The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the butterflies were even more boisterous than usual. In Equestria, in Canterlot Rural District, in Ponyville Township, in the Castle of Friendship, Spike yawned.
What a lovely day! was the thought uppermost in his mind as he hopped swiftly out of bed, stretched, pulled back the curtains, and very nearly almost considered wearing some clothes, just to shake things up a bit, before decided that not only was it too warm, but that he quite liked a healthy breeze around the boys.
Having brushed back his head-spines (which didn't take long, there being only four), he pushed open his bedroom door and legged it swiftly downstairs to the kitchen, whence a delicious smell was wafting - a smell of toast, and marmalade, and oranges, and maybe even a spot of Maremite.
With these scents lying thickly in the air, like a pleasant but mildly malodorous canine, Spike hurried as fast as hit little legs could carry him. Once in the kitchen, he found Starlight, usually so bad at cooking but a dab-hoof at whipping up a homemade Maremite sandwich, busily engaged in doing just that.
"Morning Starlight!" called out the eager young dragon, nabbing his favourite chair - the one by the window - before Twilight could teleport in and take it for herself. "How're you doing?"
Starlight, tongue between teeth in concentration as she applied just the right about of Maremite to some fresh slices of toast, didn't answer immediately, but as soon as she was able, she said, "I'm good thanks, Spike! You 'kay?"
Spike nodded happily in reply, smiling gratefully as the erstwhile dictator carefully placed a huge pile of Maremite and marmalade toast in front of him. "Thanks, Starlight!"
He was just about to tuck in, when suddenly there came a tapping, as of some one gently rapping, rapping at the castle door. "Drat," muttered the dragon to himself, taking a quick bite, standing up again and running to answer whoever was there.
Upon arriving at the entrance to the castle, he swiftly shot back the bolts, turned the enormous, wrought-iron key in the lock, and swang open the door. (Swang? Swung? Swinged? All of the above? Spike didn't know, and frankly didn't care.)
He was surprised to be met with the smiling face of Mayor Mare, current Mayor of Ponyville (which was fortunate, given that 'Mayor' was, in fact, her first name!), and well-known purchaser of grey mane-dye; standing next to her was another pony, a large, medium grey stallion with dark grey mane and tail. She grinned, awkwardly, and inquired, "Good morning, Spike - I don't suppose the Princess is at home, is she?"
Spike swallowed the last of the toast he had been chewing before the knocking began, and nodded, saying, "Yeah, she's in - she's just getting up. Can I help you?"
"Ah, I see," murmured the Mayor, "Well, the thing is - it's really rather awkward - but you see - well, maybe my friend Red Tape here can explain!"
With a look of utter relief, she fell silent, and motioned the hitherto silent unicorn to step forward. He was blunt, and straight to the point. "You haven't paid your rent for five years. You have half an hour to provide money for the back payments, and if you choose not to comply you will be evicted."
There was a short, strained silence, in which Spike first felt confusion, then shock, then fear. When the threat had fully sunk in (sunk? sank? sinked?), he turned to face the castle's interior, and called, "TWILIGHT!"
Fortunately for the sake of his awkward thumb twiddling, Twilight had evidently heard the summons, because a few seconds later she manifested on the front step, simultaneously temporarily blinding and deafening all and sundry in the process. After the ringing in everypony's ears had settled, she asked, "What's going on? What's wrong, Spike?"
Spike waved in anxious silence at the stern-looking stallion before them, who repeated his earlier statement with minor amendments. "Princess Twilight Sparkle? It is my duty to inform you that, as you have not paid rent for. . ." - he consulted a clipboard he was holding rigidly in his magic - "Not paid rent for sixty-two months, and have ignored our frequent letters of warning, you have half an hour to provide the back payments, or face immediate eviction from the premises."
Twilight swallowed. "Wh-what?" she stammered.
The frowning unicorn growled menacingly, as though he really, really didn't want to repeat it all over again; Mayor Mare took it upon herself to explain. "The thing is, Twilight," she reasoned, taking on a conversational tone, "You haven't paid any rent for the last five years - we have the records to prove it. And as you have consistently ignored all our final warnings. . ."
She trailed off, as though the point she was trying to make was obvious. But Twilight was shaking her head, partly in confusion, but mostly in disagreement. "Whoa now, just hold on a second!" she cried. "Why do I need to pay rent on a property I own?"
The Mare and the Bailiff exchanged glances. "Well, we did explain that in the first letter, Twilight. But seeing as you ask. . . After the, shall we say, 'unscheduled disassembly' of Golden Oaks Library - which was merely rented to you, as I'm sure you'll recall - your place of residence shifted to here. And as you never told us anything to the contrary, we just sort of assumed you wanted to continue the previous arrangement."
Twilight frowned. "You do know that it was Celestia who paid the rent for Golden Oaks, not me, right?"
The Mayor nodded. "Yes, we are aware of that. But as neither you nor the Princess have paid anything for this property. . ."
She fell quiet again, silently willing Twilight to understand and accept that she was in the wrong. But Twilight was having none of it, arguing, "But you can't just assume I'm still okay paying rent on a completely different property! It's not like it was even me who put the thing here!"
"No," conceded the Mayor, "But you do live here."
"Of course I do! I own the place!"
At this statement both the Mayor and the Bailiff looked surprised; "You - you own the castle?" queried the former.
"Yes! Why, did you think the Tree of Harmony just happened to gift the town with a giant castle made of crystal, on the day my old home was destroyed, entirely by chance?"
"Well - we, er. . ." The Mayor was definitely looking uncomfortable now; Spike tried to read the expression of the stentorian stallion standing beside her, but he grimaced at him so unpleasantly that he looked away.
"And there's another thing!" continued Twilight - she was on a role, and there ain't nobody who can beat her at an argument when she knows she's right. "Even if the town did own the castle, you can't evict me anyway! Because you haven't sent me any warnings!"
Hearing this, Red Tape humphed in disagreement, and the Mayor put on her 'I've got you now' face. "Oh really? You've not received a single one? We've sent you. . ." - she consulted Red Tape's notes - "We've sent you no less than fifty warnings, Twilight - fifty! And you've ignored each and every one."
Smiling smugly, the Mayor allowed the Princess a few seconds for that fact to sink in. But rather than looking annoyed, or outraged, Twilight merely appeared confused. "Really?" she murmured, "You've really sent that many?"
Mare Mayor held her peace, waiting for Twilight to finish her train of thought. She didn't have long to wait, as the alicorn asked: "Can I see the information you're using to work all of this out?"
Though rather surprised at this odd request, the Mayor saw no harm in it, and nodded at Red Tape for him to pass Twilight the clipboard. After grasping it with her magic, Twilight scanned through the neatly paperclipped sheets, before finding whatever it was she was looking for. "Hah!" she cried in triumph, smirking in a way which the Mayor found rather disturbing.
"Well? What is it you've found?" she inquired impatiently.
Twilight chuckled to herself, half in amusement and half in relief. "I knew you wouldn't be lying about having sent the letters, and I for one know we've never received them - so I checked the address you've got on file for me."
She held up the clipboard, using a hoof to draw the Mayor's attention to a particular passage. "It says here that the letters were addressed to: 'Princess Twilight Sparkle, Golden Oaks Library, Ponyville."
With that, she dropped the clipboard heavily, the 'smack' of it hitting the ground punctuating her point nicely. The Mayor stammered in confusion; "Y-you mean. . . For all these months, w-we've been sending the letters to the - to the wrong address?"
"Yup!" twinkled Twilight prettily, "And even better, you've sent them not to a house, but to a bombsite!"
Mayor Mare and Red Tape turned to exchange glances, both of them swallowing nervously. The Mayor tried one last time to claw back some control of the situation; "B-but - that doesn't change the fact that you haven't paid the rent! There's still back payments to be made!"
Twilight rolled her eyes in annoyance, muttered, "Sweet mother of Luna. . ." and disappeared, teleporting away.
She reappeared with a crack, a flash, and a sheet of thick, manilla paper. She waited until everypony's heads had stopped spinning, then announced with vexing delight, "Here you are, Mayor Mare - the title deed to the castle, complete with Princess Celestia's signature! I think you'll find it's all in order."
The Mayor grasped the document irritably, scanning the rows of neat, hoofwritten script with her annoyance plain to see. "Fine!" she admitted at last, after a shrug from Red Tape had shown that, as far as he was concerned, this whole debacle was nothing to do with him; "Fine! Have it your way. Here's your mouldy old title deed - and much happiness may it bring you!"
So saying, she turned tail and stormed off, flinging the oh-so-important sheet over her shoulder as she went; Twilight caught it with her magic before it hit the floor.
"Well!" she sighed, watching the Mayor and the Bailiff trudge back off up the street, "I'm glad that's over!"
"I'll say," Spike agreed, as they shut the door behind them, and trotted as one back towards the simple meal, now growing steadily ever colder, which Starlight had prepared for them.
There was still one thing bothering the young dragon, however. "Twilight," he began, breaking into a jog to keep up with her longer strides, "If the Tree of Harmony just made the castle grow out of the ground, where did you get the title deed from?"
Twilight winked. "Let's just say I thought this day might come - and I've had plenty of opportunity to study Celestia's writing. . ."
Covering his mouth in delightfully mischievous glee, Spike tittered all the way back to the kitchen.
Author's Note
LOL. What a banter-queen, Twi.
