The Wizard of Whitetail Woods
Chapter 4
Admiral Biscuit

In due time, the two adventurers were captured by a Dauw tribe and led back into the forest proper, where they were unceremoniously thrown in a cell, guarded by two intimidating zebra stallions armed with spears which dripped with poison.

Her saddlebags had been confiscated, and so had the Wizard’s hat. The zebras had considered taking his robe, too, but after removing it, they’d averted their eyes and hoofed it back to him. Thank the stars for small favors.

“I’ve got a plan,” the Wizard confided. “I’ve been thinking this through, and as long as I can get hard and stay hard, we’ll bust right out of here.”

“If.” She glared at him. “Why couldn’t you have finger-banged a unicorn? Then you could use magic whenever you wanted.”

“I wasn’t thinking about that at the time.”

“You should have.” She sighed and pulled the ball of clay out of its hiding spot.

“What’s that? Is that a butt plug? If you’d shown that off earlier, it would have helped.”

KitKat stomped her hoof. “It’s not a butt plug!”

“Well, it was in your butt, so—”

“It was not in my butt, I kept it under my dock.”

The Wizard crossed his arms. “That’s the same thing.”

“It isn’t at all the same, mister ‘I fucked a unicorn but I was drunk and didn’t know she was a unicorn.’ I wouldn’t expect you to know the difference. You just focus on your spells and let me worry about this.”

“Fine.”

KitKat turned and gently broke the clay open, revealing a chewed-up leaf and pair of small green fruitworms.

She let them roam around the cage, only corralling them when they got too close to the bars—to freedom. And she waited. There was plenty of time to wait; giant soup pots took a while to warm up, and she knew that the Dauw weren’t particularly cannibalistic. They’d probably snack on the Wizard if they were feeling peckish, but it would take a while for the chief to decide if a pony—even one named after a delicious chocolate-covered wafer—was okay to eat.

🚀

It was nearly sunset, and the drums had resumed, calling the roving patrols in for dinner. Two of the Dauw shamans had briefly entered the cage and licked the Wizard, undoubtedly in order to determine how best to season him.

KitKat’s green fruitworms were hungry and tired. She’d fed them a bit of a leaf that was in their cell, but it wasn’t much, and she could faintly hear them crying out in distress. She felt bad for what she hoped was about to happen to them, but it was better them than her and the Wizard.

A shadow-shape at the corner of the cage caught her attention, a predator attracted by the sounds of easy prey. She waited, the only movement her tail flicking eagerly against the packed dirt of their cell. And then it moved, snatching one of the fruitworms in its jaws, and she pounced, pinning it to the ground.

“Hey, Wizard, you ever had a Brazilian?”

“Huh?”

Before he could react, KitKat shoved the Brazilian Wandering Spider under his robes. That was no easy feat; the spider was about the size of a lobster and rather angry about the circumstances it found itself in. It tried to bite KitKat’s hoof several times before settling on a softer, fleshier target for its displeasure.

“What the fuck? What the FUCK!”

The Wizard’s frantic running dance could have carried him all the way out of the camp and to safety if the bars hadn’t been confining him. Instead, he caromed around the cell, desperately trying to brush the enormous spider off before it could do any more damage.

The guards simply watched wide-eyed as their eventual dinner disrobed at a full run, bounced harmlessly off the bars of the cell, and in general made a spectacle of himself. They thought that he’d come to accept his fate, peeled himself, and was now tenderizing himself.

[For its part, once the spider finally vacated the vicinity of the Wizard’s little wizard, it scampered back off into the darkness, neither knowing nor caring the role it had already served.]

“What the fuck were you thinking?” the Wizard hissed.

“Just look.” KitKat pointed to his crotch.

Of its own bidding, the Wizard’s staff was going erect. And it wasn’t going to go down anytime soon, the spider’s venom ensured that.

“We’ll fight about the spider later,” she said. “Right now, use your damned fun truncheon for something useful.”

“Right.”

He didn’t even have to pull open his robe, mostly since he’d already taken it off, but if even he hadn’t, his tallywhacker would have poked its head out just fine. It was as hard as it had ever been, thanks to phoneutria nigriventer-induced priapism.

She bucked down the door—something she could have done easily hours ago—and the two of them burst forth, much to the surprise of the two zebra guards.

The Wizard was unencumbered by his robe, and she didn’t have her saddlebags any more. Even at a run, without the robe’s confines his aim was far better, and the zebras dropped like flies.

They took a brief detour into the shaman’s hut, long enough to grab her saddlebags, and the a longer detour back to the cage so that the Wizard could reclaim his robe.

Everything went along swimmingly until they got to the bank of the river. The Wizard was in the lead, intent on stealing canoes, oblivious to the fact that they hadn’t seen any canoes yet and there was no reason to believe that the Zebras had them, with the exception of the Wizard’s faith that they would.

A few thrown spears thudded down around them, and the Wizard turned and clutched his pocket rocket tightly. “Protozoan Totum!”

A burst of magic burst forth, leveling the entire dazzle of zebras. It was followed almost immediately after by a rope of cum. That only went far enough to give KitKat an entirely unwanted facial.

“Are you fucking kidding me, dude? Learn to aim that thing.” She grabbed his robe out of his hand and began to wipe her face off with it.

“Hey—that’s my robe!”

“And now it’s got your baby batter on it.” She tossed it back. “I don’t even know why I’m still travelling with you.”

“Now’s really not the time for this discussion.” A couple more spears dropped down around them.

“Good point. Let’s go south.”

“Why south?”

“Equestria’s round, so that’s downhill.”

“It doesn’t work like that.”

“Says Mister magic milk-bone. I’m going south, ‘cause I’ve been looking at the map and there’s a Mareiott hotel with hot showers about twenty miles that way. II’m tired of roaming through the untamed jungles without so much as a hot bath to show for it.”

“We’ve got to go north to get to the treasure,” he protested.

“We can try again tomorrow, after a nice shower and the antidote.”

“Antidote?”

“Yeah, you’re gonna want to have a doctor take care of your custard gun before the spider venom does permanent damage.”

Author's Note

Happy April Fool’s Day, y’all!

If there’s enough demand, I’ll publish a blog post.