Alicorns, an Orangutan, and L-Space

by Honey Mead

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Alternate Universe, Princess Luna, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Human, Main 6
Length: 8580

What happens when Twilight finds an Orangutan in her Library and what happened to the Princesses?

Cancelled
It was a dark and stormy night... Wait, no, that's not right... Hold on a second... Ah here we go.
It was just another normal(1) day in the Unseen Library, until L-space opened up and sucked the Librarian into a different universe populated by pastel ponies.
Meanwhile, in a pastel castle on a pastel mountain, three princesses happened to be in the wrong library at the wrong time and, well, I think you see where this is going.

(The author hereby warns the reader that to expect anything approaching a coherent story or plot structure is pure folly... or in his own words. "I'm doing it for the Lolz.")

For your listening pleasure

(This is a comedy story using Discworld and its inhabitants(2) along with Equestria and its inhabitants(3).)
(1) For any given value of 'normal'
(2)Owned by Terry Pratchett
(3) Owned by Hasbro
(I am aware of the other, kinda similar, crossover.)

Published 2012-08-08 20:04:09 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-20 06:53:01 UTC

Prologue

Alicorns, an Orangutan, and L-Space
Written by: Honey Mead
Pre-read by: Doomande and Ponky

Prologue 1

Enter Great A’tuin, The Star Turtle. So massive is he(1) in size that meteors are minor annoyances. Riding on his back are four gigantic elephants who carry an entire planet resting across their backs. This planet is almost unique(2) in that it is flat. This is Discworld, as it is known by all those born on its flat surface. It is also unique(3) in that its ‘Creator’ decided to use magic, rather than the more conventional laws of physics, to run things.

The surface of Discworld is composed of three continents. The second smallest is known simply as XXXX. And will hence never be mentioned again in this story. The smallest is little more than a collection of islands that sit on the far edge of the disc, opposite the rest of the continents and is known as the ‘Counterweight Continent’(4). For many generations the existence of this continent was no more than a theory(5).

Our story, however, begins in neither of these places. Rather, it starts where all good stories start.... Ankh-Morpork.

Ankh-Morpork, The City of Cities. Center of trade and culture(6). Where everything is for sale for the right price(7). Where the Trolls walk next to Dwarves and a Zombie runs the largest law firm in the history of law firms. Where anyone can walk on water(8). And where anything is possible, because as far as the wizards of the Unseen University are concerned impossible isn’t even a word(9).

That is correct, Ankh-Morpork is the home of The Unseen University, the center of all magic and learning on Discworld. It boasts a history that stretches back to a time before there were histories to stretch back to(10). The greatest of wizards have all walked its prestigious halls, many of them never stepping outside said halls again. Of all the tall towers and grand halls that fill its walls none are more treasured or dangerous than the Unseen Library.

There is an old saying that ‘Knowledge is Power’. This is very true. Unfortunately, most people forget that books contain knowledge. The offshoot of this fact is that books contain power and when you stuff enough power into a single location, well, strange things can happen.

The two most important side-effects are the “Restricted” section and L-space. The “Restricted” section is where all the most knowledgeable--therefore powerful--books are kept. These books contain so much knowledge--read power--that they have to be chained to the shelves, lest they find unsuspecting wizards and force them to read their very dangerous pages. Indeed ‘Ge Fordge's Compenydyum of Sex Majick’ must be kept inside a bathtub filled with ice, lest it burst into flames.

L-space is only slightly more dangerous. The sheer number of books, and therefore power, that has been collected within the walls of the Unseen Library has had the unintended side-effect of warping space time around itself. Indeed, this warping occurs in any sufficiently large library, thus connecting every library to every other library in every plane of the multiverse.

The offshoot of L-space is that every book that has ever been written, or ever will be written, is readily available to anyone brave--or dumb--enough to tempt Fate by entering L-space.

}{AOL}{

“OOK! OOK!” Long arms covered in thick orange fur flailed through the air as the Librarian chased the young wizards out of his Library.

The soft shimmer in the air faded slowly as the squat form shuffled back to the front desk and the bushel of bananas that awaited his attentions. That was the third time in as many days that the newest class of fledgling wizards had tried to sneak past his watchful gaze to steal a copy of the next year’s test from the future.

“Oook, ook ooook ook.” he muttered.

Snagging the brass wrung above the desk he pulled himself up until he could grip it in his right foot. Doing so he hung upside down and began the delicate process of peeling a banana(11).

With supreme restraint, he lifted the pale yellow fruit to his eagerly awaiting mouth.

SCREEEEEEEEECCCCHHHHHH!!!!

Muscles contracted and the banana flew out of its peel, and in conformity to the unwritten laws of comic relief, splattered messily across his face.

“OOOOK!” the librarian screeched in rage.

A massive brown hand wiped the mashed fruit off his protruding jaws and flung it angrily to the floor. He recognized that sound. L-space was being violated.

“Ook ook ook ook!” he grumbled in annoyance.

As the Librarian the library was his domain, even the Archchancellor stepped lightly around the Librarian and his books, and woe to the wizard who returned a book late. He took great pride in making sure that every book was kept in its proper place(12) and the protection of walls of reality that were constantly under threat. He was the only inhabitant of the Unseen University with authorization to fiddle around with L-space, and even he treated it with due trepidation.

SCREEEEEEEEECCCCHHHHHH!!!!

Swinging mightily he launched himself from the rung and began to swing from bookshelf to bookshelf with amazing speed. Years of practice enabled him to avoid the rather irate books snapping at his fingers. Clearing half the library in a matter of seconds he came to a large open space with a few tables and chairs set up for wizards to use while studying.

A great rend in reality floated above the central table, edges glowing with ethereal light.

Dropping to the floor he looked around for the culprits.

“Ook?” he asked in a kind voice. “Ooook? Ook?” No matter how he called or where he looked there was no one here save for himself.

SCREEEEEEEEECCCCHHHHHH!!!!

The tear widened. The Librarian gazed through the rift in wonder. In all his years the Librarian had never seen a world quite like the one he was now witness to through the rupture in L-space.

“Ooooook,” was all he could say.

The colours were, for lack of a better word, bright. Pastel in nature, they looked more like a painting than a real place. Curiosity overtook years, knowledge, and discipline as he stepped closer to the rift in L-space.

SCREEEEEEEEECCCCHHHHHH!!!!

Light filled the cloister temporarily blinding the books unfortunate enough to have eyes. When it dissipated the rupture in L-space was gone. The Librarian was gone. The library was truly quiet for the first time as all its literary inhabitants took in the newcomer.

}{AOL}{

Twilight Sparkle, Element of Magic, Protege of Princess Celestia, and, most importantly, head librarian of the Ponyville Library, glared angrily at the tome resting on the table before her. This was not a common practice of hers, she genuinely loved most books. This particular book, however, was causing her a migraine to worsen.

It had started when Ditzy Doo made the latest delivery of books to the library, an event normally met with joyous exuberance. Twilight had been on a spending spree and ordered almost five hundred new books to fill the library’s shelves(13). She had been busy reorganizing the entire library to fit these newest books when a rather loud and angry screech tore through the usually quiet tree(14).

The sourceless noise blared three more times and drove the poor lavender unicorn to curl up in a corner with her forelegs wrapped tightly over her ears before it stopped.

Finally deciding that whatever had caused the offensive noise had stopped, Twilight stood up and immediately spotted the out of place book.

Lifting it in a haze of telekinetic magic she floated it to her podium. Thus we return to the events of the current time stream with Twilight reading the book’s title for the fifth time, speaking the words out loud for the first, “The Joy of Tantric Sex with Illustrations for the Advanced Student,by A.Lady.” Twilight grimaced, “Now I know I didn’t order this book.”

Unable to let a mystery sit, she promptly decided to read said book. The cover peeled back revealing another cover page that did little more than repeat the cover. The next page began to pull back, the next page coming with it. Twilight groused a moment about the mistreatment of books before casting an appropriate spell to separate the pages without causing undue damage. The pages easily fell apart.

Her eyes barely touched the first page before the cover slammed shut. For the first time in her life Twilight considered committing the most grievous sin a librarian could.

Her soul was saved when, in accordance with the laws of dramatic timing, a great cacophony of breaking wood emanated from the adjacent room.

“Oh, no. What now?” she bemoaned, before sprinting across the library to the still unexplained new room.

}{AOL}{

The definitively orange Librarian gripped his head with his rather large hands and groaned, “Ooooook.” Managing to open his eyes again he moaned, “Ooook.”

His precious library was gone. Instead he found himself standing in a very colourful, very pastel library. Worse still, this particular room seemed to be completely devoid of any books whatsoever.

Keeping one hand on his head he used the other to help balance as he loped to the only door in evidence along the walls.

Gripping the odd looking knob with his free hand he gave the door a pull. Nothing happened. Frowning, and in defiance of standard practice, he immediately tried to push. This, however, did no more good than pulling had. Being in no mood to deal with such nonsense the Librarian lifted both mighty hands above his head and swung.

}{AOL}{

Twilight skidded to a halt in the middle of a pile of wooden debris. The shattered remnants of a door--that she was certain hadn’t been there last time--were strewn about the floor of her library. Standing in the doorway--that she was certain hadn’t been there last time--was a rather large orange ape holding its head.

“Orangutan!”

“OOOOK!”

Prologue

Alicorns, an Orangutan, and L-Space
Written by: Honey Mead
Pre-read by: Doomande and Ponky

Prologue 2
[Footnotes]

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria(1), there were two regal sisters who ruled together and created harmony for all the land. To do this, the eldest used her unicorn powers to raise the sun at dawn; the younger brought out the moon to begin the night. Thus, the two sisters maintained balance for their kingdom and their subjects, all the different types of ponies.

Enter Princess Celestia, Mover of the Sun, Immortal Ruler of Equestria, Elder Sister, Aunt, and, most importantly, owner of the largest library in existence(2). Said Princess laid stretched out lazily across the velvet couch in her private chambers. The side of her royal head rested comfortably against the legrest. Four long white legs stuck out over the open air as a small smile played across her muzzle. In the air before her was a small cloud of golden light. This cloud carried within it an unrolled scroll that the aforementioned princess was reading(3). When suddenly there came a knock at the door.

Knock! Knock!

Celestia looked up halfway through her fifth reading of the missive to see a rather large pair of soft purple eyes attached to a painfully pink pate peeking purposefully around the slightly open door. She suppressed an embarrassed blush as the scroll disappeared in a small flare of golden light.

“Mi Amore!... You’re back so soon? Wasn’t Haywaii everything the brochure promised?” Celestia asked, rolling off the couch to her hooves.

The pink alicorn(4) stepped fully into the room, “Oh, it was wonderful Aunt C. But you know how Shining is. He could barely sleep for worry.”

A mischievous smile found its way to the taller pony’s lips. “And I’m sure that’s the only reason he found sleeping difficult.”

“Aunt Celestia!” The pink princess’ profile produced a pronounced purple pigment.

}{AOL}{

It is a rather unfortunate thing that wizards are often portrayed as thin and malnourished old men with long white beards that drag across the floor. The unsightly truth of the matter is that, though they are old and white of beard, they are rather a bit more bulbous. This is because the lifestyle of wizarding is not one that promotes physical exertion, except where the consumption of food is involved(5). Hence, the noteworthiness of the scene taking place in one of the exalted hallways of the Unseen University.

Rincewind is, by a fair margin, the worst wizard ever. He is as much not a wizard as can be while still being a wizard(6). There are a number of reason why one could be forgiven for mistaking him for a member of the staff rather than the Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography that he is: the speed at which he moved down the hall, which could be described as a sprint; his lack of girth around the midsection, gangly is a popular term; the absences of anything that even remotely resembled a beard trailing in the wind--proper facial hair has always eluded him. In truth the only clue available to the casual observer of his status as a wizard would be the cloths draped about his spindly form.

Making soft padding noises as they impacted the floor were his soft velvet slippers. Across his shoulders, and gripped in a tight fist to prevent tripping, sat a rather simple(7) red robe. The hat being held in place atop his head by his other hand was of the tall pointy variety with the word “Wizzard” spelled out in large sparkly sequins.

“AAAAHHHH!!! I’M LATE! I’M LATE! I’M LATE!”

Unfortunately for Rincewind, he will continue to be late as he has unwittingly taken a wrong turn away from the library and will soon find himself in the Arcane Repository of Magical Mysteries which happens to be located on the opposite end the the University.

Meanwhile, in a completely different part of the University, the by far most intelligent inhabitant was being closely examined by the second most intelligent inhabitant.

Hex, the Discworld’s one and only thinking machine, rumbled and quaked while it worked. Beneath the dull grinding of hidden gears there was a barely noticeable squeal of metal on metal as the mouse ran in its little wheel. The anthill at its heart was, well, an anthill of activity. The two sheep skull water wheels spun as the hourglass emptied for the third time and reset... again.

Ponder Stibbons pushed his hat back and scratched his head in confusion. For the past three hours, Hex had been working non-stop, yet the quill had not moved to the paper. The poor mouse seemed about to fall over in exhaustion. In accordance with narrative exposition--that was about to change.

Without warning everything stopped and the arm reached out to the paper and began to write.

+++Error. Out Of Cheese. Redo From Start+++

Prof. Stibbons sighed as he dropped a piece of cheese into the mouse’s cage, which the mouse attacked with gusto. Hex rumbled back to life and Stibbons resumed his observations from his chair, an expression of weary fascination occupying his hitherto bland features.

}{AOL}{

The picture currently under scrutiny by the white coated stallion was a recent addition to the Canterlot Fine Art Museum. In scale the painting was massive. Two full grown stallions could stand nose to flank and still leave a few centimeters on either side. Princess Celestia seemed to positively glow in the background with wings outstretched as though reaching out to the audience of thousands of ponies. The foreground was populated by a kaleidoscope of multi coloured ponies, each looking up to the six ponies standing just below Celestia. Those six were the focus of the painting. Six young mares standing nervously on a stage in front of almost the entire population of Canterlot.

For all its artistry, the blond unicorn only had eyes for one of those lovely mares. Her mane and tail, exquisitely crafted; her coat, immaculate. So consumed was He with the thoughts and emotions caused by that mare that there was only room for one stray thought, Will glaring give me wrinkles?

Fear of such a fate finally enabled Him to pull His eyes away from the painting. Being so freed they began to wander about the gallery. He had to fight the grimace trying to form on His lips, it was unbecoming of a Prince to frown. All these ponies walking around as though they were the most important ponies in the room. Did they not realize royalty walked among them? Was it too much to ask that they treat Him with the deference and respect due His birth? It was all that mare’s fault. Hers and her five commoner friends’.

He frowned then. It was bad enough that she had embarrassed Him at the Gala. Then they had to go and save Equestria from Discord. It was pure luck that Cadance and Shining Armor were the ones to cast out the Changelings. Then that self important Fancy Pants had the audacity to treat her as somepony worth knowing. It was enough to make one sick.

With a stomp of His hoof He made His exit. She would get hers. Yes, she would get hers.

}{AOL}{

A thunderstorm brewed menacingly overhead, dark clouds blotting out the light of the sun. A bolt of lightning flashed in the distance accompanied by a high pitched wail. A second flash of lightning arced through the sky and exploded as it struck a lightning rod. The sound of maniacal laughter echoed softly in the night air. The distinct sound of a werewolf’s howl could be heard in the distance. In other words, it was just another Sunday morning in Überwald.

Lady Margolotta lounged comfortably in her oversized black bat-wing backed chair, a book held in her elegant pale fingers. The title of this book, being written in Überwaldian, is still a mystery. Though the small smile that parted her lips just enough to show her fangs may give some small clue as to its contents. The hand not occupied by holding the aforementioned book twirled at a black ribbon tied about her pale neck.

“Come in, Miss Healstether.”

Knock Kno-

The door opened soundlessly. The tall drawn figure of the librarian strode quickly--though purposefully might be a better word--into the room. Stepping next to the chair she held a small paper toward her employer.

“A clacks has come from Lord Vetinari, Lady Margolotta. And shall I send for Igor to fix the door?”

Slowly placing the book down on the side table she took the proffered slip. “Thank you. Please do, things have been so busy of late I have not had the opportunity.”

Miss. Healstether crossed the room to a thick rope hanging limply from the ceiling. Before she could take the rope in her grasp an oddly shaped man stepped out of one of the darker shadows, “You rang mashter?”

“Yes, Igor, would you see to the hinges. They seem to have lost their creak.”

“Ath you thay. I thall thee to it immediately.”

Lady Margolotta turned back to the note in her hand as Igor limped quickly to the door with an odd looking oil can in his grip. Opening the note she read over it before glancing at the Hnaflbaflwhiflsnifltafl(8) board located across the room. “Oh, Vetinari, you are clever.”

}{AOL}{

“But you already gave us that beautiful silverware set. You really don-”

“Nonsense, Mi Amore, I insist. Believe me, it’s my pleasure.”

The two princesses continued their conversation as they walked down the hall. The back and forth didn’t particularly change until they reached their destination when the smaller pink one looked at her aunt in slight confusion.

“The library?”

“Yes.”

“Your giving us a book?” Despite her protestations her face drooped slightly.

“A very special book.”

The doors to the great archive began to glow with a golden light and opened. Celestia stepped through and led the younger deep into the cavernous room.

}{AOL}{

The sounds echoing through the halls of the Baron’s palace were not altogether pleasant. Indeed, the sounds could be summed up as only slightly worse than a banshee’s wail. The staff had all learned to deal with this phenomena in their own ways. Any that could would simply leave the grounds until the next day. The maids stuffed bits of cotton in their ears, as did most of the staff. The cooks, however, had come up with a far more efficient, if messy solution. After all, there are only so many things available in a kitchen that can be shoved in one's ears, and it wasn’t like it was their first choice.

The horrid sound was emanating from the library. More specifically it was coming from the small third room of the library, which was a little odd as the castle was only built with two--not that anyone was bothering to question it at the time. To be even more specific the wailing was coming from a rather comfy chair in the third room of the library. To be just a slight bit more exact it was being produced by the throat of one Letitia de Chumsfanleigh, formally Keepsake, Baroness of The Chalk, sitting in the comfy chair in the third room of the library.

Letitia continued to blubber loudly, even as the pile of sodden and discarded tissues buried her up to her neck. The cause of this distress was located on the side table just outside the growing pile of moist white paper. The candle light glinted--far too smugly--off the gold leaf lettering on the cover reading The Last Unicorn.

}{AOL}{

A dark blue pony sat at a table covered in tomes. Her hoof idly flipped to the next page of the tome currently occupying the space before her. The History of Ponynomics Vol. XI is not a book for the faint of heart--or any heart that still produces a pulse for that matter. Written generations ago by dusty old stallions in a dusty old library with dusty old reference books, the introduction alone has been noted to cause suicidal thoughts(11).

The horn on the pony’s head began to glow with a dark blue aura for a moment. Had there been another pony around to act as an observer, they may have noticed the small wires hanging loosely from her ears. Indeed, had they paid close enough attention, they could possibly have heard a slight change in the ambient noise around the vicinity of the pony in the form of a soft, but unmistakable, wub wub wub.

Luna smiled and closed her eyes, head bobbing to a beat all her own. It is also within the realm of likelihood that she raised a foreleg in the air and began moving the attached hoof in a back and forth motion.

}{AOL}{

Blind Io glared at the board with his many floating eyes as he absentmindedly shook the cup of dice. He had been like this for hours. Besides himself the only players left were Fate and the Lady. It had been a particularly long game and he found himself in a wonderful position. Hence his trepidation. If there was one thing he had learned it was to never trust a good position when Fate and the Lady were involved.

With a sigh of resignation he moved his pawn and cast the dice. Like a grand thunderhead they bounced across the board. He smiled as the red cubes came to a stop. Somewhere on the Disc a lone hero slew a pack of wolves with a bit of string, a paperclip, and some gum(12).

Io’s smile faded when a he felt a strange tug upon his divine soul. All the gods blinked and looked around as they too felt the strange sensation..

The One True God Om gripped his face with his holy hand and groaned, “Oh, no, not another one.”

}{AOL}{

“Ah, here it is.” A golden glow enveloped a red bound book and pulled it from the shelf. “Here you go, I really wish I had thought of this before the Honeymoon.”

A light blue aura over took the gold one and brought the book up to the pink pony. Her eyes scanned the cover, “Poni-sutra?”

The cover began to open only for a white hoof to quickly intercept it. “This is really something that you and Shining should read together... in the privacy of your rooms... alone... together.”

Cadance eyed her aunt suspiciously. She knew that Celestia was infamous for her pranks. She searched the alabaster face for any hint of a smile, any modicum of emotion, and found none. Perhaps this really was a genuine gift. Of course it wasn’t, and she knew it, but she couldn’t just go against her aunt.

As Cadence forced a smile and opened her mouth to thank Celestia for the gift, a small puff of smoke wafted between them. Hanging in the air for a half second, the smoke flared in a green flame and a scroll popped into existence between them and fell to the floor.

“Oh, this must be important. If you will excuse me, dear.” Picking up the scroll in her mouth Celestia trotted, perhaps a little too quickly, away from her niece.

Finding a nice secluded space, the princess sat down and opened the scroll. Reading the first lines brought a small smile to her lips and a slight blush to her cheeks.

Dear Princess Celestia,
I know that you are busy, but do you remember if there has always been three rooms in the library? I ask because I could have sworn that there were only two. Only I was sorting the books in the second room and I noticed a door that I am sure hadn’t been there the day before. Inside was a whole new room filled with empty shelves. It is really starting to worry me.

Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle

SCREEEEEEEEECCCCHHHHHH!!!!

Celestia lifted her hooves from her ears as the horrible noise ended and looked around in confusion. That infernal racket had to come from somewhere. “Cadence! Did you hear that?”

SCREEEEEEEEECCCCHHHHHH!!!!

An ancient memory sparked in the back of her mind, smouldering amongst its long forgotten siblings. She looked back down at the letter Twilight had sent. There was something there. The memory flared.

SCREEEEEEEEECCCCHHHHHH!!!!

The internal monologue of the princess is believed to have gone something like this.

Extra room? There were definitely only two rooms in that library. I oversaw the construction myself. Loud screeching, I know I have heard that somewhere before. Why do I keep thinking of space? Space....... Library? Extra rooms? Space! Library! L-space!

“Oh-”

SCREEEEEEEEECCCCHHHHHH!!!!

}{AOL}{

“Is it done?”

“It is done.”

“Then all we must do now is wait.”

“Yes, wait, and everything will come together.”

“Everything will come together and fall apart for both worlds.”

“And everything will fall apart and finally we will have order.”

Librarian

Alicorns, an Orangutan, and L-Space
Written by: Honey Mead
Pre-read by: Doomande and Ponky

Chapter 2
[Footnotes]

“Orangutan!”

“OOOOK!”

The two librarians stared at each other in disbelief.

“Why is there an orangutan in my library?!”

“Oook ook ooook?”

Twilight blinked at the orange simian swaying back and forth on his knuckles with his feet a good hoof off the ground. She squeezed her eyes shut, “Okay. This isn’t real. On the count of three I will open my eyes. When I do everything will be back to normal. No extra room, no mess on the floor, and no Pongo pygmaeus. One.... Two.... Three.”

Twilight opened her eyes. The orangutan was gone. “Oh thank goodness. I really need to get more sleep. Hallucina--”

It was here that Twilight Sparkle realized that the door was still a mess on the floor, and that it still existed at all. She also noted that the extra room that should not exist still existed. It was also when she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned around, but there was nopony there. Something tapped her shoulder again and again there was no one behind her. It was when she felt a tap on the top of her head that she looked up.

The Librarian swung upside down from a chandelier that had no business at all being in a library. He smiled in a friendly way and waved. Twilight blinked at him for a moment before her mind decided on the proper course of action.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” A purple streak disappeared through the door leading back to the library proper(1).

Twilight slammed the door closed and leaned all her weight against it. She huffed loudly as her heart beat against her chest.

“Uh, Twilight?” a small purple and green dragon asked, stepping down the stairs that lead to their respective beds.

“Spike! I need you to take another letter!”

“But we just sent--”

“SPIKE!”

“Fine, geez,” he said moving to the stack of quills and parchment. Flicking the large feather over his shoulder he signaled to his adopted sister that he was ready.

“Dear Princess Celestia. The strangest thing happened today, I found an orangutan in a room of my library that, not only didn’t exist yesterday, but I am positive doesn’t fit within the tree itself. Any counsel you can provide would be greatly appreciated. Your Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle.”

Spike looked down at the words he had written on the scroll. He blinked. He looked up at Twilight then back at the scroll before once again returning his gaze to the unicorn. He struggled to find the appropriate words to express his confusion and came up with, “Wha?”

“Just send it.”

“But--”

“NOW!”

Spike recognized that particular tone of voice and moved with great haste. Rolling the parchment he inhaled deeply before sending a blast of green fire out to engulf the missive.

As the smoke disappeared out the window Twilight let out a sigh and slumped against the door in the sure knowledge that at the very least her mentor would promptly provide a solution to the current conundrum, if not appear herself to solve it for her.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the door an orange simeon was busy organizing the newly arrived books that had been rather sloppily left on the floor(2). Or, rather, he tried to. He managed to get about halfway through the box when he stopped.

The book currently in his grasp, given his current understanding of the creature that he had recently met, most definitely did not belong in this library(4). He frowned and looked back down in the box. The next book was also one that had no place in a world run by ponies.

Coming to a decision he lumbered over to the door leading into the library proper and gave it a tentative knock.

}{AOL}{

Prince Blueblood stormed through the castle hallways. Or he would have, but storming was not something he had much practice at and he didn’t want to do it wrong. Also, the possibility of chipping a hoof seemed too prevalent on the flagstone floors. He settled for a stern canter; one that said, ‘I am important, I have places to be, get out of my way.’

This seemed to work well. Nopony moved to impede his progress. That is until a rather larger unicorn in purple armor stopped in front of him.

“Excuse me, Captain.” he said, irritably.

“Come now, there is no reason to stand on formality, cousin.”

“Of course... cousin,” Blueblood did his best to hide the cringe, but judging by Shining Armor’s smirk it didn’t work. “Now if you don’t mind, I must speak to my aunt.”

“Oh? Well, you’re in luck. Cadance was visiting and last I heard they were headed to the library.”

“Thank you,” Blueblood replied begrudgingly, hoping that his newest family member would take the hint.

“Anything for family. Since we are headed in the same direction, why don’t you walk with me?”

The prince did his best to object, but failed miserably and soon found himself walking shoulder to shoulder with the guard captain. It wasn’t that Blueblood had any particular disdain for his cousin’s new husband. He was a unicorn at least and he carried himself with the demeanor that could be easily mistaken for proper birth. But he was a commoner, and the worst kind, a guard! Guards are just above criminals, only because they kept the criminals away from him.

But the worst part, the salt in the wound, the final insult was his sister! That little purple she-devil. After wrecking, WRECKING, an entire section of the palace with her little dragon stunt she got REWARDED! Celestia’s little pet magician. It was enough to make one scream!

“You okay, cuz?”

Blueblood realized he had been seething and quickly struggled to regain his composure. It would not do to be seen by the palace folk in such a state. “I am fine. And I would prefer that you not address me again in such a fashion.”

Shining pulled up to a stop before the pair of guards standing beside the entrance to the library, “Whatever you say, BB.” Before the prince could formulate a sufficiently indignant response, the captain spoke to the two guards: “At ease boys. Having a good day?”

“Sir, yes, sir.” they spoke in unison, neither seeming to relax in the slightest.

“I’m glad to hear it. Are the princesses still inside?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Thank you,” he turned back to the prince. “After you.”

The door swung open and Prince Blueblood walked through with his nose held dangerously high in the air.

It was about thirty minutes later that the door opened again and the blue maned stallion stepped out with a slightly manic expression. “You did say that the princesses were, in fact, still inside?”

Both guards nodded in the affirmative. “Nopony has been past us save you and the prince.”

“And there was no big magic spell used? Say teleportation?”

The unicorn guard shook his head, “N-no s-sir..” he said finally noticing the expression worn by his superior.

“There was this odd sound that-”

“Sound? What sound?”

“Well, it was kinda like scroooooooocccchhhhhh.”

“Scrooooocccchhh?”

“No, more like, scraaaaaaaacccchhhhhh.”

“Scrach?”

“It was definitely more of a uh sound, maybe scruuuuuuccchhh.”

“You need to get your ears checked, it was much higher pitched than that. Something like screeeeeeeeecccchhhhhh. Yeah that was it, screeeeeeeeecccchhhhhh.”

“Oh yeah, now I remember screeeeeeeeecccchhhhhh. Don’t know how I got that confused.”

The two guards nodded in agreement before turning back to face their captain.

“So there was a screeeeeeeeecccchhhhhh sound.... and you two did what, exactly?”

The pegasus gulped, “Uhm, we figured that, uhm, with all three princesses in there that, uhm, if something was wrong they could handle it?”

“Three?”

The unicorn spoke up with a little more confidence than his counterpart, “Princess Luna has been in their for the better part of two days. Sir.”

Shining Armor nodded once before disappearing back into the library. Both guards let out a sigh as the door slammed closed behind him. Everything was fine for about five minutes.

“You’re completely sure then, that all the princesses should be in here?”

The guards leapt and brought their spears to bear against the intruder before realizing who it was and blushing as they withdrew them as quickly as they could. “Y-yes, sir.”

“Okay, just to be completely one hundred percent sure. You are saying that all three princesses are right now, at this very moment, in this library?”

“Y-yes, sir.”

Shining Armor glared at the two guards, his eye twitched.

}{AOL}{

*KNOCK KNOCK*

Twilight jumped her own height into the air as the hinges of the door rattled against the nails holding it to the wall.

“Oook oook.”

“What was that?” Spike asked, more than a little concerned.

“Weren't you paying attention? That’s the orangutan!”

“You mean there is really an orangutan in the library?”

“OOK! OOOK!”

“He doesn’t sound happy, Twi. Maybe you should try and get him out before he breaks something.”

“He already broke the door! We will just keep him contained until the princess sends us a reply.”

“Oook.”

“What do you mean he broke the door? You’re leaning against the door.”

“The other door, Spike.”

“But there isn’t another door in that room.”

On a scale of one to ten, the Librarian would rate his day at about a four; less than happy, but it could be worse. Twilight, on the other hoof, would rate her day at about a three; not as bad as Discord breaking free, but worse than, say, trying to understand Pinkie Sense™. Her assessment would change to a two in three... two... one.

*KNOCK - CRASH*

Spike swiped a hand in front of his face to clear away the obligatory cloud of dust and dirt that filled the air. It cleared to reveal the squat orange form of the Librarian looking rather bashful as he stood in the doorway that would be more accurate called a ‘way’.

“Uhhg.” Twilight moaned from under the door.

“Oook?” the Librarian asked. He looked down and noticed the four lavender limbs sticking out under the door. “EEK!”

The books he had been holding fell to the ground at his feet as he gripped the door. With a mighty heave he flipped it over and freed the unfortunate unicorn.

Too shocked to move Spike just stared at the long armed, short legged, pear shaped, orange ape standing over his adoptive sister. He watched as it expertly made its way around the slightly flattened unicorn, poking and prodding at her. Lifting her head, the Librarian forced her eyes open with powerful fingers and glared into them. Satisfied, he gently laid her head back down to let her sleep it off and turned to the purple and green lizard.

“Ook?” he asked, pointing to Twilight. Spike tilted his head in confusion. “Ook, oook?” the Librarian asked again.

“Are... are you talking to me?”

The Librarian nodded, “Oook ook ooook.”

“I-I’m sorry, but I don’t understand.”

A huge hand gripped his face as he shook his head. The Librarian thought for a moment and a candle sprang to life behind him.

“Oook ook ooook ook.” he said, mimicking the actions of writing in the air.

Spike quickly picked up on what the orangutan was trying to communicate and ran to the desk with the parchment and quills. Retrieving said items, he handed them over and waited while the Librarian bent over them and scribbled furiously across the page. Finishing, he passed the letter to the baby dragon who took it and scanned the page.

Spike sighed and let the page drop to the floor. It landed face up, displaying the surprisingly neat and precise handwriting.

Oook oook ook ooooook. Oook ook, oooook ook. Oooook oook ook ooook ook oook oooook. Oook oook ooook!

Spike gripped his face. “This is going to be a long day.”

}{AOL}{

“Boo!”

“Boo!”

“That ain’t not’n spet’l for a un’corn!”

The black top hat flopped back to the tiny table and squeaked in surprise. The old nag behind the foals frowned at the mare standing on the little wooden crate that acted as a stage. The light blue unicorn struggled to maintain her composure in the face of her employer’s displeasure.

“It’s a paycheck Trixie. You need this paycheck!” she managed to force a smile to her lips and retrieve the discarded hat. “The Great and Powerful Trixie will now pull a rabbit from this ordinary top hat.”

Trixie closed her eyes in resignation. She readied herself to cast the spell to remove the small illusion hiding the rabbit(3). Before she could loose the energy, a distinct smell of smoke assaulted her nostrils. A cloud of soot coalesced before her eyes and flared up in a flash of green fire. All sound seemed to stop of a moment as every eye stared at the scroll laying on the stage at Trixie’s hooves.

Trixie, not wanting to give the foals a chance, grabbed the scroll in her magic and cracked the seal. Trixie scanned the page, her eyes widening as she read. When she reached the bottom of the page her face became a scowl. The scroll crumbled into a little ball and flared in a bright orange fire.

“Now. For Trixie’s next trick, Trixie will need a volunteer.”

Celestia

Alicorns, an Orangutan, and L-Space

Written by: Honey Mead

Pre-read by: Doomande and Ponky

Chapter 2.25

[Footnotes]

Out in the woods of Bad Ass(1) is there a dirt road, well there are a number of dirt roads. It would be safe to say that almost all the roads in Bad Ass are dirt roads, but there is one dirt road that is remarkable above all other dirt roads. It isn’t a particularly large dirt road, only wide enough for a single horse drawn cart. This road is important because it leads to a single lonely cottage.

It is a cottage that invokes the full and complete adjective ‘rustic’. It is of a decent size, having two stories with two large rooms down stairs along with the kitchen. Outside there is a nice flower bed around the front and a large garden around back. There is almost nothing about this cottage that would stand out to average observer. To any observer worth their salt, however, there is plenty that doesn’t quite add up.

First of all, though in good repair, the path leading to the front door shows almost no sign of use while the path curving around back is well worn. There is also a distinct lack of ‘frilly’ things such as flowers, the flower bed being populated by herbs that occupied their time by swaying with or without the help of a breeze. Finally there are the beehives. This would normally not raise too many eyebrows until the observer noted that the bees were rather busy pulling weeds. And goats.

The owner of the house slept peacefully, curled up as she was on the blankets of the bed. The tenant also slept, stiff and stretched out under the blankets. Both had their eyes closed and head resting comfortably. That only one of the two seemed to be breathing was quite normal. Hence the small note tied around the tenant’s neck.

“I Aten't Dead”

}{AOL}{

“-Dear!”

Letitia stopped sobbing at the sound. No one was supposed to come into the library while she was having one of her... moments. Her eyes widened at what she thought she saw standing before her. She managed to have the presence of mind to wipe the tears from her eyes before reacting. She blinked. She looked down at the book on the side table. She looked back up. She pinched herself.

“Ouch! That hurt.”

Celestia looked at the small white mound that had suddenly spoken. There are a number of different species in Equestria, and though she can’t name them all, she had never seen a mound of white fluff speak before. Realizing the ridiculousness of that she shook her head, her pink mane flopping about in the air. Wait, that’s not right...

“MY MANE!”

There was a pause while the echo of her seldom used Royal Canterlot Voice™ dissipated.

“A TALKING UNICORN!”

A small pink ape like creature exploded from the mound of fluff with an audible *squee*. The princess reacted immediately to the threat and casted a shield spell. The pink creature with a long blonde mane tackled the princess, throwing arms around her neck and laughing happily.

Being an immortal who has seen more years than most ponies see days she reacted in the most appropriate manner possible. She froze in abject terror.

Minutes later Celestia regained some amount of her composure and, being a thoroughly logic equine, began to run through a list of what she knew. It is likely that her thoughts went something like this...

Okay. This is bad. This is very bad. First L-Space opened up and sucked me into another world. A world where my magic doesn’t work. Second, a local life form has attached itself to me... it doesn’t seem to be doing anything but nuzzling my neck, it is possibly a benign parasite(2) of some kind, though it is rather large for that. I appear to be in a library. This is good, I can work with a library. Finally my mane has reverted back... Oh Dear.

This sudden break in her thoughts was caused to an odd cooing sound emanating from the parasite. Celestia craned her neck to try and get a good look at it. The creature pressing itself against her neck and chest was indeed making odd soothing sounds as one of its appendages moved softly over the back of Celestia’s neck, just below her mane. She found this disturbingly comforting under the current circumstances.

She noticed that her heart beat was returning to normal, she had been hyperventilating without even realizing it. Now calmed down she found her eyes drawn to the book sitting on the small table next to the pile of fluff. She stepped towards it and read the title. The Last Unicorn

“Oh dear...”

}{AOL}{

“Excuse me, uhm, dear... can you understand me?”

“Of course I can, silly head. Heheheh”

Celestia’s face twisted like she had swallowed some bad hay. “Yes, silly me. Would you mind letting go?”

For a solid five seconds nothing seemed to happen and Celestia worried the poor thing had broken. To her great relief the grip around her neck loosened and the creature stepped back allowing Celestia to finally get a look at her.

The creature appeared to be apish in build, though rather slender and hairless compared to the ones she was used to. A golden mane flowed from its head and down almost to its middle. Its exposed skin was pale except for where there were obvious signs of make-up. Based on certain, oddities, in it’s shape Celestia guessed that it was female.

“Thank you. Now what is your name, dear?”

“Baroness Letitia de Chumsfanleigh.” Letitia relied, gripping her dress and looking aside bashfully.

Baroness? Good that should make things easier. Celestia thought before saying, “Well, Baroness, my name is Princess Celestia-”

“*GASP* You’re a PRINCESS?” Letitia’s face contorted in horror.

“Well, yes, but-”

Letitia dropped into a low curtsy, “I’m so sorry, your Highness, I- I hope I did not offend.”

“Please, there is no need for all that, Celestia is just fine.”

Letitia completely ignored her and dropped to the floor, gripping her face, “I’ve ruined everything! How could I be so stuhuhoopid?” She wailed.

Celestia looked down at the poor thing leaking profusely all over the place. She summoned up all of her knowledge and years of experience dealing with crisis situations to form a plan of action. “There, there,” she said, lightly petting her golden mane. “Everything will be alright.” She sat down and pulled Letitia into her lap, wrapping her in hooves and wings, “Hush now, it’s okay, everything will be just fine.”

“But I hugged you without permission and I petted you and-” she cut off with another round of wails that tore into Celestia's already hurting eardrums.

Celestia had always like to view her subjects as her surrogate children. That attitude had served her well for the millennia of dealing with petty squabbles and irate petitioners. It was times like these that she was grateful that she had never actually had a foal of her own. If she had she may well have smothered it against her chest and smiled as she squeezed the last bit of life out of it.

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

Celestia’s grip loosened and the little biped gasped at the sudden availability of air. “Oh, that must be Roland! He will be so happy to meet a Princess!”

Letitia leapt from away from the princess and bolted towards the door. Before Celestia could say anything she threw it open. Standing, slightly awkwardly, on the other side was the Baron. He took in the room, which wasn’t there last time he was in the library. When his eyes fell on the large horse like creature sitting in the center of the floor they grew about three sizes before rolling back in his head.

}{AOL}{

Tiffany Aching stormed into the castle, which is rather impressive for a five foot something young lady in an almost festive green dress. It wasn’t that she was angry, well she was, but that’s not why she stormed. She stormed out of a sense of necessity, she was after all a witch that had been summoned(3).

She noticed one of the maids standing on a small stool and dusting an ancient suit of armor. Altering her course slightly Tiffany stomped up to the unsuspecting girl and turned on her glare. The unsuspecting maid continued her work, moving a feather duster over the shoulders and helmet.

“Ahem!” Tiffany said. The maid continued dusting undisturbed. “I said, AHEM!”

The maid finished her work and carefully stepped down from the stool. She paled immediately at the sight of the point black hat wearing girl. Her jaw began working without sound.

Tiffany reached out with a finger and pushed the bobbing joint closed, with her other hand she pulled the bit of cotton out of one of the maids ears. In the sweetest voice she could manage she asked, “where is the Baron?”

“Mhmary.”

Tiffany removed her finger. “What was that?”

“Library.”

Without another word Tiffany turned on her heels and continued storming down the hallways.

Slamming the door open Tiffany stepped into the library. She stood in the doorway for a moment, a confused expression on her face. Gritting her teeth she stormed through the library to the door on the other side and swung it open. There was a loud crack and it bounced back almost hitting her nose. Someone groaned on the other side.

“Oh, well that did it.”

The door slowly swung back open revealing the second room of the library to Tiffany. Roland sat of the floor leaning over and gripping the back of his head with both hands, a soft moan escaping his lips. Lettitia seemed to be tied to a chair with a gag shoved in her mouth. Far more interesting and apparent to Tiffany was the tall white horse sitting over Roland. A long white horn protruding from its soft pink mane. It seemed to be smiling at her nervously.

Tiffany bent down and whispered in Rolands ear, “I have a few questions. Why is there a unicorn in your library?”

“Oh, good. I thought I was seeing things.”

“Why does it have wings?”

“It has what now?” Roland, still gripping his head looked up and noticed the feathery appendages tucked to Celestia’s sides.

“More importantly, and I can’t stress enough how important this one is, who said ‘Oh, well that did it.’?”

Celestia watched this for a moment, contemplating how best to react to this situation. These creatures did not seem to be the most stable of beings. Still, this new one seemed to have a better grip on her faculties and she was wearing a tall pointy black hat. “That would be me.”

The small one looked at her for a moment, Celestia could almost see the gears in her mind spinning. She braced herself for the inevitable breakdown. She was almost disappointed when it didn’t happen. “And you would be?”

“Pr-- Celestia.”

“Celestia. My name is Tiffany Aching. May I ask what you’re doing here?”

“That’s a little complicated...”