Childish Gambino Teaches Equestria What America Is
The moon is hovering above Equestria, not budging an inch for the sun that should be in it’s place. Nightmare Moon has returned, and brought around her eternal night.
Twilight Sparkle lays on the floor, defeated upon seeing the Elements of Harmony smashed in front of her. She despairs and whispers under her breath, “Anypony, please, help.”
Nightmare Moon laughs maniacally, “No pony shall come for you now, Sparkle! This is now the land of the night! This realm is mine!”
“That’s where you’re wrong.” Both parties turn to look at the door into the throne room with surprise. A tall, black man walks through the door, his only clothing being his golden necklace and grey pants. He walks through the doorway to some invisible beat, his eyes wild and his smile mad.
He walks right up to the remaining crystals of the Elements, crushing them into a fine powder within his hand. He then shoves his face into it, snorting up the powdered Elements of Harmony. He looks up at Nightmare Moon, “This land is not yours. This is not Equestria.”
Nightmare Moon laughs, “Oh yeah? What is it then? Griffonia? Minotuaria? Heaven forbid, the Crystal Empire?”
The man reaches to the wasteband of his pants, and slowly draws out a silver object. It’s shaped like a ‘L’ with his fingers and hand resting on the lower line of it. He smiles even more as he levels the object at Nightmare Moon. His eyes widen a bit more, and his finger twitches, “This is America.”
The weapon sends out a loud noise. Nightmare Moon falls over instantly, a new hole in her brain. The strange man smiles even wider, and throws the weapon aside.
When Nightmare Moon falls, Celestia appears in the throne room. All she saw was her sister lying dead, and Twilight sitting there with a strange silver object laying near her. Twilight looks around to try and explain that it was the creature who did it, but he was already gone.
The only evidence he ever existed was the missing Elements, his weapon, and the dead Nightmare Moon.
The air smelled like freedom.
———
It’s deep in the dank underground. The Diamond Dogs shout at their pony slaves for them to work quicker. One of them keeps bringing back useless rubble, so one of the Dogs go over to them.
They growl at the pony, “What does pony not get? Rocks is grey, gems is shiny.”
The pony, Rarity, scoffs, “You wouldn’t know a gem if it hit you in the face. Can’t you see that supposed ‘rock’ is actually Apatite? You know, a gem?”
The dog growls once more as he looks at the rock colored gem, “Pony try to play us for fool. Won’t work. Don’t mess up again.” He holds it out right in front of her eyes, “This is rock.”
Footsteps echo down from a tunnel path. The dog turns to face his brother’s, and orders them to all get in a defensive position. They all grab their armor and spears, and wait patiently in the middle of the chamber with the rest of their pack. Overall, about twenty dogs stand in armor, with their three pack leaders standing in front of them.
The very same creature walks out of the tunnel. He smiles upon seeing the dogs, “Don’t mess up again. This ain’t a rock.”
He moves up the strange device in his hands. It’s bright orange color scheme almost glowing in the dark tunnels, with a pronounced stock and barrel. One word is thought in Rarity’s mind, though she has no idea what an ‘AK47’ is.
He smiles as he holds down his finger on the trigger, “This is America.”
Bullets come spewing out the end of the weapon, mowing down the dogs with ease. He nods as he sees all of them fall down, dead. He tosses the AK to the ground, and turns around to face Rarity. He grabs the chains around her, and breaks them into dust with a squeeze of his fist.
Rarity looks down to slip the shackles off of her. But, by the time she looks up, he’s already gone. All that’s left behind is his weapon and the pile of dead Diamond Dogs. Rarity smiles a bit, mentally thanking her savior for getting her out of her chains.
The air smelled like the Fourteenth Admendment.
———
Chaos reigns the streets of Ponyville. Houses float, turned into cards, ponies fly through the air, Buffalo dance around, and chocolate chip cookies have been replaced with oatmeal raisin. Ruin, absolute and utter, despair everywhere to be seen.
Twilight leads her friends. against Discord, not seeing the grey within their coats, and with Spike replacing Rainbow. Twilight just got out of prison for what happened with Nightmare Moon, and she wasn’t about to let Discord ruin her first day out.
The friends she made in the Everfree have been corrupted like everypony else, yet Twilight still leads them to try and mildly annoy Discord. Nopony knows what Twilight expects to do, she’s just a regular unicorn, but she plans to do something.
She steps on the ground before Discord’s throne, “Discord! This is not your land, and we’re here to return Harmony!”
He smirks, “Well, that’s a good plan and all my dear, but it begs a simple question. With what? The Elements that were destroyed? Or some mythical ‘magic of friendship’?”
Twilight doesn’t back down, “That doesn’t matter. We will not live in this Tartarus!”
Discord laughs, “Oh, my dear, you have no choice. This is Equestria! This is Chaos! And this is life!” He chuckles, a bolt of orange juice cracking behind him.
His cackling is so loud that he doesn’t hear the footstep approaching him. He only stops when he hears the man breath. He looks down, and sees the man there.
Every breath he takes banishes the chaos around him, turning it into something very different. Every blade of grass and leaf is turned into hotdogs and hamburgers. The ground beneath him turns into cloth as the dirt is changed into dollar bills and American flags tightly packed enough to hold him.
Discord looks at the man in interest, “Interesting. You aren’t one of my creations, yet you bleed with such Chaos!”
He only slightly flexes his muscles, causing the area around him to change even more. The three houses nearby him turn into a Carl’s Jr., McDonald’s, and a Wendy’s.
The message is clear to Discord, “Ah, you wish to harm me, do you? Well, allow me to clue you into the same thing I did to those mares.” He teleports over to the shoulder of the man, leaning his head over the shoulder. He whispers into the man’s ear, “You have nothing to do it with.”
The man quickly proves him wrong. He grabs the muzzle of Discord, sapping all his energy. He then throws Discord onto the ground, and takes out a nightstick. He then starts to bring it down upon Discord, “This is America!”
The unearthly screams heard over the next few minutes are enough to give even Celestia nightmares. The ponies are forced to avert their eyes as Discord is brutally beat to death in front of them.
Each blow from the baton sounds like a sonic boom, until Discord breathes no more.
Twilight looks back, only to see a baton at her hooves and nothing else. There she stands, baton at her hooves, and a beaten Discord in front of her. Such is the sight Celestia saw when she flew down to Ponyville then.
The air smelled like Bureaucracy.
———
Flim and Flam smile from their car as the judges count their barrels of cider. News was given to Applejack of their loss, and thus the loss of her farm. She didn’t take it well.
She yells at the Flim and Flam brothers on their machine, “Ya darn cheaters! This ain’t right, this farm don’t belong to you! This is my farm!”
Out of the rows of trees in the orchard steps a man. He dances over to the farmers with the mad smile still upon his face. He silently moves behind Applejack, and draws an identical pistol from his first entrance to the world.
Applejack only knows something is wrong when she feels the cold metal against the back of her head. The man smiles, “This is America.”
The same loud bang comes out from the gun, ending Applejacks life instantly. He throws his gun to the side, sliding right in front of Twilight’s hooves. She sighs, and accepts that she’ll go back to jail once more. The man moves on over to Granny Smith.
He kicks Granny Smith over, and takes all the bits from her saddle bag. He then moves on over to Flim and Flam, throwing them the bag of bits. He smiles as he does so, “Don’t worry, she’s a background character.”
The air smells like Capitalism.
With his mission done and complete, he dances back into the orchard.
He was never seen again.
Twilight was later hanged by a lynch mob for her murder of Princess Luna, 23 Diamond Dogs, Discord, and Applejack. Some say that in her final days she shouted out the word ‘America’ and ‘Gambino’ over and over again. She was pronounced insane after her death, and a statue was made of her in Canterlot garden, calling her the Spirit of Insanity and Dark Magic.
Flim and Flam ran the farm successfully, and were called upon many times by Princess Celestia to help with troubles. With their new technology gained from research of their car and the guns left behind, they forged weapons surpassing anything even in science fiction. Sombra and Tirek were easily defeated by the two brothers, and the Changeling’s were negotiated with until a peaceful solution was found.
Rainbow Dash left her friends in Ponyville to go to Griffonstone. Gilda and her worked together to recover the Idol, and Gilda eventually became the Queen of Griffonia. Griffonia now prospers under her rule, Rainbow Dash formed the Wonder Griffs, and became the captain.
Fluttershy became the apprentence of Iron Will after finding she loved her new assertive self. With Iron Will’s help, she never got to aggressive, and many shy ponies across Equestria and beyond have her to thank for being able to stand up for themselves.
Rarity became inspired by the man, and made a new style of clothing based off him. Sweatpants and Tank Tops quickly became a hit around the nation for every athlete and gym member. Rarity quickly became the most popular tailor in Equestria, and she spent her money on charities to help the Apple Family and to make a statue in Applejack’s honor. She even adopted Apple Bloom, who became a hat maker under Rarity’s tutelage.
Pinkie Pie thought his catchphrase was quite catchy, and she soon made a song called ‘This is America’. She later produced a musical that detailed his supposed adventures after he left Equestria. Childish America has become a favorite show for creatures of every age around the world, always eager to see where Gambino would go next.
Most say that the world prospered after his leaving and all the events in it’s wake. Celestia, however, never fully recovered from the loss of her two other immortals. Her and Chrysalis became the best of allies, but some say the Princess still wakes up crying sometimes.
The Elements of Harmony disappeared, and nopony knew where they went. The blame was placed upon Twilight Sparkle, but most say that the Elements aren’t even needed.
After all, this is no longer Equestria.
This is America.
