Heel Klein-The Man Of Small

by KnightnGame

Rating: mature
Tags: Timberwolves, Sex, Profanity, Derpy Hooves, Violence, Princess Celestia, Dark, Death, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 31604

So.. I wake up in this hellish woods and then I get teleported by this big white winged unicorn. Could it get any worse? Yes, yes it can. (Not a micro/macro story)

Hey my name's Heel Klein, I don't really know what's happening anymore. I woke up in this strange alien forest almost died several times and was then sent to the moon by a white unicorn horse. Then I met this blue horse and, look life's gotten pretty complicated for me. I'm just trying to survive to see tomorrow.

_Doivas as Heel Klein and Hoffa_360 as everything else.

All improv.

Please pm errors that you find instead of posting them in the comments please!

To _Doivas: https://www.fimfiction.net/user/295469/_Doivas

Published 2019-03-18 18:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-04-06 04:10:38 UTC

1- I’m Where Now?

On a small island in the middle of the everfree, a human awoke in the shallow water with no clothes, red hair, and brown eyes. Around the pond the dark forest emitted an unsettling vibe.

Where am I? I looked around noting the dark forest surrounding me wondering just where I was, how did I get here? Where even was here?

Looking around the area I’d awoken in I came to the startling realization that the these were some huge freaking trees. Did I shrink?! What on Earth? They had to be at least thirty-four or more feet taller than me!

The sheer height of these ominous looking trees was giving off an unsettling feeling. Never in my life have I felt so small.

I didn’t like feeling small.

When was the last time I was called small? Moreover, when was the last time I had to look up at something? I questioned while looking up at the massive swamp willows around me. The whole place emitted an eerie but at the same time tranquil feeling.

The sound of water splashing accompanied by barbaric growles tore me from my thoughts

Slowly turning around I saw a gigantic lizard with multiple heads staring at him. It’s multiple beady eyes staring at me with hunger.

What the hell is that? I screamed internally watching the giant creature before me frozen in terror. Whatever it was it definitely was not looking at me with amicable filled eyes. I’m fairly certain those were eyes of hunger! It was the predator and I’m fairly sure I’m the prey.

Slowly I took a step back trying to put some level of distance between me and it. Unfortunately this turned out to be the wrong course of action.

It stomped its way to the surface completely focused on me. Once close enough it brought its head down to smell the side of my face.

That’s when my fear overtook me and I was off like a bullet, I didn’t care I where I was going: all that mattered was getting away from that huge beasts!

I ,however, did not hear the beast charge behind me. What I did hear was a painstakingly loud squeal of pain and fear as I ran.

“Dammit” I muttered under my breath as my fear left me and I redirected my course toward the squeal I had heard.

The source of the squeal was the beast itself as black throne vines came out of nowhere and wrapped around the beasts limbs. I could see the vines tear the unlucky beast apart limb by bloody limb. First came the four legs as each was forcefully separated from the main body spewing blood along the dirt and grass. Next came the heads as each was torn off but seemingly regrew before my eyes. The worst of all was left for last as it’s tail was ripped off pulling its spine along with it with a horrifying screech the beast fell dead on the ground. Losing its interest the vines explored the area looking for its next victim.

The scene made me want to vomit and in fact I almost jettisoned my breakfast but managed to control of myself when I realized the vines were already moving on looking for their next target. If those things find me I’m screwed! I quickly turned heel and ran faster than I did when the creature came face to face with me.

After what felt like forever I tripped and fell to the ground.

Arg! that hurt so bad My mind was screaming at me to get up and keep running. But I was out of breath and exhausted. I’d never run so fast for so long in my life.

Craning my neck to see what I’d tripped over I felt to emotions. One, relief as I’d expected to see one of those horrible vines waiting to tear me open. And two, confusion.

What I saw was seemingly impossible. A puppy made of wood was dragging itself away from me quaking in fear.

“It’s okay little guy” I said while gasping for air. “I’m not gonna hurt ya.” I reached my hand out in a comforting motion.

It seemed what little strength the creature had finally failed as it slumped over unconscious.
I let my hand fall down to the ground in shock.

In the distance I could hear many growls and screams. Could this get any worse? I wondered looking in the direction the noises were coming from with trepidation.

After what seemed like eternity the noises died down and I turned my attention back to the unconscious wood creature before me. What am I supposed to do with this thing? It looks like a baby and It looks harmless, but then again, I would have considered vines harmless before today.

The nearby noises stop. The silence is practically strangling me. Suddenly I heard a loud cat-like roar.

The roar made my hair stand on end. I’m gonna lose it if I stay here much longer I thought looking at the nearby bushes for any sign of movement. Having regained some strength I shakily got to my feet. I looked between the direction of the noise and the small wood creature collapsed next to me.

After a few minutes of internal debate I made my choice. I carefully picked up the little wooden, thing. And stumbled in the opposite direction of the noise.

I didn’t encounter whatever creature I had heard as I left. Moving through the forest a little ways I eventually came across a shallow river leading off the small island to what I assumed was the mainland.

It was only when my feet touched the water that I came to another big realization. That water is fucking cold! I instantly stopped dropping the unconscious wood creature and began hopping around the area near the river cursing the whole time.

While hopping around cursing the gods-specifically poseidon-I recognized my lack of clothes. From head to toe I was covered in grass, mud, and dirt but not a single scrap of clothing was in sight.

I instinctively covered my private quarters looking around making sure nobody saw no matter how pointless it was. After scanning the area around me I let out a sigh and collapsed onto the ground.

What am I even doing right now? I questioned looking at the wooden creature I’d unceremoniously dropped to the ground. Running through an alien forest after almost getting eaten by a giant multi-headed lizard thing carrying a small wooden dog that will probably eat me the moment it wakes up anyway. Now that I look at it, the river my only way off this apparent island looks massive as well!

But I couldn’t just sit here, what if those vines or god forbid another creature of nightmares found me just sitting helplessly next to this river? I had to move while I was ahead!

Steeling myself I stood and moved back to the edge of the river. I took in a sharp breath of air. This is gonna suck so much. With that thought I charged forth into mildly menacing stream and immediately sprinted back out.

I was fucking right! That does suck! Aw hell no. I screamed internally once again hopping around trying to warm up. After I felt warm enough to try again I looked back at the wooden creature I’d dropped earlier. Once again debating if I should take the poor creature with me.

“Fuck it.”

With a sigh I picked the little guy up, took a few deep breaths, and sprinted like a madman across the stream screaming curses the whole way.

Once on the other side I dropped the small wooden pup again and began pacing to warm up again. After sufficient body heat had been regained I once again picked up the little wooden creature and continued my great journey to, somewhere. I honestly I have no idea where I am or where I’m going but hopefully it’s better than here.

After a while of continuous walking my stomach decided now was a great time to remind me of my lack of food and starts growling as I walk. Damn, when was the last time I ate something? I’m starving right now, but I don’t dare eat anything here. What if it’s poisonous?

The hunger pains began becoming to much for me so I stopped next to a huge tree to rest. Looking up at the tree hoping to find an apple, or any familiar fruit to eat I’m dismayed when all I see are leaves, and a small yellow ball with wings and cute little green eyes?

What the hell? I wondered watching it flutter around above me with trepidation. .

“H-hey there little… creature?” I called to it with a soft voice.

Spotting me it gently fluttered down landing on my shoulder looking at me with great curiosity. It was actually really cute looking, what harm could it do anyway? It was so small!

I reached up with my hands and grabbed the little thing. It quickly nuzzled my hands and promptly fell asleep.

I paused staring at the sleeping creature. Another one? You’ve got to be kidding me! I thought while picking it up. First this weird wooden dog and now this, this, thing! It’s probably gonna follow me around as well!

My thoughts were interrupted as an aroma tingled my senses. It smelled like, fruit snacks? I looked back down at the small yellow ball in my hand. For some reason I felt very detached from myself. What is this thing, is it food? I wondered as my stomach growled once again reminding me of my current hunger situation.

I mean, it smells good, and I could really use something to eat right now after all that running from alien vines and giant lizard creatures. I was damn hungry! Almost without thinking I opened my mouth and took a medium sized bite. The flavor of it was slightly unexpected, it tasted like a yellow sour patch kid only much stronger. Meanwhile the sudden pain shocked the creature awake and it flew out of my hand. It didn’t get far before falling to the ground.

I watched with morbid fascination as the small creature flopped about on the floor in agony before eventually going limp. What have I done? I questioned looking on in horror at the now dead creature.

W-w-why did I do that? I wondered using my hand to clear up some pink mist that had floated in from who knows where.

I had walked through the algae infested trees, spiked thorn bushes, and alien fona for a while now and thankfully nothing had tried to kill me.

While walking I heard a voice say “It’s finally here!” followed by insane giggling. I stopped in my tracks looking everywhere for the source of the voice. In my peripheral vision I spotted something bubblegum pink.I quickly turned my head only to see it dart behind a nearby tree.

Very unnerved by what I experienced I slowly approached the tree.

“Squeeeeee!!!” Suddenly something small and brown darted from the tree directly toward me.

“What the FUCK!” I screeched diving out of the way of the horrifying beast once again dropping my little wooden friend onto the unforgiving dirt. After a few minutes of nothing happening, no pain, or life flashing before my eyes moment I slowly opened my eyes and saw.

A fucking squirrel.

“Are you shitting me right now… I thought I was gonna die too a freaking squirrel!” I screamed to no one in particular-which, looking back on, probably wasn’t the best idea in a forest full of deadly creatures-while I watched the wretched little creature squee as it ran off.

“Yeah Yeah Laugh it up you fucking animal!” I yelled shaking my fist at the squirrel as it scampered off. “Stupid squirrel, stupid vines, stupid lizard creatures!” I mumbled grumpily walking back over to the dog of wood.

Picking the little dog up. I was about to continue walking when I saw it again. That same bubblegum color in the corner of my vision. I quickly snapped my eyes over to it but it was gone.

What is this?! I thought thoroughly freaked out. I think I’m actually going insane in this fucked up place.

The same girly giggle echoed all around me causing me to go into a panic. I have to get out of here! I thought in a panic. Without thinking I picked a direction and ran as fast as possible hoping to get away from the chilling laughter I had heard.

No matter how far I ran I couldn’t escape the giggling voice, it felt like it was inside my head. “You can’t escape me, silly!” I don’t really know what happened, one moment I was running through the forest then there was a blur of pink and something touched my nose.

“Boop!”

With a yelp I stumbled over my own feet face planting onto the dirt again. “I can’t do this anymore! There has to be a way out of here!” Mentally exhausted after my most recent encounter with the bubblegum creature I once again stood still carrying the little wooden creature and stumbled my way forward, there had to be a way out of this nightmare infested forest!

After stumbling my way through the thick overgrowth and passing through many spiderwebs, I came across a skeleton.

But this wasn’t a human skeleton rather a weird horse creature. The skull was shattered with a crystal at the very base of its horn.

I slowly approached the skeleton afraid that at any moment it might come to life and try to eat me or something else would happen leading to my horrible demise.

Thankfully luck was on my side as I arrived next to the skeleton and nothing was trying to devour me. I let go of a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding and began examining the corpse.

The only thing that caught my attention was the severed horn. Despite how morbid it was, I kinda wanted it. Scratch that, I REALLY wanted it.

Sparing one final look around me and seeing nothing I tentatively picked up the severed horn with my one free hand and quickly continued on. I don’t know what killed that poor horse but I’m not gonna stick around to find out!

I then found a large clearing filled with blue flowers gently swaying back and forth with no animals in sight. Past it I could see the edge of the tree line but nothing past that.

Finally! Freedom! I can see it! I began sprinting toward the light at the end of the forest but stopped just before I ran through the large field of blue flowers.

They look innocent enough, but so did everything else in this damned place. Taking a deep breath I dared to touch it. slowly I tapped one of the blue pedals with a finger.

When nothing happened I let out a huge sigh of relief. “Ha!” I laughed aloud, “I was almost positive something bad was going to happen there! I guess not everything in this forest is evil!”

I quickly ran across the large patch of blue flowers laughing like an eight year old. Free! I was finally free from this hellhole! What could possibly go wrong?

As if the gods were listening the trees weren’t the only thing that stopped. A look of panic embedded itself on my features as I ran straight off a cliff-side. What’s worse was what caught me and the wooden creature that I’d looted from the forest.

A large purple sea serpent with the strangest mustache looked between us with slight surprise. Nononononono Please NO! I screamed internally staring at the giant sea serpent in absolute terror. Not after all that, please I was so close! Now this fucking giant eel is gonna eat me! Tears began to form in my eyes as I realized this was the end for me. I’d survived for who knows how long in that cursed forest, giant vines, wooden creatures, insane laughter, all to die not from falling off a cliffside, but being eaten by a giant sea worm!

“What do we have here?” He looked to me, then the wolf. “An ugly little thing with a dreaded spawn of the timberwolves.” He scoffed, “I’ve never seen such a sight. Now what to do with you…” He looked around down to the fast flowing river in search of something.

“FUCK YOU YOU GIANT WATER WORM!” I screeched at the top of my lungs. “LET GO OF ME RIGHT NOW!” I thrashed about in it’s grasp hoping against all hope that I would miraculously break free.

The serpent was visibly surprised. “Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry! Most things that come from the forest are mindless savages… and watch your language!” He gave me a stern look.

I couldn’t contain myself, I started laughing uncontrollably.

He stared at me confused which soon changed to boredom. “Maybe you hit your head.” He said with a snort, “you seem to have lost it. But anyways what do you want for you to just drop in on the Great Steven Magnet without warning?”

Reigning myself in I responded to the great beast which was somehow talking to me, probably a result of my insanity. “I just, gotta get out of the forest! Just put me down on shore alright big guy! I-I gotta live okay? JUST PUT ME DOWN ON THE FUCKING SHORE!”

He gave me an annoyed look. “Really?! Language! I know how you can get out of the forest. Just a moment please.” The great eel carrited both of us a little further upstream humming a jaunty tune the whole way. “We’ll be there in a moment just hold on.”

“Okay Okay!”I responded defeated.

I was finally gonna get out of here! Nothing could possibly go wrong this time! Fuck yes.

After about five minutes he stopped and rose above the cliff face. “I won’t be able to get you all the way out of the forest, but I can get you on your way out. Just follow this path.” he said placing me and the pup down on the path in question. He turned to leave but stopped and turned around again. “Ah how could I forget! I never got your name!” He looked at me expectantly.

“uh, Heel Klein.” I mumbled caught off guard by the question.

“Heel Klein hmmm? A very interesting name indeed.”

What? “So, you’re saying all I have to do is follow this path and I’ll be out of here?” I inquired.

“Yes that’s all, oh and please do visit again. It gets rather lonely out here. Plus you can see the old castle on the other side of the stream. I hear it’s full of stuff!” With that he dived into the stream and was gone.

Looking away from the river I turned and saw the path leading across a very old wooden bridge. The path to freedom! I’m finally gonna get out of here! With great vigor I jogged along the path.

It was starting to get darker as the sun began to fall below the horizon. After a good amount of walking an old stone structure came into view. It appeared to be the remains of an old castle.

Stopping I looked up at the towering ruins, what is this place? I wondered creeping my way toward the front door. I grasped the door knob in my hand and began to slowly open it.

With a cry of surprise I jumped back as the door came off its hinges almost crushing me. “The Fuck?!” I demanded breathing heavily. “That door tried to kill me!” After calming down I moved to enter the ruins fully.

Before I could take even half a step into the ruins a swarm of bats flew into me. Giving me another heart attack. After the swarm around me cleared and they’d flown off into the distance I finally entered the ruins fully.

The expansive hallway on the inside was covered in moss and most of the stone bricks had eroded to the point that it looked like they were rotting. Old dust covered windows were symmetrically placed along either side of the hallway.

I got about halfway the ancient hallway before a wave of tiredness rammed into me, I felt absolutely wiped. There’s got to be an old bed or someplace to sleep in this place. I thought looking up and down the hallway utterly exhausted. Thus the search for a bed or somewhere to sleep was on!

The rooms were mostly fallen apart with holes lining the ceiling or stones missing from places on the floor. I could also see a stairway through a hole in a broken wall. The winding stairway was made of stone and seemed pretty sturdy but I had my doubts.

I searched through many rooms on the first floor but there was no bed or safe room to be seen Closest thing I came across was a crumbled pile of rock that looked vaguely like a throne. Wonder what happened here.

Having found nothing I went back to the hole in the wall, I wonder what’s down there. I thought poking my head through the hole.

Before me was an ominous winding staircase spiraling downward, I gulped looking at it. Exploring the ruins above was fine, aside from that murderous door, but going down a secret stairway? I wasn’t to sure about this idea. I would probably end up in a dungeon or some nightmarish torture chamber knowing my luck.

Casting a glance through a nearby broken window, I noticed it was now night time. It’s not like I can go outside at the moment anyway. With a frustrated sigh I entered the stairway fully and began my descent into the depths of the ruins.

At the bottom of the stairs there was a giant library. Everything was full of dust and some things were missing. As I descend the last few steps blue torches lit up on the walls. Nothing seems to have been here for a long time.

I eyed the books lining the shelves with fascination. I was standing in a room literally packed to the brim with knowledge! Not just any knowledge, magical knowledge! Excited and curious I walked over to one of the shelves and pulled out one of the books.

Imagine my disappointment when I opened it and discovered that it was written in magical hex gibberish, I couldn’t make heads or tails of any of it!

In disappointment I unceremoniously dropped it on the floor kicking up a tsunami of dust that rippled across the floor before settling again.

I felt a warm sensation near me. I looked around the room searching for its source before realizing it was coming from me.

Looking down I saw the horn I’d been carrying glowing and emitting a small amount of heat. While looking down I also remembered the wooden dog I’d been carrying all day, I’d completely forgotten about, the weight I felt from carrying it had become so normal.

But I couldn't do much with it constricting my movement so I gently set it down on the ground opting instead to carry the horn.

Holding it with both hands I walked around the room pointing it at items to see what would happen to it.

After a few minutes I heard a small popping sound. Moving to Investigate I saw a creature I’d never seen before. It’s like a white unicorn made love to a freaking dove. It seems to be investigating the puppy with little interest. It soon turned around and saw me.

“Uh, n-nice creature?” I asked with a slightly high pitched voice.

The creature sighed, lit up its horn, and all I saw was a flash of light.

After the blinding light had faded from my eyes I found myself in a new landscape entirely. All I see is an endless amount of sandcastles with the puppy next to me freaking the fuck out.

Wha, what just happened? I thought dumbly, Did, did I just? What? And why the FUCK is the dog suddenly awake!?!!??!!

“Bad dog! Sit! Shut up! Just, just BE QUIET!” I screeched.

The dog slowly calmed down and then sat there with a thousand yard stare.

“Thank YOU!” I said softer slumping down on the grey sand. This is insane, I was just in a ruin in the forest right? And that white horse thing, what did it do to me? Where am I? What the hell’s going on?

Looking around I was met with the same thing, grey sand, grey sand, and more grey sand full of a myriad of different styled sand castles. Why are there so many sand castles! No! I can’t keep thinking about this, I’m talking a walk. Standing up I began weaving my way between the sand castles looking over all of them as I went.

Soon enough I could see a long dark horn and a night like arora hiding behind a particularly large castle.

I slowed my pace trying to be as quiet as possible but continued forward hoping to get a better look.

It soon peaked over the sand castle and then ducked back behind the sandy structure. Stupidly I tripped on a much smaller sand-castle I failed to notice but instead of falling I just drifted uncontrollably towards the strange creature.

Shit shit shit! I yelled internally. Try as I might I couldn’t change my course. Well shoot, first that white dove horse and now this, thing. Life sure was good while it lasted.

To my surprise It just stared at me as I daintily floated by. Then it started giggling while pointing at me with its hoof. “Y-you can’t get down can’t you?!” It then continued its giggle fit.

“No really?” I deadpanned crossing my arms.

The creature suddenly stiffens not expecting a response. “Uhh…”

Uh oh, I don’t think that was the right thing to say. “Uhhhh,” I tried to think of something to say but my brain decided that now was a good time to turn off for the day.

“Look, I’ve had a long day okay weird black horse thing? I almost died like fifty times in a weird alien forest and was then sent to this grey sandy wasteland by a dove horse so I would really appreciate some help and maybe not being brutally murdered alright?”

The creature then burst into a laughing fit. “We were not expecting that. Thou art a very humorous creature. What shall we call the?” It said while I continued floating.

“Uh, names Heel Klein, so call me that. And who might you be?” I inquired genuinely curious.

A soft blue glow appeared around her horn as I was pulled closer. “Thou may address us as Princess Luna. Now why art thou on our wonderful moon?”

“What? THIS IS THE MOON!” I screamed looking back up at the tiny planet floating in space. “That stupid dove horse sent me to the moon! She didn’t even ask me for a cup of tea! Not a sentence just straight to the moon with the! For fucks sake!” I finished my rant panting glaring at the small blue and green planet.

“Are thou done?” She asked looking slightly amused.

“Yeah I guess.” I replied slumping in the air feeling even more exhausted than before. “Please tell me you have a bed or something, even a soft rock would be nice, I haven’t rested since.” I paused. When was the last time I slept or took a break without fearing for my life? “Since a long time, yeah let’s say that.”

“Why would you need a bed when you can simply drift above the ground?” She questioned smugly.

“Uh, because…” I struggled to find an answer to this question. “Because I like beds?”

“Unfortunately no. All that is up here is us and sand.” The princess sighed, “ What we would do for a pillow.”

I raised my eyebrow at that, “care to expound on that your highness?”

She blushed. “N-no nothing. Disregard that.” She mumbled out.

I smirk, “hmmm, Princess, we just met! Do you perhaps, have something you want to tell me?” I wink at her.

She gave me an annoyed look. “Oh please. When you’ve been alone for as long as we have. She paused, “It can get to you.” She continued to stare at me for a little longer before shaking her head.

Wait we? “There’s more of you here?” I asked looking around the lunar surface. “I don’t see anyone else.”

She sighed again. “The royal we. We guess standards have probably changed in the thousand years we’ve been gone.” She stated nonchalantly.

O-o-one thousand years?!?!?! Heel Klein.exe has stopped responding. Rebooting, normal brain functions have returned.

“Wait wait wait wait, back up a second there princess. You’re telling me that you’ve been here alone on this rock for one-thousand years?!”

Her mood changed and she looked very downcast. “Sadly we have. A thousand years alone gets extremely boring. That’s why we got into the hobby of making sand castles. As you can see.” She said pointing at the many castles covering the moon's surface.

Oh so that’s why there are so many of them. “How did you even get here?” Then the memory of the white horse dove thing came to the forefront of my mind “Wait, were you sent here by the dove horse to?!”

She looked perplexed. “What? What is a dove horse?”

“Ugggg” I groaned and began making many hand gestures trying to articulate this concept to lone moon over here, “Well you see, It looks like a horse, has a nice big ole horn atop its head, and has wings like a dove. Is also white as fuck and didn’t even let me say a word before zapping me all the way up here.” I stopped flailing my limbs around, “ringing any bells?”

“Are thou speaking of our sister? If so then yes.”

“Your Sister?! Your own sister put you on this rock?” I couldn't believe it.

“Indeed. It was followed by our greatest mistake. We wish to not talk about that.” She spoke depressingly.

Mistake? I was about to inquire more but a yawn interrupted me.

“We suppose you should rest. It seems you had an eventful day today.” She lowers me back to the ground. “ We recommend that you do not jump, you may not come back down. Soon we shall return to eques, so be well rested by tomorrow.” She walks off.

“Okay…” Wait a minute! How am I supposed to fall asleep like this?! Come back here Princess! With a sigh I stayed floating waiting for the sweet embrace of sleep.

I felt a sharp pain on my left buttcheak. Looking back I could see a very furious wooden puppy clamped down on my tush. Although it seems it can’t break skin it still hurts like hell.

You have got to be kidding me! Why did I even pick this little fucker up? “Stop it you, uh, wooden dog! I need that!” I twisted around violently trying to get the creature of me.

The dog whined a little but refused to let loose. It’s almost as if it realized that letting go would launch itself into orbit and loose any chance at getting home. Nah… it’s just a dumb wooden dog, or is it?

Why does everything have to be so complicated around here! I grabbed the dog and tried to pry it off grumbling the whole time.

The wooden dog held fast and refused to let loose. I heard some giggling in the distance.

That moon horse is probably laughing her ass off right now! “Fine! You stay there you wooden nuisance! I on the other hand am going to TRY and get some fucking sleep.” I crossed my arms once again hoping to try and get some modicum of sleep.

There is still nowhere I can really sleep at. I could see Luna hiding in the distance. (although poorly). And then there is the endless sand castles.

Actually, those sand castles look comfortable. I thought eyeing a half collapsed one a little ways away. Yeah, why not. I walked over to it and plopped down on it really hoping the massive influx of sand would make the wooden creature let go.

It just whined for a little while then stopped. The sand is actually somewhat comfortable I slowly drifted off into the sweat embrace of sleep.

Soon I found myself in an endless dark void thankfully without the annoying dog. I then heard a sneeze behind me.
Huh? What? “Who’s there?” I called out into the void groggily.

“‘Tis me Princess Luna. We are in the dream realm right now. It’s been some time since we have been able to enter someone’s dream. Although it is pretty empty here. Is this all you have in your mind?” She walked up next to me looking around.

“Wha? Dream realm? So we’re inside my mind right now? If so I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to be this empty.” I responded scratching my head.

“Well… try thinking of what you came across before you got here. Maybe that will help.”

Unfortunately for me, the first thought that surfaced was the absolute terror I felt when those black vines tore the multi-headed creature apart limb for limb.

As soon as that memory resurfaced the realm around us slowly changed to fit my minds thoughts.

The murky ground we were standing on turned to grass and all of the small alien plants also sprouted up. The treeline from my memory soon appeared in the distance and the middle area filled with water.

Then came the sound, ambience from the forest also came in causing me to jump in fright before remembering this was a dream/mindspace thing.

Then the giant multi-headed lizard creature formed in the water. A few seconds later I was once again watching the great beast be torn apart by black vines. First went the legs, then the heads, and finally off went the tail. Blood rained down everywhere as the limbs were dropped back into the water turning it red.

Fuck, I didn’t want to see that again. I thought averting my eyes from the scene.

Luna just stood there in confusion, awkwardness, and disgust. “W-what just happened to that poor hydra?”

Not wanting to pursue this conversation any further I tried changing the subject. “So um, can you control what happens here to?”

“To some extent… We can summon items and stuff but can’t control a structured landscape…” Luna said not looking away from the corpse.

“Oh, that’s um, interesting.” I have to think of something else! I seem to remember a time in that cursed forest where something wasn’t trying to eat me, I was, walking somewhere. Yeah, I was walking around in peace for a few minutes!

As the memory came back to me the landscape once again changed.

The grass and alien fona stayed only changing position on the ground but trees sprouted up around us, very tall trees for that matter.

“Ah, uh, this looks nice right?”

“What happens here? Surely it can’t be much worse than the poor hydra.” Luna questions.

“No no nothing happens, he-” Just then I heard that damn voice again. It was fucking laughing again! Shut up!

I held my head with my hands that fucking voice wouldn’t shut up! FUCK!

A giggle can be heard from all around. “You can’t escape me even by going to the moon! I am everywhere! Even Luna cannot protect you Here! I will get you eventually!”

Luna looks around with a sudden jolt of fear. “WHAT IN TARTARUS WAS THAT?! The power it had was immeasurable!”

“I-I can’t deal with it again!” I screeched thinking of anything to escape this memory. And the first thing that came to mind was the only food I’d eaten my whole time here. That weird little ball of color that tasted like a fruit snack.

Once again the landscape shifted, the only major difference being the particularly tall tree I suddenly found myself standing next to. Looking down I found myself holding a very familiar little yellow ball.

“O-oh” I said surprised, “H-hello there.” My mouth began to water looking at it. Just one bite won’t hurt right?

Just as I remembered I opened my mouth and took a medium sized bite out of the little creature. As soon as I took the bite it woke up and once again tumbled to the ground where it lay twitching.

“You know… we don’t blame you. Those parasprites taste good… although did you really need to eat it alive… is it some new custom we are not aware of?” Luna looked at me with a confused expression.

“New custom? I, no it isn’t a new custom, I was just, hungry and I. that’s all, I’m fine now though! Yes, perfectly fine.” My voice raised in pitch a little at the end of my sentence.

“Uh, can you perhaps, change the scenery, I don’t like my memories anymore.”

The scenery returns to the empty void. “Thou seems to have seen many new things… would thou like to have a dream battle? It’s been a while and I seem to be rusty…”

“A dream battle? Like a fight to the death?!” I asked paleing at the idea.

“It’s similar except once defeated the loser will wake up instead of dying. Anything you can think of can be used for battle.” Luna explained.

“O.” Well, this could be fun. And it would be a nice distraction from what I just saw, again. And if I can’t die, sure why not? “Sure, could be interesting.” I said.

Luna flaps her wings and launches backwards with great force. “When you are ready just start.”

The sheer force of her wings had caused me to stumble but I quickly recovered. So I can do whatever I want huh? I thought thinking through the endless possibilities now before me. Knowing Luna is a princess, she’s probably been in many battles before. I’m gonna need defence.

I thought about a decent sized shield and low and behold It materialized in my hand, alas I forgot about a very important detail, shields were VERY damn heavy! I couldn’t hold it and thus dropped it.

Cursing my luck I stared at the shield in disappointment, well that limits me a bit, I was never the strongest of the group. As I began to reevaluated my options I then remembered that this was a dream. Does that mean…

While looking at the shield I kept telling myself how not heavy it was, in fact I kept telling myself how great it was that physics didn’t apply here. I once again picked up the shield but this time found it was weightless. Okay, this is awesome!

With this new knowledge, I thought about a few other things, one being flight. I was disappointed when nothing happened with that one though.

With everything being weightless now, I was able to equip myself with some armor, and a steel sword. This is pretty good I think. I thought looking myself over. Alright I’m ready!

With that I ran forward and jumped, imagine my surprise when instead of coming back down to earth I found myself flying through the air. Oh, so the thought of flying did work.

I stopped hovering in the air scanning the area searching for any sign of the lunar princess.

She was watching with an amused look. “That’s it? That’s all thou has?” She actually started looking disappointed. Then she decided to give herself her lunar synth. It was a lunar crescent with a long obsidian handle. “We shall give you the first move out of pity.”

I gulped rethinking my choice to accept this battle. It was quite clear now that I was still thinking to inside the box, I had limited myself to human inventions forgetting that I was now in alien magic world. This was a bad Idea.

Welp, might as well try a different tactic. Tossing the sword away I instead opted for an AK-47. Quickly telling myself recoil didn’t exists I took aim and unloaded on Luna.

Luna gave an ‘Oh shit!’ face as she trips over her own hooves in surprise. Once the clip was empty she looked herself over. “Next time try aiming!” She then creates huge gusts of wind that blow you every which way across the sky.

Damnit, I missed! I tossed the now empty AK to the wind and tried to think of a solution to this new problem. Maybe jet propulsion could beat this wind? With that thought in mind I summoned a jetpack and tried flying through the wind while also creating a loaded RPG.

Instead of getting launched everywhere I kinda just glide around. It’s actually pretty fun. That is until my newly created RPG gets ripped out of my hands and glides down to Luna. “What is this thing? Some sort of spear?” Suddenly the rocket launches flying off to the side and explodes much to the shock of the princess. “D-did you just try to blow me up?” She then looks at me with a very ticked off expression. Suddenly gravity returns and I fall out of the sky.

Thinking quickly I force gravity to reverse sending me and the princess flying upward. I summon two AK’s this time and give them infinite ammo before aiming at the princess and spraying like a mad man.

This time she puts up multiple really fancy looking shield spells. The bullets shred through most of them, but eventually stop. Luna looks shocked. “We have never witnessed something break through our strongest shield spell! Let alone multiple!” She seems to be getting tired. “We shale finish this now!” Suddenly you feel as if you are being squeezed. More and more pressure is building as time passes.

Shit shit shit, At this rate I’ll be flatter than a pancake! I have to do something! But what? Then an idea popped into my head. Perhaps, I can distract her with fear? Yes, that could work. But what to do? I didn’t have much time to think on this but I’m sure using my imagination I could create something of nightmares.

I focused on the dream realm we were battling in and began to change our surroundings. First I made the entire area absolutely black, to the point where neither of us could see each other. Then focusing on the “walls” around us I made red eyes and Hex symbols appear. Alright, that should add a bit of creep what else? Remembering the vines from the everfree I made a few clusters of them appear around us. It was at this point I realized the lack of a crushing sensation.

Summoning a small light I slowly flew away hoping Luna was distracted long enough for me to get a few things done.

“W-what is this?! Is this necromancy?!” She then proceeds to try to destroy the hexes with no success. “Wait! Where did you go?!” She starts searching for me.

I quickly flew through the air until I was what I guessed was a fair distance from the lunar princess. Once there I dematerialized all the gear I still had on me including the lamp.

After all the junk was gone I summoned a small piece of red chalk and gave myself night vision to be able to see without the lamp giving away my position. I had already made it so the vines wouldn’t attack me which made the darkness a little less foreboding.

I was quite certain Luna was looking for me at this very moment but I would have the element of surprise this time!

I scanned the horizon and saw a little blue blur a little ways off. Quickly I flew toward it.

Luna appears to have been caught by the vines as they have turned her into a cocoon with her head peeking out. She notices me and struggles to escape. “No! We will not be defeated! Only our sister has defeated us once! Noo!”

“Well times change your highness, and from where I’m standing I’d say I win this time. Although this was very fun, all good things must come to an end.” With that I took the chalk and began drawing on the air, which I must say is a very weird feeling, there’s nothing there and yet, there is at the same time.

I drew one large circle and then three smaller ones inside it. Then finding the midpoint I drew a star because I mean, why not? Once I finished drawing the floating drawing began to glow with a menacing crimson red.

Huh, this is interesting. Who knew chalk could be so intimidating! Oh how I love winning! I gave the drawing a solid kick sending it carrening right into the princess.

When it hit she kinda started twitching and with a silent scream she disappeared. Kinda freaky actually.

I just stared at the spot luna had just occupied in shock. Did I win? Looking around at the dark abyss I decided since the battle was over I didn’t really need this place to be scary anymore. With a single thought I changed the area back to its original empty form.

Well I’m not waking up so, now what? I thought looking around. I guess I’ll just wait.

Urge dream slowly fades away. I awaken to see Luna looking at my crotch with a look of uncertainty. She seems fidgety. “Hmm.. his mane changed…” She mumbled.

“Luna.” I deadpanned, “What the hell are you doing?”

She gasps slightly. “Well… we didn’t think you would win so we left out a few details… ” She fidgets even more.

“A few details huh?” I question with a raised eyebrow, “Care to explain.”

“Welllll…” she sighs. “You are the second to ever defeat us in a dream battle. The first would be our sister. As punishment for losing it was declared that the next to defeat me would be declared a noble… and… hnnnn…” She looks away embarrassed.

What? “Wait wait wait wait, are you telling me I just became a noble? As in, a noble?!” What?

She shuffles in place. “Not only that, but you are now able to… court…. us…” She is now blushing up a storm and steals another quick glance at my crotch.

Heel Klein.exe has crashed. I just stare blankly at her for a few seconds before I turn around and walk away.

I hear a whine coming from my ass. Yup still there… and floofy? “Wait! Come back! We didn’t make the decree. Our sister did. Also we shall return today.”

“Wait what? You go back to the planet today? And you’re telling me this now?!” How do I know I come back today? What if I’m stuck here forever?!

“We were going to tell you… but in the dream realm. We will bring you two with us when we return if you would like.” She said awkwardly.

Okay, so I’m not stuck here forever. That’s a relief. “Yes, please bring me back with you, but as for the whole courting thing… I don’t know.”

“That is up to you. Although we have never been able to qualify someone.” Sigh “We will be leaving shortly. Are you ready?”

I sighed, “I suppose.”

“Very well. Faust we hope our sister forgives us…” Suddenly a shockwave of white-light rippled across the sky and we were both enveloped in a white light.

Author's Note

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2- Hands And Diner Mints

“Oh, my beloved subjects. It's been so long since I've seen your precious little sun-loving faces.” I hear very ominous voice project.

Wait what? Who’s that? I wondered looking around hoping to see who was talking.

The person I found was Luna, but at the same time not Luna. She had undergone some kind of transformation. Instead of a dark blue or coat was now black and her eyes had turned snake-like.

“What have you done with our princess?!” A boisterous voice hollard back at her.

“Luna?” I questioned the black coated horse. “What the hell are you doing?”

She ignored me instead responding to the other voice after chuckling. ”Why, am I not royal enough for you? Don't you know who I am?” She asked sweeping her gaze across the crowd of gathered ponies.

What Is going on here? Luna wasn’t like this on the moon. I decided the best course of action was to stop Luna from doing something stupid, so I smartly stepped right in front of her and waved a hand in front of eyes.

“Ey Luna! You alright? You’re kinda scaring everyone.”

She hissed at me. “What are you doing, creature. Hmmm… ‘tis been awhile since we’ve had a snack…” I suddenly found myself floating in mid air. “and you just volunteered.” Suddenly her jaw unhinged and down I went.

“What the FUCK LUNA!” Are you kidding me?! I refuse to die like this! I started flailing about like crazy trying to escape.

All this resulted in was me being bound in magic as I fell into her stomach. It didn’t burn at all although it is eating away at my hair. All the noise from earlier quickly faded become muffled beyond comprehension.

Did, did Luna just eat me?! What the hell! I thought as panic slowly began to set in. I was going to be eaten alive at this rate! I was going to watch as my skin was melted by stomach acids! How the fuck was I supposed to get out of here?!

Man I’m going to die again. I survived the moon just to be eaten by the only friend I have on this alien world. With that thought I passed out.

“Heel! Heel!” Huh, wha? I thought as consciousness slowly returned to me.

“We’re so sorry! Please wake up!” I slowly opened my eyes and was greeted by a frantically moving blue blob. Luna? My vision slowly came back to me and I found my guess was correct.

Luna was frantically shaking me a very panicked look in her eyes. I also noticed she was back to normal. No sharp teeth, snake-eyes, or black fur.

I wasted no time in jumping up and away from her fearing for my life. “Uh uh, aw hell no. You stay back princess.” I said running a hand through my hair. Why am I itching all over?

“Honestly, I thought we were friends!” I said continuing to slowly back up, “But then you fucking ate me!” I tripped over a small block of stone I hadn’t seen and fell onto floor. “First the vines, then a damn voice and now you!”

My brain operating at full capacity again I looked myself over and found that I was perfectly fine. other than the itchiness and lack of body hair.

“Please wait!” She yelled holding up a hoof. “It wasn’t entirely our fault!” She started sobbing

Looking around I saw a small group of different colored horses watching us.

There was also a tall white horse standing behind them with a very scary expression on her face directed at me.

You’ve got to be kidding me! There’s more of them?! And now Luna’s crying, FUCK. Nope I gotta scram, who knows what these creatures will to do to me!

Wait. I thought after looking around once more. Aren’t these the ruins I was in before that white horse sent me to the moon? At the far end of the room I spotted a familiar looking staircase This is the same ruin! And there’s my way out of here!

Every muscle in my body tensed as I stood still the only sound being Luna’s continued sobbing. I waited a few more seconds before sprinting to the stairway.

I managed to get up the stairs without being stopped and for a while I thought I had escaped.

That is until a white flash appeared in front of me revealing a very unimpressed white horse.
“You have two choice right now.” She said sternly, “You can either go back and cheer up my sister. Or I can torture you until you are begging for death. Do I make myself clear?”

“Bu-” I quickly shut my mouth. All these horses are fucking crazy! Do they all hate me?! “O-okay.” I quickly turned around and headed back down the stairs.

“H-hey Luna?” I said shakily as I approached the still bawling Lunar princess.

I only made it a few steps before the floor fell out from under me sending me tumbling downward. The last thing I heard were a few panicked gasp before I hit the ground.

With a gasp I awoke in a small white room hooked up to some fancy looking medical gadgets with a crazy looking white horse staring at me.

Wait, I was, I was just in the fucking castle! What the hell? I looked around the small white room utterly terrified. This white horse is going to kill me! Nononono Just let me go! I’ll apologize to your fucking sister alright!

I desperately tried to escape to no avail.

“Hazzah! He awakens!” Out of nowhere Luna tacked me into a hug. She’s shivering ever so slightly. The white horses eye began twitching. She. Is. Pissed.

Wait what! “Luna?” I asked my mind reeling. “What just happened? Where Am I?”

She looked at me confused. “You do not know? You fell into an underground cell in the old castle”

“You’ve been out for three days.” Three days?! I thought surprised.

“As for your other question we are currently in the medical wing of Canterlot Castle.”

“But, but the white horse. And, you were crying right? I, Wha?” I’m losing it, holy shit!

“Oh yes! My sister was the one to recover you after we came over to see what happened.” Said white horse literally had waves of heat radiating off of her. She looked like a nuke ready to blow.

“O-Oh, that’s nice.” I said eyeing the white-horse while offering her a one-hundred percent not strained smile. “So, um, what is Canterlot?”

“Canterlot is the capital me and my sister live in.” She said with pride.

“And You can live in the castle too! now that you are a noble!” She continued her eyes sparkling with childlike glee. “Our sister was ecstatic when we told her about your win in the dream realm. We hope you accept. You can even stay in the room next to us!” Luna finished with a face splitting smile.

The now yellow horse was leaving the room literally engulfed in flames. The marble floor started melting. And the door hinges disintegrated as she opened the door to leave.

Soon a white colored pony walked past the door. “Holy Celestia that’s hot!” It yelled trying to extinguish the small fire that had erupted on its tail.

“Yeah.” I said eyeing the molten doorway. “Sounds great.” I’m fucked.

“So, what exactly is your role here in the capitol?” I asked trying to move the conversation somewhere else.

“I am Princess of the Night. I control the moon, oversee night-court and keep the pesky nobles at bay.”

“And if thou decides to court us possibly queen.”

Through the open doorway everything in sight bursts into flames as more white coated ponies showed up with buckets and a hoses of water to put it out.

“Speaking of which we should go prepare for our future duties. Once the doctor says you can leave ask a guard to direct the to our room.” In a quick flash she was gone.

Quickly after the white horse re-entered the room a look of fiery rage in her eyes.

I opened my mouth to let loose a furry of complaints but the look in her eyes quickly made me rethink my decision. I decided now was not the time to unload all my frustration

“Hello Uh.” Shoot I don’t know her name!

She looked me directly in the eyes before speaking. “Let me make myself very clear. The only reason you are alive right now is because my sister has taken an interest in you. If you hurt her in anyway. I will make sure you die a very slow and painful death.” She then left.

I was sweating up a storm. I even got a slight tan from being so close!

I gotta find a way out of here! But then again Luna is the only thing keeping me alive. I’ll have to let her down slowly and then sneak out of here! With that plan in mind I began wandering around the room searching for a doctor to clear me so I could leave this place without the white-horse of doom coming back to roast me alive.

Soon enough a small white unicorn walked in and immediately started fanning himself with some papers. “Gosh it’s mighty hot in here.” He then saw me and sat down on the floor only to hop back up with a little more pep and started fanning his ass instead. “What in Celestia?! Why is the floor so hot? Anyways are you.” He paused looking at his clipboard. “Heel Klein?”

“Yeah, that’s me.” I said as I glanced around for any sign of the white horse of death’s return.

He looked at the ass fan. “It says here that you are being released as long as you get some rest and stay away from running and sports. You can leave when you are ready.” He turned and walked out the door giving a nice view of his two large bald spots on his ass. “There’s a bit of a draft out here.”

Alright then. Now freed to go I quickly left the room and searched for a guard to take me to Luna’s room.

There were two guards by the door sporting gold armor and spears. Both stared straight ahead almost never blinking.

“Hello?” I asked as I walked up to both of them.

Neither of them reacted. They just stood there unmoving.

You’ve got to be kidding me. “Alright I see how this is gonna be.” I Tapped one of them on the side of their helmet. “Can you at least tell me where Princess Luna’s room is?”

Not a single fuck was given by either of the guards. Not a single fucking one as they just stood there.

Uggg I groaned internally. “Look, I was told by Princess Luna herself that you would direct me to her room, so can you PLEASE just tell me where to go?”

No response. They just stared at the opposite wall.

Fine, I’ll find it myself! With that I turned and began my journey through the castle in search of Luna’s room. The castle can’t be THAT big right?

The two guards started following behind me as I walked. They didn’t say a single word to me. What the hell.

Okay, that’s not creepy at all. I thought continuing my search through many rooms of the castle.
My findings included, a janitorial closet, a huge ass kitchen, more guards decked in golden armor, and one door that I didn’t dare open because, well let’s just say there were some sounds coming from it.

Anyhow after coming across the fifth closet filled with cleaning supplies I gave up and once again turned to my little entourage for help.

“Are you two just going to follow me all day! You haven’t said a single fucking word the whole time I’ve been busting my ass trying to find the princess room in this huge as freaking castle! Can I get some help here!”

One of them actually did something. He sneezed, but it was one of those fake ones. “Buck you.” He sneezed out with a slight grin etching its way onto both of their faces.

Alright, that’s it I’ve had enough of these fucking pastel horses! I’m gonna fuck em up! With a roar of rage I rammed into the nearest guard full force.

I then received a hard smack with the side of one of the spears to the face sending me to the ground.

“Fer fucks sake.” I muttered as I rubbed the bridge of my nose.

As I stood up again I looked up and down the hallway that seemed to stretch on infinitely. Everything here hates my guts. And I can’t do jackshit, why does everyone else get fucking super-powers and magical doo-dads.

“Now that you both have gotten your utter hatred for me out could you give me a hint to where Princess Luna’s room is?”

They both grunted and pointed their spears in opposite directions with smug looks on their faces.

“Thank you!” Wait a minute…

“You mother fuckers.” I growled out.

I rubbed my forehead due to the headache I could feel coming. I considered my three options. One, I could have followed guard number one and have a fifty/fifty chance of finding Luna’s rooms, Two, I could have follow guard two and have the same chance at finding her majesty’s abode. Or three, I continue to stumble around this huge castle desperately hoping to stumble across it.

I chose option three.

“Alright!” I said as I cracked my knuckles. “Round two!”

This is not working. I’d been walking for who knows how long with the same two guards following me probably laughing internally at how stupid I looked. I’d gotten so turned around I’m fairly certain I’d been through this hallway at least five times now.

Honestly I couldn’t tell, but I’m pretty sure that’s the same door I had left open last time I was here. Well fate had decided to intervene and let me survive being inside someone's stomach so maybe it would be so kind to show me where the fuck Princess Luna’s room was!

As if the universe was reading my mind two servants walked out of a room up ahead. A male and female. The guy quickly walked off as the mare just stood there looking towards him.

Maybe she’ll be willing to help me! “Excuse me ma'am.” I asked as I approached, “You wouldn’t happen to know where Princess Luna’s room is would you?”

She seemed to jump a little and looked back towards me. “Um yes. I can take you there if need be.” The two guards lost their smug looks.

Oh thank goodness! FINALLY! “Thank you so much miss, please do lead the way.”

She turned and started walking down the hall, but I notice something I wish I hadn’t. She was… leaking… back there...

Are you fucking serious? These fucking ponies man. I quickly turned around and give my escort the finger before I followed after my new friend that I’ll never see in an innocent light again.

Eventually we made it to a door with a large crescent moon on it. The guards casually walked off and the servant turned to me with a sultry look. “If you ever have anything more… personal that needs help with just call for Lovely Break. I always love something more… exotic.” She then turned and walked off. Not without the unwanted flashing though. And as it turns out the leakage definitely did not come from just her…

Deciding not to think about what I just witnessed to much, I knocked on the door and waited for a response.

There was a panicked tumbling before the door opened revealing Luna. I noticed a little movement on the corner of my eye as something was tucked under the bed. Luna had a big smile on her face that just screamed ‘not innocent’. “W-what? We thought you would have taken longer to recover. Anyways how are you?”

I just stared blankly for a few seconds. “You ponies are fucking insane you know that right?”

She looked absolutely puzzled. “W-what do you mean?!” She blushed a little.

“Nothing.” I said with a sigh. “Look, what did you need me here for again? I kinda forgot after wandering around this castle with two dickheads.” Those guards can go fuck themselves.

She sighed. “Yes. Some of the solar guards are not fond of me… but we have recovered your pet!” As she said that the annoying wood puppy popped out of nowhere. It appeared to be a big pink puffball as it just floated there defeated. That is till it sees me and starts whining for help. “We also have the horn of a unicorn that you had… why did you have that?” As she said that the horn floated from under her bed and into my hand… it’s damp…

I stared at the horn utterly baffled. Even Luna is fucking crazy! “O-oh, thank you.” I said very sweetly. “This is just great.”

“But you still haven’t answered my question, why did you want me to come here after I was released from the medical wing?”

“To return your belongings and for a… proposition…” she said giving me a sultry look.

I immediately held up my hand. “Nope can’t do that because one of the authors will not allow it until I’m 18.” What the actual fuck did I just say?

She gave a pouty face and mumbled to herself. “Stupid authors… can’t have any fun.” She looked back down to me. “So when will you be 18?”

I scratched my head, “Eh, September 19th, Is that a month here? Do you creatures even have months?”

“What? Of course! That’s only four months away.” She said exasperated.

“So prepare yourself! We will be waiting.” She walked over to me and gave me a quick kiss on my cheek.

Her horn began glowing but before I could question what she was doing I found myself in the middle of a bustling city with a small brown sac in my grasp.

Normally I would’ve been very confused just appearing somewhere but since this was probably the fifth time it had happened so I was getting used to it. What really intrigued me was the sac.

I wonder what’s in here. I thought opening it up to view its contents.

Packed inside was a handful of fucking GOLD coins and a folded piece of paper.

My eyes widened in shock. Gold coins? I quickly pulled one out of the bag to inspect. Now I’m not an expert but I’m fairly certain this was a solid gold coin! This is incredible! I quickly unfurrowed the folded note and began reading it.

‘Please don’t spend it all at once, but go out, explore the city, and enjoy yourself!

-Princess Luna’

My excitement quickly deflated like an untied balloon. This city is full of more fucking insane ponies! I screeched internally as I looked around me at the many staring ponies. Ugggggg!

“Hi.” I said with my best smile and a small wave.

A little filly spoke up. “Mommy what’s that?” It was quickly hushed as the parent pushed them along.

The others lost interest. All but one actually. A mint-green unicorn looked as though she was losing her mind. She was spazzing out in the middle of the street for at least a minute before she stopped and just stared at him.

I sighed again. Alright, time to explore this amazing city full of pastel colored ponies of doom.

So I wandered the streets aimlessly. I absolutely refused to enter any establishments or stores for fear of being forced into a conversation with these absurd creatures. Thanks for the money Luna but I really won’t be needing it.

So I mostly stayed to the edge of the sidewalk or near the walls of buildings. All I had to do was endure this hell for a little while then I could walk back to the castle and pretend I had enjoyed myself. Luna would be happy, her sister wouldn’t boil me alive and I wouldn’t have to deal with anymore shithead guards until tomorrow!

The only problem was the creepy unicorn that was currently following me thinking I hadn’t noticed her. I then got distracted by a group of ponies gathered in a circle in the middle of a plaza.

Two skinny yellow ponies with hats were wooing the crowd with a new product. I assumed they were salesman with they way they were animatedly talking about it and the fact that the other one was holding out there hat asking for money.

“A-are you real?” I heard a voice say as I was tapped on the back.

“Gah!” I quickly turned around and saw a mint green unicorn with amber eyes staring at her hooves like she’d just touched jesus.

Alright I’ve just about had it with these ponies! “Alright, look you amber eyes mine greent freak. I’m really not in the mood for people to be questioning if I exists, I’ve already been fucked with by the solar guard, almost been torn to shreds by some black vines, and my only friend ate me about three days ago.” I said my voice rising in volume.

“So you want to see if I’m real huh?!” I picked the mare up, gave her a little squeeze and then put her back down on the sidewalk. “Does that answer your fucking question?!”

Before she could have responded I spoke up, “Good! Now have a nice day!” I then turned and continued my little stroll down the roads of hell.

A few seconds later I heard. “Yahooo!! I’m not crazy!!!!” In the distance.

No you’re not. I am. I thought as I stomped down the street.

There were endless shops, stalls and ponies. Ponies that kept staring at me! Stop looking at me you four legged fucks!

Finally I spotted a way off the streets full of stares. Nearby was library.

Glancing around at the other ponies lining the streets (Most of them still staring by the way) I decided it would be in my best interest to seek refuge within the confines of this seemingly destitute establishment.

I headed in and immediately noticed the librarian at the front desk who glared at me as I walked by.

Well what did I do to you you old hag! I waved as I meandered my way in between the many bookshelves lining the library. Out of curiosity I picked one up. Understanding Mare’s: A beginners guide to a successful relationship Huh? Yeah no. I thought quickly putting the book back in its place on the shelf.

I moved forward a little ways and spotted a very worn looking book. It had a black cover with some weird worn symbol on it. What’s this? I thought reaching over and pulling it out. Runes and Hexes: A guide to understanding ancient writings. I flipped it open and found pages upon pages full of fascinating weird symbols and drawings along with a decoder telling the reader what they meant. This is incredible! I thought flipping through the book with childlike wonder.

But there’s no way the librarian will let me take this or anything out of this place based on the look she was giving me on the way in. With a dejected sigh I gently placed the book back on the shelf. I’ll just have to come back for it later.

I continued my walk through the library but not a single book caught my interest like the one I’d just returned. They just didn’t have the same intrigue to them and some of them had ridiculous or cliched titles like Those left behind, Change, and the problem of evil. Seriously, who names their book that?

Having wandered through the library for who knows how long I decided it was time to leave.

As I walked out I spotted the mint unicorn looking around until she spotted me and hid. This time she had a notepad and a camera in her magical grasp. Ponies really suck at hiding. Like terribly bad. What’s odd is the fact that no one else even acknowledged that she was there. It’s like she was freaking Invisible to them!

Well isn’t this just dandy, I’ve got a pony stalker on me now! Maybe she won’t follow me far. With that thought in mind I continued my leisure stroll through this pony infected city.

Every once in a while the pony’s camera would flash. Nobody noticed. I then watched as she got tackled to the ground by a dark blob. There was tussle and then the mint pony was dragged away by some sort of vampire looking pony.

What the fuck? I thought ai I stared blankly at the empty space the mint mare had just occupied. Did she just get dragged off by the pony mafia?! If so I ain’t sticking around around to find out! I quickly sprinted down the street.

After I’d run a few blocks through town I stopped and tried to get my bearings, I was mainly hoping to find the castle. Lucky it wasn’t hard to spot. It was the only true golden building in the capitol.

I had set my sights on it and I began running toward it. Sure I got turned around a few times. But eventually I made it to the front gate.

At the gate there were two golden armored guards standing on both sides. Like before they stared straight ahead not moving and barely blinking..

Nope I ain’t bothering with you fuckers anymore. Without saying a word I walked right past them. And if they start following me so help me god!

I reached for the door and pulled on the handle. The door didn’t budge. No matter how hard I pulled it wouldn’t open.

“Son of a-” You’ve got to be kidding me.Why is everything here against me? I really didn’t want to ask the guards for help as they’d probably be of no use but my options were fairly limited at the moment.

With a groan I addressed them, “So what’s the deal here fellas? Am not allowed access or am I being an idiot right now?”

They just stood there with grins. The assholes. Not a single response. There were a few giggles from a few ponies behind us though.

“Alright so I’m the idiot huh? Why don’t you two just fucking say it to my face? Oh Wait!” I said as I booped one of them on the nose. “That’s right you won’t say shit, In fact I don’t think either of you actually have vocal-chords in those necks of yours. I don’t think you two can even move, your muscles are probably atrophied from all the sitting on your ass you and your fellow “guards” do!”

While they still didn’t acknowledge me, my comment sure did wipe the grin off their faces.

“Oh okay, so I’m not worth your fucking time either huh? You won’t even respond to me, I could probably punch one of you in the face and you wouldn’t even twitch. Can you even defend the palace your guarding? I don’t think so, your whole guard is a group of dickheads who probably know less words than a baby. ” My rant over I stomped away from the guards boiling with rage.

I decided to sit in a nearby grass patch and wait for the door to open.

It was starting to get late as the sun began to fall below the horizon making way for the moon. The activity in the city began to die down as the sun set. Shops closed, the once full streets began to empty and I saw one of the guards yawn. So you DO emote huh?

Soon a loud bell rang from the castle. Confused I watched the two solar guards from earlier PUSH the door open--You’ve got to be kidding me! It was a push door?!--As two new bat looking guards replaced them.

Cursing my stupidity I walked over to the door and PUSHED it this time.

Inside was a huge room with a glass dome ceiling and gold plating lining part of the walls.

“Heel Klein?” I turned and saw a cyan colored maid looking at me nervously.

“Yeah that’s me. What is it?”

“Princess Luna wishes to speak with you.”

Oh boy, what does Luna want this time? I thought as the maid returned to her duties Sure hope I remember where her room is.

Luckily after a few minutes of walking and only getting turned around once I found myself in front of a familiar door with a moon painted above it.

Alright, round 2. I knocked on the door.

The door opened and inside I found Luna and another familiar face. The mint unicorn from before with the biggest ‘I’m in deep shit’ smile I had ever seen. “We welcome you back to our lovely abode. Did you enjoy yourself today?” Luna asked.

Fuck no “Yeah, it was fine.” I said with a smile before I turned to the mint green unicorn. “And who the hell are you? Didn’t I watch you get dragged off earlier when you thought I couldn’t see you following me?”

“Wait? You could see me? How did-“ the mint mare started only to be cut off by Luna.

“This is Lyra Heartstring. I have asked her to help study you-” She paused as she tried to get the alien word out of her mouth. “-hoomans. As me and my sister no nothing about you or your species.” This made the mint mare almost bug out with a huge smile.

Ooookay, that’s not creepy at all. “Oh, that’s uh, great.” This mare is gonna be such a pain in the ass. “So, do I have a room or somewhere to sleep because I’m exhausted.”

Luna answered with “Indeed you do! It’s the next door over to the left! Now Lyra. Do you accept this offer to study our dear hooman here?”

Lyra was practically bouncing in place at this point. “Hands! I-I mean yes! I would love to study the han-ooman!”

Luna gave her a strange look but disregarded it. “Aaanyhow… you may visit anytime you like. Just… knock first.”

“Oookay, I’ll remember that.” I said as I looked between the two mares. An awkward silence soon followed.

“Alright then, looks like we’re done here. I’m gonna go now soooo Yeah, goodnight you two.” I quickly exited the room and entered mine flopping down on the bed.

The bed was amazing! And now that I look around the room it appeared to be better than any lucturally hotel. There were two doors on the wall left of the main door that were closed. A dark oak desk with a few nick-nacks in the corner left side of the wall opposite of the main door. Next to the desk is a glass paned doorway leading to a balcony. My king sized bed is on the right wall to the main door. The entire room was night themed like Luna’s.

Ya know, if it wasn’t for the insane ponies and dickhead guards this place would be great. As I lay on the bed it had slowly became harder to keep my eyes open. This is actually a really comfortable bed. Maybe tomorrow won’t be so bad.

With that last thought I fell into the peaceful embrace of sleep.

Something was moving my hand.

I slowly opened my eyes to see the mint green unicorn rubbing her face against my fingers like a cat with her eyes closed.

Alright I take it back, today is not going to be better. I coughed grabbing her attention, “What are you doing?”

Her eyes shot open. She quickly jumped down to the floor, and somehow scurried under the bed with impossible speed. She ranks a zero in sneak skill.

I sighed before reaching under the bed and pulling her out by her tail. “You really need to work on your sneakiness you know that? If you really thought I didn’t know you were down there then your fucking stupid.”

“I totally wasn’t here all night playing with your hands!” She squeaked covering her face with her hooves.

All NIGHT?! I pulled her close staring her directly in the eyes. “Are you telling me that you’ve been in my room all night watching me sleep and messing with hands?” I narrowed my eyes at her.

She peeked at me from behind her hooves. “Yes?”

“Ooooo” I said with a chuckle. “Well that’s perfectly fine then!” I said briefly as I loosened my grip on her tail.

“It is?!” She exclaimed surprised before chuckling, “And I was so worried.” She said rolling her hoof as relief washed over her. She then looked back at her tail.

“Umm, can you not let go? That feels really good for some reason…”

I let go of her tail at once my voice rising in volume and rage. “ALRIGHT LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE DINER MINT! If you really think I’m okay with you fucking stalking me in my sleep just so you can mess with my hands you’ve got another thing coming!” I said practically screaming in her face.

“If I catch you in here again without my knowledge or consent. I don’t know what I’ll do but you won’t like it! AM. I. CLEAR?!”

She got a really shiteaten grin on her face. “What are going to do? Spank me?” She asked shivering while wiggling her butt at me. Suddenly the door swung open revealing a very angry and confused looking Luna.

“Oh we see how it is!” She screamed slamming the door shut. Lyra stared at the door confused.

Jesus Christ! I looked at Lyra again. “Fuck you.” I said before quickly chasing after Luna. Luna’s the only thing keeping me alive in this place!

The bat guards stationed outside luna’s room were both giving me the stink eye. “What did you do?!” The one closest to me demanded.

I quickly fell on my knees before the guard, “Please man you gotta let me in there! She’s the only thing keeping me alive in this damn place and if her sister finds out I’m gonna turn into a pile of ash!” I shook her as I spoke. “Open the damn door!”

She looked at me confused. “What in Celestia?” She then sighed and stepped aside. “It’s up to her if you get in or not. Hope you know what you’re getting yourself into.”

I quickly darted over to the door and gave it a firm knock. “Luna?! You in there?”

“Go away!” She replied through the door.

“Luna it’s not what it looks like! That fucking green diner mint snuck into my room and was messing with my fucking hands all night!”

“And you enjoyed every second of it! Why her over us!” She asked as she began crying “You are the first we have ever had a chance of a relationship with! And you push us away for another mare!” She was bawling.”

Suddenly the temperature in the room began to rise in a very unnatural way. Shit, her sister is coming! I’m gonna burn alive if I don’t get Luna to open this damn door!

Getting desperate I slammed both my hands on the door. “Luna listen to me. You’re going to open the door and we’re going to talk about this like the civil adults we are okay? OKAY?!”

Suddenly I was yanked through the door face to face with a furious Luna. “WHO ARE YOU TO TELL US WHAT TO DO?! YOU ARE A PIECE OF BUCKING SHIT WHO...who…” She then resumed her sobbing as she wrapped me in a extra tight wing-hug. “Why Heel? Why?”

“Oh thank you so much Luna!” I said almost crying, “She almost got me but then you opened the door! Holy shit!” I yelled returning her embrace while I got my nerves under control.

“And to answer your question, I didn’t pick that green piece of shit over you! I woke up with her nuzzling my fucking hands, she’s obsessed with them for some reason!”

She didn’t say anything for a few seconds as she calmed herself down. “Truly?” She whispered over my shoulder.

“Yes, yes truly.” I said silently thanking whatever being controlled this world for their grace.

“But… who almost got you? Is someone after you that we do not know of?” She said over my shoulder as she refused to break the hug.

Shiiiiiiiiiit. “Ah, what? Nononono I was just a little panicked is all. Nothing to worry about.” I said as confidently as I could.

Still not breaking the hug she replied more sternly. “No. We know what we heard. Who is after you?” She hugged me tighter the more I tried to break the embrace.

“Look Luna now really isn’t a good time, we’re both stressed it’s been a long morning and I could really go for some breakfast right now okay?”

“...Okay. Right after you answer us. Don’t think we don’t recognize when someone is hiding something.” She seemed to be getting more and more annoyed the more I tried to steer away from the subject.

“A-alright look, there’s this uh, white creature that’s uh watching my every move and I uh, have to kee- I have to do a certain thing before it will leave me alone.” I said hoping that answer was sufficient enough.

“Interesting…” she said thoughtfully. “And what is it that it wants you to do?”

“It uh, it uhhhhhh.” My words failed me. I can’t say what it wants me to do! Then she’ll think this relationship is fake! Awww what do I do!

“It wants me to keep someone happy.” Please be satisfied.

“Hmmm… we don’t like it. We shall consult with our sister about this. Maybe get you a personal guard just to be safe. Is there anything else you would like to tell us before you go?”

Oh please help me get out of here I’m gonna die at the hands of your sister and probably end up in a asylum somewhere! “No, I’m fine now, thank you for listening to me.” I said looking away.

“Alright… you may go if you wish. Although you can stay just the same.” She said still refusing to let go.

“I-I uh, No it’s fine, I’ll stay.” I said as I slumped in her embrace. This is kinda nice actually.

“Is there anything you would like to converse about? Actually whatever happened to that horn you were carrying around?” She said happily now that I stayed longer. And now that I think about it. Where is the horn?

“I, I don’t know actually.” Where had I left it? Was it next to the bed? Did that diner mint steal it?!

“So you lost it? Already? But we even… never mind… So what were you going to do with it anyways?” She asked.

“I’m pretty sure it’s just sitting next to the bed? I can’t really remember, I just flopped down on the bed and fell asleep almost immediately.” I replied honestly.

“As for what I was going to do with it?.I don’t know, I just really wanted it when I found it for some reason.”

“Hmm? Strange.” She replied thoughtfully, “ so are you attracted to others horns?” She asked slowly/

“...” Daaaaafaaaa?

“Ummm, No?” I said a little unnerved at the thought.

“Oh, ok.” She sounded strangely disappointed. “So…. Anything you wish to talk about…”

“I… I should get going.” I said as I gently pushed her away trying to escape her embrace.

She gave me a pouty face and sighed. “If you must…”

“Y-yes, I must.” I started for the door before I remembered what I was going to ask her earlier, “Actually, do you know where I can get some food around here?”

“Oh! Yes! Inside your room there should be a bell. If you ring it a maid will be summoned. Or you could just go to the cafeteria yourself or find a maid in the halls.” She went on eventually rolling her hoof as she listed the different ways to summon the great foodstuffs.

“Okay okay I got it Luna, please calm down.” I said trying to contain the very animated mare.

She let out a huff. “Very well. We shall let you go off.” She yawned. “This isn’t very normal for us. We normally sleep in the daytime. Well good night my dear Heel.” She waved me off as she went to her bed.

She’s nocturnal? That’s, interesting… After that revelation I turned and exited the room.

As I exited the still open doors from Luna’s room I came face to chest with a giant white horse who I still didn't have a name for… “You are very lucky you cheered her up. If you hadn’t you would have been ash by now.” As she said that she got into my face and quietly teleported once she finished talking.

The guard from before spoke up. “What did you do to get on Celestia’s shit list?”

Celestia? That’s whose been tormenting me? At least I finally have a name. “I apparently committed the worst crime of all.” I said as I began to walk away.

“I existed.”

As I went to enter my room I heard the guards whisper. “Do I really sound that much like a stallion?”

“I don’t get paid enough for this…”

I quickly found the bell Luna had talked about and rang it. Now look, I don’t like talking to ponies anymore than necessary but my options were limited. Either I go to a cafeteria probably full of the little devils or I ring a little bell and only get one.

Which one do you think I’m gonna pick?

Almost instantly a knocking sound was heard from the door. “Room service.”

That quick?! I stumbled over to the door and swung it open.

My vision was greeted with the lovely sight Lovely Break standing in the doorway a huge ass smile on her face. “Oh my! Want me already? That’s a new record.”

You’ve got to be kidding me. “Oh hello Lovely Break, I hope your day is going well.” I said with a very friendly smile. “Please do tell me what’s on the menu for food. And no, I don’t want to fucking eat you out so don’t even think about being cheeky with me.”

She puckered her lips. “We’ve only met once and you can already read me like a book.” She said pouting but she quickly brightened up again.. “As for food, all you have to do is ask, if we aren’t able to get it we will let you know. And don’t worry about paying, we were informed that the princesses will be covering you.”

That’s great! I thought since I didn’t know how far the handful of coins Luna had given me would take me.“Hmmm well if that’s the case.” I said tapping my chin thoughtfully. “I’ll take 64 Blueberry muffins, 3 cakes, a slab of meat, two loaves of bread, and five sticks of butter.” I flashed her a smile.

She just gave me a flat look. “You don’t have to be a smart ass. And yes we can deliver all of it. It’s called magic honey. Now how about your actual order.”

Wow, that’s an incredible thought. “Alright alright, three blueberry muffins, an apple, and two carrots.” Gotta stay healthy if I’m gonna be running for my life all the time.

“Very well. It should be done in about ten minutes. Is there anything else I can personally help you with?” She gave me a sultry look and swished her tail back and forth.

“Hmmmmm.” I said making a show of thinking about it. “Nope.”

She dropped the act with a huff. “You’re no fun. Alright I better get back to my duties” She waved goodbye before heading off to who knows where.

I closed the door and headed over to the desk. Pulling out the chair I sat down. I should probably find that unicorn horn. And come to think of it, I’m fairly certain the pouch of coins is in here somewhere as well.

Standing back up I began my search.

“Whatcha doing?”

“Gah!” I screamed in surprise while frantically looking around the room.. “When did you get there?!” I questioned staring wide-eyed at the diner mint sitting on my bed.

She just looked confused. “I’ve been here since you left. Did you really not notice me? I wasn’t even trying to hide.”

“You just surprised me is all.” I said as I crouched down to search under the bed.

“What are you looking for?”

“That’s none of your business.” I grunted in response as I felt around with my hand. Ah ha! I think I found it.

I reached my hand as far as I could and pulled the object out from under the bed.

This was definitely not a horn, but a different part of equine anatomy. Now you might be asking yourself what this body part was; let me tell you. It was a fucking horse dildo.

As soon as Lyra saw it her eyes widened and she quickly ripped it out of my hands before tossing it out the window. “That definitely isn’t mine.” She blabled nervously.

Was that? Did she, what?! “I didn’t see shit.” I said as I quickly scrubbed the memory with mental bleach.

I decided the bed wasn’t the safest place to search for missing items so I instead continued my search around the bed. Let’s see here, perhaps the desk?

I went over to the desk and as I began rummaging around in the drawers.

“Ehemm.” I heard a male voice coming from the balcony.

With a frustrated huff I went over to the door leading to the balcony and pulled it open.

Low and behold a Pegasus guard landed on the balcony with the dildo perched on his spear.

“Is this yours?!” He shouted clearly very pissed. Then again who wouldn’t be?

“LYRA!” I screamed. “Take back your damn horse penis and then get the fuck out of my room!”

The guard looked across the room. “There’s no one here. Quit your games you gay bastard and take your toy!”

Son of a-

Author's Note

Behold! Chapter 2! Gosh this is an adventure.

3.5- A Long Overdue Descussion

I woke up finding myself in some kind of cage. It appeared to be made of pure steel and had some weird symbols carved onto a few of the bars.

Looking myself over I discovered to my great relief that I was back to normal!

“Holy shit!” I yelled jumping up feeling myself over to confirm that I had well and truly turned back into myself..

Once I was certain this wasn’t a dream and I really had been turned back to normal I grabbed the cage’s bars and began banging on them. “Hey! Can someone let me out of here!”

Mighty just stood next to me and sighed. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something pink.

“You actually surprised me Heel. I lost track of you. For about twenty minutes at least. But here you are in my grasp.” She said giggling.

She then just popped up in front of the cage bars. “Any time now.” She whispered before she went up a set of stairs I swear wasn’t there before. Fuck. It’s back again.

I slumped down against the cages bars and directed my attention to might.

He just started yipping. It seemed he was trying to yell at me. Maybe?

“I’m sorry Mighty, I can’t understand a word your saying.” I said frowning at the still yipping dog.

He stopped and turned away muttering something.

“Still can’t understand you.” I said dejectedly. “This fucking sucks!” I slammed my hand against the bars of the cage. I was turned into a dog just to be thrown into a cage as a human instead!

About maybe an hour later a little lizard in an apron and a duster walks in. “Why does it always get so dusty down here?”

“I wouldn’t know.” I said waving my hand around in front of me kicking up a small cloud of dust. “I’m the prisoner not the warden.

“Ahhh!” He looked at me. “Did you just talk?!”

“Of course I just fucking talked. What you think you’re the only intelligent species on this alien world?!” I said starting to get angry.

“B-but… Twilight!” He then took off up the stairs.

“Ey! Come back here!” I yelled after him. “Dammit he’s already gone.” With a sigh I returned my attention to Mighty. What the hell am I going to do now? Celestia probably spilled the beans to Luna that I don’t want to court her so I can’t expect her to come to the rescue this time.

“I really fucked myself over huh Mighty?”

All the response I get is a a long high pitched pfffffffft. And a stink that made me glad I didn’t have the nose of a dog anymore. God that is awful. I want to throw up.

“Aw fuck!” I said fanning the air with my hand. “What the fuck was that?!” I said looking at the dog disgusted.

The little shit just grinned. The purple unicorn could be heard running down the stairs. “Spike! Get me a quill and parchment!” She then ran over to the bars. “YOU!” Was all she said due to her getting a wiff of the stench and physically pulled back to the point that she fell on her ass.

“Oh Celestia! What is that?!”

“I have no fucking idea, I assume it’s Mighty over here.” I said gesturing to the dog in question.

Her eyes were starting to water as she cast a spell and the stench faded away. “That was horrid! Now, WHAT ARE YOU?!” Spike came tumbling down the steps as she said that.

“Well purple butt.” I said standing up. “I’m what’s called a human, I woke up in a strange forest almost died about five times, then was sent to the moon by Celestia, met up with her sister Luna, was almost burned to a cripst eight times by Celestia because I was forced into courting her sister.” I paused to take a breath. “And in my most recent stunt I was turned into a female dog and cast out into the same strange forest I had escaped from when I told Celestia that I didn’t want to court Luna at all.” I threw my hands up in exasperation.

“So as you can see my situation is just great!”

She was flabbergasted. “What? Wait! You were there during the return of Nightmare Moon!” She took a defensive stance. “You’re not evil are you?! Cause I know a lot of combat magic and my brother is the captain of the royal guard!”

I burst out laughing at her little display. “Girl if you think I’m scared of you then you’ve lost your damn mind! I’ve survived Celestia, I won a dream battle against Luna which is apparently a big deal. I escaped a forest full of black vines that would tear you apart limb for limb! You’re just a droplet of water in an ocean!”

A burst of flame washed over me removing what little hair grew back from last time. “Well?! Are you evil?!”

“Fuck no, I just want to get away from you insane ponies you crazy bitch! DO I LOOK EVIL TO YOU? I don’t have no fancy magic or horn, I can’t do shit to you anyway! The only superpower I have is the power of survival!” I screamed at her hopping around from the sudden heat on my skin.

Spike spoke up. “ Ya know… You don’t seem good at it.. are you trying to get yourself killed? Cause that. That you are good at.”
“Fuck you.” I said slamming my fist against the bars before slumping down in the cage. I hate this damn place.

Twilight sighed. “I really don’t want to bother her, but I think we should inform the princess about him. I can’t tell if he’s evil. It’s too big of a risk to keep him here.

Spike just shrugged. “Yeah, He is a bit of a douchebag.”

Twilight glared at him. “Spike! Watch your mouth!”

“Now now hold up Purple Smart!” I said jumping back up at the mention of the Celestia. “There is absolutely no need to call Celestia over here! She turned me into that damn dog! I will fucking kill myself before I go back to that palace of doom!”

They both just looked at me like I was insane. Snapping out of it Twilight spoke up. “Yup. Definitely going to inform the princess now. Spike, can you go and get the parchment quickly?” Spike was already upstairs by the time she finished speaking.

Are you fucking kidding me?! Celestia will tell her I’m evil and then probably have me executed or drag me back to a cell in the castle! I won’t let that happen! Fear running high I backed up a few steps and then ran forward ramming into the cage bars with all my strength.

Twilight just stared at me like I was an idiot. “You won’t be able to break out of that. It’s solid iron.”

Despite what she’d said I kept ramming myself into the bars. I wasn’t really expecting to break them after learning that tidbit of information moreover I was hoping I’d knock myself unconscious or something like that.

And with an extra strong hit the top of a bar came loose. Twilight just stared in both wonder and fear.” W-what?! How?! I just got that!”

“FUCK YEAH!” I screamed adrenaline coursing through me as I rammed into the cage one more time.

I rammed the bar again and it came loose. Unfortunately my momentum kept going and I got stuck between the bars.

I saw Twilight trying to hold back a laugh as I tried and failed to get unstuck.

“Good luck getting out of that. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a letter to write. She said as she started to ascend the stairs. “Now what is keeping spike?”

Well this is just fine fucking dandy. I thought still struggling to escape the confines of the bars. Now I’m really screwed, Celestia won’t even have to bring a prison cell to transport me in. I jumped into one myself! Now well and truly stuck my only option was to wait for Twilight to return and hope Celestia choose the firing squad and not the noose.

A few seconds later I hear hooves quickly clopping from the stairs. Luna basically flew down and over to me and gave me an awkwardly positioned hug. “Thank Faust you’re okay! We are glad we were able to locate you! When sister said that you disappeared we didn’t know what we would have done! Thank Faust I was able to locate you while you slept!” She proceeded to hug me tighter.

“Oh thank goodness you found me Luna!” I said beginning to cry. “After your sister turned me into a dog and teleported me to that dark forest I was certain I was gonna die!” The moment the words left my mouth I began to panic. Shit I just name dropped Celesta! Shit shit shit, what if Luna doesn’t believe me?! She’ll leave me as well!

I faked a terrible coughing fit. “I-I mean the white monster turned me into a dog I thought I was gonna die.”

She looked at me horrified. “OUR SISTER DID WHAT?! Tell us everything NOW!” She yelled looking like she was going to snap.

“I-I-I uh.” I sputtered debating If I should tell her. With a sigh I decided it was probably for the best. So I spent the next twenty minutes telling her about every interaction I’d had with her sister while at the castle. Of course excluding the part where I told Celestia I didn’t really love Luna which I was beginning to reconsider.

See was silent through the whole thing. Every once in a while her eye would start twitching. “So… Our sister has been threatening you this entire time?” She asked in a manner that said if I’d left anything out or lied to her then hell was to pay in a way only a woman can produce.

“Yes.” I said exhausted after retelling my experiences to Luna.

Luna pursed her lips in thought. “So.” She paused biting her lower lip, “We suppose you should stay in hiding until we settle this.” She held her chin with a hoof in thought. “We shall have you stay in a local tavern until then. We will visit as often as we can under our sisters nose, but for now we must be off.”

She leaned forward and kissed me on my forehead before teleporting off leaving me alone with Mighty.

Wait! How the hell am I supposed to get out of here?! I huffed realizing she was already gone. “Thanks for the help Luna.” I grumbled while I tried to get myself free.

Mighty decided he was done sitting in the cage and started to walk on top of me to get out. I could see the little shit smirk as we went.

“Ey! Don’t you dare leave me down here Mighty! I see that look on your face! Don’t do it!” I warned watching him literally walk all over me.

And then he sat on my head.

“Figures” I murmured slumping my posture. “This day has been just great.”

With Mighty using my head as a cushion and my movement options limited I decided it was probably best to conserve energy and wait for someone or something to free me from my prison.

Moments later Twilight entered the room with a very nervous look, she was followed by a very irritated looking Luna. “I’m sorry, I just-”

“-Just don’t.” Luna snapped cutting her off.

When they walked over to me Luna almost burst out laughing seeing my current predicament. “Well the plan has changed. Our sister will arrive shortly due to this one informing her of you being here.” She sighed rubbing her forehead with her hoof. “This is going to be a long night.”

“You’re telling me.” I said still stuck between the bars. “Now that I’ve told you it was Celestia she’s probably going to incinerate me on the spot. Maybe she’ll just shoot me with a magic bullet instead of trying to degrade what sanity I have remaining.” I said thoughtfully.

“Honestly I’d prefer the firing squad over the noose.”

Both of them tilted their heads. It was kinda cute.” We don’t know what either of those are.”

I sighed defeated. “Of course you don’t.”

Twilight summoned a scroll and spoke up. “So what are they? I’ve never heard of such a thing! Oooo! I could research something new!” She was basically bouncing at this point.

“Oh yeah, well it ain’t fun Purplebutt, you see, a firing squad is a quick of a executing someone, don’t have to worry about the small details, pop and dead, a noose is a rope used to hang someone! So basically what I’m saying is I’d rather Celestia blow my head off nice and quick than have her torture me to death like she’s done/threatened to do before!” I explained.

She basically went walleyed. “What?! But there hasn’t been and documented execution in over a thousand years! The princess wouldn’t do that!”

Meanwhile Luna started to shuffle in place as she bit at her bottom lip. “Well… about three thousand years ago she got way too overprotective and executed a pony that was trying to illegally court us. Although he did sneak into the castle at wartime…”

“Well that’s just dandy for me isn’t it Luna! That’s probably why she’s been trying to kill me, and I’m even courting you legally! Also can you please get me out of these damn bars! My back is killing me right now!”

She winced at my tone of voice. “Yes we shall assist you…” her magic flashed and the cage instantly teleported behind them causing me to drop about two inches to the floor with a twenty pound puppy on my head that unceremoniously flew off my head onto its back a few inches away.

“Thank you.” I said standing up and brushing myself off. I then began stretching my neck and a few other muscles trying to force feeling back into them after they’d fallen asleep.

Suddenly a bright flash came from the the inside of the cage. When the light had faded I found to my utter horror it was Celestia. She looked around her at the cage slightly confused. “Wait.. did you set up some sort of trap here? You know it won’t work right?” She just looked at the back of her sister’s head.

Luna’s eye twitched and she slowly turned around. “No it was merely coincidental. However we all will be here for quite some time.” I couldn’t see Luna’s face but I don’t think I want to right now. If Celestia’s ‘Oh shit’ look was accurate. Twilight was a little giddily as she bounced back going for a hug. This didn’t happen however as she smashed into the iron bars and landed on the ground with a whine of pain as she covered her nose with her forehooves. She must have not realized where Luna moved the cage and followed the sound of Celestia.

“Sister. What is happening?” Celestia asked as innocently as she could. She then tried to get out of the cage to greet Luna through the gap with the missing bar. She got her front half through before she came to a sudden halt. Her ass was stuck.

Luna grinned. “Perhaps those small slices of cake after each meal adds up. Celestia groaned as if she had gone through this before.

Celestia’s horn lit up and then flickered out. “What? What’s wrong with my magic?”

At this Twilight raised a hoof. “I’m sorry princess but I didn’t know if-” She paused glancing at me. “-He could use magic so I created a magic warded cage to hold him. Magic cannot be used while inside the cage.” She pointed to me as she said him. Once Celestia caught sight of me her mood just dropped.

“Oh I see Celestia.” I said starting to get angry. “The moment I come into the picture your mood falls through the fucking floor! What did I ever do to you huh? You’re the one that turned me into a FEMALE dog, and almost melted me two times! WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH YOU FUCKING PONIES! “ I screamed.

Celestia just looked at me in shock. For a few moments she didn’t answer as she had to think to herself. “I-I don’t know… It just feels natural to hate you. But, I will not allow you to take my sister from me.”she stopped and looked at Luna defeated. “ I hoped it didn’t have to come to this, but I can’t stand to see this any longer. He doesn’t love you Luna. He’s only using you as a shield to protect himself from me.” Celestia looked away as see couldn’t look her in the eyes out of guilt.

Luna looked furious. “ YOU LIE!”

It was at this point while Luna began yelling at her sister that I felt something inside me snap. I’d been dealing with ponies for far to long, letting them walk all over me. Trying to make relationships work and then here comes Celestia ruining all of it. Well not this time. She wanted to hate me? I’ll give her a reason to this time.

With a scream of primal rage I charged at Celestia and punched her nice and hard on the muzzle. Then I continued to slam my fist into her again and again.

Before Luna could even understand what was happening Twilight was on top of me like a mama bear protecting her cub. I then proceeded to get the shit beat out of me before Twilight was pulled off of me and suspended mid air. She growled in a deep menacing voice. “YOU WILL NOT TOUCH MY PRINCESS!” As soon as she realised what she said she blushed and covered her face with her hooves. “I’m sorry…”

“Oh yeah I’m sorry.” I said beginning to laugh. I stumbled to my feet and began swaying on the verge of falling unconsciously to the ground. “It won’t happen again.” I said as I turned and stumbled my way toward the stairway.

“I’ll j-just be on my way now.” I said to nobody in particular as I stumbled my way up the stairs. “You all hate me anyway, I’ll get out of your hair now. Bye.”

The door at the top of the stairs slammed shut as Luna almost screeched. “NO ONE IS LEAVING UNTIL THIS IS SETTLED!” I was pulled back and set down next to Mighty who was watching with no understanding of the situation at all.

“Huh the door closed on me.” I said chuckling.

Luna’s horn lit up and a dark pulse radiated around the room. “We have just cast a truth spell. Lying will have its consequences! Now sister tell the truth. Why must you hate our dear Heel?”

Covering her bleeding snout with a hoof Celestia looked at Luna with pity. “Luna.. everything I said here is the truth.”

Luna just looked at Celestia with shock as she backed away from her. She then turned to me on the verge of tears. “Please Heel. Tell us she is wrong… do you truly love us?”

I ran a hand through my hair now starting to really stress out. “Look Luna, I woke up in a random forest and almost got torn apart limb for limb by some black tentacle vines, I then almost lost my mind in that place. I don’t even know how long I was in there because the canopy was so think you couldn’t see the fucking sun. I don’t know shit about this land, I don’t even know where the fuck I am, then I find a library and Celestia sends me to the fucking moon where I met you!” I said my eyes darting around the room hoping to find an exit.

“I’ve never seen creatures like you before, I just wanted to survive the day, then you challenged me to a “dream battle’ and by some stroke of luck I won that shit. And there I was thinking, hey this is kinda fun! I was enjoying myself Luna, but then I woke up and you were all like, Whoops there are strings attached to this, and now you are going to court me. COURT YOU? I met you less than.” I stopped trying to think of how long it had been since I’d met Luna. I couldn’t remember.

“Then not even the next day you fucking ate me! I thought I was gonna die in there Luna! But by some stroke of Luck I lived, Then I found myself in some old ruins and this bitch.” I yelled pointing at Celestia. “Was going to chop my head off if I didn’t come back and make you feel better! What the fuck do you expect me to do Luna?! Don’t you get it? I don’t have a choice in the matter, it’s either I love you or I get the chopping block! WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR YOU CREATURES TO UNDERSTAND!”

Luna just stared in shock. Tears started to fall down her cheeks as she mumbled out loud looking down. “Do we truly mean nothing to you?”

“How the fuck am I supposed to develop natural feelings for someone when I’m about to die almost every other day! No one in this fucking room is on my side. Ever! I would be willinging to give you chance Luna, you’re a great friend and I really enjoy your company, all I’m asking for here is to go live my life somewhere away from the capital, no Celestia, no high-class racists nobles, just no ponies other than you! But NOoooooo can’t give the hairy old ape what he wants, dance monkey dance!”

Luna looked up to look into my eyes. Behind her Twilight was staring angrily at Celestia. Celestia suddenly found the floor very interesting as she tried to wiggle her way out of the bars to no avail.

“Will You truly give us a chance?” Luna asked a small spark of hope welling up in her eyes.

“Yes.” I replied exhausted. I could feel unconsciousness clawing at me trying to take me under. “Yes.” Suddenly the room started rotating, I felt like I was gonna vomit as I lost my balance and began to fall toward the floor..

I was caught in some magic before I hit the ground. I don’t know who caught me but I was thankful all the same. Consciousness left me as I floated in the air.

Author's Note

Part two of chapter three is out! Yeet! Ok, I'll admit that I did cry a little at how heartbroken Luna was... She is my Waifu afterall!

4- Twi’s Cooking

I was awoken by something small batting at my face. What the hell?

I had no clue what was happening, the last thing I remembered was falling unconscious down in Twilight’s basement.

My eyes still closed I moved my hand up to intercept whatever was batting at my face.

Whatever was smacking me decided that it was time for me to get up now and jumped and stomped on my gut.

“Ugg” I groaned my eyes shooting open. “What the hell man? Ow.”

Mighty then decided to pounce on my head and smack me. He was either really bored or just wanted to see me suffer. Now awake I could see that I was in a library laying on a couch. no biggy.

“Hello?” I asked my throat dry. Why am I in a library? Where’s Luna? Celestia? That weird dragon creature?

Mighty just stared me in the eyes as he sat on my chest. He leaned in closer… and smacked me.

“Ahhh Cut it out Mighty! Why do you gotta slap me like that?!” I said batting him away. “Goodness sakes.” I muttered as I got into a sitting position on the couch I had been laying on.

The pink fluff ball just shrugged before hopping off of me with a tiny toot.

“Aw come on!” I yelled before quickly jumping off the couch and fanning the air around me with my hands. “Whatever that shit is it fuckings stinks.”

Turning my attention back to the room around me that was lined with books I decided to call out again hoping to garner someone's attention. “Hello? Is anyone here?”

As if on queue a light brown pony with a slightly darker mane walked in and stopped when he saw me. “What? You’re not supposed to be here? The bloody hell is going on?” He then went wide eyed and ran out the door as Twilight entered through what seems to be a kitchen.

Twilight noticed him run out. “Time Turner? Oh boy… I hope he didn’t freak out when he saw him.” She looked to me and smiled as she summoned a scroll and quill. “Oh you’re up! Do you feel alright?”

“Could be better.” I replied giving Mighty a nasty look. “But yeah I’m okay. My throat is dry as fuck though, could I get some water perhaps?”

Mighty just looked back and raised his poofy eyebrows for a second. And then tooted again. God they’re just as bad as when I was in that cage.

Twilight got a whiff and blanched. “What is with that dogs farts?! It’s like something died!” She sighed. “I’ll go get some water” she decided to physically get the cup instead of using her magic.

“Geez that smells awful! FUCK” I mumbled still fanning the air around me hoping to dissipate the horrid smell. I should probably wait for Twilight to get back instead of snooping around her home I thought as I sat back down on the little red couch. that’s never turned out well for me.

“Is the smell gone?!” Twilight called from the other room. The stench was lingering as mighty just smiled evilly at me.

“Not quite.” I responded still fanning the area around me. “Wait, why don’t you come in here and use one of your fancy spells like you did last time?”

“Umm…” she walks in and does just that. She looked at me embarrassed. Soon a glass of water floated over to me.

I quickly grabbed the water and drank all of it almost in one gulp. “Ah!” I said slamming the glass down on a nearby wooden table. “That really hit the spot, thank you.”

“You are welcome. So… what are you?” Twilight asked looking very interested in me.

I sighed, “didn’t we already go over this when literally everyone in power was going to kill me down in your basement? I’m a human.” I said waving my arm around lazily in the air. “And apparently the most hated thing in the world.”

“How could I forget!” Twilight practically yelled with a face splitting smile. She then proceeded to ask a boatload of questions. “Where did you come from? What’s it like? What are the appendages on your… forelegs?” Wait where did that quill and parchment come from? She asked all those questions without even breathing while writing on her scroll.

“Woah woah woah! Slow down! Jesus, you really are a nerd aren’t you?” I asked looking at her in surprise.

And just like that a crash is heard from the window and I’m tasting the rainbow. Tastes like, skittles?

“Oow…” The rainbow spoke!
Twilight just stood there surprised not knowing what to do.

Spitting the hair out of my mouth. “Okay, Twilight instead of just sitting on your ass over there looking surprised could you please get the sky off of me?” I asked still a little dazed from the surprise impact.

The sky tensed up and jumped off of me in a blink of an eye. “Sorry! Sorr… hey it’s you!” Twilight facepalmed? Facehooved? Yeah facehooved.

“Hey.” I said tensing up a little as well. I don’t like that tone of voice. “Look, if you’re gonna beat me up like every other pony creature here can you wait until I’ve had something to eat at least?”

“What? No! I mean unless you want to go a round! Then I’ll have you eating the floor! But you are awesome! How did you survive inside Nightmare Moon?!

“Wha?” I asked dumbfounded. A pony who doesn’t want to skin me alive?! I almost fell to the floor at the revelation.

Or was it due to the fact that I was just tackled to the floor? Doesn’t matter.

“Dash!” Twilight sighed. “That’s the second window this week! Can you please not practice in front of the library?”

Dash just waved her hoof at her. “Twilight. That’s what’s insurance is for. Didn't you know that?”

Twilight’s eye twitched and she sighed. “I give up. Anyways this here is Heel. He is a human and I was trying to study him before you dropped in on us.”

“Thanks for that by the way.” I said to the now the named Dash. “Anyhow, what do you creatures eat for breakfast around here? I tried to eat some muffins about.” I paused trying to remember how long ago that noble had destroyed my breakfast with my own door and then promptly gave up continuing anyway.

“Eh i don’t even know, but a noble came in and destroyed my would be breakfast almost as soon as I’d gotten it.” It was at this moment that my stomach decided to growl.

Twilight spoke up first. “Let me take a guess… Blue Blood?” She deadpanned.

“Does he have yellow hair and is racist as buck?”

She just groaned. “What would you like?”

Dash on the other hand spoke up. “Who’s Blue Blood?”

I ignored Dash’s question instead opting to get some food in me. “You wouldn’t happen to have blueberry muffins would you?” Words could not describe how much I wanted some blueberry muffins especially after blueblood destroyed some perfectly edible ones before.

“Yes we do! I only have one left though.” She Summons the tasty treat with Her magic and starts to float it over to me.

I watched it daintily float toward my mouth already watering. That is until a gray blur tackled it out of the air.

“Muffin!!!” Said grey blur smashed into the opposite wall with the entire muffin in her mouth.

We all looked in confusion until Dash spoke up. “Derpy?”

“Oh come one!” I wailed watching the delicious treat be snatched away from me and eaten right in front of me.

That’s when I noticed her eyes. They were pointed in separate directions!

She looked super pleased with herself enjoying MY muffin! She somehow noticed me waved at me a content smile on her face.

Dash sighed. “I’m sorry, she can be a bit of an airhead at times.”

“M-my, my muffin! Such a cruel cruel world!” I said dropping onto a nearby couch in defeat.Someday I thought someday.

Derpy looked worried. “I just don’t know what went wrong!” Dash facehooved.

“We know Derpy, we know…” Dash sighed.

Twilight broke her silence and spoke. “Well… is there anything else you would like?” She cringed.

“Uh, do you have like a burger? Or maybe a steak?” I asked idly looking around the room.

The three of them just stared at me in fear. “What exactly did you say you eat again?” Twilight spoke as she powered up her horn.

“Meat and vegetables why do you as-” I stopped spotting her glowing horn. “Oh fer fucks sake.” I said slumping down into the couch. “Whatevs SparkleButt, make it quick alright?”

Dash got in a defencive stance while Derpy just went back to chewing on my muffin. “Just give me the word Twi and I’ll have him eating dirt in ten seconds flat.”

Twilight on the other hand was having an internal debate. “Wait… we couldn’t do anything to him anyways… he’s a noble. Attacking him would be treason.”

“Oh yeah, I am a noble aren’t I?” I thought rubbing my chin in thought. “Certainly didn’t stop anyone else from kicking me to the dirt though.”

“So I mean yeah Dash you wanna have me eating dirt by all means, I’ve eaten enough earth in the last few days to fill up a whole acre probably. “

Twilight spoke up very concerned. “Wait… who all has hurt you since you became a noble?”

“Eh? Let’s see here.” I said pulling up all the names of the people or ponies that had attacked me from the little folder in my brain. “There was Celestia, You, Blueblood, I technically fought Luna in a dream battle and somehow won, a gangsta rabbit, Mighty, and pretty much every fucking solar guard in that shithole they call a fucking palace.”

Dash looked confused. “Why does it matter, Twi? It’s not the end of the world.”

Twilight on the other hand just plopped on her butt with a thousand yard stare.

The fuck is up with her? Now that they weren’t trying to kill me I stood up and went over to Twilight waving my hand in front of her face.”Hello?! Anyone in there?” She made no indication that she saw or heard me.

“Does this happen often?” I asked turning my attention to Dash.

Dash just shook her head. “Not like this. She normally just freaks out. But I’ve never seen her do this before. Whatever it is it must be a big deal.”

“Any idea what the “big deal” is this time?” I inquired as I absentmindedly began petting Twilight like a cat.

That’s when Twilight snapped out of it and yelled. “You could sue the crown for treason! How could they make such a huge mistake!?” She then continued to mutter to herself like she earned a small white marshmallow room alone.

I could?! Suddenly all the pieces came together in my mind. That’s right, I’m a noble now. I remembered Luna saying something about becoming queen if I married her. The possibilities were truly endless!

I had to fight really hard to keep a smirk from forming on my face but I managed as I continued to pet Twilight like a cat.

“Relax Twilight, I would never do such a thing, Sure I’m angry at them but I’m still alive! And at the end of the day that’s all that really matters. So don’t go crazy on me alright?”

She sighed deeply. “Thank Celestia! I guess you really aren’t evil.” She said giving me a small smile. “So are you still hungry?” She questioned.

I opened my mouth to respond but was cut off “And no meat!” She practically yelled at me looking nervous at the mention of it..

“Well, what do have available since my muffin meet an untimely demise.” I asked shelving my plans away for later.

“Well… I could make you something.” Twilight thought out loud.

Dash jumped on that tho. “Don’t do it! She can’t cook for her life!”

“Huh?” I asked looking at Dash. I thought all girls could cook good. “It can’t be that bad.”

Dash shook her head and walked up to me and whispered. “Not only was it moving. I swear it tried to talk…”

Twilight cut in. “What are you whispering?”

I looked at dash with wide eyes before whispering back, “Are you fucking serious?”

Dash just looked me in the eyes. “I honestly wish I was joking. The worst part was when Rarity took a bite before it started moving. Now if she even hears about Twilight’s cooking she faints on the spot.”

Twilight was getting annoyed now. “Hey?! What are you whispering?!” Meanwhile Derpy was crawling out the window that was next to the door. Fuck. And she doesn’t even hide her lady bits… not what I wanted to see.

“Nothing important Twilight.” I said trying to get the image of derpy’s bits out of my mind. “Just discussing some eh, different food options than home cooking.” I said with a smile.

She then squinted her eyes at Dash. “You’re talking about the incident aren’t you?”

Dash went wide eyed and refused to look her in the eyes. “N-no! That would be not cool! And I’m totally cool!”

Twilight growled a bit. “I thought we agreed to never speak of that again?!” She started walking towards Dash with a menacing look on her face.

Dash looked over at me. “Well look at the time!” She said looking at her forehoof. “I gotta dash! Cya human!” In a blur of speed she was off the ground and out the door.

“Get back here!” Twilight quickly gave chase but sighed in defeat when she realized Dash was long gone.

“Someday I’ll learn a wing spell and I’ll chase you down!” She said staring angrily at the open door. “Wonder what I’ll do when I catch you.”

I stared at her, then at the door dash had just dashed out of. “Ooookay then, do you have a carrot or something like that?” I asked hoping to get some food and divert her attention.

She just groaned. “Are you sure you don’t want me to make you something?” She looked at me in desperation.

“Look Twilight, I’m sure you’re a, fine cook but I really just want something simple okay? A carrot, maybe an apple?” I asked with a semi-strained smile.

“Ooo what if I make you a muffin?! I know you wanted one!” She was bouncing slightly on her hooves.

“Ehhh I uh,” I can’t be rude. And she really wants to do it, but based on what Dash said… Eh screw it, It can’t be THAT bad right?

“Okay fine Twilight, you can make me a muffin.” I said with a sigh. I really hope I don’t regret this.

“Eeeeee!!!” She was almost bouncing off the walls with excitement. “I can try that spell again!” With that she darted into a nearby room which I assumed was the kitchen.

Now let me tell you, I don’t know what the fuck is going on in there, but it’s like a club show in there! The amount of different colored lights flashing from the doorway is almost blinding!

The light show went on a little while longer before Twilight came back with a pan of six, blue, no wait green, no that’s yellow, what?! They kept changing colors! That’s when the smell hit. It was like one of Mighty’s farts times six.

It was horrid! Mighty actually ran and jumped out the window.

I stared at the plate defeated. I regret this. “O-oh, finished already huh?” I said chuckling while looking at the plate of muffins with morbid curiosity. I have to eat that?! FUCK.

“Go on, take a bite!” She seemed so excited too. And then one popped. Fucking skittles flew everywhere. Twilight looked confused as fuck as she floated a few over to look at. “What are these?”

“You don’t know what a skittle is?” I asked looking at her flabbergasted. I then grabbed one inspecting it. I mean it looks like a normal skittle. But then again Twilight did use magic on it…

Twilight was confused now. “I’ve never heard of it. What is it?”

“Well, it’s a candy, it normally taste quite good.” I said turning the skittle in my hand around still unsure. “But you did you some of your fancy magic on it so I’m not sure how this particular batch will taste.” The more I look at it the more I want to eat it!

She just looks at it for a few moments then tossed one in her mouth. She then fell to the floor shivering and moaning. “This is the best thing I have ever tasted!” And I think she just came…

I stared at Twilight my mouth agape. Did she just fucking orgasm to a skittle? My mind has officially broken. “Twi? What the fuck? How did? WHAT?!”

I sighed rubbing my forehead with my hand. “You know what? Forget it, nothing in this world makes any fucking sense.” I then looked at the skittle I was holding. Alright, this thing is magically fucked up, I ain’t eating this! I moved to toss the tiny treat away but then an Idea hit me.

Ya know what, these good be rather useful. With that thought in mind I moved around the room and picked up a handful of the magically infused skittles.

“Hey Twilight, You got a container I could put these in or something?”

All I got in response was a pleasured moan. Spike walked in though. And then promptly left without a word.

Alright I guess she’s a little preoccupied at the moment. Guess I’ll just have to find a container on my own. Still holding the skittles I began moving through Twilight’s home searching for a container or bag of some kind to take these precious little jewels with me.

Honestly I had one target in mind. And that was Lovely Break, her teasing was getting rather annoying anyway, so why not give her what she wants? I’m such a nice guy!

I found a little wooden box in the kitchen about the size of my fist. Spike quickly darted to the kitchen past Twilight. “What did you do to Twilight?! And how can I do that?!”

I stared at the little drake. “Why exactly do you want to be able to do that?” I asked raising my eyebrow.

“Uhhh… reasons?” He fake laughed as he shrugged.

“Uh huh,” I said looking at him questionably. “Tell ya what, if you give me a bag or some kind of box I can use to carry these things in I’ll tell you how.” I said gesturing to the pile of skittles I held in my hand.

He quickly ran over to a drawer and pulled out a small empty sack. He then ran to me and put it in my hand and waited.

Damn. That was fast as fuck. I opened the sack and put all the skittles I had on me into it. Then motioning for the little guy to follow me I returned to the room with the couch.

He followed promptly. He refused to look at Twilight though.” Well? How did you do it?!”

“Right here little guy.” I said gesturing to the skittles strewn about the floor. “These little things get the job done.”

I went over to the nearest pile and began putting more skittles into the little sac.

Two more muffins decided to explode while Spike was next to them. A skittle got lodged in his throat. He looked at me terrified and then ran upstairs covering his dick. “This never happened!”

Holy shit. I thought watching him dart up the stairs. Poor guy. I continued picking up skittles until the little bag was full. I then went over to Twilight and tapped her on the head.

“Ey, you alright?”

She just tensed up for a moment and added to the growing pool below her.

“Geez. This is some powerful shit.” With Twilight out of commission and Spike occupied, I was at a loss for what to do. Luna wasn’t here and I’m fairly certain Celestia would’ve killed me in my sleep by now so I didn’t have to worry about her for a while.

That only left exploring, so explore I shall. Leaving the room I decided to explore the rest of Twilight’s abode. There has to be something interesting in here.

There were books and more books. Not much else on this floor. Other than the Twigasm over there the place was utterly boring.

Deciding that the home of a librarian really wasn’t that interesting after all I went to the room I had seen Twilight enter to make the muffins assuming it was the kitchen.

My assumption was proven right when I entered the room and found a messy countertop, a stove, and a refrigerator. Twilight has to have some kind of food that doesn’t cause an orgasim in here.

I made my way over to the fridge and opened it hoping to find some kind of normal food in there.

To my luck there was an assortment of vegetables ranging from lettuce, to carrots and what I think is a radish. I honestly had no clue.

Sticking with what I knew I grabbed a few carrots and quickly devoured them. The fridge was packed to the brim with many other foods but all of were either alien to me or didn’t look safe to eat. How long has that food been in there?

Anyhow after I’d eaten enough to stop the hunger pains I returned to the main room of the house.

Holding a rainbow muffin was Derpy. She was sitting there staring at it confused. “What kind of muffin is this?”

Oh come on! What am I supposed to do now? Do I stop her? I mean Twilight only ate one skittle and was out of commission, what will if Derpy eats a cupcake? Ah shit it probably isn’t a good idea. “Hey Derpy!” I called out hoping to stall her.

She jumped in fright dropping the muffin. “Oh hi! What kind of muffin is this?”

“Uh, A uh, a bad muffin?” I said unsure.

“There is no such thing as a bad muffin! They are just unique!” She looked annoyed? But why?

“No trust me, derpy, you really don’t want that muffin.” Reaching into the sac I pulled out a single red skittle. “What you REALLY want is this.” I said holding it out toward her, “The muffin really isn’t necessary.”

She literally duck faces while thinking about it. “But I like muffins!” She stomped a hoof.

I slowly made my way toward her. “But don’t you want to at least try something new?” I said trying to make the skittle look as enticing as possible. Take the damn bait!

She raises the muffin. “But this is new! I’ve never had this kind before!”

I was getting pretty close to her now, and I’m pretty sure I’m close enough. Yes! Moving quickly I lunged toward the muffin trying to swipe it away from her as fast as possible.

Derpy squeaked and rolled into a ball to protect it. “No! My muffin!”

“For fucks sake!” I yelled as I tried to open up the ball that was now derpy. “Just give me the muffin and take the fucking skittle!”

She squealed like a pig before bucking hard in the chest sending me flying across the room.

“Aw fuck that hurt like a bitch!” I said gritting my teeth. “I give up, if you want to eat the rainbow muffin and have a fucking orgasm then whatevs! I don’t care anymore!” I stumbled my way to my feet rubbing my back the whole time.

I swear, if I can’t find a place free of fucking pony influence I might just kill myself. Still aching all over I bent down and picked up the little sac of skittles I’d dropped.

She slowly stood up watching me carefully. She then slowly took a bite off the top of the muffin. About three seconds later she face planted into the ground her wings rigged. She proceeded to wet herself as she moaned on the floor. Her pupils not even knowing where to look.

“Well isn’t this just fan-fucking tastic!” I said to no one in particular watching derpy basically shut down from pleasure on the floor. “First Twilight, then that poor dragion, and now a cross eyed grey horse!” How the fuck did Twilight make magically infused orgasm candy?! Where the fuck is she learning how to cook!

She layer there for a few seconds just taking in the pleasure. And then her pupils bounced back into focus. “I… I need…”

Now thoroughly freaked out I started backing away from the gray mare. What is this some zombie type shit now?! “Y-you need what?”

She slowly struggled to her hooves. And snapped to me. “A MALE!” She bolted towards me. At least she can’t use her wings. They are still stiff.

“Aw hell naw!” I screamed running toward the door. “I ain’t fucking a horse not today!”

I darted out the door and bolt away. Derpy almost bounces off the door and the chase begins. “GET BACK HERE!”

“Back the fuck up you crazy bitch! I tried to warn you about that fucking muffin but NOOOooo! It was a rainbow muffin! You’d never tried a rainbow one before! FUCK OFF!” I hollard back as I zoomed through the small town.
Everyone was staring at me, and I mean who could blame them? It’s not everyday you see a weird alien creature running through town being chased by a grey mare who’s demanding sex. Geez now that I’ve said it I think I really have gone fucking insane. Where’s a deus Ex Machina when you need it?

I just kept running and running. We eventually made our way out of town and I was able to find a hiding from her in the form of a tree.

“WHERE DID YOU GO! I NEED IT! NOW!” She was getting closer. I could hear it.

Shit shit shit, please just give up. Aren’t there plenty of other males back in town?!

From behind the tree I heard a bark… and then a yip as it was tackled by Derpy. She screamed out in a moan. “YES!”

Did she just, what the fuck?! That’s some powerful shit! Without looking I silently made my way back the way I’d come. I’m not even gonna peak at what’s going on back there. I wouldn’t have enough brain bleach for that shit.

I can hear Derpy’s moans from a good distance away. Dash was flying over when she noticed me and flew down.

“Hey! You survived Twi’s cooking! Anyways have you seen Derpy? I heard she came running in this direction.”

“Ah, eh. She’s uh, a little preoccupied at the moment.” I replied nervously.

Dash sighed. “She got stuck somewhere again didn’t she…”

I held my hand. “No dash you don’t understand, she’s a little preoccupied with something personal” I said emphasizing the word.

She squinted at me. “What did you do?”

“Listen rainbow, you were right about Twilight's cooking, she made fucking orgasm candies and muffins!”

She stuck a hoof in my chest. “Where’s Derpy? Show me.”

“Right now she’s in the woods fucking a dog.” I said running a hand through my hair. “And before you ask no I didn’t do shit, she ate one of the orgasm muffins. I even tried to stop her!”

“What the buck? I don’t believe you! Derpy would never do that! Bring me to Derpy! NOW!” She was not going to take no for an answer. At least not without me getting my face beat in.

“Hell no! I ain’t taking you back there to see that shit myself! Look she’s over somewhere in that direction.” I said pointing in the direction I had just come from. “I didn’t look at her when trying to escape because I won’t be unable to unsee that shit!” And I thought watching a giant lizard get torn limb for limb by black vines was bad!

She growled a little before taking a breath and calming down. “So where exactly is she?”

I threw my hands up in the air exasperated. “FINE! If you want to see it so bad then come on follow me!” I yelled angrily marching back the way I’d come. “But if I see that shit It’s your ass you got that?”

She pumped her hoof like a person would do a fist pump. “Yes! I didn’t have to beat somepony this time!” She then quickly caught up with me as I walked.

We proceeded toward where I had last heard derpy. I was absolutely dreading what my eyes would behold.

We walked for a moment in silence. And then I saw it. Derpy butt to butt with a dog about the same size as her if not bigger. Derpy just hung there her head on the ground breathing with small moans.

I turned to dash, “Alright, great job dashy girl. Now I can’t unsee that shit.” I yelled at her while pointing at the abomination before us. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go over there and claw my eyes out toodles!”

With that I ran over to a nearby bush and did just that. And let me tell you, it hurt like hell. Okay I didn’t really claw my eyes out. (I need those things) But I did give myself a good mental beating trying to wipe that image from my mind.

About a minute later Dash showed up next to me with stiff wings and looking forwards.” That’s… actually kinda hot…” she looked at me up and mostly down and smirked. She now had to walk away due to her stiff wings.

“Welp that settles it, this place is royally fucked up!” I said getting to my feet. “I am out of here!”

I have come to the conclusion that being anywhere near ponies is just asking for murphey to call so I think it’s high time I take matters into my own hands. Deciding it was probably a good idea to get away form Derpy and Dash before they came back and dragged me into some crazy shit I began to slowly trudge through the nearby woods.

A plan of revenge against Celestia had been brewing in the back of my mind for a while now But given the pieces Twilight and Luna had given me it was not as far out of my reach as I had once believed. All it would require was a little learning.

What I needed was place with absolutely zero fucking ponies to screw things up! Thinking back on all the places I’d been/”lived” in the only viable option was the forest I’d woken up in.

Alright. I thought as I slowly trudged through the woods. Let’s say I go through with this idea I’ve been toying around with, I need to learn how live out in the forest doom which will probably take two months. I need to figure out how to make clothes which will be a huge pain in the ass since I don’t even know where to start. AND I’ll probably need that book from the Canterlot Library.

Overall this whole plan would probably take nine months to put into action. Even longer if I was going to court Luna. But the time didn’t matter anymore. No matter what I was going to make Celestia pay for what she and her little ponies had done to me! Even if It took an eternity.

After about ten minutes I found a hole in the ground that lead into some kind of cave system.

Getting there was hell though because the place was surrounded by thorn bushes and weird looking plants I wasn’t going to touch with a ten-foot pole!. No one will find me here. I thought excitedly. And it’s the perfect hideout to get things done in out of plain sight.

I slowly entered the cave watching the darkness for any sudden movement that might indicate danger. After I got a few feet in a soft orange light filled the dark rooms of the cage and to my awe I discovered the cave walls were lined with these weird black spiky plants that emitted a soft glow from a bulb at the top of the stem.

Well I guess I don’t have to worry about lighting I thought as I stared at one in awe. Things seemed to be going good for me now because to my luck the cave opened up into a huge spacious room. Holy shit. I thought smiling like an idiot. This is perfect.

In the middle of the clearing was a small pond. So I have water. Although there is a hole on the ceiling, but it doesn’t matter. It can help light up the and help me determine the time of day. It doesn’t seem like anyones been here in years.

The first thing that intrigued me was the suspicious pool of water in the middle of the clearing. It may look like water, but knowing this crazy world it was probably some magically infused water that did crazy shit.

I walked over to the pool and stared at my reflection. I looked like a mess. Too my great annoyance I saw that Twilights little light show of fire had given me a bald head.
Very cautiously I began moving my hand to touch the water. My finger was about to touch the water before I quickly pulled it away. What the fuck am I doing?! This shit might be acid or something and I was about to touch it like an idiot!

Instead of risking one of my own limbs by touching the suspicious looking water I instead went and found a medium sized rock and threw it into the water.

The rock came launching back at me and hit me in my forehead. As I stumbled back a second hit me in the same spot. What the hell? I only threw one!

I stared in awe at the seemingly duplicated rock. Did this water just duplicate this? Delicately I picked up the rock and began feeling it over. Yep this is definitely a rock. I had feared it would shatter or disappear when I touched it but it was a one-hundred percent genuine rock.

I looked back at the pond before tossing the rock in again. Just like before a duplicate popped out leaving me with three rocks. Holy shit. This thing is amazing! The possibilities were now truly endless. Any resource I acquired could be duplicated in this thing!

With this new information I went over to a conveniently chair shaped rock and sat down to have a good hard think. I now had essentially infinite resources, and no one would find me in this cave. I really had all the time in the world!

But there was a downside to this, and this was the part of the plan I had been dreading since I started thinking about my plans against Celestia.

I would have to survive in this cursed forest for at least nine months. And I’ll be honest, I was terrified of that prospect. I had no magic, I had no fancy tricks. That’s what made me feel so powerless here, everyone else had their fancy horns, and their fancy spears and then there was little old me. With absolutely no magical ability whatsoever.

How the fuck was I going to survive in a place infested with black spiked vines, giant eight headed lizards and who knows what else?

Well my thoughts on the issue didn’t matter anymore. It’s not like I could go back to the pony village and pretend that everything’s alright. I thought as I set the little white sac I’d been carrying down on the ground. I hate those fucking ponies, they’re always so oblivious to my problems and just smile and smile and smile! Don’t they understand how stressful it is when everything’s trying to kill you? Even the countries leaders?! I shook my head in annoyance.

Whatever, I’d been sitting on this rock for far too long now. If I didn’t go do something I would never get up! So I quickly got to my feet and made my way out of the cave.

Alright! I thought as I looked at the alien fauna from the entrance of my new home. First things first, how the fuck do I made tools? Sure I had seen movies where the survivors had cobbled together some shoddily made tools, but that was probably movie magic! How on earth do I do that?

I cast a glance to the surrounding trees and bushes looking for any movement. Seeing none I carefully made my way out of the cave. It was now, while slowly walking through the alien forest looking for materials that might allow me to create a tool that I realized just how weird it was to not be able to see the sun,

The canopy above me was so thick that only a small amount of light could get through resulting in little lasers of lights sparsely coming through the leaves. The light that let me actually see where I was going were all weird glowing plants or small creatures. It was really freaky, all these plants with blue or orange bulbs on them lighting up everything. And these weird small blue glowing ants.

They looked exactly like ants, but something was definitely off about them so I kept my distance.

I did thoroughly scare myself a few times when I almost tripped and fell on huge tree roots that were jutting out from the ground. The trees were super fucking tall and that made the roots thick as fuck!

Finally, after who knows how long I found a rock wall lined with skinny light green vines. Each vine had a few small leaves daintily swaying in the light breeze of the forest.

I examined them for a while scared they would turn out to be huge piranha plants or something. After a while of nothing happening I came to the conclusion that this was not the case and began prying them off the rock with my hands.

They were really tough and I had a hard time pulling them apart, but after a few good yanks I managed to get a few small strands off of the rockface.

Despite how alien the place looked, at the moment it was very tranquil, aside from a few unnerving plants and small insects it wasn’t the hellhole I had known it to be. If it’s like this all the time I might actually enjoy myself out here.

Now that I had what I guess was a natural rope to tie things together with, I set off in search of a material to make a handle out of. I searched for a while but couldn’t find anything I thought was suitable. It was at this point that I realized I didn’t know what I was looking for.

I don’t know how to make a fucking tool from nothing! I thought angrily as I pushed my way through a densely packed bush. Minecraft made this shit look way easier than it actually is! Before I could continue my internal rant my foot caught on something and I fell face first onto the ground on the other side of the bush.

Groaning in pain I looked up and saw a semi thick branch with a sharpened edge. It wasn’t the most smooth branch I’d ever seen but honestly I think it’ll work rather nicely as a handle.

I got to my feet and picked up the stick. I can work with this.

Unfortunately just as things were starting to go my way life decided now was the time to intervene. Suddenly all the plants that were emitting light went out. All the light in the forest was now gone.

Just as I was about to shit myself in fear the light came back in the form of a small orange hue. What the fuck is happening?! Suddenly I heard a terrifying screech nearby.

“Ah Fuck.”

Goo. Bright glowing goo started to flow towards me. I could see a crimson red liquid flowing through it as it slowly approached.

“Oh you have got to be kidding me! What the fuck is this thing?!” I screamed looking at it unnerved.

Remembering the last few times I’d stood there like an idiot only for creatures to attack me I slowly began backing away from the glowing goo.

It slowly went in my direction as I necked away. Why does it smell so fruity?!

Looking around I spotted a medium sized rock nearby. I quickly grabbed it and chucked it at the weird goo creature.

The rock got stuck inside the small creature. It stopped for a moment before spitting it back at me. Of course the rock hit me in the balls.

“FUCK!” I screamed clutching my balls in agony. The little slimy creature continued its course.

And things were just starting to go well for me! I grabbed the vines and branch I had dropped and retreated deeper into the forest leaving the gooey slime creature behind.

It was while stumbling through the now orange tinted forest that I realized a chilling fact. I had no clue where the cave was anymore. I hadn’t left any landmarks, or trials to follow back. In fact I didn’t even label my home with some kind of beacon.

I was well and truly lost. “Well shit.”

I walked around aimlessly for about half an hour searching for the cave entrance but I had well and truly lost it.

Finally I broke through a treeline of apple trees and was tackled by a terrified floofy wooden puppy.

Mighty?! I thought in surprise looking at the wooden dog. In the distance I could hear a few high pitched voices chattering excitedly, “Where’d it go?!”

“I don’t know. But we have to find it, come on! We’ll get our cutie marks in monster hunting I just know it!”

Oh for fucks sakes, I just ran into this forest to escape you creatures! I got to my feet holding mighty in my arms. “Alright listen Mighty” I whispered to the dog, “Stay as quiet as possible and we're gonna sneak out of here alright? No more fucking ponies!”

Having calmed mighty down a little bit I began quietly sneaking back toward the tree-line.

“What’s that?!” I hear behind me.

“It’s stealing our monster! Get it!” And thus the sound of tiny hooves pounded as they ran after me.

“Oh come on!” I yelled as my walk turned into a sprint, “Back off you miniature horses! I don’t want to talk with you tiny fiends!” I screamed as I ducked under a branch.

I made it back into the forest and lost them in it. I didn’t have to run for long until I heard a trio of screams behind me.

For fuck sakes. I thought as my running slowed. I fucking hate ponies but from their voices they sounded like kids. Finally I came to a stop the internal debate raging in my head.

“I’m gonna fucking regret this.” I thought as I turned around and went back.

I quickly made it back to the voices. The three filly’s screamed even louder once they saw me. They were surrounded by three big wooden wolves who were all growling menacingly..

“Yup.” I said as I quickly scooped up the three fillies and began running through the woods carrying them and mighty, “I definitely fucking regretted this.” Now let me tell you, carrying those three fillies on top of the strands of vines and the huge stick made my back hurt like hell and I’m fairly certain one of the muscles in my arm gave out, but when you’re running for your life you can do anything you set your mind to.

The wolves quickly gave chase. Mighty began barking and yipping over my shoulder as we ran. He seemed to be trying to talk to them. Before I could sush him or do anything he fucking jumped over my shoulder.

“What the hell are you doing Mighty?!” I yelled as I continued running.

Mighty ran over to the closest one and tackled it. And they started playing? The other two ground to a halt and soon relaxed just watching Mighty.

I stopped in my tracks confused watching Mighty as he ran around with his new friend. “Is that fucking Mighty’s parents?” I asked no one in particular.

It’s probably his parents who the fuck am I kidding, whoever controls this universe just fucking hates my guts.

Tired from running carrying so much stuff I dropped the three fillies to the ground.

“Alright you three small horses get going. Scram!” I said making a shooing motion with my hands.

They darted as one of the wolves growled. Mighty and the one he was playing with approached me and sat in front of me barking and yipping at each other while watching me.

“You have got to be kidding me.” I said to the dogs, “what do you want?”

They obviously couldn’t understand me and tilted their heads simultaneously. It would have been kinda cute it one hadn’t just tried to eat me. Although I could figure that they were agreeing on something. Don’t know what. The two that were watching left though.

“Ookay, well I’m gonna go now and HOPEFULLY you guys aren’t gonna fucking eat me the moment I turn my back.”

As I walk away I do notice that they seem to be following me like a… lost dog. They keep chatting with each other on the walk.

You know what, It ain’t worth my energy. I thought as I continued to plod along searching for the cave entrance again. Despite how fucking lost I am I will find that cave again! And this time I won’t be so fucking stupid to not leave a damn marker!

I walked in a random direction for a while. I don’t know how long it was till I found the little slime again. It just so happened to be eating a blood red fruit and would release a large bubble that made a terrifying screeching noise when it surfaced. To my surprise Mighty’s mom just went and started licking it like it was ice cream.

Alright, whatevs, I’ve seen crazier. I thought as I watched the wooden creature yap up the large bubble.

I soon continued my journey in search of the same cave that I had left the skittles in. It wasn’t really the cave I wanted so bad as it was the duplication pool within it. I would never have to go searching for vines again when I found it because I could just duplicate them.

While I was walking the forest lighting changed color once again, all the light plants went out but soon returned glowing a light blue. That’s gonna be difficult to get used to. No forest on earth just randomly changed colors but whatevs.

Eventually I found the cave by accidentally falling into entrance.It hurt like hell but hey I found it! The two wolves also followed me down into the entrance. They avoided the pool though.

Yes finally! I screamed internally running deeper into the cave. Sitting next to the same rock I’d left was the little white sac of skittles and the duplication pond. It was all worth it! I thought setting the materials I’d gathered down on a nearby flat rock.

It was time to get to work.

Author's Note

We finally got the newest chapter out! Though we’re like 10 minutes late... whatever! Hope you enjoy! I know I sure did.~

3- I'm Not A Bitch! I'm A Dog!

-Bitch!

I won’t forget this diner mint. I thought bitterly before turning my attention to the guard on my balcony.

“Just leave it on the fucking balcony and I’ll return it to its rightful owner.” I said exasperated.

He instantly got more pissed. “You think I’m going to touch your bucking toy!? Take it before I shove it up your ass!”

“Maybe your the gay bastard considering how you just described using it on me! Just set it on the balcony you feather brain!” I yelled breathing heavily.

“You motherbucker! You know what!” He threw his spear at me causing the toy horse cock to slip off and smack me in the face. “Eat that you bitch!” He then spun around and flew off the balcony.

“Come back here you piece of shit!” I yelled running a couple steps after him. I gave up when I reached the edge of the balcony. Shit, what am I supposed to do with this thing? I wondered looking at it in disgust.

There is no way in hell I’m touching that! But at the same time I can’t just leave it out here. That left only one option. I had to find Mrs. diner mint and make her take it back!

I quickly rushed back inside and slammed the door to my room wide open.

“LYRA! YOU BETTER COME BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!” I screamed while running through the hallway searching for the mint colored mare.

All that greeted me was an almost empty hallway. The only ponies around were maids running back and forth doing who knows what. Probably cleaning.

Alas, Lyra was nowhere in sight so I returned to my room. I have to get this thing out of here before anyone comes back.

As I was thinking this over someone knocked on the door. What? Who could that be? Maybe the diner mint has finally come back!

I quickly flung open the door my mouth open ready to spew a thousand curses on the mint green mare.

“Here’s your order sir.” A way to cheerful voice said.

Huh? I thought confused my mind halting for a few minutes. There in the doorway stood Lovely Break with a platter of food balanced on her back . Shit I left the balcony door open!

“O-Oh, Hi Lovely Break!” I said quickly stepping fully into the doorway hoping to block her view. “I thought you were someone else.”

She looked disappointed. “So… You didn’t want to fuck my cunt hole like the pervert I am?”

“Fuck no. Anyhow, thank you for the food.” I said quickly grabbing the trey. “Cya around!” I flashed her a big smile before stepping back and closing the door.

The food smelled and looked amazing especially the three blueberry muffins. What wasn’t amazing was the door that burst open smacking me in the side and launching the delectable food off towards the horse cock that was still sitting on the balcony.

“So where is this ‘creature’ that intends on marrying Aunty Luna?!”

“Excuse me” I said in a flat tone. “Has anyone ever taught you the concept of knocking before barging into someone’s room?”

A white stallion with a blonde mane walked through the door. “What the buck is that THING?!”

“You mean me?” I deadpanned looking at him annoyed.

He gave me a bamboozled look. “It speaks?!”

“Alright buddy. I don’t know who you are and frankly I don’t care. Get the fuck out of my room, you’ve already ruined my breakfast!”

I have a tendency of pissing these white motherfuckers off apparently as he was not happy. “I. Am. Not. Your. Buddy. I am the prince of Equestria! And I don’t like you! So why don’t you go back to your cave you freak!”

Alright, I’m not gonna sit here and deal with this ponies bullshit. I think it’s time someone learned a lesson! Winding back my arm I punched the so called “prince of Equestria” in the face.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP! I’VE JUST ABOUT HAD IT WITH YOU PONIES!”

“YOU DISGUSTING FREAK! I'LL HAVE YOU SENT TO TARTARUS FOR THAT!” He yelled quickly darting out the door, “AUNTIE CELESTIA!”

“Come back here you bitch!” I screamed chasing after him.

“BUCK YOU! GUARDS! HELP!” Suddenly Out of nowhere multiple guards were behind me.

Thank goodness most were normal guards. But sadly there was a Pegasus who was much faster. “Hey!” He called out smirking while pointing the dull end of his spear at me, “Guess I will be shoving something up your ass today!”

Where the fuck did they come from?! I thought in a panic as I kept chasing after the white pony who had ruined my breakfast and insulted me in one go.

There’s got to be a way to lose these guys, but what?

Unfortunately no answer presented itself. Instead I tripped over a bunched up section of carpet and was brutally violated by a spear.

“Ha ha! Got em!” Ahhhhh! FUCK THAT HURTS. At least it was thin… Unfortunately it appears the little bitch found Celestia.
.
“Auntie! Auntie! He attacked me! He attacked royalty! That’s treason! Send him to Tartarus!”

“Excuse me?!” I yelled staggering to my feet. “You just barged into my room without even knocking and insulted me! I ain’t gonna take that shit!”

Celestia sighed. “Blueblood You can’t send everything you don’t like to Tartarus. Last time you tried to banish a filly!” She said exasperated.

“It’s about time somepony taught you a lesson. Maybe I should reward whoever gave you something to think about other then your multiple mare friends!” She then looked over and saw me.

Her eyes widened and I swear she was going to blow up.

She plastered a totally real smile on her face before speaking, “Ah, Heel! I suppose we can discuss this reward alone. Please head back to your room and I’ll be there shortly.”

“O-oh there’s no need for a reward your highness.” I said trying to escape being in a room with her alone.

Her eye twitched. “Oh no. I would like to thank you personally. I insist.” The guard fucking yanked his spear out without warning.

Huuuggg My face scrunched up in pain. “W-w-well.” I choked out. “I-if you insists princess.” I then stumbled my way down the hallway back to my room.

My ass stings like a bitch tho… I made it back to my room without a problem.

Inside I found Lyra sitting on the floor eating the last muffin. Wait… where’d the dildo go?

“THERE YOU ARE!” I yelled pointing an accusatory finger at her. Before she could run I charged forward and grabbed her by her tail.

“Alright listen up diner mint! Celestia is going to be here any second to “reward” me for knocking some sense into Blueblood. So you’re going to be on your best behavior and NOT. FUCK. THIS. UP.”

I then let go of her tail. “Do you understand me?”

With her mouth stuffed full of muffin she nodded. He eyes widened as she pointed towards the balcony with a forhoof.

I directed my attention to the balcony fearing what I’d see.

There was nothing there. As I look back I saw Lyra running out of the room. I also found the horse dildo. She was using it.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! SHE FUCKED IT UP! Moving quickly I ran over to the dildo, picked it up, ran out onto the balcony, and threw it as far as I could.

I can hear someone walking in through the door. I turn to see Celestia with Lyra upside down in her magical grasp. “Today has been such a long day…”

She’s already here!? “You’re telling me.” I said flopping down onto the bed.

She sighed sitting down. “You know… Blueblood is such an annoyance. I have never met such an intolerable pony in a millennia! And honestly I do think I should reward you. As a reward I promise that you will never die by my hooves.”

I stared at her mouth agape. She’s not going to incinerate me? EVER?!

“HOLY SHIT!” I yelled jumping up with the goofiest grin ever on my face.

In my excitement I ran over and hugged, actually HUGGED Celestia almost crying. “Thank you so much! Now I can get out of this cursed place! I don’t have to court Luna or deal with those dick head guards of yours anymore!” I exclaimed the excitement making me shake.
“I’VE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE!” I roared with glee.

In an instant the room was boiling hot.

“So what you’re saying is, you don’t love my sister and you have been using her love towards you as a shield against me?!” She roared enraged.

“I’ll have you know I can put you through things far worse than death! Now, convince me not to show you what I mean!” She screeched. Her mane was literally on fire now and I had to backup or risk melting alive.

Lyra was on the edge of pissing herself from fear and the inability to leave.

“What’s your deal Princess! First you seem angry that I’m somehow courting your sister and now that I’ve said I don’t want to you still want to incinerate me! ALL YOU PONIES ARE FUCKING INSANE GET ME OUT OF HERE!” I screamed before running to the edge of the balcony. I’ve got to get out of here!

“For your information. I am mad because you are USING MY SISTER! YOU BITCH! Actually… that’s a great punishment!” Her magic flares up and I’m painfully transformed into a dog. A FEMALE dog at that.

What? What did she do to me! Why is everything getting taller?! WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME!

Lyra finally pissed herself. Celestia wore a huge evil grin as her horn began to glow a golden hue. “Enjoy being a bitch! It’s time for you and your pet to leave!”

The world swirled around me and I soon found myself in a very familiar looking forest.

HAHA this is just great! I said dying on the inside. I’m a fucking bitch and I’m in this DAMN FOREST AGAIN! FUUUUUU-

I heard some rustling behind me and quickly spun around to see what it was. My eyes were greeted with the wooden dog I’d rescued from this place ages ago.

“And What the fuck do you want!” I yelled, or rather barked at the dog in question.

“Who the fuck are you? Bitch.” The pink fluffy wood dog said to me. Somehow. What the fuck?

Whaaaaaa? Klein.exe has crashed.

“Wati wait wait wait, you can understand me? And I can understand you?!” I asked flabbergasted.

“What? Why wouldn’t you be able to understand me? We are both dogs. Now who are you?” He said getting annoyed.

“Look, I really don’t want to deal with you right now, especially since you fucking bit into my ass on the moon and wouldn’t let go. But Celestia turned me into a fucking dog and I really am dying on the inside right now due to losing my dick so basically what I’m telling you is.” I paused exasperated.

“Fuck off.”

“Wait… that means… YOU!” He fucking tackled me. Fortunately he wasn’t able to do anything due to me being slightly bigger than him and the fact that he was basically a poodle. He bounced off me landing on his back a few feet away unable to get up like a turtle.

“That was pathetic.” I said stumbling over to him. As it turns out going from two legs to four is quite the jarring transition.

“What did you think would happen? Look at you, now you can’t get up like a fucking turtle!”

“Fuck you!” He tried to roll over but failed multiple times. He cursed to himself. “Fffuck… I-I need help.” He said defeated.

“And tell me.” I said stopping next to him. “Why the fuck should I help you?” I asked narrowing my eyes at him.

“Because I actually know where we are. I also know how to stay alive out here.” He gave me an arrogant look.

Mother fucker. I thought disgusted at the idea of helping this sorry ball of sticks and cotton. Unfortunately this was turning out to be my only option. He was right, I didn’t even know what this place was, much less how to survive in it.

I snorted annoyed, “Fine, I’ll help you up you sorry fuck.” Using my paws and my face I helped the sorry bastard get to his feet. Or is it paws now?

“Welp I’m going to find my parents. Have fun now.” He then started walking away.

“Hey! You come back here!” I yelled chasing after him.

He sped up ducking under a low hanging leaf that slapped me in the face. “No I’m going to see mom and dad! Fuck off!”

“Listen here buddy!” I yelled tackling him sending us tumbling into a nearby bush. “I didn’t help you get back on your feet just so you could tell me to fuck off!”

“No!” He started struggling. “I need to get to them!” The more he fought to get out the more entangled he got.

“Stop struggling you idiot!” I screamed at him trying to pin him down so he’d stop moving. Unfortunately all that amounted to was him getting tangled up further.

“No! I have to get to them!” He started tearing up. “They can’t be gone! I have to go help them!” He continued fighting both me and the bush.

“What the hell are you talking about?!” I yelled redoubling my efforts to pin him down. “Who’s gone?”

“Go away!” He swung his paw at me landing a solid hit on my face stunning me for a bit. suddenly he calmed down and fell into a state of deep depression. “Mom. Dad. You can’t be gone. Come back…” he then broke down into tears.

I was surprised at this revelation and I began to feel sorry for the little guy. But what could I do about it? I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing even when I was human!

“...” I had nothing to say.

“...Let’s just leave…” he almost whispered to me.

“Well that’s gonna be a bit of a problem.” I deadpanned gnawing on a branch that had wrapped itself around his torso. “You’re tangled up worse than christmas lights!”

He just looked at me. “What the hell is a Christmas?”

“Of course you don’t know what fucking Christmas is.” I mumbled while grabbing a branch with my mouth trying to untangle him. It was a rather difficult task but after a while I managed to loosen a few of the branches and leaves wrapped around him.

“Are you gonna run off the moment I get you untangled?” I asked suspiciously pausing my work.

“...no. Let’s get out of here.” He said slumping.

“Okay, I’ll trust you.” I replied before taking the final branch holding him up in my mouth and yanking on it really hard causing it to snap in half.

The pink porcupine dropped to his paws and started walking behind me. “ follow me.”

I quickly followed after him terrified of what would happen if I was separated from him in this god-forsaken place.

Soon we made it to a familiar path. It was the one that sea monster put me on. “We just need to follow this path and we will make it out.”

“Make it out to where?” I asked following behind him while watching the surrounding overgrowth for any movement.

“Out of the forest dumbass.” He responded not even bothering to look back at me. I could tell that he was still crying slightly.

“Well I knew that!” I said annoyed. “I meant where outside the forest exactly?”

“I don’t know! Some pony village. Fuck I’ve had enough of them…” he seemed to be getting irritated with me.

Shit, I’m fucking this up to! I have to fix this. WIth that thought I grabbed his tail with my mouth. “Alright listen man. I’m sorry If I’m coming off as insensitive about your parents unfortunate demise. But I’m trying not to think about the fact that I’ve lost my dick and the next time Celestia sees me she’s probably going to fry me to a crisp.” Some rustling from a nearby bush made me jump. Fortunately nothing came of it so I continued.

“We’re both dealing with shit at the moment and I really can’t afford to be left alone out here! SO DON’T YOU DARE RUN OFF JUST BECAUSE I’M IRRITATING YOU ALRIGHT?!” I screamed at him breathing heavily.

He suddenly stopped and held a paw out. “Shh… do you hear that?”

“Hear what?!” I whispered back beginning to panic.

The forest was silent. “That. That is the sound of the zero fucks I give.” He then continued walking.

You little piece of shit I retorted internally as I continued to follow him in silence.

The rest of the walk was in complete silence.

Finally we broke the tree-line. A little ways off I could see a small hobbit styled house.

Finally an inhabited building! I thought excitedly as I scampered toward the little home.

A little bunny noticed us and approached. “Who the bloody hell are you lot? Never seen you before.” The little shrimp seemed to be studying me. That is until he saw who I was with.

“Bwahahaha! What da hell is that fuckin thing?! Some killa! He almost looks cuter than me! Ey everyone check out this freak!” Suddenly a huge crowd of other animals burst out of the cottage with curious looks on their faces.

Once they saw the pup they burst out laughing.

“Damn.” I said looking at him, “sucks to be you right now.” I felt kinda bad about not helping him but he had already said he didn’t give a single fuck. And besides, this bunny appeared to be running the operation around here, if I was gonna hide from Celestia then I’d need him to be on my side.

I saw a yellow Pegasus with a pink mane walked out of the house next. “What’s going on out here?” She asked softly.

The little bunny had a little look of panic and turned around quickly. “Flutters!” He then hopped up and hugged her. “ We just saying hi to the nice doggies!” He somehow maneuvered around her head and sat on her back. Giving me a quick warning glare.

Flutters then took note of us and came over to greet us. “ And who might you be?” She said giving us a motherly look.

Oh fuck! It’s another one of these pony creatures. I quickly scrambled behind the pup and pushed him toward the shy little pony. You do the talking this time you little fucker.

“Oh..umm.. I’m Mighty Log. And no I don’t normally look like this.” He said looking away. “Fucking nobles.” He mumbled under his breath.”

He then looked behind him at me. “What are you hiding for?! Get up here!” He then somehow pulled me forward toward the pony.

“Hell no!” I said quickly jumping back my paranoia spiking. “She might be in league with Celestia! I won’t fall for this trap!”

“W-what about the princess and nobles? I-i should go get Twilight…” she backed away and to trot down a pathway.

I quickly sprinted after. “Now hold on just a minute!” I yelled jumping in front of her.

“You don’t have to go get anyone! Just let me hang around for a few days and then I’ll be out of your hair alright?!”

I had what I can only describe as pure instinct to run away almost overtake me. Every other animal in the area. I could feel there bloodlust all directed towards me. Maybe I should leave the pony be.

I chuckled nervously eyeing each of them. “Eh eh, On second thought, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to let you go talk to this, Twilight person.” With another nervous chuckle I stepped out of her way.

“O-ok.. please stay here until I get back. I-if you don’t mind” She then took off down the path.

The moment she was gone my face fell. Dejectedly I walked back to the group of animals and sat down.

“I’m so fucked.” I said sighing.

Mighty just looked at me. “So why are you afraid of this Celestia pony again?”

“She turned me into this fucking FEMALE dog!” I screamed in rage. “Don’t get me wrong though, she tried to incinerate me at least fifty times by now because apparently I’m courting her sister even though I don’t fucking want to! But that’s besides the point.”

The other animals just stared at me. The little bunny hit my leg lightly. “You know what… I just got some respect for you. To go through that. How in the fucking hell did you survive her?! And I am sorry for your loss…” He cringed at the end as he put a paw to his groin. “Only a true man can go on after that…”

“FINALLY! Someone gets it!” I said looking at the bunny.

“No one else did! And now flutters over there is probably going to tell her where I am!” My paranoia once again shot through the roof as I began to frantically look around fearing I’d see the flaming pony of death again.

“What if she’s on her way right now?!” I asked no one in particular my voice rising in pitch toward the end of my sentence.

“You aren’t fucking leaving anyways. Around here Fluttershy’s word is law. You break it, we break you.” The little bunny gave me a terrifying look.

“Y-you can’t be serious? That shy bird has that much power around here?!” I asked staring at the bunny wide-eyed.

“It is. We don’t want another missing animal here now would we?” The cute little bunny threatened.

Shit, even the animals in this place are fucking psychopaths. “Eh eh, no I don’t think we need that at all.” I said laughing nervously.

Well the only option seems to be to sit here and wait for flutters to come back with this Twilight person.

Fluttershy returned shortly with two others. A purple unicorn and a hopping pink pony. I swear I’ve seen that one before. I thought slightly unnerved for some reason.

They seem to be talking in some different language since I can’t make heads or tails of what they’re saying.

. Fluttershy talked to the unicorn until the both of us seemed to float in the air. The unicorn started mumbling to herself as she checked over Mighty. Once she lost interest in him she started looking over to me. She then wore a confused look on her face as she went to speak with Fluttershy.

Aw great, more incapacitating magic and unicorns who are probably fucking obsessed with hands or some shit. Now I’m really screwed. There’s no way I can get out of this! I tried struggling in purple ones magical grasp but as I expected it yielded no results.

Fluttershy looked over to me worried before turning to the unicorn and nodding. Soon enough the unicorn turned towards me and prepared her magic. Mighty was just as worried as I was.

“What is she doing?” And zap. Pain rushed throughout my body. Even when I had been transformed into a dog It hadn’t hurt as much as this. The pain was so great I blacked out.

Author's Note

Finnaly out with a new chapter! Yay!