To Bring Forth Greatness

by Vocal Sonder

Rating: teen
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Main 6, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1062

Derpy does the thing.

Derpy does the thing.

This is a short format script for the Bad Fanfic 18+ panel that premieres at most Midwest cons.

Formatting is strictly for dictating purposes but can be read like a normal script if you squint hard enough.

Published 2019-04-04 01:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-05-30 01:27:23 UTC

To Bring Forth Greatness

To Bring Forth Greatness

Author: Kyle Hultquist

Narrator Muffin-1 Muffin-2 Muffin-3 Twilight

Welcome to the town of Ponyville, a haven of the content and elderly. Inside such a town resides a mare, one of many talents. A tremendous soul that could fill any one heart with joy to bursting at the merest of glances. A pony who’s mere mention would spring to mind the fresh scent of cardboard on a summers eve, just when your expected parcel arrives. This mare is of course none other than the most beloved pony of all; Derpy Hooves. And she’s about to get into a lot of trouble.

We open the scene on a mare laying in bed, all a-tangle with her sheets and a dopy smile plastered upon her lips. Many would have killed, or have killed, to be at her side in this most delicate of moments but this, this is not a Tuesday! Tonight, she will be visited by a trio of her own guiding souls, each one a perfect representation of the humors that be. It was nearly 12 o’clock midnight when…

“Pssst, hey. Wake up! Yeah, the drooling one.”

The grey pegasus slowly cracked open a bleary, sleep deprived eye. One yellow iris just visible from beneath the heavy lid. It focused just enough to see a small muffin sitting on the pillow beside her. Immediately, as if driven by a primal need, she reached out and deftly plucked the muffin from the soft pillow and stuffed it in her mouth.

“Wait what are yo- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“OH GOD, she ate Howard!!!!!”

“She did wha- oh dear.”

All the two little muffins could do was watch in stark horror as their friend was devoured like the little treat he was. By the time they had recovered enough to scoot away the towering hulk of grey death was just starting to fully awaken. Rubbing a bit of sleep from her eyes she crookedly peered at the little intruders. Two small blueberry muffins sat on her bedside table, one of them trembling in fear, the other sitting in what could have only been a state of backed-good boredom.

“I don’t- I…”

<> “Welp, I guess that’s how the cookie crumbles.”

“…What?! Baking Puns!? How could you be so nonchalant right now! She just- “

“Oh- oh no! Did I do something!? I- I’m so sorry!I didn’t know that she was allergic! They said Scootaloo was going to pull through!”

<> “What? Uh, yes yes, she’s totally ok. Howard on the other hand... he was kind of a letdown anyways. Bit too much of a goody two shoes in my opinion. The world will surely miss him but in the end he’s in a better place so don’t worry you little blond head over it.”

“We’re so getting fired for this.”

<> “Let me introduce ourselves since Little Debby Downer over there has apparently lost his manners.

The little muffin did what could have been a twirl, but mainly it just looked like a muffin sitting very still.

“We! Are your conscience.”

<> “My… conscience?”

<> ”Yep! I, am your evil conscience. Name’s Hank! And that one over there is Jerald.”

“… and- ”

“And the one you ate was Howard.”

<> “He was so young, so vibrant, so… MOIST!” <<crying (Act out crying)>>

Derpy started to get a little green and clutch her stomach as she watched the little muffin quietly weep for his friend.

“As it turns out, he was the righteous side of your conscience! Kind of a nancy boy if you ask me but that’s all behind us now. We’re here to guide you to bigger and better things!”

<> “But… if you’re my evil conscience… and Howard was my good conscience… Who’s that?”

“Oh him? He’s my cousin, he’s on retainer if anything were to go from baked goods to baked bad. Basically legal counsel in case shit goes butter side down.”

Both the mare and evil looking, probably filled with raisins, muffin turned to stare at Jerald.

<< still crying (ACT DAMN YOU, ACT!) >>

“Welp, enough dilly dallying, time for some PROGRESS!”

The scene opens to early morning. A small grey pegasus was standing dutifully in the middle of the Ponyville town square at the behest of the muffin-kin. The evil muffin, who did indeed have a heart of raisins, was teetering this way and that looking at all of the buildings that surrounded them.

“You should burn this place to the ground”

<<Contemplating (Act out some contemplation)>>

Scene. Daytime. Market ablaze. A grey pegasus stands amidst the flames. She looks to her companions.

“Like that?”

“Perfect! Exactly like that, but over there too.”

“Hank, that’s a castle made of crystal, how is she going to burn that down?”

<<Contemplating (Contemplate again)>>

Scene. Daytime. Crystal Castle literally ablaze. THE pegasus stands amidst the flames.

<> “…Huh.”

Just then, a sextuplet of heroes came roaring onto the scene. All bedecked in their overly gaudy mcguffins and ready for a fight. All of them visually deflated when the spotted the lone grey pegasus atop the charred remains of Spike.

“Oh thank the Goddess, it’s just Bubbles. Are you alright?”

<> “Hey Twilight! I burnt your house down!”

Twilight stared at the wall-eyed face of Derpy; not Bubbles that was just a marketing thing. Disbelief beginning to spread across her features as she noticed the charred remains of her favorite rug beneath the grey mares’ hooves.

“Wait, let me get this straight, you… burnt my house down.”

“Yep!”

“HOW IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE DID YOU EVEN SET FIRE TO MY HOUSE?!

“This was your house? I- I’m so sorry! I thought it belonged to Brian Goldner!”

<< Pause for slide >>

It was at this point that a bedraggled looking Twilight attempted to strangle the tiny grey horse. Rainbow Dash was forced to hold back the purple unicorn from committing the deed.

“Meh, I’m bored. Burn everything.”

“Now, you can’t jus- “

Scene. The great expanse. A solitary mare floats amidst the debris and ashes of the vast nothingness. Everything is on fire. Everything is gone. Even the mighty Thanos nods his head in appreciation as the blaze consumes him.

The last scraps of life wither away much like that of a vine before a winters storm. Winters’ wrap up indeed.

THE END