The (un)Life and Times Of Specter Shift

by MrNumbers

Rating: everyone
Tags: Romance, Comedy, Slice of Life
Length: 25138

A lonely pony tries to find solace in some like minded friends.

Specter Shift is not a normal pony. Unfortunately.

Turns out having power beyond your wildest nightmares only serves to isolate you.
What does a pony do when they have the power over life and death itself, but all they want is a friend?

Obviously the first answer is talk to Twilight Sparkle.

Things don't exactly turn out well for anyone involved.

With great power comes great irresponsibility.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-30 18:00:11 UTC

A Shift in Perspective

The unicorns that inhabit Equestria are famous for their undiluted power. Telekinesis is literally an afterthought for them in every sense of the world. These unicorns harness magic, making the very laws of the universe sit still and shut up for a few minutes, as something trivial and mundane.

Some unicorns are relatively weak and untrained. Other, more famous unicorns, like Twilight Sparkle, have the power to raze entire cities and level mountains if they so wished. These ponies are even able to move ethereal creatures of dark matter itself, as in the infamous case of the Ursa Minor.

Even they , though, do not have the power of a select few Earth ponies.

Earth ponies are far more passive than their horned counterparts. Humble, hardworking and durable, their natural magic makes them very good at their select professions.

They achieve this by harnessing the natural background magic of Equestria itself. Earth magic. The magic of the planet.

These magics are strictly off limits to unicorns, who deal with the power in its purer form, undiluted in potential. This gives them immediate advantages, of course, but it blocks from their ken the ability to tap into one of the very most fundamental powers of the universe that some of their Earth brethren can.

That force is the force of life, and death, itself.

Some select few Earth ponies are forces to be reckoned with, untouchable by conventional magic, almost immortal and having the power over life and death itself in the same way that unicorns lift everyday objects with ease.

These individuals are to be feared, machines of literal death and carnage.

Lurking in the Everfree forest we find one such pony, a pony away from society. In his self imposed exile he practices his obscene power.

Who knows what this pony is capable of? Who knows what this pony could do if he let his guard down for even a second?

"Hmm, I think it needs a bit more basil... What do you think, Skully?

This is where our story begins, on a completely uneventful day for one Specter Shift.

"Sorry, Speckle, I can'nae help ye there, I ain't got nae tongue of which to help. It's been many a year since I last cooked myself, Specky boy."

Specter Shift appraised the skull sitting next to the hissing and frothing stew pot. The skull itself was named Skully, he was a sucker for puns, but the occupants seemed to have preferred habitations. Thus, he found himself in the kitchen with Skully the skull, currently occupied by the famous late Chef Ramsea.

Specter, an otherwise ordinary grey earth pony, had found that the best tutors tended to be the ones who had literally lifetimes of experience.

They tended to be dirt cheap, too.

"I suppose I could find a more recent head with a tongue but-" Specter flinched at the thought, "I don't think that would be all too comfortable for either of us. Besides, I don't want to mop up what you drink after it passes through. Ew. Ew ew ew ew *ew***."

"Aye, lad, I get the point. A pinch more basil it is, bu' only a wee bit. 'tis a very delicate broth ye chose here."

"Well, as the saying goes, quickest way to a mare's heart is through her stomach and all that."

Skullduggery the skeleton piped up from the next room. Again.

"Bah! The truest way is through the ribcage, fool! Have you learned nothing from our lessons?"

"For the last time, I want to befriend the lady, not kebab her... Actually, Skully, a lovely tomato, garlic and onion kebab would probably go rather well with this, don't you think?"

"Aye, lad, we'll make a chef of you yet!"

"I'm really glad you're here to help with these lessons, Skully... I mean, being away from your afterlife just to help-"

"Och, lad, enough," Cried Skully, "I be here of me own free will. I cannae thank ye enough for pulling me out of that blasted purgatory."

"Oh? And why's that?"

"My wife joined me nae but a few weeks ago. Took her sweet time, I tell ye, bu' some of me, er, fans of the female persuasion weren't so slow if ye catch me drift."

"Ah," Specter nodded knowingly, "I do indeed. Now, do you think Cous Cous would go well with this or-"

"Do ye want the lass to think ye be gay?!"

"Err... I prefer 'sensitive' and 'understanding..."

"Le' me correct myself then, lad. Do ye want me to think ye be a flamin' poofter?"

"Err, no Cous Cous it is then."

"Thatta boy."

"He has insulted your honour, my liege!" Skullduggery rattled off from the ironically named living room, "Defend your dignity, sire! Unleash your fury! Fight the noble-"

Skully sighed, notable in the sense that Skully didn't, in fact, have lungs. Specter screwed his eyes shut and felt the familiar pulsing in his temples. Skulldugery never finished his sentence before-

Well, usually Specter is polite enough to say goodbye, it didn't do well at all to be rude to his guests. Skullduggery was an exception, however.

"Och, lad, I dinnae understand why you keep 'im around."

"Oh, Skullduggery isn't all that bad. He's just a bit eccentric, when you get down to the bare bones of it." Specter chuckled at his own pun. "He's great for helping me learn to be a bit more assertive."

"Lad, I dinnae think you should be takin' lessons from him about personality."

"Err... I don't. He's just the only one of my friends that cheeses me off enough that I can work up the nerve to tell him to go away."

"Ah. Aye."

The broth finally slowed its simmering as a chill wind blew out the fire beneath it.

Having incorporeal friends was pretty cool like that, sometimes. Other times it meant looking for the open window in the middle of the night and not finding any, because some spirits liked a good prank.

Oh, well, it was only fair. He disturbed their rest, after all.

"So, Skully, this must be pretty lame for you, huh? Giving private lessons to some kid like me instead of being with your, er, wife? I mean, you're the great Chef Ramsea! Wouldn't you rather be cooking meals for, like, Kings?"

"Aye, ye'd think so lad, but nae. This is how I like my afterlife for now. Relaxin', no worries, good company. Makin lovely homecooked meals, sort of, with no real pressure. Not surrounded by buckin' incompetent ingrates.

Aye, lad, ye listen. Ye be a nice lad, ye give yeself too little credit. Now, remember, applewood bowl to store it in, it holds the broth nicely and lets it soak up some of the natural flavour ye got there."

"Err... Could you stop with the ye's? I geddit', you have an accent."

Skully would have raised an eyebrow. Let's leave it at that.

"What ye be talkin' about? Wha' accent?"

Sigh.

"Sorry, Speckles, could you send me off now? Not that I don' appreciate our little lessons together but, er, me wife has me on a bi' of a curfew... Normally, t'aint a problem but... She foun' me titanium rollin' pin again."

"Ah! Yes sir! Might I recommend a box of those Rosewater Delights she loves so very much?"

"Aye... Tha' should probably keep the heat down to a simmer for a while... Thanks, Speckles."

'Speckles' snapped off a mock salute. He could swear that Skully was grinning at him, well, more than usual before he scrunched his eyes shut and sent him on his way.

A lone, unmoving skull sat in the place of the animated Skully.

Specter Shift sighed, and took a small sip from the broth.

Hmm... Yeah, the basil would definitely have been a bit too much. At least I have all the ingredients for the kebabs!

And with that Specter trotted off into the little garden he kept outside his cottage by the caves. The whitewashed fence still gleamed with craftman's pride, a stark contrast to the horrors that lay beyond it, and the tight, checkerboard-like garden was filled with bright, cheery plants, obviously in season. Their fruit bulged and gleamed with ripeness, as they always did.

He could grow all his own food and supply himself generously, but at the cost of not being able to not be able to trot through the markets to buy or sell anything without causing some form of mass hysteria. Having powers over life and death was sort of like that, he guessed.

The pony was always a little melancholy when his friends had all left him. Oh, sure, he could summon some of the others but he also realized, deep down, that talking to nothing but dead ponies wasn't exactly healthy.

Well, less for me than others, but still. At least the dead talk back when I do it. Usually.

Some of them are quite stubborn, for reanimated spirits.

The garden was neatly arranged to the advice of Headstrong, a little ornament in his garden he used to channel an old Roamin stallion who had taught him the ways of crop rotation. He also taught him how to make that lovely little cobblestone path to his mailbox.

Not that he got much mail, of course. It was merely the principal of the thing.

Turns out that crop rotating didn't actually mean just twisting the plants around every now and again. Who'd have guessed?

As eager as he was to talk to a good friend like Aegis Shield, Specter merely frowned and collected his ingredients.

Today, today he would venture off to Ponyville.

Today he was going to make some living friends.

He hoped.

Sighing, the lonely grey poney with the tussled black mane trotted back inside to make his completely masculine kebabs in silence.

Dead silence.

Specter Shift trotted up to the library treehouse, home to thousands of books and one aforementioned Twilight Sparkle. Like most ponies that didn't immediately run away at the sight of him, Twilight didn't know what he could 'do'.

Specter had, not that he would ever admit it, a teensy, tiny, all-consuming massive crush on Twilight.

He wasn't going to risk their friendship, though.

Twilight was one of the very few genuinely living ponies that Specter could call himself friends with. An unlikely chance at something more than that wasn't worth the risk of further exiling him.

Skullduggery had given him no end of grief for it though.

"Take her! Take her and claim her as your own! Ravage her! Make her scream into the pillow! No regret, no hesitation, no protection! She shall bear your mighty foals and-"

Eeyup. Eenope.

Not that telling you any of this was necessary. This would all have been self explanatory in scant seconds, for as this exposition was happening Specter 'Speckles' Shift had finally knocked on the door.

You can do this, Specter. I can do this. I can do this. She's only a super nice cute nerdy librarian wizard pony that is probably the only pony you can talk to nowadays without oh dear Celestia what am I doing?!

His legs became blocks of granite, completely unable to move. Traitors!. His heart was running laps around his chest and his brain was bouncing around his skull like a super-ball.

As the door opened it didn't reveal a perfectly groomed purple librarian. It instead showed a scruffy, slouching purple dragon.

"Oh, hey Spike!" Specter said just a little too loudly, "Is Twilight in? Or, home? Or working? I mean, I know she lives and works here, so I'm not sure which she'd be doing, I hope I'm not interrupting!" The stallion was barely pausing between words at this point. "Oh, geeze, she isn't busy is she? IknowhowmuchshehatesitwhenshegetsdisturbedbypeopleIshouldprobablygonowokaythanksbye."

As he tried to turn and run as fast as he could back into the Everfree forest, probably running across ponies headed in the opposite direction at the same speed, his traitorous legs refused to move and he started to keel over, completely rigid.

Would it be worse if I landed in the soup, or if the soup landed on me? Oh, who am I kidding, this is going to hurt like Tartarus either way, I just hope it still tastes as good as I remember.

Now, it's incorrect to say that the stallion fell over. It is far more accurate to say he went from vertical to horizontal on the right side. If it weren't for the purple aura enveloping him, and all the provisions precariously balanced on his back, he would simply have been more down to earth than he was comfortable with.

As it was he was stuck, in a perfect posture, hovering at a 45 degree angle to the ground.

There was Twilight Sparkle, a small, worried smile on her face as Specter grinned a broad, goofy grin at her. Specter chuckled his best not-awkward-at-all chuckle.

"Oh, hey Twilight! Looks like I'm really falling for you, huh?" Oh, by Nightmare's Full Moon, did I just say that? *Did I really just say that?!***

Twilight just let out a soft giggle and blushed faintly as she corrected Specter and floated the food from the various states of gravitational entropy into a neat, orderly meal setting.

Okay, she didn't mind! Good, good! Now, talk to her. Nod. Good pony, now... Oh no, make eye contact, make eye contact! NO! *TOO MUCH EYE CONTACT!** Look away and, no, too obvious, just-*

Oh no, the story just got sad, *stop smiling.***

Why aren't you making eye contact?!

NO! NO! TOO MUCH! YOU'RE BEING CREEPY!

"So, yeah! I'm just really glad you could come over. This smells great! what is it?"

Specter took a deep breath and a sigh.

You can do this. It's not rocket surgery.

"Oh, it's nothing, just... Just something I whipped up in the kitchen..."

The mare opposite him dropped her jaw.

"What? You made this?"

Oh, buck, she doesn't like it,,, Or does she like it a lot?! Try being non-committal! But not too non-committal, you don't want to seem arrogant!

"Yeah it's... It's nothing special. I mean, it's just, something I thought would be nice, you know?"

Perfect!

...More eye contact, darn it!**

Twilight beamed and nodded with a friendly smile adorning her face. Of course, Twilight nodded in the rapid head bob that comes so naturally to those who get passionately excited by so much in their lives.

To Specter this was one part cute and endearing to three parts disorientating. He had forgotten to stop making eye contact.

Specter did remember to keep all limbs together until the room was no longer in motion. This took uncomfortably long, especially for Twilight, who had stopped nodding a few seconds ago and noticed that Specter looked slightly green.

Well, greener.

"Are... are you okay?"

Aww, she's concerned about me... Specter smiled dreamily. Wait, why is that a good thing? Yeah, I would be concerned about me too...

"Equestria to Specter, Equestria to Specter, come in Specter." Twilight giggled.

Specter blinked and shook his head, horizontally of course, until the pretty stars and swirls swam out of his vision.

Now was not the time for prettiness! Now was the time for Twilight!

Admittedly those things weren't entirely mutually exclusive, but still.

"Err, sorry, I'm totally okay..." And when you're around, maybe a little better.

"You look like you're off in your own little world there, Specter."

"It's more of a time-share, really." And now a totally not-worried giggle from Twilight. Solid recovery!

"You know, it's strange. You were like this when we met and, I swear, it felt like we'd met before..." Twilight sipped at her broth in thought.

"I guess I'm just one of those faces, I guess."  Specter was sweating bullets.

"Ha! You're pretty unique, though. There aren't many ponies I could confuse you for."

"Well, you must have. Better not think too hard about it." Maybe a sincere grin would sell it?

"It wouldn't be the first time some pony told me to think less," Twilight grumbled, "So I guess maybe you have a- Specter."

"Yes, Twilight?"

"Your eyes are twitching."

"Are they? I hadn't noticed. I mean, I can't look at my own eyes, can I?"

Twilight beamed. Please don't say you have a spell for tha-

"Actually, I have just the spell for that if you-"

"No! No, no, I think I'm perfectly fine, I think." Twilight looked disappointed. It positively broke his heart. Disappointing Twilight was like kicking a puppy!

Quick! Change the subject!

"But, uh, what were we saying before?" He tried to distract his guilty conscience by stuffing his face with tasty, tasty food. Fortunately he had the metabolism to support occasional comfort eating, so he picked up one of the probably-manlier-than-the-alternative gourmet kebabs and opened his mouth to take a slow bite, to savor it.

"I was just thinking where I knew you from."

Started mouth clamped shut on the skewer. It was painfully delicious as well as painfully painful, not the thing he wanted to savor at all....Oh, buck.

"Oh, now I remember!" Twilight's eyes widened at the sudden realization. "I was walking to Zecora's and then..." Her eyes winced in thought.

Oh. Buck. Nonononono-

Now her eyes slammed open in realization and, as Specter Shift had dreaded and expected, fear.

I can't believe it took her a whole week to remember that. I mean, it's been a while, but dying isn't something many ponies forget.

"And then... I saw the cockatrice." Twilight looked him dead in the eye, as if gazing into his very soul. The one time I don't forget to make eye contact. "That's when I saw you..."

"Ha! That's a good joke!" Breaking eye contact by gazing around shiftily at all the nearest exits, smooth as silk. "You can't have seen me, silly, you were-"

"Dead?" Twilight finished lamely. "I guess I was. Never thought of it like that until now, though, I guess."

Gulp. So, do I run out the front door, or dive out the window? She might not chase me out the latter,  but the former is significantly less painful...He mulled it over. And less cool, I guess. Might be a bit fun actually.

"So what? You're saying that we just, I dunno, had a nice chat whilst you were 'otherwise living'?" he laughed nervously.

"Oh, no, not at all." Twilight grinned weakly.

Oh. Maybe she-

"I think we also had tea."

N'aww, she remembers- Oh, bad thing, right.

"Alright, you caught me. I know the drill." Specter sighed, rising from his seat. "If our friendship over the past week has meant anything to you at all, you'll allow me a thirty second head start before you start chasing me with a pitchfork or something."

"...Pitchfork? You seem to have very low standards of friendship, there."  Her expression was unreadable.

She's right. None of the other ponies could shoot friggin' laserbeams. Why would she need a pitchfork? Maybe if I held up a mirror? Oh, wait, telekinesis... Well...

Buck.

"Huh. Is forty five seconds too much to ask instead, then?"

Twilight just stared. Specter prayed to Celestia that she wasn't eating into his escape time.

Wait! That's it! He knew how the perfect solution!

Crash!

"Eugh..."

"Now, tell me again; Why did you just jump out my window, you silly, crazy pony? This is the sort of stuff I'd expect from Rainbow Dash, maybe Pinkie P- Oh, who am I kidding, definitely from Pinkie Pie, but you? You seem too-"

"Mild? Boring? Timid?" Specter supplied.

"Well, I was going to say normal but that works too."

"Normal ponies don't talk to dead ponies! Specter yelled in frustration, clamping his hooves over his mouth seconds later, trying with all his might to cram the words back in.

"Hey, calm down, really." Specter melted under that soft smile, the weight of his many, many bandages melting away.

Turns out glass is a lot less fragile than movies make it seem. "I used to be worried about stuff like that too, Specter, really. 'If I show my friends how powerful I am they'll all hate me', right? True friends will just be happy for you, and share in your accomplishments." Twilight nuzzled him softly, reassuringly. Specter could have died right then.

Well, actually he couldn't, but he felt like he could.

"You're the first pony to have seen it that way, actually." Specter muttered. "Most other ponies see me and, well, grab their pitchforks. Turns out they don't want to talk to a walking existential crisis."

"What? That's ridiculous! You can't be seri-"

Specter cut her off. "Twilight, when was Ponyville established?"

"About three generations ago, why?"

"I've tried to come, talk to ponies, make friends four times since then, and every single time they've run me out with an angry mob, screaming for my blood."

"You can't be serious, Ponyville? Pitchforks?"

"Well, one time they used brooms, but I think they tried to sweep that one under the rug." Specter grinned at his own weak joke.

"Well, I haven't- Wait, three generations? You're three generations old? But... You don't look much older than a college student!"

"Hey, I'm not that slow a learner."

Twilight rolled her eyes. "I meant you don't look like Granny Smith for somepony that would have to be even older than her."

"Ah, Granny Smith... I remember back when she was as old as little Applebloom is now. She looked so adorable in that bunny costume, as hard as that is to believe." Specter sighed at the memory. "She had rather agreeable folks, actually. Didn't come after me at all. Oh, sure, they didn't exactly stand up for me either, but that's still better than most."

"So, you're honestly saying that..." Twilight left the question hanging in the still library air.

"About 5 generations, actually. That soup there? Took me a good seven years to make that." He paused and gazed thoughtfully up at the ceiling. "Well, not that soup, I made that this morning. Wouldn't be particularly appetizing if it was a few years old and I didn't even refrigerate it, I think. Just learning to cook, I mean."

"You spent seven years learning to cook? Where did you learn?" Twilight spoke slowly, still processing the amount of raw data being given to her.

"Oh, books, mostly. The rest of the time I just ask very nicely and some friends show me how. Flock Goosetoe, Chef Ramsea, Martini Oliver, they're all really nice ponies, really. Well, Ramsea has his quirks and keeps calling Martini a 'flamin' poof' whatever that means, but I think it's just because he's jealous, really." The grey pony nodded sagely.

"You knew Goosetoe? Ramsea? Those were some of the greatest chefs in Equestria! How could you possibly-" Twilight's eyes widened in shock as she did some maths. Whilst maths was not her strongest skillset she could still work out that- "You said you've been learning for seven years and Goosetoe has been dead for over fifty."

"Wait? You- Oh. Oh!" Specter let out another defeated sigh, his hopes dashed once more that some pony would finally not run screaming at the sight of him. "Twilight, what do you think I actually do?"

"Well, you live in the Everfree, I guess, so I thought maybe ponies treated you the same as Zecora. Why are you so surprised I'm not scared of you, even if you are old? Maybe it's just some plant in the Everfree that nopony knows about."

Twilight said, more to reassure herself than anything it seemed.

"Twilight Sparkle... I talk to dead ponies."

Twilight laughed, but there was a tinge of nervousness, as though she were afraid of the ridiculous pony mummified in the bandages before her. Of course she would be.

"Really, though? You can't be serious."

"It's true. You have your tea with milk and two sugars. You have nightmares about disappointing Princess Celestia, You eat cake from the thin end to thick, one spoonful at a time, making sure to get the same ratio of frosting to cake with each bite."

"That's, well, that's right, but anypony could have guessed that about me. What does this have-"

He cut her off once more, pressing ahead despite himself.

"Your deepest, darkest secret is that once, when you were a filly, you broke a birds neck when you were trying to pet it and you didn't know your own magical strength. He's forgiven you, by the way, and yes it was a he."

Specter paused and considered his next words carefully, granted a brief respite by Twilight's shock.

"You're also really cute when you talk about a book you've just read."

In for a bit, after all.

Twilight blushed slightly, "I'm...  I'm flattered, really, but how do you know this? All this?"

"Twilight, what you remember, having tea with me when that cockatrice got you, that wasn't a dream."

Please, please don't make me jump out a window again, that really hurt. I couldn't see through that window plan last time. Specter grinned at his own lame joke, despite realizing it probably wasn't helping his 'I'm not insane, honest' case.

"You were dead, and you weren't gone for long, but you happened to pass by my house. We had a delightful lunch, and now, you aren't dead, but I really liked the lunch part. It was a lot more important than the dead part, to me. For you, probably not so much, I guess that's relative."

Specter realized he was probably babbling, but he couldn't help himself.

"The thing is, I thought maybe, just maybe, I found a pony that wasn't terrified of me. But when we met again and you didn't remember me, I still thought maybe, if you had forgotten, I wouldn't have to and I could still just be me around somepony."

Again Twilight smiled that sad, soft smile. Why did she have to be so Celestia thrice damned nice. She was making this so much harder than it needed to be. Just, dump him in the woods, just run, run like all the others had, run and hide and never see him again, never-

This time it was Twilight who cut Specter off with a gentle nuzzle, and it was then that Specter realized he was crying.

Damn it, maybe Ramsea was right, he needed to man up.

"It's fine, really. I'm used to it. Just, I don't know, leave me be. I'll be alright."

Alright, she might have just bought that if my voice hadn't cracked like fine china dropped off a Canterlot spire.

With a voice as soft and kind as a mother to her babe came Twilight's honest reply.

"Now why would I be afraid of a silly pony like you?"

"In a word? Zombies." Specter scoffed.

Twilight leaned back into focus, eyebrow raised.

"Need I ask?"

"Oh, you would have found out eventually anyway. Again, no matter what happens next, could you still promise me that head start?"

Twilight rolled her eyes again. "Again, low standards. But sure, I guess I owe you that much, based on what you've told me." Her tone softened again, "Apparently you feel you've taken a real risk here, haven't you?"

Spectral nodded, slowly, imagining all the possible ways a pony could be shot with a laser.

ARGH! MY EYE!

"Twilight Sparkle, meet Black Velvet." Specter felt the familiar throb of his temples as he made the call.

"Black Velvet?"

"Aw, Sprinkles, don't you remember your-"

"Gran-Gran!" Twilight jumped, whipping her head around to look for the source. "Where are you? Mum said you moved far, far away.!"

"I guess you could say that, dearie, I guess you could." And it was then that Twilight stared in horror as she finally identified Grandma Velvet.

Twilight screamed.

"A hug would be more appreciated, love." The book on her nightstand muttered.

A shift in Location

"Why is a book talking to me?"

Specter sighed.

"Well, I usually use something a little more conventional, but in a pinch books work. Besides," He grinned in spite himself, "You love her, you love books, now you can love both at the same time, right?"

Twilight took a step back. Somehow the book managed to look... Disappointed? Surely that was just a trick of the light.

"Just because I love tomatoes and ice cream doesn't mean I want it as a flavour."

"Funny story, tomato was actually the first flavour of ice cream."

"I would probably find that a lot more interesting were Gran-Gran not a talking book right now."

"Everyone's a critic" The stallion muttered.

"So, Twinkle," The book spoke in a nurturing, motherly tone, carrying with it the subtle, unspoken promise of freshly baked cookies for good little fillies. How a book would accomplish baking was anypony's guess, but little old grannies work in mysterious ways. "When are you planning on giving me another grandchild, hmm? I'm not getting any younger, you know." The book chuckled, the dry pages rubbing softly against each other as the spine shuddered from the unseen force.

"About that, Gran-Gran," Twilight blushed furiously, glancing at Specter, whose eyes widened like deer caught in headlights, were Equestria to have non-sentient deer and headlights. "I'm, er-"

"Yes, yes, out with it dear!" The book tilted forward in anticipation, creasing the spine. Huh, I guess even as disembodied spirits old people had fragile backs, who knew?

"You'll have to talk to Shining and Cadence about that because I'm sort of into mares." She trailed off, refusing to look her Grandma in the title.

"Speak up, dear, these old ears aren't what they used to be!" The book wiggled one of it's corners.

"I um... I said I'm... I'm sort of into mares."

"One more time Twinkle?"

"I like other fillies, okay, Grandma!" Twilight blurted out, glowing red as a tomato.

"Oh... Oh, dear, Twinkle, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean anything by it, you know that, right?" The book cooed soothingly, even as Specter tried to pick his jaw off the floor.

"I... I know Gran-Gran." Twilight sniffled.

"Oh, hey, kiddo, it's alright, I'll always, always,love you no matter what, right? Now, come give your old Nanna a hug, eh?" The faux-leather bound book flapped a little, gesturing vaguely.

Twilight stared at her 'Grandmother', wiping away a tear. "Um, if it's all the same to you, Gran-Gran?"

"Oh, right, no arms." Black Velvet chuckled at her own Faux-pas. "Ah, well, maybe you can hug that spunky stallion over there instead, hmm?" She waggled her cover suggestively.

Specter flinched. "Err, Grandma Velvet, you do realize how awkward that could be, hmm? What with the whole "I'm not a filly" thing, brought to light mere seconds ago?"

Protip: 'Coming out' to your dead grandma is always awkward. Always. Being in the same room as that makes things awkward by proximity alone. It's contagious.

"Oh, I know," The book let out a dusty sigh, "But, you know, I just want to pinch your little cheeks, you're just so adorable!"

Twilight grinned, too, "He sort of is, isn't he?" She asked as she nuzzled him.

Ha! She likes me! Wait... Aw, horse-apples, sometimes I curse being so well endowed...

"So..." The voice from the nightstand whispered conspiratorially, "Who's the lucky mare, hmm?"

"Rainbow Dash?" Specter suggested.

"What? Rainbow Dash? Oh, no, she has to be the straightest pony I know!" Twilight giggled, warming up to the humor of the situation after the initial awkwardness.

"Really?" Specter deadpanned, before catching the stern look the librarian shot him. "Oh! I mean, really? of course she is, of course."

"No, she's pretty cute, though, if you're into the whole athletic, body of a goddess, flank of steel thing..." Twilight admitted.

"Twilight, you're drooling." Specter muttered, resigned to his fate of eternal singleness.

Twilight let out a short squeak of embarassment, clamping her mouth shut fast. Too fast."

"Ow... I bi' mah tung..."

"Huh," The book rejoined, "That's an odd name for a mare. Or a stallion, come to think of it."

"Wha' is, Appell-jah?" Twilight's mouth started before her brain could stop it.

"Applejack?" Specter squeaked. Oh, boy.

Twilight's eyes widened in horror. "Oh, you meant "Mah tung", and had absolutely no reason to think I'm harboring a crush on Applejack at all, did you?"

"Eenope." Specter shook his head, slowly, leaving a very confused book alone on the nightstand trying to work out who "Applejack" was.

"What? She's honest, hard-working, great with kids, wise beyond her years..."

"Flanks that put Rainbow's to shame?" Specter opined.

Twilight nodded in thought before catching herself and shaking her head profusely, blushing so red that her crush might have thought maybe she might have been ripe.

Specter carried on that metaphor to it's inevitable conclusion.

Huh, maybe it's Twilight bucking time for App- Nope. Nope, nope, did NOT just think that.

"So!" he called out, a little too loudly, "Applejack is Granny Smith's grandaughter. You might know her, Miss Velvet, she's Royal Gala's cousin?"

If the book had eyes they would have sparkled. As it was the gold embossing on the title sparkled a little more.

"Oh, Royal Gala. She was the most delightful spunky mare you'll never meet." She chuckled at her own dark humor.

"Gorgeous red mare with the most beautiful green mane to be caught in Equestria's breeze... I could see why you might have a horn-on, oh don't look at me like that, your Gran-Gran's been around the block more than you'd like to know, anyway, a horn-on for anypony like that. Heck, I'm straighter than Luna's alibi, and even I considered making a pass or two at that mare..." The book somehow managed to sigh wistfully, despite having no lungs.

Twilight tried, bless her heart she tried, to not be overwhelmed with the mental images. Ultimately, she failed.

"Specter?"

"Yes, Twilight?"

"I now officially understand why you give some ponies the heebie-jeebies."

"Should I run?"

"No. No, just... Could you please ask Gran-Gran to refrain from giving me nightmares."

"Ooh, but Twillie-pie, I could teach you all the best techniques! Your grandpa was so good at giving-"

"Damn it, Specter, please, this is not how I want to remember my Gran Gran."

"Hey!" Specter sounded vaguely offended, "I don't want to, either, but I don't mess with free will."

"Wait, you can mess with free will?" Both the other occupants stared at him simultaneously.

"Wait, neither of you knew that?"

The book and the unicorn shook slowly, their binding and head respectively.

"Oh. Well, I can. not that I do. Ever." Twilight took a fearful step back from him, the word 'Zombie' playing over and over in her mind from earlier. The book managed to just look concerned. more impressively it managed to look concerned in a motherly fashion. That's little old grannies for you, really.

"I'm sorry, Specter, but that doesn't exactly make me feel safe around you. I want to trust you, I really do, but I'm just starting to realize how much I don't know about you."

"Oh, thank Celestia!" Specter breathed in relief, much to the confusion of the rooms other occupants. "We're back in familiar territory for me, now. I think I know exactly what to do!"

*CRASH*

Twilight stared out the shattered window frame. At least his bandages managed to protect him from the worst of the damage this time.

"Well, that's two broken windows for Spike to snack on later." She mumbled. What a powerful, neurotic friend she had here. She supposed she would have to be a fairly gigantic hypocrite to-

Wait. Spike.

"Gran-Gran, you still there?"

"Hmm? Oh, yes dearie, I was hoping you hadn't forgotten about me in the excitement."

"How would you like to meet my mentor? I'm sure you've heard of her."

"Your mentor? Oh, you sound so grown up, my precious little Twinkle. Tell me, tell, who is it? Hawkwing? SayAgain? Wait, did you say 'her'? Oh, no, Twilight, I'm not worthy-"

"Gran-Gran, I think you and the Princess might have a lot to talk about."

Twilight gazed out into the Everfree, after the ridiculous fleeing pony who had managed to trip over his bandages three times before he had even cleared past the end of the street.

"I think I have a pony to apologize to, too."

"Ga-arghhhhh- *Huff* arrghhhhhhhh! *Pant* ghhhhhhhhhhh *Wheeze*"

Ah, the old routine. Run away screaming, great exercise, good for the lungs.

The fleeing stallion would have felt a little sillier, running away from nopony, but of the same turn of the coin that meant there was nopony here to judge him for his-

*Thud*

"Oof!" Specter uttered with all the dignity one could muster after running, eyes wide shut, from nothing specifically, screaming like a 'wee little lassie, ye idjit' as Ramsea would have phrased it.

Slowly Specter opened an eye. Blurry, but functional. Okay, so he might not have to learn braille. Braille was... Difficult with hooves.

He then proceeded to open the other one, the forest canopy swimming into focus around him. Specter felt like he was fighting the current to stay afloat in his own consciousness.

At once the source revealed itself. Not for the first time today Specter's problems had come from his own thick skull.

This time, however, it wasn't a metaphor.

"Whah, eh, bwah?" His dignity only surpassed by his elegance in his groggy state.

"Ha. Wahaha. Wahahahahahahaha.** Fooolish pony, you have fallen into the hands, er, HOOVES!" The mysterious doppelganger corrected, "Of the infamous Changeling Wilhelm!"

Specter twitched his head. That is to say, the one that was attached to his own neck, and not his head that was staring at him.

"Changeling Wil- nope, never heard of you. Pleased to meet you, though!" Specter gave a friendly smile, only slightly marred by the throbbing concussion. He moved to reach a hoof out for a friendly bro-hoof only to find his limbs were pinned by his assailant. Also he appeared to be on his back, on the ground.

It was a tad suss.

"Well, I did say infamous right?" The changeling said, as if more to reassure himself than to convince his poor victim, "I'm not regular famous yet. But soon all of Equestria will know my name, in bittersweet fear!" He shouted in triumph. Well, more squeaked. He seemed an oddly timid fellow, Specter mused, even by his standards.

It's strange how a good concussion seems to put things into perspective, actually.

"Bittersweet fear? How is that an actual thing?"  His voice completely genuine, his eyes shining with curiosity, the 'wrath' of the changeling couldn't help but settle down.  This wasn't working out how he had planned at all.

"Err... Well, you see, I'm a changeling. We sort of kidnap ponies and feed off other ponies love for you."

"Huh. Good luck, then, I've been trying the same thing myself all morning."

"You, wah?" The Changeling gawked in genuine confusion. "But, I saw you diving out that foul Twilight Sparkle's window! That is the truest sign of passionate love amongst ponies!"

"What, how does that-" The squeaky, broken cogs in Specter's brain ground together, agonizingly putting the pieces together. Oh, dear.

"Wilhelm, you said was your name, right?" The Changeling nodded nervously, all bravado lost to a puppy-like look of disappointment, "Well, when you saw a pony doing that, another pony would usually enter the house at the same time, right?" Again, another nod.

"Describe it." Specter spoke firmly with authority he didn't actually possess, let alone under the wright of his captor.

Fortunately his captor seemed to not notice such petty frivolities and glanced off, in thought.

"Well, there were two mares, one was blue and stripey, with a minty white stripe, and the other was green and bouncy. There was a lot of happy, lovey-dovey giggles and squeals. Then a pink, swirly pony came back and the blue stripey pony dived out the window, yelling "Buck, buck, buck!". She'd been saying that when she'd been giggling too, so I thought it was like, how ponies in love say goodbye! And now, I caught you, diving out Twilight Sparkle's window!"

Oh dear... I wonder if Bon-Bon knows about Lyra and Colgate. Poor girl... Wait, he thinks I'm doing *what** with Twilight?!*

"Oh, no, nonononono no." Specter paused for thought, letting one more 'No' roll out of the assembly line.

"You've got it all wrong, Wilhelm! Ponies don't do that when they're in love, well they are but it's a very specific kind of love! And I can't have that sort of love with Twilight, least of all because she's probably terrified of me."

"Wait, ponies are scared of you too?" The 'infamous' Changeling twitched his head questioningly.

"Err... Yeah, i guess?" Specter muttered hesitantly.

"Do they also run screaming at the sight of you and grab their torches and pitch-"

"-Forks, yeah, yeah they sort of do. Those things hurt, don't they?" Specter finished, sharing his pain with another lost soul it seemed.

The sad looking facsimilie seemed to melt in a gout of green flame, revealing the black chitinous insect that lay beneath the armour.

Specter learned something else that day: It turns out giant horrifying nightmare bugs cry, too.

"They broke through my exoskeleton with those things once! I'm all soft and squishy on the inside, despite my cold, hard, grizzled, sexy exterior." The changeling moped, the epitome of humility it seemed.

Specter hugged the strange creature in a comforting embrace, partially out of compassion, partially due to the fact that, despite dropping the disguise, Wilhelm had not exactly crawled off of him.

"It's not really fair, is it? You seem nice enough, once you get past the whole "Giant bug" thing." Specter nodded.

Changeling Wil sniffled, blowing his nose on Specter's coat. This was met with appropriate reactions of disgust and more sympathetic pats on the back.

"I-I-I also f-feed on p-ponies love..." the Changeling murmured. Oh, dear... That explained a few things.

"Yeah, well, I raise the friggin' dead, welcome to the 'creepy-weird-powers club'. You want to come back to my cottage? I mean, love's great and all, but I've got some great slow-cooked vegetables simmering away, maybe you could eat some food cooked with love instead?"

Oh dear Celestia that had to be mushier than the potatoes. Looks like th-

The Changeling wagged his tail appreciatively, shrinking drastically in size until he was about the size of a gibbous. Then, much like a gibbous, he nestled himself atop Specter's head, nuzzling into the mane.

Huh. it's going to be one of *those** days is it? Oh, well, at least I got a cool hat out of this. Better than that time the chimera ate me, for sure. That was a rough week and a half...*

So, adorned with the loudly snoring top-hat that was a rather curious spontaneous friendship born out of the fires of chance and extreme levels of bizarre, the biggest components of Specter's life to date it seemed, he strolled, not fled, to the cozy little cottage at the edge of the Everfree that he called home.

Specter smiled a small, private smile. Despite cuts, wounds, bruises, traumatization and being ogled by a dead granny in a book, at the end of it all, he'd made a friend, albeit a rather odd one.

A friend all the same, and that's all Specter really ever wanted.

His new friend purred softly from above his head. He made for a rather dashing top hat, actually. Friendship must be the new black

Fwoomph!

"Ah, another letter from my most faithful student. Hrm, what's this? A boo-"

"Oh, crunchy salted horse-apples, it really is you!

"GAH!" Celestia dropped the book in sheer fright.

"Oof... ooh, my old, aching bon- spine. I'm so sorry for startling you, Princess!"

"Luna! Luna!" Celestia screamed, never taking her eyes off the book.

"Bring fire!"

Black Velvet gulped.

A Shift in Priorities

"You know, it comes to mind that I haven't asked the most obvious question." Specter tried to roll his eyes up high enough to get a good look at his new accouterments. He could have probably used a mirror, but-

Mirrors weren't good news for ponies of his unique disposition.

So instead he was forced to accept he had a large bug-cum-hat and had absolutely no idea where it had come from, or, more importantly-

"Oh yeah?" The hat spoke in a raspy voice easily identifiable as the Changeling's, "What's that then?"

-more importantly "Why are you my hat, now, exactly?"

"Your head looked naked, of course," Came Wilhelm's matter-of-fact reply.

"I can't argue with that logic," Specter mused.

Even if I really, really want to. He finished mentally.

"It's just a bit odd, I guess."

"Well, I could be softer, if you want!" Wilhelm chirped eagerly, "And if I move my wings like so-"

Specter raised an eyebrow in suspicion. "You don't really have tooooOOOOOOooooh my-y-y-y...

His eyes unfocused and slowly crossed as the 'hat' practically melted around the contours of his head, vibrating in just the right spots.

In that glorious instance of pure bliss Specter Shiftcompletely forgave the strange-even-by-his-lofty-standards Changeling that had, only minutes ago, crash tackled him, assumed his identity and revealed his half-baked plans to siphon the love from the one pony he truly admired.

The fact that this implied the Changeling had thought he'd had a chance at all with Twilight Sparkle was deeply flattering and may have contributed to the decision.

The moment ended rather unceremoniously after Specter, so overwhelmed by cranial bliss, forgot that there were, in fact, other parts of his anatomy that needed some small amount of attention to retain basic functionality.

Other, trivial parts like his limbs.

He hit the ground, tongue lolling out the corner of his mouth, eyes scrunched shut in pure bliss, slamming open with the surprising impact and the loss of a small piece of heaven from his head.

"Wilhelm?"

The hat, now visible to Specter, lay beside him. It seemed to be leaking from the brim.

Or was it... Was it crying? Huh.

"I'm sorry!" it cried, "I'm so sorry, I'll never do it again, I promise!"

Oh dear, Wilhelm, if you say something like that you might make me cry too.

"Hey, hey, my fault, okay? I just wasn't expecting it, it was an accident. But, maybe, you could-" This is going to be the hardest thing I've said in my long, long life,"-Not do that again, for now, or whilst I need to concentrate? You're just way too good at that, it feels amazing, but it's a bit... Too amazing? Is that a thing?" Specter stared at the hat, studying it for any reaction.

The Changeling was literally brimming with relief, wagging his ribbon back and forth like a wagging tail. It was, undoubtedly, cute.

It was adorable. What an odd thing to think of a giant shapeshifting bug straight from Luna's own nightmares. Nightmare's nightmares?

Donning the hat, which seemed to be gently bobbing with joy, Specter felt happier than he had in years.

"Wilhelm, I have a feeling this is going to be a beautiful friendship."

Wilhelm broke out into an impromptu rendition of the Marexican hat dance, laughing with glee. Specter tottered back and forth, trying to keep the over-excited hat balanced upon his head.

Specter lifted his head and focused a little, sniffing the air. Smoke, spices and sweet fruits were nearby, clearly defined from the dank, mossy smelling undergrowth of the forest floor.

"Wil-Hat!" He called, "We're home!"

"H-home?" It whispered, voice filled with wonder.

Specter felt his head grow cold suddenly and there was a soft thud in the leafy brush beside him.

He just passed out from... Joy? Specter stared at the gibbous beside him.

"Well!" Specter said cheerfully, trotting along his path and unlocking the front door with the harsh KA-KLACK of a moving deadbolt, "You truly are an evil one, aren't you?"

The gibbous seemed to melt in green fire once more, causing Specter to shield his eyes with a hoof.

There was a soft buzzing noise. The stallion blinked, slowly forcing his eyes opened. Before him was a bright, technicolour beanie with a propeller on it. It bobbed happily in acknowledgement.

Specter sighed, though it was a happy sigh filled with amusement, as he opened the front door to let the changeling in.

Huh. Fighting 'pure evil' with nothing but kindness, honesty, generosity and whatever those other two were. Heh, I'm just like Twilight. He thought proudly. He thought a little more with a tight, worried frown.

Except, you know, a dude.

Nodding to himself he locked the door behind him and followed the beanie inside.

Who knows what strange ponies could be around?

"I am most sorry, Black Velvet," Luna spoke calmly, soothingly, "I have no idea what came over my dearest sister." She glared at the sheepish white alicorn huddled on the other side of the room.

"Oh, it's quite alright, dear. My goodness, you're Princess Luna, aren't you?" The book slipped effortlessly between 'doting grandma' and 'fan worship'.

"You know of me?" Luna was, frankly, amazed. Black Velvet was most certainly deceased by the time of her return.

"Oh, yes, dear, Glimmer Sparkle would go on for hours talking about her best friend, she did, she'd-" The little old book was stunned into silence as Luna charged the dusty tome, eyes bulging at the gilded title, thrusting her hooves around the cover and jerking it to head height, mouth agape. Celestia huddled tighter into her little corner, too scared to look, too shocked to look away.

"Glimmer Sparkle?! Glimmer Sparkle? Glimmer Sparkle?!" Luna babbled.

"My particularly great grandmother." The book confirmed. Whilst normal ponies would be frightened at being forcefully shaken by a flabbergasted princess, one with the power to move the very cosmos, death tended to put things into perspective.

Luna, in turn, just stared, grasping the book tighter.

"Whoah, there, Princess, ease up now dear." The book chuckled. "You break my spine and Twilight might just try to do her darnedest to return the favour. After all that trouble Specter went to-"

"Specter?"

"Now, please, stop interrupting, it isn't very ladylike, especially for somepony of your status." The book scolded, "Besides, I was getting to that. Oh, princess, Specter is just such a kind pony, really, it was because of him I got to meet my dearest granddaughter again." The book 'smiled' wistfully. "And meet both the royal princesses in the flesh. Shame I can't do the same for you, eh?" The pages rubbed together in an attempt at a dry chuckle. It was... hauntingly accurate.

Haunted being a key word there, it seems.

"I do apologize." Princess Luna gently lowered Black Velvet in as regal a manner as possible. "I am still learning to cope with such transgressions of mine, it seems. Now..." Luna stared meaningfully at her Sister, "Do tell us more about this 'Specter' pony."

Her features hardened. Celestia gulped.

"I do think we should like to meet him, rather soon at that."

"Hey, Specter, what does 'Oblivious' mean?"

"It's like, unaware, but it's more like naivety."

"Oh... What about naivety?"

"Naivety is that thing, my chitinous friend, I apparently was when I suspected teaching you to read would be a good idea."

"I realize this may undermine your point somewhat, but- what does chitinous mean?"

"It means we're starting off with the ones that have pictures in them." Specter sighed. He brightened, somewhat, when the top-hat-monocle combo perched on one of his house's many convenient skulls seemed to bubble over in frothing excitement.

'It's bizarre seeing something so cute act so innocently on something a lot of other ponies would consider macabre, but hey, c'est la vie-  Or, rather, c'est la mort, I guess.'

"What is that fancy-talk for?"

'Oh, bugger, I was thinking out loud again, wasn't I?'

'You're still doing it." The hat pointed out nervously, gesturing with its brim.

"Gurk!" Specter articulated precisely, "Thoughts, stay inside the head, stop trying to have a ménage la trois with mouth."

"What's a 'menage-la-trois?" The hat asked naively.

"Something I will never, in my long, fruitful life, ever have, but many changelings probably do daily." Specter nodded sagely, doing his best to hide his blushing.

"Well, I'm a changeling, want to have a ménage la trois with me?" The hat asked hopefully.

"I am surprisingly scaroused by that offer, Wil-hat," Specter's lower eyelid twitched subtly as he tried to retain eye contact with the monocle lens without burying his head in his hooves, "But maybe we should read some books, huh? Look, this one has bright colours and a little ducky!"

"I love duckies!" Wil-hat chirped.

"Of course you do." Specter sighed in relief, happy to be back on safer ground.

"They taste great with gravy!"

"This is going to be a long night, isn't it?" the pony massaged his throbbing temples furiously.

"Well, that's okay biffle-bestie-buddy, we can have a sleepover, only I don't have to sleep either, because I think you're pretty swell!"

"Th-That means a lot to me, WilHat." Specter flinched, completely caught off guard.

The hat, in reply, sneezed, launching a bubble pipe out from its depths. Catching it with the monocle chain and looping it around the mouth piece, the hat proceeded to blow a stream of bubbles from approximately the skull-perches mouth.

It looked rather dapper, actually.

"Alright! Gentlecolt mode activate!" The hat's voice turned deadly serious; "Let's get scholarly."

Specter nestled into his soft leather reading chair, made only of leather from the skins of creatures that had died of natural causes and whom he had asked very politely for permission, the snoozing cap with a rather amusing pom-pom leaning eagerly forward for reading time.

Sipping his warm soy-milk and nestled in his comfy chair Specter felt totally at peace with the world. He had found the reading buddy he had sought in Twilight, a thought that still caused him no end of emotional distress, in his rather peculiar headgear.

"There once was an ugly duckling" he began slowly. Whilst reading was his favourite past-time, an activity which allowed him to escape from reality into happier worlds. Sometimes even much, much unhappier worlds, worlds where he could cheer for anypony trying, against all odds, to make it suck less...

Whilst normally reading his old foalhood books would be far too below his skill level to be entertaining at all the lonesome grey pony had found a new, greater source of entertainment in sharing the gift of reading with his... 'hat'.

"None of the other ducklings liked him at all. They called him ugly, they teased him. The ugly duckling was sad because he never fit in. He was the odd one out. You try, Hat!"

His head felt a soft little surge and the little tuft of pom-pom danced at the top of his peripheral vision.

"Err... T-h-e, the! u-g- ugly, d-u-c-k-l-i, oh! I got this! The, ugly, duckling, was, all, alone. S-o-m-e... Soam?"

"That's 'something' Wil."

"Oh! Something changed, ha I know that word, though, as the duckling g-r-e-w, grew, up."

Specter smiled, sipped his milk, and continued from where the changeling had left off by turning the page of the old, stained foalhood book.

"He became taller, beautiful, far more graceful  than the other ducklings. They became confused, what had happened to the ugly duckling? It was then that the ugly duckling's parents found him." He turned the page, revealing ony a landscape portrait of two gorgeous swans. No text to mire the effect. WilHat bounced on his head with glee.

'Why must I be so, hee hee, ticklish?!'

"The ugly duckling wasn't a duckling at all... He was a beautiful swan."

"Wait!" Wil cried out, "I have a question, Mr Book!"

"The book can't answer you, so why don't you ask me?"

For the first time since they had met, Specter realized, Wilhelm reverted to his original, changeling-bug form and stared at him in confusion.

"What if he was a duckling? Or if no swans ever showed up?"

"What do you mean, Wilhelm? They did find him, so-"

"No!" Wilhelm cried out, "He would have been ugly forever, and no one would know he was actually beautiful, because all the ducklings couldn't understand. They'd think the swan was just a really ugly duckling, wouldn't they?!"

"Well, I suppose so, so isn't it-"

"You still don't get it!" Wilhelm wailed, "Now that they know he's a swan he can never, ever go back to the ducks again! He's still an outsider, he still doesn't fit in! What if... What if I'm an ugly duckling?" Wilhelm whimpered.

"What makes you think something as awful as that?" The grey stallion dropped the book, gently of course, and gave the sobbing Changeling a lanky hug.

"I can change into anything! I feed off love, but no one loves me, no one will ever love me, everybody hates Changelings!" Wil bawled, head nuzzled into Specter's side, "I know I'm a swan, but nopony else does. They still think I'm just a horrible, horrible duckling."

Specter opened his mouth to console his new friend, to take back ever reading that book, to assure him that he was wrong-

No words came out.

One bitter thought rang through Specter's head, echoing around and around his brain like the soft clanging of funeral bells;

"What if the ugly duckling never met another swan?" They... They'd probably...

I think, I think they'd...

Specter leaned into the hug a little harder, a little tighter, pulling Wilhelm ever closer.

Wilhelm never saw the tears that fell from the other's eyes.

I''ll never meet another swan, so I'll always be the ugly duckling...

"Thanks, Rarity, I appreciate you doing so much on such short notice."

"Think nothing of it, dear, I packed it with all the essentials." Twilight subtly floated out a checklist and well-inked quill, glistening from its recent thorough dunking, That stylish bag holds a tent-" check, "A lantern,"  check

"Some soup Sweetie Belle made,"  That's not-, "It makes excellent lantern oil, burns brighter and longer than kerosene, "Ah, right!, "I've made some apple-jelly sandwhiches to eat, dear, worry not,"  check, "Some shampoo, some conditioner, three brushes, a hairdryer, a hoof file-" Err... Those aren't on the list. Forgive me, Rarity, for what I am about to do... Eventually.

"I'm sorry, Rarity," she levitated the bric-a-brac out of the rapidly lightening duffel, "But I'm heading into the Everfree. Lightness is critical. Anything I can't defend myself from I need to run away from, and a hairdryer isn't..."

She glanced back and forth, sighed, and unceremoniously dumped the beauty products on the ground having found nowhere else to place them.

"I'm in a rush, that silly pony's run off into the Everfree! Who knows what a sweet little guy like that would do by himself out there?! He's probably scared and afraid right now, and I need to help him. Every second counts, so I don't even have time to finish this sente-"

And with that, Twilight rushed off in a burst of magically enhanced speed, leaving a stunned and horrified Rarity in her wake.

"Have you located the necromancer, Stalwart?"

"Indeed, Miss, your carriage awaits to take you to his location."

"We leave at once. Prepare the men."

"At once? Your highness, are you sure-"

"At once."

A Lunar Shift

“Princess, why is this pony so important to you?” rumbled the Captain of the Night Guard beside her, eyes darting around in the cool night air for anything, anything at all, especially the unexpected.

Aura Borealis always expected the unexpected. When you lived in a society where one third of your species could shoot lasers from their face, another third could fly and the last third could get away with a lot more because you were too busy paying attention to the ones who could fly and split atoms with a headbutt, expecting the unexpected was to be expected. Captain Aura Borealis was, however, acceptably exceptional at unexpected expectations.

It’s what made him a good captain.

“The pony we seek is a necromancer, Captain, a pony I have not seen in many eons.”

“Necro-“ The Captain paled.

‘Oh, ye princesses, what sick, sick pony would… with dead ponies?!’

“Of course princess.” Aura Borealis nodded furiously. “This pony, without a doubt, must be stopped.”

“Stopped?”  Princess Luna twisted in genuine shock, “What makes you think I would wish to stop this pony?!” She regained a little of her composure. This was nothing new to her guards; Whilst the Princess of the Night tried her best to maintain an air of the utmost placid dignity-

Well, she tried her best, that’s all that needs to be said on the matter.

“You don’t want to stop this pony?” The Captain’s shock matched Luna’s and then some.

“Quite the contrary,” Luna murmured in confusion, almost half to herself, “I wish to enlist this pony’s services.”

“Princess, that’s disgusting!” The Captain shrieked like a filly.

“Captain, I know there are many ponies that condemn such a practice, but there have been many noble practitioners in Equestrian history. I am afraid that We are now in desperate need of one.”

The Captain’s open mouth caught a substantially large moth that had been too cumbersome to avoid the speeding royal chariot. He didn’t even blink.

“Princess!” the hardened veteran, esteemed warpony, decorated commander’s voice cracked like schoolfoal in puberty. “We are all very aware of the rumours that you are quite frigid, yes, but is this truly the answer? I mean, everyone’s into something I guess, but come now Princess, there’s using a feather and then there’s using the whole chicken.”

Luna pondered this for a moment.

“What do those rumours have to do with anything captain” she mused.

“Well… You’re enlisting the aid of an… a… necromancer.” He whispered back furiously.

“But why- Oh.” Luna blushed furiously, a coughing fit overcoming her, “Oh!”.

“You see, Princess, why-“

“Captain.” Luna explained calmly, fighting down the rising mortification, “I do believe you have mistaken necromancy for… something quite lewd and perverse, I’m afraid. The suffix that I believe you were looking for is actually 'philia', a practice I do indeed condemn whole-heartedly.”

Captain Borealis let out a sigh of relief so hearty that the moth ended up flying right out to freedom. Once more neither he nor Luna blinked.

“You do not know how relieving it is for me to hear that, Princess.” he stated emphatically.

“Yes, well, I now completely understand your earlier-“ Luna paused. “Who says I am frigid?!”

Specter arose groggily, his back stiff and sore. Wilhelm had curled up in his lap hours before, the small book on the floor beside him. The last candle had melted to a pitiful nub long ago, thin tendrils of smoke wisps visible in the moonlight filtering through the cottage’s picture window.

Well, the moonlight and the fiery conflagration. Specter assumed that was why Wilhelm was whimpering in his lap, nudging him from his fitful sleep, anyway.

For that matter he assumed it was the bizarre changeling. Otherwise it would have been an ordinary feather boa in his lap whimpering and nudging him from his sleep.

That would have just been weird.

“What is that?” it asked him, shrinking back from its own words. Oh, thank Celestia, it was Wilhelm. He didn’t want to be attacked in his sleep by animated designer clothing.

Not again.

“An explosion,” Specter sighed, “Probably not that far away, judging by the smell.”

“An explosion?” Wilhelm asked in a voice that expressed that, if he had eyes, they would be wide open right now.

“Not all that uncommon in the Everfree I’m afraid.” Specter nodded. “Not everything can feed on love, you know. The creatures in here get hungry, too.” He chuckled, briefly, before continuing, “unfortunately, though, the only things they have to eat in here are the other Everfree forest creatures.”

“Oh!” Wilhelm popped into Changeling form, well, sort of. He was his original shape, if Changelings could even be said to truly have one, but he was small enough to hide in Specter’s pocket.

He suspected this was not entirely coincidental.

Wilhelm also looked quite pale, short shudders rocking his tiny body.

“So something just ate…  Something else?”

Specter nodded sadly. “I’m afraid so. It’s the main reason not many ponies come out this way, after all.”

“So something just died then.” Wilhelm continued sadly.

Specter shuddered. “If they’re lucky.”

The tiny changeling turned even paler, and slightly green.

“Are you going to be sick?” Specter softly  asked, almost afraid talking loudly would simply blow the small creature right off his lap, “Do you need me to get you a bucket? Maybe a thimble?”

“No, I’ll be fine, I swear!”

“I- Well, alright,” Specter shook his head dubiously, if you think so.”

The tiny changeling pouted. “I do think so. So there.”

Specter couldn’t help but chuckle at the tiny form, forehooves folded defiantly in front of its chest, lips curled.

Oblivious to Specter, for once, Wilhelm’s eyebrows furrowed. A deep, thoughtful hum escaped the chitinous lips as he tapped a tiny hoof against an even tinier chin.

“Can you talk to them?”

Specter raised an eyebrow.

“I mean, the food, or used to not be food, or whatever. Could you talk to them?”

Specter’s other eyebrow joined its twin, where they engaged in a furious debate. Of course, eyebrows being eyebrows, this simply took the form of twitchy rustling to the outside observer.

He rubbed a hoof to the back of his head, massaging the nape of his neck, as he thought about it.

“Well, I guess I might be able to. Maybe. I think?” He mused, half to Wilhelm but equally to himself. He continued on, hoof rubbing faster, eyebrows dancing to a different disco (Honey!), as he considered the request.

“I mean, I don’t know who or what just, er, ‘participated in a necessary part of the food chain’,” Specter mulled, “but they’re close enough, I think, that I don’t need to know specifically. Sort of like- Hmm, how do I explain this?” His back right hoof started tapping to an unheard rhythm, building with unreleased nervous energy looking for an outlet. His mane was knotting in the spot the hoof rolled over it to massage the swelling thoughts.

“It’s like fishing.” The grey stallion nodded to himself, relaxing. “That’s as good as any way to put it. “Okay: So,  normally, I’d want to catch a specific fish. Let’s call that fish Bob.”

“Bob is a good name.” Wil nodded seriously.

“Indeed. Well! If you want to catch that fish you need to use the right bait and the right lure, right?”

“Why not the left lure?” The changeling’s head cocked to the side.

“Because using the left lure instead of the right would be wrong.” He said with an absolutely straight face. The changeling nodded again, as if this was the most reasonable response in the world.

“Anyway, to do that you need to know what you’re looking for before you can cast, right? Well, this would be different. I’d be fishing by throwing in a net and hoping it isn’t so small, or so tenacious, good word that by the way, that it slips through. Also, you sort of have to throw it when you know a fish is there, see?”

“How do you know so much about fishing anyway?” Wil asked, clambering up onto Specter’s shoulder, “I thought ponies were vegetarians.”

“Well, we are,” Specter shrugged, ignoring the tiny mountaineer scaling Mount Speckles, “But some of our pets aren't. Lucky for me I got a pet that can take care of itself, isn't that right?”

The changeling didn’t reply. He simply became a rather comfortable fisherponies hat, complete with all the regalia.

“You’re mad as a hatter, aren’t you?” the stallion laughed, “Pun most definitely intended. Now, let’s see if I actually can, er, ‘cast a net’, so to speak.”

Specter concentrated, focusing all his thought and attention on the nearest skull, a mare’s, resting above the fireplace. Normally he didn’t mind about gender but, in this case, a stallion’s simply wouldn’t have fit on the marble mantle.  He hoped that his soon-to-be-guest didn’t mind that much. For some visitors it was a bit of a sore point.

Other’s seemed to think being in the opposing gender’s skull, however, felt right. Specter was more than happy to oblige them that, to each their own.

What right does a hermit in the woods have to judge, after all?

He derailed that train of thought, one that would usually lead him to hours in his small library for his books’ warm, forgiving embraces, the calming turn of the pages, but instead he focuses on making his new friend (Hat?) happy for the moment.

He took slow even breaths as he shut his eyes, still seeing the skull clear as crystal imprinted into the back of his eyelids, as the familiar throbbing in his temples pulsed once, twice-

” Specter! I’m so glad I found you!”

The stallion fell out of his comfortable chair, scrabbling backwards in terror.

No! Nonononono. No. Not again, please Celestia, anything but-

“ Specter, what’s wrong? It’s me, Twilight!”

Specter simply stared at the skull on the mantle, tears in his eyes.

“I know. And I am so sorry.”

A fisherpony’s hat drifted slowly to the floor, swept up by an unseen breeze.

“There! I sense his presence! He has just revealed his position to us! We can still sense the use of his ne-“

“Princess, I am standing right next to you, you do realize?!”

“We, echem, I apologize, captain.” Luna’s blush was visible under the bright moonlight.

“I’m just going to assume that was an apology, Princess, and I assure you it’s quite alright!” Aurora massaged his throbbing ears. “Frankly, you could have been ordering an apple pie and I wouldn’t know better!”

“Why are you shouting with… me?” Luna caught herself at the last moment.

“Because I think you ruptured my eardrums again!”

“Oh! I mean, oh, I mean… Oh, ponyfeathers…” Luna sighed miserably. A faint aura surrounded the deafened pony’s ears and, as he swallowed, a sharp ‘pop’ brought all the ambient sound rushing back to him.

“Frankly, your majesty,” He opined, “I don’t think I would be appreciating how beautiful the larks are singing tonight otherwise.”

“You only truly appreciate what you have when it is gone forever…”

“Princess?” Aurora barely managed to conceal his confusion behind the iron helmet, “My hearing isn’t gone forever? You just gave it back?”

“Hmm?” Luna snapped out of a reverie the guard hadn’t even noticed she’d been in, “Oh, my humblest apologies, Captain, we were, how do you say, ‘off with the fae?’”

“That would be ‘fairy’s’, princess. You’re getting better at modern colloquialisms, though, it seems.”

He watched as the simple compliment caused Luna’s entire face to light up. He decided not to press any further into the cause of her rather abrupt melancholy. It was so rarely you could see Luna smile, he hadn’t the heart to make it one time less.

The captain watched as Luna’s eyes snapped forward to a patch of forest, thin wisps of smoke emerging from-

Well, buck me sideways with a brick, is that a cottage?

“Charioteers! Take us down!” Luna commanded.

“Oh dear, oh dear oh dear ohdearohdear-“

The changeling, back to his original shape and size, ogled the skull.

“And who might you be?” it asked. “Normally I wouldn’t trust a changeling, of course, but any friend of Specter is a friend of mine.” It paused. “I think.”

Wilhelm gaped at the skull, which coughed nervously in response. Specter frantically ran around the room muttering incoherently.

“Err… do you want to be friends?” another nervous smile, slightly hopeful, replaced the rictus grin.

“Friends?” Wilhelm stared curiously.

“Be friends on your own time Wil,” Specter yelled, “We need to save Twilight now and it’s all my fault.”

“How is your fau- NGH!” Wil was yanked firmly by the bonelike scruff of his neck.

“I know you’re a hat guy, but can you be like, a coat?” Specter paused in his frantic fumblings, “Please?”

“Cloaking device activated!” Wil decreed, jumping onto Specter’s back and snuggling into his mane.

“Err, Wil?”

“Oh! Right!” and with that the hard, heavy weight on his back became a comfortable, form fitting hooded cloak.

“Is there any reason in particular, Wil, that the cloak has bunny ears?”

The cloak simply vibrated its own content reply.

“Don’t worry, Twilight. I’m coming.” Specter said softly, softer than the little cotton bunny tail Wil had thought to add for some unknown reason.

“Why would I be worried?”

“No reason!” Specter answered all too hastily, massaging his temples until the familiar pressure alleviated.

The skull fell silent once more.

Specter charged the front door, slamming open deadlock after deadbolt after chain latch, and barrelled out.

Right into the Princess of the Night.

“Necromancer! We meet at last. It is time for you to answer t-“

“Sorry, I’m sure that’s all very interesting,” Specter yelled as he hooked his front right hoof behind Luna’s front left knee and pressed his head into the base of her neck on his left, pulling it across through to his right, effectively Ju-Ditzy flipping the royal Princess of the night, “But I don’t have time for this right now, Princess!”

Specter galloped off. Regrets would come later. For now, he just tried to outrun the thought that he had just-

Oh dear.

Meanwhile, sprawled upon her back, Luna focused two eyes onto Aurora Borealis, who was staring at her with a contorted expression, not sure whether to be horrified or laugh his plot off. He really didn’t want to laugh, there was nothing funny about a scrawny little stallion sending the giant alicorn flying head over hooves.

Okay, he supposed it was a little funny.

“Was it something we said?” Luna mumbled at the fuzzy guard. ‘Please, captain, stand still, it’s hard to count all of you when you’re upside down like that.

“I’ll just, ah, get some ice from the chariot.” He replied diplomatically.

As he walked past the white picket fence gate back to the Chariot, the captain heard a strange, gravelly voice behind him.

When he turned around he couldn’t see anything other than a rather dizzy looking alicorn.

He shrugged. He swear he could have heard somepony say “Why did I ever teach him that?”, but all he could see was a little lawn gnome by the mailbox.

Working the Night Shift

“I-“

“Yes, Wilhelm!”

“But-“

“I know, but we can deal with that later!”

“Why-“

“Because Twilight Sparkle is dead and she isn’t likely to get better on her own.”

“What-“

“I’m going to fix dead.”

“Are-“

“No, I’m not psychic.”

“Then-“

“You were going to ask, in order, ‘I think we just jumped Princess Luna’, ‘But shouldn’t we go back and do something about it’, ‘Why not now’, ‘What are we going to do’ and, of course ‘Are you psychic’ and ‘Then what was I going to say’. Happy?”

Wilhelm sulked. Of course, being a cloak, this meant he just fluttered about in the wind that was whipping about Specter’s head less. Not to be confused with the wind whipping about the headless pony, that was an entirely different conundrum in the Everfree.

Specter had met him. Surprisingly nice chap, though a bit on the macabre side. Not that Specter had any right to judge, of course. He was, after all, currently sprinting faster than he was physically able. Whilst a dull, quiet voice at the back of his mind informed him he was going to be very sore tomorrow morning a much larger, louder voice at the front was screaming ‘Pain means you’re alive, moron, so you’re immediately better off at the moment than she is’.

Right. Focus. Battle cry.

Make it count.

Make it fierce.

The pale grey stallion charged off deeper into the forest and brought forth a loud combination of a wail and a hiccup.

Close enough.

“Captain.”

“Yes, Princess Luna.”

“Currently I feel that I dislike you with great intensity.” She said simply.

“How would you feel if I helped you up and put the kettle on, hrrm?”

“I might just-“

“I brought the mint tea.”

“Minty mint tea?” Luna pondered.

“The mintiest.” Aurora Borealis hoisted Luna to her hooves.

“All is forgiven then captain. Where, though, is the kettle?”

Captain Borealis, still meeting Luna’s gaze, idly bucked a single hind hoof into the door behind him. A metallic crack and a splintering creak were confirmation enough that he had ‘unlocked’ the door behind him.

“I do believe that rather fancy handshake of his,” He said simply, “Was invitation enough to share his humble abode for a

little while, hmm?”

“Captain, that is underhooved, dishonest and above all very courteous of you.” Luna admonished.

“Thank you, your majesty, I aim to please.”

“Why are we yelling?!”

“I have no idea!” Specter laughed at the cloak.

“We should probably stop then!”

“And why is that Wilhelm?!”

“Cause something might hear us!”

Specter’s dumb, determined grin faded into a thoughtful frown, his gallop slowing to a canter.

“You know what?” Specter said slowly, “You’re probably right about not wanting certain things in the Everfree forest hearing us.”

“Yeah, there are things worse than that cockatrice over-“

“Cockatrice over where, Wil?” Specter paused. His back felt cooler, heavier, than it had a few seconds ago. “Wil. Cockatrice. Right.” He groaned, massaging the bridge of his nose with a hoof.

He was absolutely not in the mood for this right now.

Specter turned, the weight of the stone mantle upon him restricting his movements enough to inconvenience him.

He simply couldn’t have that.

The grey stallion brought himself face-to-anywhere-else with the cockatrice, growling a little.

“Look.” He said through gritted teeth, “I realize you’re probably hungry, but my friend and I are off limits. I am having a very

bad day right now and I am not in the mood to put up with your shenanigans.”

The cockatrice hissed at him, slithering deeper past his peripheral vision.

“This is your last warning. Fix my friend and leave me be.”

The cockatrice paused in its advance and curled on itself, slinking backwards a bit. Specter wasn’t convinced.

His back still felt cold and heavy.

“And my friend?”

The cockatrice struck, uncoiling itself, leaping right into Specter’s face, eye to eye, bare inches away from the stallions muzzle.

Thump .

Specter rubbed his hoof as the chicken-snake-thing was sent sprawling.

“I told you I’m not in the mood right now. Come by my cottage later and I can give you a nice mouse or two, maybe some seed, but do not make me peeved.”

Specter paused for dramatic effect.

“You wouldn’t like me when I’m peeved.”

The fanged chicken head hissed and struck again, this time trying to sink its venomous beak into Specter’s neck.

“This is most delicious, Aurora. Have you gone soft on me?” Luna offered the hardened veteran a sidelong glance as she bit into the doughy brownie. “Because if you have you absolutely must give the recipe to the palace staff. This is most delectable indeed. Mm. I wasn’t even aware you could make caramel crisp like this.”

“I’m afraid, Princess, that my cooking ability is still limited to pouring cereal into a bowl, and even then.” He chuckled. “No, they were left in the oven. Looks like the necromancer had been baking them for quite a while, so whatever caused him to rush out like that was obviously very short notice.”

“Sudden disaster or not,” Luna took another orgasmic bite into the confection, “ ooh gomf this ish sho good,” she proclaimed, spraying crumbs, “The whelp still had the presence of mind to bowl me over and oom, oh, my goodness, I do not find myself quick to forgive. Oh, looks like that was it, may I please have another of those wonderous confections, Aurora?”

“I’m afraid not, Princess,” Aurora sighed. “He only made two, and I already ate one just to make sure it wasn’t poisoned.”

“Surely only a bite would have sufficed?” Luna asked sceptically.

“Princess, I may be one of the toughest sons-of-guns in all of Canterlot,” The Captain of the Night Guard said evenly, “But it would take a greater pony than I to have stopped  at just one bite.”

Luna paused and gazed at the floor from the comfortable recliner she sat in, wings drooped over the sides in disappointment. She heaved a Royal Sigh.

“Pity.”

“Well, what shall we do when the necromancer returns?”

“Captain, I do believe I could forgive him for the murder of one of the Elements Of Harmony themselves if it meant he’d bake so-“

“- There. I warned you. I warned you didn’t I?” Specter admired the craftsmanship of his brand new boa-tie. “Rather a fashion statement, don’t you think?”

The cockatrice hissed and moaned.

“Ah-ah-ah! Fashion should be seen and not heard!” Specter said with a mock Marehatten accent, “Besides, you look starning, dahling. Dahling, sweetie, dahling, dahhhhling..” Specter drawled.

The cockatrice fell silent.

“Much better.” The stallion declared with false mirth. Whilst the bubbling joy he displayed melted off him, it was so obviously fake that- Well, the cockatrice fell silent, let’s leave it at that.

“Now. Change the Changeling back before I decide you’d look much better in a double whinnysor knot.”

The cockatrice obliged grudgingly, Specter never taking his eyes off it.

The cloak on his back shuddered and giggled a little. The pony let out a deep sigh of relief.

“Look, I’m sorry,” he moaned as he untied the the cockatrice from around his neck, “You’ve just caught me at a really bad time, okay? I’m sorry I reacted as badly as I did and I hope you’re okay. Please forgive me?”

The chicken-snake stared at him in confusion.

“Look, I’ll- Oh, I know!” Specter plucked a feather from the cockatrice, ignoring its yelp-hiss, and doffed it in his mane.

“There, for my… Admittedly unnecessary retaliation,” Specter gave the beast a weak smile, “I owe you a favour. Anytime. I’ll know it’s you because I can tell by the feather, it’s got your, err, ‘signature’ on it.”

The cockatrice stared at him more, jaw agape. This was the strangest predator it’d seen.

“But,” Specter Shift’s voice turned deadly serious, “That also means I can track you with this. If you come after my friends? If you hurt anypony in some sort of misguided act of revenge?” Specter continued, his voice low, carrying with it the authority and finality of a crypt being sealed for its last occupant, “I will find you. I will show you no mercy. Please don’t make me do that. I really just want to be a nice pony okay?”

The monstrosity nodded fervently.

A broad grin split Specter’s face.

“Good! Remember, favour, anytime. I owe you, little guy,” he addressed the snake which had to be half again the size of the grey stallion, “Now, if we’re cool? We are? Awesome! Well, now that that’s settled I can go back to-“

He sighed and smacked his head with his hoof.

“-Right. Dead Twilight. Forgot.”

The cockatrice blinked as it watched the stallion sprint off. It blinked again when it came rushing back in the opposite direction with a sheepish chuckle.

‘If he ever tells the yellow Pegasus I did it again I am *so** doomed.*’ it gulped, slithering back into the underbrush to search for an easier meal.

Specter trotted into a clearing. That was the first thing that really made him wonder.

The Everfree forest didn’t have clearings.

It wasn’t until he saw the first scorch mark that really piqued his interest.

He wandered into the little oasis of sparkling light, shielding his eyes. It must have been nearing dawn, and his eyes were still completely unused to the light filtering through the dense foliage, let alone from an unobstructed view of the sky.

“The light, it burns us.” Specter hissed. He giggled at his own joke before remembering why he was here.

Serious face time. Activate serious face. No laughing at Twilight’s grave, idiot..

The grey stallion turned green. He was snapped back to reality by the nauseating smell, the buzzing of horseflies, the sickening aura… It was a feeling he knew far too well.

The stench of death hung low in the air.

Specter stared at the chunks of meat surrounding him, thin red paste he had first mistaken for light playing off an odd moss. Nope, just big chunks of meat.

Oh, Twilight… He sighed in resignation.

“Whoah!” Wilhelm cried as Specter turned in defeat, “What the heck is that thing?”

Specter turned back. He noticed for the first time, geeze, how unobservant am I anyway the charred and mangled corpse of a chimera in front of him. Well, the front half anyway.

The firebreathing half of it looked like somepony had rammed a bunch of fireworks down its throat and it sneezed. It had simply burst like an overripe blood sausage in the summer sun.

So maybe… Maybe this isn’t all Twilight’s!

He laughed maniacally, bouncing through the wreckage of the undergrowth, finding a barely scorched pack and a badly melted thermos. On closer examination the other half of the thermos was embedded in various rocks and trees.

Geeze, Twilight, what’d you try to do, bribe it with soup?

He quickly ran a few calculations in his head as Wil took in the scene around them.

“This is how things eat meat?” Wilhelm retched, “I’ll stick to love, thanks.”

“Please see that you do. Now, if the explosion happened here-“ Specter marked the ground with a stick he had found nearby in the underbrush, “And if the Chimera is now here-“ Specter drew a line towards the half a chimera. Did that make it a mix of two and a half different animals now? Specter shrugged, and drew an arrow in the dirt. “That means Twilight must be… Over here somewhere!”

He ran in the direction of the arrow, kicking up rocks and lichen and bramble and anything else that could possibly be obscuring the unicorn.

He finally found Twilight under a pile of bracken and branches, slumped under the base of a nearby tree. She appeared to be in almost perfect condition, almost as if she were sleeping.

Well, if sleeping ponies necks bended that way. Specter prayed they didn’t, for their sake.

Wilhelm whimpered and melted down Specter’s shoulders, rippling up his neck.

Glancing in a puddle of water formed from the dew of the leaves knocked out by Twilight’s… Impact, the Stallion noted his new dapper top hat and black tie.

“Oh, no need to be so macabre, Wilhelm!” Specter cheered, “She’s only dead!”

Wilhelm momentarily turned into a party hat, rattling around Specter’s head, before the realization struck him.

“Wait… Only dead?”

“Yes!” Specter jumped and bounced and skipped and laughed. “Only dead!”

“But… Then you were so sad when we first got here and thought she was-“

“Esploded! Yush!” Specter giggled drunkenly. “You can’t fix esplosioned.”

“But you can fix dead?” Wilhelm asked, in his Changeling form, standing beside Specter curiously.

“I have no idea!” Specter jumped up and down on the spot, rubbing his hooves together in excitement.

“But-“

“I DEFINITELY can’t fix esploded but she’s in good enough condition now that we have a chance Wil. That’s all we need! That’s all we’ll ever need!”

The Changeling nodded solemnly.

“No one ever gives us a chance do they?” it barely whispered.

“Nope!” Specter shook his head with a goofy grin, “That’s why, Wil old buddy ol' pal, we gotta make our own and take ‘em.”

“Makes sense.”

“I’m glad you think so!” Specter cackled before flopping down onto his haunches, tears in his eyes.

“Because I just realized I have absolutely no idea what I’m actually going to do now.”

A serpent slithered by a bizarre cottage in the heart of the woods. Smoke inside.

It was occupied.

Food.

Cottages usually were where ponies lived, and that really scary one earlier said he-

Was this his cottage?

Well, the cockatrice reasoned, he did say to come by here for food sometime, what’s the harm?

It slithered up to a window to peer inside. The white of its feather stretched down the snake's body, all the way to the tip of its tail. As it slid away as fast as its body could physically carry it, willing it to rush faster, the pale snake berating it for picking favourites of biological limitations over it.

Luna stared out the window. Seeing nothing new, she shrugged, and continued idly sipping her tea.

She could swear somepony was watching her just now…

Author's Note:

I wrote that Headless Horsepony joke literally a day before the last episode.

I know right?!

A Shifty Character

You ever notice all the little bugs that scuttle around the floor of the Everfree?

It's unnerving in a way. They’re bugs, and I mean, I'm a bug but we look nothing alike.

Strange world.

Aesthetics aside, they do make wonderful conversation partners.

This beetle right here in front of me, for instance, calls himself Fredrick. He’s giving me some wonderful tips on my to keep my exoskeleton squeaky clean.

Literally squeaky clean! Fredrick, I'm gonna go ahead and nickname you Freddie, lets out these really cute squeaks whenever he moves. I wonder if Specter would notice-

Actually, I wonder how Scriches is doing without me to help him dig tunnels... It was a thankless job, and when you feed off love and gratitude it left a poor bug hungry. The two of us could-

Ugh, started to flashback for a second then. Nostalgia is definitely not what it used to be.

Wait... where's Freddie?

Oh, there he is.

Freddy, leave the sleeping purple pony alone, Mr.Speckles is trying to fix it.

What do you mean 'feeding time'?! There isn't much love here...

Freddie, stop that. I saidstop it.

I don't care if it's on your ‘turf’, off.

See, much better, now let see if we can find you some lov-Freddy, look out for that hoof!

Freddy?

Freddy, wake up.

Please wake up Freddy, this isn't funny...

Ohno *ohno, what do I tell his family? Did he even have a family? Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, how am I going to track down all of them? Dozens? Hundreds? Do I tell them all at once or one by one?*

Could I really bring myself to do it more than once? I don’t think I could even do it once... Oh, Freddy, why did you have to-

To *die*?

Wait... what did Specter just say about death?

That it isn't permanent.

Aaargh! Who was that?

It's me, your Brain.

Well then, Mr.Brain, these are my thoughts, so buzz off. Where did you even come from anyway? You didn’t help me back at the hive so I don’t need you now!

But-

No buts, or butts.

How does that even-

Ssshhhhh, I'm trying to think.

But that's my-

Sssssshhhh! This is a librarian.

Buck it, I'm out of here.

Yeesh, the nerve of somelings.

Wait...what was I thinking about?

Spencer? No. I don’t even know a Spencer. I knew a Freddy, but that was a long time ago now...

Hmmmm.

Expect her?

Ahah, Specter! That's who that nice earth pony is.

Wait... why did I need Specter?

Specter turned to stare momentarily at his new, and currently only, friend by default. The shiny black bug sat in his genuine form staring intently at its own ‘hooves’.

He squinted momentarily, almost certain he could hear the grinding of cogs and gears in the poor little guy’s head.

Specter worriedly shook his head before going back to his ministrations over the corpse of Twilight Sparkle.

“C’mon, Twilight,” he whispered to the broken form beneath his careful nurturing, “ You've never been tardy for anything before. Don’t you dare let people address you as ‘The Late Twilight Sparkle’.”

Behind Specter the whirring finally reached a, relative to its owner at least, logical conclusion.

“Alright, I’ll need something to support her neck. A twig? No that wouldn't be strong enough. Ooh, how about a rock? No, that would just make things worse!”

Think Specter, think!

Hugs?

Yeah, hugs. That makes sense.

Glompf!

Hey! He just pushed me away! Well, that wasn't very nice...

Wait, what is he looking for? A niece break?

Oh!

Neck brace.

...Why does he want a neck brace? I mean, they’re all stiff. Why would he want one of those, when he has me?

What’s he doing with those sticks?

Gasp!

He’s going to replace me with a neck brace made of sticks! He can’t even waitto get a goodone to replace me with!

He is going to replace me with a neck brace! Like how I was going to replace him so I could feed on Librarian’s love? Was I not a good enough hat?!

Damn it all, why does life have to be so- mean?

Well, too bad life, I'm onto your plan.

Specter won't be able to replace me with a neck brace, if I am the neck brace!

It's foolproof.

Erm...

You again?

Well, I am part of this place, for better or for worse so... yeah.

Well, be quiet, my plan is working.

Working?

He has picked us/me up. Now, when he puts me on, I'll be able to hug him and love him.

To death.

That will show him!

I... I can't put the level of idiocy that you are coalescing into words...

Ssssshh, it's working.

No, no it’s not. Aren’t you getting the information I’m sending you from the Eyes?

Whha?

He’s not putting you on, dummkopf.

But...he wanted a neck brace...

Am... Am I not good enough? He’d rather have one made of sticks?!

No, you flea brain, and I would know better than anyone, the neck brace wasn’t for him.

Then who was it for?

Twilight.

Who?

The unicorn, the one that Specter is madly in love with? The one you were going to feed off!

Erm...

The one who blasted everyling with that machine gun laser at the wedding, remember? The Librarian!

Oh, that one.

Why does she need a neck brace? She’s sleeping.

Look at her neck Wil, does that seem normal to you?

No?

That’s because it isn’t, which is why he needed us to become a neck brace.

Ohhh, that makes sense.

Well, then I will be the best neck brace possible for Wil then! He needs me!

Huh, for a deadly weapon that maimed over a hundred changeling assault specialists, the bane and fear of our race, she’s really fluffy and soft. We’re just two cuddly little monsters aren’t we?

Now that we’ve got that out of the way...

Ow, what are you doing?! It feels like the time I tried to suck the love out of that tax collector pony!

I’m teaching you a lesson, you moron, you were going to kill him!

Kill who?

Specter.

What? No, I would never do that, Specter is my bestest buddy.

You said you were going to hug him to death! Not three minutes ago!

I did?

...

Why?

Out of all the creatures in the universe, I had to become your brain.

It’s not fair. Why couldn’t i have become something with more dignity, like a toe fungus?

Aww, cheer up Mr.Brain, it can’t be all that ba- Oh sweet Chrysalis’s crusty cloaca!

Calm down Wil, it’s just Twilight healing herself.

When did she wake up! I don’t want to share Specter!

There are so many things wrong with that statement I don’t know where to start. Please say something else so that I have something to work with.

But... we are covered in blue floaty stuff...

Well first off, it’s more lavender, possibly even lilac, and secondly, that’s her magical aura, like we have that green one.

Oh...

See, she’s all done now.

Does this mean I can turn back into a hat?

I don’t think s-

I’m gonna turn back into a hat.

Damn it, Wil!

An Unscheduled Shift

Specter was suddenly overcome with the notion, as he examined his handiwork, that his ability to converse with the dead was somehow rather ironic right now.

Rather than dwell on the notion he decided to let his handiwork speak for itself, hopefully all too literally.

"S-Specter?"

"Hey, Twilight!" He chirped cheerfully, failing to hide his bubbling excitement, not that he was trying all too hard.

'Success! I'm entirely certain she doesn't even have any brain damage!"

"Oh, Specter, I'm so glad to see you!"

'Scratch that. I'm now only reasonably sure.'

"What, miss me already?" Specter wore a dumb grin and, for some reason, a buzzing hat. That was definitely new.

"Oh, Specter, I'm so glad you're okay! You ran into the Everfree forest, and I went after you, you-"

The stallion paused as the pale Twilight Sparkle went through her not-at-all inconsiderable vocabulary looking for polite, but blunt, words to adequately sum up how she felt.

Specter watched with no small amount of amusement as she settled on frantic gesturing and frustrated choking sounds.

"I assure you, I wasn't in any danger," he chuckled.

"What are you talking about?! You could have been killed!"

"Yes, well, you were." the words were delivered simply, no malice nor condescension nor any form of sugar coating touched upon the weight of the words. They didn't need them.

Twilight stared at him, stared at him and laughed in his face, though there was a flicker of something, something so unfamiliar in the unicorn's eye.

It didn't escape his notice. Specter had quite clearly seen the flicker of doubt flash across Twilight Sparkle's always-confident, self assured gaze.

'Well, except when the Princessis mentioned, of course.'

"No, that's ridiculous, I can't be dead. I literally cannot be dead if I'm talking to you."

"For someone who merely a day ago talked to their grandmother again, oh yea of little faith, I'm curious as to how that would stop you."

"I- No, no, there was... I was attacked, and I- Oh Celestia, what happened?"

"Well, it's dead too, if that makes you feel better. Well, at least, it's deader than you are. On the sliding scale of 'Dead' to 'Not Dead' you're between me and it."

"Well-" Twilight's glassy eyes stared down at her body, which was mostly intact and moved as per normal, though she noticed the undeniable fact that she could not feel her legs. She had read enough war novels to understand what that cliche meant. "-I really, don't understand. I also really don't like not understanding things."

Her strangely alive, glossed over eyes swivelled to the earth pony sitting beside her, locking his gaze as she uttered a single plea.

"Help me. Help me understand, if nothing else."

"Well, at the moment, you haven't been dead very long when I found you, which is good, because it means you hadn't crossed over or anything irksome like that."

"Good word that, irksome." Twilight grinned a little despite herself.

"I know, right? It's pretty swell. Any who, I was able to sort of pluck your, err, 'soul' out of the ether, yes I know it's bunk science but would it kill you to just wait until I'm done? Actually, yes, it would, so stop trying to answer my rhetorical questions. Well, yes, you're currently haunting your own dead body."

"That sounds horribly morbid!"

"Well, it was the best I could do until I crammed you back in there."

"Crammed- Are you cracking jokes about my weight?" The tone was joking but the glare was all-too-serious.

"Ignoring that. No, just had to evict the new tenants."

"New- Oh, come on, did some pony try to hijack me? I swear to Celestia, I'm gone for five minutes-"

"Oh, no, nothing like that. It's just without your soul binding your body together it just becomes a new ecosystem. It's no longer 'Twilight' and it becomes 'huge civilization of microbes' as the dominate force. They sort of... Push back."

"Well, now I feel sort of bad."

"Don't, they were accelerating the decomposition process."

"Well that's rather rotten of them." they both giggled.

"I see what you did there, and it stank worse than you do right now."

"Well, anything I can- Wait, accelerating? That implies it hasn't stopped."

"Err, no, and I was getting to that. You wouldn't happen to know any healing spells, would you?"

"Of course! Minor, major and miscellaneous medical magics are all-"

"All I need to know. Sorry for cutting you off, Twilight, but it's important that we get started right away on making you less dead than you already are." he frowned down at her.

"Then why all the small talk?" she shot back.

"Because," he sighed, deflating a little as he sagged beside her, "we only get one chance at this, probably, and I was thinking if you were more comfortable and aware we would be less at risk, maybe. I've sort of never done this before."

"Telling me that was supposed to put me more at ease?!"

"I don't know, it's my first time, okay!" he flailed a hoof which, after Twilight started snickering, slammed firmly shut over his big, dumb, stupid mouth.

"Real mature, Twilight. Well, getting started on the whole 'less dead thing'? I've gotten a rather convenient neck brace for you, thanks again by the way Wilhelm, but it's still broken. Spinal fluid is almost perfectly intact, except for the part where it isn't, where it's almost surgically cut through. Usually that would be a worst case scenario, but since it's rather neat, it shouldn't be nearly as hard to knit the tissue together."

"Wow, that's-" the unicorn was stunned, "-incredibly knowledgeable of you. I didn't know you were a doctor?"

"Nah, I'm only good at autopsies. Patients are much more agreeable that way, I find. Anyway, this all hinges on you being able to perform magic. I have absolutely no idea whether you can or not, but being able to move your hooves is a good sign. I think. Unicorns are weird." He shrugged.

"Right, well, this will be a learning experience for both of us then. Learning... Right, just look at this as an experiment. I've got enough control over- Whoa."

"Whoa?"

"Whoa." Twilight breathed.

"Good whoa or bad whoa?"

"Just weird whoa. It's like-" her horn flickered with guttering sparks, "It's like I can push my magic, but, indirectly. It's like- okay, it's like, picture walking on stilts? Now imagine trying to marionette yourself on stilts, but it's not your body, it's your brain and everything tastes a bit like copper."

"Whoa."

"Exactly. I think I might be able to- Hnng." Twilight cut herself off with a grunt of obvious exertion, her horn flickering like an inadequately powered fluorescent bulb, whilst the wrinkles of torsion visibly lessened. Specter couldn't help but wince as he heard bone audibly cracking and a sort of snip snip squelch as spinal fluid reconnected.

It was all worth it when he felt that familiar popping in his ears, his head, his entire being.

Twilight was no longer here as a result of his summoning, she was here-

"Wait, you are still here right?"

"Oh, no, did I accidentally teleport again? I can't really see right now, you're going to have to tell me if-"

"Oh, no, no, you didn't, you haven't moved, and you're still in this plane of existence which is excellent."

yes, she was here, mostly, and she didn't need him to keep it that way. She was just a regular old undead pony now!

'Everything's relative, I suppose.'

Twilight giggled a little, shaking her now firmly secured head a little, as much as the neckbrace allowed at least.

"Alright, Wilhelm, job done. You did an excellent job. I'm going to have to get you some ice cream, aren't I?"

Twilight winced in surprise, her look of shock diminished easily masked by the effects the tickling sensations on very sensitive flesh were having, as the changeling schlupped back into his more recognizable bug form, who in turn also blinked in confusion at Specter.

"What is ice cream? It sounds painful."

"Oh, I assure you, you are going to love ice cream. It's probably the closest thing to edible love ponies have ever made."

"That's a changeling." Twilight deadpanned, swaying uneasily to her hooves as her dry and pale eyes blinked her vision slowly back. She didn't need much, however, to tell the raspy, chitinous voice of a changeling drone when she heard it.

"Why yes, sorry, I don't believe I've formally introduce you. Twilight, this is Wilhelm, you might recognize him as your neckbrace. Wilhelm, this is Twilight Sparkle, the element of harmony you thought I was-" Specter caught himself and blushed slightly, gagging on the words he was about to be stupid stupid stupid enough to say.

"You really are full of surprises, huh?" the unicorn murmured, her uneasy eyes never leaving the changeling. For his part, Wilhelm just cocked his head, an easy curious expression directed towards Twilight.

"His hard and tough exterior belies soft, mushy insides, I assure you." Specter shot quick reassuring glance at the changeling, "It's just an expression, I assure you."

"Forgive me if I'm not so easily trusting of enemy invader." Twilight groused, dusting herself off.

"He's been at your throat for the last quarter hour or so, in the most literal sense of the phrase," Specter pointed out, "and did the exact opposite of making an attempt on your life."

The bug wandered up to Twilight, its motives unreadable. Whereas Specter knew this was because Wilhelm probably simply didn't have any, Twilight was obviously ill at ease.

"'This is about to be either very, very good, or very very messy.' he glanced briefly at the clearing around them, at the charred chunks of flesh, and mentally amended, 'well, messier than it already is, at least.'

Which is why Specter was filled with immense relief and just the tiniest bit of a swoon when Twilight noticeably swallowed back her discomfort and extended a slightly-trembling hoof.

"A friend of Specter's is a friend of mine." She announced before being scooped up into a chittering, delighted embrace by Wilhelm.

"I like you!" he announced matter-of-factly, "You're so soft and fuzzy!"

She chuckled, her body sagging in relief. "Well, you really are affectionate, aren't you?"

"I'm not a feck shon ate." he replied in obvious confusion, "I'm a bug!"

"You most definitely are." Twilight chuckled, gingerly patting him on the back. "I can see why Specter thinks we should get you some ice cream. You're simply adorable, aren't you!"

Wilhelm nodded. "However, like equine morality, I have layers and layers of subtle complexities."

Specter and Twilight stared at him mouth agape.

Twilight shot Specter a questioning look. Specter shot Wllhelm a confused glance. Wilhelm stared mournfully at the friend Specter had stepped on earlier.

"We should probably get back to the cottage, then, huh?" Specter slowly, cautiously asked.

"Books!" Wilhelm chirped delightedly.

That seemed to spark Twilight's interest, at the very least.

"Books! Yes! Finally back into familiar territory." Twilight sighed cheerfully. She blinked, glancing around at her hooves, seemingly only just remembering where exactly they were. "Probably a good excuse to get out of the forest now, too, huh?"

Specter snorted. "Nah, I'm a bit further in from here, actually."

"A bit further into here... Relative to what?" Twilight blinked.

'So much blinking. Maybe we should get some eyedrops, being dead cannot possiblybe good for one's health.'

"My cottage is a bit further in, I live about-"

"You live in the Everfree?"

"We really need to stop interrupting each other, huh?"

"You live in the Everfree?!"

"Yep." Specter

"What about all the animals? The manticores, the hydras, the timber wolves, the chimeras, the cockatrice, the nemean lions, the... The humidity?!"

"They all think I'm worse." he shrugged amiably, "But, you know, the humidity makes my mane frizzy in summer which can get pretty old pretty fast."

"You... But... What?!"

"I look far too cuddly right?" he grinned.

"What? Yes! You're... I mean... I don't..." Twilight just stared at the 'humble' earth pony, or rather, at a point a thousand yards away through him.

"Books remember! Books and hot cocoa!" Specter called cheerfully over a shoulder, already at a brisk trot back to the cottage. Wilhelm shrugged and buzzed onto his head, perching atop his head as a fuzzy busby, giving the pony the look of a cheerful Buckington guard.

Twilight stared dumbfounded as the two hopped and bobbed their way through the dense underbrush deeper into the foliage.

"That makes even less sense!" She pointed accusingly at Wilhelm the hat before galloping off after the two to inform them of just how impossible they were.

It took a while, all things told, until Specter pointed out that she was still technically dead, at which point most of the argument became internal. He felt bad about unleashing Twilight upon her own existence but, with no small amount of guilty pleasure, he couldn't help but note how adorable Twilight looked when she pouted like that.

"Home sweet home."

"Wasn't that a cockatrice slithering away from us just then?"

"Oh, don't worry about him, he knows better." Specter glared at the retreating chicken-thing. Despite not possibly being able to have seen him, Twilight noted the creature seemed to slink away just that much faster.

"He knows- I'm not going to question that, my head hurts too much already."

"Oh, gee, I'm flattered." Specter grinned ruthlessly, "I've done more than serious, and lethal, trauma? I'm touched, truly."

"Applejack isn't the only stubborn pony around here," Twilight grumped, "it'll take more than a little death to stop me being sarcastic."

"As opposed to a lot of death?"

"Well, yes, I suppose. A moderate amount of death even, maybe. But a little? Nope, no where near blunting my razor sharp wit."

"It's good to see you're as humble as you are beautiful." Specter sing-songed.

"Oh, please, I'm the most humble pony I know. No pony I know is nearly as modest as I am!" she grinned.

"Are we interrupting anything?" Princess Luna called from the kitchen, "We do apologize, but we helped ourselves to the delicious confections in your larder, they were most... Irresistible. It would take a being mightier than ourself to resist such temptation."

"Princess Luna!" Twilight breathed, prostrating herself slightly.

"Thou art doing it again, Twilight." Luna rolled her eyes.

"True," Twilight grinned, "But so are you?"

"Hmm? What are we-" Luna blushed visibly. "Oh! Oh, I'm afraid I am doing it again, am I not? We, I, am working on it, I promise. It is curious that we see you here, Twilight, we were not expecting you here. We, I, am here for your friend here." She frowned, slightly, a tight and serious crease along her jawline belying serious and solemn thought.

"You mean, Specter?" Twilight turned to glance at the grey stallion beside her and was instead treated to a view of red brickwork.

"Yes, the Necromancer," Luna nodded seriously, glancing at the rapidly diminishing cacophony of leaves and underbrush. "Strange, he appears to have entered into a footrace with a cockatrice for some reason."

Twilight just stared lamely off in the direction.

"Okay, this is the second time I've watched that silly pony run off into the Everfree, and I'm not going after him this time. Let nopony say Twilight Sparkle doesn't learn from her mistakes."

Luna cocked an eyebrow at Twilight who responded with a long, drawn out sigh.

"Long story, I'll need that silly pony back here to explain most of it, and I believe I was promised cocoa."

"Twilight, we are most surprised at you, do you not care about your friend's safety?"

"Luna, we are sitting in an adorable white-picket fenced cottage in the middle of the Everfree that he presumably made himself, because I sure as Tartarus don't see any pony coming out here to help him. From this we can deduce two things: One, he's a whole lot safer out there than I'd be, as I've rather painfully been made aware, and two, as soon as he runs out of breath he's going to realize he has nowhere to run to and come back. Probably wearing a different hat, so be prepared for that."

"Where would he get a new hat from in the middle of the Everfree forest?" Luna's other eyebrow raised to join its twin.

"It's not actually a hat, it's his changeling friend that likes to sit on his head as fuzzy attire, apparently." Twilight deadpanned.

"How- A changeling?" Luna spluttered, choking slightly on her drink, "This is a very strange friend you have here, Twilight Sparkle."

"I dread the day he and Pinkie Pie meet, I truly do." Twilight paused, "Then again, they'd probably share recipes." They both paused as they bit into another baked good.

"Truly a conundrum worthy of the ages." Luna agreed, sipping her drink.

The pair sat and talked cheerfully over tea and whatever they could find prepared in the cupboards, within reason, as they awaited the return of their gracious host. The pair of stoic lunar guards sat in the corner, each reading a comic book to pass the time.

It took a little over an hour for a tentative knock on the door to draw Luna and Twilight from their seats. A sulking Specter greeted them at the door, a dark montera drawn low over his grim expression.

"I realized I had nowhere to run to, let alone hide," he admitted, "so I thought my best hope would be to throw myself at your hooves and beg your mercy."

"Mercy?" Luna shot Twilight a glance, "What makes you think you need my mercy?"

"I know what you did to ponies with my unique ability in times long gone by." Specter sighed, "I've talked to them, after all." He shot one last, defeated, look at Twilight before bowing on his front knees, head low to the ground. "It is with a heavy heart that I, Specter Shift, accept the fate that I have been running from all these years."

"Specter, what are you talking about?" Twilight nudged him, offering Luna a consoling, but weak, smile.

"Princess Luna, my affairs are in order. You may execute me now, for Princess and Country, as is expected of you. I submit to my fate."

Twilight stood between the two ponies, rapidly looking at the both of them, silently begging an explanation. The Lunar guards had risen, she had noticed, and were standing beside Luna, as fast and silent as the night's breeze.

"I see." Luna boomed, her eyes white, her tone emotionless, drawing herself into an intimidating stance, causing Twilight to shrink away from the fearsome lunar princess, drawn protectively to Specter's side "Thou hast obviously shirked thy fate, thy justice, thy retribution for far too long, little pony, and as is expected of us, we shall deliver it."

Wilhelm flopped down over Specter's brow, flittering seamlessly from hat to blindfold, tied tight.

She loomed over the kneeling Specter, who forced back a bitter tear which leaked down past the blindfold as power emanated in staccato waves from the fearsome creature before him, and uttered the dreaded words, the words he had been fearing for his entirely far-too-long life, "Prepare thyself for our judgement!"

A Telegraphed Shift

Luna nodded, mostly to herself, as she commanded what, not entirely insignificant, presence she had as she delivered her verdict. "So tell me, Specter Shift, what charges may I lay before you? What foul and evil deeds have you committed?" She boomed.

"Charges? I... you want me to charge myself?" he stuttered, still not rising.

"Indeed! Have you, like Dolo the Mighty, raised an army of skeletal abominations upon fair and unsuspecting citizens in a mad grab for power?"

"Dolomite did that?" Specter choked on nothing, staring at the princess incredulously, "The same Dolomite who always shies away from summonings, afraid he'd be too much of an inconvenience and he doesn't want to bother anypony Dolomite?"

"I see you have not had the pleasure of speaking to his victims then. A mostly agreeable pony, himself, had he not gone completely mad with power. Now, have you raised a zompony affliction so that you may profit from looting amidst the panic, like the Cur Bon?"

"Carbonnyc did that? Lying scoundrel, he cheats at poker too, now that I think about it."

"Indeed. We have dealt with many a Necromancer, young Shift, for they tend to be corrupted under the weight of their own immeasurable power. Rarely have I ever seen one, like yourself, who has ever considered it a burden my little pony. Thou, that is to say you, are truly unique in that regard, even moreso than what you would otherwise believe.

"So you're not going to kill me?" he asked skeptically.

"Goodness, no! Young Specter, I assure you, we wish the polar opposite of harm upon thee- to which we, gah, I mean you." Luna glanced sidelong at Twilight, who gave her a supportive nod. It was strange, to Specter, to see the one thing he had most been afraid of mere moments ago seem so... Fragile, so vulnerable.

"Also, and don't tell my sister that I said this, we are willing to let thy first misconduct go with a mere warning should you bake us something for noon tea time! Your confections are most delicious."

Specter grinned, a feeling of a heavy weight that had long since suffused in him, over a century of stress, of panic, of fear for his life melting through his hooves and down, down through the floor, forevermore away from Specter Shift, the free pony.

"Miss Luna," he smiled warmly, "you can have whatever your heart may desire."

The devious grin she wore, the glint in her eye, very nearly made Specter reconsider the whole 'Not scared of this pony anymore thing'.

"If you art being so generous, my good fellow, then surely we can discuss matter over a delicious Côte d'Azur"

Specter's eyes widened for a moment before his face melted to a mirror of Luna's devious grin. Twilight glanced worried back and forth between the two ponies in confusion.

"Twilight, here's a few bits," he hefted a small coin purse at the unicorn, who caught it in her telekinetic grip easily, "I've got most of the ingredients I'll need here, but there's a few special things I'll need you to pick up from Ponyville, some dairy at the very least, that I've seem to run out of. Would you be kind enough? I'll make up a list of what you'll need. Itemized, of course, categorized and grouped based on location."

He quickly filled it out, grabbing some parchment and quills from a nearby cupboard and scribbling furiously, wearing the quill down to the nub in the process. He passed the end product to the unicorn who visibly swooned at the neat, detailed organization.

"Guards," Luna angled her head towards the pair her eyes never leaving Specter, "Escort Miss Sparkle in the chariot whilst she acquires the provisions. I assure you, this will be very worthy of your time."

The guards saluted, glancing at each other uneasily at the realization they'd just become unofficial delivery boys but stoic nonetheless, as they escorted a still wondrously dazed Twilight outside to the awaiting chariot.

The door closed behind them with a sharp bang.

"So, Princess," Specter smirked, "any reason you've tasked me with making a dessert that fell out of fashion a thousand years ago?"

"T'was always a favourite of ours, though immensely difficult to create. Apparently our..." Luna mulled over her choice of words momentarily, "Departure from Equestria saw it fall out of popularity, which is truly a shame, because I did so very much love it. Now I've found that there isn't a single pony alive today to pass down the knowledge of our, my most favourite of desserts. I don't think, however, that you'll have a problem with that, now, will you, my little pony?" The princess's smile was downright wolfish, which brought an equally conspiratorial smile to Specter's chops.

"I do so love a challenge, your highness."

Specter scrunched his face a little in concentration, as if sucking on the platonic ideal of citrus, as he called-

"Och, laddie, t'is good to be seein' a friendly face again, after the hidin’ meh wife has been dolin’ out, make no mistake! How'd it go with the lassie, eh? She think ye be a poofter after all, or did all go swimmingly, eh?"

"Turns out me being gay wasn't the problem, Ramsey." Specter chuckled. "She didn't think I was into stallions, but the problem was neither was she. Anyway, we have company."

"Company, eh? Aye, indeed we do! Tell me, who's the luscious piece of hot blue flank you've picked up for yourself there, lad, introduce me."

"Ah, Chef Ramsey, my sister speaks highly of your culinary skills." Luna nodded, "Your social skills, however?"

"Och and aye, and who might your sister be, my dear?"

"Princess Celestia, of course." Luna nodded matter of factly.

"Och and aye again, lass, that'd make you-"

'Huh, turns out it is possible for a skull to get visibly paler.' Specter noted in amusement, 'I'll have to remember to look into that.'

"Princess Luna, yes, yes it would." Luna's grin flashed teeth, her eyes sparkled a little as she glanced down at the quivering skull. "I enjoyed many of your foodstuffs greatly whilst still sequestered in my quarters after our return. It's a shame we never got to meet in the flesh, as it were."

"Your majesty!" The skull hopped to attention with a flick of its jaw bone, "I apologize for my candid manner around royalty, ma'am!" Oh, Ramsey was never going to live this down, Specter would make sure of that. Friendly teasing and jabs, of course, but even a 'bloody poofter' is allowed to gently remind certain spirits of their... Transubstantiated transgressions.

"No need to be afraid, chef, I find your candid manner to be most relaxing. T'is nice to hold a conversation in which I am not seen as the overwhelming dominant force."

Ramsey seemed to mull this over, his bony brow sinking low in intense thought. "Ah, you be that way, eh, your highness? I admit, I'd often thought yea'd be into ropes and chains and whatnot, but I always figured you'd be on the other end of them, now, didn't I?" He chuckled, his skull turning to mirth into a rasping, bony cackle.

Specter's eyes widened in horror as Luna blushed very, very visibly.

"That's not what she meant at all, Ramsey, and you know it!" he snapped, a hoof slamming over his mouth as Ramsey's contemplative expression turned wounded.

"Oh, geeze, I'm sorry, I-"

"I didn't know you had it in you, kid," he boomed, "Looks like you've got some cahonies in you after all eh? You've been holding back on me! Standing up for your lady-friend like that to scary 'ol I, aye? Didn't know yea had it in ya!" Another dry cackle from the skull as Specter blushed now, Luna blushing yet deeper.

"We are not courting." Luna stomped indignantly. Specter had many skills but mind reading wasn't one of them. He didn't need it to know that Luna was thinking the same thing as him: "Thank the stars that Twilight Sparkle wasn't here to see this."

"N'aww, lad, did'n ya hear that?" the skull chirped in faux-sympathy, "Sounds like yer lady friend just broke up with yeh. Wha's the matter princess, don't think his flanks be slender enough for your liking?"

"I'll have you know that I find his flanks remarkably luscious, cur!" Luna snapped.

Specter stared.

Ramsey was trying very hard not to laugh, resulting in a sort of bony giggle-snort.

Luna's eyes slowly widened as she realized what she said and how very, very badly she had completely missed the point.

"Specter." She choked out. "Help."

Specter turned to Ramsey to scold him again, to point out just how rude he was being to such an honoured guest when he thought more of it. Eyes not leaving Ramsey's, his back to Luna, he said with a manic grin on his face;

"Help? What, don't you want to help yourself to these luscious flanks?" He said, giving his tush a little wiggle.

"We- No! Well, yes, but we mean, that's not what we, our, did we just say that out loud? Oh ye gods we just said that out loud. Curse thee, Ramsey, and thou untamed tongue, coated in thy silver barbs, and thee, Specter, curse thee for having such smoothly toned hind quarters that are as hypnotizing as they are the source of our current endless frustrations!" she boomed.

"Luna," Specter coralled all his willpower into keeping a straight face, "Did you just admit to staring at my butt? How long have you been staring at-"

"That is completely irrelevant."

Specter glanced at Ramsey. Ramsey stared, impressively slack jawed, at Specter.

They both fell to the ground, or in Ramsey's case sideways on the counter, rolling in laughter as the ageless Princess Luna, goddess of the night and mover of the moon, sat grumpily drinking her tea and flushing the same furious red as Big Macintosh's hindquarters, which she hadn't stared at either.

"Oh, oh my sides."

"I'm dead!" Ramsey cackled, "how can my ribs hurt so much? I don't even know where they are!"

"Oh... Oh, anyway, Ramsey, you're going to need some help on this one." Specter finally stood up, panting heavily air that he didn't know was still in him after an hour sprinting through the Everfree.

"Help? I dinnae, lad, I think we've ribbed her enough already." Ramsey smirked, winking a bony eye-socket at the scowling Luna.

"What? Oh, no, not to tease the princess," Specter chuckled, "For cooking."

"What?! You think I, the greatest chef of the last century, need help assisting in the afternoon snack of only a hoofull of ponies? Banquets, maybe, feasts, surely, but what could you possibly be making that I'd need to-"

"Côte d'Azur"

"-Oh. Well, if'n you lot be need'n me, I'll be right back, I gotta go search for some culinary reinforcements on this one. Cripes, lad, you sure know how to pick 'em."

Ramsey looked at Specter in concern.

"This wouldn't be yer last meal, now, would it laddie?" Ramsey shot a pointed look at Princess Luna, who was gingerly sipping at an empty mug in what appeared to be an attempt to maintain nonchalance.

"What? Oh, no! Turns out I'm not considered an abomination to the natural order and the sanctity of pony kind after all! That's a relief, no executions for me!"

"Aye, lad, it's good to see you won't be joinin' me so soon after all. Shalom, Spec, I'll be right back." There was a brief non-pop and the skull was, once again, lifeless.

"What a... Colourful individual." Luna muttered.

"You're still about three or four shades ahead of him, princess." Specter chuckled, "Though they're all different kinds of red."

The response was given in the form of a mug sent flying at his head. Specter managed to dodge it rather easily, but the wall behind him wasn't so fortunate, and the mug exploded in a puff of porcelain powder.

The princess sighed, collecting the powder in her magic and pulling it back into a cohesive whole.

She sighed again, waggling the empty mug at Specter. He bobbed his head to fetch the cocoa pot. As he refilled the mug he made a point to face away from Luna the whole time and sway his hips far, far more than necessary.

A Shifted World View

"It's alright!" Twilight declared triumphantly, practically bursting through the cottage door, a swirling eddy of sunlight filtering through the trees silhouetting her in ways that Rarity would most definitely approve, "We have the ingre- in- What are you two doing, exactly?" She sighed.

Luna and Specter blushed furiously as they disentangled themselves from each other, a curious knot of splayed limbs, standing straight and looking pointedly at nothing in particular.

"Absolutely serious cooking stuff." Specter assured Twilight firmly whilst looking decidedly at a worn bookshelf, "Nothing untoward I assure you."

"Nothing- Sure. Sure I'll buy that, right." Twilight rubbed a long, slow hoof down her face. "Luna?"

"Err- I was assisting him. Yes."

"Of course you were." Twilight sighed, "Of course you were."

Luna coughed indignantly once, twice, into a hoof, looking imploringly at Specter.

"Well," he pipped from the kitchen with brittle cheeriness, "it turns out that I had a surplus of raspberries, you see, and Luna appeared to be rather fond of them."

Twilight raised a hoof about to comment on the absurdity of that when she was stopped by the sight of Luna's gaze boring yet further into the depths of the floor, her cheeks yet more flushed than even-

Twilight's thought was cut off by a guard's snickering as he walked around her with a bag of groceries and she finally grasped the double meaning.

"Raspberries." she sighed. "You have got to be kidding me."

"Pray tell, what is wrong with raspberries?" Luna protested indignantly.

"Well, for one thing, princess, I had assumed a creature of your incalculable maturity" she emphasised the word with a raised eyebrow, "would have stopped being ticklish by now."

"Ticklish?" Specter called from the kitchen, "We were just talking about regular old red raspberries."

Twilight's other eyebrow rose to meet its twin. "Really, now, because you both seem red enough from where I'm standing."

There was a strange hissing sound from one of the lunar guard, standing stoically at the door.

Luna stuttered a bit, blinking furiously, when Specter strode in from the kitchen to her rescue.

"Twilight, the alternative to believing us is imagining the two of us, your friends," he put delicate emphasis there, lest he ruin the effect he was going for, "were actually lying on the floor over there just-" He took a dramatic pause to pick his word choice, "copulating. Oh, I'm sure you know what that is, if not from Celestia, or your parents, at least from Shining Armour, who we all know is a married stallion." He gingerly wrapped a foreleg around Twilight's shoulders, drawing her beside him, "Why, I'm sure he does it frequently himself. You know what? I think he actually probably enjoys it too."

Twilight had gone very, very pale at this point. Luna was making desperate choking sounds herself, but Specter shot her a consoling and meaningful glance that simply said; 'Don't worry, I'm going somewhere with this'.

"Now, I can assure you that whatever Luna and I happened to be doing was remarkably chaste," Specter drew on all his reserves of charm, bravery and stoicism and called them forth to utter a remark that would drain those reserves for a while to come; "Probably much to her disappointment," Luna and Twilight both turned a very light shade of pink, as neither could quite figure out whether to blush or pale completely, as Specter went on, "and you can take our word on that and let it be."

Twilight just stared at Luna. Luna just stared back. The guard who had been making that strange hissing before, a royal guard employed for their exceptional stoicism and dignity, fell to the floor laughing silently, lest he draw attention to himself or worse- miss out on what happened next.

"Or," Specter continued, putting on a brave face he really wasn't feeling, "Or you could think really hard about what we might actually have been, and weren't, doing. You could imagine it, let the idea roll about in your mind, and consider the implications thereof. Then, of course, considering that, you'd have to, hypothetically, consider that maybe if Luna partakes in desires of the flesh, as they were," he shot Luna an apologetic glance, to which she dumbly nodded her acquiescence, "then maybe Celestia partakes of said. Heck, she must, musn't she, if that were, hypothetically, the case. Then you'd have to wonder about all sorts of things, like lineage, possibly a whole family tree, as a direct result of these actions. Which would require direct research into the reproductive capabilities of your mentor." he let the final words strike her like a hammer. Twilight quaked slightly, whimpering.

The sight broke Specter's heart, truly, but he wouldn't have cut too deep any wounds he couldn't immediately bandage, as it were.

"So, really," he patted her tenderly on the back, "the only possible solution is to accept that the princess is merely incredibly ticklish, to which I probably took advantage because, hypothetically, she's really, really cute when she's giggling like a schoolfilly," Specter chuckled, shooting a shell-shocked Luna a wink, which she somehow saw despite staring pointedly at the ceiling, "and nothing else untoward happened."

"Specter," Luna murmured feebly, "you just admitted it wasn't the culinary delight you were inflicting upon me, and she hadn't assumed more."

"Oh." Specter mused, "I guess I fumbled that a bit, didn't I?"

The guard politely excused himself, exiting the cottage.

Luna numbly nodded, even as the walls reverberated from the booms of a very large stallion's barking laughter.

“Sorry about that, Twilight.” Specter tapped his chin thoughtfully, “And Luna, I guess, though really I was just trying to help.”

“Shining?” Twilight barely whispered, twitching slightly. Her eyes bulged slightly.

“Celestia?!”

“Well.” Luna looked down appraisingly at the almost-immobile Twilight. “Mayhaps thy went a little too far in rushing to our aid, as gallant as it may have been.”

“Could have been worse.” Specter stared at the twitching Twilight before him, “Your guard could have found out about-”

There was a clatter outside, scurried hoof beats on paving stones as the door was practically wrenched off its hinges by a furiously huffing bat-winged guard pony.

“Oh. I guess he did.” Specter muttered, even as Luna stared on.

“My grandad,” he said in a thick Canterlot accent, “Is a bleedin' lawn gnome!”

“I see you've met Sir Shield, then!” Specter grinned. “Well, sorry about that, Pluto, I was planning on formally introducing you with, yes, yes, I know your name, he speaks of you proudly, anyway, I was planning on formally introducing you, no he's not actually a lawn gnome, he's just the disembodied spirit of your ancestor possessing a rather tasteful lawn ornament, now, please, let me finish; I was planning on introducing the two of you with your distant cousin.”

Specter tapped his chin thoughtfully.

“Though, to be fair, his lineage is far more evident in Shining Armour than it is in Twilight, but happy family reunion nonetheless. I'm sure you'd love to tell your partner about this, he's in the kitchen as we speak, and I'm sure he'd love to be rescued from my cooking master any time now.”

Twilight's head whipped increduously back and forth between the guard, now identified as 'Pluto', and Specter, grinning like a madpony and clopping his hooves delightedly together.

“Ooh, this is going to be just grand isn't it?”

“Cousin?!”

“Well, sort of, you're both from the two surviving male branches of Shield's lineage.” Specter shrugged.

Twilight wordlessly shook her head and collapsed into the sofa in the ironically named living room and proceeded to lie down in a state of, what Specter best could tell, was a sense of shock. He couldn't really tell why; He'd only shattered her world view in three unique and wonderful ways in the past five minutes or- Oh. Huh.

“I really,” he stated, slowly, “Need to practice talking to ponies more, huh?”

Luna, in her ageless wisdom, just stared at him incredulously.

“Also, she really does have a point though.” He amended with a shrug as he looked appraisingly at the princess.

“Pray tell, I'm afraid I've been caught helplessly in the current, as it were.” Luna blinked, slowly, shaking the cobwebs from her head with an imperceptible twitch, “What, exactly, is the point you were referring to?”

“Well,” Specter shrugged, “You're an alicorn from time immemorial,” he made a small gesture with a hoof, “how are you still so ticklish?”

Luna stared at him. Specter grinned innocently.

Luna stared at him yet more. Specter wagged his tongue at her a little in defiance.

Luna flung a pillow at Specter. Specter said 'owch'.

“That was really immature!” Specter teased.

“Tisk, you sound like Tia.” Luna chuckled.

“Gah!” Twilight shouted and buried her head under a pile of cushions. “Why can't I unthink this?!”

“Really sorry about that.” Specter cringed guiltily.

“Specter, remember how you, err, unkilled me, I guess, a few hours ago? How I wouldn't be alive right now, in one form or another, if it weren't for you?”

“Vividly.”

“We are, officially, even.”

“Sounds fair.” he agreed.

“I should, most likely, console her.” Luna whispered into Specter's ear. It flicked in response, and he nodded.

“I'll get back to cracking away in the kitchen then!” he nodded, kicking up his hocks. His legs were moving, he noted, but he didn't appear to be moving.

Luna had plucked him up with her magic and was staring at him, inspecting him from all angles, intently. Then, with a deadly-serious expression, she blew into his ear, causing it to flick rapidly as Specter's face scrunched up.

Luna grinned victoriously.

“Ah!” she smirked, blushing slightly, “You appear to have incredibly sensitive ears, then. We must be sure to abuse that anatomical quirk when next we spar, then.” She announced, dropping Specter back on the ground, a silly grin plastered over her entire face but her eyes, which were twinkling brightly with mischief.

The earth pony watched the alicorn stalk back to comfort Twilight Sparkle. He noticed that Luna was waggling her hips far more than necessary as she did so-

Specter walked headfirst into the doorway with a dull thump. Luna shot him a smirk and a wink over her shoulder, her own cheeks tinged slightly, as a mortified Specter darted into the kitchen.

He slid his back against the door and landed on his plot, sitting with a goofy smile of his own for a little bit, idly noting that he'd have to repair the window that the two brave guard ponies had escaped through.

“So” the skull said, cutting through the silence, “You and the princess eh?”

Specter just nodded lamely.

“She's got a lovely arse on her, that one, doesn't she?”

Specter continued bobbing his head for a moment before realising, exactly, what he was agreeing to and shooting Ramsey a warning glance.

“So,” the skull went on, cheerily oblivious, “When are you too just gunna cut it out and make out already, eh? Cor, it's just painful to watch.”

The two guards, panting heavily on the lawn outside, scampered as the skull careened out of the window and rolled to a stop beside where they were resting.

“Oh, Celestia!” they cried, diving for cover behind the chariot, “Now it can fly, too?!”

A Shift in Time Saves Nine

"So that will be fourteen bits."

"Fourteen bits? Just to make two liters of ice cream? It would be cheaper to just buy it pre-made!"

"Well, you're the one insinuating my ice cream isn't good enough for you!"

"I'm sorry, Miss Mint, but you don't happen to stock," Twilight glanced down at the list, whose composition continued to make her swoon from sheer organizational overload, "blueberry-lavender flavour."

"What? So now it's my varieties that aren't good enough for you!" The mint-coloured pony, named accordingly, behind the counter snapped, "Maybe I didn't want to be an ice cream maker! Maybe I wanted to be a poet, or an artist, but maybe those don't pay the bills so I'm stuck with the one thing I'm good at doing."

Twilight flinched, stepping back from the counter. The cold, frigid air chilling her that she was distantly aware of was uncomfortable, anyway. Leaving suddenly seemed like a very welcome prospect.

"I hate ice-cream..." Melancholy Mint muttered.

Twilight reached for her jingling bit-purse, which seemed to lighten Mint's disposition considerably.

"Fourteen bits it is, thank you, have a... nice day?" Twilight resorted to safe and placating. Safe and placating was good, she thought.

"Oh, I won't," the unicorn sighed as she swept the bits off the countertop, "but you try to enjoy yours, Twilight Sparkle."

"I... thank you?"

"Don't mention it." Mint growled, turning back to clean her scoops.

Twilight left, levitating her newly-acquired bag of ingredients behind her, ignoring the worrying tingles her horn was shooting through her. It's not like they were bad, after all, just... weird.

Much like Ms Mint, Twilight mused.

The door bell chimed as the unicorn left, much to Mint's satisfaction. When it rang again, seconds later, she couldn't suppress a low growl, spinning around to tell Twilight Sparkle of a few places where she could shove her 'raw ingredients' if she wasn't happy with them.

She was rather satisfied with having a different option for every flavour she offered.

Instead of smug, holier-than-thou, better-than-you-at-ice-cream-making, Twilight Sparkle she was greeted by... what words could be used?

It seemed to be a rather silly, bumbling grey earth pony with a mop of black hair, like hers, standing in the entrance with a rather amusingly blank look on his face.

"How can I help you today, sir?" She called out cheerfully, silently amending to herself, 'Not that I want to, you see, you ridiculous pony.' It was mean, yes, but she felt the need to compensate for how saccharine the out-loud part was.

"Yes." The slender pony agreed, bobbing his head enthusiastically.

"I... what?"

"Ice cream. I would like some." The stallion stood firm, unblinking eyes boring into Mint's skull.

"Okay, ice cream. Is there any particular flavour you would like?" She prompted. Now, this may seem uncharacteristically helpful, which it was. Helpful just so happened to get ponies out of the store faster, which seemed exactly like the sort of thing Mint found herself praying for.

"Yes." The slender grey pony agreed again, bobbing his head even more enthusiastically.

Mint waited. The grey pony smiled at her slowly, a rictus grin that was decidedly unnerving, dead eyes never leaving her, always watching.

"How about chocolate chip?"

The grey pony took a few steps closer to the counter in her little ice cream parlour, seeming to consider this. At least, it looked like he was considering it, to Mint, it was rather hard to tell.

"Yes."

"One scoop or two?"

"Just one, pweeze." The grey earth pony's eyes widened in shock, as he coughed to clear his throat. "Please. Just one, please." The stallion's brows furrowed in intense concentration. "I say please, because I am Specter."

"Oh... kay?"  Melancholy Mint carefully scooped a generous dollop of chocolate chip ice cream and dumping it into a waffle cone. The whole time she felt those strange, lifeless eyes on her, which made her undeniably itchy. "I hope you enjoy. That'll be three bits."

The pony stared at the ice cream levitating in front of him for a long second, gripping it from the air between two hooves, and took a long, slow, lick.

His eyes widened in horror and he threw it at the ground, hitting it with a loud, sticky 'squelch'. The pony scooted backwards from it, staring at it like another pony might at a ticking bomb. Or how Mint herself looked at the prospect of dealing with this pony again.

"Evil!" The pony hissed. "It tastes like sadness and bitter and poison!"

And with that he ran out of the store, slamming the door behind him, leaving a very shocked and confused mare in his wake. Finally, staring at the smooshed ice cream on her floor, Melancholy huffed and stormed to the door, throwing it open.

"Hey!" She bellowed at the stallion running away as fast as his legs could carry him, "You owe me three bits! Specter! Specter when I get my hooves on you, so help me Princesses-"

[br]

A brilliant green flame engulfed a grey pony as it ran through the Everfree. Like some rather morbid pheonix, from the flames erupted a chitinous black bug, insectoid wings buzzing furiously to give him speed, to get further and faster away from that dreaded abomination.

Wilhelm ran through the dense forest, following way to a certain little cottage in the woods.

Now, he hadn't exactly known about it for long, but Wilhelm's head was remarkably empty of useless and trivial information. This left remarkable room for him to remember such important things as direction and advanced calculus.

Well, that and he could just head in the same direction he saw a chariot flying overhead. That was a good sign, he mused contentedly to himself.

He couldn't keep up with it, of course, but that was okay, Wilhelm also thought, because the important thing was that he was still outrunning the ice-cream.

When he finally arrived back at the cottage he saw that the carriage itself had landed, with its two guards cowering behind it for cover.

“Oh, Celestia!” he heard them cry, “Now it can fly, too?!”

Oh no! The bug thought, to paraphrase his thoughts, as he raced closer to the house, The ice-cream can fly?

He didn't know what those silly guard ponies in their silly armour were doing. It looked like they were hiding from Specter when obviously the safest place had to be Specter.

Specter was a very nice pony who would not let the ice-cream near him.

[br]

The door of the cottage burst open and Specter found himself being bowled over by a large bowler hat travelling at high speeds. It came to a rest on top of his head, even as he regained his balance, twitching nervously occasionally.

"What in the wide, wide world of Equestria?" Luna aimed her horn, flashing with deadly light, primed at Specter's head.

"That would be Wilhelm." Twilight sighed, matter-of-factly. "He's a changeling."

"Why doth such a foul being still draw breath in present company?" the princess asked, bewildered voice hitching slightly.

"I-" Specter began.

"I do not like bugs." Luna added desperately.

"-Like him." Specter finished lamely, putting down the mixing bowl he was holding to pat the bug-cum-bowler (as opposed to a bowler made of a bug's- ecchem),

"He does seem to have a really bizarre sort of charm to him, doesn't he?" Twilight muttered. "Even if he is still a soul-sucking emotional tick, he's still a rather affectionate soul-sucking emotional tick."

The hat chirped happily at the acknowledgement, settling its shudders.

"Yes, well, we shall see." Luna arched an eyebrow.

"Sommes-nous prêts pour cela, ou quoi?" A rather impatient voice from the oven called, causing the hat to start shaking again.

"Sorry, Wilhelm, I forgot to introduce you. Haunting the oven is Crème Douce, Ramsey's old master's master's master's, ad nauseum, master. Taking the blender is-"

"Je ne comprends pas un mot qu'il dit?" The blender whined.

"Radotage inepte. Pouvons-nous commencer, s'il vous plaît?" The oven replied imperiously.

"-Pâte Feuilletée, his associate." Specter growled. Turning back to the oven and blender he growled something back to them in the strange, fancy language that made the scary alicorn giggle, much to the hat's relief. In his experience things didn't giggle when they were about to do horrible things to you, they cackled.

Giggling was a safe thing to hear.

"Ramsey is outside for misbehaving. Not that these two are any better," Specter shot a warning look, "But at least they aren't saying it in a language Twilight or Luna understand."

"Et ce qui vous rend supposer que, mon petit poney?" Luna said in fluent Fancy, causing Specter to wince.

"I'm sorry, but I still can't." Twilight interjected. "And I hate being a third wheel but not as much as I hate not knowing things."

"She asked why I assumed she couldn't speak Fancy. I'm now asking myself the same question." Specter moaned.

"Alors pourquoi vous nous ignorez?" The oven fumed, a notoriously easy accomplishment for an oven. The blender whirred its agreement in the universal tongue of displeasure: Spinning blades.

"Parce que cela nous amuse." Luna declared, wracking Specter with laughter.

"Sorry, again, but-"

"The oven, Crème Douce, asked why I was ignoring him, if I could understand him this whole time.." Luna nodded primly. "I informed him it amused me to do so."

"Oh."

"They do seem to be rather insufferable. It must be a prerequisite in food preparation." Luna sighed. "I know it is in poor taste to speak ill of my ponies, but..." the princess trailed off hopelessly.

"What, no jokes about respecting the dead?" Twilight grinned.

"Why, that doesn't come so readily to mind when the dead in question appear to be rather active kitchen appliances."

Specter shook his head with a wry grin. "Shoo, everypony, as of now this is my kitchen, and I do not wish to be interrupted until I am done." He said with as much pomp and circumstance as possible.

"Specter, we were joking about ill manners being a prerequisite."

"Hrrm? Oh, no, I mean it," Specter deflated, pouting, "This is hard enough as it is without other ponies getting in the way. I don't exactly have a big enough kitchen."

"Well, then, what are we supposed to do in the interim, gracious host?" Luna raised an accusatory eyebrow. "Or had you planned on leaving us to our own devices."

"Well, you're both fully grown mares." Specter pointed out, going back to stirring his bowl of vanilla-smelling something, "Twilight, I've noticed you haven't talked to Pluto yet, and Luna, I think Wilhelm would like it very much if you read him his favourite story. I forgot to put it away, so it should be easy enough to find. I suspect you'll enjoy it."

As Twilight turned to leave Luna's eyes widened in shock when the bowler hat on Specter's head leapt, buzzing into life, and unceremoniously plopped down on hers, still buzzing excitedly. She raised her hooves to fling the thing off when the hat did the most bizarre thing.

Luna's eyes relaxed, rolling back in her head a little, as the hat vibrated, massaging just about all the right places.

Specter chuckled, pouring his batter - custard? - into a pan filled with sponge. "That's very nice Wilhelm. If you're good, I might just give you some ice-cream when I'm finished."

"Ow!" Luna yelped, "We think it just bit us!"

"Fine then. No ice-cream for Wilhelm." Specter scolded.

And with that the hat cheerfully went back to massage.