Guns With Legs

by Vertigo22

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 2376

A young Twilight Sparkle gives sentience in the best-worst way possible.

Twilight Sparkle was never one to settle for anything less than the best. So when an assignment called for her to give life to an inanimate object, it was only natural she would do so in the best-worst way possible.

A crossover with Borderlands.

Published 2019-04-01 18:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-04-01 18:00:01 UTC

We Got You, Boo

Pew pew pew.

It hadn't been daytime for more than half an hour and already Princess Celestia yearned for the silence of the night.

“Celestia, help!”

And perhaps a time machine so she could reside inside the Moon.

From the dining room table, Celestia stared at her gifted, and at times most prized, student: Twilight Sparkle. “Now Twilight,” she began, taking another sip of her coffee. “Please explain to me why you felt the need to turn half the school and my castle into a connect the dots puzzle.”

“I swear I didn't mean to!” Twilight Sparkle galloped around as a rhythmic tapping and capping followed her, several holes being formed on the wall with each cap that followed a tap.

“That's what you said when you gave sapience to the doll I bought you,” Celestia replied. “Then you kept telling me that Annabelle wanted to consume both of our souls.”

Twilight stopped and looked at Celestia. “But she di—” A bullet whizzed by her muzzle, causing Twilight let out a squeak and rush past the princess of the sun; their facial expressions providing the starkest of contrasts in Equestria. “She did!”

Yeah, I'm sure she also told you to turn a fork into a… Celestia narrowed her eyes and stared intently at the legged gun. Tediore… Submachine Gun? She tilted her head. “Twilight, where in the world did you find the design for this thing?”

“I made it myself!” Twilight shouted back, her flank getting flanked by the Tediore firearm.

“Did you have any sort of inspiration?” Celestia inquired, taking a bit of sinful delight in the actions of the sentient karma dispensing gun.

Twilight ducked beneath the table, her head poking out as she looked up at Celestia. “Not unless you believe Annabelle told me to make it!”

“I don't,” Celestia replied. “I’ve told you before: I gave it to those museum owners.”

“Darn. I forgo—” Twilight shrieked as she felt a metal foot tap her flank. She flipped over and crawled back as the leggy firearm fired upwards in a display that resembled uproarious laughter.

“Oh, Twilight.” Celestia chuckled and grabbed the firearm, which shook its legs wildly as it came barrel-to-face with the almighty Princess of the Sun. With a smirk, she threw it at the wall where it exploded upon contact. “See? Nothing to wor—”

The firearm manifested back into Celestia’s hooves, climbing out of them and rushing across the table like a bat out of Tartarus station.

Twilight let out another squeak as the gun turned around, its barrel aimed directly at her. Swiftly she behind Celestia’s chair. “Princess, don’t let it see me,” she whimpered. “He reminds me of the spider that was on my ceiling yesterday.”

“Calm d—”

A bullet flew through Celestia’s hair, taking with it a fair bit of her majestic, flowing mane and crown as a souvenir.

Celestia narrowed her eyes. She adjusted her crown. She channeled within her the same power the conductor of the poop train wields. Standing up, she exposed the still-cowering Twilight Sparkle that hid behind her.

Zap!

A beam of magic flew towards the gun, but missed as the nimble, quick-to-reload Tediore firearm ducked out of the way, its wooden body proving once again that no other manufacturer is as quick—both as a reloadable lead dispenser and as a gymnast—than Tediore. With its barrel aimed at Celestia, a rapid succession of bullets flew towards the princess, but all missed thanks to a bad combination of parts.

Indeed, the lack of Hyperion firearm components had messed up this particular Tediore gun’s day, for it now stared down the barrel of a completely different gun.

Or rather, just the muzzle of one very angry, now partially bald, princess.

Zap!

A pile of twist metal lay where a promising Olympic gymnast stacked 4 inches tall once stood proud. With a content sigh, Celestia turned to Twilight and motioned for her to come over.

“I-is it gone?” Twilight asked, her legs shaking as she cautiously trotted over.

Celestia merely nodded, wrapping a wing around Twilight. “You have nothing to worry about.”

“You promise?”

“I give you my word.” Celestia wrapped her other wing around Twilight.

Twilight responded in kind with her hooves; wrapping them around Celestia. After a few seconds however, she broke the hug and looked up at her teacher. “Princess,” she asked, “why did you let the gun chase me?”

“As my father used to tell me: it’s best to learn why doing something is a bad idea by letting it sink in,” Celestia replied. “Or, in other words: I figured it’d be best for you to learn why making something like that was a bad idea by letting it chase you.”

Twilight frowned. “But what if I got hurt?”

“I’d never let you get hurt, silly.” Celestia nuzzled Twilight. “I know you can watch out for yourself when it comes to your magical mishaps. I remember when you faced off against Annabelle and turned her into a gecko.”

Twilight giggled. “Yeah, that was cool.” She glanced up at Celestia. “Could you maybe bring me back to my bedroom though?”

“Alright.” Celestia sighed and gave a warm, motherly smile. “I got you, boo.” She levitated Twilight up and placed her onto her back.

Twilight wrapped her legs around Celestia. “Thankies.”

“It's not a problem,” Celestia replied as she exited the dining room. “I just ask you not to make such destructive creations. You know better than anypony else how terrible the repercussions can be if one of the guards were to get hurt, no?”

“I do,” Twilight replied as her bedroom came into view up ahead.

“Then you must be extra careful when both transforming something and giving it life,” Celestia said. “This is why I only tasked you with giving something sentience.”

“I understand.” Twilight slid off of Celestia's back as the two arrived at her bedroom. “I just wanted to impress you with my magic skills!”

Celestia sat down next to Twilight “But you already have,” she said. “That is why you're in this school.”

“Yeah, but…” Twilight frowned. “I wanted to make something extra cool! Like Starswirl the Bearded!”

“I don't believe that Starswirl would've quite approved or liked something such as a walking firearm,” Celestia said. “You should think of something giving sentience to something less... destructive.”

“Like what?”

“Well, let's look in your bedroom.” Celestia stood up and opened the door. Books were scattered across the floor, bed, and just about any other surface one could imagine.

Even the inside of the opened refrigerator.

Celestia's inner neat-freak cried out in unfathomable anguish as she took in the sight that she beheld. Swallowing the urge to run screaming into the night that she still yearned for, she entered the bedroom and scanned around for something—anything—that she could throw Twilight to give life to.

“Oh, oh!” Twilight threw a dictionary at Celestia. “How about that?”

Celestia levitated the book up from the sea of others books. “And exactly what would this do if you gave it life?”

Twilight bounced across several books before landing atop an atlas. “It'd help you find things to say when I blow your mind after you see that I gave it life!”

Celestia thought for a moment. “As nice as that sounds, I'd prefer you try something a little more… outside your comfort zone.”

“Aw.” Twilight pouted. “Then what about…” She glanced around before her eyes caught a glimpse of a strange object she'd never seen. Levitating several books out of the way, she brought over a dusty mop and bucket. “This… thingy, and its friend!”

Celestia nodded. “A most excellent idea.”

Twilight gleefully clapped her hooves together. “Everypony needs a friend, right? I think these two will be the best of friends! I always see them together when the cleaning ponies are working around the school.”

“Are you sure you can handle performing a sentience spell twice in such rapid succession?” Celestia asked. “It is quite draining, and you are still very young. I’ve only asked that you try this since you’ve been so insistent on trying it.”

“Oh, yes, I’m absolutely sure!” Twilight replied. “The Tea Deer Or thingy I made I actually made three times!”

Celestia’s eyes widened. “What exactly happened to the other two?”

“I sent them to this funny place I read about in a book!” Twilight levitated over a nearby atlas. “K… Kludge Town?”

Celestia motioned for the book before being given it. Skimming it, she felt her heart sink to the bottom of her very being. “You sent them to Kluge Town!?”

Twilight trotted up to Celestia’s side. “Is that a bad thing?”

“Not necessarily,” Celestia muttered beneath her breath. “But at least you didn’t send them to someplace civilized.” Casting the book aside, she turned her full attention to Twilight. “But that’s nothing you should concern yourself with. I doubt you’ll ever have to go there anyways.”

“But it sounds like a super fun place to visit!”

“It’s not,” Celestia deadpanned. “For now, I want you to make the mop and bucket the best of friends and to have them clean up the hall outside. Promise?”

“Yes, princess!” Twilight pranced around. “I promise, when you return, I'll have made the best thing you could ever imagine and dream of!”

“Good.” Celestia patted Twilight on the head. “Now promise me that you won’t do something bad. I want to know that I can trust you to perform tasks like this.”

Twilight nodded repeatedly. “I promise with all of my heart that I will do just as you ask!”

“Excellent.” Celestia nuzzled Twilight. “I’ll come back to check on you in two hours.” With a warm smile, she exited the room, hastily making her way back to the dining room.

Celestia sat in the kitchen, a cup filled with tea in front of her and an exorbitant amount of lead beneath her hooves thanks to some rather lazy sweeping. Nevertheless, she found herself lost in the magical world of bliss.

Kaboom!

Then reality knocked like an angry mother-in-law.

Not one to leave a door knocker waiting, Celestia answered and greeted reality with an eye that twitched like it was a cicada. She lowered her teacup as she heard the dining room door swing open and slam shut in the span of ‘Twilight Sparkle did something destructive’ seconds.

“O-oh, afternoon, Celestia!” a shaky voiced Twilight said. “Whatcha up to?”

Slowly, she turned around to see an ash-covered Twilight Sparkle sink down along the door.

“Twilight…”

Twilight forced a smile so convincing, it could pass as modern art. “Y-yes, Celestia?”

Celestia trotted over and glanced down. “Would you mind explaining why I just heard something reminiscent of the end of Equestria's second great war?”

“Weeeell…” Twilight giggled as the faint sound of a guitar melody filled the air. “You see, I—”

Boom!

Twilight jumped, landing flat on her stomach. She looked up at Celestia. “Heh, I… think I turned the mop into something a little bad.”

Celestia scrunched her face. “Exactly how bad?”

Twilight stood up and shuffled around, her eyes darting back and forth rapidly. “Like… a little bad?”

A guard pony burst through the door, sending Twilight rolling to the side like a soccer ball. “Princess, there’s a fifty foot tall cannon with arms and legs that keeps playing Tirek’s music! It’s destroying the entire city and worse: corrupting the foals!”

The color from Celestia’s mane drained onto her face, which then drained from her face. She grabbed Twilight with her magic and marched by the guard.

“D-did I do something bad?” Twilight asked softly.

“No, I actually like ‘Tirek’s music’,” Celestia replied. “But Canterlot isn’t fond of it because they see it as uncivilized.”

Twilight opened her mouth to speak, only to be interrupted by a massive explosion that reduced part of the castle to rubble. She looked down at Celestia, whose mane now sported a few grey strands.

“That, however, is definitely bad.” Celestia galloped by, getting a fleeting glimpse of a sizable hand that ended in five digits that resemble grenades.

All Twilight could do was hold on for dear life, watching as each subsequent explosion created five more grey strands in Celestia’s mane, and resist the urge to start headbanging as some of the sickest, most awesome guitar solos ripped through the air and infected the minds of foals everywhere with the almighty power of—

“T-Twilight!” Celestia came to a screeching halt—or at least that’s what Twilight heard; it may very well have been the rocket that read ‘Torgue’ that flew past and blew a hole in the wall adjacent to them. Once the two had stood up and cleaned themselves off of dust, they walked over to what was once her bedroom.

Glancing up, Twilight could see that Celestia’s face now as red as the funny drink she'd always seen her carry whenever she did something that fell along the lines of ‘really bad’ and ‘catastrophically horrible’. “Um… sorry?”

“I…” Celestia held back the urge to cackle like the wickedest of witches she'd heard stories of as a foal as her eyes remained fixated on the creation of her student. “When I suggested you make better use of the sentience spell, you do know what I meant, right?”

“Um…” Twilight looked at the smoldering pile of ash that was once her bedroom. “You meant something like the mop, right?”

“Precisely.” Celestia's gaze shifted back to the ashes. “So will you tell me why half of Canterlot is currently running from the rocket launcher with legs and arms?”

“Well…” A massive explosion went off in the distance. “I was going to give life to the mop, but I thought a rocket launcher would be cooler, and that it'd really impress you!”

“But I told you not to make something like the gun with legs!”

“I know, but looky!” Twilight pointed to the rocket launcher, which had climbed atop a large boutique; its hands rapidly striking the air strings of an air guitar.

Celestia's eyes nearly exploded out of their sockets from the sheer awesomeness of what exploded out from a large speaker beside it: history's best and greatest guitar solo.

SQUIBBLLYYYY MEEEEEEEOWOOWOWWWWW!

Author's Note

Buy Torgue!