Best Left Forgotten

Wallflower rolled back and forth on the mattress, her eyes wide open. As completely exhausted as she was, she could not allow herself to fall asleep. Suffering through the nightmares just wasn’t worth it.

She flipped back over, the comforter bunching up as she did, bunching up like her dress had that night, right before he ripped it open—right before he ripped her open.

“Mmmph...” Groaning, Wallflower buried her face in the pillow. She couldn’t keep thinking about that, otherwise she would never be able to... To what, sleep? She didn’t even want to sleep.

On the couch below, Sunset was snoring just loud enough to be heard up on the loft. Wallflower frowned. It must be nice to be able to sleep like that. If she lay on her side with her ear to the pillow, Sunset’s snores almost sounded like his grunts as he—

“Gahh!” Wallflower lifted her head and slammed it back into the pillow, whimpering. She couldn’t ignore this. The memory was in her now, and there was nothing she could do about it. There was no escaping it, no fighting it, no erasing it. All she could do was wait for it to be over. Her breathing faltered when she realized a horrible truth—it would never be over. Anything and everything was going to remind her of it, every single day, for the rest of her life.

If there was no use fighting it, she may as well let it have her. Trying to ignore it was only making her more exhausted, and she had quite a few hours to go before the sun came up. With a shaky sigh, Wallflower allowed herself to succumb to the memories, letting them drag her back to that spot on the couch where he had taken her.

She frowned, shifting beneath the comforter. No, that wasn’t right. There was no reason to be prudish about it now, so why bother calling it anything other than what it was? She’d said it earlier to Sunset, so why was now any different? At the time, something about the bluntness of the word had made Wallflower feel a little better, but only for a moment. She slammed her head on the pillow again.

She never screamed or fought or called for help, not when he pushed her over or even when he ripped her clothes off. She gave in the second she got scared, just like she always did, and now she was paying the price for it. He probably didn’t even realize anything was wrong, because she was too scared and stupid to say anything.

She cried out and thrashed around on the mattress, kicking the comforter off the bed entirely.

“Can’t sleep?”

Wallflower squinted as the lamp beside her turned on. Sunset was standing beside the bed, rubbing her eyes and still wearing the clothes from the day before. Her hair was an absolute mess as she sat on the edge of the bed.

“Don’t want to,” Wallflower said, her voice low.

Sunset pulled her legs up onto the mattress, sitting cross-legged. “Is it the nightmares?” she asked.

Wallflower could only nod.

Sunset stared at her with those deep blue eyes. “Hey, can I ask you something?”

Wallflower looked away. “What?”

“Who was he?”

Sunset’s question left Wallflower frozen like a deer in headlights. If Sunset wanted to know who he was, that meant she would want to find him, and if she did, Wallflower would probably see him again. Nothing frightened her more.

“I don’t want to talk about him,” she said.

Sunset’s expression didn’t change at all. “Why not?” she asked.

“Why not—?” Wallflower face reddened as she threw her hands up. “Why do you think, Sunset?!”

“Wallflower.” Sunset’s voice was as soft and patient as always. “I just want to understand.”

“I want you to understand!” Wallflower snapped back. “I never want to s-see him again!”

Sunset nodded, unflinching. “And that’s okay. I promise I won’t go looking for him unless you want me to.”

“Yes you will. If not you, then one of your friends,” Wallflower droned.

“I'm being honest, Wallflower,” Sunset sighed. “I’m sure it feels near-impossible to trust anyone right now, but please, please believe me when I say I will not share a word of this to anyone.”

Wallflower pressed herself against the headrest, her breathing ragged. Just like with him, just like with her memories of that night, there was no escaping this conversation.

“You don’t even have to say his name,” Sunset said. “Just... I need to know what happened. I’m afraid that if I don’t, I may accidentally say or do something that really hurts you.”

Wallflower crossed her arms. “He... He was just some jerk I barely even knew,” she said. “He asked me to the Spring Fling, a-and—I don't even like guys, but I guess I figured I could make myself more 'normal,' and I-I’d never been asked to anything before, let alone a dance.” Wallflower closed her eyes with a shivering sigh. “I should’ve known what h-he...”

“Shhh, hey.” Sunset scooted closer to her. “It’s not your fault.”

“It is my fault!” Wallflower shouted, tears stinging her eyes. “I said yes to the dance, I let him into my home!”

Sunset opened her mouth to interject, but Wallflower silenced her with another scream. “I let him have me! I never even...” She balled herself up, hugging the pillow as cries broke through her words. “I never s-said no...”

“You never said yes.”

"Sunset—"

Sunset kept speaking, her voice as steady as ever. “And you told him to get off you, you tried—”

“Would you shut up?!” Wallflower threw the pillow as hard as she could at Sunset, who effortlessly caught it and put it down beside her. Wallflower immediately fell forward, whimpering out words between heaving sobs. “H-he... I n-never fought him, Sunset. Not once he started t-to...”

“You were scared, Wallflower,” Sunset said.

“I-I was, yeah. I was scared.” Wallflower held her chest, trying to take deep breaths. “But I still should’ve done something. I didn’t even try, n-not even when he... He...”

“You don’t have to say it.”

“Why not?” Wallflower said between sobs.

“Because it’ll hurt,” Sunset said. “It’s a horrible word, and a horrible thing to do to someone.”

Wallflower wiped her eyes. “I deserved it,” she said. “I was stupid enough to—”

“You are not stupid, Wallflower,” Sunset said firmly. “And no one deserves to go through that.”

“Deserves what?” Wallflower couldn’t bring herself to look at Sunset. “Getting fucked?”

That made Sunset stiffen up a bit. After a beat, she spoke up again. “I feel like you’re using that word to make it seem like this isn’t a big deal.”

“It really isn’t. People get fucked all the time.” Even as she tried to sound apathetic, Wallflower felt her skin crawl.

“Wallflower, you...” Sunset moved so Wallflower was looking at her. “You know this wasn’t that kind of thing. What he did to you...”

Wallflower knew what Sunset was about to say, and her stomach dropped.

“It was rape,” Sunset said, her voice breathless.

“No.”

“I know it’s an awful thing to hear,” Sunset said, “but you have to be honest with yourself about what happened.”

“It wasn’t that.” Wallflower shook her head.

“He forced himself on you, Wallflower.”

“That—no!” Wallflower turned away, her face burning. “That d-doesn’t make it...” Her words died on her lips as she shut her eyes tight, crossing her arms.

“Wallflower...” Sunset still sounded so calm, and Wallflower couldn't stand it. “You were crying. I saw it.”

“Yeah, y-you did,” Wallflower said. “And what else did you see?”

Sunset looked confused. “What else?”

“I was crying. And then I...” Wallflower whispered into the air so quietly that she could barely hear herself. “Then I was gasping, and shaking a-and...”

She felt Sunset move beside her. “Wallflower, that wasn’t—”

"I didn't want to, Sunset..." She hugged herself, whimpering. "I-I didn't want to, but it happened anyway..."

Sunset didn't reply, and Wallflower could hardly blame her. There was nothing she could say that would help.

“If it was what you said it was...” Wallflower’s eyes lost focus as she stared at the wall, shuddering as she remembered the smoldering sensation that had run through her. “Then why did I-I... Why did I feel like that? Why...?”

Sunset remained completely silent. Wallflower kept staring at the wall, her vision blurring further as her eyes watered. She was honestly surprised that she still had any tears left to cry at this point.

Then, Sunset sighed, turning to face Wallflower. “That was... It was out of your control,” she said. “Bodies react to stimuli, whether we want them to or not.”

“Please don't try to act like it was some normal thing."

“Of course it was normal,” Sunset said. “It’s just like when you get a bruise and it hurts. The body feels things in response to what’s happening to it, and it can be really... Inconsiderate, I guess. Especially when talking about the, uhh... The reproductive parts...” Sunset’s voice trailed off.

Wallflower wiped the tears from her cheeks. “I... I don’t know. Maybe you're right, but... I don't know. I don’t know anything anymore.”

“Wallflower.”

“H-huh?” She looked over and saw Sunset staring at her, eyes wide with some horrible realization.

“It happened after the Spring Fling, right?” Sunset asked. “Over a month ago?”

“Uhm... A little over a month, yeah,” Wallflower said. “Sunset, you’re kinda scaring me—”

“Wallflower, when was your last period?”

“I...” Wallflower blinked. “Before...” All at once, her breath left her.

In an instant, Sunset stood up and started pacing. “I’ll go to the pharmacy first thing tomorrow morning,” she said. "They have tests there." Her confidence was undercut by an unmistakable shakiness in her words.

“S-Sunset...?” Wallflower's voice was impossibly soft, and she felt as if the entire world had fallen into slow motion.

“You’re probably okay,” Sunset said. “It’s not that irregular for cycles to have wider ranges sometimes.”

“Sunset...”

“You’re gonna be fine. It’ll be okay, and... And even if—huh?” Sunset stopped talking when Wallflower grabbed her hand. Wallflower lightly pulled Sunset back to the mattress, where she sat back down beside her.

Wallflower trembled a little as she rested her head against Sunset. “You made me promise to tell you if I ever wanted to give up.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I did.” She felt Sunset put an arm around her, and she could immediately tell that her friend was just as scared as she was.

Wallflower let out a slow, shallow exhale. “I-I want to give up,” she said.

Sunset held her a little tighter. “I know.”

“Thank you,” Wallflower said. “For letting me stay here. For everything, really. But... But I don't think I can do this...”

“We’re going to get you through it, no matter what,” Sunset said. “I know we will. We just have to take things one step at a time.”

As she allowed herself to fall a little further into Sunset’s embrace, Wallflower realized she was starting to drift into unconsciousness. So many hours without rest were finally catching up to her, and yet for the first time in weeks, she wasn’t afraid to go to sleep.

Wallflower closed her eyes, sighing. “One step at a time,” she whispered.