Sincerest Apologies to Nik Kershaw
Makira loved loopholes
The lone sphinx of Equestria scooped up a pawful of treasure, a Queen’s ransom in priceless coins and jewels flowing through her claws like glittering sand.
To her kind, a vow or oath of any kind was unbreakable; they could no more break a promise than a mortal could cough up their own skull. It was their one and only flaw, albeit a serious one. But, as any sphinx worth their treasure could tell you, even the strongest chains could…bend.
The sphinx rolled onto her back, snuggling into the massive heap of rare fabric that was her cushion. She kneaded the makeshift bed with her claws, tearing gashes in priceless cloth.
Sure, thanks to Somnambula, the sun-scorched village she used to raid was now off-limits, and would be for the rest of time. But that thrice-cursed fool hadn’t said anything about the countless other villages spread throughout Equestria. They were still fair game.
Just to be sure, though, she’d traveled to Equestria’s southernmost borders; plenty of villages to terrorize, lots of abandoned temples to take over, and no pesky, riddle-solving pegasi. True, it was bit more humid than she liked, but she’d get used to it. When your lifespan was measured in millenia, you got used to pretty much everything.
Makira plucked a polished golden shield from the treasure pile and stared at the thing she adored the most. She smiled. Beautiful, absolutely beautiful. Silky, mauve fur. Piercing eyes, a mane that mortal mares would kill for, and a figure that no mortal could hope to attain.
There were some mortals who called her kind vain. Some had been stupid enough to say it to her face. They were wrong. Her kind weren’t vain, Not in the slightest. They just knew how to appreciate beauty.
Makira flicked the shield back back onto the pile. It’d be a while before the mortals of that nearby village would respond to her demand, being mortals and all. Oh well, more time for her mid-afternoon nap.
Just before Makira’s could doze off, her ears twitched. She jumped to her paws, back arched and claws unsheathed as hoofsteps echoed down the main hall to her throne room. It couldn’t be villagers. Not this soon.
Curious, she peered down the passageway leading to her throne room. Dimly lit as the hallway was, she could still make out the shape of a blue-green earth pony stallion, slowly trotting towards her.
The moment he crossed the threshold, she snatched the intruder up, dangling him in front of her muzzle.“So, a warrior, come to slay me?” she hissed, plucking away the crude obsidian blade that hung from a cord around his neck. “I can assure you, there are far more pleasant ways to kill yourself.”
To his credit, the stallion quickly regained his composure. “Great Sphinx,” he said “I swear on my ancestors, I mean you no harm.”
“Yet you came uninvited into my home, carrying a knife.”
“That knife was a gift from my father. It is a tool, not a weapon.” He smiled. “Besides, if I’d truly wanted to harm you, wouldn’t I have brought something a bit bigger than a dagger?”
The mortal did have a point.
“If that is the case, then why are you here? Explain!”
“If you will kindly set me down, I will explain everything”
As usual, Makria seriously thought about simply popping the pony into her mouth and having a mid-morning snack. But something intrigued her about this brave, if stupid, stallion. At the very least, he could offer her a few minutes of entertainment.
“Very well.” Gently, Makira set the pony back on the ground. “Now, tell me, who are you?”
“Oh, great Sphinx,” the creature said, retrieving its headdress and then kneeling. “My name is Kisin, son of chief Tetepon.”
Tetepon. Makira remembered that name; he was the chieftain of the village she had threatened earlier that day, some collection of hovels with a name she could barely pronounce. She could still remember their screams as she flew over their pathetic barricades, touching down in the village square.
“I see. Why have you invaded my lair? ”
“Of course, Great-”
“Enough!” Makria commanded. “I already know I am great!” ” After all, she was a sphinx. She was the definition of great. And beautiful. And well-groomed. “I do not need to be reminded every time you open your mouth!”
“Of course.” Kisin said with a wry smile on his face. For a moment, Makira felt something resembling respect for this stallion. By now, most mortals would have melted into balls of jelly from such an outburst. Kisin, however, showed almost no fear. No stammering. No shaking. No signs of fear save a slight tremor on his face. Almost invisible.
Not that she minded. Watching mortals tremble at your presence got boring very quickly.
“Now, to the point, mortal!” She growled. “My lifespan is indefinite, but my patience is not!”
“Gladly.” Kisin bowed. “ I have come here to negotiate on behalf of my father.”
“Negotiate?” Makira gave a low growl. “My demand is still the same. Half of your entire harvest or suffer the consequences No amount of pleading will change that.”
This time she’d decided to try a slightly different tactic instead of the usual “snatch everything and run”. Sure, they’d go hungry now and then, but it’d mean a steady supply of food for her. And those “consequences”? Well, she’d think of something.
“With all due respect, the Gods have not been generous to us this year. Not only have we had a bad harvest, but monsters have devoured much of our stores. We barely have enough food left to feed ourselves, much less you!”
“That is none of my concern. I will be given what I am owed.”
Kisin stopped for a moment. He placed a hoof on his chin. “Very well.” He said. “Very well. If you won’t accept our pleas,would you accept a challenge instead?”
“So, you wish to solve my riddles?”
“Not quite. Forgive me for being impetuous, but I would like to ask you to solve my riddles.
“You—” Makira pointed at Kisin “—wish to challenge me to a game of riddles?” the sphinx raised an eyebrow. This day just became much more interesting.
“If it pleases you, I will ask you three riddles. Should you answer all three of them correctly, then…” He took a deep breath. “ I will become your slave for the rest of my years.”
“And if I lose?”
“If you lose, then you will join me and our warriors. Together, we shall defend our village from all threats and receiving a modest share of our crops in return.” He smiled. “And, while I am at it, you will also allow me to rub your belly.”
Makira gave a deep, rumbling laugh. This mortal was audacious. Stupid but audacious. Challenging one of the slyest, most intelligent creatures in existence to a game of riddles was like challenging a fish to swim or a bird to fly.
“Well, mortal, normally I would devour you alive for such insolence, “ Makira said, tail swaying lazily. “But I am in a good mood today, so I shall accept your little challenge,” She gave a toothy grin. This must have been her lucky day; entertainment and a free slave. “Proceed.”
“Right.” said Kisin. He took a deep breath, then released it. “My first riddle is this: ‘What is as light as a feather-’”
“‘...And yet a thousand stallions could not lift it?” Makira finished. Manners were for mortals. “Simple, it’s a bubble.” She purred.
“Well done. Now for the second riddle: I am the beginning of eternity, the middle of forever-”
“...And the end of infinite? Easy, you are the letter ‘e’”. Makira gave a confident grin “One more to go, mortal.” This stallion was even stupider than she thought. She’d been solving tougher riddles than these since she was a kitten!
Surprisingly, Kisin showed absolutely no sign of worry, despite being a question away from slavery. If anything, he seemed more confident than ever.
“Very well,” Kisin cleared his throat. “My last riddle is this”
“Near a river by a tree
On a cloud in the sky
There’s an old mare of iron
Whose always going by and by
And her mind is a void
In the blanket of the day
No matter what we do
She will never go away”
“Too easy, it...it…” The sphinx placed a paw on her chin. This was... new. She’d heard countless riddles during her life, and made up quite a few herself, but she’d never heard anything like this.
Good. It’d been a while since she had an actual challenge.
“Mortal!”
“Yes?”
“Return to me at sunrise. You will get your answer
“Of course.” Kisin bowed and trotted out. As he left, Makira couldn’t help but take a look at his flanks. Not bad. Nothing compared to her own kind, of course, but not bad. Maybe she could have...other uses for this creature.
First, the riddle.
Makira curled up on her pile of fabric. She rubbed her chin with a paw.
Now, what could it mean?
-
WHAT COULD IT MEAN?!!!
That night found Makira ramming her head against a wall. Dust and bits of masonry drifted down from the ceiling.
Think. Think. Think! The sphinx told herself, brushing dust from her mane. “Near a river by a tree.” Was he talking about a physical location? If so, that could be virtually anywhere on Equis. Was it a metaphor; something strong and ancient being undermined. And what about that “old mare of iron?” Was she a literal mare made of iron- some kind of magically-animated golem? Or was the “iron” part a metaphor for a mare of inflexible, unyielding will?
Makira snarled, pulling tufts of her mane which instantly grew back. Her tail thrashed like it was trying to rip itself from her rear. She racked her brain, rummaging through volumes of accumulated knowledge passed down from her ancestors. There had to be some kind of clue in there!
Nothing. For the first time in her absurdly long life, she was completely stumped.When morning finally, mercifully came, Makira’s eyes burned with exhaustion. Her eyelids felt heavier than lead. The world swam around her.
Defeated. Again.
There was the clip clop clip clop of Kisin’s hoofsteps. Quickly, Makira used her magic to touch herself up a little. Tangled fur instantly smoothed itself. The dark circles under her eyes faded away.
“I have returned, great one.” Said Kisin with a bow. “ I eagerly await your response.”
Say it
No! Makira shook her head and gritted her teeth. Her claws unsheathed. Not to him. Not to a mortal!
Say it
No!
SAY IT!
NO!
SAY. IT!
FINE!
“I yield.” she hissed, her claws cutting furrows in the stone tiles.
“Come again?”
“ I. YIELD!” Makira roared, shaking the temple to its foundations. “I… cannot solve... your final riddle.” She growled.
“I see…” Kisin gave a grin that said “I knew I’d win”. “And so…?”
“And so as I promised,” she hissed through clenched teeth, “I will join you in defending your village
“And…?”
“FINE!” With a groan, Makira rolled onto her back, baring her dark-grey belly to the ceiling. Before Kisin could take another step, she held a paw in front of him.
“First, tell me, the answer. Who is the old mare of iron. What is the tree? What is the river? What does it mean! In the name of all that is beautiful, you must tell me!”
Kisin put a hoof over his mouth, laughing through his nose.
“What? What do you find so amusing, mortal?”
“I’m sorry,” he said, chuckling. “But I can’t do that.”
“WHAT?!” Makira roared again. Bits of plaster rained down from the ceiling.
“I can’t give you an answer where none exists.”
“EXPLAIN, MORTAL!”
“You see, that ‘riddle’ I told you wasn’t actually a riddle. It was pure nonsense; there was no meaning behind it whatsoever.”
“WHAT?!” Makira hissed and rolled herself over, claws drawn and teeth bared. “The deal is off!”
“But you already gave your word. It doesn’t matter whether it was an actual riddle or not. You have to join me.”
Makira raised her paw, then stopped. For the first time in her stupidly long life, she’d actually been outwitted. Not beaten in a test of riddles, but actually outwitted, and by a mortal
She wanted to be mad. On one paw, she’d been duped by a mortal-- one didn’t just trick a goddess like herself and get away with it--but on the other paw, it was something different. Most mortals didn’t realize how boring immortality could be, doing the same thing over and over again. To finally experience something new, even if it meant being humiliated, was almost refreshing.
Not that she’d admit it, of course.
“Now, if you don’t mind…?”
“Fine…” Makira rolled over again. “Just...do it already.”
Staring at the roof of her lair, wishing that the universe would strike her dead as Kisin clambered up onto her belly and started rubbing. A sphinx, one of the greatest creatures to ever walk Equis, being treated as a common housecat.
She soon forgot all of that. As soon as Kisin started kneading her soft belly fur, her humiliation, and the rest of the world dissolved. Makira melted into a puddle of bliss. Her tongue lolled out of her mouth. Her eyes rolled up into her skull. Each rub from the wonderful, delicate hooves of his sent a ripple of pleasure through her body. Against her will, she let out a purr that seemed to shake the entire universe.
“You like that, don’t you?” Said Kisin
“Shut up and rub, mortal.”
“As you wish” This time, he lay on his belly, using her stomach as a mattress as his entire body become one giant hoof, waving his limbs around, making the shape of an angel in her fur
Oh, how she wished she had won their little contest! In her mind, she could see this impudent, yet surprisingly handsome, mortal wearing a collar. She could see him feeding her from a pile of crops, rubbing her belly, scratching behind her ears whenever she wanted. Those wonderful hooves of his would have been hers and hers alone.
Something lit up in Makira’s head. She gave a sly grin. Maybe they still could…
-
I have to defend this?
Makira touched down in the village square, her wings kicking up a thick cloud of dust.
The place was hardly worthy of her protection. Aside from a carved stone altar at its center, it had little to recommend it; just a smattering of huts surrounded by a barrier that wouldn’t stop an angry kitten. Why couldn’t it have been some grand city, something with actual buildings, decent fortifications, and actual streets?!
Still, a deal was a deal. And who knew? Maybe, with her great wisdom and some guidance, this embarrassment of a village could be turned into something worth defending.
“Mortals, lend me your ears!”
Slowly, the villagers approached the square, their legs wobbling like jelly. A bearded stallion wearing an elaborate headdress stepped forward.
Kisan slid off of her back and ran towards the stallion in the headdress. “Father!”
“Kisin!” The stallion embraced his son. “I feared the worst. What happened?”
“You’ll see.” He said, turning towards Makira. She could see the smug grin on his face.
Keep smiling, mortal.
“Mortals! After a long and arduous game of wits, your representative and I have reached an agreement. In return for a modest share of your harvest, we shall defend your village together...as husband and wife!”
The crowd’s mood changed instantly. As one, the villagers cheered, rearing up on their forelegs and whinnying. Kisin however, turned white as milk. Before he could react, Makira used a bit of her sphinx magic to seal his mouth shut. Not permanently, of course. After all, he’d still need to say their vows.
“Mmmph-mmmm-mmmph!” Kisin gestured at Makira. She took it to mean “This wasn’t part of our deal!”
She gave a sly grin. “You never said I couldn’t make a few...amendments.
The chief trotted up to Kisin, wrapping him in a painful-looking hug “My little colt, agreeing to marry a goddess for the sake of our village. I couldn’t be more proud!” He sniffed, wiping tears from his eye. “These aren’t tears, I swear.”
Kisin shook his head frantically. Nothing.
Tetepon released his son and turned towards the cheering crowd. “Well what are we all just standing around for? We have a wedding to plan!” He pointed to a pony. “You, fetch my ceremonial robes. You…” He pointed to another pony. “Break out the wine stores. What is a wedding without wine?” He pointed to yet another pony. “You there, slaughter the fattened calf!”
Everypony froze. They turned towards Tetepon, a blank stare painted on their faces.
“Just kidding!” the chief shouted.
The crowd returned to their previously scheduled jubilation, galloping towards Kisin and hoisting the struggling stallion onto their backs. As her husband-to floated around the village, an unwilling raft bobbing on a sea of ponies, Makira lay on her belly, soaking in warm sunshine. She closed her eyes and purred.
She so loved loopholes.
Author's Note
Special thanks to Georg for proofreading and editing
