Put that crown back where it came from

by Ashfur

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1198

Celestia and Luna announce their retirement. Twilight is having exactly none of it.

Celestia and Luna announce their retirement and their plans to turn the throne and power over Equestria to the mane 6. Unfortunately, this is the last straw for Twilight, and she goes off on a rant about why this isn't a good idea.

Published 2019-03-09 19:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-03-09 19:00:01 UTC

Or so help me

“You're WHAT?!”

The mane 6 let their jaws drop to the floor in unison as Celestia sat atop her throne. The older, yet still regal mare allowed herself a chuckle at the shocked reaction of her close friends. “Yes, you heard me correctly. I, Princess Celestia Sol Invictus, and my sister Luna Luna Invictus,” she paused to enjoy the groan coming from her sister. Noting that she had the same name and title was always a quick way to get on Luna's nerves. “... the two of us are retiring.”

Luna chimed in as the group murmured amongst themselves. “Twilight, we feel that thou and thy friends are more than ready to take up the mantle and rule this fine country. We have been preparing for this moment for quite some time, and-”

“No.”

“We beg thy pardon?”

“No! Buck no!” Twilight stomped her hoof into the floor in a fit of rage. “You think you can just abdicate the throne to us like that? Have you finally lost it?!” Princess Celestia recoiled slightly from her former student's outburst. “And even if you have finally gone bonkers enough to retire to your little royal 401k plan, you'd turn the throne over to US?!”

“Twilight, my faithful student, my fellow princess, my friend. I've lived for thousands of years, and I can tell you six have the qualities needed to rule. Why are you so apprehensive?”

“Oh, I don't know,” Twilight responded, her words dripping with sarcasm. “Maybe because we know nothing about running a country! Seriously, look at us! We're civilians, and five of us are still mortal! We have lives and families! And even if we didn't, do you have any clue what we'd probably do if we were in charge? Any at all?” Twilight raised her wing and motioned for one of her friends to step forward. Rainbow dash took the lead. “Look at Rainbow. Half her popularity the fact that she's a walking 20% cooler meme…”

“Hey!”

“And if you let her, she's the laziest bucking creature this side of the Crystal Empire! If she got put in charge, she wouldn't do anything and just sleep while pawning the work off on somepony else. And if she did decide to get off her lazy flank and actually do more than the bare minimum for something other than a Wonderbolts show, I know for a fact she invariably bucks up on any piece of paperwork you put in front of her. I have to do her taxes, for buck's sake!”

Rainbow tilted her head, glancing at Twilight. “What are taxes? They sound boring. Like, so boring I feel like I'm gonna… fall… asleeeeeeezzzzzzz…” the pegasus fell to the ground with a thud, pushed back to the group by Twilight's magic. She then used that magic to drag Applejack up next.

“Consarnit, Twah! Y'all coulda just asked!”

“Look at this pony. I can describe her entire personality, lifestyle, and thinking process in one word: Apples. Apples for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks… I wouldn't be surprised if she's more apple than mare! And if you put her in a lead role because of her ‘hard work and determination’, you can kiss every holiday goodbye as she makes us work, work, work, apple, apple, apple! And another thing. APPLES!” Twilight turned to grab another friend, only to see that AJ had inexplicably been put back in the group, and was eating an apple. With no warning, Twilight's speaking capabilities were cut off as a cupcake was jammed in her mouth.

“Oh boy oh boy oh boy I get to be in charge?! Oh, this is fantastic and exciting! We should call it fantastasizing! I can make every day a national holiday and we can have non stop parades in every city with streamers and balloons and the government can pay for it from the treasury and we can have ice cream for breakfast and cake for lunch and cookies for dinner and candy everywhere and singing and dancing and I can make Gummy a Duke and everypony would be all ‘gee Gum-gum, what do we do?’ And he'd just blink and everythingwouldbeokayandthenwecanhavepartiesduringpartiesandattendancewouldbemandatoryand” Pinkie blinked out of existence as Twilight finally got her bearings and teleported her home. Oddly, she warped Fluttershy away as well.

“And Fluttershy, that precious little cinnamon roll that just wants to protect her animal friends. Do you really want to throw her into the cesspool that is the nobility? We have to protect her, not corrupt her!” Twilight magicked Flutters back in, placing the timid pegasus at her side and changing her demeanor instantly. “Fluttershy is a wonderful mare and the only one who could replace you, but she's too cute and would cause a diabetes epidemic.”

“Oh… I'm sorry. I'll just go back over there,” Fluttershy whispered.

“I don't see what kind of problems I'd have,” Rarity declared, striding forward with her nose held high. “I have lived amongst the nobility all my life. The only thing I'd do is make the world more fashionable.”

Twilight smirked. “And when everypony is equally fabulous, nopony will be. Beauty will become normal and uninteresting.” Rarity fainted onto her couch as Twilight continued her triade. “And me. Look at me, I run a castle, a library, a school, go on adventures every other week, my schedule is full to the point I have to use the mirror pool to be in two places at once, and I'm only one monster attack away from a bucking mental breakdown! And speaking of monsters, are there any more you conveniently haven't told us yet? After Cozy Glow, is a leaf with googly eyes going to take over the world?! I've had it with your ‘doing what is best’ schtick.” Twilight lifted the princesses’ crowns off of their heads and applied a heavy dose of Arca's super duper, clingier than my stalker glue before slamming the royal finery back down onto their owners’ heads. “Sit your flanks right the buck down and get back to ruling the country, NOW. Luna especially, given her millennia-long vacation. We're going home to prepare for your next mess.” A flash of light, and the group was gone.

“Well, that could have gone better,” lamented Celestia.

“We think we may have sprung this a bit too quickly on them, sister,” Luna concurred, trying to remove her crown. It wouldn't budge.

Suddenly, the doors to the throne room burst open, and a single figure walked in.

“and we can make the trains run on party cannons so I can get back and explain more things I'll do if I'm in charge faster and the guards can all be dressed as clowns except when ponies are afraid of clowns and I can teach everypony about the fourth wall and then the author can end the story because writing me for too long is tiring, and-”

Author's Note

-and I can come into the author's notes and tell you all that originally this was going to have the sisters retire and deal witb a different mane 6 in charge every day for a week, but it was easier as a oneshot, and...