A Typical Day Of Crusading
“Look you can't just call anything that is in a bun a taco, that's not how tacos work.” Twilight stated, glaring down at her unperturbed assistant.
Spike shrugged. “Look, all I’m saying is a hotdog definitely isn't a sandwich right?”
“Obviously.” Twilight exclaimed with barely contained exasperation.
“And it obviously is not a burger, or anything like that so that only leaves us with a taco.” Spike threw up his hands. “It's the only explanation.”
“Okay, I know a hot dog is held like a taco, but that doesn't make it a taco.” Twilight frowned. “That would be like saying anything put into a bun is a taco. Besides, hot dogs are like one thing in a bun, a taco has like a bunch of stuff.”
“Can a taco just be a bunch of lettuce in a taco shell?” Spike asked, raising an eyebrow.
Twilight opened her mouth to speak only to frown. “This conversation is stupid.”
“Your stupid.” Spike shot back.
Twilight frowned even harder, glaring at her assistant until a cough startled her out of her rage. Turning around, the unicorn noticed that several feet away were three young ponies, one of which was locked in a cage that appeared to have been made for a cat. “Uh, can I help you girls?” Twilight asked.
The closest child, whom was a pegasus named Scootaloo, took a step forward and cleared her throat. “Uh hey, we aren't interrupting anything are we?” She asked, glancing nervously to her other friend, which was an earth pony named Applebloom.
Twilight shrugged. “Just the stupidest conversation I’ve had all week.”
“I don't know about that, just yesterday you tried to convince me to invest in smell o vision.” Spike retorted with a snort.
“Think about it Spike! You could smell like you were in the movie.” Twilight growled. “But that's not what were talking about. What did you need help with? A book about how to make cages by chance?”
“I mean that would be nice, but I don't think we have the time for that.” Applebloom interjected, motioning over her shoulder to where the third filly named Sweetie Belle sat contently in the cage. “Our friend needs your help.”
Spike and Twilight exchanged an odd glance. “With what exactly?” Spike asked. “Getting out of a cat carrier? Cus I think you girls know how to do that.”
“Sweetie Belle is possessed by a demon.” Scootaloo stated in a normal tone of voice, as if she was mentioning something obvious that was not at all distressing.
“Huh.” Twilight muttered, staring at the filly crammed into the cat carrier.
Sweetie Belle waved her hoof as much as she could. “Hey Twilight.”
Spike lifted a non existent eyebrow. “What kind of demon?”
“I don't know. All shes done so far is gorge herself on cheesecake and demand we do all her homework.” Applebloom began, only to be interrupted when Sweetie Belle’s eyes suddenly began to glow bright gold, wisps of smoke emanating from the corners thereof.
“Of course I am not going to do paperwork on my vacation!” The filly boomed in a voice that sounded like cross between an avalanche and rolling thunder.
“Okay then.” Twilight muttered. “That's a nice illusion spell and voice amplification spell, Sweetie but I don't think that quite counts as demonic possession.”
Sweetie Belle groaned. “But Twilight, I don't know how to cast those spells.” The filly whined, clutching her stomach. “Do you have any cheesecake? The demon is super hungry and I feel like I’m gonna die if I don't get a slice of like right now.”
Spike saluted. “I got it.” He said, before turning and heading in the direction of the kitchen.
“I suppose you are right... last time I tutored Sweetie you couldn't even conjure light without almost popping a blood vessel.” Twilight remarked.
The unicorn’s friends snickered, while the mare herself receded further into her cat carrier, a blush on her face. “Twiliiight. You said you wouldn't tell anyone about that.”
“What? I never said that.” Twilight smiled. “Besides, it was just a spell induced bout of extreme flatulence, it wasn't that bad.”
Her friends laughed louder, and Sweetie Belle covered her face, hiding the massive blush that spread across her cheeks.
“So, uh about our friend.” Applebloom muttered after forcing herself to stop laughing.
“I guess we should do something about that.” Twilight murmured, tapping her chin while deep in thought.
Before the unicorn could offer anything Spike returned with a slice of cheesecake on a dainty white plate. “Here we are, one slice of cheesecake for the demonicly possessed filly.”
“Finally!” The thunder avalanche voice yelled, before a golden aura overtook the plate and shoved the entire slice into the filly’s mouth.
The rest of the group watched in awe as the demon chewed and swallowed the entire piece before the filly’s eyes suddenly returned to normal once more. Sweetie Belle looked down at the empty plate and frowned. “Daw, I didn't even get to taste it, stupid demon.”
“Your stupid!” The voice suddenly yelled, the filly’s body jerking upwards as her eyes glowed for a single moment.
“No you!” The filly yelled back.
The rest of the ponies sat and stared as the pony seemed to argue with herself, her eyes glowing and fading rapidly as she went back and forth with the demon. After a while watching the two argue lost it's appeal and seeing that this argument was going nowhere, Twilight cast a zone of silence over the entire cat carrier. “There we are.” She announced proudly, watching as the demon and the pony continued to yell at one another, only for their words to not be heard save for each other.
“So, can you help our friend?” Applebloom asked.
“Yeah, cus I Sweetie Belle already had a bit of a weight issue, and I don't think all these cheesecakes are helping her cottage cheese thighs.” Scootaloo added.
“Not cool.” Applebloom shot back.
The pegasus merely shrugged. “What? It's true.”
“Still not cool.” Applebloom relented.
Twilight choose to ignore that little back and forth entirely and pushed out any thought of cottage cheese fillies from her mind. “Well I’m sorry to say that I can't do an exorcism.” She sighed. “The class I needed to complete in order to get my exorcist license filled up, and is only available once a year under the light of a full moon when saturn is in retrograde.”
The two fillies both dawed in unison, looking down at the floor as worry swirled in their hearts.
“Why not ask Derpy?” Spike interjected. “She’s always willing to help exorcise a demon.”
“Oh thats right!” Twilight exclaimed. “And I have a whole basket of muffins I was saving! This is perfect!”
“Wait, since when is Derpy an exorciser?” Scootaloo asked.
“Exorcist.” Applebloom corrected.
“Whatever.”
“Since forever.” Spike replied with a shrug. “From as far back as I can remember Derpy has always been our go to exorcist, she was invaluable when Twilight was taking her demonology course.”
“Totally.” Twilight agreed. “She's Ponyville’s leading expert in demons, and muffins and that which we cannot speak of.”
The two young ponies shared a look before shrugging. “So…” Applebloom began, glancing over Twilight’s shoulder where a basket of muffins sat at a nearby table. “Where do we find Derpy at a time like this anyway and why do we need a basket of muffins?”
“Oh you don't find Derpy, she finds you.” Spike explained.
“Exactly, and to do that you need a basket of muffins and a ritual.” Twilight added, levitating over the basket of muffins and placing it on the floor.
“A ritual?” Scootaloo scoffed. “We don't need a ritual to summon her. Derpy is a pony, she ain't that which we cannot speak of.”
Twilight grinned and leaned close to the filly. “Oh, but do you have any proof of that?” She tapped her nose and nodded when Scootaloo couldn't muster an answer. “That's what I thought.”
“Alright, everypony turn around and stand back. She needs enough room to apparate and can't be directly observed.” Spike remarked, doing as he instructed and turning his back to the basket after taking a few steps away from it.
“Err okay.” Applebloom murmured, noticing that both Twilight and Scootaloo had done the same. As an after thought the earth pony turned Sweetie Belle’s cat carrier away as well, positioning it a good distance from the impromptu circle they had made.
“Alright, are you all looking away?” Twilight asked.
A chorus of affirmations was all the evidence she needed and the unicorn nodded. “Okay, onto the ritual.” The unicorn cleared her throat loudly. “Alas, I am too full to eat these muffins! If only there was someone somewhere that could help me with this bounty of delicious baked goodness.”
“Oooh they look nice.” Derpy murmured. “I’ll totally help you with that Twilight.”
The four beings turned around to find the wall eyed mare peering within the basket, having apparently aparated without a sound or even any sort of fanfare. “What the....” Scootaloo muttered in disbelief.
“Heck.” Applebloom finished.
Spike and Twilight however, seemed nonplussed by the appearance of the grey mare, and merely greeted her warmly. “Hey Derpy, we got a favor to ask you.”
“Just let me check out what you all got here for a second.” She murmured, the mare’s nose buried in the basket. After a few seconds of near silence in which the only noise was Derpy rummaging around in the basket, she stopped and stood back up, a smile on her face. “Three banana nut, two double chocolate and even a blueberry. Nice job.” She picked up one of the muffins at random and inspected it closely. “This will be a more than acceptable payment.”
“Lemme guess, we aren't going to talk about this at all are we?” Applebloom asked.
Derpy tossed back a muffin and began to chew loudly, though that did not stop her from talking, albeit in such a manner that made her every word completely unintelligible.
“Oh, don't worry I studied mouthful as an elective.” Twilight offered. “She's asking what you girls were doing when Sweetie Belle got possessed by a demon.”
“Oh come on, she just appeared in the middle of the room! How is no one else freaked out about this?” Applebloom lamented.
“We were just trying to send a letter to princess Celestia.” Scootaloo replied, earning her a groan from Applebloom.
Derpy muttered something else that was incomprehensible, which Twilight quickly translated. “What about?” Twilight asked.
“We wanted to ask her to ban homework.” Scootaloo responded, puffing out her chest.
“Aww that's adorable.” Spike replied with a suitably appropriate daww.
Scootaloo’s eyes narrowed and she glared daggers at the dragon. “This is not cute, multiple studies have come out that show that not only is homework not helpful, but it's actually detrimental to a growing mind’s overall health and well being!”
“Yeah!” Applebloom added. “And it sucks!”
The pegasus filly elbowed her friend. “Come on A.B we practiced this.”
“Oh right.” The earth pony cleared her throat. “And it's allowed the boundary between school and home to become blurred to the point that family life suffers! We demand the emancipation of our brothers and sisters from the tyranny of homework!”
Derpy nodded sagely and mumbled more nonsense, bits of banana nut muffin shooting everywhere.
“She says it's a noble goal but she doubts that our underfunded and overburdened school system can even properly function with such a limitation.” Twilight translated.
The filly’s deflated somewhat, with even Sweetie Belle having apparently dropped her argument with the demon and was now listening to the adult’s conversation with interest. “Well…” Applebloom murmured. “We gotta try right?”
Spike shrugged. “Nothing changes unless you try.” he remarked.
Derpy shrugged as well and spewed a few words and equally as many muffin bits.
“She says to show us where you were trying to send the letter as she wants to see what kind of circle you girls made.” Twilight translated.
“It was back in our clubhouse at the farm.” Applebloom replied.
“And we used the book on letter sending we got from the library.” Scootaloo added.
“You mean the one that's overdue by a month?” Twilight asked, eyes narrowing.
“Err, maybe?” Scootaloo offered weakly.
Whatever argument that was about to crop up was quickly shut down by the strange voice of the demon popping up again. “I demand cakes!” It cried, the filly’s eyes glowing a bright gold as it struggled against the meagre bars of the cat carrier. “My hunger is far from satiated and I will not be carried around without first receiving an offering of delicious cheese cakes.”
Twilight rolled her eyes and sighed. “Spike, you better grab my purse, something tells me we are going to have to make a stop at sugarcube corner.”
“You grab it!” The dragon whined, crossing his arms over his chest. “I don't wanna carry around your stupid purse, it's an insult to my masculinity.”
“Spike you wear a bright pink apron with a heart on it whenever you cook.” Twilight deadpanned.
Spike grumbled a little and did as he was told, returning with a simple black shoulder purse from which he produced a small bag of bits. “There, are you happy now?” He mumbled.
Twilight smiled. “Thank you.”
“Well I think it looks rather nice on you.” Derpy complemented.
The dragon groaned once more, stomping past the group and out the door. “Augh!”
The mares all snickered before all following him, Sweetie Belle levitating behind them, her eyes continuing to glow with an unholy, golden light.
“More!” The demon yelled, punching her tiny little hooves against the bars of the cat carrier.
“Fine, fine, chill out already.” Spike lamented, grabbing another slice of cake and tossing it at the cat carrier like it was a hunk of meat and the filly, a wild animal.
A description that only grew more apt as it was caught out of the air by the filly’s tiny jaws, who then devoured it with such gusto that it was gone in the blink of an eye, not even crumbs being left behind. Spike shook his head slowly, muttering a small prayer to whatever deity was listening under his breath.
“So uh. Did you figure out the circle?” He asked, looking up to where Derpy and Twilight loomed over said circle, both having to crouch slightly due to the low ceiling of the club house.
“I’m not sure. What about you Derpy?” Twilight offered.
The mare nodded, still chewing the last of her muffin before muttering another bout of nonsense words.
“She says this is definitely something wrong.” Twilight translated.
“Well duh.” Scootaloo muttered, rolling her eyes.
Apple Bloom elbowed her friend and shushed her viciously. “Dude be quiet.”
“I coulda told you that!” Scootaloo whined.
Derpy chewed and swallowed. “I think I understand what happened here.”
“She said-” Twilight began, only to stop when she realized Derpy had spoken normally.
“So uh, what's the problem?” Spike asked.
The bubble flanked mare stepped forward and gestured a hoof to where there was a smear mark on the circle of glyphs and runes that dominated the centre most point of the room. “It seems like someone messed up the ritual circle.”
“Yeah, Sweetie Belle noticed it was messed up and went to fix it when the spell activated all by itself.” Applebloom pointed out.
“It did not activate all by itself.” Scootaloo shot back. “You were the one that wanted to keep up the chant!”
“Oh come on, I did not!” Applebloom replied, crossing her tiny hooves over her equally diminutive chest.
“Now girls, it doesn't matter who messed up what, that's all in the past now.” Twilight mediated, calming both fillies down and making them sit there and frown at one another.
Derpy nodded her head slowly and pointed to one of the runes that was messed up by the smearing of the ritual blood. “That one specifically is what went wrong. Instead of a sending circle you made a summoning circle.”
“W-what!” Scootaloo stuttered, running up beside Derpy and staring down to where she pointed. “No way…”
“I knew this was going to happen.” Applebloom grumbled.
“Wait.” Twilight interrupted, holding up a hoof. “Your telling me that this circle was somehow able to summon Celestia?”
Derpy nodded once more, taking a step back. “Indeed it has, amatuer mistake really.”
“Then where is she?” Twilight exclaimed, gesturing around.
“She's right there.” Derpy remarked, pointing at the glowy eyed filly, who was smiling and waving.
“Hello Twilight.” The demon, whom was apparently Celestia greeted.
“What, who, where?” Twilight’s eyes crossed suddenly, and her entire body locked up, smoke beginning to trail from her ears.
Spike rolled his eyes. “Here, lemme get that.” The dragon walked up to and smacked the backside of the unicorn’s head, jump starting her out of whatever logical loop she had somehow got herself in.
“YOUR A DEMON?” Twilight shouted.
The still glowy eyed filly winced and rubbed her ears. “Whoa, chill out Twilight. These ears are more receptive than an adults.” She pulled her hoof back, and winced at the bit of ear goo stuck to it, wiping the remnants on the ground. “And yes, I’m a demon.”
Applebloom stepped forward suddenly, cutting off Twilight’s next question. “Wait, I thought princess Celestia was an alicorn.”
“Yeah!” Scootaloo added. “I saw you like a week ago and you didn't have horns or nothing. Well I mean you had one horn…”
Celestia shrugged. “Oh I can shapeshift quite easily.”
Derpy nodded knowingly. “Lemme guess, Celestia is still on vacation?”
“Yup!” The demon remarked warmly, smiling widely. “Shes been gone for quite a while now.”
“Where did she go? What did you do to her?” Twilight yelled, her eyes narrowing.
“She said something about wanting to fix all the stupid things she did in the main timeline and vanished.” The demon shrugged. “Where that is I have no idea, but it has to be another dimension.”
The lavender unicorn’s horn began to glow, her eyes narrowly dangerously. “How long have you been lying to everyone, demon?”
The demon shrugged once more, grabbing another slice of cake and stuffing it into it's mouth and mumbling out it's response.
Twilight’s jaw hung open and she gaped silently. “Wait what?”
“What did she say?” Spike asked, poking the unicorn in the side.
“She said that she replaced Celestia over a thousand years ago.” Twilight mumbled.
Derpy stepped forward, looking down at the demon, whom had apparently replaced Celestia for over a millenia. “So would you mind buggering off?” She half asked half stated in a disappointed tone.
Celestia pouted profusely, but when it became apparent that wasn't going to work she merely shrugged. “Yeah okay. I got some guilt free snacks and some time off and I suppose my secretary is probably getting pretty frantic by now anyway.”
Then without another word being said the glow began to disappear, leaving the filly’s eyes while a faint orange smoke wafted off her coat. When the smoke cleared the filly blinked rapidly, shaking her head. “Woah, that was weird.” Sweetie Belle muttered.
“Well I’m just glad this is all over.” Scootaloo remarked.
“Yeah totally.” Applebloom added.
“Thanks again Derpy.” Spike offered.
The wall eyed mare smiled. “No problem Spike.”
“Wait, are we not going to talk about this?” Twilight asked, gesturing towards the filly. “I mean we just found out Celestia is a demon for crying out loud!”
“Thanks.” Sweetie Belle said as she stepped out of the cat carrier.
Spike offered her a hand up, which she took. “Don't worry about it.”
“No seriously, guys this is really messed up.” Twilight pressed.
“How do we get rid of the ritual circle?” Scootaloo asked, turning her nose up when she realized that the ritual blood was beginning to get a little nasty. “It smells horrible.”
Derpy shrugged. “It should just fade away in a few minutes or so. Don't bother using water, it wont work.”
Apple Bloom sighed. “Thank goodness, Applejack would have killed me if it stayed stained the wood.”
Twilight groaned, running a hoof down her face. “I can't believe we aren't even going to mention the fact that Celestia has apparently been a demon for the last millennia.”
The four ponies and one dragon didn't notice the unicorn’s comments and were eagerly chatting about about the merits of Spike’s earlier argument on the correct classification of hot dogs.
Leaving a rather distraught unicorn to groan aloud and reluctantly follow, her head held low. “I need a drink.”
Author's Note
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This update was made possible by the wonderful support of:
Kali, Craig, Ozzy, Robert, Quill, JPMK, Tommy, Ivar, Mikhaila, Pacsik, Matt, Brendan, Peter, Nicky, Princess Pudding, Nofreedom, T Sparkle, Apollyon, Luckyfanisaac, Azin, Zairvin, Random_Reader, Iamunkown, Facinus, M, Nfreak, Doomgooey, Michael, Ceepert, Diokyo, Starless
