You Can't Extinguish the Sun!
Another day had almost come to a close for Celestia. Day Court was almost finished and she would have dinner with Luna before her sister began her nightly duties. She had just spoken with a young noble who had run away from home and needed some bits to get back on his feet. When Celestia asked why he had run away, he said that he couldn’t bear to see his family be mean to other ponies anymore. Celestia gave him a bag of bits and a paper that said that he could stay in the Hooves Hotel until he turned 18. Celestia smiled as she thought of the look on the little pony’s face when he walked away. She was ready to talk the last pony.
A stallion walked in, looking unsure of himself. Celestia smiled warmly to let him know he was welcome here. He slowly and quietly walked up to Celestia.
“I'm Knit Wit, your majesty, and I have something to ask you.”
“What is it, Knit Wit?”
“Can you extinguish the sun?”
Celestia blinked and wondered if that question had actually been asked. “I’m sorry, can you please repeat that?”
“Can you please extinguish the sun, Princess?”
Yep, it had been. It took a whole minute before Celestia could manage to register his unbelievably stupid question. “Why do you want me to do that?”
“Well, I'm going to the beach tomorrow, and I always put on sunscreen, but I get sunburned regardless. I would like you to extinguish the sun tomorrow at 10 AM so that my vacation won't be ruined by a sunburn.”
It took 10 minutes before Celestia could respond to such an ignorant statement. The silence in the courtroom was unsettling for the ponies watching the session take place. But the look in Knit Wit’s eyes told Celestia that he wasn't joking. He really was that stupid.
“I’m afraid I'm not able to do that, Knit Wit.”
“Yes, you can.”
“No, I can't. Extinguishing the sun is impossible to do. Even I am not capable of such a feat.”
“But this really cute mare in Ponyville told me you could.”
“What was the mare’s name?” Celestia prayed to Faust that it wasn't Twilight.
“Derpy!”
Celestia had to use all her self control not to face hoof. She thought Derpy was a really sweet mare, but she definitely wasn't the brightest bulb in the box. The fact that anypony believed such a ludicrous statement made Celestia want to lock herself in her chambers with 5 bottles of wine. She took a deep breath. This will all be over in 5 minutes, she thought.
“Knit Wit, Derpy isn't exactly the most, reliable pony in Equestria. She's a kind mare, but she gets her facts mixed up sometimes.”
“Ok, I have one more question, your highness.”
“Go ahead.”
“Why can't you extinguish the sun?”
At that moment, Celestia stopped time, ran to the castle’s reasonably large kitchen, and gulped down a bottle of moonshine. She wanted to go for a second, but being drunk in public wouldn't be good for her image. Besides, she couldn't keep this spell going much longer. She teleported back to her courtroom and un-stopped time.
Knit Wit was looking at her with big, round eyes. They looked so expectant, they rivaled her former student’s eyes when Celestia was about to tell her a story before she went to bed. As much as Celestia just wanted to banish him to the moon until he learned what that weird thing inside his head was, she couldn't. Not with those eyes. And it would also go against her morals and kind nature. Celestia took a deep breath and answered, “The sun is pretty much a big ball of fire. It is also very high up, higher than anypony has ever flown before. So any water dumped onto the surface on the sun would quickly turn into water vapor, doing absolutely nothing to extinguish the sun’s flames. Not to mention anypony who gets to close enough to it will die of heat stroke. And even if it was possible to extinguish the sun, doing so would affect the growth of crops all over Equestria. So do you really want me to extinguish the sun now?”
Knit Wit was confused. He barely understood anything that Princess Celestia has just said except for the last part. “Not really,” he answered quietly.
“Very well. Then I suppose I'll send you on your way.”
Knit Wit smiled, thanked Celestia for her time and attempted to leave the room. However, he had forgotten how doors worked and had walked into the courtroom door while it was still closed. The impact somehow managed to knock him unconscious.
Celestia thought about going over to help, (she knew the other ponies in the room wouldn't get off their lazy plots if it was their mother lying unconscious on the ground. The nobles could be so annoying at times.) however, just as she was about to get up, Twilight Sparkle suddenly teleported to the middle of the courtroom. Celestia was confused. Did Twilight actually teleport all the way to Canterlot from her castle in Ponyville? Teleporting large distances was difficult, even Celestia could only teleport a mile with her own magic. Celestia decided that now was a bad time to ask her former student HOW she got to the middle of her courtroom so quickly, she was more focused on the reason WHY she was in the middle of her courtroom.
“Twilight?! What are you doing here?”
“Wait, what are YOU doing here?”
“What in Equestria are you talking about? I live here!”
“So you haven't been taken hostage?”
“Not in the last year or so. What gave you the idea what I was?”
Twilight squirmed around a little. “Um, maybe you should look outside.”
Celestia walked to a courtroom window and saw that it was half day, and half night. The conversation with Knit Wit she had had earlier took up so much of her attention that she hadn't even realized that it was time to lower the sun. She figured Luna got sick of waiting and just raised the moon with the sun still up.
Twilight joined her mentor at the window and said, “The last time you were taken hostage (and I wasn't kidnapped with you), the sun and moon were up at the same time. I figured you probably need help, so I teleported here. Also, it's past Spike’s bedtime and he gets cranky if he doesn't get his sleep. So I also came down here to ask you to lower the sun so Spike and the other ponies of the world, including myself, can get some sleep.”
Celestia was too worn out to respond. She lowered the sun, and was about to lock herself in her chambers with 5 bottles of wine when she noticed that Knit Wit had woken up. Great.
The stallion looked around, the last thing he remembered was walking into the courtroom. He had no memory of anything that had just happened. So, being the dimwit he was, decided to ask his question again. “Princess Celestia, can you extinguish the sun?”
This time, Celestia couldn't resist the urge to facehoof. She had been though a lot in the last hour or so, and she was NOT about to experience it again. Then, she had an idea. “That’s a question you should ask Princess Twilight Sparkle.”
The purple mare turned around, not knowing of the pain that she was about to endure. Celestia teleported them both outside of the courtroom. She could hear the faint sounds of conversation outside the door. Celestia knew she would have to apologize to Twilight for this, but for now, after dismissing the ponies who came to watch, all she wanted to do was try to forget any of this ever happened. I really need a drink, she thought.
Author's Note
Here's the first Comedy Week story. Hope you liked it! Also, make sure to comment below which story you'd like to see next. MUST BE A ONE-SHOT SFW COMEDY. First comment gets a shoutout!
PS: Be sure to check out the sequel: The Moon Is Not Made Of Cheese!
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