The new guy in town

by Lance Darkwater

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Rainbow Dash (EqG), Comedy, Other, Romance, Equestria Girls, Ms. Harshwhinny, Main 7 (EqG), Profanity, Violence, Slice of Life
Length: 4117

A new student shows up at Canterlot High, I wonder how this will go?

Rainbow Dash is the top athlete, and captain of every single sports team at Canterlot High School. Not to mention the leader of her own band; The Rainbooms! With all of the wacky shenanigans and great friends, you would think that she wouldn't need a partner in her life, at all.

But all of that is about to change...

Disclaimer: None of the humour in this fic is meant to be taken seriously. It's just raunchy, Cards Against Humanity-style comedy.

I am willing to let any talented artists illustrate my story.

Published 2019-10-23 03:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-01-04 14:37:20 UTC

First Meeting

Author's Note

This is my first fanfic, I hope you all enjoy!

First Meeting

The students of Canterlot High School were slowly walking down the hallways, talking to each other as they mentally prepared for their classes. Unfortunately, one particular boy was struggling to find his own class. He had ash grey skin, and was wearing a navy blue vest, black shorts and what appeared to be combat boots. The only odd things about his clothing was a symbol of what appeared to be a pink heart with an omega symbol in the centre. He had black hair with a crimson streak running through it, which had been tied up into a ponytail.

Wondering what to say when he finally got to his class, the boy failed to take notice of his surroundings, and tripped over someone's foot and crashed face-first into a locker...

"Ouuuuughhhhhhhh, What a way to start your first day at CHS, dumbass!" he thought to himself, slowly starting to pick himself up off the floor. Then, just as he was getting to his feet, he was immediately whacked in the face and knocked back onto the floor by a large, grey hand...

The boy groaned as his sight returned to him, and was greeted with a trio of boys wearing what appeared to be dog collars. All with malicious smirks on their faces. "Well, boys. What do we have here?" the green-eyed one asked his comrades.

"Dunno, but I wanna' know what he's got in his pockets. Hehehehehe..." The ginger-haired brute said, while holding him by the neck. "Hey, why don't ya' let me be, that way, none of you get a bollockin' from the principal" the boy threatened.

"Haha, look guys, the weenie's tryin' to act all tough, ain't that cute." He said, mocking his captive, provoking a blush to form on his face. "I'm serious!" he warned, with a very pug-like expression on his face. This only provoked the boys to laugh, turning his face into a scowl.

"Very well!"

The only sounds that were heard were a crunch, followed by a loud, girly scream that could be heard from across the hallway.

Something tells me it's gonna' be one of those days...

Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash were sitting next to one another in Ms. Harshwhinny's Classroom, trying not to fall asleep in another one of her lessons on Greek mythology. There was supposed to be a new student arriving here today, but he seemed to be running late. Pinkie was honestly more curious about what this new person would be like.

"Hey, Dashie?" she whispered. "Do you think the newbie will be a boy, or a girl?"

Rainbow raised her head in confusion. "Why does it matter to you?" she whispered back.

"Well, if 'it' is a guy, you might really start feelin' hot and steamy around him..."

Rainbow just blinked. She had never needed the company of a boy to feel happy, why would it be any different when the new guy showed up? But before she could say anything, Ms. Harshwhinny spoke first.

"Now, who can tell me the name of the titan who devoured his children to try and keep his position as master of the universe?"

Everyone just stared blankly, causing Ms. Harshwhinny to growl in frustration. Some of the more intellectual students were too busy banging their heads against the desk at their fellow classmates' apparent stupidity...

"Honestly, didn't any of you study for this last night?!"

All of a sudden, there was a a loud thud!

The new boy had ran into the door while trying to escape the bullies, and slipped on the wet floor.

A girl with green hair and a red beret quickly rushed over to the door, pulled the handle to open it, and was greeted with the student lying on his back.

"Goodness!" she yelled, shocked to see him in such a state. "Are you alright?"

The boy looked up to see her with her hands over her mouth. "Yeah, never better..." he replied. "Either I need to look where I'm going more often, or you clearly need a sign for wet floors."

The surprising thing was that he seemed to be perfectly fine. Whoever this new guy was, he seemed to have rather high pain tolerance.

"Oh, sorry. My name's Lance. Lance Darkwater." He said, getting to his feet. The girl couldn't help but smile. 'What a fascinating and aristocratic name' she thought.

"Tis' very nice to meet thee, Sir Darkwater." she greeted. "Oh, and who might you be, fair maiden?" Lance asked politely.

"My name is Watermelody, but my friends gave me the nickname of Drama Letter." she replied. "Well, it's very nice to meet you, Watermelody. I hope to meet many more lovely people like you at this school."

Lance was about to talk to the other students, but he noticed Ms. Harshwhinny's impatient glare. "Oh, am I interrupting the lesson? Oh goodness, I do apologise."

"God, he's easily been the most polite person to ever talk to me..." Ms. Harshwhinny thought.

"Oh, and for the record, I believe that titan's name was Kronos." He said while sitting down.

The duration of the lesson was spent listening to Ms. Harshwhinny explaining what had happened after Kronos had swallowed his children.

She explained that in place of his last child; Zeus, he had actually ingested a rock wrapped in a cloth. This was a cunning plan concocted by none other than his wife; Rhea, who spirited Zeus away to an island, where he would spend most of his life in a cave, before returning to free his brethren from his father; Kronos!

No sooner than the bell rang, every single one of the students made their way into the hallway.

Lance himself was the last one out, as he had been properly introducing himself to Ms. Harshwhinny. After no more than two minutes, he waved goodbye and entered the hallway.

'Right then, Darky-boy. You fancy chasin' some butterflies?' he thought to himself.

In case some of you are wondering, he's got women on his mind.

A blue-skinned girl with spectrum-coloured hair sprinted past him, and stopped at a group of six others. When Lance saw her face, only one thing passed his lips.

"Woah! Hello there beautiful. Where have you been all my life?"

A new friend

The cafeteria was filled with the veritable bustling of several students. Some were waiting impatiently to get to the front of the line, and grab their desired meals, while others were already sitting next to each other, having conversations or telling witty jokes. The students came in all shapes and sizes; Tall, short, plump, skinny, even muscular.

Lance was already making his way there now. Well, he was trying to anyway. Of course, this was his first day here, so he didn't quite know his way around yet. He was quickly starting to grow frustrated at the situation he was in. 'Oh, for the love of god! Where the hell is the cafeteria?!' he thought to himself, the frustration was turning to anger pretty quickly. This could pretty-damn-well be the only chance he had to win this new girl's heart. He came to a stop at the end of the corridor, and then he growled in fury, and actually punched the column next to him.

Another student was making her way to the cafeteria to sit with her friends. She herself was considering ordering a bacon butty, perhaps a chilli dog. But then, all of a sudden, she heard a loud CRACK!

Lance roared with rage. "RRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE'S THE GODDAMN CAFETERIA?!" he had taken a chunk of concrete out of the column, the pain he'd inflicted upon himself from the punch only fuelled his rage even more. Without a second thought, he charged! right into the other student!

"OW!" she yelled. "Oh, what was that for?!"

Lance seemed somewhat dazed from the impact, he groaned as he struggled to get to his feet, and he saw the student whom he had run into.

A rather plump, fuchsia-skinned girl with scarlet hair and a freckled face. She was wearing a cyan top and indigo shorts, nothing too crazy. The only other thing she wore was a bracelet on her left wrist that had an emblem of what appeared to be a yogurt pot with a raspberry on it.

"Oh, goodness!" Lance cried out as he grabbed her soft, pudgy hand. "I'm so sorry! I just tend to get a bit destructive when I get angry!"

The girl held his hand tightly, and hauled herself onto her feet. Adjusting her heart-shaped sunglasses so that they rested on her forehead. "It's fine, don't worry about it. People find it pretty easy to run into me, if you know what I mean." she said in a Scottish accent. That definitely wasn't the voice that Lance was expecting. Lance genuinely couldn't help but laugh at what he had just heard.

"Okay, I'm sorry, but that definitely wasn't the voice that I was expecting!"

I SAID THAT!

Lance looked at her, and scratched his head awkwardly. "Hehe, sorry about that. I'm one of those people who forget to think before they speak." the chubby girl couldn't help but giggle at his apology, she smiled warmly and said; "Forgive my sudden laughter, but It's just been so long since I've talked to someone as polite as you." Lance blushed as the compliment hit him like a freight train. "Anyway, where are my manners? My name is Lance." he said. "Lance Elias Darkwater."

The chubby girl smiled. "I'm Raspberry Yogurt." she told Lance. "I'm fourteen years old, five feet, four inches tall, and two-hundred and six pounds. I'm the smartest girl in my class." Lance struggled to take in all of this information, and replied with a simple; "I can see that. Do you have any friends?"

"I would have a lot of friends if I was a bit more confident. You see, I kinda' have social anxiety, and that's because I'm autistic." Raspberry explained. Lance's jaw dropped, he thought he was the only one with these problems, but here he was, talking to another student with the same issues. "I understand what that feels like..." he stated sympathetically. "...you see, I'm autistic, too."

Raspberry and Lance were going to talk about their shared interests, but then Lance remembered what he intended to do. "Uh, I'm sorry to sound stupid, but can you show me the way to the cafeteria." Raspberry chuckled. "Come on, you silly goose! Let's go get some grub!"

Rainbow Dash was holding a lunch tray with a bowl of spaghetti, walking around the cafeteria trying to find the table her friends were sitting at. It sure as hell didn't take long for her to find them, because only a few tables away, close to the centre of the room were her friends; Applejack, Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rarity and Sunset Shimmer. She slowly walked over to them and sat down next to Pinkie Pie, who was still going on about the newbie.

"So the newbie's a boy, 'bout 5'6, has red and black hair..." she said, getting the obvious things out of the way first. "...and he's super smart and polite! Is super nice to girls! And (According to his profile), he's an animal lover!" this information definitely sparked some reactions from the girls. Rarity was uncharacteristically tugging her hair, Twilight was writing all of the information down in her notebook, and Fluttershy covered her face, trying to hide a blush.

Meanwhile, Lance was waiting with his bag slung over his shoulder. He was waiting for Raspberry Yogurt to finish ordering her lunch, which took a bit longer than he was expecting. Eventually, Raspberry waddled over to him while carrying a lunch tray with a hot dog, two apples and a can of Flamingo Fizz, a raspberry-flavoured soft drink. "Sorry for the wait, but there were so many tasty options, I couldn't decide what to have!" she explained, chuckling all the while. "It's okay, chubby-bunny. As far as I'm concerned, you can take as much time as you want." Raspberry giggled at the nickname. She wasn't the kind of person that was easily offended, and she could tell the nickname was meant to be playful.

Lance's attention soon turned to the blue-skinned girl sitting just a few tables away, and he could have sworn that he could hear jazz music playing.

Raspberry was already halfway through her hot dog, when she picked up on the faint sound of singing in her proximity. Being the knowledgeable girl that she was, she recognised the tune as 'A Kiss to Build a Dream On' by Louis Armstrong. After a few seconds of looking for where it was coming from, she found that it was coming from; Lance?

"Oooooooooooooooo, see someone we like the look of, do we?" she teased. In Lance's head, there was the sound of a record stopping, and his cheeks turned a deep shade of red.

"I-I-I-I-I-I-I don't know what you're talkin' about!" he stuttered. "Oh, don't you try to hide anything! I know that look anywhere!" Raspberry teased again. "So, who's the lucky girl?" she asked. Lance then pointed to a certain blue-skinned tomboy sitting in the middle of the room. "Rainbow Dash?" she questioned, Lance responded with a simple; "Yes."

Then, without warning, Lance began walking to the table. "W-where are you going?" Raspberry stuttered. Lance turned his head to the chubby girl, a smirk on his face.

"To fulfil my destiny!"

Introducing himself

Pinkie Pie had been going on and on about how Rainbow seemed lonely, and how the new boy might make her life better and bring out another side of her. She had kept coming back to this topic ever since Lance first set foot in Ms. Harshwhinny's class, and quite frankly, Rainbow was utterly sick of it!

"Pinkie, for the last time. I do not need a boyfriend!" Rainbow spat in fury. Fortunately, her salvation arrived in the form of two students joining her and her friends at the table, one was a chubby, nerdy girl with freckles, the other was...

...oh no, it was the new guy. She prayed he hadn't heard her outburst, even if she didn't 'need' a boyfriend, the last thing she'd want to do is hurt his feelings.

The two of them sat down next to Fluttershy and Applejack, respectively. Their looks of confidence turning to ones of confusion. Why was everyone so quiet, now?

"Sssssssssoooooooooooooooooooooo..." Lance broke the silence. "...exactly what were you all talking about?" there was another moment of silence before Sunset Shimmer spoke up.

"We were just talking about our personal interests!" she lied. The grey-skinned boy furrowed his brow at her, clearly seeing past the charade. "Well, shall we continue?" he asked. Then Sunset remembered something. "Oh darn! Where are my manners?! I'm Sunset Shimmer."

"Sunset Shimmer. As in the one that was once the biggest bitch at CHS, stole a crown from another world and tried to take over the school?" Lance questioned. Sunset's eyes widened. "Before you question how I know that, I've overheard several conversations in town, regarding the supposed 'magical' activity around here." Sunset stares at him in disbelief. "Um, yes..."

"Anyway, these are my friends; Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash."

"Very nice to meet all of you." He replied politely. "The name's Darkwater, Lance Darkwater."

The girls turned their attention to the pudgy girl sitting next to him. "Hey there. What's your name?" Fluttershy asked. Provoking the girl to giggle nervously. "I'm Raspberry Yogurt. I've actually been here a couple of months." she said, introducing herself with a smile.

The two friends sat their silently, eating their lunches while the girls continued to discuss... whatever it was they were talking about. In fact, even after they had finished, they still sat there, not saying a word while giving each other nervous looks.

"Hey, um. You okay?" Rainbow asked. She was met with a cascade of panicked stammering, before he fell off of his seat and onto the floor with a THUD!

Lance got up from the floor, holding his head. "Don't you girls worry about me, I'm okay." he said, clearly embarrassed. Rainbow couldn't help but giggle at what had happened to him. He was so dorky, but in a cute way. "So, tell us about yourself, Lance." Sunset asked.

"Well, I'm five feet, six inches tall..." he started. "Last time I checked I weighed in at one hundred and fifty pounds." he added, while looking at himself in shame. "I'm somewhat of an animal expert."

"Oh my gosh! Really?! Tell me everything that you know!" Fluttershy squeaked in Lance's face.

"Well, I doubt I'd be able to tell you everything that I know, but I can show you a video of one of my favourite individual animals."

"Individual animals?" the yellow-skinned girl questioned. The other girls seemed just as confused as she was.

"Uno momento!" he said, before pulling his phone out of his pocket and searching for the correct video on YouTube. He then gestured for the girls to come closer. "I'd like you all to meet a friend of mine..." they all squeezed against each other.

"His name's YoYo."

Lance showed them a video of a plump little macaroni penguin who had been raised by the keepers, and, as a result of his human upbringing, actually thought he was a human. "Has this little bugger ever looked at himself in the mirror?" Rarity jokingly asked, earning a glare from Fluttershy. Although, watching the video, calling him such a seemingly horrible thing actually seemed quite appropriate, considering all of the big problems that he caused.

"He certainly is a cutie pie..." Pinkie chirped. "But, why did you call him your friend?" Lance simply smiled and said "I've actually been to that place. My mom took me there when we were on vacation." everyone let out a collective "Ooooohhhhhhhhhhhh." at the explanation.

"Hey, while we're all here, I just remembered that I'd brought in something to give to any new friends I make."

Lance then proceeded to rummage through his bag, and pulled his hand out to reveal nine chocolates that he'd been keeping for his new friends. He handed the first one to Raspberry, the second one to Fluttershy, and so on, and so forth. When he discovered that two still remained, he gave them both to Rainbow Dash. The rainbow-haired girl was certainly surprised by his level of kindness, particularly towards her of all people.

"Hey, did you girls know that chocolate contains a property that triggers the release of endorphins. Gives one the feeling of being in love!" the girls were certainly surprised by his level of knowledge. "You don't say~" Rarity cooed, giving the boy a sultry look. Lance stood there while he had that pug-like look on his face. "Oh, bollocks! I've seduced the wrong girl!" he thought. Rarity was about to say something else to Lance when...

"Hey, Lance! Believe it or not, I know about every single kind of sweet!" Pinkie interrupted. "Um, okay. That's not really 'useful' per say, but..."

"I'll prove it right now! I know about dark chocolate, milk chocolate, white chocolate, cotton candy..." the pink-skinned girl named several types of sweet. "Yeah, I don't doubt you actually know all of them, you don't have to prove it to me..."

"Brownies, taffy, ice cream..." she continued. "Are you deaf?! I wasn't asking for a demonstration!"

"Bon Bons, liquorice, eclairs, cupcakes, konpeito..." now Lance was really starting to get annoyed. "Stop it!" he shouted. Pinkie went on and on and on, until Lance got so angry with her that he roared with rage!

"Rrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For cryin' out loud!" he then proceeded to tackle the girl to the floor. "I believe that you know every single kind of sweet, okay?!"

Everyone gawked at what Lance had done. "What were ya' thinkin'?!" Applejack shouted. "Ah' get that Pinkie was gettin' on your nerves, but was there any need for that?!"

The full realisation of what he had done slammed into him like a dump truck falling off a cliff, and his expression turned from menacing to shameful. "Oh my God, I am so sorry! I just completely lost my temper!" he screamed. He earned a cold glare from all except Fluttershy and Raspberry. He could tell that they all probably hated him, now. A single tear ran down the right side of his face. He then proceeded to walk to his bag, pick it up and place it further away from them. He delicately pulled the zipper to reveal his biggest secret!

Inside of his bag was some form of tribal weapon made from bone and wood. It resembled an axe, but it had a blunt, crushing part at one end.

He made sure no one was looking, before he silently pulled the weapon out of his bag and placed his hand on the blade.

"I have made a grave mistake. Now, I must atone for my sins." he was about to cut his hand on the blade when...

"What on earth are you doing?!"

Raspberry leapt out of her seat and snatched the weapon from her new friend's hands. It happened so quickly, that it took Lance a few seconds to realise that he was now longer holding it. "What the bloody hell has gotten into you?!" the plump girl asked in a frightened tone. Lance sighed as he looked her in the eyes. "Alright, I should probably come clean..." he said, before rejoining the girls on the table.

"You're a what?" Rainbow asked confusedly.

"I'm a tribal." Lance answered with a solemn look. "My people were always a part of Canada, but it wasn't until the 1920s that we started settling in this particular region. We were always weary of you 'outsiders', always thought of you as demons that had come to plunder the land's riches."

"Then, during the 1990s, my father finally accepted you as people. Granted, him meeting my mother had something to do with it, but that's a story for another day." he explained. The girls were all staring at him intently, their eyes pleading to hear more. "That would explain your 'war club', then." Raspberry interrupted. But, no sooner than she mentioned it, Lance tensed up, only to relax a few moments later. "There's a reason I have that thing." he continued.

"About eight years ago, my father got into a fight with his brother. He was always jealous of how granddad would leave the house to him when he joined the spirits, and why he wouldn't get the money. But that only stemmed from his greed..."

8 years ago

Lance was in his bedroom, playing with retro-style dinosaur toys that his grandfather had made for him. He had always had a fascination for prehistoric creatures, and he knew a lot about them, thanks to documentaries. He knew many of the creatures like the back of his hand.

Then, all of a sudden, he heard a voice shouting from downstairs.

"This is not what dad wants, Moebius! You and I both know that!" Lance recognised the voice as that of his father, he had gotten himself into an argument with uncle Moebius. "Do I look like I give a damn about what that old dog wants?!" his uncle shouted. "Times are a changing, brother. Our way of life is a thing of the past! The only way to solve any problems these days is with money, and I'm well aware that you'll do bugger all with it!"

"Father wants to leave the house to me, because he wants Lance and Turel to have somewhere to live when they've come of age. Don't you care about your nephews?!" his father screamed, before hearing a loud noise from Lance's bedroom.

Moebius stood there in complete silence, while his brother walked past him to comfort his son, upstairs.

BANG!

He felt a horrible pain wrenching through his body, as Moebius held a now-smoking pistol. "Why don't you lay down and rest, Tal'Set?" He asked, maliciously. "I'll see to Lance~"

Moebius sneaked up the stairs to his nephew's bedroom, taking care not to spook him. He delicately pulled the handle and opened the door. Lance wasn't there!

THOK!

Moebius screamed as Lance shoved his father's war club deep into his shoulder and scrambled away...

Present Day

"And know, you know..." Lance finished.

He hiccuped as tears began to run down his face. "I lost two things on that day. My innocence and my soul."