Bubbles and Other Things

by HeroOfOOO

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Adventure, Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human
Length: 3894

After a long night of “work”, Martin wakes up to find he’s now a pony with a crooked stare.

“Human to pony, yeah, blah blah that. Those cliche stories that y’all are obviously used to. Yeah, this isn’t funny though. All this ain’t funny. And someone get me some eye drops or something!”

Martin’s just your average regular normal... yes, redundancy is a must... Martin’s just a human being. However, he just woke up as Equestria’s infamous mailmare, Derpy Hooves. Now stuck as probably the only pony on Earth, he has to find a way to turn himself back to normal.

Only if he stops being a jackass first.

Published 2019-04-02 02:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-04-14 07:05:22 UTC

Prologue: “Why the hell are my eyes crooked?”

Ever since I was a kid, my left eye’d always laze around; looking at anything but the thing that I wanted to look at. What’s that? You want to read a book normally? Well too bad, you’re other eye is constantly looking somewhere else, distracting you like some kind of child pestering their parents for McDonalds during a car drive. By now, you probably figured out that I have something people call a lazy eye. Yep, that’s right. A lazy eye. To be honest, it’s not as bad as people make it up to be… I think? Having a lazy eye wasn’t anything too serious, but my parents would always make a big fuss about it whenever it showed in public, but I kept telling them that it’s alright. Whenever my left eye would wander off, I could just blink and regain my focus. Yes, it is annoying, but it didn’t get to a point where it was causing me physical pain. Thus, I never really cared for it. I’ve lived my whole life living just the way I was. I was a pretty normal kid for the most part of my life. That was until I woke up one day with a huge problem… how huge? Well… a pony sized problem, that’s for sure. Now you might be thinking to yourself: “Has Martin lost his marbles?! What problem could he possibly have that would have anything to do with “ponies”?”. Well my friend, let me tell you a story that still makes absolutely no sense to me.

It all started one day when I woke up as a character from a cartoon show. Now pause. See what I mean by “absolutely no sense”? Yeah… maybe all of you would understand better if I gave you my shoes and wore them… that’s how that saying goes, right? Whatever, time I ditch the crappy narrative flashback and get into this huge crap storm.

Ugh, damn… I thought as I rolled around in my bed, clutching my blanket around me. I was suffering from the aftermaths of an exhausting Friday all-night game session with my best friends. I knew I shouldn’t have drank all those energy drinks. Being the irresponsible seventeen year old I was, I regret drinking about five or six cans of those branded drinks in one go. Note to self, don’t do that, unless you’re an idiot like me.

After rolling around in my blanket for god knows how long, the few loose wires in my brain finally connected and made a decision to finally get up from my bed and eat some breakfast. I pushed the blanket down to my waist and opened my eyes, and immediately I noticed that something was… off. My room was normal; walls painted blue with a few cabinets nailed on the walls, with the light of the morning sun shining through my window… yeah, I do enjoy mornings like these… but not when I see one half of it. One looking at the window, one looking at the bed… yeah yeah, I know. My eyes were looking at two directions at once, that’s old news for me, yeah, but what was worrying about this was I couldn’t force it back! Usually blinking would’ve brought my left eye back in its place, but after several blinks, it did nothing! Already, several rusty gears in my brain started turning, setting my instincts to panic. Had my pre-adolescent irresponsibility with caffeinated beverages finally caught up with me and is now giving me the finger, cursing me with crossed eyes forever? Maybe… it could just be those several cans of energy drinks and the fact that I’m too tired to even think straight.

However, that didn’t mean it wasn’t so god damn annoying. I tried to bring a hand up to reorient my eye manually like a glass eye. Sounds painful, yes, but I just wanted my eyes to be straight, no matter how painful it would be. Thankfully, I wasn’t able to do that because that’s a job that would require fingers… good thing I don’t have them with me, or else my idiocracy would’ve gotten me screaming in pain. What’s that? You’re wondering why I have no fingers? Well, you think I know? Well, I don’t. I just lifted my hand to my face in order to attempt the “manual eye movement”, but instead of a hand coming to view, I was met with a single gray appendage. A hoof. Could you believe this? I didn’t. To be honest, I didn’t even know if what I was seeing real or not because, you know, being sleep deprived and abused with carbonated caffeine juice and all. I figured “Bah, this is just the side effects of being a sad display of immaturity and some mix of my deep escapist fantasy of becoming a magical creature fueled by the excessive consumption of those cans… it’ll go away.” and tried continuing on with my Saturday morning as usual… if I could get out of bed, that is.

My legs didn’t feel like the legs I know and love; two straight simple bones with a joint in the middle. They feel broken or something; three bones and two joints, if that makes any sense. I had trouble getting out of my bed due to said anatomy I was just suddenly introduced to… a.k.a. I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up. At this point, I refuse to. I’m tired as all hell from the gaming hang-out. The only thing keeping me from going back to bed was my stomach growling at me like a wild dog. I removed the blanket and saw that I was still in my pajamas… but the leggings were ripped to accommodate the new form of my legs. Also… my toes are gone! Just like my hands, they’re hooves.

“What the hell?” I muttered under my breath with a slight feminine voice escaping from it. Confused as I was, my brain was still set on that ‘this whole thing was just a dream’. But why a feminine voice? Why hooves? Until it all hit me.

“Why the hell am I a pony?!”

It was nearing the end of breakfast time in the Parson household.

“Cid, could you call your brother please?” asked a lady around her middle forties carrying a plate of omelettes to her son. “He’s usually awake for breakfast, even with his… constant ‘video game’ playing.”

“Alright, mom.” answered Cid with no hesitation. He went upstairs and, because he has close relations with his brother, didn’t bother knocking and just went straight inside.

“Martin, we have pancakes for-” his eyes darted towards the gray equine which lay before him on top of Martin’s bed. “-whaaa…” His voice faded as he finally finished processing that said gray equine was dressed in his brother’s pajamas from last night.

“Oh, hey lil’ bro! Didn’t expect you to be in this dream!”

Cid just screamed and ran downstairs.

“Mom! Mom!”

Maria, clearly disturbed by the scream she had heard upstairs, listened attentively to what Cid had to say. “What is it, Cid?”

“There’s a talking horse in Martin’s room!”

Taken aback to what Cid had said, she laughed. “Oh silly, Cid. There’s no such thing as talking horses! We live in the suburbs. Far from farms that is. We don’t have horses around here.”

She then held Cid’s small hand. “Don’t worry. Let’s wake your brother up together.”

“But I’m telling you the truth!” Cid whined, trying to pull himself away from his mother’s grasp, but is not strong enough to successfully escape.

They then walked up the stairs and towards the hallway together. Maria then opened the door gently to Martin’s room.

“Martin, what did you do to Cid to get him sca--” her eyes then paid attention to the gray equine creature that seemed to be trying to take off its pajamas.

“Excuse me, can a pony have some privacy?” the creature said with evident enthusiasm but with a slight of embarrassment in its voice.

“Oh sweet Jesus.” Maria then fell as she fainted, with Cid quickly catching her before she hit the ground. Cid then screamed loud and ran downstairs, pulling his mother by the hair, outside the room.

The gray equine was left alone in its room, with a confused look on its face,

“Ugh, this is such an embarrassing dream…” the gray equine muttered to itself as it continued to remove the pajamas it was wearing.

“Ugh, this is such an embarrassing dream…” I muttered to myself. “I hate how realistic this dream is even when it’s purposely trying to be silly at this point.”

I then removed my pajamas, and threw them on the bed. “Gosh, this dream is so reeaaa-- what the--?!” my complaints were quickly interrupted as a new set of appendages were revealed to me… Wings.

“Wow, talk about Red Bull staying true to their slogan.” I chuckled to myself. I then realized had to learn how to walk… even in a dream I still needed to obey the laws of gravity and anatomy… to walk like an actual pony. That’s stupid. My conscience is stupid. This entire dream is stupid! Eh, whatever, how hard could it be?

I took my first step and instantly had my face fall flat on the floor.

“Ow.” I picked myself up from the floor and rubbed my nose, or more commonly known as a snout, to ease the pain. “That… hurt.”

Pain. You can’t feel pain in a dream…

I blinked, yet my eyes were still crooked.

I blinked, yet I’m still two feet shorter than my usual height.

I blinked, yet I seem to still be a pony.

I blinked, yet again, but nothing seems to change back to normal.

I’m a pony.

What in God’s name have I gotten myself into?

Chapter 1: "Derpy Hooves?"

I frantically paced around the room with the new anatomy I’m faced with. If I had fingernails, I would bite them… Do ponies bite their hooves? Okay, that’s a thought that shouldn’t have entered my mind. Surprisingly enough, pacing around nervously got me to practice walking with these four legs of mine. It’s not helping that my eyes are crossed. Ugh, this really does feel like some weird fever dream, but it just isn’t.

“This can’t be happening, this can’t be happening, this can’t be happening…” I repeated these words like a mantra of nervousness to myself, and then tripped over something which pulled my ass. “OW,” I yelled in pain as I hit the ground again, “the hell?!”.

I saw a tail… A TAIL!!! It was a color of a beautiful shade of yellow… If that were the case, my hair, er… mane, would also be yellow too. While I’m on the ground in an uncomfortable position, I should take a look at my cutie mark too… Let’s see here… Wait… No, that can’t be right.“I’m Derpy friggin’ Hooves...”

I got myself up and quickly trotted over to the mirror just to take a good look at what the hell I’ve become. What I saw was… shocking. It was like staring in front of a realistic high definition render of Derpy Hooves in Autodesk or Blender...

“Dear God… How, when, why, WHAT?!” my jaw was agape, staring as the cute pony in the mirror followed my every moment, when, in fact, it should have been just an ordinary human following my movement.

“Then it is real…” I muttered to myself as I poked my cheek with a hoof. “Heh, I guess it ain’t all that ba-” My eyes then widened when I realized that one important feature about my human self was missing. “I’m never drinking Red Bull again.”

Cid was busy fanning some air for her unconscious mother in the living room.

“Mommy! Mommy! Please wake up!”

He then heard steps upstairs… More specifically clopping… He saw the shadow of a horse coming down the stairs.

“MOM, PLEASE WAKE UP! THE HORSE IS GOING TO EAT ME!”

“Jesus, chill out, Cid!” the gray equine said as it finally laid its final step on the living room floor. The equine looked down on the floor and chuckled. “Can’t believe I actually climbed the stairs on all fours.” it muttered to itself. The equine then looked at Cid, his eyes full of fear.

However, as the equine approached near Cid, the fear in his eyes slowly started to fade and was replaced with affection. “It’s… actually cute?” Cid said as he hesitantly petted the equine’s mane. “Awww, it’s a derpy horse!” he said, describing the crooked yellow eyes of the equine.

“Okay, Cid, glad to see you’re okay and you also didn’t turn into a pony…” Cid ignored the equines words as it was too preoccupied with petting its mane. “You can stop that.”

“Heh, sorry…” Cid said as he took his hands away from the equine’s mane. “It’s soooo soft though!”

“Thank you? Anyways…” the equine said as it pointed a hoof towards the unconscious body. “So, what are we going to do with mom?”

“So, what are we going to do with mom?” I asked. Cid looked at me weird.

“Mom? You’re calling her mom?” Cid said as he got all defensive. “Sorry, horsey, there’s only room for two brothers, one sister, and a cat in this household!”

I then smiled and cleared my throat and tried to do my best Darth Vader voice.

“Cid, I am your brother.”

Cid must have caught on because he quickly grabbed onto a pole and started holding on to it as if his life depended on it. “No! That’s impossible!” He said in his best attempt at a Luke Skywalker. He then laughed afterwards. “You’re funny horsey. You even know Star Wars. But still, I know big bro and he’s not a horsey!”

“Cid, come on man! I am Martin Parson!”

“No you’re not!” Cid retorted as he stuck his tongue at me.

I rolled my crooked eyes and groaned. “Okay. You like pancakes without the butter because butter makes it salty and you don’t like it salty. On your seventh birthday, you wanted to cosplay as Link but dad bought you a Peter Pan costume by accident because you didn’t know what Link’s name was at the time so you only called him Green Boy. You trusted me with all your secrets. Your most recent one was that you were the one who ate all of mom’s brownies in the fridge. Is that enough?”

Cid had his jaw agape. “You win horsey. It’s like you have the brain of Martin or something.”

“That’s because I am him.”

“Wait wait wait, maybe you TOOK HIS BRAIN! And ate it! And you consumed his memories too!”

“Cid, I’m a pony. I can’t eat meat, even if I wanted too.”

“How do I know if you’re not lying?”

“You have jerky on you?”

“Yeah, I do…” Cid quickly went to the kitchen. I heard the sound of a wooden cabinet opening and closing. Cid quickly ran back and threw the packet into my face.

“Ow! What the hell was that for!?”

“Because I don’t trust alien horseys who have probably eaten Martin’s brain!”

“Ughh… I can prove I don’t eat meat! Watch this!” I then put my hoof on the packet… and then realized I couldn’t pick it up nor open it. “Uh, Cid?”

“Yes?”

“I have no hands.”

“Oh yeah… I’ll get it!” Cid then approached the beef jerky and then opened it. Usually the smell of beef jerky would get me riled up and excited… instead, I was gagging.

“Oh GOD!” I gagged at the stench. “Where is that smell coming from!?”

I then put my snout in the packet and quickly flinched back and coughed. “Jesus! Cid, is that expired or something?”

I then saw Cid casually eating the packet of beef jerky. “No. It doesn’t expire til’ next year.”

My heart sunk a bit. Beef jerky is one of my favorite snacks, and me nearly gagging at the stench of it was… kind of disheartening for me, even though I sort of knew that this would happen.

“Well, horsey, eat up!” he got a piece out of the packet and handed it over to me.

You know, I might regret this, but anything to prove I can’t eat meat I guess…

“Okay, you proved your point.” Cid said, unamused by the fact that I had vomited all over him.

My head was at the toilet bowl, vomiting my entire stomach out. “I think I’m done.”

“I guess you didn’t eat Martin’s brains so I’m going to say… Martin’s a horsey!”

And, on queue, the last remaining stuff inside my stomach came out of my mouth and into the bowl.

“Do you think I should go take a bath now?”

I vomited in response.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

The toilet thankfully flushed properly and didn’t overflow because if it did, I would be in so much trouble… Well, causing my mom to faint is already trouble enough for me… Maybe she’d understand if I were a FRICKIN’ PONY for God’s sake! Ugh… How did this even happen to me? Was it the Red Bull? Was it me staying up all night? Right now, I’m in the bathroom next to the living room, washing the vomit from my mouth. It’s also a good thing none of my vomit went on the living room floor… that would suck if mom were to see it.

Maria had woken up from her nap. She saw that she was asleep on the floor. “Ow, my head…” she muttered to herself as she picked herself up from the cold floor. She then remembered the gray equine. “Oh, good heavens it was just a dream… I think I just need to wash my face. That’s all…”

Maria had approached the bathroom and was greeted with the gray equine, washing her face on the sink. The gray equine and Maria had a bit of a staring contest with each other, before both of them screamed at each other.

“Can’t a pony have some privacy around here?!”

“A-a-a talking horse! That’s-- am I going crazy?!”

“Hey, the only one with the right to say that is me, but I ain’t! Dunno what says that about you though?”

Maria then quickly grabbed the plunger beside the bathroom door and pointed it at the gray equine like a sword.

“Stay back! In God’s name, stay back!”

“Oh come on, mom, stop that.”

“Mom?! What in the-- Why are you calling me mom?!”

“Well, mom, it’s because I’m actually your son, Martin. Got that? Martin... “

Maria just stared at the equine, lowering the plunger a bit… then shook her head and raised the plunger again. “Liar!” the equine rolled its crooked eyes.

“Oh, I can prove it.” she said with confidence.

“Oh yeah? How!”

“Okay, remember that secret you told me about that time during your first year anniversary with dad, you planned on doing a whipped cream prank but you accidentally used WD-40 and nearly set the house and dad’s face on fire.”

“Surprise he still loved me after that… Heh, so you are Martin.” she calmed down and put the plunger down. “Still doesn’t explain the reason why you’re a small horse…”

“Pony… It’s a pony, mom.”

“That sounds too cutesy… I love it.” she then hugged the equine as tight as she could. “I also love your crooked eyes! It’s soooo cute!”

“Wa-wait, don’t-- not too tight!” the grey equine’s face turned green and...

I think y’all know what happened afterwards.

“You know, I usually imagined ponies to vomit rainbows or something.”

“Yeah, it’s just normal vomit…”

“Any reason for the vomiting?”

“Cid fed me beef jerky. And as you all know, horses don’t eat meat.”

“Any reason as to why he did?”

“Cid thought I was a creature that ate Martin’s brains. I proved to him that I couldn’t eat brains cus I couldn’t eat meat in the first place! Aaaand, vomited on him after he gave me the jerky… I still can’t get the taste off my mouth.”

“Yeah, so that makes both me and Cid vomit victims of yours.” I nodded. I chuckled at the alliteration she just made.

“Vomit victims… that sounds like an epic metal song.” I muttered to myself.

Cid then came down the stairs and saw mom, drenched in vomit, and me.

“Hey, mommy! You’re awake! I see you also got puked on!”

“To be honest, it’s not the worst substance spilt on me.” she said.

Both Cid and I had confused looks on our faces. “What’s the worst?” we both said in unison.

Mom’s face scrunched up and had a look of disgust. She twitched a bit before standing up and quietly walking upstairs, probably to the shower room. “I’ll be right back.”

Cid and I had raised an eyebrow at what had just happened.

“Aaaanyways… Cid, it’s a good thing it’s summer vacation. Imagine going to school like this.”

“People would just pet you, snuggle you, and ride on you! Like a knight!”

“Well, that’s also a possibility… if you’re in a prep.” I said to Cid. “In senior high, I’m pretty sure people would be like ‘Woah, is that real? Am I on drugs?’. That sort of deal.”

“Uh huh… Wait, are those WINGS?!”

“Huh, yeah. You only noticed now?”

“Yeah… I thought they were something else.” he said as he put a hand on my wing.

In an instant, my wings quickly spread out, knocking Cid back. Cid staggered a bit, but managed to maintain his balance. “Woah! That was sooo cool!”

“Uhh… that… that felt weird.” I said as my wings were completely spread out right now. I assumed it was muscle reflexes, but something tells me that it’s not.

“Martin, why’s your face red?” Cid said… which sadly confirmed my suspicion.

“Uh-- I dunno?!” I said, sounding all embarrassed. “I dunno why my face is red, maybe it’s allergies, who knows?!”

“Are you okay, Martin?”

“Yeah, yeah!” I said nervously. “I’m Okay, Cid. Just... don’t touch my wings anymore.”

“Why not?”

“J-just don’t!” I exclaimed as I was covering my face with two hooves. I didn’t want to explain to my ten year old brother what wing boners are… Heck, I didn’t even think that was a real thing pegasi actually feel.

“Eh, I’ll take your word for it, Martin.” Cid said. “You know what, you haven’t had breakfast yet. I’m pretty sure your hungry from all the… you know…”

“Yeah sure… Pancakes, I can eat…” I said as I quietly sat down on one of the chairs… Sat down on one of the chairs… Sat… God damn it… My wings won’t go down and I can’t fit on the chair due to the arm rests! “You know what? Put the plate on the floor.”

Never thought I’d be a pony.

Never thought my family would see me as a pony.

Never thought I’d vomit as a pony.

And I’d NEVER THOUGHT WING BONERS WOULD BE REAL!!!

WHAT THE HELL AND WHY THE HELL IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

Author's Note

Here's another chapter to this! Hopefully y'all like it!