Where?! Where are they hiding?!
It was a typical Monday afternoon at the Sweet Snacks Cafe. Pinkie Pie and her coworkers Sugarsocks and Doo Wop cheerily made their rounds refilling drinks and clearing empty plates. The after-school snack rush had just subsided, and it would be another hour before the dinner time rush began. Pinkie glanced over to the counter to find her friend and classmate Sunset Shimmer taking a seat.
"Hiya Sunset!"
"Heya Pinkie!"
Pinkie glanced down at Sunset's sketchbook. "Let me guess...you're working on the extra credit project for art class, and you need some extra creative fuel to help you finish it up!"
"You've got it."
"One hot fudge sundae coming up!"
As Pinkie skated off into the kitchen, Sunset took the moment to check messages on her smartphone. At that moment, another person entered the restaurant - a man of average height and build neatly dressed in a white dress shirt, black slacks, and a matching tie. Besides his golden brown brush cut hairstyle, his most noticeable feature was the pair of thick black-framed eyeglasses on his face. Under one arm, he carried a long, gold-colored flower box. Quietly, he gazed about the restaurant, taking in each and every person. It looked as though he were meeting somebody here.
Sugarsocks greeted the newcomer. "Hello! Welcome to the Sweet Snacks Cafe. Please go ahead and take any open seat."
The man did not so much as look at her. Without a word, he began walking down the aisle toward the very end of the restaurant. However, instead of sitting down at the empty corner booth, he suddenly dropped down to his knees and peered underneath the table. After a moment, he crouch-walked over to the next booth and did the same. He then repeated this process with the next table.
Puzzled, Sugarsocks skated up to him. "Uh, sir, can we help you?"
Again, the man ignored her. After looking about the restaurant once more, he walked over to the restrooms. However, instead of entering the men's room, he barged right into the ladies' room. A woman at the sink shrieked as he strode past her and proceeded to check each of the three empty stalls one by one. Sugarsocks skimmed into the ladies room, her patience clearly waning.
"Sir! What are you doing?"
Once more, he gave her the brush off as he returned to the dining area. It was at this time that Pinkie emerged from the kitchen with Sunset's hot fudge sundae. Sunset watched curiously as Doo Wop skated right up to the man, barring his path as Sugarsocks closed in from behind him. He suddenly stopped in his tracks and glanced around the restaurant once more.
"Where are they?" he asked nobody in particular.
Doo Wop gave him a puzzled look. "Who, sir?"
Without warning, he opened the flower box and drew a thick, red shrink-wrapped salami stick nearly two feet in length and swept it across the countertop, knocking several napkin holders and condiment bottles to the floor. The ruckus got the attention of everyone in the restaurant.
"Don't you play stupid with me!" he screamed, angrily waving the salami stick in Doo Wop's surprised face.
"Look out!" cried Pinkie Pie. "He's got a salami!"
"Sir," Doo Wop said levelly. "We don't want any trouble."
The man held her gaze. "They are here. I know it! There's no use protecting them!"
"Who?" asked Sugarsocks. "Who are you talking about?"
The man slowly turned back toward her and hissed. "The unicorns."
Sugarsocks and Doo Wop exchanged puzzled looks, as did Sunset and Pinkie.
"Uh, unicorns?" Doo Wop asked incredulously. Was this guy serious?
"Oh yes," the man replied with a crazed grin. He was serious! "For too long they've operated behind the scenes. Pulling strings. Yanking chains. But not anymore! Their evil ends today!"
With that, he cast aside the flower box and strode toward the kitchen as the cook, Greasy Joe, emerged. Doo Wop gestured to Sugarsocks to call the police as the maniac roughly shoved Greasy Joe aside and barged through the doors.
"Hey," the cook shouted. "You can't go back there!"
Sunset's mind raced as Doo Wop followed Greasy Joe back into the kitchen. Who was this lunatic? Did he know about the portal? Did he know about Equestria? At that moment, the only thing certain was that she and Pinkie had to stop him from terrorizing the people in the restaurant. A cacophony of pots, pans, and shattering dishes filled the air.
"Pinkie," whispered Sunset. "I think my sundae needs a little more chocolate syrup."
Pinkie gave Sunset a confused look at first before cracking a wicked-looking grin as she took the sundae and slowly sank down behind the counter. Meanwhile, Doo Wop and Greasy Joe, armed with a pot and pan respectively, succeeded in driving the salami-wielding hooligan out of the kitchen.
"You're with them!" he screamed, brandishing his weaponized cold cut. "You're all with them!"
"Hey!" Sunset called out. "I've seen a unicorn!"
The man glanced over at Sunset, suddenly seeming to forget about Doo Wop and Greasy Joe. Sunset held her breath as he locked eyes with her and slowly approached. Unblinking, he trained the end of his salami stick just inches from her face.
"Where?" he asked.
"It's right here in the restaurant," said Sunset levelly. Technically, it was not a lie.
"I ask you again," he growled through his teeth. "Where-"
"Special delivery!"
Pinkie focused her geode's power as she slid the sundae bowl across the floor. The man glanced down as the dessert detonated at his feet, sending ice cream, whipped cream, and an extra helping of chocolate syrup up into his face. Sunset and Pinkie backed away as he swung about furiously with the salami stick. In his blind frenzy, he stepped on a large glob of ice cream, lost his footing and fell flat on his back.
Doo Wop, Greasy Joe, and Sugarsocks all quickly surrounded him, pots and pans at the ready, as several customers recorded the scene with their phones. The man groaned in pain as he lay on the floor. All of his fight had suddenly left him. Sunset nevertheless used her foot to sweep the salami stick well out of his reach.
Kneeling down by the incapacitated man, Sunset pretended to check his pulse and peered into his memories through her geode. The poor fellow had suffered one bit of bad luck after another. First, his girlfriend left him, then he was fired from his job as a mailroom clerk - all over the course of the last 48 hours. Oddly, he did not seem to think that either of these misfortunes stemmed from his unpleasant personality - specifically, his equation of rudeness with honesty in both his personal and professional dealings. Instead, he seemed utterly convinced that the cause of all his troubles was a cabal of malicious diminutive unicorns that apparently influenced events on a world-spanning scale for no other reason than to vex him and him alone.
What was especially startling, however, was that the man had learned from some rather questionable Internet news sites about the magical incidents that occurred at Canterlot High School during the Fall Formal, the Musical Showcase, and the Friendship Games. Based on these reports, along with some very iffy mathematical computations, he arrived at the conclusion that the unicorn cabal's home base was located here, at the Sweet Snacks Cafe. He then took it upon himself to drive six hours to Canterlot and deal with his tormentors himself. As for why he came armed with a salami stick, he somehow believed that it protected him from the unicorns' evil magic.
Sunset quickly released her grip on his wrist. She could not help but wonder if her own psyche might be damaged just by glimpsing his delusions! At least he didn't show up at CHS!
***
Within minutes, two police officers were on the scene. The stranger was charged with disturbing the peace, destruction of property and reckless use of a salami stick. The officers patiently read him his rights as he attempted, futilely, to convince them that he had been framed.
"I'm telling you, it was the unicorns! They set me up!"
The two officers exchanged exasperated looks. "Save it for the judge," said one of them.
All of the restaurant staff and customers quietly watched as the stranger was escorted away in handcuffs, all the while proclaiming his innocence at the top of his lungs.
Sugarsocks shook her head with pity. "Poor guy."
Doo Wop was less sympathetic. "Seriously though, unicorns? Who would actually believe such a thing?"
At the counter, Pinkie Pie and Sunset Shimmer just smiled and winked at each other over a fresh new sundae.
Author's Note
This tale was very loosely inspired by an encounter I once had with a belligerent homeless man at a fast food restaurant.
Salami man's appearance was based on Michael Douglas's character "D-Fens" from the movie Falling Down. Why a salami stick you ask? Blame it on the ALF video game for the Sega Master System.