You Can’t Eat The Crystal Heart!

by Twilight Glimmer

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Shining Armor, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Princess Cadance, Comedy
Length: 1303

Somepony got sick of Knit Wit and decided to teleport him to the Crystal Empire, where he proceeds to try and eat the Crystal Heart.

Knit Wit is still hungry, and he wants to eat something.

He’s in the mood for some rock candy.

The crystal heart is hard and shiny.

Rock candy is hard and shiny.

That makes the crystal heart rock candy!

Edited by:moonbutters

Published 2019-04-05 21:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-04-05 21:10:01 UTC

It Looked Like Candy...

It was about 6 AM in the Crystal Empire, and everything seemed to be completely normal. Everypony was sleeping in their beds. Except for one sunburned pony who was climbing the castle stairs to get to the Crystal Heart. Since crime was so low in the empire, nopony was guarding the Heart, but it was equipped with a magical forcefield that would alert the Prince and Princess if it was disturbed by anyone who hadn’t obtained permission. When the sunburned pony was standing in front of the heart, he took a few seconds to look at it, then, he tried to take a bite out of it. Naturally, this tripped the alarm system. Cadence and Shining Armor quickly woke up when they heard a beeping sound and flashing lights in their bedroom. The security system was designed to only alert the Crystal Royalty and possibly the castle staff. The criminal wasn’t supposed to know that they had gotten caught until Shining Armor and his guards came to stop the offending pony. That is when they should be scared.

Shining rubbed his eyes, “Honey, do you hear that?”

Cadence also rubbed her eyes. “Yeah, it must be the alarm system.”

“Alarm system for what?” Shining said tiredly.

“Fire alarm?”

“We live in a frozen tundra. The only reason we haven't died from hypothermia is because somehow the Crystal Heart magically protects us.”

“Maybe someone is trying to steal the Crystal Heart?”

“Nah. Nopony has tried to steal the Heart since Sombra...” That was all he was able to say before he fell back asleep. Cadence groaned. Now that Flurry Heart was teething, they were lucky to get a moment’s rest at night. It didn’t help that their daughter still had magical surges when she got upset, Sometimes, they even had to call the Royal Mage (who didn’t appreciate being woken up at 2 AM) to help undo the disastrous results of Flurry’s magic.

“Of course. The moment she falls asleep, I have to get up and stop somepony from trying to steal the magical gem that keeps us all from freezing to death.” Cadence thought as she got up out of her bed while Shining Armor slept like a baby. Then, she noticed something on the ground. She looked a little closer and realized that it was a scroll that had been sent sometime during the night. Normally, she would have opened it later, but it had the Royal Seal on it, so it was probably important. Cadence opened the scroll.

Dear Princess Cadence,
Luna and I have decided to retire. I can’t spend another moment listening to some nitwit who wants me to “paint the sky a different color” or “teach them how to open a box.” I could handle it for a while, but when somepony asked me to extinguish the sun, I completely snapped. So I decided to drop all of my duties and responsibilities onto Twilight, who is definitely ready to run a whole country, a school, and solve friendship problems in other countries at the same time. This is confidential information that you must not tell anyone. So, good luck with life, say hello to Shining Armor, and you probably shouldn’t hold court for the next hundred years. Bye!
-Princess Celestia.

Cadence tried to wrap her head around the letter she had just received from her Auntie. “Why shouldn’t I hold court for the next hundred years?! I don’t even hold court now!” Then, she realized that, with all the confusion, she had forgotten about the Heart. She teleported to its location and saw somepony trying to grab the heart with his teeth. Cadence looked a little closer, and saw that the stallion in question was not trying to grab the heart, but was instead trying to eat the heart.

She let out a small cough. The pony turned around and stopped eating the heart. He thought that Cadence looked different. Her mane was messy, her fur was matted, and her left eye was twitching. Deciding to ignore it, the white stallion bowed and said “Hi! I’m Knit Wit. I’m really hungry because Princess Luna wouldn’t go to the moon to get me cheese. So I wanted to try a teeny, tiny little bite out of the Crystal Heart, if that’s alright with you.”

“You’re trying to eat the Crystal Heart?” Normally, Cadence would find a situation like this hilarious, but no mother would find anything hilarious after being kept up all night by a baby who just so happens to be an alicorn that doesn’t know her own power.

“Yes, I am! I wanted some moon cheese, but last night I learned that it is Moon Cheese Preservation Month, so moon cheese is off limits.”

“Wait, who told you it was Moon Cheese Preservation Month?”

“Princess Luna did, of course.”

“I’m confused. If you talked to Luna last night, and it’s about 6 AM now, how are you here? Trains don’t run that late at night.”

“Well...”

“Ah, thank goodness I’m finally over that dreadful hangover,” Celestia said quietly to herself as she woke up one morning. While she wasn’t that much of an alcoholic, waking up the day after a hangover always seemed to bring new hope to the Sun Princess. Today, she would be sure to tell the science teachers at her school to tell their students all about the sun and why you can’t extinguish it. After she put on her regalia and rose the sun, she walked out of her chambers and noticed something. Her worst enemy was standing in front of her. It wasn’t Sombra, Discord, or Crysalis. It was someone much worse. Knit Wit had somehow gotten past the guards and was in the private section of the castle. Celestia decided to not ask how or why he was here, because that would probably lead to ANOTHER hour of pain and suffering. Instead, she decided to teleport him to anywhere that wasn’t Canterlot. After that, she calmly walked to the dining hall to join her sister for breakfast.

“Well, that was certainly an interesting tale,” said Cadence.

“Why, thank you!” said Knit Wit. “I don’t know how I got from Canterlot to here so quickly, but I guess Celestia wasn’t in the mood for questions. I was only going to ask if one plus one equals eleventeen.”

Cadence was baffled. “Um, who exactly let you graduate from kindergarten?” Knit Wit opened his mouth to answer, but was interrupted by Cadence magically closing his mouth for him. “You know what? I’m not sure I really want to know. So, you say you want to eat the Crystal Heart?” Knit Wit nodded. “May I please ask why you would like to eat a bucking diamond?” she asked as she let go of his mouth.

Knit Wit kicked the ground and said “I thought it was rock candy.”

“If I give you directions and a coupon for the actual Crystal Candy Store, will you leave me alone?”

Knit Wit jumped up and down and nodded excitedly. Cadence told him where to go and gave him a coupon for ‘one free crystal candy stick’. As she walked back to the castle, a thought flashed through her mind. “I need to take him off of my ship chart. We definitely don’t need this guy reproducing.”

Author's Note

Hope you guys liked the sequel! The final one is coming up so expect the unexpected...

Request: I would like some original cover art for the next sequel, so if you would be interested, please contact me soon! I can’t pay in money, but I can pay in friendship! So if you wanna help me out, send me some of your work and I’ll contact you soon!