Warm and fuzzy. If she had been asked to describe how she was feeling at that moment, that's what Starlight would have said.
As she lay curled up beside Rarity under a thick bundle of blankets, a mug of hot cocoa held in her hoof, and listening to the wind and rain of late Winter lash against the windowpanes, with the gentle flickering of the fire keeping captivated her gaze, Starlight Glimmer sighed happily.
Warm.
Warm and fuzzy.
In the couple of months it had been since she had finally managed to pluck up the courage to admit to her friends about her depression, Starlight had never been allowed to wallow in her own company for too long. One after another, each of her close friends had offered to have her round to stay for a while and, after having spent a fun but tiring fortnight with the Apple family, which concluded with a weekend of hillside camping, Starlight was enjoying the relative simplicity and peace of a few days with Rarity - for whom the idea of camping in any weather, let alone in the snow, wind and sleet of the end of Winter, was an anathema.
Instead, the fashionista had treated Starlight to a number of rather more 'indoorsy' pursuits, including a day at the Ponyville spar, a meal at a fancy restaurant in Manehatten (Starlight couldn't quite remember the name, but she felt sure it was something along the lines of 'Witherspoons'), and any number of cosy fireside chats. Over the past few days, Starlight felt as though she had really got to know her fellow unicorn friend, far more so than she had before, and their friendship was stronger than ever.
But Starlight still didn't fully understand something which Rarity had said to her in private following her first tentative calls for help - in the form of an anonymous note - and, as the two of them lay curled up together in companionable silence, Starlight decided that now was the time to ask.
After composing her thoughts carefully, she asked quietly, "Do you remember, a couple of months ago, when I first told you about how I was feeling?"
Turning to glance up at her friend for a moment, Rarity nodded in reply.
"Well," Starlight continued, "You said something then that I didn't really notice at the time - I suppose I was feeling rather overwrought, and wasn't really taking things in properly - but I've since realised what it was you said."
Rarity lay her head gently onto Starlight's shoulder, murmuring, "What was it, darling?"
"I remember you saying," began Starlight, "when I told you how I was feeling, that you had been where I was then, and that you knew how hard it was to carry on. And that you knew the way to climb back out of the hole, so to speak."
She paused, thinking again. Rarity stayed silent.
Eventually, Starlight carried on. "I didn't really notice what you'd said at the time, certainly not enough to fully understand what you were implying. But now. . . I've had such a lovely time, staying with you, Rarity. And I feel like I've really got to know you, and you're even more generous than I thought. You're a good pony, and I can't bear that thought that you were ever - that you ever felt how I felt."
Beside her, Rarity sighed, as though remembering past regrets. It was a long while before she spoke, and when she did, it was with a faint, uncertain tone which Starlight had not previously heard from the self-assured unicorn. "Yes, I was depressed at one time. Unlike you, I knew exactly what had brought it on, but that didn't make it any easier to 'climb back out'. It took a long time, and a lot of support from my family. This was before I moved to Ponyville, you see, and so I didn't know any of our current friends at the time."
She sighed again, and Starlight recognised something of herself in the white mare. Hesitantly, she murmured, "Whatever it was, it still bothers you sometimes, doesn't it?"
Rarity nodded silently. Starlight wrapped a hoof around her shoulders, comfortingly. "Would you like to talk about it? It's okay, if you'd rather not!" she added, hurriedly, knowing how uncomfortable some ponies were when it came to talking about their feelings. "But I know now that a problem shared is a problem halved, and all that. And I'm your friend, Rarity, so it there's anything I can do to help. . ."
She trailed off, and for some minutes the two unicorns sat in silence, listening to the rain spattering against the windows, hearing the rushing of the wind in the leaves, and watching the entrancing, flickering glow of the fire.
As the Ponyville town clock began solemnly striking nine in the distance, Rarity cleared her throat in a genteel, feminine manner, and began to speak, almost whispering so quietly that Starlight could barely hear what she was saying. "You must promise me that you'll never tell a soul what I'm about to tell you. You must take my secret with you to the grave, and you must never, ever tell anypony. Can you do that for me, Starlight?"
Concerned, confused, and not a little alarmed, Starlight hesitated for a moment, before replying, "You can trust me, Rarity. I won't tell anypony."
A few moments passed, broken only by Rarity muttering, as if in a dream, "Trust. . . so important and yet so undervalued. . ."
Again, a long silence, as the white unicorn composed her thoughts. Starlight said nothing, but could feel her heart racing with uncertainty over what her friend might be about to reveal.
After almost ten minutes, Rarity finally spoke. "There are many types of depression, Starlight, some more common than others. . . There is one sort which only occurs after a foal is born. That is what I had."
"But, surely -"
Starlight's train of thought was interrupted as Rarity cut in, "Yes, Starlight. I am a mother - and nopony can ever, ever know. . ."
The pink unicorn's mind was reeling at this revelation, and it took her some time to understand what Rarity was implying. "You're a mother, Rarity? But then, who's your. . ."
She couldn't quite bring herself to say 'who is your child' - surely Rarity couldn't be a mother? Surely not! She was still so young. . .
Rarity snorted, saying bluntly, "It's alright, darling. I know what you're thinking. Will you think any less of me, when you know the full truth? Who knows. . ?"
Silence fell, eventually broken almost inaudibly by Rarity. "Sweetie Belle, Starlight. Sweetie Belle is my daughter. . . all these years I've pretended she was my sister, and nopony has ever suspected. . ."
Starlight, still astounded almost beyond belief, stammered, "B-but, but how? How did you manage t-to - to keep that a secret for so long?"
Rarity smiled, mirthlessly. "It was easy, really - almost too easy. As soon as I knew I was. . . pregnant, I told my parents. They were horrified, of course, because I was only fifteen. . . it was all just a stupid mistake on my part. I was young, and foolish, and could turn all the colts' heads. I became careless, slept around. . . it was only a matter of time."
She fell silent, and Starlight felt compelled to ask, "What happened then? If you're still alright to tell me, I mean," she added hastily.
"No, it's alright," Rarity sighed. "I've told you this much, and I know I can trust you. . . Well, my parents and I had a long, long discussion about what would be the best course of action. They're only simple ponies, but I've always loved my mother and father very much, and never more so than after that night. Instead of being mad at me, they felt sorry for me. . . they understood. . ."
In the short silence which followed, Starlight used her magic to levitate some more lumps of coal onto the fire, taking extra care to avoid letting any coaldust fall onto the immaculate carpet. For a few minutes the two ponies sat in silence, watching the flames, orange, red and gold, licking up the chimney.
After a while, Rarity continued. "We decided that, for the sake of my reputation - I had already decided that I wished to be a fashion designer, and such scandal so early on in my life would ruin me, if it ever got out - that I should keep away from other ponies until after I gave birth, after which my parents would claim the foal as their own. . . I would treat the filly or colt as though he or she were my sibling, rather than my foal.
"So when little Sweetie Belle was born at home, nopony except myself and my parents knew that she wasn't actually their foal, but their grandfoal. I never even told her father. . .
"Shortly after I gave birth, I began feeling very emotional, irritable, and tired all of the time. I was so, so sad. . . Eventually my parents took me to see a doctor, and she told me that I was suffering from depression. I think she knew, really, that we weren't telling her the whole story, but if she ever guessed that the little filly in the pushchair outside was my daughter, she never let on.
"As soon as I was old enough, I moved to Ponyville. I couldn't bear to spend any longer than absolutely necessary in the town where I had been so utterly, utterly stupid. My parents suggested that Sweetie Belle live with me on a part-time basis - she would come to stay with me for long periods of time, but still officially be living with my parents. That way I could be with my daughter without anypony suspecting that she wasn't my sister. . ."
She fell silent, evidently deep in thought. Starlight wrapped her hoof more firmly around her friend's shoulders, and pulled her in close. They sat in silence for some minutes, before Starlight whispered, "I won't tell I soul, Rarity. You can trust me completely. . . and if you're ever feeling down about any of this - or anything else, for that matter - I'll always be there for you."
Rarity smiled wanly, and nuzzled her friend lovingly. "Thank you, darling. It's such a relief, in a way, to have told somepony. I've never told anypony about any of this before, you see, not even our other friends. You're the only one who knows. . ."
Starlight considered all that Rarity had told her. It made sense, really - Sweetie Belle didn't really look anything like her 'parents', especially her eyes - both of Rarity's parents had blue eyes, as did Rarity herself, but Sweetie's were green - so presumably Sweetie's father had green eyes too. It explained why the little filly seemed to spend so much time with her ever-busy sister, rather than with the ponies everypony assumed were her parents. . .
After some time, the pink unicorn spoke up. "You know, Rarity, I'm really impressed that you'd feel able to tell somepony about this."
"Oh, that's alright, darling," Rarity replied, glancing up into Starlight eyes. "You're one of my closest friends, and I know I can trust you. It's nice not to be the only pony who knows."
And with that, the two ponies snuggled up on the sofa, sipped away at their cocoas, and enjoyed the sound of the storm outside. They had trusted each other with their darkest, most hidden fears and concerns, and could face the future knowing that each had the other's back.
Trust, thought Starlight. The sign of true friendship is trust.
Author's Note
(This story is a prequel to Yellow.)
