The Wizard of Whitetail Woods

by Admiral Biscuit

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Comedy, Profanity, Random, Adventure, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character
Length: 4301

Only the boldest adventurers explore the wild areas of Equestria. Or the dumbest . . . KitKat and the Wizard fall into the latter category.

He’s a human Wizard, who got the knack for magic in a very unconventional way and has enough delusions of grandeur to call himself The Wizard of Whitetail Woods.

KitKat’s an ordinary mare who’s interested in humanish things.

The two of them met in a bar, and after agreeing to be his travelling companion and signing a non-disclosure agreement, the two of them went off into the untamed wilderness of Equestria in search of treasure.

Published 2019-04-01 04:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-04-01 04:20:02 UTC

Chapter 1

The Wizard of Whitetail Woods
Chapter 1
Admiral Biscuit

He was tall and gangly and had a scruffy beard which would never be anything other than messy, although it aspired to. His eyes had the somewhat crazed look that all Wizard’s eyes did, and in lieu of a pointed Wizard’s hat, he wore a small traffic cone.

Painted blue, so it would at least sort of match the bathrobe he wore. Proper Wizards robes were hard to come by in Equestria.

Standing faithfully beside him was his travelling companion. She was the size of a mastiff, give or take, except that she wasn’t a dog.

Her name was KitKat, and she was a pony.

She counted herself lucky that she’d been born second; her older sister was named Mr. Goodbar. Her parents held a fascination with all things Earth, especially candy, and that love had been bestowed on her as well, so when the opportunity arose to travel with an actual human Wizard who was on a quest, she offered to come along. Quests were fun, and all sorts of quest-related expenses could be written off on her taxes—she’d learned that from A. K. Yearling.

She counted herself lucky that there were only two timberwolves currently facing them.

The Wizard tugged at his robe and pulled out his wand with a flourish. He brandished it at the pair of timberwolves, who stepped back in confusion. This was something they’d never seen before.

For just a moment, KitKat thought that they might run off. There were only two of them, after all, and they were facing a powerful Wizard and a pony. Then her ear turned at the cracking of a branch behind her, and she realized too late that they’d walked right into a trap.

Again.

Avacado Cadaver Expellyranus! The two timberwolves vanished in a flash of blue light, banished by the Wizard.

Meanwhile, KitKat dug her forehooves in the loamy soil and kicked back at the timberwolf behind her, breaking its stupid face into hundreds of smaller sticks, and then started galloping away before it could regroup. “Run! There’s more of them back there!”

“I can take them!” The Wizard turned, wand still firmly in his grasp. “Where are they?”

She skidded to a stop. “Three more, at least. That one back there that I got, he’s down for the count but he’ll be up again. And I heard Jesus there’s one right behind you!!”

Said timberwolf was already mid-flight when the Wizard’s spell caught it and burst it apart. KitKat didn’t watch the destruction; she attuned her ears for the slightest noise, the sound of branches that weren’t really branches moving through the trees.

“Over there, I think?” She pointed at an inoffensive cluster of shrubs, and the Wizard disposed of them with great prejudice.

“No green flash,” he mused. “So I probably missed. Keep your ears turning, I’ll finish off that one you bucked.”

“Got it.”

The final timberwolf was smart. He wasn’t wise; if he’d been wise, he would have left after four of his companions were ruthlessly dispatched. But he was smart enough to wait until neither of them were paying attention to him before pouncing on KitKat’s back, nearly tearing her saddlebags off—saddlebags which contained the Wizard’s priceless spellbooks.

She ducked her head down in the mud so he wouldn’t be able to get a grip at her neck and twisted to her side, trying to shake him off.

He clamped his jaws around her shoulder and she rolled over on top of him, crushing him into the mud briefly, before tearing herself loose of his slavering jaws.

Before the timberwolf had a chance to get back to his feet, she punted his head clean off, then proceeded to stomp what was left of him into splinters.

When the Wizard walked over, KitKat was still desecrating what was left of the timberwolf’s corpse. “You okay?”

She glared at him. “How come you didn’t get this one off my back?”

“I was spent.”

That was indeed the case, as she could see with her own eyes.

As he tucked his wand back into his robe, he looked at her bloodied shoulder. “Once I rest up a bit, I can heal that for you.”

“Nothing personal, but no thanks. I can let it heal the normal way.” She reached back into her saddlebags for their map. “Now, let’s see, where were we?

Chapter 2

The Wizard of Whitetail Woods
Chapter 2
Admiral Biscuit

Their story started in a pub, because stories like these always start in a pub.

The pub was called The Wurstbraterei. Its name had been shortened in deference to local regulations regarding the dimensions of pub signs and an extremely poor choice of font size. It had been that way for so long that nopony knew what its name was actually supposed to be. Most ponies just called it the Worst Bar.

KitKat spotted him the moment she walked into the pub. He wasn’t easy to miss; he stood a full head and neck above all the ponies, a height difference which was further accentuated by his pointy hat.

Naturally, she was curious, and after she’d bought him a firkin of beer, he opened up to her, explaining how he’d gained his Wizarding powers and how he was looking for a travelling companion on his quest to—

Well, he couldn’t reveal that yet, certainly not before she’d agreed to accompany him for a share of the treasure and also signed a NDA.

He had maps and spellbooks and was dressed like she assumed human Wizards ought to be, although in truth she’d never seen one before.

There was just one problem with his story.

“I thought humans didn’t have magic,” she said skeptically.

“Oh, I didn’t get it until I got to Equestria,” he explained. “At least, I think that’s when I got my powers.”

Her ears perked. “Did you make a new friend? Is that how it happened?”

“Well, sort of.”

She eagerly waited for an explanation to be forthcoming, and he finally leaned down and provided one. “I . . . I fucked a unicorn.”

KitKat frowned. She’d never done that, but lots of ponies had, and she’d never heard of new magical powers coming about as a result of rolling in the hay with a unicorn.

Still, humans were different.

He misunderstood her silence for disgust at the notion of interspecies relationships, and added: “I didn’t know it was a unicorn.”

She blinked. “What, was she wearing a bag over her head?”

“I’d been drinking, you see.”

KitKat did see. The Wizard was quite adept at drinking, which was something she assumed Wizards must be good at. She’d also heard that they liked smoking pipes with long stems, although she hadn’t seen him produce a pipe just yet. Maybe that happened after the drinking, or it could have been only for use when perusing complicated spells.

She still wasn’t convinced he wasn’t trying to con her somehow. “I want to see some magic before I say yes and before I sign your Endeeeh.”

“Well, the problem with that is most of my spells are offensive, and I really don’t want to be kicked out of this bar, too.”

“That’s what they all say.” She pushed her chair slightly back from the bar. “And I’m gonna take the rest of that firkin with me. I paid for it, after all.”

“Wait!” There was a hint of desperation in his voice. “I—I just thought of one. Hold on a second, let me check my pockets.” He reached down into his shabby robe and rummaged around for a moment. “Um, you wouldn’t happen to have a bit coin, would you?”

She nodded, grabbed one out of her saddlebags and set it on the bartop. “If you make it disappear, so help me, I’ll buck you into next week.”

“I’m not going to steal it. It’s going to disappear for a moment, but then it’ll reappear, completely unchanged.”

That got her interest. Bit coins were enchanted so unicorns couldn’t do funny stuff with them, and if he could somehow break that enchantment, he really was a powerful Wizard.

“Watch closely.” He put his hand over the coin, and then lifted it up to show that it was still there. “On the count of three: one, two, three!” The Wizard slapped his palm against the bartop hard enough to rattle the glasses, and when he lifted his palm, the coin was gone!

And then he pulled his other hand out from under the bar, and it was there, in all its golden glory, seemingly unharmed from its trip through the teak.

KitKat believed him utterly, even though that bit of sleight-of-hand is so old, it can hardly fool a baby. She stuck her nose in his hand just to make sure that the coin still felt the same, that it wasn’t an illusion, and it wasn’t. In fact, to her eyes the coin had been improved on its journey; a scratch in the obverse that she clearly remembered having been there was now gone.

It wasn’t until after she’d signed his NDA, agreed to be a packpony on his epic quest, and accompanied him into the wilds of Equestria that the bloom finally fell off the rose. More specifically, it happened the first time he used his offensive magic.

It wasn’t worth bringing up in the moment; they were working their way through a cloud of angry Twittermites, and his spells were effective, but she held his technique in her mind. It was something to bring up once they’d finally reached a safe spot to set up camp.

🚀

“You are absolutely without question the worst Wizard I know.”

“How many Wizards do you know?”

“Just you.”

“Doesn’t that also make me, by default, the best Wizard that you know?”

“No.” She dug the frying pan out of her saddlebags. It was heavy cast iron, perfect for cooking or whanging enemies upside the head, and in some cases—if said enemies were carniverous plants—cooking said enemies in the same pan afterwards. “You . . . you cast spells with your dick.

“I told you I fucked a unicorn. And I obviously don’t have a horn. You should have made the connection.”

“Calling it your ‘magic wand’ was presumptive, don’t you think?”

“I really don’t see why.” He rubbed at his crotch. “Give me a second to get it hard, and I’ll get the fire going.”

KitKat gave him a flat look and dragged her shod hoof across the rocks, sending a shower of sparks into the tinder.

“Okay, fine, be that way.”

“All your spellbooks are skin magazines, not ‘illuminated manuscripts.’”

“You ponies don’t have PornHub, what else am I gonna use?”

“If you had a proper jizzlestick, it might not bother me seeing you wave it around so much. I’ll confess that I sometimes look longer than I should at a stallion who’s dropped—”

“TMI, KitKat.”

“—any mare would, but you’re got an ugly pink mushroom thing and I guess maybe some ponies would think it was kind of cute in a really weird way, but—”

“Okay, now you’re just being unnecessarily cruel.” He crouched down by the fire, which unfortunately revealed his ‘magic wand’ in what little glory it actually possessed. “That’s just how it is for human Wizards.”

“Oh, really?”

He nodded.

“When we get back to civilization, I’m going to be picturing every unicorn as having a love cucumber on her head. You know that, don’t you? I’m so glad I’m not a unicorn, I’d hate to look myself in the mirror.”

“I can’t help how the magic worked. Look, I know enough about ponies to know that you do your little life quest and then you suddenly get a picture on your butt—”

“My flank, thank you very much.”

“—and so why not get a magic willy after sticking it in a unicorn? Huh? What’s so weird about that?”

KitKat rolled her eyes. “I can’t believe you have to ask what’s so weird about that.”

“You ever hooked up with a unicorn?”

“Not that it’s any of your business, but no.”

“You should try it. You might get a magical—well, let’s see, you could put stuff up there.”

“Don’t you dare.”

The Wizard giggled. “You’d have a vag of holding!”

Chapter 3

The Wizard of Whitetail Woods
Chapter 3
Admiral Biscuit

KitKat’s ears perked at the distant hoppity-boppity sounds. “Um, Wizard?”

He was lost in concentration, studying the map. “What?”

“Jackalopes incoming. Vampiric ones, by the sounds of it.”

“Shit.” He tossed the map back to her. “I know a spell that’ll get rid of them, but I’m just not feeling it.” He tugged open his robe revealing his flaccid penis.

“Ugh.” KitKat lifted her tail. “Is this helping?”

“Maybe if you do that thing, you know, where you sort of make your clit flash at me, what’s it you ponies call that?”

“This is so degrading.”

“You could act like you were at least a little interested, you know?”

“Well, I’m not. I’m only doing this for you because our lives are on the line here.”

“It’d be easier if you had tits to jiggle around, you know.”

A thunder of vampiric jackalopes burst into the little clearing, their cute little eyes and fluffy tails belieing their murderous intent.

“Nevermind that—run!” She didn’t wait to see if he was coming; she took off at full gallop, five of the little bastards in hot pursuit.

The Wizard followed suit, awkwardly running with his robes pulled up and his half-erect trouser snake flopping around.

“Every proper unicorn I know can cast spells on the fly.”

“This isn’t as easy as it looks.” The Wizard did his best to stroke his member while at a full run. “When we get past this, I’ll put a spell on you to make your boobs bigger.”

“The hell you will.” She jumped over a fallen log and skidded to a stop as the Wizard caught up. Expertly eying the downed tree, she lined up a dry branch with her hoof and bucked it back into the path of one of the oncoming jackalopes. He somehow managed to get it caught between his antlers and forepaws and tumbled ass-over-teakettle to the ground.

The Wizard had gotten a bit of a lead, and she galloped back up to him. “You give me cow udders, and I will end you.”

“Haven’t you ever wanted bigger knockers?”

“No! I don’t even know how stallions can deal with galloping with their balls swinging around. It’s uncomfortable to watch. Right there—see that little recess in the rocks?”

“Yeah.”

“We’ve got a bit of a lead, and it’s defensible.” The two of them changed course, and ducked between the pillars of stone. “We’ll have a moment to prepare.”

The Wizard was gasping for breath, and KitKat was winded, too. “Get me the November 2009 spellbook.”

“November 2009 . . . it would be easier to find if I could read humanish.”

He had his eyes half-closed as he stroked his beanpole. “Purple cover.”

“Thiff vun?” She held up the magazine in her mouth.

“Yeah.” He grabbed it from her and started flipping through the pages.

“That’s not even a real person.”

“Ssh, let the magic do its work.”

He boldly stepped up and surveyed the husk of hares that regarded the two of them. “Sextumsempra.”

KitKat’s nostrils flared. The jackalopes just watched, and then they turned as one and vanished back into the woods from whence they came.

“See, that was easy. I could—what are you looking at?”

“A Chu—Chu—Chupacabra.” She pointed up, where the salivating beast was regarding them, deciding whether they were kibbles or bits.

🚀

And thus the chase was reversed. The Jackalopes held the lead, with KitKat and the Wizard of Whitetail Woods close behind. The Chupacabra brought up the rear.

Thus far, the only casualty of battle had been the November 2009 Playboy, featuring Marge Simpson, but if the two of them didn’t pick up their pace, that was going to change.

“Left!” KitKat didn’t bother to see if the Wizard was listening; she darted off between a pair of overhanging trees. There was a river down there, and if her memory was correct, Chupacabras couldn’t swim.

She wasn’t sure if humans could, either, something she briefly reflected upon as she gallop-skidded down the slope.

KitKat needn’t have worried. The Wizard performed a graceful swan-dive off a rock and while his swimming technique looked to her eyes a lot more like pointless flailing, he was in fact making steady progress across the river.

I hope there aren’t crocodiles. If there were, they’d go for him first, and it wasn’t like she had a better option.

🚀

There were no crocodiles, and the two of them waded up on the opposite shore, soaked but safe.

“I don’t like the looks of this.”

“Why?” The Wizard looked around. “That Chupacabra isn’t following us any more.” Indeed, it was standing at the bank of the river, watching its escaped prey longingly.

“Because I don’t hear drums.”

“What’s that got to do with—oh.” He nodded wisely. “I’ve seen enough jungle movies to know what happens next. The natives come out of the forest with spears and poison arrows and they capture us and take us back to their village, and they toss us in some kind of a prison and then I use my magic to escape—bringing you with me of course. Then we’ll steal their canoes and make our getaway down the river, escaping crocodiles and dangerous rapids all the while. . . .”

KitKat ignored him and his seemingly-unending monologue. Her faith in his magical abilities was diminishing by the moment, so she searched the ground for anything that might help after their inevitable capture.

There were plenty of plants which showed promise, if only she’d had a cauldron to reduce them in. Stinging nettle could be braided into a serviceable rope, but there wasn’t enough to make more than a few inches worth.

She finally found what she was looking for, wrapped them carefully in a leaf, and balled it up inside a bit of clay—not ideal, but it would keep for the near future.

During her search, the natives had indeed arrived. The Wizard, she judged, was mounting a spirited defense, but with only a chubb to work with, the range and effect of his magic was currently considerably limited.

Chapter 4

The Wizard of Whitetail Woods
Chapter 4
Admiral Biscuit

In due time, the two adventurers were captured by a Dauw tribe and led back into the forest proper, where they were unceremoniously thrown in a cell, guarded by two intimidating zebra stallions armed with spears which dripped with poison.

Her saddlebags had been confiscated, and so had the Wizard’s hat. The zebras had considered taking his robe, too, but after removing it, they’d averted their eyes and hoofed it back to him. Thank the stars for small favors.

“I’ve got a plan,” the Wizard confided. “I’ve been thinking this through, and as long as I can get hard and stay hard, we’ll bust right out of here.”

“If.” She glared at him. “Why couldn’t you have finger-banged a unicorn? Then you could use magic whenever you wanted.”

“I wasn’t thinking about that at the time.”

“You should have.” She sighed and pulled the ball of clay out of its hiding spot.

“What’s that? Is that a butt plug? If you’d shown that off earlier, it would have helped.”

KitKat stomped her hoof. “It’s not a butt plug!”

“Well, it was in your butt, so—”

“It was not in my butt, I kept it under my dock.”

The Wizard crossed his arms. “That’s the same thing.”

“It isn’t at all the same, mister ‘I fucked a unicorn but I was drunk and didn’t know she was a unicorn.’ I wouldn’t expect you to know the difference. You just focus on your spells and let me worry about this.”

“Fine.”

KitKat turned and gently broke the clay open, revealing a chewed-up leaf and pair of small green fruitworms.

She let them roam around the cage, only corralling them when they got too close to the bars—to freedom. And she waited. There was plenty of time to wait; giant soup pots took a while to warm up, and she knew that the Dauw weren’t particularly cannibalistic. They’d probably snack on the Wizard if they were feeling peckish, but it would take a while for the chief to decide if a pony—even one named after a delicious chocolate-covered wafer—was okay to eat.

🚀

It was nearly sunset, and the drums had resumed, calling the roving patrols in for dinner. Two of the Dauw shamans had briefly entered the cage and licked the Wizard, undoubtedly in order to determine how best to season him.

KitKat’s green fruitworms were hungry and tired. She’d fed them a bit of a leaf that was in their cell, but it wasn’t much, and she could faintly hear them crying out in distress. She felt bad for what she hoped was about to happen to them, but it was better them than her and the Wizard.

A shadow-shape at the corner of the cage caught her attention, a predator attracted by the sounds of easy prey. She waited, the only movement her tail flicking eagerly against the packed dirt of their cell. And then it moved, snatching one of the fruitworms in its jaws, and she pounced, pinning it to the ground.

“Hey, Wizard, you ever had a Brazilian?”

“Huh?”

Before he could react, KitKat shoved the Brazilian Wandering Spider under his robes. That was no easy feat; the spider was about the size of a lobster and rather angry about the circumstances it found itself in. It tried to bite KitKat’s hoof several times before settling on a softer, fleshier target for its displeasure.

“What the fuck? What the FUCK!”

The Wizard’s frantic running dance could have carried him all the way out of the camp and to safety if the bars hadn’t been confining him. Instead, he caromed around the cell, desperately trying to brush the enormous spider off before it could do any more damage.

The guards simply watched wide-eyed as their eventual dinner disrobed at a full run, bounced harmlessly off the bars of the cell, and in general made a spectacle of himself. They thought that he’d come to accept his fate, peeled himself, and was now tenderizing himself.

[For its part, once the spider finally vacated the vicinity of the Wizard’s little wizard, it scampered back off into the darkness, neither knowing nor caring the role it had already served.]

“What the fuck were you thinking?” the Wizard hissed.

“Just look.” KitKat pointed to his crotch.

Of its own bidding, the Wizard’s staff was going erect. And it wasn’t going to go down anytime soon, the spider’s venom ensured that.

“We’ll fight about the spider later,” she said. “Right now, use your damned fun truncheon for something useful.”

“Right.”

He didn’t even have to pull open his robe, mostly since he’d already taken it off, but if even he hadn’t, his tallywhacker would have poked its head out just fine. It was as hard as it had ever been, thanks to phoneutria nigriventer-induced priapism.

She bucked down the door—something she could have done easily hours ago—and the two of them burst forth, much to the surprise of the two zebra guards.

The Wizard was unencumbered by his robe, and she didn’t have her saddlebags any more. Even at a run, without the robe’s confines his aim was far better, and the zebras dropped like flies.

They took a brief detour into the shaman’s hut, long enough to grab her saddlebags, and the a longer detour back to the cage so that the Wizard could reclaim his robe.

Everything went along swimmingly until they got to the bank of the river. The Wizard was in the lead, intent on stealing canoes, oblivious to the fact that they hadn’t seen any canoes yet and there was no reason to believe that the Zebras had them, with the exception of the Wizard’s faith that they would.

A few thrown spears thudded down around them, and the Wizard turned and clutched his pocket rocket tightly. “Protozoan Totum!”

A burst of magic burst forth, leveling the entire dazzle of zebras. It was followed almost immediately after by a rope of cum. That only went far enough to give KitKat an entirely unwanted facial.

“Are you fucking kidding me, dude? Learn to aim that thing.” She grabbed his robe out of his hand and began to wipe her face off with it.

“Hey—that’s my robe!”

“And now it’s got your baby batter on it.” She tossed it back. “I don’t even know why I’m still travelling with you.”

“Now’s really not the time for this discussion.” A couple more spears dropped down around them.

“Good point. Let’s go south.”

“Why south?”

“Equestria’s round, so that’s downhill.”

“It doesn’t work like that.”

“Says Mister magic milk-bone. I’m going south, ‘cause I’ve been looking at the map and there’s a Mareiott hotel with hot showers about twenty miles that way. II’m tired of roaming through the untamed jungles without so much as a hot bath to show for it.”

“We’ve got to go north to get to the treasure,” he protested.

“We can try again tomorrow, after a nice shower and the antidote.”

“Antidote?”

“Yeah, you’re gonna want to have a doctor take care of your custard gun before the spider venom does permanent damage.”

Author's Note

Happy April Fool’s Day, y’all!

If there’s enough demand, I’ll publish a blog post.