Why Ponies Don't Play Golf
Some things just don't translate well
Dear Princess Celestia,
I hope this letter finds you in good health, as you always are. Herein I report how the cultural exchange with Earth has been going exceptionally well, and our two species have made some amazing progress. However, I must inform you of a slight setback in our exchanges.
It seems that not all of Earth’s recreational activities are suited for pony use. While we share many games that are similar, such as hoofball to "footbalI," and polo to their game of the same name, I am referring to the sport of “golf.”
Golf is a game where one makes use of several metal sticks called “clubs” in order to knock a small, white dimpled ball into a hole. It is not as simple as it sounds. The holes are placed many hundreds of yards away, with many obstacles such as trees, sand, and bodies of water in the way. One then makes use of the “clubs”, which all have different weights and uses, to strike the ball in such ways as to facilitate its going in one of eighteen holes. Several representatives from Equestria observed the game and thought it simple enough to import home. Therein lay the problem.
We laid out a relatively small course of six holes not far from Ponyville. The first to try it out were some unicorns. Using their magic, they were able to use Earth-type clubs in order to play the game. But for every attempt, the ball would only fly a few yards, or hardly at all. As far as I could tell, the unicorns had a problem with using the correct amount of force with the unfamiliar clubs. Perhaps with more experience, they could have become proficient, but most gave up in frustration after a few tries. Some, however, tried to surreptitiously use their magic on the ball, and facilitate its movement along with the club, but this proved futile. Few unicorns possess the skill to use their magic to manipulate both the ball and the club at the same time, and in any case, they were informed that this would be an example of cheating. No amount of explaining was sufficient for the unicorns, so as a body they stormed off, vowing never to try again.
Then the pegasi tried, with slightly greater success. Using their wings, they hovered over each shot while attempting to grip the clubs with their hooves. While enjoying slightly better success than the unicorns, they nonetheless had trouble gripping the clubs correctly, and a number of attempts had the clubs fly out of their hooves, sometimes with unfortunate results. Our esteemed Mayor Mare was one of the ponies…erm…”downrange” as it were, on one occasion. She should be recovering shortly.
Last, the Earth ponies made the attempt, captained by my friend and fellow Bearer, Applejack. Having been present at the previous attempts, I tried to give my friend pointers on how to best approach the game, but she replied, and here I directly quote, “Aint no pegasus ner unicorn can do with their hooves what an Earth pony cain’t!” So I sighed and moved to what I hoped would be a safe distance. It went as well as I expected.
With a mighty roar, Applejack balanced herself on her back hooves, gripped the club and put all her weight and strength into the first drive. She missed the ball completely, and the club sailed off into the foliage. It took some minutes to find it again. On the second attempt, she tried to put less strength and more finesse into the shot. This time, she did indeed hit the ball, but it only traveled a few yards before it landed softly, some would say mockingly, several feet from the hole she was attempting to reach. At that point, she ran up to the ball and angrily grabbed it in her mouth. I have made it a point to research if such are biodegradable, and to find out if there are any nutritional values inherent in a golf ball for a pony’s stomach, though I fear such is a futile research project. Applejack is nothing if not determined, so her next move was to line several balls up ( I counted twenty ) on their tees, and one by one she stepped down the line and launched each into the air. As I found out later, several of the balls landed in Ponyville at the heart of Market Time, with one witness reporting the sound of empty coconuts. I am happy to report nopony was seriously injured, though it will take some time for the head swellings to go down.
As I mentioned, Applejack was not the only Earth pony to make the attempt. My other friend and fellow Bearer Pinkie Pie decided to try her hoof at the game. She was the only pony in her group to actually "make par," as is the parlance, but this did nothing to improve the mood of the other ponies around her. In fact, in the case of Applejack, I must admit to never having seen her face so red. Throwing down the club at that point, she said, and again I am here quoting, “Darn fool hoo-man game!” and she stormed off.
Finally, I made an attempt. Having watched the others and taken careful notes, I felt confident I could improve on their shortcomings. Such was not the case. First I tried the pegasus method, then the unicorn, and then the Earth pony. I must admit I am not as proficient with using my hooves only and therefore repeated the errors I observed. As a result of my temporary failure, I can commiserate with Applejack, as the game can be frustrating.
With proper care and patience, I feel confident the game can be mastered for the ponies of Equestria, but not, I fear, at the present time. I also remain confident such exchanges will indeed prove fruitful for our separate races, given time and patience.
Yours faithfully,
Twilight Sparkle
P. S. I have heard of another Human sport called "surfing." In this sport one makes use of a flat board made of lightweight material to glide swiftly over waves and to the shore. Though the Humans use a bipedal stance in use of such sport, a pony's quadrupedal support should be more than sufficient to master this particular endeavor.
Now if I can only find ponies willing to try it.
