Why am I so kind?

by Lotus Moon

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Sad, Original Character, Suicide / Self Harm, Self Insert
Length: 1064

I’ve pondered so many things...gave so much...maybe I should just stop...

I’ve had so many thoughts run through my head. Thoughts that have stewed. One thought snowballed into another...then another...then another...then rambling...

I’ve had enough. I can’t take it anymore. I just...give up.

The Self Harm tag is just for the context of a certain action in the story content. Though I guess words can be self-harm too...I’m not sure. Anyway, I am not suicidal. I’m just acknowledging the feelings I have for it.

I wrote this in like the span of an hour so if it sounds rough or like rambling or nonsensical, that’s why. Or just...ignore it. Doesn’t matter...

Published 2019-03-10 20:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-05-10 01:42:49 UTC

Why am I so kind?

I walk around my home. The same rooms, the same miscellaneous items layabout. I should be doing something but I don’t feel the urge to. I sit on by my window and just stare out. Stuck with my thoughts.

Why am I so kind? Is it because I’m naive? An airhead? Still childish for being an adult? Is it because I overthink things? Or...

Is it because I believe too hard in the golden rule? “Treat others the way you’d want to be treated”. How do I even want to be treated? How does anyone want to be treated? With respect? Fear? Kindness? Hate? I don’t know...

How do others see me? Like an individual? A joke? A freak? Like someone who can be easily manipulated? Lately, the last one seems to be true. I’m not even sure how I want others to treat me...because I don’t even know how to treat myself.

Do I want respect? Love? Consideration? Kindness? Or...is that just what I was brought up to believe I wanted? What do I really want? It’s been so long since I even considered myself before others. My life holds no real importance...at least to me...

Absently, I get up and walk around more, stopping in front of a mirror. Starring at my tired and ragged face.

How do others see me? I can’t read minds and I’m terrible at reading emotions or faces. People could say one thing and mean another and I’d never know the difference. I just smile...smile...and play the part. Oblivious. Happy. A joker. Someone who can’t say no to anything. Someone who...cares...why do I care?

When I care...do I care too much? Too little? Am I clingy? Too emotionally attached? Am I blind to how others really are because I only see the surface? I’m not sure anymore. In fact...I’m not sure if anything anymore. I’m just stationary. Stuck in one place. Why?

There’s nothing holding me here. So why am I stuck? Why can’t I move? There’s nothing but a void around me. I can walk in any direction. But which is right? Who is right? Who do I trust? Who do I not trust? What am I to do?

I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know anything. I don’t even know who I can trust with these thoughts. Who I can relay them to that won’t betray me. If I should even voice them or keep them locked inside. It’s driving me mad. All the over thinking and insecurity. All the countless days and nights blended together in a fog.

I continue to walk, trailing through every room. Even doubling back a few times.

Why am I so kind? Is it because I see the best in people and refuse to see the bad? Is it because I don’t want to be hated? Is it because...I’m a hypocrite? Because I refuse to face reality? As cruel as reality is, it cannot be ignored forever. Even I know that. But why?

I’m often nothing but smiled and kindness. Guess it’s because I don’t want to “rock the boat” or something. But..why does my kindness...make me a doormat? I’m not something to be trampled over. I’m a real being, alive, with feelings.

Feelings. Ironically, my feelings quite dead now. Towards myself...and the world. But the world doesn’t need my problems or feelings. What does it matter? I’m nothing compared to others. I’m just a...concept of matter. Nothing if relevance since I have nothing to contribute.

Why...was I so kind? Because of blind obligation? Pride? Social normality? Or was it.... because I have hope? I don’t know anymore. I’m never sure of anything anymore. Truth. Lies. Respect. Kindness. Happiness. It’s all a facade. All blending into one spiraling void I can't escape from. I’m so tired. I feel trapped. Cornered. Beaten down so low that I can’t see the light. I’m exhausted...I just want to lay down...but I can’t because...because...I don’t even know why.

I stop in the bathroom and stare at the remains of the shattered mirror. I punched it with my hoof...because I didn’t like what I saw. Some shards, large and small, did manage to cut me. The scars are still there for proof.

I used to laugh and feel genuine happiness. But nothing of who I once was is left. My smiles are a hollow mask and my laughs have turned into screams that can’t be heard. I’d reach out to those who needed a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a hug or even a smile for comfort. But nothing like that ever came back to me. I once had a bright gleam in my eye. That’s long since gone out. Now it’s just dull emptiness. Empty. That’s all I’ve felt. So empty that time blends together into one massive blob. Here and there I feel a spark of something..but it never lasts. Maybe the reason for that is because...I let invisible chains bind me and I never acknowledged them. They’re so heavy. So heavy I can’t stay on the surface. I’m drowning.

Drowning...deep into the murky darkness...it’s so thick I can’t even pull myself back up for air. My lungs hurt, my blood rushes, my heart races. But I can’t fight. I gave up fighting. It’s too tedious to fight against.

I step out onto my balcony and sit quietly. All the noise around me just sounds like static. I’m just alone. As I’ve always been.

Why was I kind? Because I thought if I was kind, then maybe I’d be accepted. That others around me would see the good in me as I thought I saw in them. But in the end, all I found was just pain. How many betrayals have I endured up to this point, yet still held onto hope? Hope is a lie. I’m as lonely as I’ve ever been before. Maybe this is how it’s meant to be. I can’t help others and it feels like nothing can help me. So I’ll continue to drown...deep into darkness...loneliness...confusion...despair. No one can help me. No one ever will.

Around me, the world will go on....till it finally all burns away.

As I watch the sunset and the moon rise, I drag my hooves against the floor as I walk back into my home. My still...quiet...lonely home. My void. My death.

Epilogue

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