The Misadventures of Princess Luna and Black Jesus

by MarineMarksman

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Crossover, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Romance, Princess Luna, Original Character, Spike, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 8498

The sequel to the infamous "Old Spice Guy invade Equestria"

Takes place a year after the events of the story "Old Spice Guys invade Equestria." I recommend you all read it before reading this.

Finally, after centuries of tyrannical rule, the Anti-Spice (a demonic spirit that possessed Celestia early on in her life) has been overthrown, Apple Spice has been eradicated, and Old Spice reins supreme. Now, Black Jesus, Luna, and the newly freed Celestia must work together, with the help of friends both old and new, to rule the new government of Equestria.

But there is trouble brewing. The evil forces of Axe are now planning a war against Old Spice and Equestria. Will Black Jesus, Celestia, and Luna be able to fight Axe and its allies, or will Equestria fall under its iron fist?

Also, Caramel decides to try heavier stuff, and Spike suddenly finds he is no longer hated with his newly acquired girlfriend. What, you are angry that Spike abuse will no longer be prevelant? Oh don't worry, my friend, Spike will still suffer abuse.

Published 2012-08-15 10:04:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-02 04:25:50 UTC

Chapter One

A year after the war against the Anti-Spice

"I can't believe I thought this job was going to be fun." Black Jesus said, as he stamped an approval on a shipment of Old Spice Colts Scented Body Wash.

"I warned you it wasn't going to be any fun." Princess Luna said, giving him a playful look. "Celestia gets the fun part of the job. Except in wartime... then my job gets exciting."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Basically, I'm the head of our armed forces, while Celestia gets to handle the politics and shit. Meanwhile, you handle a little bit of everything, as well as everything related to Old Spice." Princess Luna said.

"Hmm... so what do you do for the armed forces?" Black Jesus asked, trying to keep the conversation going, so he wouldn't lose his sanity from the boredom.

"Oh, you know. Manage troop deployments, order weaponry and stuff, that type of thing." Luna said, "Right as we speak, I'm ordering a bunch of new firearms to replace our main infantry's aging M4's, MP5's, M240's, and M9's."

"What are you planning to buy?" Black Jesus asked, finishing up his paperwork for the day and turning towards Luna.

"As per your brothers recommendation, the HK416 for infantry and the Bushmaster ACR for airborne, as well a the FN P90, the LSAT LMG, and the HK USP to replace our SMG's, LMG's, and handguns, respectively." Princess Luna said.

The couple then sat there in complete silence for a few minutes before Black Jesus cleared his throat and began to speak, "So... uh... wanna take a break and do something?"

Luna dropped her pen on the desk, put her laptop on stand by, and turned to Black Jesus. "What do you have in mind?"

Judging by the mischievous look Black Jesus gave her, Luna guessed he something really fun in mind.

Princess Celestia was having the day of her life. There was no petty bullshit at her court today. Hell, barely anypony showed up. So, after closing up shop, she ran into Rambo Jesus, who, despite being a complete hardened bad ass, was actually very chivalrous and invited her out for lunch. And after a much needed release (no secks for over 3000 years can be tough; very tough), she decided she needed to spread her joy to her sister and her boyfriend.

So, she knocked on the door to their study.

"Go away!" Luna shouted.

Celestia smirked, ever the troll, and walked in, hoping to interrupt whatever important work they were working on. However... they certainly weren't doing work...

"Dear Chuck Norris! It's bigger than Big Macs!" Celestia screeched in shock, before fainting in a comical manner.

"Warned her." Princess Luna said with a sigh. Black Jesus only chuckled slightly, blushing from the embarrassment of being walked in on.

Meanwhile... on the other end of the planet, delegates for the nations of Griffondore and the Canine Union were busy arguing about what to do about "the Equestrian menace".

"We need to send them pics of dicks! Lots of dicks!" An old dog croaked.

"What?! I think the old dog went senile, guys." A griffon retorted, earning cackles from those surrounding him.

"Shut up with your dick talks, old dog!" A bull dog shouted at the aging delegate, "we need to send in Canine Spetsnaz to assassinate the Princesses and Black Jesus!"

"Fuck that shit! Our SAS operatives would do it much better than your Spetsnaz." The Griffon in charge of the Griffon military's special operations shouted at the bull dog.

"PENIS! PENIS! PENIIIIIIIIIIISSS!"

"I just shit myself!"

"Ramble ramble ramble!"

"ENOUGH!" A dark robed figure shouted at the top of his lungs, as thunder started to boom in the distance and ominous music started playing.

"And turn that shit off!" The robed figure shouted. He walked to the middle of the room, smelling heavily of Axe body spray, aka, the devils spray. "Our mission, my compatriots, isn't to kill just the Princesses. We're talking about the complete destruction of Equestria."

"What?! Why would we-" A young diamond dog began to object, but was interrupted as the robed figure picked up with his evil Axe powers and snapped his spinal cord and neck, before throwing the limp body across the room.

"Anymore objections?" The robed figure asked. There were none.

"Good. I want you mobilize your military and have it ready to deploy by Chapter Seven. Understood?" The robed figure asked.

"Yes dark master!" The delegates responded in unison.

"Good... good... dismissed..." The robed figure croaked, before disappearing in a flash.

"Sorry about... scarring you, Tia'." Luna apologized, giggling a little to herself.

"Screw... you..." Celestia mumbled, glaring daggers at Luna.

"To be fair, I DID warn you not to come in." Princess Luna said, smirking. "You gave Black Jesus quite the heart attack."

"That you did..." Black Jesus muttered.

"Oh for Chuck's sake, Black Jesus, quit your moping." Princess Luna teased, "so Tia, what is it you wanted?"

"Oh yes! I almost forgot! I wanted to know if you guys wanted to have some fun." Princess Celestia stated, making a squeaking noise as a big grin spreading across her face.

"Alright, I'll bite. What type of fun?" Black Jesus asked.

After asking this, a golden aura formed around Princess Celestia's horn as she teleported herself, Princess Luna, and Black Jesus out of the room.

"Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike!" Applebloom called from outside the library in a sing-song voice. "Get out ere' Spike!" After a few seconds of no answer, she rushed into the house and galloped up stairs, where she found Spike sleeping in his bed.

"Spiiiike! Wake up!" Applebloom shouted at Spike.

"Huh... what?" Spike asked groggily, still half asleep.

"Ah said... git the buck up!" Applebloom shouted, pushing Spike out of bed. Spike fell out of bed and landed on his face, his nose breaking on contact with the floor.

"Alright! Alright! I'm up!" Spike proclaimed, getting to his feet and holding his nose to control the bleeding.

"Did you learn yer lesson?!" Applebloom demanded, slapping Spike across the face.

"Bitch, you slap me again and I will pimp slap your ass so hard that you will grow fucking zigger stripes." Spike threatened, realizing that what he said sounded kind of off.

"Ah guess that's fair." Applebloom stated, "Ah'm sorry fer hitting ya and gettin yer nose broken."

"Whatever. I got some pimping to do." Spike said, putting on his pimp outfit and hat, then pulling his jewel encrusted pimp cane out of the closet, as well as a jewel encrusted Colt 45. "You wanna come along?"

"Yah. But just remember that ya are my bottom bitch." Applebloom stated, as they walked out of the room together.

Chapter Two

[Authors note - You know what I hate? When you guys don't make comments.

Black Jesus fell to his knees and gasped for air as he, Princess Luna, and Princess Celestia exited out of the portal. He puked a little, eliciting an "ew" from Celestia and an evil laugh from Luna.

"I'll never get used to that..." Black Jesus muttered, rising from his knees. He looked around and found himself in front of a Mare-Mart, and that they were surrounded by a bunch of bewildered ponies. After all, it wasn't every day that the nations three rulers appear out of no where.

"So... what's your plan, Celestia?" Black Jesus asked.

"A very simple one, my friend. I'll show you. Just follow my lead... and be cooooooooool..." Celestia said, putting on some shades and walking into the superstore all cool like. Black Jesus and Princess Luna shared a confused glance, before shrugging and following the white alicorn inside.

After the meeting, the dark robed figure teleported to a faraway base in the polar regions of the planet. It used to be an Equestrian Army outpost, but the powers of Axe put an end to that, killing off every single soldier stationed there without mercy. The robed figure drifted through the base and entered the communications room. He then pressed a button on a control panel and knelt in front of a large pedestal. Seconds later, the pedestal activated, revealing a hologram of an alien creature dressed in dark robes.

"Master..." the robed figure said respectively.

"Ah... Lord Zarius... it is nice to hear from you once more. Tell me, what news do you bring of your mission on Equis?" The alien, named Master Axe, inquired.

"Master Axe, I have convinced Griffondore and the Canine Union to join me in my war against Equestria. They are not aware of the true meaning of this war, but they hate the ponies enough to ignore what I... I mean we, truly desire." Lord Zarius answered.

Master Axe cackled evilly and grinned smugly Lord Zarius. "You have proven to be a worthy pupil, Lord Zarius. I do not regret taking you under my wing. The power of Axe has shown me that you will spearhead the destruction of Old Spice, as well as Black Jesus and his friends. But... I have one more request of you, Lord Zarius..."

"What is it, master?" Lord Zarius inquired.

"I want you to find and kill Black Jesus, and bring me his body. Chuck Testa will make him into a fine piece of art for my collection." Master Axe stated.

"It shall be done, my master." Lord Zarius said.

"Good... good... I wish you the best of luck, Lord Zarius." Master Axe stated, before the pedestal switched off.

"SPIDERMAN, HURRY UP THE FUCK UP! BILLY MAYS NEEDS TO SHOWER AS WELL!" Billy Mays shouted through the door.

"I don't give a fuck! Not one single fuck!" 60's Spiderman shouted back, even though he was pretty much Peter Parker at the moment since he didn't have his awesome Spiderman suit on.

"Yes! And you are disturbing us!" Princess Lulu shouted over the sound of the running water. Oh yeah... and she was taking a shower with him as well.

"This shit is so cash. Not like a give a fuck or anything." Spiderman commented.

Lulu rolled her eyes. "Says the one who gave me his one single fuck." Lulu teased.

"And you've given me plenty of fucks in return." Spiderman retorted with a smirk.

"I trotted right into that, didn't I?" Lulu asked.

"GET THE FUCK OUT, OR BILLY MAYS WILL KICK YOUR ASS INTO NEXT WEEK!" Billy Mays shouted through the door.

"Ugh! Fine! Not like I give a fuck, though!" Spiderman shouted back, as he reached to turn off the water. He climbed out of the shower, tossing Lulu a towel before drying himself with his own towel. He quickly threw on his awesome Spiderman suit on and led Lulu out of the bathroom.

"All yours, Billy." Lulu said as they passed by them.

"THANK YOU! TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH!" Billy Mays stated.

"Shove it up your ass, Billy!" Spiderman snapped, as he and Lulu rounded the corner. Billy Mays shrugged it off and walked into the bathroom, climbing into the shower and turning it on.

Rainbow Dash screeched through the skies above Ponyville, a long rainbow streaming from behind her. She had did it. She had preformed a sonic rainboom on the first try for the first time ever. No mistakes, no fuck ups, no crashes, no nothing. Just pure success.

"Oh man! This is so fucking cash!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed, doing a few barrel rolls, followed by a back flip.

And then, suddenly, she looked back and found she was being trailed by an Equestrian Air Force F-15E. And then she noticed, that there was a missile heading straight at her.

"What the hell?! No no no no NOOOOO!" Rainbow Dash shouted, right before the missile slammed into her plothole and exploded a few seconds later.

Meanwhile, on the ground, A Pimp Named Spike the Dragon and Applebloom watched as Rainbow Dash got the shit blown out of her by the Equestrian Air Force F-15E.

Despite your expectations, which may range from them running away in fear to flipping the Equestrian fighter the bird, they actually stood there and cheered the fighter.

"Equeeeeestria! Fuck yeah!" A Pimp Named Spike the Dragon cheered.

"Woo! Way ta go Questria'!" Applebloom cheered, "shove that missile right up er ass!"

"Well, enough fucking around. Let's go get some mother fucking bling. To the streets!" A Pimp Named Spike the Dragon stated, as they continued toward the town center.

"So..." Rambo Jesus began awkwardly, looking across the card table at Pikachu.

"Pika...?" Pikachu asked, taking a drag of his cigarette.

"How's the family?" Rambo Jesus asked.

"Pika pika pikachu." Pikachu responded, facepalming.

"Oh yeah... you haven't seen your family since you got kidnapped by that fucking ten year old, huh?"

"Pika." Pikachu responded solemnly, taking another deep drag of his cigarette.

"Fucking cuntbag... well, he's dead now, right?" Rambo Jesus asked.

"Pika! Pika chu chu pikachu!" Pikachu responded, grinning maniacally.

"Nice. Fucking little cunt had it coming." Rambo Jesus said, as he reached across the table and fist bumped Pikachu. Am I the only one here who wants to fist bump Pikachu? Shit would be so cash.

Chapter Three

It was late in the afternoon, and Black Jesus and Princess Luna were still following around Princess Celestia, who was obviously searching for something.

"Perhaps we could request some assistance." Princess Luna pointed out, "It's obvious you have no idea where the thing you are looking for is."

"I can't do that, or we will get in trouble." Princess Celestia responded.

"What does it matter? We're the rulers of this nation. If we get in trouble, we would get off with nothing!" Princess Luna pointed out.

"She has a point." Black Jesus stated.

"Well, I don't think they would help us either way- wait! Found it!" Celestia exclaimed happily, running over to a phone that was hooked into the wall. Eagerly, she picked up the phone and dialed *96. Suddenly, the stores intercom system switched on, and Celestia started to speak into the phone.

"Attention shoppers," Celestia's voice began to say throughout the entire superstore, "we have a penis sale in aisle five. That is all." And then she hung up, and the trio started cracking up.

"For a three thousand year old alicorn, you haven't gained much maturity, have you?"

Celestia glared at Luna, pretending to be offended. “And I thought I was the stiff. It’s all in good fun, sis.”

“Besides, it’s not like you are any more mature, Luna.” Black Jesus pointed out, smirking at her.

“Fuck you Jesus!” Luna shouted at him, shoving him playfully, “you’re supposed to be backing me up! You’re my boyfriend, for Chuck’s sake!”

The trio stood there, gritting their teeth in anger as they glared at each other, until they all broke down in laughter a few seconds later.

“Okay, enough chit chat. Let’s do another.” Luna said, picking up the phone and dialing in *69, then saying, “Attention shoppers, my dick is hard. It is oh so very hard. Thank you.”

The trio started cracking up once more, before Luna even hung up the phone, causing their laughter to echo throughout the entire super store.

“Wait, you have a dick? How did I miss that?” Black Jesus asked sarcastically.

“Yeah, I do! Wanna see?” Luna retorted, rolling her eyes.

“My mind is so full of fuck right now.” Black Jesus proclaimed.

“Feels good, doesn’t it?” Celestia asked.

“Yeah, feels good man.” Black Jesus stated, before putting the phone up to his face and dialing *69.

"Attention shoppers, we are all out of Old Spice. I repeat, we are all out of Old Spice. We apologize for the convenience." Black Jesus's voice echoed throughout the entire super store.

"No Old Spice?!" Someone shouted from nearby.

"Game over, man, game over!" Another shouted.

"We all royally fucked!"

Suddenly, in their panic, the ponies that were scattered throughout the super store started to riot.

"Great job Jesus! Now look what you did!" Luna shouted at him.

"You aren't supposed to incite a riot with your prank, imbecile!" Celestia scolded.

"Don't worry about it guys, I got this!" Black Jesus shouted, before lifting off the ground and floating in the middle of the super store. "ATTENTION MY CHILDREN! LISTEN UP!"

Everypony in the superstore all suddenly stopped rioting and looked up at Black Jesus, then made their way to the middle of the super store, where Black Jesus was waiting.

"I am sure you all know who I am... and what my powers are." Black Jesus began, looking over the crowd.

"I don't!" Somepony in the background.

Black Jesus immediately pointed in the direction of the voice. "Seize him... and send him TO THE MOOOOOOOOOON!" He proclaimed. Celestia immediately picked the colt off the ground, and then after listening to him shriek in fear for a few seconds, teleported him to the moon.

"That was the wrong guy... but I think the point got across just fine. Anyways... in the wake of these recent, tragic events, I bring you all new Old Spice!" As he said this, Black Jesus used his black magic to rain bottle of New! Old Spices Tranny Scented Body Wash on the crowd.

"Enjoy!" Black Jesus exclaimed, before teleporting himself and his companions out of the super store.

Meanwhile, on the moon, the colt was busy looking around his new home. It was barren, dark, and cold... and had a bunch of random banana's floating around for some reason or another. There was also several skeletons of ponies that have long rotted away. The skeletons appeared to be heavily damaged from some sort of confrontation. As he pondered if this meant that those ponies were killed, instead of just left here to die, he noticed several of the moon rocks that surrounded him were moving towards him.

"Well fuck." He said, before the rocks transformed into spider-like alien creatures that jumped on him and brutally attacked him.

As A Pimp Named Spike the Dragon and Applebloom reached the red light district of Ponyville, Luna's moon was already starting to rise (due to all the delays that happened on the way over, including a very hot secks scene between the two). Upon arriving, Spike spotted two of his bitches, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo.

"How much money have you ho's made so far tonight?" A Pimp Named Spike the Dragon inquired.

"We just got out daddy." Scootaloo answered. At this, A Pimp Named Spike the Dragon looked like he was about to bust a nut.

"If it weren't for the fact you ho's are my girlfriends best friends, I'd slap you up and down this street." A Pimp Named Spike the Dragon stated, "Now get out there and make me some mother fucking money!"

After watching the two ho's turn tail and run away from their pimp, he turned towards Applebloom with a smile. "Your friends have trouble following orders from their daddy." He stated.

"Ya know Ah don't mind if ya strike em', right?" Applebloom asked, "they know what they signed up fer."

"True." A Pimp Named Spike the Dragon said, "Come on, we need to go see my ho Twist."

And with that, the two started to walk up the street, in the direction of Twist's normal area for prostituting.

"So, you're telling me, that you found a race of alien life up on the moon when you banished there?" Black Jesus asked, as he and Luna climbed into their bed.

"Yes. These aliens were like spiders that hid themselves as moon rocks. I barely managed to survive in my fight against them. The endless amount of ponies that were sent up there, however, weren't so lucky." Princess Luna answered, going under the covers.

"Shit. I almost feel bad for that colt that we sent up there today." Black Jesus stated.

"He probably was suffocated the moment he went up there. Don't worry, it was quick." Luna lied. Luna knew that Celestia placed a spell on every pony she banished to the moon that allowed them to survive in the vacuum of space.

As Black Jesus started to nod off, Luna turned towards him and started to frown. "Black Jesus, can I ask you a question?"

"Of course. Go ahead." Black Jesus answered, turning towards her.

"I'm just curious... why haven't you asked me to marry me yet?" Princess Luna asked.

OH NO! The question that every man dreads. Including our hero, Black Jesus. "Well... it's not that I'm not ready. It's-"

"It's me?!" Luna demanded.

"No. Don't be silly. It's just I haven't really had the time. I probably will by the end of this series, because, you know, the readers like cliche shit." Black Jesus stated.

Luna shrugged and snuggled into his chest. "I think that's good enough for me." She said, as she close her eyes and began to fall asleep, Black Jesus quickly following her lead.

Chapter Four

[Authors note - Warning: This chapter includes quite graphic content, including Twist Abuse, details about what the Canines want to do to the ponies of Equestria, and details about what the Griffons want to do to the ponies Equestria. Viewers discretion advised.

lol jking fuk of -spoderman]

As Applebloom and a Pimp Named Spike the Dragon approached the area that Twist typically does her whoring in, they found the peppermint colored mare smoking crack with Silver Spoon, who became Twist's friend/lesbian girlfriend after Diamond Tiara died of head trauma, an event everypony remembered as one of the best days in Equestria's long history. It's also the day ponies started treating Spike with some respect. With this new found respect, as well as his new girlfriend, he made his dream of becoming a pimp come true.

Anyways, off topic. Jesus, I have a knack for getting off topic. Am I Pinkie Pie or something.

"No, I'm Pinkie Pie, silly!" Pinkie said from in between MarineMarksman's legs.

"Dafuq?!" MarineMarksman exclaimed, falling back out of his chair.

While MarineMarksman was busy getting the shit scared out of him by Pinkie Pie, who somehow not only broke the fourth wall, but broke through fourth wall and is now stuck in MarineMarksman's universe, Applebloom and a Pimp Named Spike the Dragon approached the crack smoking lesbian couple.

"Bitch, what the fuck do you think you are doing?!" A Pimp Named Spike the Dragon demanded. Twist looked up and practically shit herself upon spotting her pimp, who looked like he just about ready to bust a nut.

"Ya goin ta answer him?!" Applebloom demanded.

"I'm... I'm..." Twist stuttered, trying to find the words to explain what the fuck she was doing. While she was doing this, a Pimp Named Spike the Dragon glanced over at Applebloom, who nodded to him, as if giving Spike permission to do something. And we all know what she gave him permission to do.

"Oh lawd! Let us Pray the Pimp's Prayer." A Pimp Named Spike the Dragon began, causing Twist to cower in fear, "Lord, please pray for the soul of this bitch and guide my pimp hand and make it strong Lord, so that she might learn a hoe's place."

"Amen." Applebloom stated.

"Amen." MarineMarksman stated.

"Amen." Pinkie Pie stated.

"Amen." Chad stated.

"Amen." Everyone in the known universe stated, as a Pimp Named Spike the Dragon pulled off his pimp gloves and smacked Twist with them across her face with such force that it sent her flying into a wall. A Pimp Named Spike the Dragon then wobbled over to her and kicked her in the stomach as hard as he could. He then pulled out his jewel encrusted Colt .45 and pointed it at Twist's head.

"NOW GET THE FUCK OUT ON THE STREET AND GET ME MY MOTHER FUCKING MONEY, BEFORE I BLOW YOUR FUCKING BRAINS OUT!" A Pimp Named Spike the Dragon bellowed, sending the bitch scrambling to her feet and fleeing for her life. A Pimp Named Spike the Dragon then picked up Twists crack pipe and threw it at her fleeing form. The crack pipe hit her directly in the back of the head and shattered. Luckily for Twist, her mane protected her scalp for the most part, but some of the glass did get embedded in her skull, and it would take more than a couple stitches to fix the injury.

Once Twist was out of sight, a Pimp Named Spike the Dragon turned his attention toward the cowering form of Silver Spoon, who was still holding her crack pipe. He ripped the crack pipe away from her hooves and put his jewel encrusted Colt .45 to her head.

"I see you again my ho during whoring hours again, and I will kill you. Just like your long dead friend Diamond Tiara. You dig?" A Pimp Named Spike the Dragon asked the now whimpering Silver Spoon. Unable to speak, she just nodded a little.

"Now git!" Applebloom proclaimed, stepping forward towards her as if to strike her, sending her fleeing.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the planet, the Canine Union Armed Forces were busy preparing for the impending invasion of Equestria. The soldiers were all craving the thought of being able to kill their long rivals. Quite a few of them were also looking forward to enjoying smoked equine flesh, a delicacy among the Canine Union's population. Some of the more disturbed dogs were looking forward to the feeling of tight pony pussy and flank.

Yeah, you heard that right.

I'm sure you know have an idea of how fucked up the dogs on this planet are now, right? Heh, and you thought the diamond dogs were bad. The diamond dogs are thief's, but the members of the Canine Union Armed Forces are literally trained to act like savages during deployments, to scare the population of the occupied nation into submission. Which is rather useful, seeing how the Canine Union Armed Forces are armed with equipment that was imported from the Soviet Union late in the Cold War, which is nothing compared to what the Equestrian military were packing.

Of course, that wasn't the goal this time. This time, the orders were to kill every single member of the Equestrian population. An order the savage members of the Canine Union Armed Forces would gladly follow.

And in the neighboring nation of Griffondore, the members of the Griffon Armed Forces were thinking similar thoughts as they prepared for the impending invasion. While their forces weren't trained to act savage like Canine Union's forces (they were in fact trained similarly to the British armed forces), and certainly weren't thinking of raping the mares of Equestria (the thought of rape repulsed most Griffons, especially the thought of raping ponies), they were looking forward to the taste of pony flesh. There was various ways the Griffons liked to cook pony flesh. They particularly liked to fill their eyes with cream. It made a rather nice desert.

Unlike their allies, they were armed with weaponry more up to par to the modern equipment the Equestrian military was using. Their Special Forces were also pretty much equal to the Equestrian Special Forces in training and equipment.

However... Equestria's armed forces did have one huge advantage. They had the power of Old Spice backing them up. And really... what can beat Old Spice? Axe? Are you fucking kidding me?

"Nope. I don't think he's kidding, Army guy." Pinkie Pie stated.

"Dammit Pinkie..." MarineMarksman muttered, facepalming.

MarineMarksman was becoming more and more visibly stressed by the minute. Not only did he have to write this story, he also had to take care of Pinkie Pie while trying to help her find a way home.

'This is some bullshit.' MarineMarksman thought to himself.

Chapter Five

[Authors note - Because I love you sick fucks, I'm including even more gruesome Twist abuse. Abuse that will make it seem like Spike was loved back in the Old Spice Guys invade Equestria.

SIck fucks.

"What are you doing?!" Pinkie asked.

Pinkie, go away.

"Okay!" Pinkie chirped.

Christ...]

MarineMarksman sighed and looked down at Pinkie, who was looking at him, as if expecting him to do something.

"Well..." MarineMarks- you know what? Fuck it. If I can call my roommate by his name, I might as well go by name as well. It's Liam, by the way.

"Well what?" Pinkie asked, beaming at him.

"What the hell am I supposed to do with you?" Liam inquired.

"I don't know." Pinkie answered, looking down at her hooves, as if expecting them to give her the answer.

"Dude, who are you- woah!" Chad exclaimed as he spotted Pinkie, "Dude, am I tripping right now?"

"Nope! You're standing up perfectly fine!" Pinkie said with a large, innocent grin plastered on her face.

"God dammit Pinkie..." Liam muttered, facepalming.

"Wait, you're seeing this?!" Chad demanded, freaking out even more.

"Yeah. Pinkie Pie, meet First Sergeant Chad. Chad, meet Pinkie Pie." Liam said.

"Hi!" Pinkie chirped happily.

"Man... I need a drink..." Chad muttered, as he started to walk out of the room.

"Ooo! Do you have vodka?" Pinkie asked, causing Chad to stop in his tracks and look back at the colorful pink pony.

"What did you say?" Chad inquired.

"Are you deaf silly? I asked for some vodka." Pinkie Pie chirped.

"Now you're talking my language." Liam said, patting Pinkie on the back.

"Shots ahoy!" Chad exclaimed happily, before running downstairs.

Meanwhile... in the universe of ponies... Twist was walking down the street in tears, her head still bleeding profusely from glass from her crack pipe that got embedded in skull.

"Fucking Spike... always a fucking asshole..." Twist sniveled.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY, BITCH?!" A Pimp Named Spike the Dragon demanded. Twist looked up and noticed she just circled around the town, ending up back at the spot where she last saw her pimp. Spike ran up and kicked her in the stomach with all his strength, a sickening crack cutting through the midnight silence as several of her ribs fractured.

"Fuck!" Twist cursed in agony, before receiving another kick to the stomach. Spike then used his jewel encrusted pimp cane to hit her in the face, causing several of her teeth of get knocked out of her mouth.

"WHO'S AN ASSHOLE BITCH!? WHO'S AN ASSHOLE?!" A Pimp Named Spike the Dragon demanded, pulling out his jewel encrusted Colt .45 and putting a cap in her ass, then put a round into each of her legs.

"Now get out of my sight!" A Pimp Named Spike the Dragon shouted at the now unconscious peppermint filly, before throwing her out in the street.

Princess Luna stirred in her sleep, before opening her eyes. She then realized that her beloved was no longer beside her.

"Jesus...?" She croaked sleepily, sitting up in bed. She looked around the room and noticed that Black Jesus was standing on the balcony that overlooked the city of Canterlot. Pulling off the covers, Luna rolled out of bed and tossed on a black hoodie, before trotting up behind him.

"A bit for your thoughts?" Luna asked, standing beside him and leaning against the guard rail.

"I don't have any spare change. Go get a job, you bum." Black Jesus sneered, his voice oozing with sarcasm.

Luna chuckled at this and pecked him on the cheek. "So what's up?" She asked.

"My father sent me a message in my dreams last night... and as usual... it's not good news." Black Jesus said solemnly, "the evil powers of Axe are working against Equestria, and wish to eradicate all that live here. And... they have convinced the Canine Union and Griffondore to support them."

"Dear Chuck..." Luna gasped

"I've already ordered our forces to start mobilizing when you were asleep, and I was planning to tell you when you awoke. I didn't want to disturb your sleep, because, you know, I'm a nice guy." Black Jesus said, before turning around and sweeping Luna off her hooves and carrying her back to bed.

Le sexy time...

Chapter Six

Black Jesus lie in bed beside a now sleeping Princess Luna, wishing he too could fall asleep. But he found that he couldn't, for the stress of the coming war was simply too much for him.

'I thought that with the eradication of the Anti-Spice, this land would finally be free. Free from war, free from destruction, free from oppression.' Black Jesus thought to himself, 'I thought that it would at least last longer than a year.'

Black Jesus chuckled to himself quietly. "This is all my fault," he muttered, "and it's up to me to fix it."

In the land that Black Jesus had came from, there was a team of the biggest bad asses in existence, known as the Black Six. They weren't known as the Black Six because they were some black ops team, or because they were a bunch of fat goth fucks. They were known as the Black Six because it was made up of the six baddest black cats in existence. Now, let me tell you about them.

"What are you writing about, Liam?" Pinkie Pie asked.

Fuck off Pinkie. I'm writing.

"I know that silly!" Pinkie chirped.

Kill me.

"Later." Pinkie Pie promised.

Anyways... first there was Black One. His name was Morgan Freeman, the leader of Black Six. While he wasn't the most bad ass member of the team, he was the smartest among them, and was a tactical genius. He served as the primary general in Black Jesus's rebellion, managing to take on entire armies with a single battalion of elite trained infantry and won.

Then, there was Black Two, or the famous Mr. T. Though he didn't have Morgan Freeman's brains (he was still quite intelligent), he was one of the most highly trained members of the Black Six, after serving in the Army Rangers in the Vietnam War, and working with the A Team. He certainly knew how to put foo's in their place.

Next was Black Three, or Black Dynamite. From being the first black man on the moon, to running a whore house/orphanage, he was arguably the most accomplished member of the Black Six. Armed with a large .44 magnum, he blasts away anyone that stands in his way away, whether they be ninjas, aliens, or rival pimps.

Next, there was Black Four, or Samuel L. Jackson. Truly, Samuel was like the black version of 60's era Spiderman. He doesn't give a fuck if you're a terrorist, a snake, or a scumbag criminal. But if you piss him off, he would certainly put you in a whole.

Next, there was Black Five, or Sergeant Major Johnson. Yeah, that's right, that Sergeant Johnson. After years upon years of service in the UNSC, he got teleported to our dimension when Installation 04B exploded. If it wasn't for the fact he didn't have Mr. T's awesome hawk and bling, he would probably be Black Five.

Finally... there was Black Six. Black Six was none other but Black Jesus, who left the team upon being told by his father to go to Equestria and save their souls. He didn't have the combat experience of the other members of the Black Six, but using the power of Old Spice, he was likely the most powerful member of the Black Six.

"Woah, no way!" Pinkie exclaimed.

Way.

Morgan Freeman rose from his bed, having been awaken by the sound of his cell phone going off. He quickly ran over and picked it up.

"Hello?" He answered.

"The Black Cat is in the bag." Black Jesus's voice stated.

"What color eyes does that Black Cat have?" Morgan Freeman asked.

"Red." Black Jesus answered.

"So, you want us to help you in some war or something? Let me guess, the bad guys are jealous of your nations prosperity and want to kick your ass." Morgan Freeman stated.

"Precisely. Our forces are, I must admit, quite well trained, and very well armed. However... we're up against two nations, plus the evil forces of Axe." Black Jesus said.

"Shit. Sounds like you really need our help." Morgan Freeman stated.

"Yeah. Any chance you can?" Black Jesus asked.

"Anything for you, Black Six. Every member of the Black Six owe you big time. We will be there by tomorrow evening." Morgan Freeman promised.

"Thank you. Good bye, Morgan." Black Jesus stated.

"See you tomorrow, Black Jesus." Morgan Freeman said, before hanging up.

The forces of Old Spice weren't the only forces at work. The evil forces of Axe was also forming a team of warriors to counter the Black Six.

Led by the infamous Christian Weston Chandler (who's the best example of why Axe fails in comparison to Old Spice; he smells like rotten cheese on a hot plate), the team was made up of some the most hated people on Earth. Besides Christian, there was Mel Gibson (great actor; greater douchebag), Jack the Ripper (a famous Axe user who would spray Axe in the faces of his victims to blind them), Tom Cruise (fucking Scientologist...), and the mother fucking Joker.

Will the forces of Old Spice be able to take on these infamous assholes?

Maybe. Maybe.

"Where is the mind fuckery?" Pinkie Pie asked, somehow sitting on top of Liam's head.

"Pinkie, get the fuck off my head..." Liam muttered.

"Okie dokie!" Pinkie answered, slipping down into his lap.

"If you don't get off of me, we're going anal." Liam warned.

"Sweet! I love anal!" Pinkie chirped, clopping her hooves together happily.

"Well, there's your mind fuckery people!" Liam announced, "now if you excuse me, I have a pretty pink party pony to fuck up the ass."

Chapter Seven

Black Jesus's eyes shot open, being awoken by the sound of several helicopters passing over the royal castle. He looked over and noticed that a note had been left for him on the nightstand. He picked it up and began to read.

Black Jesus,

I got up early to prepare for the meeting later today at twelve. I didn't want to disturb you, you looked so peaceful, and besides, it looked like you had a rough night. See you at the meeting.

XOXO Luna

Black Jesus smiled to himself as he balled up the piece of paper and tossed it into a nearby trashcan like your typical black man would shoot basketballs into basketball hoops.

What, I'm racist?! Shit... what's the usual Republican racism defense? Oh yeah! I'll have you know I have a lot of black friends and colleagues...

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yes, I remember. Shit, I have horrible memory.

Black Jesus walked out onto the balcony, exposing his giant black cock to the general populace of Canterlot, resulting in a lot of jealousy among the nearby stallions and plenty of dropped jaws among the mares of Canterlot. Purely, his cock was the most superior cock in existence.

Then, a sudden knock at the door cut through the peacefulness of the morning like a knife through flesh. Black Jesus turned around to see Princess Celestia trot in, flanked by two members of the Royal Guard (who were decked out in standard military tactical gear and armed with firearms, instead of ceremonial armor and spears like usual).

"Black Jesus, Lu- Oh dear me!" Celestia exclaimed upon noticing the royal cock, before she averted her eyes, her face turned a bright shade of red.

"What? It's just the royal black cock." Black Jesus said with a shrug, before running his fingers through his black roosters feathers.

"I know, it's just so... large..." Celestia stated, biting her bottom lip.

"Yes, it is the biggest cock in all of Equestria. Perhaps the biggest in all of existence." Black Jesus gloated.

"I could believe it. Anyways, Lulu made me come and get you. The meeting is starting in thirty minutes, and our ride is waiting for us. We need to leave, right now." Celestia urged.

Black Jesus nodded and began to walked past her, but Celestia held him back. "Put some clothes on first, Jesus."

Colonel Sparks of the Second Royal Marine Division watched the Vanhoover oceanside from his position on a nearby skyscraper that had a perfect vantage point of the beach. Far in the distance, Sparks could make out the shapes of the Seventh Royal Fleet, engaged in ship-to-ship combat with a joint Canine/Griffin fleet.

"Colonel, come in! Do you read me?!" A voice demanded from the radio strapped to Sparks tactical vest. The Colonel quickly unstrapped it from his vest and put it up to his face.

"I read you loud and clear." Sparks responded.

"This is Admiral Thunderstorm of the Seventh Fleet. Our fleet is holding off their fleet, but some of their transports managed to push through us. I recommend you get your troops ready to defend the beachhead." The Admiral advised.

"Don't worry sir, my Marines and I know what we're doing." Sparks stated, before switching to his units frequency, "Marines, we have enemy transports inbound. Get ready to engage hostiles."

"Oo-rah!" A chorus of voices called out.

60's Era Spiderman, Princess Lulu, and The Most Interesting Man in the World sat on a lavish couch in The Most Interesting Man in the World's most interesting house. They sat there watching the TV, where a new commercial staring Billy Mays was being played.

"HI BILLY MAYS HERE WITH THE NEW HIT SERIES, OUR LAST HOPE! IT IS SO AMAZING, THAT IS APPROVED BY BLACK JESUS HIMSELF. EVEN 60'S ERA SPIDERMAN GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THIS AMAZING SERIES. GOD DAMN, THIS SHIT IS AWESOME!" Billy Mays exclaimed.

"What the fuck?! You don't just say Spiderman gives a fuck about something. I don't give a single fuck about Our Last Hope!" 60's Era Spiderman snapped.

"THIS SERIES IS SO AMAZING, THAT THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD DEEMED IT WORTHY OF HIS READING!" Billy Mays stated.

"I may not always read stories, but when I do, it's not this shit..." The Most Interesting Man in the World commented.

"This is bullshit!" 60's Era Spiderman exclaimed.

"Yeah!" Lulu agreed.

Suddenly, the front door crashed in, and Twilight Sparkle walked in.

"Hi Twilight! Where'd you come from?" Lulu chirped, waving her hoof happily at Twilight.

"I honestly don't give a fuck where she came from." 60's Era Spiderman commented, earning a backhoof from Princess Lulu.

"I came from..." Twilight began to say, but then paused. After a few moments of silence, she continued, "I honestly don't know where. The writer wanted to write me in for some reason or another."

"Oh. Well... glad to see you again, Twilight!" Lulu chirped.

Then, someone poked their head out from behind the lavish couch. "Why don't you take a seat right over there, Twilight Sparkle?" The person asked.

"Oh shit!" Everyone exclaimed, upon realizing who it was.

It was fucking Chris Hansen.

"God dammit, Pinkie! Get the fuck down from there!" Liam shouted at Pinkie, who was hanging from the ceiling fan.

"No!" Pinkie shouted back.

"Jump! Jump you crazy bitch!" Chad bellowed angrily.

"No no no no no!" Pinkie shouted back, sticking her tongue out at the two soldiers.

"Dammit Chad... why did you give her the fucking coke?" Liam asked.

"Hey, it's your teenage brothers stuff. Not my fault!" Chad responded.

Liam facepalmed. "Pinkie, I have cupcakes!"

"Fuck yo cupcakes!" Pinkie shouted back, summoning a cupcake with her black magic (because she's part zebra; bet you don't remember that, do you?) and tossing it at the Green Beret, hitting him square in the face. Frosting and bits of cupcakes splattered all over the place, somehow coating the entire room with the waste.

"God dammit Pinkie..." He muttered, before storming out of the room.

Chapter Eight

"Who is attacking us, my children?" Black Jesus asked, walking into the conference room, where Equestria's top Generals and Princess Luna were waiting.

"Everyone, it seems." Luna replied, pressing a small button on the wall beside her, which activated a holographic map in the middle of the conference room. "Our air force is fighting off the ice dragons in the north, the Canine Union is attacking our west coast, and the griffons are attacking the east coast."

"What are we doing to counter this?" Princess Celestia inquired, sitting her fat flank in her pink bean bag chair. She eats too much cake (it's a shame the cake is a lie; she's actually pregnant).

"Every military and militia unit has been activated and is being deployed to counter the invasion, and our forces in Coltistan are being pulled back to help strengthen our forces. The Royal Guard is also ditching the ceremonial armor for modern weaponry and body armor, as you have already seen." the Princess of the Night responded, motioning to the ten Royal Guards in the room, all armed with HK G36C's and equipped with body armor and Kevlar helmets.

"Seems legit." Black Jesus commented, "my children, even in the face of a grave threat, I feel it is my duty to remind you that the power of Old Spice will prevail in the end. I sense a disturbance in the Spice, like there are dark forces at work behind this invasion. Make no mistake, many will die trying to defend our beautiful nation, but in the end, we shall prevail."

"Black Jesus is right," Luna stated, sneaking a wink at her lover, "there is nothing more powerful than Old Spice."

"I beg to differ."

Everyone in the room turned around to see an ominous figure disguised in a pitch black robe, just standing there with his arms crossed. The Guards in the room immediately trained their rifles on the uninvited guest.

"How dare you interrupt our meeting!" Princess Celestia bellowed at the mysterious figure, before turning to the Royal Guards, "Guards! Remove this filth!"

As the Guards cautiously began to approach the dark figure, their rifles brought to bear on him, the mysterious figure began to cackle evilly. He opened up his robe and pulled a metal hilt of some kind, similar to Black Jesus's energy sword. With the press of a button, a red rod (giggity) shot out of it. The robed figure swung the rod at the closest Guard, slicing him in half like butter.

"Open fire!" one of the Guards shouted.

"No, don't!" Black Jesus exclaimed. But it was too late, as the Guards began to unload on the lone robed figure. However, the bullets were stopped but an unseen force, and were sent flying back in the direction of the Guards seconds later, ripping them apart.

Black Jesus stood up and looked at the bloody remains of the Guards who were just seconds ago trying to protect him and the two princesses. Deep down in himself, the black son of God felt an intense anger burning inside of him. An unparalleled anger. And a thirst for blood.

"YOU FUCKER!" Black Jesus screeched, before he was surrounded by a yellow flash, blinding everyone in the room. Seconds later, when everyone regained their vision, they noticed that Black Jesus had just transformed into Super Saiyan Black Jesus.

"Impossible!" the robed figure exclaimed, swinging his red laser sword- you know what? Fuck it, we all know what it is. Anyways... the robed figure charged at Black Jesus, swinging his red lightsabre wildly at Saiyan Jesus, but the blows just bounced off of Saiyan Jesus, not even effecting him at all.

"And this isn't even my final form." Saiyan Jesus commented, before picking him up and tossing him out the window.

"Why don't you take a seat right over there, Spiderman?" Chris Hansen asked. 60's Era Spiderman honestly didn't give a fuck about Chris Hansen, but his words were hyponotic, causing the spider superhero to get up from his seated position and sit in the seat that Chris was motioning to.

"What are you doing here?" Chris Hansen inquired.

"What the fuck does it look like?" Spiderman asked, "Fuck you Hansen, I'm trying to enjoy myself!"

"Do you know how old she is?" Chris Hansen asked, pointing at Princess Lulu, the only living organism Spiderman gave a fuck for.

"I didn't ask out of respect." Spiderman responded. These words obviously shocked anyone who heard these words, except for Chris Hansen, because, you know, he's Chris Hansen.

"Oh really? The chat logs say otherwise." Chris Hansen stated.

Spooderman - dam u str8 babigurl how yung r u

DarkPrincess - Spiderman, I'm about to slap you with a dictionary.

Spooderman - cum on babi datl turn me on

DarkPrincess - What the hell, Peter?!

Spooderman - dam babi u hard

DarkPrincess - How drunk are you, Spiderman?

Spooderman - soooooooooo drunk wana cum over n join me babi

DarkPrincess - Why the fuck not?

"How the hell did you get that?" Princess Lulu asked, obviously rather pissed off.

"I don't always sell my friends information, but when I do, I sell it to random people on the internet." The Most Interesting Man in the World stated. Princess Lulu shot a glare his way, but The Most Interesting Man in the World merely shrugged.

"Fuck you." 60's Era Spiderman stated, glaring at The Most Interesting Man in the World.

"I'm sorry Spiderman, but for once, I'm not here for Dateline NBC." Chris Hansen stated, pulling a glock out of his jacket, "I'm here to kill you. In the name of Axe body spray."

"NO! DON'T DO IT CHRIS! DON'T BE THE BAD GUY!" Twilight and the rest of the internet begged.'

"I have my loyalties, purple talking unicorn (and internet users), and I am certainly not loyal to you." Chris Hansen stated, before putting his glock's barrel up against Spiderman's head.

"What? None of you are going to do anything?" Spiderman asked, "you're just going to stand there and watch me get killed? Fuck you guys."

"Any last words, Spiderman?" Chris Hansen asked.

"Yeah... first off... fuck you, Chris Hansen. Second, I don't give a fuck about you, Chris Hansen. And third, I didn't know she wasn't eighteen lol." Spiderman stated.

"Fair enough. Good bye, Spidey." Chris Hansen stated, as he started to put more pressure on the trigger. However, at the last second, there was a bright flash.

When everyone regained their vision, everyone noticed a few new arrivals in the room. In the middle of the room stood Pinkie Pie and two American soldiers, all three armed with assault rifles. And they were trained on the infamous host of Dateline NBC.

"You pull that trigger, and I'll blow your brains out." the soldier with a patch exactly like the patches Rambo Jesus wears on his uniform.

"Yeah, mother fucker." the other soldier stated.

"Yay! Blood and guts and explosions! Hey, you guys wanna go snort some crack after this?" Pinkie Pie asked.