John Sampson's Story

The feathers seem especially sweet this morning but that little voice is still there and can’t be denied, “Zero four hundred, John.”

Slide off the pad, stagger to the toilet, bounce to the kitchen, find tea, begin awareness.

“Good morning, Spike. Are you ready to witness mortal combat political style?”

“You and Twilight are going to be there so I must but it seems kinda strange to me.”

“The Blueblood coalition was getting right wealthy off Celestia’s bits. They think that being born noble entitles them to put a hand in the Royal Treasury. Then I came along and cut them off. As long as I’m here they’ll have to work for a living. The only way they can understand this is that I want the money, 'their money', for myself so they are defending themselves by destroying me. Make sense now?”

“No, but I can see the logic in it.”

“Spike, when their attack on me fails, they will attack my band next. That includes you Spike. If you are asked questions, always tell the absolute truth. Do not worry about how it makes me or Twilight look. We will take care of untwisting their lies and half truths.”

“I trust you, John. You have always treated me like a pony.”

Swift had walked in in the middle of that, “Do you think it will really get that bad?”

“I know it will because I’m not going to let them back out of anything. When they realize just what they’ve got themselves into, they will get desperate.”

Twilight joined the tea circle and we plotted our course for the day. We’ll have our normal informal breakfast then back here to change and on to the Throne Room.

The cafeteria was packed. I mean standing room only packed and about half of them had on full dress. There was one large table with empty seats and Steel was there. I told Swift to get me eggs and oatmeal while I talked to Steel.

“Steel, what the flying fuck are you up to here?”

Steel calmly replied, “I’ve been ordered to report for morning Court to possibly testify. You’re on your own with everypony else. I suspect some of them are friends of my clerk. She got excited after reading the orders for me to report. Others may be friends of Swift. I do know that none of them are on duty.”

“Dammit, Prince John wishes the Guard would keep their collective noses out of Royal affairs. John Sampson is tickled shitless and hopes certain noble houses take the hint.”

We ate and headed back to dress. I considered for a bit then put on my small sword.

In the Throne Room there were nine chairs in a row, in colors and with marks. The entire Royal Herd was represented in the same order as on my big sword. Shining, AJ, Swift, and Spike were set back and flanking their relative. But first there was a meeting in the conference room behind Celestia’s office.

Celestia was presiding, “Are there any questions?”

Cadance had one, “Why are we going to such extremes for a minor contract dispute?”

I took that one, “These are the ponies that were robbing Celestia blind until I uncovered their tricks. I cost them millions of bits. The very same ponies hired the assassins at the Spring Fling. They may turn this into a stallion challenge or just try to discredit me enough to get their graft back. My vote is for punishing them enough to keep them quiet for a couple of generations.”

Celestia added, “They are degenerated Noble Herds that believe an accident of birth entitles them to a free ride on the Royal Treasury. I’ve been trying to get them off my back for years.”

Cadance expanded, “So the contractor is a pawn. We’re after his boss?”

“Bingo.” “Or his boss’s boss.”

We kicked ideas around until it was time then we all took our seats and the doors opened. Ponies came in . . and in . . and in. The room was packed. About a quarter of the crowd to the right is ranks of Guard. And you can spot the Blueblood followers, they’re the ones looking at the Guard and moving left. It takes forty five minutes to get as many ponies packed in as possible and what I can see of the hall is just as packed.

There’s no sign of our contractor so we hear some other ponies that were originally scheduled before the complaint was filed. It’s routine and boring until my real estate case from yesterday shows up and they specifically want me to hear them.

“Your Majesty, when we left your Court yesterday, we were mad. You had treated us like children and ordered the destruction of valuable property. We were so mad at you, we forgot to be mad at each other for a little while. We ate dinner together and talked. And we realized how smart that idea of making rental camp out of it was. Not only that, we figured out why you treated us like you did. So now we want to drop our case and use that rental idea.”

I looked over, “Does the Recorder have the number and details of their case from yesterday?” I got a nod.

“The Order is amended to reflect that nothing will be changed on or about the property. A professional agent will be employed to manage the property, maintain it, and collect rents. Every quarter the agent will divide the net profits among the two owners and the agent. Are there any questions or changes?”

They looked at each other then back to me and nodded.

“Let the record reflect that both parties indicated assent. Let it be recorded and done.

“And thank you two. I predicted this outcome to Princess Luna last night and you made me look good.”

That shocked them but the house loved it.

We still didn’t have our contractor and we were out of other cases. Celestia looked ready to bail when a Guardpony rushed in and up to her. She listened for a minute then sent him down the row to me. A body has been found that fits the description of our contractor. Could I come and confirm the identity? I glanced at Celestia and she nodded. I told Swift what was going on and to pass the info up the line quietly.

The Guardpony led me out the main gate and several hundred yards down the road. In a small side ally behind some boxes was our contractor minus most of his blood. He was found because it was running down the alley from a gaping throat wound. My guess would be a guaranteed no noise kind of killing.

I told the Guard officer in charge that it was him and how important this investigation was to me and Celestia. Then I sprinted back to the Throne Room.

I nodded to Celestia as I walked in the door.

Celestia stood and, “This Court is ended.” And she was out the back door with all of us hot behind her.

I was in the familiar conference room reporting, “It is definitely him and definitely no accident. His throat and both arteries were severed with one clean slice. Nothing is missing and he’s just a few hundred yards from the main gate. My money is on somepony not liking what they see when they get here and deciding to cut their losses.”

There were lots of agreements with that.

Then I had a thought, “AJ, where’s the paperwork on that apple shipment? It takes a substantial facility to process that many apples and substantial money to run it. There has to be a name on all of that. And we may find more info about their ‘emergency’.”

AJ has the papers and the final delivery is by rail to Baltimare. Why are bells going off in my head? Oh,yeah!

“Mares and Stallions your attention please! I know that address. We can get copies of my analysis of the first grant request that I did to start this off but it’s going to show that address as one of the empty buildings that couldn’t be used by the crew building the new railroad. It’s a big shell next to the existing rail line and it’s listed as a ‘warehouse with light utilities’. Even if they move in the equipment, you can’t support a commercial kitchen on ‘light utilities’. It’s locally owned but Blueblood’s herd holds the lease.”

AJ is looking disturbed, “You mean they are just dumping my apples on the floor in an empty building?”

“Probably, yes. Have they paid for them yet?”

Now she’s really mad, “It hasn’t cleared the bank yet.”

Celestia spoke, “John, you have the authority. Go to the bank and trace the money. AJ has earned it and we need to know who is paying it.”

Our little war council broke up then but I had more on my mind.

“Shining, we need to talk privately. I have some interesting ideas for you.”

We detoured into an empty room on Ambassador’s Row. I closed my eyes and shifted into man-x.

When I opened my eyes, “I have four bodies now. Two human and two equine. This is the second human. I’m making small changes in it to make it battle ready. That’s the fun part. I can edit now. How do you like the eyes?”

“John, there are days you are just plain scary. Do they work as well as you hoped?

“Better. I need to practice with them because the depth perception is different. But what I’m after today is for my pony body. My original equine self is really Fred light. It’s all horse, not pony. I want to edit it enough to make a usable pony. As a horse I have full access to my magic and can do all the normal pony things, except talk. I need to talk. I tried using my human vocal cords and they worked but I still couldn’t talk. The sound came out my nose unmodulated by my mouth. I need a pony face. I need all the throat and tongue parts that make speech sounds. Ideally, I need a pony head to copy parts off of until I can get a voice.

“How do I fit into this?”

“I need a Unicorn to get anything into my head. And I want a stallion model so I don’t sound silly. That leaves you or Steel as the only two I would trust in my head right now. You’ve already been there so the risks are known to you. What it comes down to is can I please use your head as a model and would you put the pattern where I can get to it? I thought of just copying a pony body like I did Fred’d but I don’t want walk around as a counterfeit anypony. I want to build a unique me and I need help to do it.”

“This is a new idea to me. I don’t mind helping you and I trust you but I’m not sure I can do it.

“Well think on this, I don’t mind showing you anything I’m doing. If you learn how, it’s possible we could trade parts. You could take my horse body for a spin. I have no idea if you can use magic the way I do but I’m real sure it’s worth a try. We need to do it near here so help can be summoned if needed. We need some privacy and time. And I need to get this damned Blueblood problem from hanging over us.”

“We’re going to be here for a few days and staying with Twilight so we’ll have opportunities. And congratulations on the promotion. I hope it gets you what you want.”

“Thanks. It ‘disturbed’ Twilight but I think we’re back on course. You need to see my new sword. I may even wear it to talk to the bankers. It has a way of enforcing attention. Let’s go to the tower so I can show you.”

When we walked in the door, I unbuckled my small sword and put it on the rack. Then I put on the big one and modelled it for Shining.

“This is my Baby. I just like the way it feels.”

“Can you actually draw that?”

“Of course. In fact, one of the main reasons I want the eyes is so I can without endangering friends.”

I stepped off and dialed up my strength a little. A few passes later, “What do you think.?”

“I think you are damned scary with that monster. Ten of you could clear a battlefield.”

“That is inherent in my little plot. You could be holy terror number two.”

“What are my silly stallions doing playing with weapons in the home?” Cadance had noticed that we were in.

“I’m just showing Shining my new favorite toy.”

And we went up to the library to greet the band. There is a basic law of pony behavior, the time required to greet and welcome increases as the square of the number of ponies involved. It is one of the sweeter parts of being a pony.

We planned and considered and decided. Lunch at Smoky’s for everypony then Swift, Shining, and I would go to the bank. If we weren’t out of the bank in twenty minutes, Cadance, Twilight, AJ, and Spike would follow and we would create a Royal Scene in the bank.

We just got a whole pot of stew and bowls then went nuts on it sitting right in front of the window. A crowd gathered outside to watch the Royal Herd eating at Smoky’s.

Smoky came by to say hello, “Your Majesty. You can’t known how good it makes me feel to say that, Prince John. Finally, we have Royal Earth ponies. There are so many of us that look at you and feel like we are finally full blooded ponies. And then you come here just like the rest of us. I want to thank you for just being you.

“Smoky, I don’t know how to be anypony but me. You’d laugh yourself silly if you knew how often I screw up being a high level pony.”

“You save them stories for somepony that believes them, Your Majesty. I see the evidence all around you. I knew you were special the first day you came in here.”

Twilight is looking at me like I just grew three horns but we don’t have time right now. Swift and Spike confer and confirm the location of the bank. I have the invoice and draft info in my pocket. Shining, Swift, and I set off.

“Shining, if we get stuck long enough to need the mares, let me greet them first. I want to bitchslap the bankers with the whole alien Herd Stallion scenario. Don’t be surprised if I go for some arousing displays of affection. I want to bait them as much as we can. You and Swift look around and watch for emotional reactions. That was the first tip off with Blueblood.”

Swift entered the bank first and the greeter started her way with a smile. Then I stepped in and the smile froze as the greeter turned to a colleague. Shining walked in behind me and the greeter made a beeline for him.

“Prince Shining Armor, I’m so glad to see you. What brings you here today.”

Shining looked at her completely deadpan, “I’m just having lunch with His Majesty today and came along for the walk.”

The greeter was bubbly now, “Oh? We have more Royalty coming?”

Shining was enjoying himself, “Yes, but He’s already here. He’s the tall stallion standing right over there.”

A very disturbed greeter came over to me, “Could you please identify yourself, sir?”

Swift grabbed this one, “You are addressing His Highness John Sampson, Herd Stallion and Co-ruler to Princess Celestia.”

The greeter swallowed her shit sandwich and, “Forgive me Your Majesty. We were not notified.”

My turn, “You recognized Prince Shining Armor. Verify his identity.”

The greeter was back to bubbly, “There’s no need for that. We all know the Prince.”

I leaned over her a bit, “That was not a suggestion.”

So they brought out a big binder and flipped through the pages until they found Shining’s Cutie mark and it matched.

I spoke again, “Prince Shining, please state my full name and rank.”

Shining was grinning, “His Majesty Major John Sampson Royal Herd Stallion.”

I pulled my pants down enough to expose my cutie mark and looked directly at the greeter, “Record it.”

The greeter motioned and a clerk came rushing over with a pad and colored pencils. I stood there while she sketched.

I pulled a note out of my pocket and handed to the greeter, “Get me all available information on this account including a history from the last year.”

The greeter rushed to a back office and disappeared for a while. By the time she was back the sketch was done and I was officially identified with the bank.

“I’m sorry, sir, but there is no such account.”

That annoyed me. I took another note out of my pocket and handed it to the greeter, “Very well. I need the same information on this account.”

And I got the same result. So, “I need to see the president of this bank immediately.”

“I’m sorry, sir. Prince Blueblood is out of town.”

“Bring me the vice president.”

“Stuffed Shirt is out of town too.”

“Send a notification to the Castle when they return. Shining, Swift, let’s quit wasting time.”

I wanted to be out before the mares arrived. The second account I had inquired about was AJ’s farm account.

We met the mares about three blocks up. Doubling back, we located a small bakery and pushed two tables together outside.

“Twilight, I want you to take AJ to Ponyville near the bank branch. Don’t let them see you from the bank and don’t go in. AJ, I want you to withdraw a hundred bits from my Guard account and deposit it in your farm account. Be sure it’s the same account the payment for the apples is going into. Fill everything out just right and get receipts. Then bring it all back here. If anypony says there is no such account or gives any reason for the transaction to fail, do not argue. Just smile and return here. Got it?”

They both nodded and stepped out to the center of the patio and disappeared.

Cadance and Shining both turned on me. I explained, “They denied there was any such account as the one they paid for the apples with so I tried the other direction. The second account I asked about was the farm account AJ deposited their payment into. They said there was no such account as that either. If they lied to a direct question from a Royal on official business, we can raid the bank and seize all of their records. If they killed the accounts, including the account of a Royal Herd Member, they embezzled from a Royal and we can raid the bank and seize their records. I don’t want to tip them off if we can avoid it. I want a Company of Guard to descend on them like vengeance personified and keep the records from being damaged.

Spike had been taking all of this in, “Cool. I want to watch.”

In a few minutes Twilight and AJ reappeared. AJ walked somberly up to me and gave me one hundred bits.

“They said there was no such account as my farm account by number or by name.”

“How much was in it, AJ?”

“Counting the deposit for the apples, about three hundred and twenty thousand bits.”

“Twilight, take AJ and Spike. Cadance, take me, Shining, and Swift. Let’s all meet in Celestia’s conference room. And we were there.

I opened the door to very surprised Guardpony, “Get Celestia, Luna, Colonel Steel, and the Royal Treasurer here in three minutes.”

Celestia popped in while I was speaking, “What’s going on, John?”

“Blueblood’s bank just embezzled three hundred thousand bits from a Royal Herd Member as part of lying to a Royal Investigator to conceal evidence in a murder investigation. I think that entitles us to seize and examine his bank records.”

Luna popped in as I was taking a breath so I had to say it again.

Steel was there in a few minutes and the Treasurer right on his heals. I told the whole story in gruesome detail this time.

Celestia asked Shining, “Anything to add?”

Shining replied, “John told me to watch for emotional reactions while he gave them cause. Everypony in that bank wants to kill him. Some of them reached in drawers when his back was turned. He said he wanted to go back in with a Company and I agree with him.”

Celestia looked at Swift, “How about you?”

Swift replied, “What he said, exactly.”

Steel’s turn, “When three experienced officers agree, I damned well better believe them. We’ll need some major magic help too. Expect trap spells everywhere.”

Celestia turned to the poor Treasurer, “Don’t worry about the military parts. The building will be safe before you get near it. Can you run the country if they destroy all records? How hard will it be to change to another depository?”

“We have duplicate records and so do they. There are enough other banks to cover operating expenses with no more than few days delay. A full orderly changeover will take months.”

Celestia asked, “Pros and cons?”

I said, “If we can get their records and analyze them or turn a bookkeeper, we can get their entire organization and end corruption for a generation.”

Luna said, “If they be not dragging our resources down, our ponies be much happier but can we prevent the destruction of all they hold hostage?”

Cadance said, “The Crystal Empire is insulated from any damage they do. We can help with any recovery.”

Twilight said, “We can keep ponies safe from their traps but keeping records whole will be much tougher. They will be shielded and self destructing.”

Swift said, “They think they can rob and kill with impunity. I need to do something about that.”

AJ said, “I want my money and their hide.”

Celestia reassured AJ, “I will cover all of your losses and then some in return for letting us use your account to prosecute them.”

I had one last question, “When?”