Revelations - Matters of Madness and Other Poisons

“Ugh when’s she getting back?”

“I don’t know, man.  It’s been like… a whole ten minutes.”

“Dude she said she was only going to get artichoke from the farmer’s market.  How long does it take to get artichoke?”

The pair of stallions leaned out the window of their home, glancing down either direction of the street they lived on.  One, a sturdy blue pegasus wearing a dented guard’s helmet, let out a gust of breath and slumped over the windowsill.  His yellow unicorn partner stood erect, listening for any sign that their mutual friend had returned.  Above them towered Canterlot Castle, the impenetrable behemoth that symbolized the strength of Equestria itself.   Their house was situated alongside the main road leading up to the castle gates, and though it was much bigger than the surrounding houses it appeared far less pompous.  A simple white color with a few splashes of purple.  Cracks could be seen alongside the wall, homage to the many years of use and disrepair this building had seen.  It really wasn’t their fault – as the only guards defending Canterlot Laboratories there really wasn’t much time to worry about home furnishings.  These barracks served as a place of rest between shifts and nothing more.  Up until recently they hadn’t really been in their house all that much.

It was a beautiful day in Equestria.  Sunshine rained down delicately upon the various mares and stallions trotting along the streets of Canterlot, patting their backs like an old friend.  But such beauty was only superficial.  Canterlot itself had become the primary breeding grounds for fear and paranoia since the labs blew up nearly a month ago.  Unexplained causes enticed rumors to spread like wildfire.  Was it an attack?  Were they in danger of invasion?  Perhaps it was a conspiracy to ensure loyalty since Nightmare Moon’s return?  Or perhaps it was Princess Luna herself resorting to her dastardly ways?  In any case, the news that dangerous airborne neurotoxins had been emitted from the explosion drove the citizens mad.  Many expressed their desire to flee, go off and live with distant family members or something of the like.  But Princess Celestia had made a formal issue to her citizens: A simple core malfunction, nothing more, had caused the lab destruction.  She allowed for the publication of a joint article – authored by both Dr. Polymer, head of Canterlot Laboratories and Surgeon General for Equestria, and Captain Shining Armor – stating that “pressure buildup due to faulty gas pipes had unleashed perception-altering neurotoxins in an explosive manner”.  The mess was cleaned up now, Shining’s specially trained guards had seen fit to that, so there was no need to worry about any dangerous chemicals floating in the air.  And as for family members of Canterlot Labs researchers who were worried that their hospitalized kin kept blabbering on about a “sharp-toothed individual”, this was nothing more than a common delusion brought on by the neurotoxin.  Hallucinations were known symptoms of such chemicals after all.

And so panic was subdued, externally of course.  The citizens of Canterlot had taken everything said as factual and stuck to it with the belief that it would be worth something when all was said and done.  If the Captain of the Royal Guard said something was true, well that had to be taken with a grain of salt.  Captains were swayed by political turmoil and the like.  But if the researchers of Canterlot Laboratories said it was true, especially the Surgeon General himself, then there was no denying its credibility.  Scientists did have all the facts after all.

Thus, the citizens of Canterlot walked about like they had not a care in the world, when in reality their eyes darted back and forth and their ears perked upwards at every passing noise.

But on this morning in particular, one pegasus mare stood out amongst the crowd.  She was young, possibly early 20’s, with the most adorable hint of chubbiness to her face that made her cheeks puff up when smiling.  Her fur was a sleek shade of white, and her mane a bright jubilant pink.  She fluttered her wings as she walked, shaking loose a few tattered feathers leftover from today’s preening, and readjusted the saddlebags slung over her back.  Atop her head sat a large helmet that looked a size too large for her head.  And as she walked, she released a merry tune from deep within her soul.

“I’m walkin’ on sunshine, whoa-oh!  I’m walkin’ on sunshine, whoa-oh-oh!  And don’t it feel good!”  The young mare bounded along the streets of Canterlot, enjoying the warmth of a bright new day.  Her cheery demeanor practically radiated outward into her surroundings, bringing happiness and vitality into the gloomy city.  The downtrodden and depressed found themselves taken in by the peppy song she spewed forth.  Her lighthearted steps and overall sense of carelessness melted hearts and upturned frowns.  And it was good, for it seemed to return some of the happiness that had become such a rarity in the capital of Equestria.

As she approached the large cracked house, the two stallions leaning out the window perked up.

“Hey Guardian!”

“Guardian?  Oh Guardian, you’re back!”

She giggled as they scrambled over each other to meet her at the door.  They flung themselves outside and flopped on top of each other in a tangled mess of limbs.  Once free of each other’s bodies they stood erect and alert, saluting the mare before them in an over-caricaturized manner.  Her face scrunched up and she returned their mock salute.

“At ease gentlemen,” she responded in as gruff a voice she could manage.

Then the lot of them broke out into fits of laughter.

“Oh Guardian,” her yellow-toned companion stammered through wheezing breath, “it’s good to have you back.”

“Yeah,” added the blue stallion, “I thought we were gonna starve to death!”

“Fear not gentlemen!”  The mare stood tall, shutting her eyes and raising her chin in an overtly-pompous manner.  “For I, Madam Guardian Angel Von-Hoofington, have heard your cries for help and have deemed it necessary to take pity on you, my loyal subjects!”  With a flourish she produced three bound packs of artichoke from her saddlebags and held them in her mouth for the world to see.  Immediately, the pair of stallions dropped their heads to the ground and began groveling at her hooves.

“Oh madam you are too kind!  We are not worthy of your generosity!”

“Tsk tsk.  Rise my brave knights, you bow to no mare.”

“Except maybe to Princess Luna,” the blue stallion responded.  “I’d tap that in a heart beat.”

The yellow unicorn popped him on the shoulder and told him to shut up, eliciting another giggle from Guardian.

“Oh you two,” she shook her head.  “Is everybody ready for dinner?”

“Girl we’ve been ready for like the past hour.  What took you so long?”

As they spoke the three of them walked inside and made their way to the kitchen.

“Hey it isn’t my fault.  It just so happens I had other matters to attend to that didn’t involve making sure you numbskulls don’t starve to death.”

The blue pegasus smirked devilishly.  “Did these ‘other matters’ happen to involve something shiny?”

Angel dropped the artichoke onto the kitchen counter unceremoniously.  She attempted to hide the growing blush on her cheeks.

“Uh, N-no.  Well, I mean yes, but..”

“Oh my gosh, you stalker you!  Why don’t you just jump him already!”

“Hey!”  Guardian whirled around and shoved a hoof in his face.  “I will have you know that I just so happened to see Mr. Armor at the market while getting your dinner.  It’s not my fault he decided to buy food today…”  She turned back to the counter and began flipping through the cabinets for a cutting board, a large blush growing on her cheeks.  The pegasus smiled wider and moved to look her in the eye.

“And I suppose you also didn’t follow him around while he shopped?”

“No, I didn’t!  I’m not that creepy…”

“Really?  Then what did he buy?”

Her bangs covered her eyes as she looked down sheepishly.  “Four tomatoes, two packs of strawberries, five apples, some grapes…”

The stallion fell back and held his chest as he laughed.  Guardian Angel swatted him away.

“Oh come off it!  Why don’t you go upstairs and get everybody ready for dinner ya goof!”

He rolled over and stumbled out of the room, shielding himself from Guradian’s relentless onslaught.  The stairway echoed with playful taunting as he fled.

Guardian shook her head, smiling to herself as she did so, then turned back to the counter and began chopping up the artichoke.  As she did she hummed lightly, and the yellow unicorn standing next to her leaned against the counter and listened to her song.  They stayed like that for some time, enjoying the peace of the moment, before her companion spoke up.

“What do we do now Guardian?”

She grabbed the cutting board and scooped the artichoke into a bowl.  “What do you mean?”

“I mean, what do we do now that we’re out of a job?  We’ve been living off Celestia’s good graces for the past month, but you and I both know that ain’t gonna last long.”  He leaned closer to her.  She seemed to be ignoring him, but he was more aware of other people’s emotions than his blue-toned friend.  He knew she was listening.

The pegasus lifted his forehoof and gently turned Angel to face him.  She purposely avoided eye contact with him.

“Guardian, how much money do we have left?”

Her eyes darted back and forth.  “Enough…” she replied bluntly.

“Angel.”

“…for a week.”

“A week??  When were you planning on telling everybody!”

She reeled back.  “Look I’ve got it under control!  I just… didn’t want to worry everybody.”

A sigh escaped his lips.  Leave it to Guardian to try and protect the others from the truth.  “Angel, you know we appreciate all you do for us.  But if something’s up you ougtha let us know.  We can help.”

“I know, I know, I just… I thought maybe I could find work by the end of the week.  Then I wouldn’t have to worry everybody.”

He sighed.  “That’s sweet Angel.  But don’t forget that we worry about you too.”

The two of them smiled at one another for a moment.  Guardian meant well, but sometimes she could be as pigheaded as the others.

The sound of over a dozen pairs of hooves could be heard scrambling downstairs.  Guardian turned to the doorway of the kitchen and watched expectantly as ten ponies came pouring into the kitchen.

Two Earth ponies, one male and one female, bolted ahead of the crowd.  Their powerful legs shot them ahead of the three unicorns behind them, who struggled to keep up with sheer Earth pony endurance.  Two of the unicorns, both mares, glanced at each other knowingly, before powering up their horns.  They disappeared in a flash and reappeared at the head of the pack, attempting to greet Guardian before the others.  While the two Earth ponies managed to skid to a stop before colliding with these two mares, the third unicorn, a scrawny stallion, smashed into the four of them and created a multi-pony pileup.  Four pegasi – three stallion and one mare – turned the corner and barely had any time to react.  Three of them tripped up and fell head first into the pile, while the fourth leapt into the air and glided gracefully before Angel.  It was the blue pegasus who had taunted her earlier, and now he stood before her looking smug as ever.

“I brought ‘em,” he announced happily.

Guardian Angel facehoofed while the yellow unicorn next to her stifled a chuckle.

“And so then I said, ‘Welfare??  Like hell I’m paying that!’”

Raucous laughter rang out across the table after the stallion had finished his story.  A pegasus began choking on his food and fell face first into his mashed potatoes, eliciting more laughter once somebody else performed the Heimlich maneuver on him.  Guardian Angel sat at the head of the table, wiping tears from her eyes and struggling to breathe.

“You are awful!  You know that?”  She clutched her chest and rolled out of her chair.

This was part of the norm for the group.  Twelve guard ponies sat around a large rectangular table, sharing stories and struggling to eat calmly.  Dinnertime was usually the only time of day they were together, so making conversation rather than actually eating had become tradition.  Even now that they had lost their jobs and spent all day indoors, the dinner fiesta hadn’t lost its social charm.

A unicorn mare spoke up through gasping breaths.

“I still can’t believe that mare even gave you a chance!  She must’ve been crazy.”

“She was!  She still writes to my mother to tell her I’m not ‘ready to commit’.”

More laughter bounced about the table before the blue pegasus from earlier spoke up.

“That’s almost as sad as Guardian’s obsession with Shining!”

“Hey!” Guardian shouted, “it’s not sad!”  Though what he said seemed cruel, Guardian knew her friend meant nothing of it.  They could heckle one another without causing harm.  “You take that back!”

“Oh Angel,” another pegasus spoke up, “we all know you like him.”

“Yeah, there’s no point in hiding it.”

“No, I don’t!”  her cheeks puffed outward as she pouted.

The blue pegasus spoke up once more.  “Guardian you hung around him like a puppy after we left the castle!”

“Yeah, and we could see you drooling!”

“I was hungry!”

“For Shining Armor!”

“Oooooooooo!!”

This continued for some time.  Guardian continued to deny her infatuation for Shining Armor, but her friends weren’t buying it.  She pointed at the blue pegasus.

“If you don’t stop this, I’m never cooking for you again!”

“Hey, you can’t do that!  I’m just telling it how it is.”

She scooped up a hoof-full of mashed potatoes and chucked them at his head.  “Take it back!”

He ducked out of the way and the Earth pony behind him got a face-full of mush.  A food fight broke out almost immediately.

As they fought the blue pegasus continued to haze Guardian.

“Just admit you like him!”

“No!”

“There’s no point in hiding it Angel, I found the Playmare magazine!”

“No you didn’t shut up!  I threw that away!”

“So you admit to having it?”

“No shuddup!”

The din grew to such an extent that Guardian almost didn’t hear the knocking at the door.  She got up to answer it as her friend chucked some more potatoes at her head.

“Just admit you like him!”  He shouted.

“No!” she reached the front door and pulled it open as she spoke.  “I don’t have a crush on—” As the door swung open, Guardian Angel found herself face-to-face with the last stallion she ever expected to see.

Her pupils dilated to the size of pinpricks, and her breath caught in her chest.  She whispered his name softly to herself.

“Shining Armor…”

Then she swooned.

Guardian Angel awoke to the chilling bite of ice cold water upon her face.  She squealed and bolted upright, knocking Shining Armor right in the snout.

“Oh jeez!” he jerked back, hooves on his face, while the other four female guards helped Guardian to stand.  After a few seconds of disoriented confusion, Angel shook her head clear.

“Wha happuhn,” she blubbered.  Her eyes glazed across the room, taking note of her friends standing around her and those around Captain Shining… Captain Shining Armor!

Immediately Guardian jerked to alertness and thrust a forehoof to her head.

“Sir!  I apologize for my impoliteness sir!”

Shining laughed, waving off her fears with one hoof and holding onto his face with the other.

“No need to apologize, these things happen.  And there’s no need to be so formal Angel.  After all I am a guest in your house.”

She removed her hoof from her head awkwardly.  “Ahaha, y-yeah.”  Her blush burned a bright crimson on her white fur.

The yellow guard sat next to Shining and handed him an ice pack.  Captain Armor graciously applied it to his face before turning back to Guardian.

“You’ll need to excuse my unannounced visit.  I come on Celestia’s command.”

“Oh?  And what does the Princess want?”  She tilted her head in inquiry.

“Well, to be blunt, she wants your services.”

A young mare stepped forward cautiously.  “We already service the Princess.  We’re Royal Guards.”

“Yes I know.  But now that Canterlot Laboratories is gone you and your friends are through with that assignment.”

The mares standing about Angel began murmuring amongst themselves.  A couple of the stallions shared confused looks, and an overall sense of shock settled about the room.  The blue stallion stepped forward and looked Shining in the eye.

“What do you mean we’re ‘through with that assignment’?  Are you saying we’re fired??”

Shining Armor was assaulted at once with the shouts and cries of a dozen guards.  They backed him into the wall, voices overlapping and threats melding into one.

“No wait listen to me!  You aren’t being fired!  You’re being reassigned!”

Guardian shoved her way to the front of the crowd.  “Reassigned to what exactly?”

Shining stood up and cleared his throat before speaking.  “As I’m sure you twelve are all painfully aware, the death of Canterlot Laboratories was anything but an accident.  It was the result of one Dr. Viktor Splice.”

The guard ponies hissed under their breaths.  That was a name they’d come to curse in their sleep once Celestia told them of his existence.  Shining continued his speech.

“As of now, Splice is running amok somewhere in Equestria, quiet as a mouse but deadlier than a Manticore.  And the princesses are having enough trouble as it is keeping news of his presence secret from the rest of the nation.”

“But why keep it secret?”  Guardian asked.  “The princesses ought to be thinking about building up some sort of defensive force shouldn’t they?”

Shining nodded.  “Yes.  But what the citizens don’t know can’t hurt them now can it?  And a defensive force is where you twelve come in.”

He allowed the guards a moment for his words to sink in before continuing.

“Allow me to introduce your new assignment.  Dr. Polymer!  Dr. Lattice!  You can come in now!”

The front door creaked open and two elderly researchers entered the house.  Dr. Polymer entered first.  He was an Earth pony stallion whose light tan fur color heavily contrasted the dark brown of his eyes.  The snowy white mane upon his head had a fluffy texture to it, similar that which made his eyebrows look so thick and bushy.  Random strands of hair stuck out at odd angles on his head, signs of his old age and long nights researching.  His lab coat was as white as his mane, and the cutie mark on his flank was something none of the guards could quite make out.  Guardian thought it looked like a mouth eating some putty or something.  Dr. Polymer walked in with a look of confusion and contempt on his face.  He really didn’t want to be doing this.  Dr. Lattice on the other hoof, appeared as serene as could be.  She was a bright yellow mare with a silver mane and tail.  The wrinkles on her face proved she was just as old as Polymer, but made her look much sweeter, as though hers were the product of old age and wisdom while his had developed after long nights of toiling in the lab.  On her flank sat a picture of a lattice structure – transparent three-dimensional cubes – and on her face sat a rounded pair of spectacles.  These too added to her “motherly wise-woman” appearance, and made her look cute in a strange way.  Her eyes were a dark grey, and she wore a lab coat that was as white as Polymer’s.

The pair stopped and stood before the watchful gaze of a dozen guards.  Polymer rubbed his shoulder awkwardly and glanced about like it was killing him to be there.  Fortunately, he had Lattice with him, and she nudged him gently like a mother duck egging her chicks to cross the street.

Shining Armor turned to Guardian.  “You are to provide for and work with the ex-researchers of Canterlot Laboratories until this Splice issue has been dealt with.  For now, Dr. Polymer and Dr. Lattice are the only two able-bodied enough to be here, but once the others are released from the hospital they are to come here as well.”

Guardian was too dumbstruck to speak, so her blue-toned friend did so for her.

“Whoa whoa woah!  You can’t just expect us to accommodate all of them!  That’s like three times as many ponies than are already here!”

“Actually we can just expect you to.  Not only is this a direct order from Princess Celestia herself, but these barracks are property of the Royal Castle and are only loaned out to you.  As such, you don’t have control over who lives here.”

The blue pegasus looked as though he were about to strike, but Guardian placed a hoof on his shoulder to calm him.  He looked at her, and she shook her head calmly.

“It’s alright,” she said, “we have plenty of room for them.”

“And if you need assistance in caring for them,” Shining added, “Celestia has offered to provide you with a full contingent of housekeepers.”

Guardian shook her head furiously.  “Oh it’s no trouble, I can handle it.”  She beamed brightly.  “If I can handle these knuckleheads, I can handle anything.”

“Well I’m glad to hear we’ll be taken care of,” Polymer interrupted, “I was worried I wouldn’t have someone to change my diaper.”

Lattice scowled and shoved him lightly.  “Polymer, be nice.”  She looked to Guardian.  “I’m sorry, he’s still a bit sore from the hospital.  He just got discharged today.”

“Oh it’s no trouble,” Guardian fluttered over to Polymer and held out a hoof.  “I’m Guardian Angel, nice to formally meet you!  I mean I know we’ve technically been co-workers for years now, but we’ve never really had a chance to interact now have we?”

Polymer looked at her hoof as though he feared it would erupt.  Once he was sure it wouldn’t, he took a deep breath and clutched it warily.  He did his best to be polite.  “I’m Doctor Polymerase, but most ponies call me Polymer for short.”  He winced under Lattice’s disapproving eye.  “And I’m sorry for being rude,” he said.  Lattice nodded.

“Oh it’s no problem, I know it sucks being in the hospital.  I just got out last week.”

Polymer watched this mare incredulously as she practically bounded with energy in front of him.  “How do you do it?” he asked.

She blinked.  “Do what?”

“Be so happy!  I mean, do you even know what our job is?”

“Not exactly, I was actually gonna ask about that.  Shining?”

Shining jumped.  “What?  Oh, that.  Um, how about I just read the official statement, yeah?”  He pulled a small scroll from his chest plate and began reading.  “Her Royal Highness, Mistress of the Sun, and Ruler of Equestria Princess Celestia hereby decrees that the ex-employees of Canterlot Laboratories, both guards and researchers alike, be reassigned to the location and elimination of one Dr. Viktor Splice.  Furthermore, it has been deemed necessary that these individuals begin development of new defensive mechanisms to protect both Canterlot and the Princess herself from Viktor’s inevitable future attacks.  Therefore, not only shall the ex-researchers of Canterlot Laboratories be allowed to room in the barracks, but they must also be given the right to reassemble a suitable laboratory in the basement.  This shall be kept secret from the public until effective defensive systems have been developed, at which point the Princesses will provide further instructions.  As for the guards, they are to handle covert operations as they are given them, no questions asked.  Signed, Princess Celestia.”

Once he finished reading Dr. Polymer spoke once more.  Fear and anger riddled his shaky voice.

“Do you hear this?  We’ve become pawns in this little game of theirs.  Viktor wants to kill the Princess for whatever reason, and because we were unlucky enough to get in his way, we have to be the ones to fight him!  It’s suicide!”  His voice had risen to shouting by the time he finished.  Lattice placed a hoof on his shoulder, which he took in his own as he struggled to control his breathing.

Guardian stared at him blankly.  Her fellow guards searched her face for any hint of emotion, any inclination as to how they ought to be responding to the situation.  After a few tense moments she broke out into a grin.

She shrugged.  “So we gotta do a few secret missions without asking any questions.  Sounds cool to me!  We’re like spies or something!”

Her friends started chattering amongst themselves.  Hell the decree sounded much less dreary once it was worded like that.  Being spies was much cooler than being sent to certain death.  Polymer opened his mouth to retort, but Guardian rushed to his side and placed a hoof to his mouth.  She whispered into his ear.

“I know what you’re gonna say.  You’re going to tell me to stop acting so childlike and to actually start worrying about what’s going to happen to us once we actually come face-to-face with this Viktor guy.  But I’ve got a group to think about here.  Look at them.”

She gestured to her friends, who were now lifting a young mare into the air as she struck a number of exaggerated poses.  It was an odd sight, watching a group get so enthusiastic over something as little as being called “spies”.  Angel whispered into his ear again.

“They need me to be optimistic, otherwise they’d be scared and lost.  It’s my duty to protect them.  They’re my family.”

Polymer looked at her.  He was in awe.

“But, but, that’s lying to them!  You’re lying to them!”

She shook her head.  “They heard the decree too you know.  If I was gonna lie to them they’d know it.  I’m just directing their attention to the more positive side of things.  I keep them going.”

Polymer watched as she flew into her group of friends.  They lifted her in the air and laughed as she did her best impression of a king waving to his lowly subjects.  Dr. Lattice sat down next to him and nuzzled his neck.

“It’ll be okay Polymer,” she cooed, “they seem like a nice bunch of ponies.  We’re just here until this issue is dealt with.  Then we can focus on getting back to a semblance of normalcy.”

Polymer watched the guards’ cheerleading act for a few more seconds before sighing.  He leaned his head against Lattice’s.

“You’re right.  It’ll be fine.  It’ll all be fine…”

Shining Armor silently let himself out the door.