Twilight Sparkle vs Barbara, Queen of the Communists

by Greenback

Rating: everyone
Tags: Tempest Shadow, Spike, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe
Length: 4306

Twilight and Tempest fight to save the world from communists in a story written by a predictive text generator

When Twilight Sparkle learns that Barbara, Queen of the Communists, plans to detonate bombs all over the world to turn everyone into communists, she must team up with Tempest Shadow to save both humanity and ponies from Marxism in a gripping, mesmerizing, and utterly bizarre tale written with a predictive text generator.

This story was adapted into an audio reading by Curtis Wildcat, which you can listen to here!

Published 2019-03-23 07:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-03-28 18:09:17 UTC

Chapter Two: Operation Lady Beatrix Wulfrith Is Really Harmless

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter One: When Somepony Seems Like Every Other Weapon

Author's Note

As noted in the story description, this story was written with the assistance of a predictive text generator: AKA, the thing in your smartphone that offers suggestions on what words to use when you're typing out a text message.

To create this story, I used the predictive text generator offered by Botnik, and used several different text files as databases, including transcripts of all MLP: FIM up to season 9, pancake recipes, historical descriptions, Rogue tips for an RPG, Halloween safety tips, and Carl Marx's Communist Manifesto. Once those databases were loaded, I then started writing the story, using words the program suggested.

It's important to note that this story was not written entirely by the text generator: Whenever I finished a chapter, I typically had paragraphs of nonsense like this:

Twilight continued on, her spell healing everyone around her with love. This was rather frightening, as everyone was shaking so badly that they flew off into the forest of pointed teeth, their earmuffs impatiently staring through the trees.

I then edited down the material to create something halfway coherent. While I did have a basic idea of what the story was going to be after doing the first chapter, everything that came after was improvised on the spot based on the generator's suggestions, some of which are... well, surreal, to say the least.

Lastly, I've been working on this story for two months, but Ultra-the-HedgeToaster's story, "Botnik Sparkle makes a hoof" came up first, so I pinkie promise I'm not stealing the idea of a predictive text story. However, some of the notes and resources he linked to - such as the transcripts of all the episodes of MLP to date - were immensely valuable in making this tale the best(?) it could be.

Chapter One: When Somepony Seems Like Every Other Weapon

One cold, clear morning, Twilight Sparkle woke up inside her castle and realized that constant social conditions without development involves a system of wives in England. And not only that, but she had dreamed of a creature that could ruin her fixtures and fittings. She had laughed and destroyed all of Twilight's plants and dvds of the show 'Mercy and Might: The Legend of the Headless Hotel.' But worst of all was when the creature had emerged from the shadows and revealed herself to be Barbara.

"You will find something you'd never expect in your heart," she had said. "Convent maps!"

Her laugh still echoed in Twilight's thoughts.

“Spike!” she cried.

Spike immediately ran into East Germany and called Twilight on his phone. “What is unfit to attain its own supremacy?!” he asked.

“That's not important now!” Twilight said as she nervously eyed the toilet. “We have to get to the castle and ask Celestia why communists are everywhere!”

“Why should we do that?” Spike asked. “We can dance all night! Yeah, yeah, I really wanna dance!” And so Spike began to dance, but then began to sob. “Why? Why can't my mirror in the mirror make Pepsi?”

“Spike,” Twilight said, wanting nothing more than to make Spike's dream come true, “We should rest a little while before I go down the stairs.” Even as she spoke, Twilight wished she hadn't. The stairs were determined to make Spike wiser than her. If that happened, he would certainly find work tedious and meaningless, and if that ever came to pass, Spike would leave her.

“Twilight?” Spike asked over the phone. “What country compels us to deny our dreams?”

Twilight wasn't sure how to answer. Barbara. Convent maps. East Germany. Flowers. Communists, and now the stairs. Twilight knew she couldn't solve this on her own. She needed a wife who could disarm bombs.

“Spike, come home,” Twilight said. “I wanna rock across the floor and shout uuuuuuh.”

***

With a goal and a destination in mind, Twilight ran into the streets.

The sun looked down at Twilight. “What are you doing?” It demanded.

“I'm going to Tempest's house,” Twilight said.

“Why?”

“To ask her to be my wife.”

“Why?”

“So we can concentrate on death.”

“That is acceptable,” the sun said. “Proceed.”

Twilight continued on until she reached Tempest's house. “Tempest!” she yelled while thinking about coloring books. “I need you!”

Tempest opened the door. “What's wrong?” she asked.

“I need you to be my wife.”

“Okay,” Tempest said. “I can do that.”

Relieved, Twilight trotted inside, humming a brutal tune from Montana. Tempest watched her go, reminding herself to run away soon.

“Now, Twilight, you may rest until spring,” Tempest said. “Until then, please tell me nothing.”

“Okay,” Twilight said, and lay down.

When spring came several months later, Twilight moved. “Can we talk now?” she asked.

“Of course,” Tempest said. “Now, what's England doing to make you feel dangerously awful?”

“It's not England that's my problem,” Twilight said. “It's that East Germany will use us with every ruling class in Germany to attain sympathy from blind individuals for national emancipation from France.”

Tempest was shocked. “That's greedy. What can we do to increase capital and thereby renew untenable asceticism?”

“We need to disarm all the bombs.”

“Is that all?”

“No,” Twilight said. “We need to have Celestia marry us all.”

***

With a plan now in motion, Twilight and Tempest ran to the Royal Palace, where Celestia was tripping on sidewalks.

“Princess Celestia!” Twilight said. “Why are the communists everywhere?”

Celestia picked herself off the street. “Because of Barbara, the communists are periodically destroyed, but they always come back with the power of zenzizenzizenzic love.”

Twilight was horrified. She had always hated communists, and now she had to learn more about their parents. But that would have to wait: There were doomed children by the Scottish church, and they were all looking at the fire hydrant.

“Celestia, I need you to marry Tempest, me, and everypony else in Equestria!”

“Of course, Twilight! I'll be happy to after I give God unwrapped copper vegetables.”

“Celestia, God and the vegetables can become friends,” Twilight said, “but only after the wedding!”

“Oh my, you're right!” Celestia said. “Come!”

A short time later, the three entered Celestia's family home and laughed at the notion that friendship ends when there's plenty of gin.

“Now,” Celestia said, “you wanted to get married?”

“Yes,” Twilight said.

“Then let us begin,” Celestia said. She stood behind the luxurious podium. “Twilight, Tempest, do do you think this relationship is doomed?”

“No,” they said.

“Do you, Twilight, pledge to take my problem and know that I won't have a problem anymore?”

“Yes,”

“Tempest, do you pledge to eat only factory-made cars and bags?”

“Yes.”

“And do you, Equestria, pledge to share passions and political treachery with everyone?”

“Yes,” Equestria said.

“Then by the power vested in me by the Scottish chieftain Alex, I hereby pronounce you all my friends!”

Twilight and Tempest cheered, as did Equestria and everyone in it.

“Now that you are all married,” Celestia said, “we're about to die!”

“No,” Twilight said. “Tempest and I need to get to East Germany and disarm the bombs.”

“Bombs?”

“Yes, the bombs,” Twilight said. “The ones that will infest Europe with communists. The big, old, noblewoman Barbara, made them. She wants to be master of all time. We must stop her.”

“That is a wondrous idea!” Celestia said. “You have my blessing. Now go and laugh together.”

Twilight went to Celestia. “Thank you, Celestia. I'll never forget your kindness.”

Celestia smiled, putting a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “Twilight, remember this when you're about to die: God is celebrating Halloween in Detroit, where He gets His daily reports with candy and tombstones.”

Smiling, Twilight chased Tempest to the legendary love rainbow, and onto the waiting plane.

Chapter 3: The Best Things Are Always Located In The Dungeon

Chapter 3: The Best Things Are Always Located In The Dungeon

George was wasted as he fell towards America. Specifically, Arizona.

“Hold on!” Twilight shouted at Tempest. “This is going to be a lot harder to resist than anything you can imagine!”

“I can imagine your head displayed aboard a sunken ship.”

Twilight screamed.

George - who was now dead - fell into a dangerous city, his landing broken by a giant statue of a big dog. It crumbled and everyone fell onto the ground.

“Tempest!” Twilight got off the ground. “Are you still searching for your true identity?!”

Tempest got to her favorite hooves. They were voted the best weapon in her yearbook, with special attention given to the amount of damage dealt to ponies who have good looks.

“No,” Tempest said. “I am looking for the last bomb and my book about giving lots of stuff back to the public after witnessing firsthand the horrors of Waterloo.”

“We need to find the last bomb. But where is it?”

“The Town of Timber!” Tempest said. “It has to be there!”

Twilight and Tempest ran out of the city and into the desert. It was very busy, as a missile launcher was erasing all the nearby animals from history.

“That launcher!” Twilight said. “It can find the Town of Timber!”

“But how?”

“We just have to offer it a lesson about wooing vikings.”

Hurrying over, Twilight told the missile launcher how to woo vikings. It was so impressed that it agreed to share a special ability with the two ponies: How to avoid eating weapons. When the lesson was given, the launcher turned towards the sky.

“Lets go!” Twilight said.

“But how do we make sure we can make it back?”

“We won't.”

Wrapping her legs around Tempest's castle, Twilight waited until Tempest got to the top of the castle's tower and laughed as Twilight's wings beat, carrying them all up into the heavens.

***

Tempest's castle rose higher into the sky. It was very valuable; its walls were all made of love. Specifically, love for one's accountant.

“How much longer must we go?” Tempest yelled to Twilight.

“Not much longer!” Twilight yelled. “We will be there in a few minutes.”

A few minutes later, and the castle burst through the Rainbow of Chaos and emerged before The Town of Timber. It was a great mansion made out of plastic.

“Get your gun ready, Tempest!” Twilight shouted, pointing at a towel hanging from the mansion's 3rd door. “The last bomb is in the Dungeon of Love!"

“Too bad you will never judge your feet!” a voice cried out.

A door opened on the mansion's upper level. Accompanied by her loyal communist ladies, Barbara walked onto the balcony and laughed. “I am Barbara, Queen of the Communists, and you will regret your time with the Cornish water princess!”

“Barbara!” Twilight yelled. “We are here to disarm your last bomb and laugh at your bonnet!”

Twilight and Tempest's hooves ran away.

“Ha ha!” Barbara said. “How will you disarm my bombs now?!”

Twilight and Tempest didn't answer, because they were erased from history.

Chapter 4: In Which Monsters Develop European Cars Nobody Will Ever Make

When she could hurt again, Twilight opened her eyes and gasped. She was in a world of breathtaking freaks who looked like a swarm of monkeys.

“Hello?” Twilight asked. “Is anyone there?”

A form emerged from the monkeys. It was a large moose.

“Raised Amelia?”

“No,” the moose said. “I am not Raised Amelia. I am her mother's engineer. My name is Sophie missile. I am the ruler of this place.”

“Where am I?” Twilight asked.

“You are in the realm of forgotten souls. Here resides the souls of those who were erased from history.”

“But how did I get here?”

“I erased you.”

"What? But why?”

“Because you didn't learn about Irish magic. Now you must teach forgiveness to the monkeys."

“But I can't do that! I have to head back with Tempest and defeat Barbara to save Equestria and my husbands and wives!”

“You have a good point,” Sophie said. “But to leave this place requires sacrifice: You must choose between upholding your true identity as a shotgun or turning your back on your faithful friends.”

No, Twilight thought. This... this can't be happening! She couldn't let her friends become rivals and compromise everything they had created when food was erased from history. But she didn't want to no longer be a shotgun. The pony suit she always wore kept everyone from discovering her true form, but she couldn't give up being a weapon.

“Well, Twilight Sparkle,” Sophie asked. "What is truly worth fighting for?"

“Sequels.”

“And?”

“My friends.”

“So you agree to no longer be a shotgun?”

It was painful, but Twilight knew what she had to do.

“I am no longer a good shotgun,” she said. “I am now, and forever will be, a good book.”

Sophie nodded, pleased. “You will return to history.”

“What about Tempest?”

“She will have an army of the Loyal Rainbow Friends who will help you. Now go: Return and laugh at the animal you will find.”

A great white shark sailed out of the mountains and took Twilight in its arms and flew towards an enormous hotel about 20 billion miles away. It took over 5,000 arrows fired from the bow on the shark's back to unlock the door leading back to the land of the living.

Chapter 5: Never Expect The Game To Show You The Way

The shark emerged from the portal and floated before Barbara's mansion and dropped Twilight onto the ground before reading Jane Austen's book, “Accepting Love For Myself And My Wild Alligator.”

Leaping to her feet, Twilight pointed a hoof at Barbara. “Barbara!”

“So, my little pony, you have returned with plenty of chairs and tables!” Barbara laughed. “Too bad you've forgotten the most important quality of all! Being cold!”

“I don't need to be cold to defeat you!” Twilight yelled back. “I have the grenade of love!” She held up the grenade, which was made from ground-up shopkeepers.

Barbara's ladies provided turtles to Barbara as they screamed and ran away. But Barbara didn't run: she wasn't going to let the pony before her ruin her life by being unpleasant and powerful.

“Give up, Twilight,” Barbara boasted. “You can't defeat me and my experience! I've always been killed, but I always return to show off my ability!”

“And what ability is that?”

“The power to run for president!”

Jumping up and pulling out a boat, Barbara laughed as she threw the boat. Twilight saw it and teleported to Barbara. The two slammed into each other and fell onto the mansion's roof, where they spent more than 1,000 days punching each other and dreaming of love.

The turning point came when Barbara finally discovered Twilight's only weakness: beds.

Grabbing an ornate and powerful bed, Barbara hit Twilight in the mouth and knocked her into a car that fell into a tent that fell into a pit filled with water and statues of the gulf of Mexico. But there was an evil thing in the water, a monster that Twilight had only heard about, the most dangerous and terrifying animal in the world: The Lavender Alligator.

The hungry alligator, spotting Twilight, turned and swam towards her. But Twilight backed away, watching the alligator and laughing at it, because Sophie Missile had told her to do so. The alligator, unable to endure the laughing, flopped onto the hull of a boat and laughed until the only remaining elk in the world sent something in a box: a great white horse called Leo Gursky, who convinced the alligator to give up and prepare to fight Sauron.

With the velvet alligator distracted, Twilight crawled from the pit and looked up to Barbara. “It's over, Barbara! I have yet to defeat vegetarians like you, but I'm still happy to try!”

Barbara frowned. “You still can't stop me, Twilight Sparkle! I'm brutish and powerful and diligent! You'll never get my bomb!”

“I can't,” Twilight admitted. “But I know that you have little interest in attending a USO club and dancing!”

And with that, a dozen rock guardians instantly transformed into kittens. Above them, a portal opened and Tempest emerged. Behind her was the army of Loyal Rainbow Friends, who were terrifying children dressed to look like Polaroids of your home.

“Rainbow Friends!” Tempest shouted. “Attitude is something that will last forever!”

With a great yell, the Loyal Rainbow Friends created the best thing ever: the world's biggest towel. They used it like a warrior's towel, attacking Barbara as Tempest went to Twilight.

“Come, Twilight! We must reach the Dungeon of Love!”

Getting up, the two ponies responsible for collecting more than fifty chalices made from human skulls hurried to the third door of the mansion and went inside, leaving the sounds of snapping towels behind.

***

It was very cool inside the Dungeon of Love: Everywhere Twilight looked, she saw happy visitors inside cells which were colored red and purple and decorated with different kinds of sexual content, like polaroids of the war of 1812 and beautiful Finnish yearbooks.

Everyone was enjoying carnage with their friends and their enemies. They were laughing now, but Twilight wasn't fooled: When the last bomb went off, they would be possessed by Tim, the king's navy officer who was killed in America while playing with sharks. Once that happened, all the visitors, and everyone around the world, would be forced to be communists.

“Tempest, we have to hurry!” Twilight said.

“If my dying wish to end up encrusted with salt comes true,” Tempest said, “I'll die well.”

The two quickly buried a shy judge in the ground and rushed to the fairy flying before the ornate, golden talisman of the tortoise.

“Fairy!” Tempest said. “Where is the bomb?!”

“Inside the tortoise,” the fairy said, “but to open it, you must believe in America and Norway.”

“Okay.”

The tortoise shuddered and cracked open. The fairy suddenly yawned and turned into the bomb.

“There!” Twilight yelled.

Taking her missile, Tempest adjusted its weight.

“My friends!”

Rushing down the stairs, Barbara tripped and fell on the hard floor. She was covered with welts, bruises, and many branches.

“You cannot do this!” Barbara implored as she stood up.

“Tell us why,” Twilight said.

“Because the world beyond your head is too valuable! Even as we speak, the sunlight is making everyone remember that the worst things are soda and babysitting.”

“She has a point,” Tempest said.

“But more importantly,” Barbara said, “if you destroy my bomb, we won’t be the same archetype of enemies. Don't you see? We have to share London and love.”

Smiling, Barbara extended her calf. “Come. Let us discuss pretty gowns.”

Twilight said nothing. She wanted to believe Barbara, but she wasn't fooled by the friendly voice or enchanting eyeliner. Life had taught her that the woman who only seeks the worst situations is an extraordinary brat, and will never judge a book by its weight.

“Sorry, Barbara,” Twilight said. “Your colony has departed for North Korea.”

“No!” Barbara screamed.

Grabbing Twilight as she threw down the missile, Tempest photographed the beautiful computer in the corner and jumped, grabbing the painting of the guy on the ceiling, holding on tight as the floor exploded, sending Barbara down to the Arizona desert.

The bomb shook and then spread its arms out to accept Twilight's cure for itself. A bright flash, and Barbara's last bomb turned into the bed of migration, which basically meant that it was a jetpack.

“We did it!” Tempest yelled. “We did it!”

Sighing, Twilight relaxed in Tempest's hold.

“Shall we go home?” Tempest asked.

“Yes,” Twilight answered. “I think we have learned a very valuable lesson: Never forget that you are the most brutal weapons you shouldn't have.”

With that, Twilight and Tempest's skills with tank driving came to life, and they glowed a bright red color before they were teleported away.

***

Meanwhile, Barbara was still falling. She fell for 99 minutes before she hit Arizona, sending up a cloud of dark magic bubbles. Wheezing and sore, she stood, dusting herself off.

“Curse those little ponies! When I find them, I'll never stop playing with their stress levels!”

Then the clouds burst open and red jellies fell down like rain.

“What is the meaning of duty?!” Barbara shouted as plants erupted from the ground around her.

“Dear little one,” the sun said. “Your only hope now is to prove that you can pour fifteen glasses of sugar from your fingers.”

“Why?”

“So I won't have to kill you.”

Barbara frantically squeezed her fingers, but all that came out was 2 eggs and vanilla extract.

“How unorthodox,” the sun said.

“Wait!” Barbara frantically waved her hands, sending out waves of smooth peanut butter. “I can still have fun!”

“Irrelevant.”

With a wave of its wand, the sun sent down its ultimate weapon: the ancient, bloodsucking Caribbean Flamingo.

“Nooooo!” Barbara screamed.

The flamingo grabbed the Queen of the Communists and then stomped her into a large bowl until she was smooth and fluffy. It added a cup of fresh parsley and a pinch of garlic before eating the bowl and flying back into the sun.

“Justice wavers,” the sun said. “But I will always make sure it has fifteen more minutes of playtime.”

The clouds continued to make clothing as the sun disappeared.

Chapter 6: The Best Things Soon Boil Over

Compared to how long it took to disarm all of Barbara's bombs, getting back to Equestria was surprisingly easy once the Sharks of Smiles gave Twilight and Tempest work in the ice caves as fuel tanks. The work was very useful, and when it was over, they got 90 men to carry them across the Atlantic.

Now safely back home, Twilight and tempest were happy to destroy everything that could ask for advice. That took two years and covered 32,000 kilometers from where they landed. With the land wounded, Twilight and Tempest skipped and danced back home to Ponyville.

“We're finally home!” Twilight said.

“And everything is so unblemished!” Tempest said. And it was true: Ponyville was having a great time with the lovely Evangeline and her three generations of Texans.

“Twilight!” Pinkie Pie ran off a woman and laughed. “You're no longer having a great time!”

“It's good to see you, Pinkie,” Twilight said, overjoyed at seeing her friends again.

Pinkie yanked out her heart and laughed. “The independent heroines of dishonesty want to read the guidebook to valuable princess to you after I throw you a totally cool party!”

“Sure,” Twilight said. “But first we need to go into the pit under the mistletoe and share our desires with the water.”

“Okay!”

Everyone, overjoyed at the return of their obligations, dove into the pit and spent the next few minutes revealing their feelings for everyone with the water.

***

Now feeling as good as a warrior who was murdered by Viennese artists, Twilight and Tempest crawled out of the pit. But as tempting as it would be to make viking plantations, they still needed to make their final report to Celestia.

Leaving their husbands and wives to make sweet, sweet ammo, the two boarded the first train to Canterlot and rode it all the way to the city. Once they arrived, the two disembarked and laughed at seeing 19th century novelists driving safely in the streets. Taking their time, the two heroes of Equestria walked to the Royal Palace.

"Greetings, Princess Twilight!" The guards said at the gate. "We're proud of your lungs!"

“And we're happy to share them both,” Twilight said. “But first, we must see Princess Celestia.”

“Of course! Go to the Archives of the Stick.”

Waltzing through the quiet halls of the palace, Twilight and Tempest finally arrived at the Archives of the Stick, which held boulders, anchors, and the country's biggest collection of pretty gowns and shoulders.

“Twilight! Tempest!” Celestia emerged from a pile of facts. “You have returned! Is Barbara now campaigning for president?”

“She's not due to,” Tempest said.

“Then she has departed our fair world?”

Twilight and Tempest nodded.

“Praise the candy!” Celestia said. “Now we may all ensure that gardens and firemen are going to be safe.” She took a scroll from the porch and started to write down her Halloween celebration plans. “But before we can declare this matter closed, I need a flashlight containing fresh batteries and your friendship report.”

“Consider it done,” Twilight said.

***

Later that evening, Twilight and Tempest were at home, lying on their delightful bed. Bottles of ground-up blessings sat on the nightstand, illuminated by the setting sun outside the windows.

“So...” Tempest said as Twilight got her scroll ready.

“So?”

“Are we... You know... Going to make painful choices about giving money to our friends?”

“Later,” Twilight said. “I have to write now.” Picking up her beautiful shotgun, Twilight began to write.

“Dear princess Celestia: Today, I learned that when you're aboard the Titanic, you could injure yourself and others if you take your eyes out. But you can do something else: you can imagine how it might feel to share your fortress with others and your god. When you do that, you just might learn about friendship. Therefore, when you offer photographs of your home to your friends, always remember to share your true feelings. That way, everyone can become friends, and sometimes spawn a young cleric desperate to escape the country.

“Sincerely, your loyal friend, Twilight Sparkle.”

With the report complete, Twilight took it and then stomped it into the dungeon below the bed, where it would not be useful.

“Well, are you ready?” Tempest asked with her most dazzling voice.

Twilight smiled and lay down, putting her hooves beneath her chin. “You have the grenade launcher?”

Tempest pulled it out from underneath the pillow.

“Perfect.”

Thus, the two ponies threw themselves into a container of fresh mozzarella and salt, where they spent their lives intertwined each other's legs and enjoying artworks of wasps.

THE END