The Stallion Who Fell To Equestria
Note: To everypony who wrote what they consider to be The Epic “OC Appears In Equestria” and think I am making fun of them, you can relax. It’s not you. It’s all those *other* stories. Yours is fine. Really.
The Stallion Who Fell To Earth (Parody)
“Twilight! Twilight! Wake up! There was this big light in the sky and a pony just fell out! He’s walking around Ponyville right now, do you want to go meet him?”
“Huh? Spike, cut that out. You know the routine.” Twilight Sparkle got out of bed and stretched in the morning sunshine as Spike went over and consulted the filing-cabinet sized index.
“Alicorns being born under mysterious circumstances, ponies with unnecessarily big cutie marks, ponies with super powers, ponies being chased by alien starships, ponies in high-tech body armor...ah, here we go, ponies that fall from the sky. See sub-index 14-B. Twilight, are you sure we don’t have this too organized?”
“Keep looking Spike!” Twilight got out of bed and proceeded downstairs, giving the coffee maker a quick jolt of purple-tinged magic and began adding freshly ground coffee and water. “Any specials you noticed on our new arrival? Laser-beam eyes? Magical little pets? Blaze of trumpets in the sky?”
“Nope,” Spike’s voice filtered down from the filing room. “Just the standard. Four color coat, glittery mane, steely eyes, huge wings, and a horn longer than Celestia’s. Oh, and he can read minds.”
“Oh great, one of those,” said Twilight, adding a third cup of coffee grounds to the percolator and hitting the Start button. She opened the kitchen cabinet while the coffee was perking and looked through her collection of inhibitor rings before selecting the one labeled ‘innocent thoughts with tinges of suppressed lust’ and carefully attached it to the base of her horn where it blended into her mane. “I am so not ready for another one of these this morning. Why can’t they wait until noon or something after my first cup of coffee?”
Spike came trotting into the kitchen waving a piece of paper. “Here we go Twilight. Found it. Form 116BT. We really should reorder, this is our last copy.”
Twilight yawned, looking daggers at the coffeemaker as if she could make it give out a cup of obsidian goodness any faster by sheer strength of will. Then she picked up a quill and began checking off boxes on the form. “Alicorn. Why do we even have a box for this, they’re all alicorns. Telepathic. Extend-o-horn. Glitter. Excessive color. Hm.” She looked up at Spike who was digging a cookie out of the plastic container. “Excessive backstory?”
“Of course. He’s still out there telling everybody.”
“Ok.” She checked off another box on the form. “Over a thousand words?”
“Of course Twilight, they all are.”
“Figures.” She checked off the box with a vengeful slash. “Transmogrified human?”
“Yep.” Another box checked. “Looking for relatives?”
“Sister, I think.” Check.
Twilight paused. “The giant four-winged alicorn with pyrokinesis and psychic powers who wanted to split the moon in two so we could have one during the day and one at night?”
“Yeah, last week.”
“Oh joy.” Check “Ok, and check the Reorder Form box, sign, and ready for transport. Here you go Spike.”
The dragon took the scroll and fed it into the kitchen fax machine. “It’s on the way to the Princess. Hey, we got some faxes in last night. Vacation trash. Vacation trash. You may already have won... Horn extensions. Tail extensions.” The dragon consigned the whole heap of junk faxes into the trash can with a sigh. “That’s a lot better than before. You can’t believe how sore my throat got with all that junk mail. Oh, and we have a response already. Looks like form C01B, yep, she’s coming here in the sky-chariot. We should probably get outside and greet him so when the Princess shows up, we’re ready.”
“Hang on, hang on.” Twilight grabbed a coffee cup with a drawing of Hilbert’s Sixteenth Problem (solved) written on the side, sloshed it full of coffee and dumped in a half-dozen sugar cubes. “Give him a chance to establish a full narrative, if he’s even capable of it, and give me a chance to get psyched up to meet the esteemed stallion. Do you I should wear my Perky Inquisitive Face?” Twilight smiled and opened her eyes really wide. “Or my Shy Mare Look?” She turned partway and looked up at the little dragon.
“I’d go with the Sexy Seductress, if you can pull it off. I forgot to mention one little thing. Well, not so little.”
“Ewww! Ick! I always feel like I want to shower for a week after that. Oh well, the things I do for Equestria.” She slugged down the rest of the coffee and tried to make her eyes look really big and seductive. “Let’s go meet Casanova.”
Five minutes later she was certain that actually meeting Casanova would have been an improvement over this blowhard. Dialogue, dialogue, dialogue, and the turkey even spelled his own name differently three different times. Finally, as if to bring an end to her sentence in Purgatory, Princess Celestia descended into Ponyville on her chariot pulled by two strong and otherwise mindless Royal Guard pegasi.
“Greetings noble visitor from your far-off land. Allow me to--” Twilight followed along as the Princess went through her Standard Welcoming Speech Ver. 1.5b, complete with noble gestures and actual bowing to the overblown idiot. At least this one showed up in the daytime: the ones that tried for a midnight showing with all the epic stars falling and Signs and Portents always gave her a headache, and Luna was the Princess always assigned to deal with them. She had no idea what happened to those idiots, but whatever process she used must have been at least as effective as Celestia’s, because they never showed up again.
Finally they all three got loaded up in Celestia’s sky chariot, the two hefty pegasi in front panting and wheezing in order to get them all up into the air and headed in the direction of Canterlot. This was the part of the trip Twilight liked. Once they actually got up in the air and the scenery was whizzing by, the idiot normally shut up. Presumably they were saving their Epic Dialogue for when they landed and all the residents of Canterlot would throw their millennia-old loyalty to Celestia and Luna out the window to worship them as gods. She smiled to herself as the chariot began the long curve over Canterlot Lake. Showtime.
Princess Celestia turned to the noble with a bow of her regal head and gestured outside at the scenery. “Behold, my fantastic and beloved visitor. The beautiful blue expanse of Canterlot Lake, by far the deepest and most wild of Equestria. It’s unplumbed depths have no end of hydras, squid, and other such magnificent creatures, all assembled in your honor this fine and beautiful day. Twilight, if you will do the honors?”
Twilight Sparkle kicked the heavy iron ball off the back of the Royal Carriage. The technicolored alicorn shackled to it had only a fraction of a second to say “Wha---” before the ball and the unwelcome visitor vanished into the clear blue waters of the lake with a loud splash. The Royal Carriage gave a lurch and gained altitude rapidly once the deadweight had been removed, and Twilight Sparkle and her Princess looked down into the clear water with mutual pleasure.
“Such a lovely shade of red. Don’t you think so, Twilight?”
“Oh yes, My Princess. At this rate though, the lake will be filled in a few years. But at least the hydras will be well-fed.”
The Princess and the student exchanged a mutual laugh, and then Celestia put a hoof over Twilight’s shoulder. “I feel positively dirty, and in need of a bath. What do you think, my faithful student?”
“I was thinking the exact same thing, My Princess.”
“Good. I’ve got a couple strong young Royal Guard I’m breaking in....
