Chapters Spike Gives Twilight 'The Talk'
The Birds, the Bees and Weak at the Knees
"What a glorious day!"
Twilight, along with her closest friend, confidant and general factotum, Spike, was out enjoying a morning walk amidst all the splendour that Spring had to offer. The daffodils were yellow, the blossom was pink, and the grass was green - so no change there then. It was a warm, sunny, delightful day, and all of nature seemed to be out and about making the most of it.
As they meandered at a suitably languid pace through Windigo Wood, they came upon a narrow, ancient bridge over a babbling beck, the sound of which the two of them found to be most pleasant. They paused for a while, watching the fish swimming lazily beneath them, the squirrels leaping from branch to swaying branch, and a pair of white rabbits cavorted playfully on the patch of bare earth by the water's edge.
In fact, they seemed to be having a rather more 'playful' time than Spike had at first realised, and he glanced away, blushing at their lapine shamelessness, instead choosing to focus his attention on the gentle swaying of the trees which stretched off into the distance in every direction.
But Twilight, to Spike's surprise, continued watching the lustful rabbits, merely smiling in an absentminded, mildly confused sort of way. "I wonder why they're doing that?" she murmured. "It doesn't look very comfortable."
Raising an eyebrow questioningly, in a manner which even Applejack would have been forced to admit was exemplary, Spike coughed self-consciously. "Hmm! Yes, well. . . perhaps we'd better leave them to it?"
Frowning uncertainly, Twilight seemed not to hear him, instead cocking her head to the side and gazing in undisguised confusion and curiosity at the wanton display of feckless licentiousness being performed a few feet in front of her.
Spike, beginning to feel a little confused himself now, though at Twilight's reactions to the scene rather than the actions of the rabbits themselves, coughed again. "Hmm! Twilight? Shall we carry on walking?"
"Eh? What?" Twilight, still engrossed in watching the lascivious rabbits, seemed hardly to have heard him.
The dragon was starting to feel thoroughly confused now, and more than a little concerned. "Twilight, are you alright?" he asked. "Are you sure you wouldn't rather continue our walk? It would probably be more. . . polite if we left them to it."
"What? I mean, if you like. But why? They're only playing - though it does look rather uncomfortable, and they're making such odd noises. . ."
Wincing as his ears picked up the breathless, eager panting sounds emanating from beneath the bridge, Spike implored, "Please, Twilight! Let's just - let's just leave, alright?"
Finally, the Princess stepped away from the parapet of the bridge and, with one last look at the indecent actions of the two other creatures present, rejoined Spike, whose face wore an expression of immeasurable relief.
This relief was short-lived, however, as Twilight next words confirmed his worst suspicions about her apparent lack of understanding. "I wonder what they were doing? I've seen it somewhere before - I wonder where? Oh! I know," she announced, evidently quite pleased with her phenomenal powers of recall, "I saw my parents doing something which looked just like that when I was a filly - and they were making all the same noises, too!"
Pleased to have cleared that mystery up, Twilight entirely failed to notice the growing look of horror which was spreading across Spike's face. It was some moments before he could bring himself to speak, and when he finally managed to, his words came out as nothing more than a slight rasping sound. "Wh-what. . ?" he scratched, before clearing his throat again. "What ?"
"What d'you mean, Spike? What what?" Twilight chuckled merrily at her own half-pun.
"Do you mean to tell me," Spike continued, speaking very slowly as though asking a particularly slow eight year old for their take on the current political climate and what it might mean for Equestrian/Yak relations, "Do you mean to say that you have no idea what those rabbits were doing?"
Twilight looked worried. "I thought - I thought they were playing," she stammered. "Weren't they?"
Spike facepalmed painfully. Oh, for Celestia's sake! he thought, before running both hands through his spines in a subconscious attempt to get a grasp on the situation. "They weren't playing , Twilight," he told her.
"Oh. . ." Twilight glanced away into the trees as though searching for inspiration. "What were they doing, then?"
Spike took a deep breath. He someday hoped to have children of his own, if he ever met a suitable female dragon - female dragons being few and far between, especially this far from the border with their native country, Spike was well aware that it might be a long time before such an opportunity rose, but as dragons live for many hundreds of years, he was prepared to wait - and knew full well that, eventually, he'd probably have to have 'the Talk' with them. But never, in his wildest dreams (nightmares?), had he expected to have to give the Talk to Twilight , of all ponies. Twilight, who had such an encyclopaedic knowledge of almost everything!
With these thoughts rushing through his mind, Spike sighed heavily. It looked like it was up to him to fill this gap in Twilight's understanding, a gap which should have been filled a long time ago. "You see," he began, before trailing off again. No - there's a better way of explaining this .
"Do you know where foals come from, Twilight?" he asked, almost nonchalantly.
The Princess seemed relieved to be given a question she could answer; "Oh, yes!" she replied eagerly. "They grow them in hospitals, and when a mare and a stallion want one, they go to the hospital to get one! I don't know how much they cost, though," she added as an afterthought.
Spike facepalmed again; he'd hadn't realised it was quite this bad. "I'm afraid that's not quite right," he announced. It looked like he was going to have to start with the basics.
He took another deep breath. "You know, Twilight, what the difference is between a mare and stallion, don't you?"
Twilight nodded again. "Yup! A mare is smaller and has filly parts, while a stallion is larger and has colt parts!"
She's still using the foalish names for them! Spike exclaimed internally. Outwardly, however, he just smiled encouragingly. "Yes, that's right. And do you know what those parts are for?"
Twilight frowned in thought; this was evidently something which had never occurred to her to ask before. "Well, those parts of a pony are for the passing of urine. Aren't they?" she added, as though cognisant that there was probably something else going on that she was about to made aware of.
"Yes , that's part of it," Spike acknowledged. "But do you know why mares and stallions have different types of. . . private parts?" he inquired.
"Er. . . not really," Twilight admitted.
"Right." Spike wasn't quite sure how best to proceed, but decided that at the very least he must teach Twilight the proper names for what they were discussing. "Firstly, they're not called 'filly parts' and 'colt parts'. On a mare, what's visible on the outside is called her 'vulva', which leads to her 'vagina'" - Spike felt intensely uncomfortable now - "And on a stallion the main visible part is the 'penis'. Have you heard those terms before?"
Twilight scrunched up her muzzle, trying to recall whether or not she had heard these strange new words previously. "I don't think so," she replied at last.
Ye gads! Spike thought. Doesn't she know any of this ? "Are you sure you've not read them before? In a book, maybe?" he prompted.
Twilight shook her head. "I'm quite sure."
Still wondering how she might have missed this vital information, Spike puzzled for a moment. Then he remembered that for many years Twilight's sole tutor had been Celestia, who was there primarily to teach magic, and so perhaps the private anatomy of ponies was not something that had ever come up in conversation.
"Okay," he continued, "I think we're getting somewhere."
He paused again, considering. "You're probably wondering how all of this relates to where foals come from."
He waited for Twilight to nod in agreement, then continued. "Well, I'm afraid it isn't as simple as just going to the hospital and buying a new filly or colt. You can't just get one on the market, or anything like that. Have you never wondered why foals tend to look a lot like their parents?"
"I thought it was just because they'd chosen the filly or colt that looked most like them. . ." Twilight murmured, her voiced trailing off as she realised how absurd that sounded.
"Well, I'm afraid it's not quite like that. You see," Spike swallowed, "A foal looks like his or her parents because it's made from genetic information contained within the mare and the stallion."
He paused, allowing time for this to sink in. When Twilight nodded, half-understandingly, he carried on. "When all the information is there, a foal grows inside the mare, until it's old enough to be born."
"WHAT?" Twilight's astonished shout rang out across the forest, scaring the squirrels back to their dreys, the foxes to their earths, and setting the rooks in the trees above wheeling and cawing angrily over the treetops. "A foal can't grow inside a mare, that's crazy!"
Oh boy , though Spike, beginning to regret taking this subject on - perhaps he should've left it to somepony with more experience. "I know it sounds impossible," he reassured her, "But trust me, it's true."
"But, but -"
As the newly enlightened mare seemed to be in great danger of hyperventilating, Spike made an attempt to calm her down. "Hey, it's alright, Twi," she said calmly, "It's perfectly natural. It happens to all ponies, and most other mammals too. It's what ponies mean when they talk about being 'pregnant'."
Twilight shut her eyes, and Spike could see she was counting silently to ten. After a moment, and with her breathing returning to normal again, she asked the question which Spike had been dreading. "But how," she wondered, "How does the foal get - how does it start growing inside the mare?"
"In other words, how does a mare get pregnant?" Spike paraphrased, playing for time.
Hurriedly, he ran through all of the possible ways of getting out of having to answer this most intimate of questions. He could run away - but Twilight would just teleport him back. He could pretend to have a heart attack. He could have a real heart attack - or maybe he could somehow just change the subject and hope she never, ever asked him to explain any of this to her ever again?
But in his heart Spike knew these options weren't plausible, especially the change-the-subject idea: Twilight could be jolly stubborn if she wanted the answer to something. So he took a deep breath, gritted his teeth, and said, "Well - you know the private parts I was telling you about before?"
"The vulva, the vagina and the penis?" Twilight asked, seemingly totally at ease with these terms as though this conversation were about nothing more demanding than whether or not doughnuts should have hundreds-and-thousands on them or not.
"Er - yes, that's right." Spike was beginning to feel very uncomfortable round about now. "Well - to make a foal, there must information from both parents, the stallion as well as the mare. So for a mare to become pregnant - to conceive ," he explained, "The stallion must transfer some of his genetic information to the mare."
Twilight nodded; so far this all seemed fairly understandable. "And how does he do that?" she asked innocently.
Spike gulped. "Well - you see - the stallion has to - he has to put his penis inside the vagina of the mare."
Twilight stopped dead, her eyes open wide. "But that's where the pee comes out !" she exclaimed. "Eww!"
Despite his discomfort, Spike couldn't help but feel amused at his friend's naïveté. "It's not just pee that can come out of the stallion's - er - penis," he added hastily. "There's another - er - liquid as well, which can come out of. . . there."
Still with a comically horrified expression on her face, Twilight stared at him silently; hurriedly, Spike continued, "This other liquid is called - hmm! - 'semen'. And it contains all the information from the stallion necessary to make a foal."
Her mind evidently still reeling from this influx of astounding knowledge, the Princess stammered, "B-but why? W-why would anypony do that?"
"Well, there are two reasons, really," Spike told her. "The obvious reason is to - er - to make a foal."
"And what's the other reason?"
Never in his life had Spike felt so supremely uncomfortable; trying to explain the whys and wherefores of sex to a pony who was, for all intents and purposes, a sister to him, whilst all the while attempting to hide his own member, which was hardening rapidly in response to the 'stimulating' conversation, was far and away the most difficult thing he had ever had to do. "Well," - he hesitated - "The other reason is that it - it feels pretty good. Very good, in fact."
Twilight frowned. "Wait - so you're telling me that having a stallion's penis inside her vagina feels good for a mare?"
"Yup," Spike answered briefly, "That's about the size of it."
His impromptu student glanced away into the middle distance, as though struggling to process and store this new information. "You say it feels good," she said at last. "How good?"
Sweet mother of Luna! Spike groaned to himself. "Well," he hastened to explain, "I'm not a mare, so I can't answer for mares directly. But for a stallion it's the best feeling ever, and I think it's the same for mares. Y'know," he added, "If you do it right."
"But - but then, why don't ponies do it all the time?"
Spiked blushed at the thought of ponies engaging in wanton sex on the streets of Ponyville. "Well, it's a very, very private thing to do. Ponies only have sex - that's what it's called - when they know each other very well indeed, and they love each other. In a romantic way," he added quickly, lest she start suggesting anything problematic.
"Oh. . ."
Spike sighed, relieved at the temporary respite as Twilight digested this latest snippet of information. He looked around at the trees around him, and felt intensely thankful that this conversation had occurred in a lonely, remote part of the countryside surrounding Ponyville, rather than in the village itself - the conversation was awkward enough as it was, without other ponies listening in!
Twilight still said nothing, and Spike felt he'd better explain one last, vital point to her. "You do understand, don't you Twilight, that everything I've just told you is very private? You should never ask anypony about any of this, especially as you're still rather a. . . rather a novice , at this sort of thing."
Twilight nodded, the unfocussed look in her eye making Spike wonder what she was thinking about. By now the two of them were approaching the edge of the wood, and the industrious, friendly sounds of a market town in springtime could be heard floating towards them on the gentle breeze.
As they left the forest, blinking rapidly as their eyes accustomed to the dramatic increase in light levels now that the trees were no longer shielding them from the majority of the sunlight, Twilight finally seemed to have collected her thoughts enough to ask one, last question - a question which set Spike's spines on edge: "So if you need two ponies, a mare and a stallion, to get that good feeling," she queried, "Why do I sometimes see you stroking your colt parts - sorry, I mean penis - with your claws?"
And then, Spike fainted.
Author's Note
Just a daft one-shot that occurred to me over breakfast! Twilight seems so. . . 'innocent', in a lot of ways, that this sort of conversation probably did occur at some point (poor Spike!).
EDIT: Spike Gives Twilight 'The Talk' now has a clopfic spin-off! Spike Shows Twilight the basics
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Spike Gives Twilight 'The Talk'
And They Facehooved Into the Night, OR: "It's Like This," said Luna
Princess Celestia, tired out after a long day, yawned widely. It was almost time for the lowering of the sun, and she was standing ready in waiting for the big moment with her sister, Princess Luna, on one of the high balconies which surrounded the upper towers of their royal castle in Canterlot.
With the sparkling white spires of the city laid out below them, the paling evening sky above, and with the distant peal of bells tolling the knell of parting day, Celestia breathed deeply, relishing the final warmth of the blazing star, so many millions of miles away, that gave her not only her name, but also her cutie mark and, most importantly, her exalted position in Equestrian society.
It was due to her innate and unique skill in raising and lowering the sun, alone and unaided, which had first brought her - and her sister Luna likewise, with the raising and lowering of the moon - to Starswirl the Bearded's attention, nearly twelve-hundred years ago. Tired of having to coordinate teams of regular unicorns, who wore out usually after only a single day, he was relieved to have finally found ponies who, after a little training, could reliably perform these duties alone, day after day, without ever tiring out. And so he had conferred on them the gift - or curse - of eternal, unending life, and tasked them with the duty of not only keeping charge over the heavenly bodies, but also with the rulership of Equestria: No mean feat indeed.
Perhaps it was partly out of loneliness without her sister by her side - who knows? That's certainly what Celestia always insisted, whenever anypony asked her to give a reason for the creation of her School for Gifted Unicorns. But there were some ponies - Luna herself among them - who were instead convinced that Celestia was searching for a replacement, that she might someday retire from public duty, and live a more normal life.
And so - and this is really the crux of the matter - her school focussed entirely on the teaching of magic, and left the more mundane elements of life to the students' own desire to learn them. No Maths, Physics or Languages in her school!
Despite this. . . 'patchy' curriculum, however, Celestia was certain she had done an admirable thing in setting up her school. For how else, to be sure, should the world have ever found out about the Princesses Twilight and Cadance?
All of these thoughts flashed through her mind in the blink of an eye, the merest millisecond, after reading the opening paragraph of the letter which had suddenly poofed into existence before her, making Luna jump. With almost half an hour to go before the setting of the sun, she had ample time to read through it, and did so:
Dear Princess Celestia [she read],
Twilight seems to have no idea how sex works - [this caught the Princess' eye immediately] - and I have been forced to explain it all to her myself. This was. . . embarrassing, to say the least, and the aftermath even more so! As you were her teacher for a long time, might I ask why she never learnt about sexual relations whilst at the School?
Spike
After reading this confusing letter through a couple of times, Celestia passed it to Luna, who had been watching her sister read with one eyebrow cocked in curiosity. As Luna read the short missive her inquisitiveness turned first to concern, and then to confusion; "Did you never teach Twilight about any of this, 'Tia? Or any of your other students, for that matter?"
Celestia coughed, uncomfortably. "Well," she began, "We sort of - sort of just focussed on magic. Y'know, because it's a - a school of - of magic ," she stressed, as though this last point should've been obvious.
"Yes, I know that," Luna admitted patiently, "But surely you're not just teaching your students only about magic? They'll have to go out into the world someday, find husbands and wives, make families of their own! They spend such a lot of their time here their parents probably don't get chance to give 'the Talk' to most of them. So maybe you should."
The Princess of the Sun swallowed. "You mean," she inquired, "The talk about - about how to get a job?"
"A job? You mean a careers lecture? No, I don't mean that," Luna hastened to correct her sister. "I mean - y'know, the talk all parents give their foals. About - well, about you know what ."
Celestia 'ohhed' and 'ahhed' in faux understanding. Then she shook her head. "I'm afraid I'm not quite sure what you mean, Luna dear."
Luna gasped in exasperation. After a thousand years on the moon she was still getting used to modern pony society, and in her day one simply didn't use the 'S' word. But it seemed she would have to stoop to the everyday pony's level, if she was ever to break through to her sister. "Oh, come on, Celly! You know - the talk about S-E-X."
"Oh! Oh right, that talk. . ." Celestia was nodding again, eyes open wide. "Yes, that talk. I see. Right. Sex ."
"Yes, that's it," Luna murmured, glad to have finally got through to Celestia. "It sounds like Spike has had to take your place in having the Talk with Twilight, and I can't imagine she's alone in her oblivion. So perhaps, for the sake of other ponies - or dragons - you should start, y'know, explaining it to them. To your students."
Her elder sister's face contorted in confusion again as she tried vainly to understand. "Tell it to them. . ." she muttered. There was pause. Then: "Luna - what is it ?"
Now it was Luna's turn to be thrown off balance. "What d'you mean, 'what is it'?"
"I mean," Celestia explained, "I mean - well, I mean - it's just that - well, you see, I don't - I don't. . ."
She trailed off, looking rather embarrassed; Luna gently rubbed her back, reassuring her, "It's alright, take your time. We're not in a hurry."
Celestia stared at the floor of the balcony below them, drawing comfort from the perfectly white, pristine surface. So like herself. . . If she were a kind of - a kind of stone, Celestia thought she'd quite like to be whatever sort of stone the balcony was made of.
Almost two minutes went by, with Celestia thinking, unblinkingly, these pleasant thoughts. Eventually, realising that nothing was likely to happen if she didn't prod her sister out of her daze, Luna took the Princess' shoulder and shook her gently from side to side. "Luna to 'Tia, Luna to 'Tia - are you receiving?"
With a start, Celestia returned to the land of the living. "Oh! Sorry, Luna, I was just thinking about rocks. . ."
Luna rolled her eyes. "I see. Have you thought about what we were talking about? Y'know, like, five minutes ago?"
"What? Oh, that!" the realisation shone brightly in Celestia's eyes as she remembered suddenly where she was, who she was, and what she was supposed to be talking about. Immediately, the bashfulness returned. "Well, the problem is," she began confidently, determined not to let her uncertainty show again, "I've never really - I don't quite know what - you see, the problem is - I - I don't know what sex is !" she announced at last, in such strident tones that several members of the palace guard, stationed in the courtyard eight storeys below, glanced up concernedly in their direction.
Luna facehooved, sighing in resignation. As unbelievable as it might seem to other ponies, who perhaps knew her sister less well, she had always, in the deepest, darkest recesses of her mind, feared that this day would come. It had always felt inevitable, in their youth, that it would someday be she, Luna, who had to explain everything of a carnal nature to Celestia - their parents weren't around, and Starswirl was certainly never going to take one for the team! Luna had held out a vain, forlorn hope that, over the interceding millennium, her sister might have - oh, maybe read a book? It seemed that she, Luna, just as Spike had before her, would be forced to give 'the Talk' to an older sibling.
She took a deep, steadying breath, letting it out slowly. "Right. Let me explain. Sex," she began, wincing internally at having to use the dreaded 'S' word, "Is the process by which most creatures, including ponies, reproduce. You do know what 'reproduce' means, don't you?" she checked.
Celestia nodded, for all the world like an eager schoolgirl, willing to learn something new and exciting. Luna continued. "Good. Well, you know how a mare has -" Again, she shuddered at the thought of all the words she was about to have to use. "A mare has a vagina . You're aware of that, aren't you?"
She paused, giving Celestia time to respond, and she nodded again, seeming somewhat surprised that Luna should think she might not know that already. "Of course I know that . A mare as a vagina, and a stallion has a penis."
Luna swallowed uncomfortably. "Yes, that's right, a - penis . Very good. . . Well," she shook herself together, "When a mummy and a daddy pony love each very much, they do something very special. Together."
The Princess of the Night's words faded into silence, as she pondered how to phrase the next, most awkward part; Celestia was still watching her with rapt attention, so she could hardly back out now. I empathise with you, Spike! she thought to herself, before carrying on. "When a stallion and a mare love each other very, very much - in a romantic way," she amended hastily, much as Spike had just a few days before when holding this same conversation with Twilight, "They do something called 'having sex'. It's a special, private thing they only do with each other, and it shows how much they love each other."
Again, she fell silent, and in the pause that followed Celestia eagerly asked, "So. . . what do they do , exactly?"
Luna sighed: It was now or never. "It's quite simple, really," she explained, trying to keep her tone as light as possible, "When they're ready to have sex the stallion's penis becomes hard, and he puts it - puts it inside the mare's vagina."
Listening not to what she was saying, but only to the way she said it, an outsider could be forgiven for assuming she was talking about something as mundane as the best way to sellotape a parcel, which was the effect she had been aiming for. And to an extent her plan seemed to have worked - Celestia was nodding thoughtfully, her mind evidently considering this piece of information carefully. Eventually she spoke, asking, "And most adult ponies know this, do they?"
"Yes," Luna smiled, "I'm pretty sure most adult ponies are aware of this."
"I see. . ." Celestia thought again for a moment. "And do they do this, this sex thing, often?"
Luna blushed. "Well, that's a very personal question. Some couples might do it several times a week, or even every day, and some might have sex only once a month, or something. But I think most couples have sex once or twice a week."
She was beginning to feel less uncomfortable, now, with using such intimate vocabulary; the fact that Celestia was being so matter-of-fact about all of this, and was obviously treating this as she would any other lesson (with the notable different that here she was the student, not the teacher), helped to make the odd situation feel almost normal, as though it were a perfectly average occurrence for one thousand-year-old demigod to explain the technical aspects of pleasure-based copulation to another thousand year old demigod.
Celestia's next question, however, rather threw this trend out of whack. "So," she asked curiously after a moment's thought, "How often do you have sex?"
If Luna had had a mouthful of water it would've been sprayed unceremoniously over the heads of the guards below. "Ah! Well, that's rather a personal question!" she explained, hastily.
"Oh. . . why?"
It never ceases to amaze me , Luna thought to herself, Just how naïve 'Tia can be at times. Out loud, she continued, "Well, sex is a very private thing for a couple to do. It can be a very embarrassing topic to discuss, normally. And now ," the muttered to herself. "It's not usually considered polite to ask a pony how often he or she has sex."
"Ah, I see." The Eternal Princess of the Sun fell silent again, pondering this latest piece of information. After a minute or two, during which blissful, tranquil silence reigned supreme, she inquired, "You say that sex is when a stallion puts his hard penis inside a mare's vagina?"
Luna nodded.
"And sex is always a very private thing?"
The Princess of the Night nodded again, wondering where this was going - and she didn't have long to wait.
"So why is it," Celestia posed thoughtfully, "If sex is a private act, that I sometimes see you reading magazines with pictures of ponies having sex in them?"
Luna blanched. It was going to be a long, awkward night.
Shit.
Author's Note
Oh, 'Tia. You're such a troll.
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Spike Gives Twilight 'The Talk'
Ponish Whispers at Twilight's Expense, OR: That's What She Said!
"What!?"
Spike winced as Pinkie Pie's stentorian expression of disbelief struck his eardrums. "I know, right? How naïve can you get!"
The party pony sank weakly into the chair opposite his. Spike was sat, tuck away in a secluded booth, in Sugarcube Corner, having fled there as soon as possible following his recent, and intensely awkward, conversation with Twilight. Originally intending to keep the entire episode to himself, it hadn't taken long before Pinkie had wheedled the story out of him.
And how gratifying her reaction was! "B-but," she stammered, "But Twilight knows everything !"
Spike nodded. "I know - weird, isn't it? I reckon Celestia was too embarrassed to teach her. Just think, there could be hundreds of gifted unicorns out there, none of them with any idea what's going on. . . down there ."
"And you had to teach her everything?" Pinkie Pie was still having difficulty grasping the level of ineptitude shown by the absent alicorn.
"Yup! Even had to teach her all the proper names, and all that sort of thing. She was still calling them 'filly parts', can you believe! In a non-ironic way," he amended hastily, as Pinkie seemed about to object.
The pink pony raised an eyebrow. "Wow. That's. . . wow. Oh, I know!" she exclaimed suddenly, pronking seven feet into the air, apparently having been struck by a plan so incredibly awesome that it couldn't possibly be explained whilst seated, "I'll throw Twilight a 'Congratulations on having finally completed sex-ed' party!"
For the umpteenth time that day, Spike facepalmed. "That's a lovely thought, Pinkie, really it is," he reassured her, not wanting to put too much of a damper on her infectious enthusiasm, "But I'm quite sure Twilight's going to realise pretty soon just how weird it is to have to be taught that sort of thing by a much younger dragon - especially one whom she sees as her adopted brother."
"Hmm." Pinkie Pie considered this point carefully, turning it over thoroughly in her mind so as to think about it from every angle. "Well, I see what you mean. I suppose. . ."
Hearing how disappointed the pony sounded, Spike suggested tactfully, "Of course, you could still throw her a party, if you wanted. Just don't make that the theme, 'kay?"
Immediately, Pinkie was all smiles again. "Okie-dokie-lokie! I'm off to do some planning, bye Spike!"
"Bye, then. . ." The dragon trailed off, realising he was bidding farewell to nopony but himself, Pinkie having fled the scene within milliseconds of finishing her sentence - and creating such an updraft in so doing that Spike had to catch a potted plant from falling off the windowsill.
He smiled, and began to eat a large raspberry sundae with extra gems, his refreshment of choice.
The following day, Pinkie Pie was galumphing joyously through. . . well, she wasn't quite sure where, but she knew that if she galumphed backwards for an hour or so she'd end up back in Ponyville, so all was well. Anyway - she was out and about somewhere near the town, enjoying the sights, sounds and smells of nature in the springtime all around her, laughing at a private joke every now and again, and generally having a whale of time, when who should appear above her but Rainbow Dash.
"Yo, Pinkie Pie!" called the cyan mare, catapulting herself down from on high, catching her rapid descent through the cloudless sky just in time to land with the merest 'thump' next to Pinkie Pie. "Hey, Pinks!"
"Oh hi, Rainbow! What're you doing?"
"I'm just out enjoying the sun while it lasts - you know the weather patrol have got a storm planned for next week?" she asked.
Pinkie Pie, who had, in fact, not been aware of this, shook her head, her perpetually frizzy fuchsia mane waving wildly to and fro. "Nope! Thanks for the warning, Rainbow!"
Smiling at her friend's bouncy demeanour, the pegasus asked, "So, what're you up to then, Pinks?"
Pinkie Pie breathed in deeply through her muzzle, sighing happily before replying. "I'm just out enjoyed the day - so many things to see, so much nature to enjoy-"
Her explanation was halted abruptly as the actions of a pair of deer, over in a distant meadow but still within eyeshot for both Pinkie Pie and Rainbow, both of whom had excellent vision, caught her eye. She turned away, glancing at Rainbow, who chuckled awkwardly in reply. They turned as one and began walking rapidly in the opposite direction.
But this moment had reminded Pinkie Pie of something Spike had told her yesterday. . . now, what was it? "Oh yes, I remember!" she burst out.
"Remember what?" Rainbow enquired, as they trotted companionably along a winding gravel track which led, eventually, up onto the moors surrounding Ponyville.
"I've remembered something really funny Spike was telling me yesterday!" Pinkie giggled again, but said nothing else.
Rainbow waited almost a whole minute before it became absolutely clear that Pinkie was not , in fact, going to be explaining what she was on about. "Come on Pinkie! You can't just leave me hanging!"
"Oh, sorry, Rainbow!" the party pony apologised, still laughing internally. "You see, Spike was going for a walk with Twilight yesterday, just like how we are now, and they saw a couple of - I think they were squirrels. Squirrels or badgers. . . Well anyway, they saw a couple of animals 'getting it on', and Spike was like, 'I think we should go', but Twilight didn't understand what was going on, so Spike had to explain it all to her!"
Rainbow raised a confused eyebrow. "What? Spike had to explain. . . but surely -"
"I know! Isn't that funny!"
"So Twilight had no idea how sex works?"
"Nope, none at all! Silly Twilight!"
There was a short pause, in which Pinkie Pie started laughing to herself again, and Rainbow frowned, still trying to piece together exactly what had happened. Then:-
"Bwa-ha-ha-ha! Twilight didn't - and Spike had to - bwa-ha-ha!"
Pinkie Pie joined in with Rainbow's laughter with gusto, and together the two of them chuckled their way over the hills, coming back in the evening thoroughly worn out after their long walk, and having gone over the matter so many times that it was becoming hard to separate what they had made up from what had actually happened.
"So then Twilight was like, 'I wanna stay and watch,' and Spike was like, 'No Twilight, that's rude,' and then he had to tell her why it was rude to watch, and-"
Applejack cut her off. "You mean to tell me," she began disbelievingly, "That Twilight - Princess Twilight, eternal Princess of Friendship - wanted to watch two animals having - getting frisky?"
"That's about the size of it!" Rainbow chuckled.
It was the following afternoon, and the pegasus had gone round to the Apple farm to help Ponyville's resident orchardiers with the pruning of their trees prior to the big storm which was scheduled for next week. And, naturally, with such a juicy titbit to divulge, Rainbow had steered the conversation towards the subject that she and Pinkie Pie had been discussing the day before.
"But that's - that's just im-po-lite ," stressed Applejack, frowning disapprovingly. "That's not like Twilight."
"Nope!" The fact that it might be somewhat out of character for Twilight to deliberately watch other animals during their copulative activities didn't seem to bother, or even have occurred to, Rainbow Dash, who was merely enjoying the thought of how intensely awkward Spike must've felt whilst explaining everything.
"So then what happened?" the farm pony asked.
"Well - I don't quite remember. I think Spike had to show Twilight how it all works, y'know - sex. . ."
The two mares shared a somewhat strained glance. "Show her?" Applejack repeated.
"Yeah. . . that doesn't sound right." Even the usually so self-assured pegaus was sounding somewhat uncertain now, and she admitted, "Well, maybe not. Perhaps he just showed her in a book, or something. You know how she loves books!"
Applejack grinned - this odd aberration of Twilight aside, the whole story was rather amusing. A book - that was probably it. Either way, she was looking forward to passing on this interesting bit of gossip when she next saw her entirely platonic friend Rarity.
"Oh, darling, that was amazing!" Rarity murmured, nuzzling Applejack's cheek ~~lovingly~~ in an entirely platonic way. "Hmm. . ."
The two mares were lying curled up together on top of the enormous haystack in the Apple family's barn, enjoying the warmth, the peaceful humming of lazily buzzing bees in the blossom on the trees, and each other's company. They hadn't yet told any of their friends about their relationship - though Big Mac had found out for himself one awkward afternoon, when he had returned early from a trip to purchase farm supplies and come back to find them canoodling on the living-room sofa - and for now were content to make the most of the few private moments alone they were able to squeeze in amongst their busy schedules.
"You know," Applejack murmured, twirling her hoof through Rarity's long, flowing mane, "Rainbow told me something interesting yesterday. . ."
Rarity snuggled closer to her marefriend, burying her muzzle into Applejack's chest fur. "Hmm?" she hmmed encouragingly.
"Yeah. . . Apparently Twilight didn't know anything about - about this sort of thing ," she chuckled self-consciously, "So Spike had to find some animals who were. . . 'busy', and show Twilight how it works."
Rarity's laugh was muffled by Applejack's fur; she lifted her head up to glance directly into her eyes. "Really? That seems awfully uncooth."
"Ah know! Still, ah s'ppose it's better than Twilight finding out the hard way. Ah hate to think how awkward Spike must've felt though. . ."
Rarity considered this for moment, before agreeing wholeheartedly. "Oh, yes! She's like a sister to him - imagine having to explain to your sister how snuggle-time works. . ."
Smiling at this use of their special pet name for the act of copulation, Applejack blushed. "Y'know, Ah had to work it out all by myself. Granny Smith and Big Mac sure weren't going to explain it to me!"
"Well," Rarity batted her eyelids seductively, "I for one think you've done very well at picking it up."
"You're not so bad yourself. . ." Applejack whispered, before leaning forward as their lips met in a kiss.
And seeing as we, dear reader, don't want to be accused of what can now be termed 'Twilightism', I think we'll leave the following half an hour or so in the barn to your imagination.
Rarity groaned pleasurably as, with deft yet powerful movements, Aloe massaged the fashionista's shoulders, working out all of the withheld tension she hadn't even realised she was carrying.
To her left, and with face and eyes similarly covered with a mixture of green glop and slices of cucumber, Fluttershy was enjoying the same treatment - for today was Saturday, the special day both of them always kept set aside for their weekly spa-dates, a tradition which went back some years now, and which the two of them thoroughly enjoyed.
For Fluttershy, who spent her entire life looking after animals, it was a chance to be pampered, to be looked after for a change, rather than always being the one doing the caring; she enjoyed the honesty and forthrightness of her friend Rarity, and valued their times together at the spa as some of her most treasured memories. Rarity herself, for her part, had always had a soft spot for the timid pegasus, and as well as enjoying her company on days like this, felt it her duty to make the oft overlooked pegasus feel valued and appreciated.
Plus, of course, it provided her with the opportunity to pass on a whole lot of juicy gossip, and Fluttershy was such an excellent listener that it was most gratifying being the one to tell her new pieces of information.
Which is what Rarity was doing now. "So then Spike had to take Twilight and show her what sex is like !"
"Oh my!" Fluttershy, always a rather diffident pony, was almost as shocked at Rarity's unbridled use of the word 'sex', especially in front of the spa ponies, Aloe and Lotus, as she was at the subject of discussion.
Rarity nodded emphatically. "I know, darling, I know! What Spike thought of it all I don't know. . . fancy that though, having to be shown how it all works by your little brother !"
Fluttershy blanched, as an uncomfortable thought struck her. "But - but Spike didn't - surely he didn't actually. . ."
"Hmm?" Rarity inquired, "What's that, darling?"
Fluttershy gasped involuntarily, for two reasons - firstly, because Lotus had at that exact moment started pummelling her back with such force that it frankly bordered on the painful (by Fluttershy's standards, anyway), and secondly because the image had just flashed into her mind of Spike and Twilight having s-
"Agh!" the pegasus cried abruptly, leaping up with such gusto that she almost sent Lotus flying into the spa pool. "I have to go!"
So saying, she fled the scene, pausing barely long enough to wipe the green gunge from her face.
"Well!" exclaimed Rarity, peeling back a piece of cucumber to watch the flight of the pegasus through one eye, "That was most unexpected!"
"Whoa there, Flutters, whoa!" murmured Starlight, grasping the shaking Fluttershy by both shoulders, "Calm down! It's alright, I've got you. You're safe. Shh. . ."
As the spooked pegasus looked into Starlight's eyes, her breathing slowly returned to normal, and eventually she was able to take a deep, long breath, letting it out again carefully. After she seemed to have calmed down somewhat, Starlight inquired, "Can you tell me what's wrong?"
Starlight had been minding her own business reading one of Spike's comics he'd left in the library, when all of sudden her peace had been shattered by the very breathless arrival of a pony usually so quiet even a mouse would have difficulty knowing if she was there or not. Not so on this occasion, as something terrible indeed seemed to be on Fluttershy's mind.
The yellow pegasus nodded uncertainly, and allowed herself to be pushed gently back into an armchair; Starlight sat herself down in one opposite. After a moment, Fluttershy nodded. "Okay - I think I'm alright," she whispered.
Starlight smiled encouragingly. "Right then - can you tell me what's going on?"
Fluttershy gulped. "Rarity says that Spike and Twilight are - that they're - they - she says that they're in a relationship! A sexual relationship!"
Rather than being astounded, outraged, or even just concerned, Starlight merely raised an eyebrow in mild confusion. "Spike and Twilight are in a sexual relationship," she repeated, as though checking she'd heard correctly.
"Well - that's what Rarity said. I think," Fluttershy murmured, suddenly feeling less certain of the facts.
Starlight sighed. It sounded to her like some prank somepony had played on her rather gullible pegasus friend, perhaps not realising it would be taken seriously. There was only one thing to do. "Come on, Fluttershy," she announced, getting up. "We're going have a chat with our resident dragon. . ."
Despite her misgivings, Fluttershy acquiesced, standing up reluctantly and following Starlight out from the library.
Fortunately, it being Saturday, Starlight knew that Spike would be in, probably in his room, and almost certainly reading comics of various sorts. (Since gaining his wings Spike had become noticeably more interested in the perusing of publications which contained pictures of female dragons; he was, of course, entirely unaware that Starlight had found and quickly flicked through the latest of these. . . 'comics', left in the library, out of curiosity, before putting it down again hurriedly.)
After some minutes - the castle always seemed to take an absolute age to walk through, especially whenever one was in a hurry - they arrived outside Spike's room, and Starlight, winking at the now trembling again Fluttershy in a 'well, let's get this over with ' sort of way, knocked on the door.
"Come in!" came the instant reply, and the two ponies pushed the door open - Fluttershy lagging noticeably behind - and went inside.
"Hey Starlight," Spike greeted her, putting down the book he had been reading, and adding, "And Fluttershy! Welcome to my humble abode!"
He had been about to say something more, but seeing the worried expression on the pegasus' face, he instead turned to look questioningly at Starlight, who informed him, "There's something very important we need to ask you, Spike."
Beginning to feel rather anxious himself now, he nodded, saying, "Okay. . . what's up?"
Starlight walked softly over to the window, and looked out. "It's like this," she began. "I'll get right to the point. Have you and Twilight been - y'know - getting it on ?"
"What!?" Spike stood up, wings open wide in amazement. "What did you say?"
"Well," continued Starlight, feeling all the more certain now that Fluttershy's concerns were nothing more than spurious rumour, "Fluttershy tells me that Rarity told her that you and Twilight are - intimate."
She blushed, realising the stupidity of this statement, as Spike facepalmed yet again. Dear, sweet Celestia , he thought. What have I started ? "No, of course not!" he added, aloud. "What in Equestria has made Rarity think that?"
Fluttershy, who had been hovering in the doorway as though in readiness to flee, spoke up for the first time. "Well. . . I don't remember. She just seemed so sure, and it was so all surprising, that I flew all the way over here as quickly as I could. . ."
She trailed off, and Spike groaned, turning to flump face-first onto his pillow.
I am never, EVER telling Pinkie Pie anything personal again!
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Spike Gives Twilight 'The Talk'
And a Vodka for the Princess, OR: On second thoughts, better leave the bottle
'Twas a dark and dreary night. The rain came tumbling down in sheets to thick you could almost stand up in it. It was detective weather: No-pony about but one, lone stallion in a dyed-black fedora, a drenched pin-striped suit, and a trenchcoat, collar so high he could barely see where he was going. After running into and apologising to a telegraph pole, he leant against a streetlamp, trying to act super-casual but standing out like the world's sorest thumb.
Aye - 'twas detective weather indeed. But across the street from our would-be protector of the law, in a shady corner where sunlight scarce dared to tread, lay the ramshackle, ancient building known to all and sundry simply as the Ducking Pond . This relic of a by-gone era, this leastmost bastion of public houses everywhere, was still, surprisingly, open. Or rather, there were still, audibly, ponies inside; the sign on the door itself was firm in its statement: CLOSED .
Its last call for orders should have been almost an hour ago and, as the clock of Canterlot Cathedral struck midnight and the bells chimed out the start of the new day, one could be forgiven for assuming the pub's proprietor was guilty of that most heinous of acts - staying open too late . Though we cannot, sadly, be certain, it seems likely that this is what the 'detective' opposite was thinking.
Fortunately for the publican's reputation, this was not the case. Though officially closed, he had, in fact, two customers remaining, for whom he had acquiesced to keep the pub open for as long as they desired. This would normally not have been something he would even consider, but as his patrons were no lesser personages than Princess Luna herself, and some dragon he felt he should probably recognise but didn't, he felt it would be alright to let them stay a bit longer.
And so, that is how we find our gallant duo - the pony and the dragon who took on that most difficult of subjects, 'the Talk' , and not only passed through the metaphorical fire but lived to tell the tale - having arranged this nocturnal meeting to compare notes, discuss how they could avoid this sort of thing happening again, and generally drown their sorrows.
Luna was hoping none of the Royal Guard ever found out where she was as, because it was nighttime, she was technically supposed to be on duty. But hey! Who doesn't bunk off every once in a while? And as for the landlord, could he be trusted to keep his mouth shut? The golden hoofshake clinking to the tune of a thousand bits was a safe bet that he could be.
Despite their location, however, both the dragon and the demigod were cautious not to drink too much. After all, enough awkwardness had stalked them both recently without having embarrassing alcohol-related headlines being emblazoned across tomorrow's newspapers.
Holding his head in his hands, Spike rocked slowly back and forth. "That was - I just can't - argh!"
Luna nodded sympathetically. "I know just was you mean. . . It was bad enough having to explain 'intimacy' to my elder sister, but to have such rumours spread about you - that is an evil indeed!"
"Don't I know it," Spike muttered. "Do you know what the Foal Free Press was leading with yesterday?"
Luna shook her head - oddly enough, she wasn't in the habit of reading a local school production intended purely for the consumption of subscribers to that school, in a relatively distant, provincial sector of the vast Equestrian empire. "No?"
Spike groaned, as though even thinking about it was enough to bring on a flashback. "Their main headline - in a foal's newspaper! - was 'Princess - or Incest? ' - can you believe it?"
Luna had the grace to be rather surprised, though at the same time amused at the wittiness of the half-rhyme. "That is. . . troubling, to say the least," she admitted. "But then," she added as an afterthought, "It does tell us something positive, at any rate."
The dragon laughed sardonically. "Oh really? And what's that?"
"Well," Luna explained, "If they know what incest is - they've already had the Talk ."
This took a moment to sink in, and when it did Spike's face was awash with a mixture of emotions. On the one hand, he was glad that, at least for now, he wouldn't be called on to give the Talk to anypony else (which had been a secret fear of his; now that pretty much everypony in Ponyville knew he'd explained sex to the Princess, he wouldn't've been surprised if parents of other foals had asked him to repeat the Talk for their own progeny), and so felt somewhat relieved. But, on the other hand, was it not worrying that foals so young should know what 'incest' was?
So instead of agreeing or disagreeing either way, he merely 'hmmed'.
A short silence fell, during which the two of them sat quietly, comfortable in each other's company, and sharing the bond that only arises between those who have experienced the same trial or tribulation. From the cosy booth by the rain-lashed window, they could see out along the street, which was nice - though to be quite honest, there wasn't an awful lot to see, other than the now hastily retreating figure of a sodden hat-wearing pony legging it into the distance.
The rain beat down, the streetlamps guttered, and the thatchen eaves dripped with excess moisture. Princess Luna sighed heavily, and took another sip of her drink. Vodka had never been her cup of tea, either literally or metaphorically, but Spike had ordered one and she didn't want to seem weak in front of a dragon currently one fifty-sixth of her age. That being said, however, she was warming to the rather off-putting sense of swallowing concentrated paint-stripper.
Spike groaned again - something else had apparently just occurred to him which he had previously been in blissful forgetfulness of; he rubbed his face in his hands once more. "Oh, my days. . ." he muttered.
Allowing him a moment's silence to formulate his thoughts, Luna asked, "Is everything alright, Spike?"
Luna had, in fact, always quite liked the young dragon. He was a lot more intelligent, and mature, than most ponies gave him credit for, and she had grown to be rather fond of him. Not in a romantic way, of course, don't be ridiculous - but as a friend, a creature who could speak to her on her own wavelength, and to whom she could reply in turn. Since her return to terra Equestra there were few ponies to whom the Princess had come to truly enjoy the company of, as the world had changed such a lot since her banishment she was never quite sure if she was saying or doing the right thing. But Spike had always been at pains to put her at her ease, encouraging her rather than laughing at her if she ever made a social faux pas. Thus it was that Luna considered the little dragon to be one of her closest friends.
She watched him now, smiling in pleasure at his company, as he struggled with some inner torment. Eventually, he was ready to explain what he was thinking about. "Well, you see," he began, "After I'd explained how sex works to Twilight, and she'd managed to grasp that it's a pleasurable thing as well as an - a necessary biological function, she asked me a jolly embarrassing question."
Luna, who had some idea of what this 'jolly embarrassing question' might entail, having been asked something along those lines by her sister not five hours before, murmured, "It's alright if you'd rather not tell me, you know."
Spike smiled gratefully, then continued, "Nah, it's alright. I know I can trust you not to pass this around."
Luna nodded, gratified at this indication of how Spike viewed their friendship, but stayed silent.
The dragon carried on, saying, "Well - the thing is, see, apparently she goes around the castle at night checking there's nothing hiding in the shadows. Why, I don't know - I don't think even she knows, to be honest! But it turns out that, on more than one occasion, she's walked past my door, which has evidently not been shut properly, and seen me - well, seen me. . ."
Holding back a giggle, Luna forestalled him. "Seen you engaged in your own pleasurable company?"
Spike grinned, relieved not to have to explain further. "Indeed! So you can see how that was embarrassing. . . Fortunately she doesn't seem to've mentioned this to anypony else."
Again, the Princess of the Night nodded. "Actually," she whispered, lest the ever-scrubbing publican overhear, "Celestia has caught me doing just the same!"
Spike looked shocked. "Really? You mean you - y'know - do that too?"
Luna blushed, her cheeks turning bright crimson (or they would have, if her fur hadn't been so dark - as it was they barely even turned to a deep burgundy). "Well. . . Perhaps from time to time. Not every night, you understand. Just - most nights. . ."
She trailed off, surprised at how forward she was being. Spike, too, had turned pink; he coughed, nervously. "Hmm! Well, there you are. . . good to know it's not just me!" he added, successfully breaking the tension.
The Princess smiled. "How about we change the subject?" she asked.
"Yeah," Spike agreed, soundly relieved, "It was starting to get pretty awkward!"
Luna nodded, smilingly, in return. "Oh," she announced, glancing down at her empty glass, "I seem to've drunk it all."
"That's alright," Spike reassured her; calling over to the landlord, who had been pretending not to listen whilst cleaning imaginary specks from the insides of scores of already pristine glasses, he added, "I say, Empty Keg? Could I have a pint of your finest stout, and a vodka for the Princess?"
After a few moments the drinks were placed in front of the ponies; Empty Keg was just about to walk back to the bar with the remainder of the vodka in the bottle but, seeing Luna's disappointed expression, Spike asked hastily, "On second thoughts, better leave the bottle."
And so, with a fresh supply of alkie, the occasional surreptitious, stealthily-stalking sleuth in the street outside, and the pleasure of each other's company to entertain them, the dragon and the demigod swapped tall stories, unlikely tales and impossible yarns long into the night.
Author's Note
Sorry for the confusion, everypony - despite my attempts to explain to the contrary, the powers that be have decreed that the sequels to Spike Gives Twilight 'The Talk' aren't, in fact, sequels, and are instead chapters of the same story, in spite of this never being the case. So to avoid a ban from the site I have been forced to reupload them as chapters here.
Apologies to everyone - all 2·5k of you - who read them before they were revoked for any confusion caused!
