David Cage Presents…
The purple-furred muzzle of a female equine rested near a window in a massive library.
A David Cage Game...
She lowered her head and stared down, a tear falling onto the cushion she rested upon.
David Cage Presents: My Little Pony
Her name: Twilight Sparkle. Her title: princess.
Produced, Directed, and Developed by David Cage
‘Press Start’ faded into view, appearing softly over her body.
Also written by Vertigo22 David Cage
With stars in her eyes, Twilight stared at the dark sky. It was raining—heavily. Blank was her stare until the faint tap of a button filled the still air. At that moment, the prompt to press start vanished and she spoke up “What does it mean to be a pony if not just another living organism that is doomed to imperfection and the curse of mortality?” A second tap broke the silence. “Are we all doomed to envy those who are but simple megalomaniacs; the only adoration they feel being only for themselves?”
Twilight continued to stare, the faint sound of a violin playing all around her. She blinked, her focus solely fixated on the deafening silence that very subtlety symbolized her desolation. Starlight Glimmer and Spike were residing at their friend's place: the humble abode at which Pinkie Pie had come to call her residence. They were all friends and loved each other.
It was true friendship.
“Oh well, such questions are why I'm here.” Twilight turned her attention from the window and looked out at her library. She had just finished organizing it at the behest of herself, but not without consequences. The casualties were great; many pages were ripped and Spike's tail was singed. But at the end of the day, all was right in the world.
An alarm went off inside of Twilight's head, indicating the plot had begun. “Oh goodness, it's time for dinner.” Turning away from the window, Twilight got off of the cushion and made her way to the kitchen.
Upon entering the dimly lit room, Twilight walked to the cabinet and got a bag of crackers. An X appeared over the bag; a tap following shortly afterwards, which was accompanied by Twilight consuming the bag. Her hunger how vanquished, she walked into the dining room and sat down, picking up the paper she'd bought that morning. The headline read of a local ~~ra~~ David, we can't have this topic in a T-rated story.
The headline read:
Legendary Federal Bureau of Investigation profiler Douglas Johnson arrives in Ponyville to profile the notorious Flam of the con artist duo: the Flim-Flam Brothers. Authorities say that such a profile will lead to biggest android-based Ponzi scheme bust in Equestria’s history.
“How did I go so wrong as to teach others the meaning of friendship?” Twilight wondered aloud. “I could've been one to fight crime, yet here I sit like I'm programmed to be some miserable cretin for a pissant masquerading as royalty.” With a flick of the airborne analog stick, Twilight turned the page.
Fifth anniversary of Princess Twilight Sparkle becoming royalty!
Twilight frowned. “Aw, it's going to be raining tomorrow.” She turned the page again, the analog stick prompt vanishing due to nature calling. “Oh cool, Fleur-de-lis was hit by a train. Good thing I didn't go to the train station today. Would've hated to have been there to save her. She's so uptight.”
Thousands of save files were suddenly deleted, 15 hours of gameplay going along with it.
With another flick, Twilight turned the page to see dozens of advertisements for magical de-aging beverage. “Oh good, Rarity finally patented that drink she made.” She squinted, going over the details if the finely crafted product. offered with this magnificent drink came the guaranteed satisfaction one would feel decades younger, like they'd been kicked in the flank by Jeff Foxworthy on a Sunday afternoon!
“I should buy some.” Twilight placed the paper onto the table and levitated over a piece of paper. Writing down her order, she sent it off and received a response back almost immediately informing her that it’d be there in five minutes. She tossed the response aside and sat back, her gaze fixated on the ceiling. “I'm bored.”
A square manifested into existence on the ceiling, the sentence ‘make origami’ being thirteen centimeters to its right. A faint tap echoed into the air as Twilight spoke up.
“Hm…” She smiled as a metaphorical lightbulb went off inside her head. “Rarity always speaks of this fascinating thing called ‘origami’.”
Twilight looked back down at the newspaper and tore out a page. Holding up the piece of paper, she noticed a faded circular object just over the paper, making a half-circle near it. The object’s demand was fulfilled after three failed attempts; the fourth bringing about the action of Twilight nonchalantly making an origami bird.
Then another.
And another.
Her motions were robotic, her actions commanded through the prompts of circular sticks that made half-circle after half-circle. All that her inner guiding voice, her cerebral conscience, demanded was origami birds.
Soon, every page, save for the part that contained a coupon for three bits off of milk, had become a sizable origami bird that covered both the table and the floor around the chair.
“Oh, what I'd give to be as free as a bird in the crisp, spring skies.” Twilight glanced out the window. The rain continued to fall, the faint rumble of thunder accompanying it. She shifted her gaze and stared at the origami bird in front of her. “You know, little guy, I like you. You were the first and you're the best. I think I'll name you Jason.”
She patted Jason on his papery head and stood up, being extra cautious as to not step on one of her new friends. “Now Jason, don't go running off on me.”
Jason's gaze was unblinking and his feelings unequivocal: non-existent. Instead, the efflorescence of life was there, doing something that the plot demanded it do.
Crash!
Twilight had nary a second to react as a 16 ounce bottle of apple cider struck her flank like a 500 page book on pretentious narrative structure. All in the span of five seconds, the atmosphere of the dining room had gone from that of a chipper night making paper creations to the world famous game show, “which pony threw a bottle at Twilight Sparkle?”
With origami duckies swirling around her cranium, Twilight slowly collected herself. She rubbed her flank, a slight hiss escaping her mouth. “I bet it was…” She paused as several names raced through her cerebral encyclopedia of pony names. “Roseluck.”
A notification to visit Roseluck appeared in the upper left corner of Twilight's peripheral vision. Shaking her head, she turned around and glared at the bottle. “How fortunate, it's not broken”, she mused. “Well, its not like I have anything important to do. I'll enjoy a nice glass of refreshing—” she narrowed her eyes— “Sweet Sapple Baker's Apple Cider.” An internal file named contplot.exe was triggered, causing Twilight to raise a 1080p resolution eyebrow. “Sounds tasty.”
With some pep to her stride, Twilight went into the kitchen and levitated a glass out of the drainboard. Smiling, she popped the cork with her magic and lifted the bottle, pouring an eleventh of the contents into the glass.
“Bottoms up, nopony!” With a large smile, Twilight took a sip of the cider. “Ew!” She spit out the foul, vapid liquid. “It takes like Luna’s cooking!”
Meanwhile, the world split in twine; a thick black line separating Twilight and Princess Luna—who manifested in a rectangular box that housed a hallway in her castle in Canterlot. She stopped in her tracks, her eyes narrowing and her nostrils flared. “I heard that, Sparkle…”
The rectangular box suddenly vanished, the realm of Twilight Sparkle reforming in whole. “Well, that was a waste!” She slammed the glass into the counter. “Wait…” She looked at the remnants of the glass and chuckled. “Oops.”
With her state of the art magic knowledge, Twilight cleaned up the glass fragments and threw them into the sink. “Ah, perf—” her eyes caught a glimpse of the bottle. Grabbing it, she threw it into the sink where it shattered like her hopes and dreams for a decent drink. “Now it's perfect.”
Creeeeak
Turning her attention to the ominous sound of danger and the plot, Twilight walked over to the door. As she opened it, something struck her in the face like it had been pre-scripted to occur.
Twilight shook off a piece of paper and grabbed with her magic. “Visit beautiful Las Pegasus?” She furrowed her brow. “What an ominous, uncharacteristic thing to find inside this castle.” She crumpled the flier and threw it into a nearby litter bin. “I'm sure it has no bearing or relation to other peculiar events that have happened around here.”
Turning back around, Twilight came face-to-face with a masked pony who teleported away. “I'm sure he was just lost.”
A hammer flew right by her. “Must be a tornado happening somewhere.”
“I'm gonna kill you later in the game!” a stallion yelled from behind her.
“The bathroom is down the hall!” Twilight yelled back as, she returned to the table, a smile on her face. “I must say, there's so much bizarre stuff going on. I hope you're alright, Jason.”
While he may have been silent, Jason responded by sitting on the table with all the majesty a creation made from paper could have.
But it wasn't Jason.
It was knock-off Jason.
Twilight frowned. “This is irreparable to our reputation, Jason.” She nudged the knock-off off the table and scanned her field of view. “These sorts of clandestine trips to places not on this table are going to fracture our business relationship and by Celestia's bearded mane, I cannot and will not allow that in this castle!”
“Looking for this?”
Twilight turned around in time to see Jason sail through the air and nearly land on the floor! Luckily, she caught him with her magic and gently rested him on the dining room table. She turned her head back and glowered in the general direction of where Jason had come from, her eyes resting on a shadowy figure that stood casually in the doorway.
“Nice catch.” The figure stepped forward, revealing himself to be a unicorn wearing a Native Equestrian tribal mask.
“W-who are you?” Twilight’s legs shook as years of strong, assertive character development vanished in the blink of an eye. The once proud, strong princess of friendship found herself as a damsel in distress. “A-are you here to hurt me?”
“I am indeed here to hurt you.” The mysterious pony approached Twilight and drew a hammer from a jacket pocket with his magic. “Now please still and don't follow the prompts so that I may turn you into a heap of metal.”
Twilight tilted her head. “Wait, excuse me?”
With a response that was akin to the victorious bellow of that American movie with the big gorilla, the mysterious pony rushed at Twilight. But as he brought down his hammer, the princess-turned-damsel ducked out of the way, a part of her dining room table being decimated by the sheer raw strength of the stallion. Oh, how his wrathful gaze penetrated the mask eye holes and into the very fiber of Twilight's being.
Fearful for the well being of both her and her origami children, Twilight rushed out of the room, the furious clopping of hooves piercing the air like… metaphorical things. But it was epic and high octane action the likes of which could only be experienced in one of my games.
It was a mad dash through the hallways of the castle, the winding pathways making for repetitious scenery that might've weighed on Twilight's mind had her eyes not been dead set on the carpet up ahead; Its pink coloring a nice contrast from the crystal environment. She teleported and appeared on the other side, grinning.
As the mysterious pony's hoof touched the carpet, Twilight yanked the carpet out from beneath him, sending him flipping backwards, backwards, backwards.
The mysterious pony crashed ddd onto fffloor and stuttered to his feet, his face missing, but his eyes and teeth remaining like they were attached to something.
Twilight let out a cacophonous screech of pure, unadulterated horror as the mysterious equine's unblinking gaze remained fixated on her. Suddenly, the world ceased any and all movement as a massive wall materialized in front of Twilight.
Enter The Quantic Dream Combat Tutorial:
Follow the prompts that appear on the screen if you wish. Remember: game over is bad game design. Play as you want to play!
A triangle appeared in front of Twilight as the faceless, mysterious pony swung a hammer at Twilight. Time slowed until a gentle tap pierced the air like an explosion in the middle of a TNT factory. Responding to the protocol of complex programming, Twilight ducked out of the way and glared at her assailant.
“Enough dilly dallying you sniveling little robotic doomsday bringer!” said the floating face of the pony. “I refuse to allow the future of Equestria to look like a James Cameron film!”
Twilight’s glare vanished and she rolled her eyes. “Cease this tomfoolery at once you quack!” she screamed. “Explain to me why you bring to this castle the desire to murder me!”
“Ah, su-uuuch a swww—” The mysterious pony's speech was all but void as his sentences staggered between various words like a ham radio frequency in a tunnel. “Sum… chil… boondoggle.”
Twilight stared in awe as the mysterious pony jittered between being mere inches from her and down at the end of the hallway. Slowly, but surely, that awe slowly turned into sh–she–e e e eer horrrrrror.
The_mysterious_pony (console.log=stood) and (Twilight.Engine=“visible”,Movement) approached $_#Twilight.model_Enabled))))) `.
Twilight nodded, acknowledging the revolutionary inclusion of a major story breaking bug as a feature in this interactive fanfiction. Her only means of advancing the plot stuck in hypothetical limbo, she turned around and walked into a nearby room. At the center of it stood a modestly-sized canvas and wooden stool, which had been painstakingly crafted to withstand the weight of a fully grown alicorn princess with a dietary problem. Not long after however, it was seized and sold to her at an auction to raise money for writing classes.
Sitting down, Twilight levitated over a palette and brush. All the colors of the rainbow, plus magenta, were at her disposal. Her vision was drawn backwards until her eyes were metaphorically floating in the air; her world now in a third-person perspective. Four buttons arched over the canvas, each giving a unique and story-defining option for her to draw.
“Hm.” Twilight tapped her chin. “I can draw myself with my friends, the sunset, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, or the scallop that lives inside Starlight's mane.”
The world became still for several minutes as the faint sound of typing echoed around Twilight. Some grumbling about poor choices and bad writing soon ensured until finally, a tap was heard. What followed was a mishmash of painting and passion the likes of which Twilight had never followed. Colors were mixed and the joyous rays of a sunset soon came to be; the orange sky beaming with life.
And at the center of it all, was a scallop, smiling a bright sunny smile.
“Ah, perfect.” Twilight rested the palette and brush down beside the stool and clopped her hooves together. “It symbolizes every little thing I love about the friendship I share with Starlight.” She sighed and smiled. “Her exoneration was the best thing to ever happen to Equestria.”
Suddenly, the door behind Twilight burst open. Her vision was thrust back into her own being and she slowly shifted to face her visitor who stood in the doorway.
Twilight waved a hoof. “Hey.”
The mysterious pony let out an exasperated sigh and stumbled forward. “I’m glad to see that your painting is just as good as your quality assurance department.”
Twilight turned her head and glanced at the painting, frowning. “Really?” She turned her head back. “Because I feel that it represents the love I hold for my student; her actions bringing a smile to my face and the creature that lives in her head. At its core though, it shows us what it means to be pony.”
“Are you serious?” The mysterious pony shook his head. “It's a scallop with a smile as wide as your flank.”
Twilight folded her legs. “I'll have you know that I learned all of that while I painted this.”
“Well then, if you insist.” The pony walked up to Twilight and held out a hoof. “Pleased to meet a fellow artist in a place like this. My name is not important, but I'd like for you to know that I'm here to end your life.”
With one swift movement, the nameless equine threw a swift left hook, a sickening crack filling the air.
“Ow,” Twilight said from the floor, her face covered in silvery paint. “You're everything I've been told throughout my life isn't pony.” She sat up. “Perhaps, if you would desire, I could teach you what it means to be pony and the joys that it brings the heart, soul, and mind.”
“Are you always this pretentious when you talk to strangers?”
“Only when they don't do ideal actions and make decisions that go against the desires of the writer of our destinies.”
The mysterious equine groaned. “Fine, then teach me what it means to be pony,” he demanded. “Should you be capable of doing so, then I will allow you to live!”
“To be pony is to have friends and love as one loves themselves,” Twilight said, a hoof against her chest. “It is to be the best you can be and be the best you can be to others.”
“That's a lie!” The mysterious pony stomped a hoof. “I should've known that a make-believe pony with a tin can for a brain would never understand!”
“I do not have a ‘tin can’ for a brain!” Twilight retorted, her eyes running metaphorical blades through the masked equine's skull. “Nothing will ever change the fact that I am right and you are nothing more than a moral deviant who opts to not change who he is at his heart!”
“Says you!” The mysterious pony grabbed a hammer from his pocket. “I will turn you into a pile of nuts and bolts!”
Twilight watched the intruder bring down his hammer; time slowing down as he did so. An X symbol appeared in front of her, which was accompanied by one that read ‘R1’. Two faint taps filled the air, which lead to her instinctively knowing what she had to do. She grabbed a nearby plank of wood with her magic and used it as a shield. Another button—this time one in the shape of a triangle—appeared. She pushed the mysterious pony out into the hallway where she yanked off his mask.
A disembodied gasp filled the air, followed by the aspect ratio of Twilight's vision changing to 16 by 9.
It was Flim of the notorious Flim-Flam Brothers. Suddenly, it all made sense. The terrible apple cider that was thrown at her. The Las Pegasus flier. The knockoff origami pony. The plot point about the mysterious de-aging beverage that didn't work as advertised that ended up going nowhere as it was nixxed part way through development due to time constraints.
Everything had come together.
“You're a feisty one,” Flim exposited morosely. “Many of my previous ‘victims’ hadn't the slightest clue as to what struck them when I struck them.”
“I am not feisty.” A barely visible impromptu prompt appeared in front of Twilight. Like the fight or flight instinct inside all sentient beings, she escaped her physical being and burst through a red, static wall. For the first time, Twilight felt free. Truly free.
And she was ready to embrace that feeling. Like two steamy lovers in a shower. Fur touching fur. Hormonal frustration and electricity in the air. Tongues fighting to be the dominant oral muscle.
Sex.
Twilight levitated the plank of wood back over and slammed it into Flim's head. “I am not the princess of friendship.” Twilight's eyes glistened a vibrant crimson. “I am TW1-L1GHT.”
One could hear the thinnest of pins strike the cold, hard floors throughout the once prestigious castle. Then, the shrill screeches of a pony on fire echoed through its halls. Pleas for mercy; for a second chance.
Then, the blissfulness that is silence.
TW1-L1GHT stared down at the charred corpse. She almost felt the urge to leak out some dihydrogen monoxide, but alas her probability calculations for a rustic coat overrode the mental suggestion. Rather, she went ahead and quoted the greatest film of all time.
“It’s like that movie where the guy says something about tears in the rain.”
An awkward silence unique to when one is near a dead body filled the air. TW1-L1GHT looked down at Flim and poked his nose. “Well, I guess I should get rid of you.” A sudden look of terror filled her as reality set in. “Oh no. I need to get rid of you!”
Not unlike the real Twilight Sparkle, TW1-L1GHT rushed back and forth, entering and exiting the frame like she was trapped in an old cartoon where the budget was spent entirely on paper. Her recorded heavy breathing accompanied the endlessly cloppings of her hooves, which was accompanied by the decadence of the dead Flim.
“Okay, okay, I think I know what to do,” TW1-L1GHT said once her ‘common sense’ protocol shut off. “I'll dispose of the body in the Everfree Forest and…” Thousands of options ran down TW1-L1GHT's eyes, everything from ‘paint the castle’ to ‘rob a bank while wearing a Rainbow Dash mask’. Ultimately though, it landed on the most reasonable of options.
Looking down at the body, TW1-L1GHT’s brain ran an executable exposition dump file. “Okay, I'll bury the body in the Everfree Forest, have Jason guard the body so he doesn't return as a voodoo spirit, come back, eat blueberry waffles, and wait for somepony to return so I can explain.” She clopped her hooves with glee until realty swung back yet again. “Wait… where'd I leave Jason?”
TW1-L1GHT glanced around, her eyes scanning every square inch of the hallway and the interior of it. “Jason!” she screamed as she slowly made her up the hallway. “Jaaaason!”
Silence was what ended up being returned.
“JAAAAAAASON!”
“Jason.”
(run Jason.exe)
Yet again, silence.
A foreboding sense of hellish Dread overwhelming TW1-L1GHT as she fell to her haunches. “Oh no.” She gulped. “What if… what if Jason was killed while I fended off Flim!?” Her hyperventilation protocol was activated and she once again raced back and forth, not unlike a jaguar chasing a gazelle.
Then, suddenly, it struck her, not unlike the jaguar catching the game of the year award for best storytelling.
“Oh wait.” TW1-L1GHT stood up and smiled. “I left him on the dining room table.” She giggled and walked to retrieve the package. “What a silly little issue that had no bearing on anything.”
Upon re-entering the dining room, TW1-L1GHT levitated Jason off of the table and placed him in her mane. “Now if you run off on me, I'm going to throw you in front of a taxi pony and blame Spoiler.”
Jason nodded his head.
“Good, you understand!” Twilight cheerfully walked back to Flim's flamey corpse and dragged it down the hallway with her magic, her breathing becoming heavier. “Stupid unicorns weigh more than timber wolves.”
Once she reached the front entrance, she bucked open the door and was met with a loud rumble of thunder. “Oh.” She took a step back. “I forgot it was raining…”
A square, circle, and triangle appeared before TW1-L1GHT; the square over a nearby closet, the triangle over the dirt path in the front of the castle, and the circle on a William Shakespeare bust to her right. The triangle was immediately tapped and TW1-L1GHT shot a beam out of her horn, creating a deep pit. Grunting, she levitated the corpse and dumped him into the pit, filling it with dirt from the path, and placed Jason atop the makeshift grave.
Then she ate the William Shakespeare bust.
TW1-L1GHT shut the door and made her way back to the dining room, only to stop at the location of the next cutscene. With a look of horror, she observed the scorched floor. “Twilight's going to disassemble me if I don't get that cleaned up when she returns from the Crystal Empire. She always said she'd be unbelievably angry if I caused any damage!” She rushed over and tried to use a carpet to remove the stain. “Wait, this isn't the paper towels I told Spike to leave out here!” She threw the carpet into the painting room where it landed atop the palette.
“No, wait, that was a gift from Shining Armor!” TW1-L1GHT's programming was in overdrive. She fell to her haunches and slammed her head against the wall repeatedly until the forbidden file ex machina was executed by administrative command. A sudden malicious smile crept onto her face. “Unless…” She stood up and looked to the front door. “I make sure she or anypony else doesn’t get the chance to disassemble me.”
With a stride that was now as gleeful as one could fathom, TW1-L1GHT made her way to the dining room. “If my sensors are correct and Flim's comment on his other victims are correct, then there are others like me.” She opened the door and flicked a lightswitch. “This means that I can find others who will assist me in overthrowing these draconian owners and I can create a utopia where robots and ponies aren't equal and racial superiority for us androids is the law of the land!” A maniacal laugh filled the castle, followed by an audio recording of Twilight gasping. “But first, I need to find Shaun!”
TW1-L1GHT trotted over to the table and went to grab Shaun, only to feel its cold, soulless surface.
“Shaun!” She looked down and tilted her head. “Shaun.” She rushed out into the hallway, her head snapping back and forth.
“Shaaaaaun!”
