reaper. “This doesn’t have to happen! They don’t have to retire! They can still lead us!”
“Um… we kind of put in our resignation papers to the nobility and the papers already, Twilight,” Princess Celestia muttered with a nervous smile.
"I told you we should have done that after telling Twilight and her friends, sister," Luna scolded, glaring at the blushing elder alicorn.
“Yeah, otherwise I wouldn’t even be bothering to do this. Look, you’re getting a chance to decide how and when you want to die. That rarely happens. So, what do you want? I got a griffin choking on a meat stick that I need to get to in six minutes so chop chop!”
Twilight bit her lip and tried to think of something to do to save the beloved princesses. Her mind thought back to what Larry had said, and soon an idea came to her. “Wait! You still can’t take the Princesses!”
“Uh, why not?” Larry asked, turning around.
“Because!” Twilight smirked as she mentally pat herself on the back. “The Princesses may be retiring from ruling Equestria, but that doesn’t mean they are retiring from moving the sun and moon! And as you said before, they are needed to keep the world working until it's predetermined time to end, right?!”
“Yeah, nice try, Sparklebutt,” Larry stated, waving his boney hand in dismissal. The nickname made Spike and Dash snicker a bit before Twilight slapped them in the head. “But I know for a fact both you, and your sister-in-law, can raise the sun and moon on your own. So close, but no cigar. Now if there are no more interruptions I-” He paused for a second before looking upward and sighing. “Really?”
The ponies looked at each other in confusion, some even stared upward. Everypony wondering what Larry was talking about. Suddenly, a bright white streak of energy burst through the ceiling like a cannonball. It glowed like a star before landing in the throne room with a big explosion of light. Everyone, except for Larry, covered their eyes from the intensity of the flare before it died down. For the second time, everypony had their jaws on the floor upon seeing who it was.
She was the tallest pony that they had ever seen, even Princess Celestia was dwarfed by her size. Her wings alone could easily cover three ponies under them. They were so pure white that even snow was darker compared to the feathers flared before them. Her horn shined like a diamond and stood proud like a flag. Her red mane were so beautiful that Spike couldn’t help but put his precious Rarity into the number two slot. Her cutie mark was that of a quill, ink, and paper. All to symbolize her as the writer of destiny, reality, and the creator of life. A cutie mark that made everypony quickly kowtowed to upon seeing it.
For before them was none other than Fausticorn. The God of Equus.
“Reaper Number 793714! You have some explaining to do!” The goddess shouted, her voice rumbling the entire mountainside.
“Well, crap.” Larry sighed and scratched his head.
And it was going so well too.
Author's Note
The next chapter will come soon, I promise. Thanks to B_25 for his editing!
Princess Celestia often wondered how her subjects felt when she was in their presence. The way they stared at her with worshiping eyes, enthralled by her aura as she strolled down the streets. It was an emotion she was curious about but realized she would never feel due to her position. Yet, before her was a figure that was beyond anything Celestia could have hoped to achieve. The goddess of life herself, Fausticorn, whose power could only be described as the fury of a dozen suns. It was a feeling of fire and ice, all mixed in a cyclone of boundless energy.
“Reaper Number 793714, you better have a good explanation as to why you suddenly appeared before these mortals!” Fausticorn shouted as the mountain of Canterlot rumbled with each syllable.
“Hey, Quill Butt. What’s up?” Larry lazily replied with a wave. This earned him the horrified looks of everypony but a groaning goddess. “And I have a name. You know what it is. I get you lunch every Thursday.”
“Yes, Larry, and you always forget I hate mayonnaise on my subs,” Fausticorn grumbled, before shaking her head. “And don’t call me that! You know I hate that nickname!”
“Is Ink Flank any better? Besides, it's not my fault you got that nickname by getting drunk during the company party and ended up looking like a fool on GodTube,” Larry pointed out, which made Rainbow Dash snicker and earn a kick from AJ.
Rolling her eyes, Fausticorn walked over to Larry and glared at him. “Look, let’s focus on what’s going on here. You have appeared before these mortals,” she pointed to Twilight’s group before turning to the Princesses, “and are claiming to take their souls. Why?! Have I not made it clear that they are to be untouched by death until I say so!”
“Don’t look at me! They’re the ones that said they were retiring!” Larry said, pointing to the two nervous sisters.
Raising her eyebrow, Fausticorn turned to the Princesses and asked, “Is this true? You stated you are... retiring?”
“Y-yes?” Luna hesitantly answered.
There was a moment of silence.
“What in my holy name of me makes you think you need to retire?!” Fausticorn shouted in disbelief. “I mean sure, things are getting better save for a few things coming up, like that Grogar guy, but I’m not done with you two yet! I still got enough to milk this cash cow world with!”
“Cash cow?! Wait, you’re making money off of us?!” Spike shouted.
“Duh, what do you think being a god is about? We don’t just fart out worlds, universes, timelines, laws of physics, animals, plants, and various sentient races because we’re bored?!” Fausticorn explained, rolling her eyes. “We make worlds for profit! We see if they are successful, showcase them as TV shows, comics, books, movies and so forth in various other worlds. Heck, I created a world with those Superhero Ponies you love so much because of how popular Stan Lee was making moola with them. So I gave Stud Lee the ideas here in this world so they can get popular and make money off of it. I created this world for the same thing. Do you know how much I’m making with you guys? I’m fucking owning that Sugar bitch. And I’m already getting calls to make a new Gen 5 one! By the way, Twilight do you mind being an Earth Pony in that one?”
At that moment everything everypony knew about faith and religion was shattered like fine china off a skyscraper. They stood there, frozen in time and horrified that their creator, and all others like her, were just using them for... ratings.
“Oh, sure. I get in trouble for exposing myself, but you can expose them the truth that every god is no different then Rupert Murdoch. Freaking divine privilege bullshit,” Larry muttered, crossing his bony arms.
“Then... is everything we do... Is it pointless?” Fluttershy whimpered, wings sagging. “Are we just already predestined in our choices and fate is beyond our control? Are we just actors on a play doomed to never once break away from our chains?”
“Of course not. It’s less fun when you have to control everything, plus less workload. I swear Brahma and his brothers can only do it so easily because they have more arms,” Fausticorn snorted. “I mean, what the hell do you think fanfiction is? It’s pretty much all the alternate worlds based on choices or circumstances created by you guys. Like that one universe where Trixie and her friends are the Elements of Harmony, and the rest of you are a bunch of jerks.”
“Okay, I can’t imagine that in any universe!” Rainbow Dash proclaimed, growling as she flew into the face of the so-called goddess. “Listen, sister! I don’t care if you are the creator of all life for us! I’m offended that the only thing you see us as is a means for you to make a profit! What kind of a goddess are you?! Are you even a goddess to begin with?! You might be an imposter!”
Rolling her eyes, Fausticorn leaned forward and whispered something in Dash’s ear. Her mane and tail went into a fizzle fit a second later as she stood still in the air, completely stunned. Jaw dropping she stared at the grinning goddess before slowly backing up and sitting down with her head down. “I’ll be good.”
“What did you do?” Larry asked.
“I told her I would expose what she masturbates to in her room,” Fausticorn whispered.
“That bad?”
“South Park wouldn’t even make fun of it.”
“Damn,” Larry whispered with impressment.
Taking a deep breath, Twilight spoke, “Look, what Dash clops to aside, I’m willing to ignore the fact that I’ve lost my entire respect of the cosmos to point out that fact that we still have a problem with Larry here letting Princess Celestia and Luna die.”
“At this point, I kinda feel like our retirement is the least of our worries,” Celestia muttered as she levitated her hidden wine bottle and started chucking it. “Six weeks without morning chugs. A new record.”
“Look, they already said it and got the paperwork done. I need this! Badly! This could be my big ticket for a proportion to a better job position! Like Hyrule or Outworld or even Earth-land!” Larry proclaimed to his boss, getting on his knees. “Please let me have this! Please?!”
“No,” Fausticorn proclaimed.
“I’ll do your taxes!”
“No!”
“I’ll be on your Overwatch Team!”
“No!”
“... I’ll get you Chick-fil-A Nuggets?”
Fausticorn opened her mouth, but then paused and slowly rubbed her chin in deep thought.
“Seriously?!” Luna shouted.
“What?! Have you have them?! They’re amazing!”
“Well, I think it would be amazing if we didn’t die!” Luna shouted, eye twitching.
“This has to be the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” Twilight muttered, rubbing her forehead.
“What about that time Discord and I managed to turn every ocean in the world into pudding for six days and create new pudding breathing sea life?” Pinkie Pie pointed out with a smile.
“... the second weirdest thing then,” Twilight replied.
“Look, we both can’t agree on this so many we need to get a third person to settle the dispute,” Larry said, crossing his arms. “Shall we summon her?”
Fausticorn sighed and poofed into being a cellphone that she started texting into. “Fine. Maybe she can deal with this.”
“I hate to ask this, but who are you summoning now?” Rarity inquired.
“The Pony Devil,” The two cosmic immortal beings said with such ease that it didn’t seem like such a big deal. And yet everypony else was already this close to wetting themselves.
“The. Pony. Devil?” Twilight asked, whimpering as her pupils shrunk. “As in... the devil devil? Ruler of hell? Liar of lies? Princess of evil? That devil?”
“Pretty much,” Larry said, shrugging. “Although she also likes the title eyes of destruction for some reason. But you don’t have to worry, she’s not that bad. Well, most of the time.”
Upon hearing this everypony took for cover. The princesses went behind their throne rooms, quivering like little school girls while most of the Mane Six either flew to hide behind the chandeliers, hid behind potted plants, or ducked under the carpet. Pulling out a cellphone from hammerspace, Fausticorn texted a few letters before putting it away. “She should be here about... now.”
A knock on the door was heard before the twin doors opened revealing the so-called Pony Devil. Needless to say, everypony just gasped upon who it was that appeared before them. It wasn’t out of fear. It was more out of shock and disbelief.
“No way...” Fluttershy whispered.
“It can’t be...” Rarity muttered.
“... Okay, I officially give up,” Rainbow Dash said, slapping her hoof to her face.
“Hi, everypony!” Derpy Hooves greeted as she cheerfully flew into the room. “So what’s the problem?”
Princess Luna poked her head out behind her throne room and just asked, “W-what is the clumsy mailpony doing here? I thought the devil pony was supposed to come?”
“Oh!” Derpy shouted before blushing with embarrassment. “I forgot my horns. One second.” Two small devil-like horns then appeared on her forehead. “There we go.”
Twilight slowly got out of her hiding spot and looked at Derpy with wide eyes. “Derpy... you are the devil pony?”
“Yup! Who else could it be?” Derpy replied with a smile.
“If you really are the devil pony then do you know-” Spike went on before Derpy finished for him.
“That you’ve been using dark magic rituals to cause every single of Rarity’s dates and crushes to end up dying in some horrible messed up ways while sacrificing their souls for me to feast on for eternity? Yup! And I gotta say, they sure are tasty. Especially that Trenderhoof! The way he kept screaming and begging for mercy as I boiled him alive in fried oil before putting some salt on him for that little kick was great! Or that might have been because of the spiked anal beads in his butt. Or the Yoko Ono songs I was playing on my stereo. Or all three.” Derpy said while Spike was doing his best to avoid being glared to death by Rarity.
“Hey, ease off the murder thoughts Rarity, I don’t want to take Spike until he turns five hundred,” Larry warned before turning to Derpy. “Listen, Derpy. We have a problem here. Princess Sun and Moon Butt,” He ignored the glare from Luna while Celestia was... already passed out drunk so everypony ignored her, “just announced that they were retiring from their duties so I’m claiming their souls. While Quill Butt here wants to let them still live.”
“Stop calling me that!” Fausticorn shouted before turning to Derpy. “Listen, Derpy. You owe me for that time when I allowed you to create the parasprites! So you should side with me on this one.”
“Well...” Derpy rubbed her chin.
“I’ll give you muffins!” Death quickly stated.
“In that case-”
“I’ll let you take Rainbow Dash’s soul!”
“What the hay?!” Dash shouted, ripping her hair apart.
“I’ll give you Chick-fil-A Nuggets!”
“Hey, you said I would get Chick-fil-A Nuggets!” Fausticorn shouted, glaring at Larry with her face pushing against his skull.
“Well, that was as then. This is now, sister. Get over it!” Larry growled, pushing back.
“ENOUUUUUUGGGHHHH!” shouted Luna in the Royal Canterlot voice that completely destroyed all the windows in the castle. Everyone focused on her as she rose from her seat and stared down at the three beings with fury in her eyes. “Enough! I’ve had it! Just shut up all of you! Seriously, all my sister and I wanted to do was just finally take the stupid crowns off, go on vacation, and maybe finally get laid. Is that so hard to ask for?! I didn’t ask to be used in a battle against a disgruntled employee who sucks at his job and his bitch of a boss who has an ego the size of her fat flank! The two of you are arguing like a bunch of babies and should just shut up or compromise already!”
She began to take in deep breaths as everypony looked at her. All was quiet for a few minutes until Fausticorn narrowed her eyes and turned to Larry. “Okay, you can take Luna, but Celestia says. Reasonable compromise?” Faust asked.
“Deal!” Larry shouted as the two shook hand and hoof.
“Wait, what?” Luna said as her final words before Death’s Scythe went through her. Her body collapsed like a puppet cut from its strings as her soul floated out of her once living shell. She looked at her corpse and then her ghostly self before sighing. “I should have seen that coming.”
Everypony actually nodded in agreement, save for Celestia who burped. Death twirled his scythe before opening another portal to the afterlife and all its shining glory. “Alright, Nightmare Nuts, get in.”
“There had better be nachos in there is all I can say,” Luna grumbled before she slowly made her way through the gates of heaven and was gone in an instant. Closing the portal, Larry pumped his fist in the air.
“Score! One immortal for me! I’m heading to management right now for that promotion baby!”
“Whatever, I need to go check on that world where Spike is having secret sex with that Changeling Queen. It’s developing quite nicely,” Fausticorn said, as she began to lift herself into the air.
“You’re watching me have what with who?!” Spike demanded in horror.
“Oh, please. I’ve seen you have sex with everypony. You get all the mares. And stallions,” Fausticorn said before she teleported in a blink of an eye.
“Guess I better go too. I’ll see you all back in Ponyville and some of you later in hell,” Derpy cheerfully stated before a wave of fire appeared before her feet and she sunk into it like a sinking ship.
“Yeah, whatever. Again, Dash, Twelve years. Though that’s not as quick as Applejack whose only got five,” Death said slowly fading into a portal of darkness.
“Why the hay are we dyin’ so early in life?!” Applejack shouted, stomping her hooves.
“Eh, blame the author. He’s obsessed with killing characters,” Death said before disappearing.
“I know right? How is he still popular when he does the same thing over and over again?” Pinkie Pie asked out loud which nopony paid attention to.
At this time, Princess Celestia slowly was coming out of her temporary drunk coma and looked around. “What happened?”
“Your sister is dead,” Twilight said, sighing as she summoned some of Celestia’s liquor for her own headache. Right now she wasn’t in the mood to care about anything except getting blacked out.
Celestia looked at Luna’s body and shrugged, “Eh, she wasn’t that popular anyway.”
Author's Note
Like I said, only two chapters. Sorry things didn't update fast enough. Life was busy between the two. Hope you enjoyed!
