Shoeshine and the Khaki Maniac

by FanOfMostEverything

Rating: everyone
Tags: Ahuizotl, Adventure, Daring Do, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Trixie, Comedy, Cherry Berry
Length: 9023

This is why you don't complain about what Princess Twilight does in her spare time.

It all started so simply. An offhoof comment from Strawberry Sunrise, a moment of righteous indignation, an effort to protect her livelihood...

Then Shoeshine ran into an unexpected extra mare in Princess Twilight's castle, and everything went off the rails.

Winner of the Season 9 Bingo Contest.

Cover note: Daring's not tiny; she's just far away.

Published 2019-03-29 15:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-03-29 15:20:02 UTC

Somewhere, a Band of Misfits is Missing Its Drummer

"So, we're agreed?"

"Wager's set, game's afoot."

"See you at the winner's circle."

In Shoeshine's opinion, dentists had it easy.

Being a farrier was almost the exact opposite of being a dentist, aside from filing down hard bits growing out of a pony. It wasn't like dentists needed to line their offices with shelves for extracted teeth or replacements. Plus, Shoeshine worked with the bottom rather than the top, she couldn't get away with charging nearly as much, and instead of being the one who got to hold a one-sided conversation because the other's mouth was occupied...

"And so I ask you, what's Princess Twilight really done for us? Drive up our property taxes, that's what. Not like the rest of us asked for that eyesore on the edge of town. I mean, did we really need another alicorn, especially since Princess Cadence can apparently pop them out like it's nothing? Besides, everypony knows Twilight's been in the Apple Family's pocket since before she got her wings."

"Mmhmm." When actually hammering in the shoes, the need for a tight grip meant Shoeshine's only option for a response was a vaguely affirmative grunt. Still, there was still some wiggle room there. When it was Stawberry Sunrise with her leg on the stand, the grunt had to be a lot more vague, and not just because the special aluminum pegashoes needed a careful touch.

"And then there's what she's done with her so-called school and that weird portal thing! I mean, at least Rarity has some sense of restraint. Twilight brings in yaks and dragons and ideas from whole other universes..." Strawberry sighed. "Whatever happened to good, old-fashioned Ponyville, Shoeshine?"

"Mmhmm." Shoeshine nudged Strawberry's back left hoof until the agitated shaking stopped.

"Like shoes. Shoes! You'd think that'd be something so simple that even Princess Twilight couldn't complicate it, but no! Just last moon, in comes that other Rarity babbling on about all kinds of ridiculous things from her crazy monkey dimension. And not galoshes or flameproof boots or something practical. No, it's these absurd lacy things that you'd need two sets of teeth and the neck of a giraffe to tie properly, or brightly colored rubber with holes in it! Ponies walking around like they're changelings who can't decide if they're reformed or not!"

That actually made Shoeshine pause in nailing in the last shoe. "Hrmm?" Now that she thought about it, business had been slower than was normal, even for a slow period like late spring. And yesterday, Lyra had come in for a removal and had just looked embarrassed when Shoeshine had asked about the new set.

"And what does the princess in her crystal castle say? She's just 'helping a friend!' It's like those adult education seminars in the School of Friendship. Did we ask for them? No! Did we need them? No! So who told her to go and have them? Last thing I want is more school. It was bad enough the first time."

"I'm actually attending the one on archeology next week," Shoeshine said as she stepped back from the vaguely crutchlike shoeing stand, now free to talk around the hammer. "I hear Princess Twilight got A. K. Yearling to give the actual lecture."

"Oh. Huh." Strawberry shrugged her wings as she got her last hoof back under her, not an ounce of shame on her face. "Well, it's your time." She trotted in place for a few steps, then hovered for a few flaps. She nodded and said, "Nice work as always. Won't see me in some crazy monkey shoes."

There was a lot Shoeshine could say about Strawberry and "crazy" in the same sentence. All she did say was "I'm sure."

Both moved into the waiting area, with its row of different styles and materials on offer. Strawberry looked around as she pulled out bits. "Nopony else?"

Shoeshine held back a few other comments she'd thought up with a hammer in her jaws. "It is closing time. Plus, I need to see Twilight."

"Pfft. What for?"

A bit of the edge Strawberry had been honing slipped into Shoeshine's voice. "Crazy monkeys and their shoes."

"Huh." Strawberry blinked, looked in the direction of the castle, and bit her lip. "Well, good luck with that."

Once the account was settled, Shoeshine flipped the sign on the shop to Closed and stomped off, taking a close look at each passing pony. She'd always kept half an eye on ponies' hooves, whether to take pride in her own work or to compare it to other farriers' craftsmareship, but she'd always glossed over anypony who wasn't wearing normal horseshoes. There hadn't been anything to see as far as she was concerned. Now, as she made for Namepending Castle, she flipped that bias. Sure enough, everywhere she looked, there were hooves wearing cloth and stranger materials in arrangements no sane equine mind could've ever imagined.

Of course, no sane equine mind would want to wear non-metallic footwear, so that went without saying.

By the time Shoeshine reached the doors of the giant crystal-tree-palace, she was angry enough to consider a side trip to Two Things Boulevard. Torches and Farm Supplies was having a sale...

She shook her head. Angry mobs never worked well against Twilight. Certainly not a mob of one. That was just sad. She opened the always-unlocked door and—

"Can you believe it!?"

Twilight looked like she was in the middle of something. Especially given the sepia pegasus flying angry circles around her, forcing her to crane her neck up to the ceiling. "Daring, I—"

"Look, I need to show those pinheads at the University of Whinnycity—no offense—that this theory has legs. And even I have to admit this one could be too dangerous to handle it on my own." Daring Do (Mare's size 5P, copper, Shoeshine reflexively noted) dove down and landed barely an inch in front of Twilight, the better to yell directly into her muzzle. "And you're telling me that the one time I actually want you and your friends to butt in, you're all too busy!?"

It was around that point that Shoeshine's mind moved past the shoes and reached the realization of Daring Do really does exist, at which point she fell back on her haunches and watched, wide-eyed.

Raspberry magic enveloped Daring, picked her up, and gently placed her at a comfortable speaking distance from Twilight. "In a word?" said the princess, who'd needed custom shoes of something that wasn't quite bismuth since she got the wings. "Yes. The chronomancy we've been using to let everypony both teach at the School of Friendship and do their day jobs drew the wrong kind of attention. Long story short, we're all swamped until Starlight gets back from her hearing at the Tribunal of Time. Which is in another universe. I only have twenty-four hours per day right now, and speaking from experience, Celestia doesn't appreciate it when you ask her for more." She shook her head. "I'm sorry, Daring, but I just can't fit this adventure in my schedule."

Daring's mouth worked silently for a few moments. "But... But it's Dream Valley! I've found the location of the first equine civilization and nopony in the archeology community believes me, traditional or dynamic." She stomped a hoof. "And if I've figured it out, you know Ahuizotl won't be far behind. It's part of the curse."

"I know, I've read Daring Do and the Ancient Altar." Twilight shut her eyes, a forehoof raised as though tracing over unseen text. "'And the Lord of the Drowned shall hound thy steps forever more, until one falters in the chase.'" She sighed. "Believe me, I would love nothing more than to help, but it's just not possible right now. I can't be in two places at..." She trailed off, focus shifting to some point in the middle distance as she frowned in thought. "Well, I can but the bilocation spell doesn't have that kind of range, and my human counterpart has her own problems."

Daring rolled her eyes. "It's called a substitute teacher, Twilight. Celestia knows I made use of them back when I was stuck in a teaching position."

"We tried that once. We had to rebuild several classrooms and resod the entire buckball field afterwards. We went for the highly dangerous chronomancy for a reason."

"Fine," said Daring, taking to the air and turning her body towards the door while she kept facing Twilight. "Don't go blaming me if Ahuizotl gets his paws on the Golden Horseshoes of Mimic the Mighty."

"The what!?" Only after the words began to echo did Shoeshine realize she'd said them.

Both turned to Shoeshine. Daring dropped out of the air, shuddering as she stuck the landing. "Who are you? How long were you there?" She snarled and crouched, wings spread. "Who are you working for?"

"Daring, wait!" Twilight dove between them, spreading her own wings. "That's Shoeshine, she's just the town farrier!"

"Sure she is. For how long?"

"Since before I moved to Ponyville. She doesn't have a sinister bone in her body!"

Shoeshine tried not to think about what she was going to say about the whole 'imported monkey shoes' issue. "I, uh, it's because I'm the town farrier that I spoke up when you mentioned Mimic's horseshoes. I mean, you hear legends about that sort of thing. Hoofed down from master to student."

"With all due respect, miss, I've probably heard those same legends and a lot more besides. It's kind of my job." Daring blinked and whipped off her pith helmet. "And, uh... would you believe that I'm A. K. Yearling and I just really like getting in character when doing research for the books?"

"I'm pretty sure everypony in town at least suspects you're real after reading Ring of Destiny, Miss Do. And that one Winter Wrap-Up where you and Cherry Berry helped Ditzy Doo bring in the southern birds."

Daring sighed. "Feathering Ponyville."

"But, uh..." Shoeshine fidgeted and forced herself not to chew her hooves like Miss Chalkdust had just asked her to come solve the problem on the board. "I'm just wondering, how are you going to deal with the whole, you know, 'bonds to the soul of anypony who touches them' issue?"

After a brief silence, Daring cleared her throat and said, "Okay, so I might have done a bit less prep on the artifact itself given the magnitude of the site."

"You know," said Twilight, "I may not be able to come with you, but I think I can recommend a few ponies who can make up the difference."

Daring rolled her eyes and looked to Shoeshine. "She's going to do the whole 'friendship' thing whether I like it or not, isn't she?"

Shoeshine just gave a rueful smile and nodded.

Getting ready for a dynamic archeological expedition was surprisingly easy, at least for a "horseshoe consultant." Shoeshine just packed some tools and winter clothes, then dug out the "Gone Adventuring" sign the town chamber of commerce had given her and most other Ponyvillians after Princess Luna's return and hung it on her door. "If Pinkie Pie can get called to save the world, anypony can" had been the logic at the time, and Shoeshine found herself grateful for it.

Once everything was ready, she made for the train station. Shoeshine had been there plenty of times before, so what first caught her attention was the unusal sight of a flatbed car attached to the usual Friendship Express. On that car sat an immense, rounded machine with something like a fan blade on top and a smaller one attached to its tail. Through the heart-shaped openings on either side and the front windscreen, she could see copious supplies in a rear cargo area, two minotaur-style chairs in front, and a wide bench in the middle. In front of the chairs were a pair of levers that served as steering devices and two pairs of pedals arranged side-by-side, for pilot and copilot.

Putting aside the tail and the ski-shaped landing gear that had been strapped to the car, it was the exact shape and color of a black cherry.

Its owner (Mare's 8E, steel) was right next to it, shouting at the conductor (Stallion's 10E, same.) "I gave specific instructions for securing the pedalothopter!" cried Cherry Berry. "It's an incredibly intricate piece of machinery, not some pile of planks!"

He just rolled his eyes. "Lady, if there weren't a royal decree making me drag this eyesore to the Empire, you'd be flying it there yourself. Now get in and stop making me consider treason!"

Shoeshine shook her head and took a moment to add her bags to the thopter's hold before getting on board. Her ticket had also been royally granted. Twilight might have shaken up the town, but having a local princess did have some perks.

It took Shoeshine a moment to find the last member of the group, since she actually had to look for her for once. She was curled up on one of the seats, holding onto her hat for dear life with her cape wrapped around her like a secuirty blanket. "This is actually happening," said Trixie (Mare's 4U, alchemically hardened silver,) sounding almost dazed. "I'm actually expected to be the magical muscle for some cockamamie adventure. This is how Sparkle is going to—" She cut herself off as she finally met Shoeshine's gaze.

Trixie bolted up, chin high, chest puffed out, hat replaced at a jaunty angle. All that was missing was a breeze to make her cape billow dramatically. "How Princess Sparkle is going to finally recognize Trixie's incomparable skill! Compared to overthrowing Queen Chrysalis with nothing but her wits and a few smoke bombs, this is nothing! And this time Trixie doesn't even have some dopey draconequus holding her back!"

After a few moments of silence, Shoeshine shrugged and sat opposite the showmare. "Okay."

Trixie nodded. "Yes. Good." And quietly enough that Shoeshine could barely make it out, she added, "I'd really hoped that would get him to show up."

Any further attempts to talk to, or at least towards Trixie were cut off by a scowling Cherry Berry stomping into the car, plopping down between Shoeshine and the window, and scowling out of the window as the scenery began to move. "If the rotors lock up while we're a few thousand feet over Yakyakistan," she said, "don't blame me."

"Eh, I've dealt with worse. You should try flying in a monkey-operated barrel plane, especially when Ahuizotl's paid off the pilot." The quiet words made all three look to Daring Do, now wearing glasses, a cloche hat, and a purple cloak, who made herself comfortable next to Trixie. "Okay, quick rundown," she half-whispered. "Yes, I'm real. No, the books aren't an exact match for my actual adventures. No, I can't tell you what the differences are, for reasons of national security. Yes, the name on my birth certificate is Alluvial Karst Yearling. Never legally had it changed, for obvious reasons. I still prefer Daring, again, for obvious reasons. And yes, we're seeking out Dream Valley in the windigoes' old hunting grounds to find an ancient artifact and keep it out of the wrong tail. Any other questions?"

"What are the odds that one of your enemies is going to hijack or sabotage the train?" said Trixie.

"Much less than you might think. The thing about sabotaging a train is that if you don't have a good escape plan, you're going to suffer just as much as everypony else. As for hijacking, don't forget that if something goes wrong with the engine, the engineers are expected to get out and pull. You don't mess with rail workers."

Cherry snorted. "He started it." After a few good-natured chuckles, she rolled her neck and said, "How about we go over the plan one more time? The car's practically empty, so it's not like we have to worry about eavesdroppers."

That got Shoeshine to look around. Sure enough, there were only a few other ponies in the car, and any attention Trixie's earlier outburst might have garnered had already faded.

"Fair enough," Daring said after her own assessment. "It's fairly straightforward, all things considered. Cherry's here for logistics, since even I'd hesitate to fly as far north as we're going on my own. Plus, if there are any windigos still in the area, best to travel in a group with full tribal representation."

"Shouldn't we have a bat pony for that?" said Cherry.

Daring bobbed her head from side to side. "Kind of a grey area. Besides, I pulled together this expedition over the course of an afternoon. Not like Ponyville has a massive chiropteron population. Now, once we're at the site itself, Trixie's our way in."

Based on her volume, Trixie believed the only whisper worth using was a stage whisper. "Yes. Trixie shall astound you with—"

Cherry caught Trixie's foreleg mid-dramatic sweep. "Right now, Trixie will astound us by not drawing attention to herself for once."

"Hmph. No sense of drama. This is going to be a published novel, you know."

"No comment," said Daring. "Anyway, we're going into one of the oldest ruins in the world. Not just Paleopony Period, early Paleopony Period. Even if there were traps, the most sophisticated preservation spells of that era couldn't have endured as much time and cold as they've been subjected to. It's probably one of the safest sites I've ever gone to on that front. It's just the trip that's going to be the problem."

"Um..." Shoeshine flinched a little when everypony turned to her. "Wh-why am I here again?"

"You're the expert," Daring answered. "You've already proven that you know more about the Horseshoes than I do, and I didn't exactly have a lot of time to research them while I was coordinating everything. You're here to make sure the rest of us don't do something monumentally stupid once we find the things."

"Oh. Okay then." Shoeshine couldn't help but wonder who was supposed to keep her from doing something monumentally stupid.

They clearly weren't very good at their job.

"One last question," said Trixie. "Why Dream Valley? Why now?"

"Because the sooner we get them secured, the better." After a moment, Daring added, "And so I can prove that I'm right and Ritual Purpose is wrong."

"Ah, spite. Finally something Trixie can get behind."

Cherry sat up, ears twitching.

"What is it?" said Shoeshine.

"Security spell." Cherry glared and practically flung herself out of her seat. As she hurried to the back of the car, she cried, "Get to the thopter!"

The others were close behind, shoving past shocked passengers and porters. Daring simply took to the air between cars. Trixie and Shoeshine made it to the flatbed in time to hear her shocked cry. And to see the pedalothopter's rotors spinning up, its landing gear no longer strapped down.

The sun reflected off of the windscreen, keeping them from seeing who was in the cockpit, but a cheeky wave out of the side let Shoeshine catch a glimpse of the pilot's hoof.

Stallion, size 10E. Steel.

Daring dove into one of the open sides, slamming into the fake conductor. Cherry wasn't far behind, shouting improbable speculation about his parentage.

Shoeshine squirmed. "So, uh, should we...?"

Trixie shrugged. "It's two on one. I'm sure they've got this."

Another earth stallion, size 8, came flying out of the thopter and tumbling along the train.

"He'll be fine. You earth ponies are tough."

Daring stuck her head out of her side of the thopter, her front end wrapped around a painfully extended foreleg. "Get in, you two! We're taking off from here!"

Trixie and Shoeshine both jumped as though stung and rushed to the side that didn't have an angry pegasus sticking out of it. "Are we still stopping in the Empire?" Shoeshine said as she clambered aboard.

Cherry shoved, Daring pulled, and the last thug went tumbling out of the machine, along with Daring herself. Cherry slipped into the pilot's seat like it had been made for her. Which made sense, since it had. "Hopefully," she said as she began to work the pedals. "It'll be a long flight otherwise."

Daring flapped back into the cockpit. "It's one we'll have to make. If we're already getting goons, then odds are we'll have more waiting for us at the station. I wouldn't put it past Caballeron or Stalwart Stallion to have a shell identity prepared for the Empire ahead of time. Maybe both. With something this big, Ahuizotl will spare no expense.

"Fortunately, Cherry and I made sure to load the thopter with some supplies ahead of time, and those guys didn't even dump them out." She grinned and fell back onto the pile of bags, forelegs behind her head.

Shoeshine gave a small smile. "I, uh, put mine in too."

"Trixie thought you were all traveling too light. She keeps the essentials in her hat at all times."

"It's still a long way north," said Cherry. "We're going to need to take shifts on the pedals."

Trixie made a shocked choking noise. "Trixie did not sign up for manual labor!"

"Well, good news." Shoeshine could hear the smirk in Cherry's voice. "There's a mana converter in the back. Just stick your horn in there when it's your turn and you can power the rotors without moving a muscle."

"Oh. Well, uh..." Trixie's eyes darted from side to side. "Trixie needs to conserve her energy for when we get to the site."

"Uh huh. We'll get to that when we get to it."

"How are you taking this so calmly?" said Shoeshine.

"I'm an earth pony in aeronautics. I've had to develop a thick skin." Cherry chuckled. "That and I've ferried the Gold Horseshoe Gals to and from Las Pegasus for the past eight years. It takes a lot to be more terrifying than an hours-long balloon ride with four old mares who don't have an ounce of shame between them."

"Trixie finds herself respecting and envying you, and she's not sure how to process that."

"Good."

The flight went on long after the small talk petered out. Daring focused on checking the equipment and supplies in the back. Cherry focused on the flight itself, her work with map and compass ensuring they stayed on the course Daring had laid out and her pedaling ensuring they stayed in the air. Shoeshine hadn't said much to begin with, and had fallen silent as the magnitude of what she'd just been through sunk in. It was one thing to watch Princess Twilight and her friends confront monsters and menaces. It was quite another to experience that kind of thing firsthoof.

She turned to Trixie, who was cuddling her hat again. Going by the unicorn's thousand-yard stare, it didn't get much easier with time.

"Okay, one of you is going to have to switch out with me soon," said Cherry, breaking the silence. "My hind legs are going to cramp up if I don't get some rest in the next couple minutes."

Shoeshine shimmied her way through the narrow aisle between seats and settled her hooves on the copilot's pedals. "I'll do it."

That got a nod. "Thanks."

And that was all anypony said for the next few hours. Some grabbed catnaps when they could. Shoeshine followed suit after Daring took a turn at the pedals. When she woke up, she was astonished to see the pegasus still at it. Daring must have noticed Shoeshine's astonishment, since she smiled and said, "You break your wings as often as I do, you make sure you can rely on your legs."

The temperature fell dramatically as they went further north, the greens and browns below giving way to white as cloud cover hid the sky. The team slipped on parkas, hats, and boots extracted from the back, Shoeshine included. Even she could admit her fetlocks needed some extra warmth when she could see her breath.

"Just pass me a scarf," said Daring, still at the pedals.

Shoeshine did, asking "Are you sure?"

Daring adopted the same cheeky grin as before. "Pegasus, remember? Besides, when your special talent is exploration, cold's just another interesting discovery along the way."

Shoeshine couldn't help herself. "Like muscle cramps?"

"Now you're getting it," Daring said with a laugh.

"That is so unfair." Shoeshine couldn't help but smile when she looked in one of the rearview mirrors and saw a muttering, vaguely Trixie-shaped lump of blankets and winter clothes on one end of the back bench.

She then turned to the other end, where Cherry frowned out at the arctic wastes below. "Everything okay?"

"Something about making my way into a frozen desert..." Cherry shut her eyes and shook her head like she was trying to shake something out of her ears. "I've had dreams like this, and not pleasant ones. Now's about the time when something goes horribly wrong and the whole red planet tries to kill us."

"Red planet?"

"More of a dull pinkish orange, really."

Shoeshine might have asked further, but that was when she heard the first high-pitched shriek. Wind had blown through the thopter's cabin before; that was half the reason why she'd bundled up. But this was something different. It rose and fell like speech, or a drawn-out scream. There was just enough of a whinny to it to suggest language, and more than enough cold hatred to suggest the source.

Trixie apparently came to the same conclusion, given how well she summed it up: "Pedal faster. I hear windigoes."

"I've been at this for almost two hours," Daring said through gritted teeth. "I can't exactly kick it into high gear."

"Then switch!" The pile of fabric wriggled in a way that suggested frantic gesturing underneath. "Earth ponies, front and center!"

Shoeshine started pedaling. Cherry just glared. "You know, Captain Lulamoon, you could take a turn."

Trixie's head burst out of her woolen nest. "Who told you that name?"

More chilling cries interrupted them. "Maybe we shouldn't fight around the windigos?" said Shoeshine, panic putting an edge on her voice.

Daring nodded. "One of the basic lessons of Hearth's Warming, right up there with leaving milk and cookies out for the spirit of Chancellor Puddinghead." She pointed ahead, where the clouds visibly roiled. "Also, I'm pretty sure we're headed towards most of them."

"Can't we go under them?" said Trixie.

"Being directly beneath a bunch of windigoes doesn't sound like a good idea," said Cherry.

"Over them?"

Daring's eyes panned up until they hit the top edge of the windscreen. "Over those clouds? I like oxygen in my air, thank you."

"Well, what are we supposed to do!?" The last word rivaled the windigoes' cries for screechiness.

"Stop arguing!" cried Shoeshine.

"This isn't arguing, this is complaining!" cried Trixie. "Do you want to hear arguing?"

Judging by the louder, more frequent cries coming from outside the cabin, the windigoes did.

Then Shoeshine realized that the shaking wasn't just her shivering from a combination of panic and increasing cold. The thopter had started to vibrate, and mechanical groans jonied the ongoing chorus of awful noises. "What's that?"

Cherry took a deep breath. "Thanks to somepony who will not be named, the rotors have begun to ice up."

"Really?" Trixie deadpanned. "Are we really doing this now?"

"Now you're asking that question?"

"You're not helping either," said Daring.

"None of us are helping!" Shoeshine shouted. "We're all making it worse! It's getting harder to pedal! Something's starting to break and I think it's me! We're going to crash if we don't try something different!"

The whole world seemed to go silent, windigoes included. "Yeah, good call," said Cherry. She got up and grabbed Trixie by the neck.

"Hey! What are you doing! Unhoof Trixie this—"

Cherry hauled Trixie, coats and all, and swung her into the back of the thopter. Trixie met the back wall horn first with a sound like "ka-chunk."

"Okay," said Cherry. "Make with the greatness and power."

"Trixie is not some mana battery you can—"

A whinny from outside sent chills down Shoeshine's spine and formed icicles along Trixie's hat.

"Making with the greatness and power!"

Shoeshine heard the tinkling bells of unicorn magic from behind, and then she was too busy getting pressed into her seat to notice much of anything.

"Hey. Hey!"

"Whuh..." Eyes fluttered open. After a few moments, Shoeshine remembered that they belonged to her, and the pink blob in front of them probably meant something. "Huh?"

"Good, you're up," said the blob, which gradually resolved itself into Cherry Berry. "Great news, we're here."

"We are?" Shoeshine looked around as best she could with her head still wedged in her seat. They had certainly landed, but all she could see beyond the thopter was white ground and grey skies.

"Yeah. Daring won't shut up about it. It's kind of endearing, but it got old after the first minute or two." Cherry stepped to the side, tossing her head back. "Still, you'll want to see this."

Shoeshine got up. Or tried to. Everything felt numb, and her muscles didn't respond properly. The resulting full-body twitch sent her precipitously close to hitting the secondary steering rig muzzle-first.

Cherry lunged between her and the controls. "Easy there!" She carefully guided Shoeshine to her feet. "I remember my first recovery from sudden acceleration. Don't worry, you'll get the feeling back in your legs any moment n—"

Every part of Shoeshine's body from the neck down caught on fire, or at least felt like it. "AHHH!"

Cherry winced. "I was going to warn you about that part."

Once the pain eased to merely horrible, Shoeshine gasped out, "Earth ponies were not meant to fly."

"Says you." Cherry tugged Shoeshine out of the chair and onto shaky hooves. "Now come on, this is apparently 'the archeological find of the century.' And I still need to grab Trixie."

"Why, what happened to..." Shoeshine trailed off once she looked. "Oh."

Trixie had fallen out of the mana converter and lay sprawled out over the supplies. A few wisps of smoke trailed off of both the socket and her horn. Her tongue hung out and her eyes stared in different directions.

"Yeah, it's a lot easier to get magic out of a unicorn than an earth pony or pegasus," said Cherry. "Kind of what they're made for. That also means it's a lot easier to pull too much out of them." She hauled Trixie onto her back. "Don't worry, she'll be fine. Eventually."

"Dun' wanna go to school. Gunna be pate 'n' growerful."

"See?" Cherry hopped out of the thopter, Trixie in tow.

"Uh... huh." Shoeshine gingerly stepped out herself, progressively less so as the aches faded. After a few steps, she gasped and dashed ahead of Cherry. She didn't need any guidance to the only visible feature in the area.

The building had an austere majesty to it, almost monolithic in the lines of frost and streaks of rock-hard ice over a strange purple material that flowed more like ivy than water, reaching up as often as dripping down, though it thankfully lay motionless. For now. Under both was the occassional glimpse of something more familiar, architecture with explicable angles and a faint hint of either comfortingly normal pink or soothing blue in the caps of the corner towers.

Shoeshine just stared for a few moments. "Wow."

"Right?" Daring landed next to her, beaming like Pinkie Pie on Hearth's Warming. "That awe you're feeling right now? That sense of wonder at seeing something nopony has for millennia? That's why I do this."

She reared up, spreading wings and forelegs to encompass the ancient citadel. "Behold, ladies. Dream Castle. The desmesne of Queen Majesty, the home of the likes of Gusty the Great, and the earliest known bastion of equine civilization. Here it lies, preserved by the cold and the frozen corpse of the First Smooze." She settled back down and smirked. "Now, let's crack this bad boy open and get some proof we were here."

"Slight problem with that," said Cherry. "Our bad boy cracker's still spent, remember?" She tilted her head back towards Trixie.

"Izzis yer card?"

"Can't we just take a picture?" said Shoeshine.

Daring shook her head. "That's not how it works in dynamic archeology. Surprise, suprise, the study of ancient civilizations is slow to adopt new inventions. The honor of discovery goes to whoever first returns with some physical artifact from the site."

Cherry hummed in thought. "So how were you planning on Trixie getting through this? I'm not even sure if we're looking at the front gates or a random wall."

"The latter, actually." Daring pointed to their right. "The gates are over on that wall. I could see which end had the archway while we were landing."

"While we were landing."

"Yes."

Cherry stared at Daring. After a few moments, Daring facehoofed. "In my defense, by this point in a typical adventure, at least one of my wings is broken and I don't have a trained thopter pilot with me."

One quick hop over the castle's outer wall later, the group walked out into the courtyard, even Trixie able to get back on her hooves, if tottering like a newborn. Thick, snow-dusted ice still covered most surfaces, and cascades of the living purple poured from the walls. Still, the layout of the place was clear to even Shoeshine's eyes. If anything, it made more sense to her than the Ponyville palace-tree.

Which, now that she thought about it, was purple and possibly alive.

"This should be it," Daring's voice said from a fair distance away.

Shoeshine happily dropped that line of thought and caught up to the rest of the group, who had moved to one of several small doors lining the outer wall. "What should?" she asked.

The pegasus scraped away some of the caked-on frost on the door—Shoeshine only now noted the thin steel edge on her shoes—to reveal a faded picture of a perched parrot. "The chambers of Mimic the Mighty."

Everypony turned to Shoeshine. It took her a moment to realize why. "Oh! Uh, don't touch the Horseshoes directly. They'll bond to you, body and soul, and it's almost impossible to get them off."

"Didn't they make Mimic one of the greatest and most powerful unicorns of her time?" said Trixie.

Shoeshine gave her a look she'd been saving since before Twilight got wings. "I don't think I need to tell you why an artifact that bonds to the wearer's soul is dangerous."

"... Trixie withdraws her question."

Daring looked at Cherry. "Alicorn Amulet," said the latter.

"Of course. It's Ponyville. Next you'll tell me somepony found the Diptych of Manifestation in a stable sale."

"No, he found it in the Everfree castle library," Cherry said with a smile. "Then he gave it to his crush, and we needed three alicorns to clean up afterwards."

Daring just groaned. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

"Little bit, yeah."

Shoeshine cleared her throat. "Um, anyway, aside from that, they should be fairly safe. Some of the stories say they have a mind of their own, but not all of them, so uh, be polite?"

"If they are sapient, we're pulling them out of millennia of frozen isolation," said Daring. "I'd say we're ahead of the game there."

"Assuming they haven't gone crazy." Everypony turned to Trixie. "What? It's like Daring said. Millennia of frozen isolation can't be good for your mental health, even when you're a bunch of magical horseshoes."

"Today is a day of brave new frontiers for the Ponish language," Cherry observed.

Daring turned to face them, holding up a hoof. "Okay, enough banter. We've got our mission, we've got our intel, now all we have to do is get the artifact. Simple."

With that, she kicked at the door. She might have kicked it in, had it not opened ahead of her. Instead, she found herself on only two hooves atop arctic ice, and only a quick flap of her wings kept her from landing on her belly.

Then a bluish-white saber-toothed tiger pounced on her and rendered that effort moot.

Three shocked screams rang out. Daring just scowled, forelegs quivering as she held back the slavering beast. "Oh you have got to be kidding me!" She tucked in her lower body, rolled back, and bucked the tiger over the others' heads.

They turned to follow it, and Shoeshine felt her jaw drop. The tiger got to its feet, and now that it wasn't within biting distance, she could see that its body was composed of cloudy ice, through which she could make out the distorted forms of ancient, yellowed bones. Even one of its great fangs was a curved icicle.

But that wasn't what stunned her. That was the grand, unmistakable figure at whose feet the ice tiger rested. Around that being was a tangible imposing presence, a sense of age and power like Princess Celestia, but with the loving warmth replaced by malice and suffocating dread.

"N-n-not s-s-so fast, D-d-d-d..." The harsh words petered out, the figure's looming pose giving way to him huddling into as small a ball as he could manage, the big cat looking vaguely embarrassed on his behalf.

That did lessen the effect somewhat.

"Ahuizotl," said Daring, moving between him and the others. "You're looking bluer than usual."

"S-s-spare me your quips. I have c-c-come, as y-y-you knew I would, tracked you t-t-t-t..." His sneeze interrupted the monologue.

"I figured the Lord of the Drowned wouldn't appreciate sub-zero temperatures. Especially when your lackeys tried to sabotage our means of getting here rather than attacking me directly." Daring nodded at the tiger. "Still, should've known you'd find a pet somehow." She crouched, wings spread, and any hint of casual banter left her voice. "What have you done with the Horseshoes?"

Ahuizotl snarled, revealing far too many chattering fangs. "They are g-g-gone, if they w-w-were ever here. Y-y-you merely guessed, D-d-daring Do. And g-g-guessed wrong."

Daring hummed at that. "Shoeshine? You never did mention any kind of security the Horseshoes might have."

Shoeshine jumped, mouth working silently as she tried to process being the center of attention in such a showdown. "Uh, well, I mean, this was Dream Castle, right? Its gates were open to anything that Queen Majesty or the Magnus didn't annihilate."

"Or Applejack the First," added Cherry.

Trixie gave a fond sigh. "Ah, the Jewel Wizard. Trixie has grown to appreciate tales of rock-themed tyrants getting their comeuppance."

Daring began to pace, though only a few steps back and forth, making sure she always had an eye on Ahuizotl. "And suppose there was some malicious entity who wished ill for ponykind who somehow got within the castle grounds. What do you think a unicorn like Mimic the Mighty might do?"

"Cast some grand spell to hide them from those who might misuse their power!" cried Trixie.

"N-n-n-no spell lasts f-f-forever."

"On the Horseshoes?" Shoeshine's legs quivered as Ahuizotl focused on her, but she still maintained eye contact. "It could. E-especially if somepony who'd worn them for years cast it."

Daring nodded. "So, Ahuizotl. Let's say I'm right. If that's the case, then the only one keeping me here is you. Once you go, we can collect the horseshoes and be on our merry way to somewhere that isn't colder than a shaved yak."

The hatred in Ahuizotl's glare chilled Shoeshine more than anything she'd experienced thus far. "If you are r-r-right. And I c-c-could sabotage your r-r-return trip."

Daring sighed. "Look, let me have this one, and I'll stick to equatorial regions for the next, oh, three expeditions."

He narrowed his eyes. "S-s-s-six."

"You're really not in a position to negotiate here. And my editor has said I should branch out into other biomes more often." She gave a speculative look off into the distance. "Don't think anypony's ever given the Storm Kingdom a serious look, far south as it is."

Ahuizotl growled, making loose snowflakes (and farriers) tremble and sending out a great plume of breath. "And th-th-they call me c-c-cruel." He snapped out his tail just long enough to shake Daring's hoof before coiling it back around himself. "The b-b-bargain is struck, D-d-daring Do, and s-s-so the chase c-c-continues. B-b-but be warned: I w-w-will learn from this indiginity."

Daring nodded. "I look forward to seeing you in a bobble hat and a Hearth's Warming sweater."

His lips curled into a sneer, and he barked out a laugh that had little to do with amusement. Then Shoeshine blinked, and he was gone. All that remained of the tiger was a one-fanged skull.

"Uh, girls?" Cherry pointed inside the room. "I don't want to alarm anypony, but the Horseshoes still aren't showing up." Indeed, the ancient chamber remained stubbornly gold-free, holding only the sparse furnishings that had lasted this long.

Everypony looked to Daring. She cleared her throat. "Well, it was just a hypothesis. But they should definitely be here somewhere."

"Oh," said Trixie. "'Somewhere.' Great, really narrows it down."

Cherry shoved her with a hoof. "Complaining isn't going to help."

"It's good for morale."

"How is hearing you whine good for anypony's morale?"

"It makes Trixie feel better."

Daring sighed. "You realize that at this rate, you're going to attract the windigoes back to us."

Trixie turned to her, snorting out puffs of angry breath herself. "And whose bright idea was it to—"

"Uh, girls?" They looked to see Shoeshine standing inside Mimic's room, facing them. She pointed up. "I found them. They're hanging above the doorframe. I guess even Mimic needed a little good luck sometimes."

Cherry followed her to see them, lined up in a row. They were indeed gold, but otherwise showed no signs of decoration or embellishment. Shoeshine could've melted down a couple dozen bits and knocked out a set of mare's size 3Us like that if she wanted to waste the money. "You sure?"

Trixie gasped the moment she poked her head in the room, craning her head up towards the Horseshoes with wide eyes. "Great Hoofdini's ghost! The sheer power coming off of those things—"

Cherry put her head down and shoved Trixie back outside. "Yeah, we're not letting you anywhere near them."

"But wait," said Shoeshine. "Why didn't Ahuizotl spot them?"

"I think we already established that," said Daring, puffing out her chest.

Cherry glanced at her as she kept moving Trixie to a safe distance. "For somepony who works alone, you sure do take pride in everypony knowing you were right."

"You didn't think I wrote those novels just to pay the bills, did you?"

"Can we just pack the things up and get out of this icy stretch of Tartarus?" said Trixie, who had stopped struggling at this point and just sat in a huff.

Daring nodded. "Sure. I had a carrying case made for them. Be back in two shakes."

As Daring went to the thopter, Cherry tapped her chin with a hoof. "You know what? I take it back."

"What?"

"Your complaining is good for morale."

"Hmph." Trixie turned up her muzzle, and likely would've tossed her mane if it weren't under three layers of fabric. "Nice to hear you say so."

"I mean, I know I want to do whatever it takes to put an end to a racket like that."

After a brief scare involving Trixie's cape, a patch of bare ice, and the discovery that unicorn telekinesis counted as a form of touching the Horseshoes, the artifacts were safely stowed away in something not unlike an instrument case. If they were self-aware, then they didn't seem to have any issues with their velvet-lined accommodations.

Daring let out a sigh of relief as she slouched in the copilot's seat. "Okay, we'll be able to swing wide on the trip back. I know this one patch of airspace north of Yakyakistan that windigoes won't go anywhere near."

Cherry gave her a sharp look "And you didn't mention this on the way here because..."

"Do you know how Ahuizotl got here fast enough to stick a loop-the-looping undead Smilodon in that room?" Daring waited a beat before nodding. "Yeah, neither do I. He doesn't need to worry about little things like getting from Point A to Point B. He just shows up. That means I have to cover that distance as quickly as I can. It's a big part of why I usually work alone; one mare can get herself going a lot faster than a big expedition."

"I thought you needed to prove you were right to those pinheads at the University of Whinnycity," said Shoeshine. She turned to Trixie. "Um, no offense."

"Meh." A wriggle of fabric suggested Trixie shrugging. "Trixie's performed at Whinny U. They are a bunch of pinheads, even the ones who aren't unicorns."

"Besides," added Daring, "that was more of a side benefit. Plus, I got to confirm a few hypotheses along the way."

"Well, you found Dream Valley," said Shoeshine. "That's one. What else?"

"Sociologists are calling it the Sparkle Effect, though the princess is trying to come up with something that doesn't make it sound like she causes it."

Cherry snorted. "Yeah, that's not happening. We call that place Namepending Castle because she never came up with anything better."

"Trixie proposes the Lulamoon Effect," proposed Trixie.

"You don't even know what it is," said Cherry.

"Trixie fails to see how that's relevant."

"And don't you hate that name?"

"Trixie just prefers to be known by her stage persona. Even with that royal pardon in the books."

"So, the Sparkle Effect?" Shoeshine said, perhaps a bit louder than necessary.

"Right. There's a lot of gobbledygook about bystander effect, the proximity of the Tree of Harmony, et cetera, but the gist of it is that anypony who's lived in Ponyville since Princess Luna returned is a bad-flank waiting to happen." Daring turned to face Shoeshine and shot her a winning grin. "Given the recent evidence, I can certainly believe it."

"Um, well... Thank you?"

"No. Thank you. You've helped keep the world safe." Daring chuckled. "And kept my publisher happy, but the world takes priority."

Strawberry Sunrise nearly fell out of the sky when she saw the line leading out of the farrier's shop. "Celestia's beard, what happened?"

"Oh, Strawberry! Over here, darling!"

She homed in on the waving white foreleg. "What's going on, Rarity?"

"Haven't you heard? There's this simply amazing exhibition of early pony artifacts at the Canterlot Hippology Museum, including the Horseshoes of the Mimic the Mighty. Needless to say, traditional horseshoes are very much in at the moment." Rarity gave a theatrical sigh. "I simply don't know what to tell my dear human counterpart. She'll be heartbroken, I know it."

"Eh, big whoop."

Rarity gave her a thin smile. "Tactful as ever, I see."

Strawberry rubbed the back of her neck, then winced as a loosening nail snagged her mane. "So, uh, I kind of wanted to see Shoeshine..."

"Well, as you can see, she's quite thoroughly booked. I'd let you go ahead of me, of course, but—"

"Yeah, that ain't happenin'," Applejack said from directly behind Rarity. She pointed behind herself. "Back of the line, Sunrise." The rest of the line murmured in surly agreement.

Strawberry looked back at her one possible lifeline. "Et tu, Rarity?"

That lifeline shook her head. "You're a friend, Strawberry, make no mistake, but it's not like I've ever saved the world with you."

Strawberry sighed and began her trek to the end of the line, the sound of a banging hammer and happy, vaguely affirmative grunts barely audible from this distance.

"So, did you tell them?"

"Everything but this," said Daring. "No need to complicate things with the messy details."

"I'd call you out on that, but we both know I'm guilty of pulling that kind of thing myself."

"Judging by how we're not being swarmed by your 'social media' fans right now, that much is clear." Daring made a point of looking around their relatively isolated table at the coffee shop.

"Come on, you know me." A. K. Yearling smiled, took her teacup in hand, and toasted Daring. "We both do like our privacy."

Daring returned the grin and the toast. Fingers took some getting used to, but she was getting a grip on the concept after the last few visits. "That we do."

"So, you had the first full adventure since our earlier meeting. What do I owe you?"

Daring steepled her fingers. Oh yeah, she could definitely get used to those things. "I just need you to do me a little favor while you're in the area. There's a little boutique in this town, and I need a commission from someone accustomed to working with fingers..."

Deep in the Forbidden Jungles lay an ancient, crumbling ziggurat, the civilization that first laid its stones long since lost to time and other predators. The walls were decorated in mosaics in various states of disrepair, depicting figures familiar and forgotten. The hallways twisted in a pattern whose significance was now a mystery. The floors were flanked by shallow gutters, their brown-red staining best left unidentified.

And in the center of that bygone ruin was a throne, high-backed and rough-hewn, where Ahuizotl glared into the distance and absently petted his favorite cat.

One of his interchangable worshippers entered the inner sanctum and cleared his throat. "Package for you, Almighty One."

Mitzi leapt away as Ahuizotl sat up. "What?" He glared at the cardboard box on his minion's back as though it were Daring Do's smirking muzzle. "What is the meaning of this?"

The stallion's mouth worked silently as his brain made an inexperienced attempt to think. "Um... somepony sent you something?"

Ahuizotl rolled his eyes. "Yes, I can see that. We are in the most remote, most treacherous part of darkest Southern Equestria." He grabbed the offending package in a paw, glaring as though to crush it with sheer hatred. "Who dares to taunt me by treating my temple like some suburban post office?"

"Uh, well..." The stallion fiddled with his spear, looking everywhere but his master's eyes. "You see, it was this crosseyed pegasus—"

"Oh." And as quickly as it came, Ahuizotl's fury was gone. He sat back down and put the box back in his lap. "Say no more, my servant. If it was the Bride of Hermes fulfilling her duties, then I have no room to complain. Now, as for the package itself..." The address nearly sent him railing once more.

Ahuizotl or Current Resident
Most Remote, Most Treacherous Part
Forbidden Jungles, S. Equestria

"Flagrant mockery. Clearly the work of Daring Do. She shall pay for this." A glance at the return address made the ancient fiend frown in confusion. "Though the address of this 'Hemline Carousel' is strange to me. So many numbers to it."

"Shall I dispose of it, my lord?"

Ahuizotl shook his head. "No. I will admit, my adversary has piqued my interest." A few swipes of his claws made quick work of the packing tape. Within, atop whatever else was in the box, was a typewritten note.

Something for you to do between expeditions, and something for the fourth one. See you there.

Ahuizotl tossed it aside. Beneath was another note, this one so full of looping curls of calligraphy, it was hard to tell where the text ended and the curling borders began, though more intelligible words were sprinkled throughout.

Let It Be Known
Tlatolani Ahuizotl
is cordially invited to speak at the School of Friendship in Ponyville, Cantershire on the topic of
Ancient Mesoequestrian History
on Celest 18, 1086
by Her Highness Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship.

Répondez s'il vous plaît

Ahuizotl gritted his teeth and tore the paper to shreds.

"So that's a no for the RSVP, my lord?" his minion said from over his shoulder.

"It is. Sending me a form letter of all things. That child has much to learn about the ways of immortals." Ahuizotl brushed the remnants of the invitation off his lap and looked at the remaining contents of the box.

All that was left was a single knitted mitten, sized for his tail hand and done up in a cheerful pine tree pattern, with a trio of diamonds on the thumb knuckle.

He narrowed his eyes at it, then dismissed the lackey with a snarl and a wave of his paw. Then, looking to make sure no one else was in his throne room, he slipped on the mitten.

It fit perfectly, and was distressingly comfortable.

After some moments of contemplation and rapping fingers on the arm of his throne, Ahuitzotl muttered, "You task me, Daring Do. You task me."

He made no motion to remove the mitten.

Author's Note

Obligatory prompt pic:
(Futureproofing transcript: Higher Education, Daring Do, Earth Pony Flight, Shoeshine, Trixie)

Yeah, three character tags and a fourth that might as well read "Cherry Berry." Certainly made for an interesting ensemble fic.

Credit where it's due:
Admiral Biscuit for the idea of Shoeshine as the town farrier
Estee for the best ponification of Chicago that I've seen, including official ones.
Carabas for the field of dynamic archeology.
ChudoJogurt for the idea of Ahuizotl as a quasideific entity with dominion over the drowned and drowning.
Kris Overstreet for forever linking Cherry Berry and inhospitable, frozen deserts in my mind.
Georg for introducing me to the mythic delight that is the Herpy ship.
And you for reading this pile of silliness.

Horse teeth continually erupt and are designed to be worn down by grazing on tough wild grasses. As such, civilized equine dentistry involves a lot more rasps than the human version, regardless of the species of the dentist.

See here for more details about that particular Winter Wrap-Up.

And yeah, G1 Applejack totally killed a wizard one time. The Paleopony Period was weird.