John Sampson's Story

“Celestia, John here.”

“How are we feeling, John?”

“I’m wondering how many friends I have left. Bud is still getting over the shock of discovering that her goddess is a pony.”

“You have a lot of friends left, John. Did you notice the throne on your way in?”

“Yes I did. Purple? Does that mean what I think it means?”

“If you think it means that Twilight is holding Court today while I coddle you, you are correct. She has grown a lot since the last time you spoke to her.”

“Has she figured out stallions yet?”

“Not as well as We would like but she is learning. Why would it matter to you anyway? Afraid of the competition?” That came with a patented Celestia ‘Gotcha Grin’.

“Nah. You mares are just jealous. After forty years as a stallion I know far more about how to make one happy than you ever will.

“Oh! Celestia, could you do us a big favor, please? Send somepony to the farm and let everypony know that Bud is on a special assignment for you and check on Fred while they are there.”

“I will do that but you can put your mind at ease about Fred right now. He hasn’t needed your help for a lot of years now. Luna has been monitoring him regularly.”

“Really? Luna is taking an interest in Fred?”

“Yes, In fact, Fred is the only stallion that she’s had any interest in for a long time now.”

“Oh my. Does Luna like her stallions big?”

“We all do, John. Alicorns are bigger and stronger than other ponies. We need somepony that won’t break.”

“Oh Celestia. I can smell the smoke from Bud’s side of our brain. She’s had almost a day to adjust to having a Goddess as a personal friend and here we are adding one to the band!”

“Let’s get to work, John. Give me a strong memory.”

“I know just the one. We’ll call this ‘the shower scene’.”

There was exactly one community shower in the barracks because that is just how the military does it throughout the universes. I used it just like everyone else but I tried to pick times when no pony wanted to use it because I had to modify things a little to accommodate my vertical orientation.

There was no door on it so there wasn’t much about me that was a mystery to any of the ponies but they seemed to prefer a little distance. I had heard a few mutterings about humans being in a permanent state of heat and ‘don’t turn your back on him’. The target of most of those was the youngest of the ponies. I never found out what his name was because everypony just called him ‘Colt’. He had a light charcoal colored coat with a blond and red striped mane and tail. His talent was getting into places without magic or wings. He could climb and jump in ways amazing for an Earth pony.

I sitting in the common area one afternoon having just sent off a learned professor of herd psychology. I had given him an earful of Terran equine herd dynamics so he could write the definitive paper on the influence of magic on Equestrian herd psychology. There was a commotion outside and Colt came running through the door in a serious state of panic. “Where are the Unicorns? I need a Unicorn!”

I explained to him that all of the Unicorns had gone to town for some Unicorn community thing and wouldn’t be back until dark. That made things worse. Then the smell hit me. I knew that smell.

I whipped out the command voice “STOP!” It worked. “Where did you get that smell?”

Colt moaned, “It was horrible. The monster laid a spell on me!”

Trying not to giggle I asked, “Was this monster short, kinda round, and black with white stripe running down its back and long bushy tail?” We were beginning to draw a crowd.

Colt looking at like I’d just grown a horn, “You know this monster?”

The other soldiers were beginning to gently drift out the door so I fired up the command voice again. “NO PONY LEAVES. I need a small bucket of baking soda right now.”

Military reflex is fun to watch. “We don’t have any here, sir”

“You have wings don’t you? Who do you know that does tons of baking right up the road? Now Go Get It!.”

Swift has this squad well trained. The two Pegusi went out the door high and low in full flight.

“Colt! Bring your butt in the shower and try not to touch anything.”

I pulled my shorts and t-shirt off and dropped them at the door. Turning on the cold water I began to lather poor Colt up. “The name of that monster is ‘Skunk’. Whatever you do, never, ever look under his tail. That’s where the evil smell originates. Now where did he get you?”

He got me square on my right side, sir. But I tried to roll and rub it off.”

“And that just spread it.”

“Yes, sir.”

By then a couple of his buddies had braved the smell and entered the shower. I told them, “Stay back out of splash range. This stuff comes off of skin a lot easier than it comes out of fur. I’ll scrub him down.” That generated two world class looks of relief.

I’d just got him soaped up good for the second time when a Pegasus came flying in (literally) with a small pail. The baking soda! As I took it he said, “Fly Boy is coming with a much bigger bucket. I came ahead with a small one to get back ASAP.”

The big bucket got there before the little bucket ran out and I settled into a lather, soda, rinse and repeat cycle. Everypony else got comfortable in the common room and waited for the results.

I noticed that Colt was shaking. “I guess we have most of it off by now. I can warm the water up a little if you are cold.”

“I’m not cold, sir.”

“Then why are you shaking, Colt?”

“I’m frightened, sir.”

“Of the smell? It’s not permanent. Of discipline? Learning about woods critters the hard way is part of being a city boy in the country. There’s no chance you’ll ever make this mistake again.”

“No, sir. I’m afraid of you.”

“Why on Equestria would you have any reason to fear me?” I’m really puzzled now.

“Are you going to mount me, sir?”

“What blazing pit of hell did you drag that idea out of?”

“They said that humans are always in heat and will screw anything they can catch and you have me pretty much caught right now, sir.”

“Let me guess. ‘They’ are all mares.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Child, the stallion portion of your education is seriously lacking. I’m going to let you in on some small secrets. First, mares will always try to play with your mind. You have something they want, something they can’t live without. So they want to keep you bluffed and under control. Don’t fall for it. Play with the fun ones, love the good ones, and ignore the rest.”

“But sir, you walk around half erect all the time so you can be ready to go instantly.”

“That’s what these mares believe?”

“That’s what everypony believes, sir. You did say yourself that humans are always in heat.”

“Colt, how many times have you come in heat?”

“Stallions don’t have heats, sir.”

“Neither do men.”

“Oh . . . . sir.”

“And now I’m going to let you in on a human secret. Humans don’t have retractor muscles. At all. That means humans don’t have a sheath either. This is my normal not erect state. It’s another side effect of the vertical lifestyle like nipples on the chest.”

“You mean that humans don’t rape their mares?”

“A few do. There are bad humans just like there are bad ponies. The important part is they are few and far between. Most humans fall in love, get married, and raise families just like most ponies.”

“I’m sorry, sir”

“For what? Letting some old biddy mares fool you? Don’t worry about that. Let’s get dried off and see if we can live with ourselves.”

It has always fascinated me how Earth ponies can do ordinary things so well without hands or magic of any kind (maybe it’s a hidden kind of magic). Colt just grabbed a towel off the shelf with his mouth and tossed it to me then grabbed another one and threw it over his back. A quick roll and rub later he’s dry and I’m still working on the awkward spots.

“Hey, Colt. I’ve got a plan. You wanna ‘educate’ some mares?”

“Whatever you say, sir.”

“Are they in the common room right now?”

“Some of them, sir.”

“Okay. Let’s go get something to eat and you sit down as close as you can to them while leaving a place across the table for me. I’ll do the work, you just nod your head and have normal conversation with me.”

I grabbed my shorts and shirt as we went out the door and crossed to my room to throw them in. Then I lined up behind Colt at the food lockers. Putting fruit, bread, and some cheese on a plate I watched him settle at a table right in the middle of a gang of mares. I walked up to the chair opposite him and asked, “Mind if I sit here?”

“Not at all, sir.”

“You know that you don’t have to ‘sir’ me? I suspect that after a two and half year absence, I can be considered at least retired.”

“Sir, some officers demand it. You deserve it. So I’m going to continue to use it unless you order me otherwise.”

Smart boy. “Thank you, Colt. I’ll try to earn that respect. I do kinda wish you hadn’t figured it out though. Now I have a problem.”

About then Swift Trail landed in the seat next to mine, “John, what have you done to my squad?”

“We had a small crisis. Colt here found out why you never look under the skunk’s tail and the Unicorns haven’t got back from town yet.”

“I believe that much because I can still smell it.”

“Well I couldn’t just sit around and watch Earth ponies try deal with it when I had two perfectly functional hands so I organized a cleanup. You understand that Terra has skunks and no magic too.”

“And I guess that’s why I just thanked Granny Smith for the emergency loan of a bucket of baking soda?”

“What can I say? Everypony was running around looking for help so the old training just kicked in and I handled it.”

“You still haven’t explained why you never told me that you were an officer.”

“That’s a different service and different universe away. The habits don’t make a chain of command. But it’s probably better that way. I just found out that some unknown soldier or soldiers has been using me for a boogie man. If I were in the chain of command and found out that a service member was disrespecting a superior officer like that I might have to take action for the good of the service.”

“Only if I didn’t beat you to it.” Swift Trail slowly surveyed the room. Several mares suddenly found absolutely anything else interesting.

“I also discovered that a lesson in comparative anatomy is needed. It’s a little bit vulgar so I’m not going rub anypony’s nose in it, I’m just going to lay it on the table for anypony that might benefit from it.”

I stood up and stretched as big and wide as I could while turning slowly around. “Everybody take a good hard look. This is me, a normal male human. You know what you don’t see? A sheath. A sheath isn’t compatible with a vertical spine. So just hanging is my normal state. That’s why I wear pants any time I go outside. I can’t retract my penis.”

I walked calmly over to my room past some thoughtful looks and grins. The same three mares were positively radiating ‘NOT ME’. After putting on my shorts and shirt I went out the main door and headed towards the pasture for Fred and some serious introspection on how a small misunderstanding can have big consequences.