A NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHES!
Twilight and Tirek had been fighting for nearly an hour, both magic users bruised and exhausted, but neither of them showing any sign of letting up.
Tirek took a deep breath, looking down at the powerful pony princess, "It appears we are at an impasse..."
"Maybe...” Twilight said defiantly, “but there's still one warrior, far greater than me, who you could never hope to defeat... A warrior of peace who would destroy you in an instant!"
Tirek sneered at her, growing tired of the constant struggle, "and who might that be?"
Just then, he heard someone clear their throat with a nasally voice, and looked to see a tall, lanky human with a green shirt and brown pants. He pulled off his sunglasses as he surveyed the battlefield. "Zoinks," he said coolly, barely phased by the incredible destruction around them.
Calmly, he walked over to them, lifting his feet high in the air, his hands swinging loose at his sides, "Like, sorry I'm late, princess..." He looked up at Tirek, unphased by the monster towering above him, “So, you must be the dude who’s been causing all the trouble.”
Tirek scoffed at the puny creature, “And who might you be?”
“My name is Norville Rogers, but you can call me...” he narrowed his eyes, “Shaggy.”
Raccoon Presents...
An Even Greater Warrior
Tirek was baffled. “THIS is your champion?! THIS is who you bring before me?!” He threw up his hands, “This has to be some sort of joke!”
“It's no joke Tirek!” She planted her hooves, grinning up at him defiantly, “Shaggy is the strongest warrior in Equestria, and he's gonna stop you!”
“Enough! I'm tired of your stalling, Princess!” He lunged forward to grab her by the neck, “Give me your magic, or I'll-” he never got to finish the threat.
Without warning, too fast for Tirek to even see, Shaggy had leaped into the air. His arm swung wide, the back of his limp hand casually delivering an epic bitch-slap to the side of Tirek’s bitch-face, which knocked the massive centaur’s jaw sideways and threw him off of his hooves, sending sailing into a nearby hill, where his shuddering body was left in a crater in the dirt.
“Like, show some respect to the lady, dirtbag.” Shaggy sneered.
Twilight grinned, “Wow Shaggy, you really knocked his block off!” She pumped her hoof triumphantly.
“Well, you know what they say, all toasters toast toast!” he said wisely, voice cracking, flashing her a grin, “You should go hide, Princess. Obviously, you would be in trouble”
“Right, because all ponies become helpless damsels in distress when the human main character is fighting what would otherwise be a normal adversary.” Twilight nodded, quickly hiding.
Her hero nodded back, “Right, like, that’s what ya need for a wish-fulfilling narrative!”
Tirek pulled himself from the crater, growling, “First the Princess, now this... Fair enough. Once I destroy you, there will be nothing standing between me and-."
“Whatever dude!" Shaggy interrupted, "All you villains do is talk and talk! Can we like, get this over with? It’s gettin’ close to dinner time and I could really go for a quadruple hayburger with extra hay-fries!” He licked his lips and rubbed his tummy: Equestria really did have the best vegetarian options.
“Very well then,” an orange ball of destructive magic began to charge between his horns, “HAVE IT YOUR WAAAYY!” He screamed, pouring into the single attack
Shaggy frowned, “Like, I said hayburgers dude: I’m a vegetarian. I don’t even like Burger King!”
The skinny hippy was hit head-on by the massive beam of energy, which tore up the landscape around it, carving a path through the base of a nearby mountain, causing a rockslide which killed Bambi’s mother.
Tirek huffed as the dust cleared, looking for the charred remains of his opponent.
“Like, is that all ya got?” Shaggy said, still standing in the same spot, the earth below and behind him the only thing that hadn’t been affected by the massive attack.
The massive centaur growled, “How dare you insult me. I am lord Tirek, master of magic, rightful heir to the throne of-”
“I’m sorry... Did you just say you were a T-Rex? ‘Cause ya’ look like a centaur with bad fashion sense to me...”
Tirek’s face got even redder than it already was, like an extremely ripe tomato, “TIREK! MY NAME IS TIREK!”
“Yeah, I get it, ‘T-Rex’, like the dinosaur.”
“Why you little...”
Shaggy held up his hands defensively, “Like, you do you dude, I won’t judge, I’m just sayin’, T-Rex is a weird name for a giant centaur.”
“AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!” Tirek rushed forward, fists flying at the annoying human in a flurry of blows.
Shaggy expertly blocked and dodged, weaving his lanky body about like a snake. Not like, the scary kind of snake, more like, the vegetarian kind... There are vegetarian snakes, right? Yeah.
“STOP MOVING! I... WILL... DESTROY YOUU!!”
“Ya know dude, you should really learn to relax, maybe try some meditation.” Shaggy said casually, his voice barely audible against the sound of Tirek’s fists as they whipped through the air, impacting with a powerful boom every time they were blocked, “I’m just sayin’, stress like that really isn’t good for your blood pressure!”
“Reah! Rud ressure!” a particularly goofy voice echoed from somewhere across the battlefield.
“I WILL RELAX ONCE I HAVE ANNIHILATED YOU, TAKEN ALL THE MAGIC FROM THESE PONIES, AND RECLAIMED MY RIGHTFUL THRONE!!”
“Like, suit yerself dude! I’m just sayin!” Shaggy said casually, weaving effortlessly through another flurry of blows.
Tirek roared, spreading his hand out wide, bringing them in fast and grabbing the little human’s body between them, holding him in place.
“Zoinks!” Shaggy blurted, showing the first sign of any surprise with the battle. Being hungry had really knocked him off his A-Game.
“Now, I will finish this!” he opened his mouth wide, a hissing breath escaping his mouth as he sucked in all of his opponents magic.
Shaggy turned his head sideways, flinching, “Like, zoinks dude, have you ever heard of, like, breath mints?” His voice cracked again.
Tikek was baffled, “What..? Why can’t I take your magic?!”
“Like, I don’t have any, dude!”
“How are you this strong without MAAGIIIC!?” Tirek screamed in a new bout of rage.
“I dunno dude, maybe ya just suck at life.” Shaggy's snarked, clearly the one who was winning at life.
“Reah! Ruck at rife!” the goofy voice echoed across the battlefield again.
“WHAT?! I am the best at life!” Tirek squeezed him, leaning in with a wide sneer, “I take what I want, and I don’t let anyone stand in my way! I have power, and I don’t let petty feelings of pity keep me from using it to demand respect!”
Shaggy shrugged, “Seems to me like you're the guy screaming like a little bitch. I mean, let's be clear man, the reason you’re not king of the dinosaurs or whatever is ‘cause nobody likes you. Meanwhile I have ladies throwing themselves at my feet every day, ‘cause turns out women like sensitive guys with cute dogs!”
“Rah! Rute rogs!” that goofy voice echoed once again.
Tirek's eyes widened, the vessels beginning to pop out of his head, a gurgling in his throat with turn to a scream of absolute rage. He spun around on his hooves, whipping Shaggy about as he threw him with all the force his body could muster!
Shaggy went flying into the side of the nearby mountain, his impact blasting the earth and stone out of the way, causing another rock slide to collapse on top of him.
Tirek panted, walking to where he’d thrown the annoying human. His body was beginning to burn from the constant expenditure of energy, and his heart was racing. His blood pressure was also pretty high, which he should really see a doctor for, because that’s no good. His lips curled into a smirk as the idea that he’d finally won replaced the strange feeling that a great dane had been snickering at him just out of sight.
...Suddenly, the rocks shifted. They fell away, revealing the form of the human hero, not a scratch on him, and no less defiant of the magical tyrant.
“You wanna know my secret, dude?” Shaggy asked calmly as he rose from the rubble. There was no fear in his eyes, only anger as he continued in a low tone, “The secret is hard work and a constant dedication to self-improvement... Not like you’d understand that.”
Tirek growled, because he was an entitled baby-boomer incel who didn’t understand that. (Seriously, he hadn’t showered in like, a thousand years, so it was no wonder that no centaur-ladies were asking for his number.)
“Like, you have to stick to an intense training regimen.” He stepped forward, causing Tirek to take a step back, “And like, you have to keep doing it, no matter how difficult it gets...”
Tirek raised a brow, his face beginning to twist in confusion.
Shaggy rushed forward, bringing his left fist up in an earth-shattering hook to Tirek's jaw. “ONE HUNDRED SIT-UPS!” he roared, bringing forward his right fist, “ONE HUNDRED PUSHUPS!” he flipped back, swinging his leg at a speed that would break the bones of a lesser man, “THEN RUN A TEN KILOMETER RUN!” Tirek felt every bit of muscle from every single meter of it as Shaggy's foot collided with his gut, breaking ribs in the process. “...AND ONE HUNDRED SQUATS!” Shaggy shoved his feet against the ground, leaping upward with the power of those squats and slamming the top of his head into the bottom of Tirek's jaw, sending him flying high into the air like a FIFA soccer ball but without the rampant corruption. Shaggy leaped into the air behind him. He raised his fist again, delivering another two powerful blows, each punctuated by the last three words of his advice, “EVERY! SINGLE! DAY!!!” With that last word, he brought his hands together, slamming Tirek body downward like a volleyball, sending and flying towards the ground at near supersonic speeds. the sound of his impact was like a million cannons, turning a rocky hill into a crater that would become a new Valley for all of his animal friends to live in, throwing up a circular dust cloud so great it could be seen for miles.
Shaggy landed nearby, his feet lightly tapping down on the freshly exposed bedrock, “And like, make sure you eat at least three meals a day.”
Tirek shuddered at the bottom of his own personal crater, his broken bones sliding painfully against each other as he felt blood trickling through his coat, “Impossible... that’s impossible...” He struggled through the process of lifting his body from the rubble. He clenched his fists, throwing his head back in a roar of anime-style angst, “THAT’S IMPOSSIIBLLLLE!!!”
“Like, read what you wanna read, and believe what you wanna believe,” he narrowed his eyes, “But go to bed, every night of your life, knowing there’s only one winner today, and it’s not you.”
“Reah! Ro duh red!” the goofy voice echoed down from somewhere outside the crater.
Tirek scowled, clenching his fists as he kneeled before the greater foe. “You're toying with me!” he spat, “You’re lying as some sort of sick joke! There's no way anyone could be that strong without magic!”
“Like, have you ever tried a good workout routine? Ya know what they say, no pain no gain!” He smiled again, his voice cracking.
The two warriors stood there as the wind blew gently through the valley. One of them, the once great tyrant, was now bloodied and exhausted: he’d pushed his powers to the limit, and he’d failed. The other, was Shaggy, the greatest hero Equestria had ever known, and not even a self-insert to boot.
“Very well then.... It seems I cannot best you in single combat...” The edges of his lips rose as his expression turned into a sinister grin, “How about a trade?” He snapped his fingers, and Twilight and Shaggy’s six closest friends, along with Discord, appeared in the air behind him, suspended helplessly in magic bubbles. “Twilight’s magic...” he narrowed his eyes, “...for their lives.”
Shaggy’s face darkened, his eyes narrowing as he let the rage of a thousand suns pass through him, and for the briefest moment, the peace-loving pacifist had to remind himself to act with purpose. He let out a deep sigh, letting go of his anger with it before speaking in a calm tone. “You think you can, like, threaten me?”
“Yes!” Tirek shouted in malicious glee, “That is why I am telling you what I’ll do if you don’t give me what is mine!”
Shaggy’s tone darkened even more, “Zoinks, I guess I don't have a choice then...”
Tirek grinned, believing he had won, unaware that his fate was sealed.
The lanky human put his hands together, steadying his feet, “It's time for me to, like, finish this.”
Tirek’s eyes widened, “Wha-?”
Shaggy lurched forward, his hands moving like lightning, striking the centaur’s chest with open palms, causing Tirek to shudder, but with no where near enough force to knock him off his feet. When the flurry of blows was over, he spoke one phrase...
“Omae wa mo shindeiru.”
Tirek looked down at him, baffled, “What? What even was that??”
“It’s an ancient technique I’ve been learning. It means, ‘You Are Already Dead’.”
Tirek screamed as his body bloating up like a balloon, “I SUBMIT MYSELF TO JESUUUUAAAUGH!!” He failed to say the magic words before exploding in a shower of gore and sparkling magic, leaving nothing but his smoking hooves.
Shaggy’s eyes widened as he looked around at the pieces of shredded centaur which was now raining down throughout the battlefield. “Zoinks! I wasn’t sure that’d actually work!” He turned around to call out, “Like, it's over princess!”
Twilight peeked out from behind a rock, smiling as she pulled a piece of Tirek off her ear, “You did it Shaggy!” She rushed over to him, grabbing him in a hug far warmer than she’d ever give a brony.
Shaggy chuckled bashfully, “Like, Sorry for the mess, Princess.”
Twilight let him go, beaming up at him, “Oh Shaggy, you don’t need to apologize for anything!”
He turned to the others, who now stood safely on the ground next to them, “I hope you girls don’t think of me any differently because of this: I believe in life for all creatures, but I couldn’t see any good option where I didn't take his life.”
Fluttershy giggled sweetly, “Oh, don’t worry about it Shaggy. T-Rex was a piece of shit, who deserved to die, and it’s good that you killed him.” She leaned forward and gave him a nuzzle of approval, the kind of which you will never feel from her.
“Yeah!” Applejack said with a grin, “Ah reckon’ you saved Equestria from a heap o’ trouble today! Y’all really all a hero!” She stated with absolute honesty, words that you will never hear from her.
“And I must say, your fighting style is most elegant!” Rarity batted her eyelashes, “You really are quite dashing.” Rarity smirked at him, fawning over him like she’ll never fawn over you.
“Best... human... EVEERR!!” Pinkie Pie shrieked as she cartwheeled over, “When we restore everypony’s magic and get back to ponyville, I’m gonna throw you the biggest ‘Thanks for Kicking T-Rex’s butt and Saving the World’ party ever!” She said, planning a party the likes of which she would never... Ok, actually, she throws parties for just about everyone who so much as sets foot in Ponyville, so she’d probably throw you one too if you went there. Not calling her a “party-slut” or anything, I’m just saiyan, she throws a lotta parties.
“Wow girls, you don’t have to make such a big deal out of it!” he blushed, “I mean, I’m not that special... I mean... Ya know... I dunno... ya know? I dunno...”
“Shut up you fool!” Twilight grabbed the blabbering man, bringing his face to hers and kissing him, full on, on the lips, with a love that she will never feel for any brony, because she doesn’t even know you exist.
After a good few moments, she pulled away, leaving shaggy blushing. “Like, zoinks princess,” he said, scratching his head, “It really was nothing. I was just tryin’ ta do the right thing!”
“Nothing? You just took down T-Rex like HE was nothing! You must be the strongest human ever!!” Rainbow cheered, looking at him with a look of admiration that she would never look at you with.
“Like, thanks Rainbow, but I'm actually not.”
“What? There’s a human stronger than you??” Rainbow’s jaw dropped.
“Yeah! Like, there’s this one guy who's like, stronger than I could ever hope to be. He saved me and my friends one time, and ever since then, I've looked up to him. Like, he inspired me to become what I am today, and his name is...”
And so, Equestria was saved, and the internet rejoiced.
Author's Note
THERE'S MY STORY YOU GAIZ, THANKS FOR READING IT!
DON'T FORGET TO HIT THE LIKE BUTTON AND LEAVE A COMMENT!
HAPPY APRIL FIRST!
