Hitler Freaks Out in Equestria
What a wonderful morning! The sun was shining, birds were singing, and Adolf Hitler was relaxing in his personal bunker in Berlin. 'Ah, yes,' he thought, 'this is nice. Just a day to relax and forget about the war for a little bit.'
As he was just relaxing and not paying attention to anything, he didn't notice the bright speck of light that appeared behind the chair that he was seated in. The speck slowly began to expand into an orb, and it began to arc small tendrils of light away from it. As it got bigger, the tendrils also got bigger, and when the orb started to buzz, Hitler finally noticed it. He turned around, and yelled out in surprise at the strange glowing orb right in front of his mustached Hitler-face.
"WOT ZE FUCK IS DAS?!" he shrieked, jumping out of his chair and backing away from the orb. The orb didn't respond, instead it continued to expand, and Hitler backed away a bit further. He pulled his personal Luger pistol out of the holster attached to his belt, and pointed it at the orb. Pulling the trigger, he shot at the orb. Later on he would regret doing this, as it caused the orb to destabilize and explode outwards, enveloping the room and Hitler himself in a bright white light, before disappearing abruptly and returning silence to the room. The only difference now was that there was a distinct lack of the Nazi dictator.
Out in the empty fields near Ponyville, there was a bright flash of light as the space-time continuum had another tantrum and opened up a hole, depositing a very confused and irritated-looking Adolf Hitler. It was not a gentle placement, either, as the dictator managed to faceplant into the grass with a grunt.
As he pushed himself up, and brushed off his dictator suit, he examined his surroundings. 'Wow, what an ordinary field. It's the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, WHY AM I HERE?! WHERE IS BERLIN?! IF THIS IS BECAUSE OF THE MORONS WORKING ON THE WUNDERWAFFE I'LL HAVE THEIR HEADS!'
While Hitler ranted internally and stomped around the field angrily, a lone pegasus, who happened to notice the flash of light, landed nearby and slowly approached the bipedal figure. Said pegasus, a mare with a familiar light grey coat and yellow eyes that didn't quite line up perfectly, took out a muffin and trotted up to the angry Nazi, smiling up at him. "Muffin?"
Hitler, shook out of his internal rant by the appearance of a voice, froze in place and slowly turning to look at the pegasus. What happened next would be known as the "first contact with an alien species" in Equestrian history books.
The human screamed, his scream not much different from a young girl's scream, and nearly fell on his butt from how quickly he stumbled backwards away from the grey pegasus. Hyperventilating, he tried to get as far away from the pony as fast as he could. "Oh scheisse oh scheisse it just talked to me ZE HORSE JUST TALKED TO ME OH MEIN GOTT-"
The grey mare frowned, not understanding the human's reaction to her speaking, and looked between him and the muffin. "You don't like muffins? Are you okay, mister?" she asked, slowly stepping closer to Hitler.
Hitler, meanwhile, screamed some more, and fell flat on his butt, reaching for his Luger's holster only to find that his Luger was not there. Looking around quickly, he noticed it had fallen out a few feet away, right next to the talking horse that was now coming closer. The grey mare stopped and looked at Hitler with one of her eyes, the other looking in another direction. "Mister? What's wrong?" she asked, before noticing the pistol on the ground. She reached a hoof to it, picked it up, and held it out to Hitler. "You dropped something, mister! Here!"
It was at this moment that Hitler fainted, right then and there. His last thought was 'Es ist ein sprechendes, geflügeltes Pferd. Oh, mein gott.' Which, in German, means what Derpy is. A talking, winged horse.
When our favorite mister Fuhrer came to, he was laid down on a bed, and being stared at by not just one, but two of those tiny colorful horses. So, rather than make an escape, he just laid his head back and awaited his fate.
The purple one with both wings and a horn wrote something down on a notepad, using magic or some other force to hold up both the quill and the notepad, the entire action disturbing Hitler extremely. "Hmmm... it seems to be awake," she said, looking up and smiling at the human. "Hello there, can you speak?"
Hitler just covered his face with his hand, and nodded. "...Ja, I can speak. But how can YOU speak?" he all but screamed, looking between his fingers at the now-frowning purple horse. "You are a verdammt HORSE!"
The light blue, rainbow-haired one scowled and stomped a hoof. "Hey, don't talk to Twilight like that, bucko! Just because you're some tall alien doesn't mean you get to act all high and mighty!"
The purple horse, whose name was apparently Twilight, put a hoof on the rainbow-maned one's shoulder. "Rainbow, calm down. He's not going to hurt anypony." She turned to look at Hitler. "Right?"
Hitler's hand slowly fell from his face. "I see no reason why I should waste any bullets on you strange creatures so far, so no."
Twilight nodded, as the one named Rainbow huffed. "Derpy said he freaked out when she offered him a muffin. I wouldn't trust a word he says, Twilight. He's probably crazy or something."
Mister Hitler, being the upstanding human he is, scoffed indignantly and lifted his head up to scowl at Rainbow. "I'll have you know that the only CRAZY person is the general who convinced me it was a good idea to invade the Soviet Union! And I'm not a talking, colorful horse with wings!"
Rainbow growled and flared said wings, jumping up and hovering a few feet above the ground in a threatening pose. "See, Twilight? He can't be trusted! He's crazy! What the hay even is the Soviet Union?"
Twilight sighed and poked Rainbow's leg. "Just because he's an alien doesn't mean he's crazy or eats ponies for breakfast. He's probably just scared and confused." She turned to look at Hitler again. "What is your name, anyways? And where are you from? I've never known any country or empire that has the flag you're wearing." She gestured to the patch on Hitler's arm, where a red square with a white circle and black swastika in the center could be seen.
Hitler slowly sat up, stretching his arms and scratching his neck. "My name is Adolf Hitler, der Fuhrer of the Third Reich. How have you never heard of the Third Reich, anyway? It is the greatest empire to ever exist since the Romans!"
Rainbow scoffed. "He's talking crazy again!"
Twilight nudged Rainbow. "Not now, Rainbow." She wrote something else in her notepad. "So, mister Hitler, what exactly is this 'Third Reich' you speak of? And have you ever heard of 'Equestria'?"
Hitler stared at Twilight. "The Third Reich is the most powerful empire in all of the entire world, and soon we will have control of the entire world. And what ze hell is Equestria? I have extensively studied many maps and never has the name Equestria shown up anywhere."
Twilight scribbled on her notepad some more. "Hmmm... you must be from another universe, then!" she stated, completely ignoring the Nazi's question. "What is your world like? Does it have magic? Are there more creatures like you? This is the event of a lifetime!" Twilight squealed as she broke down into her most basic function. Namely, 'learn as much as you can about this interesting thing in the shortest time possible and write it all down somewhere to look back at later.'
Hitler completely ignored the nerdgasm that the purple horse was suffering from, and instead climbed out of the bed he was sitting in. "Where have you put my gun? And please, calm ze hell down, you're giving me a verdammt headache."
While Twilight continued to suffer from her nerdgasm, Rainbow poked Hitler with a hoof. "You better not try anything funny, buster. I don't care what you are, you don't hurt my friends got it?"
Hitler scoffed and nodded. "Ja, I understand. I see no reason why I should hurt your friends, or you, after all." After saying this, he located his gun on a table nearby, and grabbed it, before shoving it back into its holster. "Zere we go, now I can feel safe."
Twilight had recovered a bit of her self control, and looked at Hitler. "Are you going outside? I don't think that'd be a great idea, given how you're an alien. You don't know how ponies will react!"
Hitler scoffed again, gesturing to his gun. "I am very certain I can deal with a few crazy talking horses."
Ten minutes later
If Hitler had known how wrong he was, or that he'd have been transported to a land filled with magic, flying, and talking horses, he'd have brought more bullets, or a Sturmgewehr.
It turns out that being surrounded by colorful ponies near the center of a town of ponies was not a pleasant way to be greeted to a new world. Hitler tried getting them to get away by waving his Luger at them, but they appeared either to not care or not know what a gun was. Most of them were rather angry at him, apparently for 'being mean to Derpy', whoever that was. He assumed it was the muffin-pony. There were a few that were just curious as to what he was, and those he could tolerate.
"Get back, get back!" Hitler shouted, poking one angry pony's nose with the gun. "Get away from me you wild animals! Zis is not how Hitler dies!"
Of course, his shouts did nothing to quell the mob of angry horses. So, with no other option, he raised his gun up, and pulled the trigger. The resulting blast of the gun scattered all but the most courageous of the mob, leaving Hitler free to run away as fast as his legs could carry him. Which was rather fast, as he wasn't one to forget that retreat is the better part of valor.
"AHHHHH!"
Hitler was the one who screamed, because why wouldn't he scream after escaping a mob of angry little horses? 'Why ze hell are they so SCARY?! They're just little tiny horses! I am der Fuhrer, I should not be fearing some colorful horses!'
Drawn to the sound of the gunshot, Rainbow Dash flew overhead, and upon spotting the human running away she dived after him. "Oh no you don't!" she shouted as she tackled him from above, bringing them both crashing to the ground in a tangle of limbs.
"Scheisse, was machst du gerade?!" Hitler shouted, trying to untangle himself and get his gun.
"I don't speak alienese, bucko!" Rainbow retorted, latching onto the human tightly. "You're going nowhere!"
"Just let me go! I want to die with dignity, not by some angry colorful horses! Where is Stalin when you WANT him?!"
Just then, because the author of this work decided it was getting too long, the entire eastern sky lit up in a bright blaze of red light, as a hammer and sickle slowly began to materialize in the center. Soviet music began to play rather loudly, and Stalin could be seen leading a large group of T-34 tanks that were heading straight for mister Hitler.
"...mein Gott... I should have kept my mouth shut," Hitler muttered, before trying to pull Rainbow off of him with his bare hands. "Get your fat blue butt off of me, you rainbow-maned horse!"
Rainbow, being a smol blue poner, was pulled off rather easily. "Hey! Put me down!" she shouted, flailing about.
Hitler obliged, dropping her unceremoniously on the ground before brushing off his suit and starting to walk towards where Stalin and his army was. "Stalin!" he yelled, "Long time no see, mein freund! How is ze Soviet Union doing?"
Stalin stroked his Stalin-stache and pulled his Tokarev on Hitler. "You know we are not friends, Hitler," he stated rather coldly. "Now, are you ready to die?"
Hitler pulled his Luger from its holster and leveled it at Stalin. "Haha, I should say ze same for you! It's a duel, then!"
As all this went down, the citizens of Ponyville watched from a distance because it's not every day you see a giant Communist flag in the sky as well as a lot of alien tanks in the distance.
Stalin laughed, in Russian. "We shall see who wins!" He started counting. "Three, two, one-"
His counting was cut off by Hitler shooting him in the chest, his coat billowing from the force and his expression changing from one of amusement, to one of surprise and shock, to one of amusement again. "Axaxa, you think a bullet can stop me? I am made of Stalinium! Axaxaxaxa!" Stalin laughed heartily, and shot Hitler in the brain. "Communism for the win!"
And that is how this story ends, with a Soviet takeover of Equestria.
The end.
Author's Note
I both apologize and refuse to apologize for this.
Written as my one-year anniversary surprise! Hope you thought it was amusing, or slightly funny! Feel free to comment because, as one of my favorite fanfic authors here puts it, "Comments are an author's food pellets."
