Butter Ball: Cooking Is Chaos

by mechafone

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Romance, Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3793

A hefty Earth Pony with big dreams must overcome his chaotic nature in the kitchen.

Butter Ball is a permanently optimistic and uniquely talented earth pony with big dreams of owning his own restaurant. He has one big problem: He's a stumbling incarnation of trouble and disaster whenever he tries to cook. His meals are insanely delicious and crafted with the soul of a master chef, but his cooking can severely injure anypony that's not smart enough to get out of the kitchen.
A/N: Hey, readers. I'm leaving a note letting you know that Butter Ball is going on hiatus for a little bit, just until I get Raison Detre' finished. After that I'll begin Legends Of Ponyville, the continuing of Spark Storm's story. Once that gets going, then I'll probably feel ready to return to updating Butter Ball.

Published 2012-08-08 07:24:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-09 03:54:55 UTC

1 - Electric Introductions

Electric Guitar sighed heavily as she made her way out of the restaurant she waitressed at. It had been a long hard day, and she just wanted to get home. It wasn't a long walk, but the dark side of Ponyville at night was not a good place for a young, attractive filly like her to be.

She said goodnight to her friend Wisty Wind at the entrance, then started her way down the less-clean streets of the town. She was halfway home when two stallions, both pegasi, appeared at the end of the street.

Electric had heard many stories from her friends about being harrassed late at night, although they hadn't been hurt or worse. She decided she wouldn't be intimidated. Besides, she was tough, she worked out and if all else failed, she could fly.

As she passed the two older stallions, she could feel their eyes on her. She was a shapely mare, she kept herself in good shape, and she watched what she ate. Despite her wild mane, she was a very attractive mare, so it came as no surprise that she was being ogled as they passed. She kept her eyes straight ahead, a pointed stare ahead that said 'I'm ignoring you, go away.'

Unfortunately, this had the exact opposite effect on the two as they turned right around and started following Electric. "Hey there, wild thing," the taller of the two said. He was a big and thick kind of pegasus stallion, that kind that worked out too much and studied too little. "My name is Dumb-Bell, and this is Hoops. What do you say we go somewhere and get better acquainted? Sweet thing like you shouldn't be wandering these streets alone, y'know?"

Without turning her head to look at either of these idiots, Electric huffed. "Thanks, kids, but I'm fine. I'm not alone, anyway, I'm going to meet my boyfriend right now, so how about you two run along and play somewhere else?" This of course did little to deter the two stallions. If they knew anything about mares, it's that the ones that were the most vulnerable were the ones doing their best to appear tough and unapproachable.

"Aw, c'mon, kiddo." Dumb-Bell said as he moved a little closer, reaching with a wing to hold under Electric's chin. "We're the gentle kind of stallions. We don't hurt chicks like you...if you're nice." Electric stared at Dumb-Bell. The subtext of this statement was glaring and obvious: Be nice, or you'll get hurt.

"I-I'm serious," she said, pulling her chin away from the big pegasus. "I really am meeting my boyfriend just down the street, he-he's waiting for me, I gotta go..." She turned to leave, only to be caught by Hoops, who'd snagged her tail in a hoof. "Let go of me, I'm warning you!" She bucked, catching Hoops in the chin and knocking him down. Both he and Dumb-Bell glared daggers at the mare, who was facing them now. She wouldn't dare put her back to them again. "Y-you creeps better get lost! I'm warning you!"

"You don't get anymore warnings, girly," Dumb-Bell said as he loomed over Electric, wings spread wide. Electric's heart pumped loudly in her throat. It screamed at her to run, fly, anything, when a loud crash broke the crazed sound of her blood rushing in her ears. All three pegasi turned to see the source of the noise, a big, thick looking earth pony throwing the garbage out.

Without even getting a good look at this stallion, Electric Guitar rushed over to him and took one of his big strong...no, fat, legs in her own. Realizing now that the big, strong earth pony was actually a big fat earth pony, she decided then and there that fat garbage pony was better than two violent sexually frustated pegasi. "Oh, there you are! I've been looking all over for you! Play along," she hissed in his ear under her breath.

Now that she was close enough to get a good look at him, the earth pony was actually rather handsome, if extremely heavy. His eyes were big, and they shone with a confidence that she rarely saw in anypony that size and shape. "Oh, uh...hey there! It's good to see you!" Electric immediately started to feel better. He was quick to pick up on things, he seemed as intelligent as he was confident. He turned his head towards Hoops and Dumb-Bell, but it didn't look like the two jocks were going to take this lying down. They approached casually, a morbid smirk on Dumb-Bell's face.

"You? A big, fat slob like you, this chick's boyfriend? I'm not buyin' it." The pegasus bully leaned in, going for intimidation. The earth pony wasn't so easily swayed, though. He stepped up to the bigger pony, deftly knocking him back a few feet with a shove of his generous chest.

"I don't think so, gentlecolts. This mare is with me, if you'll kindly be on your way and get off of my property, that'll be swell." Electric blinked in confusion. His property? Wait a sec, this was the backdoor of The Silver Dish restaurant, only one of the more prestigious places to eat in Ponyville. Was he a cook?

Hoops and Dumb-Bell smirked at each other, then flexed their wings, impressively cracking most of the joints. "Have it your way, fatty. Get ready, 'cause we're gonna pound you into a nice little piggy pie!"

"Oh, that's it, you've crossed a line with the piggy-" the earth pony said as he lunged forward, right before the whole back alley became a scene of pure chaos. Electric watched in complete confusion as Hoops and Dumb-Bell were flipped through the air, then landed and sent all kinds of trash can lids, bags of trash, and whole trash cans flying through the air, against walls, against the pegasi. A multitude of cats littering through the trash, panicked by the loud sounds, scattered through the alleyways.

Even as the chaos ensued and the clamoring continued, the two big pegasi leapt up and flew as fast as they could down the alley way and into the night sky. "Dude! What was that?! Did you see what happened?!"

"No! I-I don't know what it was, but I'll be damned if I ever try to tussle with that guy again! He's some kind of evil chaos train!"

Electric Guitar sat down on the dirty ground. She stared at the now completely wrecked alleyway. Trash was strewn everywhere, trash cans had somehow propelled themselves thirty feet away, and she even saw a trash can lid embedded in the stone wall of the opposite building. And the worst part of it was, she didn't have the faintest idea of how any of it happened. Finally snapping out of her stupor, she looked down and saw the heavy earth pony face-down on the ground, his hind legs bent in a most uncomfortable looking position over his head. "Yeah! And don't you come back...ow..."

It took Electric a moment to stand and help the butter-yellow earth pony back into a proper sitting position. She sat down in front of him, her eyes wide and confused. "I have to ask," she said cautiously. "...what happened back there? Wh-I mean, how?"

The earth pony looked around and at the chaos he had somehow caused. He then laughed and rubbed at the back of his head with a bit of embarrassment, as if this kind of thing happened to him all the time. "Ah, well...It's just a little something I do. Uh, not on purpose mind you, it just keeps happening to me."

Electric reached out a hoof to help him up. He took it and hauled himself to his feet. As he did, the pegasus could feel the muscles in his legs, and she could see a bit of his chest pushing beyond the fat. You know, if you worked out, tubby, you wouldn't look half bad. She shook her thoughts off before smiling kindly to her crazy rescuer. "Well, this has been very amusing, but I should get going. Really, thanks for your help, big guy." She leaned in and placed a light peck on his cheek before moving away from him, stepping backwards down the alley. "Maybe I'll see you sometime? My name's Electric Guitar. What's yours?"

After the dreamy blush had gone from his face, the earth pony stepped towards her, stopping once he got to the door of the building he'd emerged from. "My name's Butter Ball! Don't laugh, I'm serious! It's Butter Ball!"

2 - Over Before It Begins

Electric sighed tiredly as she slowly crawled out of her bed. The alarm clock was going off, and had been placed all the way across the room. Why did she do that again? Oh yes, to get her out of bed. It was genius. It was torture. Electric Guitar regretted this fire-proof plan every morning. She crossed the room, bumped into the dresser that the alarm sat on, and finally managed to turn the blasted alarm off. With a groan, she turned and stopped in front of the tall, narrow mirror that was laid against the wall.

The pegasus sighed as she studied her visage, as she did every morning since she was old enough to fuss about her looks. She was pretty enough, but her kept her figure a bit butch, just enough for stallions to be comfortable enough around her to invite her to sports. The natural yellow highlights in her black hair and tail made her seem wild and unapproachable, and after years of being treated as such in her teens, she began to adopt that type of personality because she thought things would never change for her, though she desperately wished it would.

She sighed and gave brushing her wild mane a try. It resisted her first few attempts to behave, but after some struggling, it finally molded the way she wanted it. Taking a look back in the mirror, she gasped. Before her stood a goddess. She had styled her mane as well, the points curling outward. The tips of her mane curled into thick spirals. Electric had never seen herself looking so pretty. She closed her eyes to the image, tears welling up and threatening to fall down her cheeks.

She opened her eyes again, and the image from her imagination was gone. Her regular, stiff hair was still there, just like it always was when she imagined she could make herself pretty. Electric Guitar sniffled, dried her tears, and went to get ready for work.

Butter Ball looked down at the mix of vegetables in front of him in his kitchen at home. Cucumbers, broccoli, squash, tomatoes, all kinds of veggies and fruits he'd need to make a salad. His own patented special spicy sauce was in an airtight container on the far end of the counter. He'd need it soon, but until he was finished he liked to keep loose liquidy stuff away from him. And sealed. Sometimes watertight was best, too.

Butter Ball's kitchen had been outfitted with sheets of metal for every surface. It was absolutely essential, given what happened every time he tried using utensils. Really, anything could be an unintended weapon in his hooves, including the twelve pairs of chopping knives at his left side. He'd need every last one of them, for as soon as he had one knife in his grip, it seemed to slip and become a deadly projectile.

"All right," he said to nopony in particular. "Let's begin." He reached down and grabbed a cucumber. He loved cucumber, so fresh and cool to the tongue. He laid it down on the cutting board before him, then grabbed the knife farthest from him, and set the edge to the middle of the vegetable. He stared at the two objects quietly, letting his unique focus settle on what he needed to do.

As Butter Ball focused, he felt the familiar feeling of his vision and his senses narrowing. There was sight, and there was touch. There was no sound, there was no smell. With his vision darkening everything but the cutting board, the vegetables and the knives, he began.

Butter Ball's knife flew at dizzying speeds. Twenty cuts lengthwise, flip, one cut straight down the middle. Switch to hold the cucumber vertically. First knife is gone. Grab the second one, cut straight down the middle. Next vegetable. Same pattern, same speed. New veggie. New knife. Thirty cuts, straight. Vertical. Horizontal. New knife.

When all was said and done, when all the knives had left their resting place, Butter Ball had created a plate of salad. On it were arranged dozens of the finest cut vegetables that no other chef in Ponyville could even hope to come close to. Butter Ball took in a deep breath, and slowly let it out as his senses returned to him. Now, he thought, let's see the damage.

As he looked around the kitchen, he looked upon what appeared to be the remains of a knife fight movie set. Knives were stuck in the wall, lying prone on the floor, and even a few stuck into cupboards up into the sheaths. But what was perhaps the most surprising was that at least three knives, in their bizarre travels around the room, were stuck straight up underneath Butter Ball's body. With the angle of entry, they should've connected with his back. This was part of Butter Ball's chaotic routine in the kitchen: Defying physics and creating chaos.

Butter Ball let out a light chuckle. He'd been preparing salads and all kinds of food by himself since he was five years old, and not once did this ever not happen to him. Despite dangerous objects flying every which way, despite other ponies sustaining injuries when they were too close, Butter Ball was never once knicked, or cut, or bruised by his own chaotic cooking.

Butter Ball then went about the process of gathering his knives from the wall, ceiling and floor. At least two of his knives would need to be replaced, and they were expensive. It's a good thing he received good pay at his parents' restaurant, where he was due to be working tonight.

Electric counted up her tips. Ten, fifteen, twenty...thirty bits. What a horrible, slow job that barely pays more than a slow day's tips. Some days, she'd make more than twice her daily wage in tips, and some days she'd barely make a quarter of that. Today wasn't so bad, but she'd had three days like this in a row. She had already saved up nearly a thousand bits in the bank, but this was over nearly two years of work. The cost of living in Ponyville without a decent job was one of the slowest, most unrewarding experiences ever. As soon as she got herself back in the singing business, she'd make something of herself and never have to take it slow like this again.

Settling the coin currency into her saddlebags, she made her way wearily out of the restaurant. Wispy Winds wasn't working tonight, so she wasn't in her usual spot to greet guests. Electric supposed it was just as well; she wanted to go home and rest.

The white pegasus glanced down the street. While it was around the same time now as as her incident yesterday, the streets were deserted. She was still apprehensive when she passed the back alley where she'd met that portly pony that managed to save her, scare off those jerks, and manage to summon a tornado of chaos that just wrecked the whole place. She stopped and surveyed the area. It was all clean now - well, as clean as a back alley could be. She shrugged and kept on moving, and had nearly reached her street when her stomach began to grumble. "Yeah, yeah, just wait till we get home..." she trailed off and stopped as a thought came to her.

She turned around, and noticed that the corner of her street stood facing The Silver Dish. Electric began to nibble at the inside of her lower lip, a habit of hers when deliberating. Finally, she shrugged, eliciting a light jingle of the coins in her saddlebag. Why not? she thought. What's an entire day's wage worth if all it does is pay for a fancy meal? A beat. Don't answer that, Trick. Her favorite nickname for herself made her chuckle as she made her way towards the restaurant.

As Electric Guitar stepped inside, the first thing she noticed was the decor. It was tasteful, the walls were decorated with random, soft and subtle shapes that blended in well with the tan walls and dark red border paint. Chairs and tables were neatly placed with room for four to a table, and they were all placed to fit into a diamond pattern.

The second thing she noticed was...no ponies. The lights were on, the tables were set. Heck, even some candles were lit. But the dining room was completely deserted. Weird. Just as well. Saves me bits. Electric shrugged and turned to leave when she heard a great crash from the back. So someone is here? Doesn't seem like they're serving, though...She frowned and looked at the door, and heard another crash. Some shouting this time. It really wasn't her business, but...well, truth be told, she hadn't come for the food. She reminded herself of this as she made her way to the back.

Electric slowed down as she made her way to the door. She nosed it open slowly, and her eyes beheld a familiar scene: It looked like a train or a tornado or some other kind of disaster had come through the kitchen. Pots and pans everywhere, the floor littered with lettuce and other vegetables, some spots of the floor swimming in what looked like soup that was slowly draining. Her eyes were drawn to the center of the large, spacious kitchen as she saw a tall, red-maned pony with similar coloring to Butter Ball pacing back and forth, talking a mile a minute in a tone that was completely unmistakable: fury.

"I can't keep this up, Garde!" he was saying, his words directed to somepony she couldn't see yet. "Every night he's here, it's accident after accident! I know we should be used to this by now, but he's getting worse!"

"He's gettin' betta, honey." came a new, feminine voice. It was a deep, thickly accented voice that reminded Electric of that orange farmer pony who sold apples in town, but different. More twang, and with a hint of Fancy in it. "The betta he done gets, the bigger mess he makes. That's all that be."

"It's too much! Any more injuries, any more damage he makes will put us under, Garde! I...I can't let him cook here any more. We can't take any more losses." There was a deafening silence in the kitchen before the next words came out of the stallion's mouth. "I have to let Butter Ball go. I'm sorry, sweetie, but that's my final word."

"We see about that, connard!" the feminine voice, shouting the last bit, a word that Electric didn't understand. The tone of it suggested it wasn't very nice, though. Deciding she'd eavesdropped enough, the pegasus stepped away from the door and turned to leave. She gasped as she noticed somepony behind her, her heart jumping into her throat. After last night, she didn't want to feel cornered or surprised again.

Instead of a pair of troublesome jocks, however, Electric saw the one pony she wanted to see. Butter Ball had crept in while she watched, and had taken a seat at one of the tables. In his hooves he grasped a bottle that looked like it would cost Electric a month's pay. It was opened, and he was drinking straight from the bottle. "Evening, miss Guitar. I see you've been appraised of my situation." He said in a polite but tired voice as he tilted the bottle in the direction of the kitchen.

"Uh. Yeah. Sorry about that," she said as she approached Butter Ball's table and took a seat. She found Butter Ball's presence comforting, and she wasn't sure if it was simply because he was a likable pony, or if it was because he came to her rescue. "I just wanted to come in and s-get something to eat," she lied. "I...I guess it was a little silly to think the place was open after...well, this," she gestured to the empty dining room.

"Oh. It's all right, no harm done," he offered generously. He took another swig of the wine and made a face, then let out a breath. "Good stuff. I'd hate for this to go to waste." Electric didn't get what he meant until she saw that the tip of the bottle was broken, and he'd been drinking from the sharp tip of the bottle.

"Are you crazy?!" She lurched forward before he could take another sip. He pouted and reached for the bottle before she slapped his hooves away. "Why the hell are you drinking from this? You could really hurt yourself!"

Butter Ball looked at Electric like he could cry. Geez, is he really upset about the wine? she asked herself. No, stupid! He just lost his job! Finding the situation quickly becoming awkward, the pegasus looked around until she found one of the dinner glasses on the table. She poured the wine into the glass, then slid it slowly to the earth pony. "...So you won't cut yourself. Go on." she said comfortingly. Butter Ball bravely held back his emotions as he took the glass, tipped it back, and swallwed the whole thing in one go.

"So, do you wanna get outta here?" Had Butter Ball still been drinking when he heard this question, he might have choked. He stared at her as if she'd just asked if he wanted to see her bed. "...To go talk, numbskull. You look like you could use an ear."

"Oh. Oh. Uh, oh." Butter Ball blushed and held a hoof to his face. "Y-yes. I could probably use an ear tonight, thank you." Electric smirked to herself as she stepped over to help Butter Ball out of his chair. He stood a little wobbly before getting his balance. "This is very kind of you, miss Guitar, you really don't have to-"

"No, I don't, so you're welcome. And what's with the 'miss' crap? Call me Electric, or Trick if you like. C'mon."

The two ambled slowly out of the busy restaurant, and disappeared together into the night air.