Errors

by The Cloptimist

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Starlight Glimmer, Trixie, Comedy, Filthy Rich, Adventure, Derpy Hooves, Diamond Tiara
Length: 20176

Three unlikely heroines are accidentally sent halfway across the world. How will they get home?

A magical accident leads to Starlight Glimmer mistakenly sending three unlikely heroines halfway across the world. Now, lost in a strange land, they fight to survive and seek a way home; meanwhile, a guilt-stricken Starlight tries to work out what went wrong, and Princess Twilight gets ready to mount a rescue.

My (deeply unsuccessful) entry for the excellent Season 9 Bingo Writing Contest!
Prompts: Derpy, Tartarus, Maretonia, Pony Politics, Diamond Tiara

"Just go read it, you won't regret it!" - Bug Reports
9/10, My Little Reviews & Feedback
"Entertaining and very readable" - 3*, Louder Yay

Published 2019-04-04 03:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-04-13 00:33:30 UTC

What Went Wrong

"...and remember, a vote for Filthy is a vote for you, and the town, to get RICH! So, on election day, you all be sure to vote Filthy Rich for Comptroller! Thank you very much!"

The crowd of ponies stomped their hooves in appreciation as Filthy finished his speech, mopping the sweat from his brow as he held his other hoof aloft in a victory pose, taking in the applause. The polls had him more than 20 points ahead of his rival already, and after this little performance, that was only going to get better.

Behind the throng of cheering supporters, a group of bored schoolponies perked up their ears, hoping this was the end and they could go back to class now.

"Is this the end?", asked Rumble. "Can we go back to class now?"

Cheerilee, facing away from her students, surreptitiously rolled her eyes before turning around and giving a good-natured smile.

"Not yet, my little ponies," she said, as cheerfully as she could muster. "We have one more announcement from Mister Rich, about an exciting... uh..."

She checked her notes, flipping over the page and dying a little inside when she saw the last item listed for the day.

"...a factfinding mission, and goodwill expedition to Maretonia," she read aloud, "to advertise Ponyville's trade goods across the other side of the world! Isn't that..."

Her voice tailed off as she saw that none of the fillies and colts in her class were even listening to her any more.

"...exciting," she finished, before giving up and looking back towards the makeshift stage.

"And how did you manage to get all these ponies on board with your plans?", asked the reporter pony, floating her quill and notebook in front of her as she waited for a reply.

Filthy Rich smiled, and opened his mouth to answer, before Starlight Glimmer cut him off.

"We wouldn't usually get involved in politics," said Starlight, as the reporter shook her head for a moment before frantically taking down what she said. "But this election is different. As you know, it's a new position, after Princess Celestia decided somepony with business expertise could help Mayor Mare balance the books, to take some of the workload off of her. So, it's not like the mayoral elections, where there's an incumbent who's so beloved by the electorate. And we all thought Filthy Rich was the right pony for the job, so we're happy to support him, even if some of us might believe that an even better idea might be, oh, I don't know, for the workers themselves to control the means of production, and..."

The reporter's quill scratched furiously on the pad as she transcribed her comments, and Filthy took the opportunity to jump in and give a quote of his own.

"It's an honor, of course, to get endorsements from so many prominent Ponyville ponies", he said, cutting Starlight off with an easy, practiced smile, and placing a firm forehoof around the journalist's shoulder, gently guiding her away. "It's well known that I have connections across the board, including among the elite of Equestria. But I like to think that these endorsements I've gotten, from ponies whose opinions I do respect so very much, are a reflection of how my policies, and my plans for increasing our budgetary surplus, have cut across party lines to make me the true consensus candidate..."

Starlight watched as Filthy walked the journalist over to his crowd of hoof-picked supporters, and shook her head before climbing back up onto the stage.

"Are you sure we're doing the right thing?", she asked the two other ponies lined up next to her.

"Ah believe so," said Applejack, buffing an apple against her coat and then holding it up close to her eye, inspecting it closely before gently placing it in a crate filled with similarly shiny, similarly perfect apples. "We've been doin' business with Mister Rich an' his family for generations now, and he ain't never steered us wrong. An' we all talked it over, and ah agreed to go on this here goodwill mission to Maretonia to show off our apples and zap apple jam to new customers in a whole 'nother land. We all reckon it's too good an opportunity to pass up, even if it means puttin' our family name next to Filthy's, when ah don't rightly like givin' the smell of us messin' in politics. A deal's a deal," she huffed, before nodding at Starlight. "So, uh, in short... yeah. Ah do believe this will be good for everypony."

Starlight bit her lip and nodded uncertainly. "And what about you," she asked, craning her neck as the pegasus stretched her wings and began to hover a couple of feet above the stage, lazily flapping, the breeze ruffling Starlight's mane. "Do you think we're doing the right thing?"

"The idea is to show off how awesome Ponyville is, right?", said Rainbow Dash, suppressing a yawn. "We're gonna send a unicorn, an earth pony, and a pegasus, to show off how all the different types of ponies live here in harmony and whatever. And they already picked the unicorn who's most awesome at magic..."

Starlight blushed a little, and Rainbow gave a chuckle.

"...which is you, Starlight, seeing as how Princess Twilight refuses to get involved, and anyway she's an alicorn, so..."

Starlight's blush disappeared, and her eyes narrowed slightly. Rainbow gave another chuckle.

"...And they've got the most awesome earth pony Ponyville has to offer, right, Applejack?"

The farmpony blushed harder than Starlight, and pulled her hat down over her eyes. "Aw, shucks, Rainbow, don't go blowin' smoke like that now, y'all are like to make me embarrassed or somethin'...", she muttered.

"...And so, well, I don't wanna brag, 'cause, y'know, humble, but when they were looking for the most awesome pegasus in Ponyville, who else were they gonna pick?", smirked Rainbow.

"Rainbow...", said Applejack, in a low, warning growl. "Don't go gettin' conceited now..."

"What?" said Rainbow, mock-offended. "It's not conceited if it's just... true!"

Applejack looked at her, slowly raising an eyebrow, and Rainbow held her gaze for a moment before looking down at the ground with a sheepish expression.

"I'll behave, alright?", said Rainbow, before looking up at her two companions. "I'm kinda looking forward to seeing Maretonia with my own eyes, anyway. You just need to worry about looking after your apples and stuff, and getting your spells right."

"That should be easy," said Starlight, with a grin. "The translation spell is really simple, even with three of us, so although most ponies in Maretonia - even in the ducal court - won't speak Ponish on their own, once I cast the spell it'll seem like we're talking in Maretonian instead, and we'll be able to understand what they're saying too. Filthy Rich really wanted us to show off that spell - it's one of the reasons he wanted a unicorn to go on the trip."

"...And the other spell?", asked Rainbow.

"...Is the other reason he wanted a unicorn," smirked Starlight. "The teleportation spell is pretty advanced magic, if I say so myself. You normally need a lot of power to transport anything that far, safely, never mind three living ponies. But I've been studying this for weeks, and I found that if you combined the standard long-distance teleportation spell with Mistmane's Cælum Novum... it takes a bit out of you, but we've tested it over and over again, going back and forth to the Crystal Empire, and you can safely send ponies over long distances, without turning them inside out, or sending them to Tartarus. You just need a few days between castings to recover!"

Starlight beamed, feeling proud of her achievement.

"...Wait up, 'turning them inside out'?", asked Applejack, alarmed.

"Nothing!", grinned Starlight. "It's perfectly safe."

"...Are you sure about this?", asked Rainbow, skeptically.

"Hey, look! I think Filthy's about to make his announcement to the crowd. Best get ready!", said Starlight, a little too breezily, as she trotted over to take her place next to the rostrum.

Applejack and Rainbow shared a look.

"Princess Egghead wouldn't let us do this if it wasn't safe, AJ," said Rainbow, with a shrug. "Starlight and her have tested this soooo many times now, and they both look fine to me. No inside-out ponies in the castle."

Applejack thought to herself for a moment, and nodded her head before taking hold of her crate of apples and trotting over to line up next to Starlight.

"...and we wish them all the very best Ponyville luck on their historic mission, organised and paid for, of course, by yours truly, and the Campaign for Filthy Rich for Comptroller!", drawled Filthy, bringing forth another round of enthusiastic stomping and cheering from the crowd.

Diamond Tiara looked up from her place right in front of the stage, gazing adoringly at her father as he worked the crowd. Behind her, Scootaloo and Apple Bloom shared a look of concern.

"Are you sure they're gonna be, y'know... safe?", murmured Apple Bloom.

"Yeah," Scootaloo chimed in. "I know how amazing Rainbow Dash is, and how many times she's fought demons, but... Maretonia is, like, soooo far away."

"And hot," added Sweetie Belle, appearing behind her fellow Crusaders. "I hope they're taking lots of water with them."

"You need to relax," said Diamond Tiara with a grin. "My father has this totally under control. Starlight has been practising the spell for so long now, she can practically do it with one hoof tied behind her back. Princess Twilight let her teleport her to the Crystal Empire, and Princess Cadance let her teleport her back. It's all going to be just fine, and then my daddy is sure to win this election. Just wait and see."

"Ah guess," said Apple Bloom, and her friends nodded to her. "Ah'm just glad to be here to wave Applejack off."

"...And to hear my father's amazing plans for this town once he becomes Comptroller, right?", asked Diamond, looking up at the colorful banners and bunting that decorated the stage.

"...Yeah. Totally. That," said the Crusaders, with varying degrees of believability.

"Stand back!", came an announcement from above; "this magic is extremely dangerous, and so we ask you all to please, stand well clear of the stage!"

Diamond looked around for the speaker before seeing Trixie prancing theatrically across the stage. She was dressed in her usual magician's outfit, with her Equestrian Pink Heart of Courage pinned proudly to the front; a vote winner for the veterans, thought Diamond, as she bristled at Trixie's antics.

"Trixie!", hissed Starlight, under her breath. "Stop scaring everypony! The magic isn't dangerous at all. I've practiced it, like, a thousand times. You're only meant to set off some fireworks after we're gone!"

"Stage banter!" whispered Trixie, with a wink. "No self-respecting magician would pass up the opportunity to work the crowd a little more! It'll make it all the more... impressive when it goes perfectly right."

Starlight smiled at her friend. "Thanks, Trix," she said, blushing.

"I'll see you when you get back, OK?", smiled Trixie, and Starlight thought she saw a blush on her best friend's face too.

At the back of the crowd, the school ponies were thoroughly bored, and even the mission's impending departure hadn't sparked their interest after a long day of listening to boring speeches. Snips was idly hoofing a buckball into the air, and Snails was catching it in a barrel, usually without even bothering to look up. Cheerilee had asked them to stop it, but after the first dozen times, she'd given up trying to force them to be interested, and let them play instead.

"...Mandatory field trip", she read from her notes, "to forge a sense of wonder and excitement about the world of local government and pony politics... magic of democracy in action... tomorrow's civil servants..."

She scrunched the notes up with her mouth, and spat the ball of paper on the floor.

"I'm not doing this again," she thought to herself.

Derpy circled around above the stage, humming happily to herself. The bunting she'd hung was still in place, even if it wasn't in the right colors, and all those rosettes and posters looked so pretty fluttering in the breeze. Rainbow had entrusted her with keeping the clouds away, and she'd been patrolling around in a lazy circle for hours now making sure there weren't any clouds anywhere to be seen. She was doing a good job! And there was Mister Rich up on stage, and he looked very handsome, and there was Rainbow Dash, who must be seeing what a good job she was doing, and Applejack, who was always so nice to her, and Starlight, who never got cross when she delivered the wrong letters, or crashed into her windows. It was so nice, to live in a nice town, and to have nice friends!

Oh, and there was Trixie, too. Derpy frowned a little, but then smiled as she remembered what a good job she was doing. And Trixie must be a nice pony, because Starlight said she was, and Rarity said she was, and Princess Celestia had always told her that even ponies who were mean to her were only waiting to see what a good friend she could really be, and so maybe soon she would show Trixie what a nice friend she could be, too!

Was that a cloud...? No, no, just a white pegasus pony. A big, white pegasus pony. Very big, really. Struggling to fly on those tiny little wings. Flying towards the gathering. Flying towards her. Flying straight towards her.

She flapped, hovering on the spot, transfixed as Bulk Biceps flew unsteadily towards her; he had his tongue out, his brow was furrowed, he was concentrating so hard on staying in the air, and he was so busy looking at what was going on down on the ground, gawping as Starlight took her position, lighting up her horn for the big spell, that he wasn't watching where he was going...

A series of lightning-fast calculations shot through Derpy's mind, as she worked out how best to take evasive action and the optimal angles for diverting Bulk away from the ceremony and towards a safe, soft landing, lists of angles and trajectories flitting past her eyes, filing a flight plan in her brain even if she had no idea what her subconscious was doing.

In the blink of an eye, Derpy had her new course locked in, and she angled her body, preparing to intercept Bulk and guide him safely down.

A big red ball smacked her in the face, sending her spiraling down towards the stage.

She saw Trixie trying to bolt out of the way, her terrified face zooming in at alarming speed.

As the world spun, she saw four fillies, right in front of the stage, trying to gallop backwards and out of the way.

She realised she wasn't going to be able to pull up in time.

She saw Trixie's eyes wide in terror, watched her horn lighting up.

She smashed into Trixie, knocking her straight into Starlight Glimmer.

There was a horrible bang, followed by a horrible whistling noise.

Everything went purple.

Filthy Rich picked himself up, coughing and dusting himself off, before his eyes went wide in shock at the scene in front of him.

Rainbow Dash lay crumpled against a post, shaking her head. Applejack was splattered with apple mush, the remains of her destroyed crate. Starlight Glimmer lay unconscious on the ground, her horn flickering and fizzling with bright turquoise sparks. The wooden surface of the stage was blackened from the explosion, as was the grass directly in front, where the Cutie Mark Crusaders lay shielded behind a dazed Bulk Biceps, sitting in the crater where he'd apparenly crash landed.

There was no sign of Trixie.
There was no sign of Derpy.
There was no sign of Diamond Tiara.

Almost in slow motion, Filthy Rich saw Princess Twilight swooping down to the stage, scanning the crowd for injuries. He ran towards her, automatically, and reached out a hoof to grab her.

"...Princess!", he gasped, choking down gulps of air. "What happened? Princess, where's my daughter?"

Lost

PURPLE faded to black, and black slowly turned to red, a dull, thumping kind of red, hot against Diamond Tiara's face, and she realised she was seeing the sunlight through her eyelids.

Gradually, tentatively, she opened one eye, and then the other; the pain didn't get much worse, and the light wasn't as bright as she feared, but she decided not to try any more movements for a moment.

An ant made its way slowly across Diamond's field of vision, crawling in a straight line across tightly-packed red sand. Diamond watched it, marching along, until it passed out of visual range, and thought she'd try lifting her head a little.

The throbbing in her head got slightly worse, but Diamond pushed it down, trying to remember all the hours of lessons her father had drilled into her about reacting to a crisis situation. She'd give herself ten seconds. Ten awful seconds of looking around, and then she could reward herself by lying her head back down on the sand in blissful relaxation.

She craned her neck as much as she could, trying to scan the landscape. The results weren't promising; an ocean of red sand, featureless, stretching out towards the horizon in any direction she could turn her head, flat and barren. She tried to look up at the sky, and determined that it was early in the morning, the sun barely peeking over that distant horizon in one direction, the moon not yet lowered out of sight on the other, the sky streaked with red just like the ground.

That's ten, she thought to herself, and her head sank down to the ground again, delighting in the relief. A few more minutes, and she could try standing up, and then...

"...wha... bleurghhh... wh'appened...?", came a woozy voice from somewhere behind her, and Diamond recognised it as Trixie.

Diamond gulped and swallowed a couple of times, flexing her muzzle before trying to speak. "We're not in Ponyville any more," she said, her voice sounding steadier than she'd feared.

"...whe'rewe?", came Trixie's voice again, nauseous and uneven.

"...I don't know," said Diamond, grimacing as she lifted her head again. "I've, like, never seen this place before."

"...I don't like this", came another voice from somewhere else, timid and frightened. "I want to go home now."

"M'fins?", asked Trixie, still groggy, as Diamond screwed her eyes shut and began to put some weight on her hoof, gradually pushing on the ground until her leg started to straighten up, pulling her up to her hooves.

"...Can we go home?" asked Derpy, plaintively. Diamond planted her rear hoof on the sand and drew herself up to her full height, stumbling slightly as she regained her balance, eyes still shut tight.

"Hang on," barked Diamond, surprising herself with how loud she'd managed to shout. "Everypony stop talking a moment."

They did.

"...So. I'm Diamond Tiara. We've got Trixie, and, uh... Muffins? Anypony else here?"

Silence.

"...Anypony at all? Hello? Is anypony there?"

Silence.

"...It looks like it's just the three of us then," said Diamond.

"...S'm team", came Trixie's voice, with a derisive snort.

"I want to go home now," repeated Derpy, mournfully. "I don't like it here. I want to go home."

The silence was broken by the sound of Trixie vomiting copiously.

"...Feel better?", asked Diamond, finally opening her eyes and taking another look around, beating down her own feelings of nausea.

"...Yeah, actually," said Trixie, as Diamond spotted the magician laid out flat on her back on the sand about two hundred yards away, a pool of sick darkening the red sand next to her face as she rubbed her muzzle with a hoof. Diamond trotted slowly and unsteadily towards her, before reaching a hoof down to help her up.

"Can you stand up?", asked Diamond, and Trixie replied by grabbing Diamond's hoof and hauling herself up to a sitting position, before standing on all four hooves. She was wobbly, too, and the two groggy ponies leaned against each other for a moment before disengaging.

"Muffins?", called Diamond. "Are you out here?"

"...Please can we go home?", came a voice from another direction, and Diamond and Trixie looked around for a moment before spotting the gray pegasus, rocking back and forth, holding her forelegs with her wings and looking at the ground. "I'd like to go home now."

Diamond looked at Trixie and raised an eyebrow, and Trixie only gave a shrug in response... and promptly lost her balance, almost toppling over before she regained her footing.

"Are you OK there, Muffins? Are you hurt?", asked Diamond, ignoring the wobbling magician.

"...I just want to go home," repeated Derpy, still rocking back and forth. "I don't like it here... I want to go home now."

Diamond looked at Trixie again. "Is there something wrong with her?", she asked, spitting the words.

"She's... a little different," said Trixie. "But she'll be OK. I think maybe she just got a little shocked."

"We don't have time for this," grumbled Diamond Tiara, trotting towards Derpy, more steady on her hooves now. "The sun will be coming up soon, and I can't see any shelter anywhere. So we need to get moving, now."

Derpy didn't react, still rocking and whimpering. "I want to go home..." she mewled, again, and Diamond let out an annoyed grunt before placing her hoof on the pegasus' back.

"We. Need. To. Go," growled Diamond.

"Hey, who put you in charge, anyway?", asked Trixie, cantering over to the two of them. "I don't see why a foal should be giving the orders. We just need to find Starlight, and she'll fix this. She always does!"

Diamond glared up at Trixie, her hoof still on Derpy's shoulder. "If you've got any better ideas I'd love to hear them," she glowered. "But the way I see it, we're, like, stuck out in the middle of some desert somewhere in Celestia knows where, and our amazing team is, like, me, the magician, and a retarded mailpony. So if you have a suggestion, by all means, you tell us. But if not, I'm saying we need to be finding shelter, and water, and working out where in Equestria we've ended up."

"...Don't call her that", muttered Trixie.

"Excuse me?" said Diamond Tiara, her patience exhausted.

"Don't call her that," said Trixie, louder and bolder now. "It's not nice, and it's not fair. You shouldn't use that word."

"Pff, whatever," said Diamond, making to turn away, but Trixie grabbed her shoulder with a firm hoof.

"You shouldn't," repeated Trixie. "And she's not... She isn't what you said. She's different, and she's clumsy, but she's not stupid, and she's kind," she said, her voice gathering in confidence, becoming clearer and stronger as she went on. "She's just suffering some kind of shock or something. You should apologise to her."

"Are you serious?", snarled Diamond, anger bursting forth, staring at Trixie with an incredulous look on her face. "We could all be about to die, and you're upset about me hurting her feelings?"

"We all need to work together," said Trixie, and as she pushed her chest forward, the morning sunlight glinted off the jeweled Pink Heart of Courage medal pinned to her dusty cloak. "You need to trust me. We're going to need all three of us if we're going to do this."

Diamond was about to snort a reply, but instead she looked down, where her hoof was still resting on Derpy's back. She took a deep breath, and let it out slowly, closing her eyes and counting to ten again, before she opened them and placed her hoof on Derpy's chin. The pegasus gave a start as she felt the hoof on her face, but Diamond gently coaxed her to look up. Derpy squinted hard, her lip wobbling, and focused her eyes on the little filly.

"I'm sorry," said Diamond, and Trixie was surprised how soft she sounded. "I totally didn't mean to say bad things about you. I'm just, like, scared, OK? I kinda... I kinda think we all are." She looked at the other ponies, before adding: "But it's going to be OK."

Derpy just looked at her, and Diamond tried to muster a smile.

"My dad will be looking for us already. Starlight will be looking for us. Rainbow Dash will be looking for us -" Diamond paused, noting how Derpy's eyes opened wider at the mention of that name - "...and that means Princess Twilight will be looking for us, too. They're going to figure out where we went. We're going to be OK."

Derpy looked at the ground, took a deep breath, and then looked up at Diamond again.

"OK", she said.

"OK?" asked Diamond, raising an eyebrow.

"OK", repeated Derpy, and she stumbled to her hooves.

"Good," said Diamond, as Trixie let Derpy lean against her.

The three of them stood for a moment, and Diamond realised the other two were looking at her.

"...What?", she asked, gruffly.

"Tell us what we need to do," said Trixie. "You've been the calmest one of all of us. Tell us what we should do."

"Me?" said Diamond. "You're the hero of Equestria, don't you have any good ideas?"

"It's like you said", shrugged Trixie, as Derpy looked back and forth between them. "If I have an idea, I'll let you have it. But right now, you're right. We need to get out of here. And I don't even know where here is."

Diamond looked at her for a moment, and then nodded.

"Alright," she said. "Ideas. I don't know where we are either. But I do know that there will be a search party coming. So I say... Let's pick a direction, and stick to it. Trixie, can you do a teleport spell?"

"I don't think so," said Trixie, crestfallen. "I tried to do one back in Ponyville, to get out of the way, and since then my horn's just been hurting whenever I try to do any magic. And... well, I wasn't very good at them anyway."

Diamond just stared at her.

"I mean," continued Trixie, sheepishly, "I could maybe turn a rock into a teacup for you?"

Diamond continued to stare.

"...If, you know... you had a rock...", said Trixie, her voice tailing off.

"Okay", said Diamond, after a moment. "Wait a second... Do you remember what happened at Ponyville?"

"I only remember being on the stage, getting ready to do my Great and Powerful firework display, when I heard a noise and looked up to see somepony hurtling towards me out of the sky. I think I crashed into Starlight just as we were both trying to do our teleportation spells, and something got mixed up...?"

"...it was me," came a timorous voice, and both Diamond and Trixie turned to look at Derpy.

"What?", asked Diamond.

"...It was me. Who crashed into you," said Derpy, her eyes filling with tears again. "I was trying to stop an accident which would be really bad because a pony was going to crash, and then somepony hit me with a big red ball, and it knocked me into a big spiral, and it hurt my wing, and I couldn't turn and get back up again without me hitting into you. This is all my fault," she whimpered.

Trixie moved to cuddle her again, but was interrupted by Diamond, her voice clear and firm.

"No it's not," said Diamond, decisively. "Hey. Look at me. It's not your fault," she said, looking into Derpy's eyes, trying not to be distracted by their mismatched, wayward pupils. "You didn't do this on purpose. You said you were trying to stop an accident. I think a bunch of crazy stuff just... happened, and we were, like, there."

Derpy blinked, and looked at her.

Diamond nodded, in what she hoped was a calming gesture. "And now, we're, like, here. And we need to... not be. So, I say, don't worry about what happened. Worry about getting out of here. OK?"

Derpy nodded, and wiped her tears away with her hoof, before blinking furiously and using her other foreleg to wipe away the sand she'd just rubbed into her eyes. Diamond watched this whole tableau unfold, but said nothing until she was done.

"Now... can you fly?"

Derpy didn't respond. Instead, she slowly and gingerly stretched her wings out, flexing her feathers, checking for damage. Grimacing, she paused for a moment, and nuzzled her face into her wingpit before making a growling noise, which turned into a yelp. With a triumphant look on her face, she emerged from her wing with a large, bent gray feather clasped in her mouth, spitting it onto the floor.

She fixed a determined look on her face, and crouched down, and then blasted up into the sky, hovering ten or eleven feet off the ground, her frown now replaced with a beaming smile.

"Great!", called Diamond Tiara, and Derpy's smile got ten times bigger. "Can you see anything up there?"

Derpy scanned the horizon, her misaligned eyes taking in the flat, featureless sand in every direction.

I'm helping, she thought. I'm helping and I am going to help fix this mess! I am going to be so helpful!

But her heart was starting to sink as she looked around, again and again, seeing nothing. It was as if somepony had laid out a huge, flat red carpet and dumped them right in the middle of it, smooth and flat as far as either eye could see; there weren't even any sand dunes to use as navigation aids, just the sun, the moon... she couldn't even make out the stars now, the morning sky was getting too bright.

This is not very good and I am not being very helpful!, she chided herself. Diamond Tiara is counting on me. I am going to do this.

She flapped her wings harder, and began a steep vertical ascent, sensing the air pressure in her finely-tuned pegasus ears and nostrils, feeling the resistance against her feathers, making endless flight calculations as all pegasi unconsciously learn to do from foalhood. Twenty feet. Thirty. Forty. Fifty feet. Eighty. One hundred. Two hundred feet.

She was getting a little dizzy, but she wouldn't stop. I am going to do this, she silently repeated to herself. I am a helpful pony. I am going to be a helpful friend and a good friend and I am going to do this.

At three hundred and fifty feet, she stopped, the ponies in her group looking like toys beneath her, as she slowly flapped in place, turning in a tight circle, scanning and scanning, and...

There.

Far in the distance, to the south - 208° south-southwest, ran a voice somewhere deep inside that she couldn't even consciously hear - the sand changed color. Not by a lot, but a darker band of red was definitely visible, with specks of orange or yellow... something had disrupted the sand.

Hoof tracks. She'd found hoof tracks!

She waved and pointed her foreleg towards the tracks, and then slowly descended down to her companions. Her descent became less and less graceful as she slowed and neared the ground, flapping clumsily as she kicked up a small cloud of dusty sand before her hooves touched down.

"Over there," she gasped, pointing, as Diamond and Trixie covered their mouths and spat out the dust. "There are tracks. Over there."

"Muffins," said Diamond, walking over and gently booping the pegasus on the nose, "I think you just saved us."

Derpy beamed with pride, and Trixie couldn't help smiling too.

"OK then," said Diamond, straightening herself up. "If there are tracks, there must be ponies somewhere nearby. We're gonna head on over that way until we reach those tracks."

She steeled herself to give some instructions, pretending she was back in the school playground ordering the fillies and colts around. This wouldn't work unless she sounded like she believed in herself.

"Trixie! You and me are going to, like, leave our own tracks in the sand, so that if the search party try and retrace our steps, they'll see which way we've gone. Muffins? You can fly along with us, and look out for any ponies... or animals... that are waiting for us. We're gonna find our way back to Ponyville."

Diamond turned to face the direction they were going to be walking, and winced a little before turning to face her companions.

"Are you with me?", she demanded, trying to sound as confident as she could.

Trixie and Derpy both looked at her, and nodded enthusiastically, and Diamond had to work very hard not to break into a huge, disbelieving smile. I'm the leader now, she thought to herself. Me. A filly. This is on me.

She tried not to let that terrify her too much.

"Then, like, come on, let's go!", she said, and started to walk.

No looking back. Ponyville, here we come.

A(nother) Road to Friendship

"Teleport!"

(Ftzzzzt.)

"Hngggh, no. Teleport!"

(Ftzzzzt.)

"Come on, come on! TELEPORT!!!"

(Ftzzzzt.)

"Would you stop doing that? You know it doesn't work. Why do you have to keep on doing it anyway?", spat Diamond Tiara, through a mouthful of dust.

"Well excuse me if I haven't just accepted we're stuck here! I can't just do nothing. The Great and Powerful Trixie does not end up dead in some desert somewhere in the middle of nowhere!"

"Nuh-uh," said Derpy, crossing her forelegs as she hovered a couple of feet above. "We aren't gonna die."

"How can you know that?", whined Trixie.

"Because Diamond said so," beamed Derpy, happily. Trixie rolled her eyes and pulled her cape further over her head.

"I wish I hadn't lost my hat," she moaned.

"We could have all taken turns wearing it!", grinned Derpy, seemingly unbothered by the sand getting stuck in her teeth as she gave a wide, cheery smile. "I could have been The Great and Powerful..."

"...Please don't," snorted Trixie, unamused.

"At least she's trying to stay positive," snarled Diamond Tiara, brushing more sand out of her face.

"Oooh, yes, staying positive, that's what's going to save us," drawled Trixie, rolling her eyes as she shielded them behind a hoof. "I just don't see a lot of good news at the moment. We found these tracks. Yay. But the hoofprints seem to be going in both directions, and for all we know, we're following them the wrong way! What if they just end? What if we've spent days following in the hoofsteps of a pony who realised she was lost, and decided to turn back on herself? What if we find her... or what's left of her?"

"What are you talking about, 'days'? It's been, like, a couple of hours," said Diamond Tiara, trying to keep a lid on her annoyance. "Muffins couldn't see anything for miles in either direction, we had to pick one, we're following them this way."

"She's right, Trixie, I looked and looked and there was nopony there wherever I looked at all," nodded Derpy in confirmation, earning another snort.

"We could have split up," said Trixie.

"Yeah, we could have. And maybe one of us would have found something, and found a way to get word back to the others, and we'd all be safe and rescued."

"Yes, that's what I'm-"

"Or maybe we'd all have been walking away from each other for a hundred miles before we all collapsed from lack of water, or because some desert animal saw one of us alone and decided we looked good to eat or something."

Derpy gave a nervous squeak at the mention of desert animals.

"...We're best off staying together, Trixie. My daddy always said so."

"Why does your dad spend so much time teaching you survival basics?"

"He's obsessed with something bad happening to the family. He says he has nightmares about me being foalnapped and held for ransom or something. He says that's why he stayed in Ponyville... I mean, we could live in Manehattan, or even Canterlot full time, we could have a huge house and I could go to a private school and everything, but nooooo, he likes Ponyville, because everyone's so friendly. He says it's safer there. I think he's crazy. How may monster attacks and crazy scrapes happen there? And... this" - she gestured at the desert around her with her hoof - "isn't making his argument any better."

"Your dad really loves Ponyville, huh?", asked Trixie, speeding up her walk to catch up with the angry filly.

"I guess," said Diamond. "But I wish he liked Canterlot more."

"You wouldn't like it there," said Trixie, almost dismissively. "It's clean, and it has nice restaurants, it's fine for a visit, but... I don't think it's a good place for ponies who aren't unicorns."

"You're a unicorn," said Diamond, confused.

"Yes," said Trixie. "But I'm not really their kind of unicorn, either."

"I'm a pegasus!", chimed Derpy, happily.

"...Anyway," continued Trixie, after a confused pause, "I've never felt entirely comfortable in Canterlot. One time I was trying to do a show there, and of course all the stuck-up unicorns were giving me trouble. It's always the same. 'You need a permit to park your wagon there, Trixie! You can't perform for paying customers without a ninety-bit license, Trixie! Your last illusion could have landed the schoolponies in the hospital, Trixie!' Ugh, like they couldn't have worn raincoats? I told them the first two rows might get wet. I told them! OK, sure, they probably thought I meant from one of my illusions, and not from me knocking over that water tower, but, I mean, come on, wet is wet! Right?"

Trixie realised she was scowling, and took a deep breath, spitting out more sand, before continuing in a calmer fashion. "No, Canterlot is not for me. I guess I was just too Great and Powerful for those snobs. Give Trixie Las Pegasus any day of the week!"

"I like Ponyville", said Derpy.

"Well, that figures," said Diamond, and then checked herself, noting Derpy's crestfallen expression. "I'm sorry, Muffins. I didn't mean to be rude. Why don't you tell us why you like Ponyville so much?"

Derpy gave a huge smile, happy to be included in the conversation. "Ponyville is a nice place! All my friends are so nice and friendly. In Cloudsdale, all the ponies used to laugh at me and call me mean names when I dropped a parcel, or got an address wrong, or messed up Winter Wrap Up for the birds because I just love talking to them so much while I'm flying, and everypony thought I didn't know which way was south but it was not because of that, I just liked hearing the birds sing, and when I talked to the birds they never said mean things or called me bad names or looked at my special eyes like that, and then when I came to Ponyville everypony just liked to sing and dance and Fluttershy said she liked talking to the birds, too, and I could talk to her birds whenever I wanted to, and she could even tell me what they said to me sometimes too and I thought it must be the happiest place in the whole of Equestria, and when I do clumsy things or accidentally break stuff or make a mistake, everypony always just says it's OK, and usually they smile, and I like my job so much, and I like helping my friends, and then there's the Doctor, and..."

Derpy's voice tailed off as she realised her travelling companions were just staring at her.

"...I like Ponyville," said Derpy, sheepishly.

"...I like it too," said Trixie, and gave Derpy a little smile, which the pegasus returned tenfold. "C'mon, Muffins. Let's all keep going. We'll all be back home soon."

Diamond gave a snort, and made a show of rolling her eyes, but she didn't say anything to correct them, and the three of them kept on walking.

"I've been thinking," said Diamond.

"Oh, this should be fun," snapped Trixie, and Diamond ignored her. Their tempers were starting to get frayed now; the sun was rising in the sky, the air was getting hotter, and the lovely breeze from Derpy's wings was ruined by the fine sand it inevitably beat up from the ground into their eyes and muzzles. They were thirsty, and lost, and fed up, and even Derpy's childlike enthusiasm had started to wane.

"We said these tracks couldn't, like, keep going forever," said Diamond, pressing on despite Trixie's annoyance.

"Well, it certainly feels that way right now," said Trixie.

"See, well, that's what I was thinking about. Nothing seems natural about this place, it's all weird. There's nothing, no hills, no sand dunes, nothing but these tracks. The whole place is just flat, and red, and... it's, like, endless."

"The Great and Powerful Trixie commends your remarkable powers of observation, Diamond Tiara," snorted Trixie, condescendingly, and Diamond gritted her teeth. "We can all see that. What does that have to do with anything?"

"Has anyone ever told you how annoying you are?", snapped Diamond, finally losing her patience.

"...Yes," said Trixie, quietly, as Diamond continued to vent.

"I'm trying to get us out of here. I'm just a filly! I shouldn't be expected to be doing this! You're the adult, and a hero of Equestria, and you've done nothing but whine, and cast spells that don't do anything! At least Muffins is helping! And this is at least as much your fault as hers!"

"I just don't know what went-" began Derpy, but Trixie cut her off.

"You think this is easy for me?", said Trixie, her eyes welling up. "If Starlight was with us, she'd have us out of here in no time! She makes everything look so easy! What can I do? 'Oh, Trixie, you're such a great stage magician!' Great! I can pull a rabbit out of a hat, but I can't save us!"

She closed her eyes, breathing slowly, and tried to pull herself together.

"I was trying to stop the accident from happening," continued Trixie, in a softer and quieter voice. "I was trying to save us, and I just made it worse."

She looked up at Diamond Tiara, with an apologetic expression.

"...I always make things worse."

"...You don't," said Diamond, after a long pause. "You were only trying to help. You did what any good pony would have done, it just... didn't work. That's not your fault. At least you tried, right?"

"Well, you're trying now, and I know I should be nicer about it," said Trixie. "I'm not a leader, I know that. And you really remind me of Starlight sometimes, the way you just kind of... take charge. I wish I could do that sometimes. It's taken me years just to be able to remind myself that, even if some ponies judge me on my past, I don't have to be that way any more."

"Yeah, well, you should have, like, met me a couple of years ago," said Diamond. "I wasn't very nice, at all. I spent most of my life shouting at other ponies, and wondering why everypony didn't do exactly what I wanted them to do, all of the time. And I was so mean to the Cutie Mark Crusaders, because I just didn't understand what they were going through, or what they were doing, or how they always managed to make such a mess doing it. Well, I still don't know the answer to that last one, but... whatever. And I'd, like, lash out at them, and I said some really horrible things that I wish I could take back, but you never can. Daddy always says, 'don't run from your mistakes, learn from them'. And... I'm trying to do that. I know why they forgave me for it. I still, like, don't know how."

"At the ceremony... the one where I got this thing," said Trixie, pointing to the Pink Heart of Courage still attached to her cape, "I spoke to Princess Celestia. I couldn't believe it, you know? Princess Celestia, talking to me, a common street magician who once tried to banish her faithful student to Tartarus. I was so scared... and it was just amazing. She told me that even if some ponies never accepted me, even if they never believed I'd truly changed, that wasn't important. She said she knew I wanted to change, and not because I'd done this great and powerful thing to help save Equestria, but because I didn't give up when I could have. She sat me down, and put her wing around me, and for a moment, just that one little moment, I felt like I hadn't done all those awful things, and that all these ponies saying nice things about me were telling the truth. Like I actually deserved it."

Trixie stared down at the sandy ground.

"...It was the best moment of Trixie's life."

"I think you are both nice ponies," said Derpy, breaking the awkward silence, and swooped down to envelop both of them in her spread wings for a big, cuddly hug.

"Uh... thanks," said Diamond, trying her best to wriggle free, while Trixie just shrugged and leaned into it.

"Wait a second", said Diamond, her ears pricked up. "Go back. What did you say about Twilight?"

Trixie visibly flinched at the mention of that name, causing Derpy to hug her even closer. "What?"

"About what you tried to do to Twilight," said Diamond, deep in thought.

"Oh, Trixie did all sorts of horrible things. I made her a laughing stock, I got hold of this evil amulet thing and punished her friends with evil magic, I took over a whole town, I tried to banish her to Tartarus..."

"Tartarus!", said Diamond, her eyes lit up. "That's it. I remember hearing about it."

"What do you mean?", said Trixie, finally pulling clear of the hug, as Derpy continued to smile.

"I mean, what if these tracks really did, like, go on forever? Because they're, like, not real, and that spell somehow sent us to Tartarus?"

"I don't like that idea," said Derpy, nervously. "Tartarus is for bad ponies. We are nice ponies."

"We're trying to be nice ponies," corrected Trixie.

"No," said Derpy. "That's silly. You used to be mean, but now you aren't mean any more, and everypony always told me that a mean pony is just a nice pony who has lost their way. And you are trying not to be mean, and that makes you nice."

"What about you, then?", said Trixie. "You've always been 'nice', right?"

"I do break things and bump into things and forget things sometimes," said Derpy, looking down. "And I think I did make an accident happen. But it was an accident. So I don't think we are bad ponies. If this is Tartarus, it must all be a big mistake, like the mistakes I sometimes make, and nopony is being mean to us on purpose."

"It doesn't matter why we ended up here," said Diamond, face-hoofing. "Although, I'm pretty sure we aren't, like, being punished for bad things we did in the past, or whatever. But we need to get out of here, and if we did get sent to Tartarus, then I think maybe just, like, walking forever is not gonna do it."

"Wait, though, hold on a moment," said Trixie.

"...guys?", said Derpy, but Trixie waved a hoof to quiet her.

"OK. If this is Tartarus," said Trixie, "then how come we haven't seen one other pony or creature since we got here? Wouldn't it be full of, I don't know, criminals and stuff?"

"...Guys," said Derpy.

"Well, maybe it's, like, a magic thing," said Diamond, tapping her hoof on her chin in thought. "Maybe every pony who gets sent here sees something different. Like, a unique punishment, or whatever."

"Guys," said Derpy.

"What, and so our punishment for being so bad in the past is that we have to keep walking on a road that goes nowhere, until one of us has this conversation and realises why we're here? And Muffins just got dragged along by accident?", said Trixie, one eyebrow raised in skeptical confusion.

"GUYS!" yelled Derpy.

"WHAT?" barked Diamond Tiara. "What is it now? Friendship is important? Hugs are great? You can see some sand?!"

"There's ponies," said Derpy, pointing with a hoof.

Diamond Tiara and Trixie stared in disbelief as, on the horizon, a huge cloud of dust became visible, getting larger and closer, followed by the silhouettes of several ponies at its heart. As they got nearer, the trio could make out that the new ponies appeared to be heavily armoured, and carrying long spears, their metal tips glinting in the sun.

"Should we run?" asked Trixie, nervously.

"Where?" snapped Diamond. "There is literally nowhere to go."

"What are we gonna do...?", asked Derpy, scared.

Diamond Tiara took a deep breath. "We're gonna find out where we are."

Seven tall, lean earth ponies in full metal armor slowed down in front of the three lost travellers, each with a long lance-like spear strapped to their saddle. The pony at the front had a long, thin beard hanging down from his chin, and Diamond immediately noticed his armor and barding was much more polished and decorative than the others, the golden metal shining like a mirror in the desert light, causing her to shield her eyes.

"Hal almuhur yatajawal fi alsihra'?!"

The leader pony pointed at her, and barked something in a gruff voice; even though she'd been expecting it, she still felt a pang of disappointment when she realised she couldn't understand what he said. Whatever it was, he sounded deeply unhappy about it.

"My name is Diamond Tiara," she said, and this time her voice came out a little less confident than she'd hoped. "These are my friends."

"Hal 'ant bkhyr? Daena nahsul ealaa bed alma'!", shouted the leader pony, pointing at her again.

"I'm sorry, we can't understand you," said Trixie, stepping forward. As soon as she moved, two of the new ponies adopted a much more aggressive posture, and drew their spears.

"Min fadlik, nahn faqat nurid musaeadatak! Tueal maeana, naetaqid 'anak qad tahtaj 'iilaa einayat tabiya!"

"I think we startled them," said Trixie, and Diamond shrank into herself a little, before standing up as tall as she could again.

"We're from Equestria, and we're lost. Can you help us? Do you speak Ponish?"

The leader pony looked at her blankly, before he turned to one of his team and started shouting at them, occasionally interrupting to point at Diamond.

"Aetaqid 'anaha mujafafat warubama majnunat bed alshay!"

Trixie and Diamond looked at each other nervously. Whatever that was about, it couldn't be good.

"So, you know I said, like, not to run for it...?", said Diamond, backing up as the strange ponies started advancing towards them in a menacing fashion. The leader pony noticed them backing away, and roared something else at Diamond.

"Nahn nurid faqat lamusaeadatak!", he shouted, and Diamond stumbled as she tried to walk backwards as fast as she could. Trixie stepped in front of her, hiding the filly behind her cloak.

"If you want to get to her, you'll have to get through the Great and Powerful Trixie," she shouted, and grabbed a smoke bomb from one of her cloak's hidden pockets. There was a BANG, and a flash, and then the whole world was replaced with a cloud of gray smoke.

"Let's go!", shouted Trixie, grabbing Diamond under her hoof and dashing off in a random direction... only to find herself face-to-face with two angry foreign ponies, pointing their spears at her as she skidded to a halt on the sand.

"Well, it was worth a try," said Trixie, as she sat down on the ground and lifted her forelegs above her head in what she hoped would be a universally recognised sign of surrender. Diamond fell to the floor, and then immediately did the same. Derpy, still flapping above them, copied their gesture.

"Aistahabahum 'iilaa markaz alshurtati. Yumkinuna 'iirsal kalimat 'iilaa aldawqat wanaraa ma yajibu alqiam bih baed dhalik!", shouted the leader pony, and before any of the three could react, they found themselves surrounded by angry ponies brandishing spears, gesturing to them that they wanted them to get up and walk with them.

"Well, this is just great," said Trixie, as one of the foreign ponies shoved her with a forehoof. "Hey! Leave her alone," she shouted, as she saw another pony grab hold of one of Derpy's hooves and pull the pegasus down to the ground.

"It's OK, Trixie," said Derpy, quietly, as the pony let go of her, and she found her footing on the ground. "A mean pony is just a nice pony who lost their way."

"You're still being all chirpy when this is happening?", snorted Diamond, only to recoil slightly when the pony next to her flinched at her raised voice and gave her a snarling glare.

"I don't like it," said Derpy, looking at the floor. "I want to go home. But... I think we didn't go to Tartarus like you said. And that's good!"

Diamond shook her head, as the pony prodded her along some more. The one hope, she thought, is that right now, my father and Princess Twilight are putting together the finest rescue team in Equestria. Everything is going to be OK...

...right?

~~ Five minutes earlier ~~

Captain Abdul of Her Grace's Maretonian Ducal Guard was feeling pretty annoyed at having to take this patrol out to investigate some crazy merchant's reports of a tiny, travelling dust storm far away on the coast road, but, well, orders were orders. He wondered how far he'd need to go out into the desert before he could officially classify the mission as a bust, confirm there was nothing there, and head back into town. Again. As his squad galloped along, he wondered why the Commander made them investigate every single report by every traveller with a hoof-smudge on his telescope.

"Captain?" said Corporal Fatima, and pointed her hoof up the road. Sure as hay, there was a tiny cloud on the road. Captain Abdul raised a hoof, ordering his ponies to stop.

"Spyglass," said the Captain, and took the telescope from his corporal. Looking down the road, he could clearly make out a pegasus flapping her wings above two ponies walking on the ground, a filly and a mare in a starry-patterned cloak.

"Travelers. They look like they're in trouble. Come on," said the Captain, and pumped his hoof in the air; at the signal, the rest of his team galloped forward down the road to meet the new arrivals.

The Captain slowed when he noticed the mare was a unicorn, and he made the signal to his men to watch out for magical attacks. He wasn't unduly worried, she looked tired and weak, but being alert to possible surprise attacks helped keep his ponies alive.

He noticed the filly was wearing some sort of... crown... thing. A dignitary from some travelling desert tribe, maybe? But then, what would she be doing traveling out in the middle of the desert like this, with no water, no shelter, and just these two mares for guards?

He noted her weakened condition, and decided to try talking to her in his most respectful Traditional Maretonian Greeting Voice.

"Have you ponies been wandering in the desert?!", he bellowed.

The filly flinched, and said something in a language the Captain had never heard before. He looked at the Corporal, who shook her head.

"Are you alright, miss? Do you need medical assistance?"

The filly didn't answer, but the unicorn mare in the cape stepped forward and started talking in that same weird foreign language; just like in their training, Aziz and Aysha immediately moved into a defensive stance, ready to repel a magical attack. The Captain motioned with his rear hoof for them to hold position for the moment.

We should have brought a translator, he thought to himself.

"Please, we only want to help you! At least come with us to the town, and we can find you a doctor!", he roared, as Traditionally and Respectfully as his vocal cords could manage.

The filly backed away for a moment, and then started talking again, but it was hopeless, the Captain had no idea what she was saying.

"I think they're dehydrated," he said to Corporal Fatima. "And possibly a bit crazy."

He tried to mime to the filly while he spoke, hoping he might make himself understood. "We - only - want - to - help - you!", he shouted, slowly, pointing at her as he said that last word. The strange ponies just looked at each other, and started to back away.

Suddenly, the unicorn mare started shouting at him. Before he could react, she grabbed at something in her cloak, and there was an explosion of smoke that blinded the whole party.

"Damn it!", yelled the Captain. "Apprehend them, now! Non-lethally!"

Aysha and Aziz moved instantly, swiftly charging left and right around the smoke cloud, flanking the new ponies from the rear; as the smoke cleared, they held the new arrivals at spearpoint, waiting to see if they tried anything else stupid. Luckily, it didn't seem like it; the mare dropped to her rear legs and held up her forelegs in what the Captain assumed was a gesture of submission. Aziz looked at the Captain, who looked back with some relief and nodded.

"What now, Captain?", asked Corporal Fatima, still holding her spear towards the newcomers.

"Let's take them to the police station," said the Captain. "We can send word to the Duchess, and see what we're supposed to do next."

Author's Note

It's supposed to be Arabic, albeit a machine-generated transcription of Arabic that was likely not so great in the first place, so... if anyone reading this actually does speak Arabic, all I can say is, I'm really sorry for (probably) completely butchering the language!

The Finest Search Party in All of Equestria

The air hummed and flexed, and a manticore idly stared up through the bars of her cage, looking past the increasingly bright magical haze and towards the familiar glowing runes on the far ceiling, before resuming picking her claws at the packed dirt.

Filthy Rich looked over at Princess Luna and Princess Twilight with a nervous expression, but they were both concentrating on the spell, and the room began to warp and bend around them as time briefly turned itself upside down and everything tasted blue.

"First time?" asked one of the guards, and Filthy could only manage a queasy nod. The guard next to him tried to look sympathetic. Starlight looked visibly ill, too, but the guard nearest to her didn't say anything, simply gripping her spear harder.

"Twilight and her friends managed to walk here last year", said Starlight, between shallow breaths, and Filthy looked up to see large beads of perspiration forming on her forehead, below her bandaged horn. "Why do we have-"

"Because we follow procedure," said the guard, gruffly, and Starlight thought she saw her rolling her eyes beneath her helmet.

"...Yes, but why?", continued Starlight. The guard's eyes narrowed again.

"Tartarus isn't just a big cave under a mountain. The physical door you heard about - because we now share highly sensitive, classified information with civilians, apparently" - she took a moment to look disapprovingly at Twilight - "is a secure portal to a different plane, and visitors aren't usually allowed in and out of there; the Princesses made an exception last year because magic was disappearing from Equestria and they needed answers. Try a stunt like that today, the unicorns on guard would make ash of you, long before you got to the front steps and Cerberus ate you... Ma'am."

The magic was getting more and more intense, and it was becoming harder and harder to hear the guard's words over the increasingly loud humming sound that surrounded them.

Despite trying not to be sick, Starlight pressed on. "But we could-"

"The amount of magic that's going on out there, to keep all the prisoners inside and alive, is very complicated. So complicated that it takes a lot of power just to get to the part of Tartarus you need to be. Since so few ponies ever have a legitimate reason to go there, and because you'd need to get Princess Luna's permission and then prepare a very powerful spell to make the trip, it's usually easiest for Princess Luna to just do it herself," sneered the guard. "It's always best to have a professional handle it, not some civilian amateur."

Starlight winced. She looked to Filthy for support, but his angry glare was even more withering than the guard, so instead she closed her eyes and pressed into the floor with her hooves, just as they began to disintegrate.

There was a massive white flash, and the room disappeared altogether before reforming as a huge, dark, freezing cavern, lit by eerie magical light.

"...Welcome to Tartarus," said the guard, and stood to attention as the Princesses looked around.

Princess Twilight looked up at the cages lining the walls, rows of barred cells stretching high up towards the far-off cavern ceiling, each one occupied with a different magical creature. A cockatrice glared straight at her, and Twilight automatically flinched and tried to look away; but instead of turning the Princess to stone, the air in the monster's cage, the gaps between the bars, glowed with an intense, buzzing green magic as the creature squawked in pain and cowered in the corner.

"It's probably a good thing Fluttershy isn't here to see this," said Twilight.

"She would, no doubt, have wanted to free the creature," said Luna, as she strode forward, down a long path that seemed to stretch out off the edge of a cliff and into a wall of soft, magical light. "We have seen her dreams of the last time you all ventured to Tartarus. It is... good she did not see this particular wing."

"I know I couldn't find a way to make the separation spell permanent for these creatures, but... is it an idea you've thought about?", asked Twilight, grimacing as she saw yet more cells set into the high stone walls.

"It is," said Luna, blankly, as she looked around her, eyes flicking from cell to cell and rune to rune as she seemingly searched for something she hadn't yet found. "And supposing we were able to make the effects last forever, would you then wish to do it?"

"Well, that's really two questions," said Twilight, deep in thought. "Can you really separate out the different parts of a creature's magical nature, without fundamentally altering who that creature is? And then, is the purpose of a prison to reform and rehabilitate offenders, or to punish them? I mean, it's..."

"Yes," said Filthy Rich, exasperated, causing the guards to look over at him. "This would all be a very fascinating discussion, if we weren't right in the middle of TRYING TO FIND MY DAUGHTER!"

"I am searching even as we speak", said Luna, as Twilight placed a sympathetic hoof on Filthy's shoulder. "The enchantment that maintains this place is not a straightforward one. We cannot simply look from afar to see if there have been any new arrivals or departures."

She pointed at a bare cavern wall several thousand feet away, on the other side of a huge, yawning crack in the floor, and Filthy and Starlight both watched in astonishment as the wall flickered and then melted away before their eyes, transformed to a thin platform in the distance accessible only by a rope bridge.

"There," she said, waving her hoof at the new sight, "is where we were imprisoned when Lord Tirek briefly overthrew us. It was... not a pleasant experience."

"Why can't you just check to see if Diamond Tiara is here?!" cried Filthy, and Luna shot him a look, while the guards glared and gripped their spears even tighter.

"What you ask is not simple," said Luna, biting her lip as she concentrated on another piece of wall... which was now a corridor full of more cages. "In its true form, Tartarus shares a lot of its magic with changeling hives..." - Starlight gave an involuntary shudder - "...and only those who truly understand its ways are able to explore like this. There is no simple spell to give us an accounting of anypony, or any creature, currently imprisoned here. But with careful scrying, we can observe the reflections left on the magic of Tartarus by a particular being, whether a prisoner or an... unwilling visitor," she said, and Starlight shrank into herself again.

"And what about Diamond? Is she here? Are you seeing her reflections?", demanded Filthy, and one of the guards automatically took a step forward before Luna waved her back.

"I am not certain," said Luna. "This could potentially be a lengthy endeavor. We understand your desire to be reunited with your daughter. If she is here, we will find her, eventually."

Filthy kicked out at a pebble with his forehoof, and then watched in astonishment as it bounced against the wall before disappearing in a blue flash, while the wall glimmered and glowed and changed shape.

"Please do not kick the pebbles," said Luna, tartly.

"Are you alright, Starlight?", asked Twilight, as Luna and the guards continued to shine magical beams across the runes in the ceiling, occasionally pointing to some new corner or piece of floor that promptly shimmered and disappeared, to be replaced by new walls and pathways, while Filthy Rich just followed them around, gawping, clearly hoping Diamond Tiara would appear every time a new location was revealed. "You didn't need to come here."

"...I think I did," said Starlight, morosely, rubbing at her bandaged horn.

"It was an accident," said Twilight, reassuringly.

"That's... not what I meant," said Starlight, as she gazed around her. "I wanted to help rescue Trixie and the others, even without my magic. And I know how much Filthy demanded to come along until you gave in, so I wanted to be here to help you with that, too. But to actually be here, and to see it..."

Her voice tailed off, and Twilight gave her a quizzical look.

"This is where I should have been," finished Starlight, softly. "If I'd chosen to attack Princess Luna, and not you, this is where I would have ended up. In one of these cells," she said, gesturing at an empty cage, shuddering at the upturned food bowl, its contents long since rotted away to dust. "Not living in a big, warm room in your castle. Not as your student, and not as your friend."

"Friends will always find each other, Starlight," said Twilight, drawing her in for a hug. "You've repaid your debt to Equestria, many times over. And you're doing it again now, coming along to help fix a mistake that wasn't even your fault."

She looked around, and hugged Starlight tightly.

"You don't belong here," said Twilight, gently. "I'm certain of it."

"They are not here," announced Luna, suddenly, breaking the ponies out of their moment.

"You're sure?", barked Filthy, and the guard finally snapped.

"You will show some respect to your Princess of the Night-" began the guard, as her spear floated into position, before Luna stopped her again with a raised hoof.

"We understand your frustration, Filthy Rich," said Luna. "We... I... am sorry. But your daughter, and the other two missing ponies... they are not here."

"But you've hardly looked," whined Filthy. "How can you be sure? Shouldn't we go in and investigate? You could interrogate some of the prisoners and see what they've seen! Talk to Tirek, or Cozy Glow, or whoever else you have locked away in here who might give me some answers!"

"Those two," said Luna, loudly but not unkindly, "are locked away in the deepest depths of Tartarus, where no spell - no matter how accomplished the caster, Starlight Glimmer," she said, without looking at her, "- could penetrate accidentally. They would not have seen anything our prison did not wish for them to see."

"Shouldn't we at least check, though?" asked Starlight, and when Filthy looked over to her - for the first time since the accident - Starlight thought she saw something other than a hateful glare.

Luna frowned in thought, and her eyes glazed over for a moment before she returned her focus to the ponies around her.

"No," said the Princess. "No new magic has brought anypony past this point, of this we are quite certain. To venture further in would be futile, and, indeed, interfering with the magic hiding those prisoners from us would only risk the possibility of escape for some of the most dangerous villains Equestria has faced over the past two thousand years. We... I... cannot countenance such a risk when there is no chance of success." She looked at Filthy, who seemed like he was about to burst into tears.

"I am sorry, Filthy Rich," she said, with some sympathy. "But it is time to return to Ponyville, and look for new avenues of investigation."

"New avenues?!," spat Filthy, and the guard again took a step forward.

"Indeed," said Luna, ignoring the businesspony's threatening attitude. "You, and Princess Twilight, and Starlight Glimmer, shall have the whole support of our royal guard in finding your daughter, beginning with these two fine ponies here."

The guard's eyes bulged out. "Your Majesty...?" she stammered.

"We are willing to put all our resources at your disposal," continued Luna, ignoring the guard's protestations. "Fear not, Filthy Rich. We will find the missing ponies. We shall search in dreams, we shall send out search parties, and we shall find them."

Luna nodded at Twilight, and their horns began to light up as Filthy and Starlight took up their positions between the guards.

"I still think we oughta talk to Tirek, or Cozy Glow," said Filthy, under his breath, as the return spell began to take hold.

"No," said the guard. "...Sir," she reluctantly added. "Princess Luna's in charge here, and she knows more about this place than any pony in Equestria. If she says there's no need to continue, you need to trust her. And even if you don't trust her, we're not getting any further in unless she says so, so I guess you're going back to Ponyville."

Filthy looked despondent.

"...Besides," said the guard, "it's not like they're going anywhere..."

Author's Note

I had this all ready, with lots of Tartarus stuff, and then the s9 premiere happened and I had to throw a whole bunch of it away! Oh well.

Maretonia, A Land I (Don't) Love

A fly buzzed against the fine mesh wire grille covering the tiny window slot.

Buzz, smack. Buzz, smack.

Diamond Tiara watched it, saw how it never changed its trajectory, never stopped to investigate, just kept on flying towards the freedom of the desert outside, and then smacking into the grille.

She shifted her weight on the uncomfortable cheap wicker chair, and looked at the bored guard pony sitting by the door. The young-looking stallion with the golden moon badge noticed her movement, and stopped watching the fly to look over at her.

For the umpteenth time, Diamond Tiara and Constable Aziz shared an exasperated look, trying to convey their apologetic boredom through facial gestures alone.

Aziz gave a shrug, not wanting to get stuck in another round of the two of them talking incomprehensible gibberish at each other, two melodic languages grinding like rusty hinges when they clashed, two voices getting heated in frustration, before they somehow mutually agreed to just sit quietly.

The translator would be here soon, he reasoned, and then the Captain could work out where these strange ponies came from and what they were doing walking around in the desert, as well as why they seemed to have taken a filly as their leader. He watched the said filly puff out her cheeks and shrug her shoulders, and so he gave her what he hoped was his least threatening smile in return, to let her know he was as bored and confused as she was.

Diamond took a slow, deep breath, and exhaled with a pronounced puff of her cheeks, before looking at the guard pony and giving an exaggerated shrug. The guard grimaced and gave a weird scowling expression Diamond wasn't sure she'd ever seen a pony make before, so she rolled her eyes and started examining the bare adobe walls yet again, trying to tune out the sound of that escapist fly.

Buzz, smack. Buzz, smack.

She thought to herself. These ponies had captured her and her two companions in the desert, and there'd been a lot of shouting and prodding before the three of them were pushed inside this little building, split up, and herded into separate cells. They were obviously guards or soldiers, from the armor they'd worn in the desert and the badges they wore now. They obviously weren't hostile, because the first thing they'd done upon arrival was bring her a pitcher of ice-water with sliced lemons and a plate of folded flatbreads. There had been a lot more shouting between the young guard pony and somepony else out in the corridor, and then... nothing, save the occasional sound of a pony trotting past somewhere nearby.

This place was a dump, she thought, and probably a prison or holding cell or something, but she didn't think she'd been arrested; the guard was bored, even embarrassed, but not hostile. Either way, their arrival would need to be processed, an interpreter found, and that meant, eventually, rescue. She wondered, idly, if she'd have to convince her father to pay some sort of bribe. She wondered, idly, if that might cause him problems with the election.

A huge pony with some sort of telescopic baton strapped to his hoof stomped down the corridor, rattling the door bars with his nightstick, making Diamond jump. Forget the election for now, she thought, we need to get out of here.

The strange gray pegasus balanced the dried date on her muzzle, trying her best to fix her eyes on it, before flicking it up towards the ceiling and catching it in her mouth with a giggle. Constable Aysha giggled too, unable to stop herself. She picked another date from the tray and held it up in her hoof in front of the pegasus, who stuck out her tongue while she concentrated on it, her eyes slowly drifting into focus.

Aysha raised an eyebrow and threw the date up in the air, whereupon the pegasus squinted and caught it on her muzzle again, holding it there before flipping it up in the air.

The Captain had drilled Aysha repeatedly to be on her guard with this strange pony. "Look at those eyes," he'd said; "a possible sign of evil enchantment, maybe? Be alert. She looks innocent enough, but then that's exactly how she'd act if she was planning something..." And on it had gone. Although there were no windows for her to escape, if the pegasus suddenly decided to launch herself into the air and attack from above, Aysha's defensive position would be very weak until she could predict the attacks, and...

...and Aysha found it impossible to reconcile the idea of the deranged pegasus raining down iron-shod hoofbeats on her flimsy dress uniform skullcap from multiple angles above, with the sweet creature sitting obediently in front of her now, panting like an excited puppy as she waited for Aysha to throw another date. The Ducal Guard Academy had had that whole semester devoted to countering cuteness as an effective tactic, but right here, right now, Aysha was starting to feel that if the pegasus really was an enemy, well... this much cuteness deserved to best her in battle.

She flicked another date up in the air, and the pegasus gave another pleased little giggle, almost like a cat's miaow. There were worse guard duties she could have been assigned, thought Aysha; it would almost be a shame when the interpreter came and inevitably took her pegasus pet away. She began to sigh, but then caught sight of the pegasus blowing a raspberry at her, and Aysha broke down into giggles once again.

Derpy could not remember why she'd found these ponies so frightening before. This one was so nice! The way she gave her all this extra fruit, and the unmistakeable, cute, strangely-accented giggles whenever Derpy did her fun trick... this was a nice pony. These must be nice ponies, and that meant they would all be going home soon!

The mean-eyed guard mare had stopped barking things in her strange language, and now she sat on the opposite side of the cheap folding card table, forehooves crossed, staring straight at Trixie.

Trixie knew better than to try and lash out again. The moment she'd realised her smoke bombs had been confiscated, she'd known they were in trouble. As her friends were led off in different directions as soon as the party got inside this building, her fears had grown substantially. As she was directed to sit on a rickety-looking wooden stool by the wall of a dingy cell, she'd realised this might be her only chance, and made a lunge for freedom.

Trixie estimated she made it somewhere around three feet before being pounced on by this gruff mare, and now she found her left foreleg chained and padlocked around the stool, pulled up next to a table, as if she was being interrogated by the pony who'd flattened her during her big break for it. Pointless, beacause neither of them could understand the other, so she might as well be describing a six-legged pony with a purple polka-dotted mane...

She'd had some choice words about this state of affairs, explaining to the guard mare exactly how much trouble she was in for detaining the Great and Powerful Trixie, Official Provider of Entertainments to the Crowned Heads of Equestria! And also how her best friend was one of the most powerful unicorns in the world, and could totally take out their whole place if she wanted to! And she also knew one of the Princesses, yes siree! And a powerful enchanter in the Crystal Empire! Oh, these weird foreign ponies did NOT want to be making an enemy of the Great and Powerful Trixie, oh, no, definitely, they did not want to do that, because that was a surefirrrr wayy t'get... throwed... Tart'ruszzzzzzzz...

Once the tranquilizer dart had worn off, Trixie was still chained to the stool, and the mare looked even less friendly than before. Trixie had wanted to mouth off some more, but decided maybe it was time to play it cool. This mare would crack eventually.

By the positions of the shadows on the walls cast by the desert sun outside, Trixie could deduce that several hours had passed. The frowning mare had not cracked yet.

Give it time, thought Trixie. Little does she know, two can play this game.

Corporal Fatima was bored out of her mind. She wondered if she could find an excuse to tranq this infuriating blue unicorn again, just for the fun of it. The idea of a few weeks of KP duty and cleaning out the stables was starting to sound less discouraging than it had before. It certainly sounded better than having to watch this crazy idiot like a falcon, staring straight into her bored, listless eyes, watching keenly for the first sign of any sudden move, or any illumination of the horn. She wondered if she could convince the Captain that she thought she'd seen that horn starting to light up, and, well, tranq first, ask questions later, right...?

Fortunately for the unicorn, somepony chose that moment to bang on the cell door. The Corporal slowly stood up from her chair, eyes never leaving her prisoner, but the unicorn's eyes were glazed over, eyelids starting to droop; she'd barely even acknowledged the noise of the hoof rapping on the metal door.

"You're not going to do anything stupid, are you?", she asked the unicorn, knowing she wouldn't be understood. A pair of pink eyes briefly flicked up to meet hers as she broke the silence, but then flitted back down to the card table as the unicorn gently lay her head down on it.

"Don't go anywhere," smirked Corporal Fatima, before turning to open the door. "What do you want?", she barked at Constable Aziz, who was waiting nervously on the other side.

"It's the interpreter," said Aziz, scratching the back of his head. "He's finished talking to the other two and now he wants to ask the unicorn some questions."

"Finally", groaned the Corporal, "I've been waiting for this all day. Has he been able to discover anything useful?"

"Oh, yes!", beamed Aziz. "It turns out -"

A surging wave of pink magical energy blasted into the two of them from inside the cell, and the Corporal was bundled physically into Aziz, the pair of them landing in a dazed heap in the corridor. The Corporal looked up just in time to see the unicorn smirking at her, before being obscured as the cell door swung to.

Trixie worked fast. She knew she had maybe a few seconds to spare, if that, and her plan immediately kicked into action. She nipped at her cloak with her teeth, pulling the Pink Heart of Courage from the secret handkerchief pocket. Not having the time to congratulate herself on how she'd annoyed the angry mare so much she'd not frisked Trixie properly, she deftly unfastened the pin and quickly set to work with it in her mouth, jamming it into the padlock.

Come on, come on, come on...!

Within two seconds, the lock sprang open, and Trixie immediately teleported herself behind the door. As soon as she heard hooves moving on the other side, she grabbed the door in her magic, pulled it back open towards her, closed her eyes, and slammed it forwards as hard as she could, hearing the crunch of metal against bone. Not bothering to look at who she'd laid out, she concentrated all her magic on teleporting past them and into the corridor; with a bright pink flash, she reappeared several yards away from the cell door where the angry mare and a younger-looking guard colt, barely a stallion, lay nursing their heads.

She hoped she could remember where they took Diamond Tiara, and that Diamond in turn would have seen where they'd taken Muffins. She briefly thought about how this could all be so much easier if she teleported to the other side of the building's outer wall and made a run for it on her own, but her hooves didn't waver from galloping down the corridor in the direction of what she hoped was Diamond's cell.

Still no alarm, she thought, charging as fast as she could. Skidding around a corner as her hooves slid on the well-worn flagstones, she came face to face with an astonished female guard pony, who shouted something at her before nervously lowering her shaking spear.

Trixie didn't have time to stop herself. Working on autopilot, she reached out with her magic and noted the strange succession of mental images flitting through her mind for a fraction of a second at a time... her life flashing before her eyes, maybe? No, no, these were just abstract concepts... bone china... pink... decorated, glazed porcelain... dainty handle...

The stunned guard pony's spear fell from her grip and shattered on the floor, pieces of broken teacup lying all around as Trixie crashed into her at full pelt, and the two of them rolled straight through the unlocked cell door as it pushed open.

Diamond Tiara stood up from her chair, her jaw wide open, and yelled:

"...Trixie, what did you do?!"

"No prison can hold the Great and Powerful Trixie! We're making a jailbreak! Come on!", said Trixie, panting, surging with adrenaline as she lifted a bewildered Diamond onto her back with her magic.

"What?", asked Diamond, flabbergasted.

"We're getting out of here! Now, where is Muffins?", declared Trixie, grandly, though still panting.

"No, no, it's not like that!", gasped Diamond. "I just finished talking to the translator, and he says we're, like, in a police station in Maretonia."

Trixie's eyes narrowed as she processed this information.

"...What."

"Yeah, he said we somehow ended up a couple of thousand miles off course, but that he's gonna speak to the officers, explain what's happened, and, like, sort out this whole mess, so long as we don't cause..."

Suddenly, an ear-piercing siren blasted across the air, causing both ponies to cover their ears.

"...any trouble," finished Diamond, glaring at Trixie.

"Well.. I mean... Oh, come on!", shouted Trixie, exasperated. "How was Trixie supposed to know any of that? And, furthermore, how do we even know we can trust this... "interpreter" was telling you the truth, hmmm? Did you think of that, Diamond Tiara?"

Diamond opened her mouth to speak, but was cut off by a whinnying snort from the doorway. A tall, pale blue unicorn with a dark blue mane and dirty, sand-spattered robes stared in disbelief at the scene in front of him, and Trixie's heart sank down to her hooves.

"...Miss Powerful?!"

Going Out With A Bang

"...And so, they were about to write the Duchess, to, like, contact Princess Twilight and arrange to send us home," said Diamond Tiara, flatly.

"Yes, that is correct, Miss Tiara," said Hoo'far, nodding.

"...But then Trixie went crazy, and so now they want to keep us here," said Diamond Tiara, flatly.

"That is... also correct, yes," said Hoo'far.

"...That explains, like, all the spears," said Diamond Tiara, flatly.

Diamond, Trixie and Derpy looked around at the two dozen guard ponies packed around them in a circle, every one of whom was pointing a spear right at them.

"...I don't like this. I thought we were going to be going home. I don't want to stay here," said Derpy, anxiously.

"What do we do?", asked Trixie, pacing on the spot.

"Well, to begin with, we don't slam metal doors into guard ponies' faces!", hissed Diamond Tiara, and they both looked up into the scowling, bandaged face of the pony they now knew to be called Corporal Fatima.

"Oh, sure, blame Trixie. Not the ponies who hoofcuffed me to a stool for six hours!", snapped Trixie.

"Yeah, well, who-ever would have guessed that picking fights with the guards would end up with us facing down, like, a whole load of big sharp spears?", Diamond spat back at her. Two dozen guard ponies frowned and tightened their grips on their spears.

"Look," said Trixie, trying to pull the conversation back from the brink. "We can spend all day arguing over whose fault this all is -"

"Yours," replied Diamond, without missing a beat.

"- but right now we need to concentrate on getting home," said Trixie, ignoring her interruption. "Hoo'far? Is there any easy way home?"

Hoo'far put a hoof to his chin. "Ordinarily, Miss Powerful, this would be a very simple case to resolve. Given the accidental nature of the spell that you say brought you here, the Duchess would be likely to waive any criminal charges for the three of you turning up uninivited in her country."

"Well, tell them that, then!", said Trixie, flinching as one of the guards scratched his ear and unwittingly waved his spear in her face. "We need to get out of here!"

"Ah, well, Miss Powerful," said Hoo'far, with a grimace. "I would like to help you more directly, but I am currently being employed by these Maretonian ponies. Unfortunately, some of the guards you, ah, accidentally injured in your escape bid feel it would be too dangerous to let you go to the Capital now. They wonder, since they clearly cannot trust you to sit still and not slam a door into anypony's face, whether they can even trust the story you told of the reasons for your sudden appearance."

"What?" blurted Trixie, and immediately regretted it as two dozen spears reacted by moving even closer. She gritted her teeth, panicking. "They could just write to the Princesses!", she hissed through her teeth. "Or Starlight!"

"Yes," said Diamond Tiara, raising an eyebrow. "And I'm sure they reaaaally want to help us out, after you, like, beat up their leader or whatever," she snorted, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"But, Diamond! I don't think they will want to help us, at all!", wailed Derpy, and Hoo'far raised a hoof to quiet the three of them down.

"There may be a chance to do that... if you can prove to these guards that your story is true. I have smoothed the way a little by explaining that you are a travelling magician, an entertainer, and not a powerful mage as they suspect..."

"Powerful mage?" grinned Trixie, quietly, beaming with pride.

"...and I emphasised to them the stress you all found yourselves under, lost in the desert and then apprehended by strange ponies, before lashing out at the Guard. I think they would be willing to believe me..."

"Yes!" said Trixie, pumping her hoof, as the spears took another shuffling half-step forward. "That's what I'm talking about. Thanks, Hoo'far," she said, jubilantly, but Diamond Tiara held up a hoof, indicating that Hoo'far had more to say.

"...if you were willing to prove you are, indeed, an illusionist, by performing a little magic show," he finished, as Diamond gawped at him.

Trixie fixed him with a cynical stare. "Are you just messing with me again?", she said, in a slightly menacing tone which the surrounding spears definitely picked up.

"I assure you," said Hoo'far, dismissively, "this is by far the easiest path to take. If they are satisfied you are not a mage but rather an excellent traveling magician, they will be much more amenable to letting you go, or sending you to the Duchess."

Trixie looked around at the circle of spears and gave a gulp.

Diamond put a hoof up on her shoulder. "You can save us, Trixie."

Derpy put a hoof on her other shoulder. "I know you can do it," she whispered.

Trixie looked at her two companions, and at Hoo'far, and the circle of angry guards. She gulped, loudly, and half expected the spears to take another step forward.

"Okay, fine," she spat under her breath. "The Great and Powerful Trixie will do this, to save her friend's lives."

The hooves on her shoulders turned into a hug as she nodded her assent to Hoo'far, who must have relayed the news to the spear carriers, because they all stood at ease.

"Now... Trixie will need some time to prepare," she said, addressing the crowd. "In order to put on a truly Great and Powerful display of grand illusions, I shall need my stage props, the smoke bombs they took from me when they... threw me in that cell, a chance to see the stage, and..."

She trailed off as she realised Hoo'far was no longer translating her words for the benefit of the watching guards.

"You will be working there," said Hoo'far, gesturing outside to a tiny exercise yard. "The show will take place tomorrow morning, before the sun is too high for such frivolities. You will not be allowed to use your smoke bombs, for reasons of security. And you will not be able to go and buy props. Even if the guards would allow you to leave, which they will not, well, in any case no such items are available for many leagues, in all directions."

"And you just happened to remember all of these restrictions now, did you?", muttered Trixie.

"I would advise you not to waste time. This show will need to be all of your own work, and you will need to prepare it quickly," said Hoo'far with a wave of his hoof.

"Well, what kind of tricks can I do if I haven't got any of my stage props?!", wailed Trixie, and pressed her eyes closed, before slowly opening them again to see the guards still standing safely and stiffly to attention, with their spear tips in the air.

"Miss Powerful," said Hoo'far, as he walked across to join the guards, "that is really more of a question for you."

"I really don't like that guy," said Trixie, under her breath.

The sound of metal clanking and warping filled the courtyard, as Diamond Tiara and Derpy watched on in fascination; their interest was matched by Constable Aysha, who'd volunteered immediately to watch the detained-but-not-detained ponies in the courtyard as Trixie made her preparations, and who now looked on with a curious expression on her face.

"What is she doing now?", asked Derpy, and Diamond squinted to see. The courtyard was getting dark, but every few seconds Trixie's face would be illuminated in red, orange or yellow, as she heated and welded different components with her magic.

"It looks like she's got two of those, like, metal band... thingies, from a barrel," said Diamond, and Trixie looked up at her in annoyance. "Hey, Trixie, is that a loop-de-hoop?", asked Diamond. "Because I remember Apple Bloom doing, like, a bunch of hula tricks with one of those in class a few years ago, and I don't think that's really going to impress these ponies. They're probably a little bit harder to please than a bunch of foals..."

She looked back across the courtyard, to where Derpy was lying on her back, having her chin and belly tickled by a giggly Constable Aysha.

"...Or, y'know, maybe they are," said Diamond, shaking her head.

"It is not a... loop-de-whatever," spat Trixie, levitating a flat stone before using it to bash and beat the metal.

"...It looks like a loop-de-hoop," said Diamond.

"IT'S NOT A LOOP-DE-HOOP!", shouted Trixie, and Constable Aysha looked up in surprise. Trixie gave her a nervous smile, and Aysha looked at her for a moment before resuming playing with Derpy.

"...And Trixie is trying to concentrate here, and not completely freak out! And you are not helping!", hissed Trixie, once Aysha was no longer on alert. "If I don't get this show right, we could be stuck here for months, and I don't have any of my props!"

"You have to keep it together," said Diamond, not unkindly. "The ponies here are weird, and we have to get home. I don't know why they want you to do a magic show, but... I saw your show back in Ponyville, and it was, like, really good."

Trixie looked at her, and Diamond smiled as she continued. "Just... do what you can, and I think it'll be enough. And me and Muffins will be there to watch. So, maybe, you could, like, do it for her? She could use some fun."

Trixie didn't respond, and instead levitated the two metal rings up into the air with her magic. She knocked them against each other twice, and then when she did it a third time, there was a metallic clinking noise, and Constable Aysha gave a loud gasp, followed by a squee of delight as she clapped her hooves together.

"Kayf faealt dhilka?!" asked Aysha, breathlessly, staring at the now-interlocked rings in wide-eyed wonder.

"...A good magician... never reveals her secrets?", said Trixie, somewhat taken aback at the reaction.

"...See? Maybe this will work after all," said Diamond Tiara, staring at Aysha in confusion.

Starlight Glimmer made as if to light up her horn and levitate the papers around, before remembering yet again. The damping effect of the bandage on her horn sent a cold, shivering sensation through her limbs, and she grimaced in discomfort.

"Ugh," she groaned, and looked up at the unimpressed guard, who was standing there examining her hooves. "Can you pass me that map over there, please?"

The guard made a show of annoyance, before lighting up her horn and floating a stack of papers over to Starlight. She paused, and hovered the papers in mid-air in front of Starlight, holding them there for a moment before shaking the stack impatiently at her.

"Gee," said Starlight, as she looked through the floating papers to find the map she needed. "Thanks so much for being so helpful."

"Oh, you're welcome," snapped the guard. "Are there any more important duties a combat veteran lieutenant of the Royal Lunar Guard such as myself can help you with, ma'am? Maybe you'd like me to go and get your groceries, or give you a hooficure?"

"Ugh," moaned Starlight. "Listen. I know you don't want to be here, but Princess Luna asked you to help me, right? And I've had just about enough of -"

"You've had just about enough? It's the middle of the night. I'm meant to be on duty protecting Equestria, not watching you read!"

"QUIET!", snarled Filthy Rich, and the two mares both stopped to look at him.

"We're all tired," he growled. "Starlight Glimmer has been awake for going on forty-eight hours now, trying to find a way to bring my Diamond Tiara home. She came with me to Tartarus when she should probably be in hospital. We need her. So you need to back off and do as she says, because she's our best chance of saving my daughter! Or would you prefer I told Princess Luna just how helpful you're being?!"

The guard drew herself up to her full height for a moment, before seemingly thinking better of it and calming down.

"...Yes sir," said the guard, with a stiff salute.

"Go and get us some more coffee," said Filthy, and the guard nodded and left the room.

Starlight stared at Filthy for a moment, before giving him a grateful smile.

"I'm still mad at you," he said, but the usual edge of anger was missing.

"I know," she smiled. "But we're going to do this. I promise, I'm not going to give up."

Filthy nodded in approval. "That's why I needed that guard to back off," he said. "I can see how hard you're working to save my Diamond Tiara. What you did was dangerous... but what you're doing now, to make up for it... I guess I see why Princess Twilight forgave you."

"I spend most of my life trying to atone for things I did in the past," said Starlight. "This is just another one for the 'Starlight Messed Up Again' pile by now. And I'm going to fix it," she said, scanning the map some more. "I'm so close, I can feel it - I just need to figure out this one last part. The spell must have sent them somewhere. If it didn't send them to Tartarus, and it didn't send them to Maretonia like it was meant to, well, it can't just invent co-ordinates out of nowhere without fresh instructions. I think being hit while I cast the spell, and getting mixed up with Trixie's spell, gave it those fresh instructions. If it wasn't for... this," she gestured at her bandaged horn, "I could track exactly where it had sent them. But with all of these calculations, and a good map, I can try and at least eliminate some places. Then we can arrange for a search party, and then we can get to bringing Diamond home, and you can concentrate on being the new Comptroller!"

"Oh, I'm not gonna do that any more," said Filthy, as he took the stack of papers the guard had been floating around and neatly put them back where they came from. "I withdrew from the race."

"What?!", said Starlight, shocked. "You can't do that!"

"I most assuredly can," said Filthy, firmly. "There are more important things in life. Who'd want a Comptroller who can't even keep his own daughter safe at his own campaign event?", asked Filthy. "I know I wouldn't vote for me right now."

Starlight put the map down and fixed him with a determined look. "Well," she said, "I would. I'd vote for the candidate who's best for the job. I'd vote for the candidate who's working night and day to save his family. I'd vote for the candidate who's showing what kind of pony he is."

For maybe the first time in his life, Filthy Rich was speechless.

"Now, pass me that piece of parchment there," said Starlight. "We can work on the election later. Right now, we have some ponies to save!"

"Maybe you should have run for mayor," muttered Filthy under his breath.

The Maretonian guard ponies stomped their hooves in delighted approval as Trixie held up the two newly-separated metal rings, soaking up the applause.

"The Great and Powerful Trixie thanks you for being such a wonderful audience!", she beamed, as Hoo'far translated. She beckoned him closer, and whispered to him.

"These ponies really like magic, huh?", she asked, under her breath.

"Not a lot of entertainers make their way this far away from Equestria," he replied. "They have never seen these tricks before. I knew they would be won over seeing your wonderful show. Even... this version of it."

They both looked over to the back of the crowd, where Corporal Fatima was still glaring at Trixie, a bandage on her head.

"Well, most of them," said Hoo'far.

Trixie smiled, and took a deep breath.

"Time for the big finish," she said. "I need a Great and Powerful volunteer... Diamond Tiara, come on up here!"

"What?!" blurted Diamond, but Trixie beckoned her up onto the stage. "What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to change your mane color," grinned Trixie. "I haven't done this one for a little while, but since I don't have my escapology chest, or my trick saw cabinet, or my cards, well, I thought this was something I could do without props!"

Diamond glared at her. "I am going to, like, have some stuff to say about this later," she snorted.

"Oh, shush," said Trixie. "Now, hold still, while the Great and Powerful Trixie works her magic!"

"Fix it," snarled Diamond, from behind her huge, bushy green mop of hair, as it continued to grow. "Fix it. Fix it. Fix it."

"Hold on," said Trixie. "I just need a little Great and Powerful correction, and... voilà!"

Diamond's mane was now glowing bright pink and purple as it shrank back to its normal length.

"Now, let's have some applause for my Great and Powerful Volunteer!", said Trixie, motioning for Hoo'far to translate; but before he could finish, the crowd were already stomping their hooves in appreciation, and Diamond Tiara blushed before giving a well-drilled curtsy.

"Great. They liked it. Now, put it back," hissed Diamond, and Trixie grinned. She reared up theatrically, charging up her horn...

There was a bright, blinding flash, and a thunderous KABOOM!, and everypony in the courtyard ducked and covered their heads.

"What did you do now?!" barked an incredulous Diamond Tiara, as Derpy stared in confusion.

"That wasn't me!", whimpered Trixie, as the two uncovered their eyes to look at what had happened.

A group of ponies was standing in a huge cloud of smoke in the middle of the courtyard. As the mist cleared, a tall white pony in an elaborate headdress stepped forward, and a murmur went around the crowd. Corporal Fatima blinked in astonishment, and started babbling something to Hoo'far, who drew himself up to his own full height before making an announcement.

"Miss Powerful, may I present... her Grace, the Duchess of Maretonia!"

"The Equestrians told us where we should be looking, and suggested the Western Desert... and then Constable Aysha here sent word and notified us that three strange ponies were found in the desert," said the Duchess, as Derpy gave Aysha a huge, warm hug.

"Did she now?", said Corporal Fatima, giving Aysha a long sideways glare.

"Indeed," said the Duchess, "and a good thing too. She may have prevented an international incident!"

"...I always encourage that kind of initiative in my troops, Your Grace," said Captain Abdul, and his look told Fatima to stay quiet.

Ponyville
One Week Later

"Alright, my little ponies!", cheered Pinkie Pie as she danced across the rebuilt stage, and the crowd stomped in appreciation. "Let's have a round of applause for the REAL comptroller!"

"What a strange line," said Trixie, as the newly-elected Comptroller Filthy Rich appeared on stage, waving and making victory salutes as Diamond clung to him tightly.

"Hey, I'm just glad that you had Muffins with you," grinned Starlight, as she pulled Trixie in for a hug of her own. "Her being cute saved you!"

"You saved us," said Trixie. "You figured out where the spell must have sent us. You never gave up."

"Of course not," said Starlight, nuzzling her. "I'd never give up on my best friend!"

"Your horn's looking better," smiled Trixie. "How long until those bandages can come off?"

"Nurse Redheart said another couple of weeks," said Starlight. "Although now that we know what happened with the spell, Princess Twilight can cast it whenever she wants. We're going to work on refining it some more, so that it isn't so draining..."

"Good," said Trixie, cutting her off. "You deserve a break. Let Twilight take some of the risk for once."

"She takes risks all the time..." murmured Starlight, but Trixie hushed her with a knowing smirk, looking back up to the stage as Diamond blew kisses to the crowd. She caught her eye, and the two ponies smiled and nodded to each other.

"It's funny," said Starlight. "It all worked out better than if nothing went wrong!"

"You wouldn't be saying that if it was you who got zapp-poof-banged into the middle of the desert," frowned Trixie. "I never want to see sand again!"

"No, Trix, not like that," smiled Starlight. "I just mean, if everything had gone perfectly... Well, do you know what Filthy says he thinks swung the election for him? An endorsement from the Duchess of Maretonia herself, commending his efforts to rescue his daughter, and to not blame the Maretonians for what happened."

"Really?", said Trixie, as she watched the new Comptroller lapping up the applause from his supporters.

"Yeah, actually," said Starlight. "Her exact words were that his big press conference speech really showed how Ponyville was a friend to Maretonia, and how much better this was than if he'd just sent her a crate of apples or something."

Derpy fluttered down to land next to them, and Trixie leaned over to draw her into the hug too.

"I'm glad you were there with us, Muffins," said Trixie, and Derpy beamed happily.

"You are all nice ponies," she said, with a huge smile. "I'm glad I could help my friends. And Aysha is a nice pony too, and she's going to learn Ponish, and we are going to write letters, and she is going to visit Ponyville and I'm going to show her the town and give her some apples, and we're going to be good friends!"

"I'm sure you will," said Trixie, as Derpy flew away, and Starlight giggled.

"Well, this was... fun," said Trixie, looking at the bunting and campaign posters and confetti. "But I think maybe the Great and Powerful Trixie might not be cut out for politics."

Detective Twilight Makes A Bunch Of Notes

"...Let's go over this one more time."

"I told her to just fly around and keep the clouds away," said Rainbow Dash. "I mean, we didn't need her to do anything at all, the Weather Patrol had already promised us clear skies for all of the candidates' speeches. Celestia demanded it, so she couldn't be accused of favoring one pony with better weather than another. But Derp- uh, I mean, Muffins - aw, she just looked so excited when I told her she could help. Last I saw, she was just doing laps up there, with that big smile on her face."

Twilight continued taking notes, her quill floating in her magical aura.

"...And then, the next thing I knew, there was this enormous BOOM and I was on the other side of the stage, with a sore head."

Twilight paused. "That's it? There's nothing else?"

"...I think Trixie was there, but... yeah. That's it," said Rainbow, rubbing at her bruised head.

Starlight winced as the nurse bandaged her horn even more tightly, expertly wrapping the gauzy, glowing fabric around and around with just her hoof and her mouth, making sure the dressing was tight enough to hold it in place but not so tight that it made the visible crack even worse.

"Now remember, you have to let it heal, Starlight," admonished Nurse Redheart. "That means no magic."

Starlight gave her a look, as if to ask if she was being serious, but the look on Redheart's face was utterly solemn, and the words died in Starlight's throat as she let the nurse continue.

"...I know you're so much smarter than I am when it comes to these things," said Redheart, with a sigh. "I know that removing the enchantment on these bandages would be foal's play to you, but please, Starlight... I implore you, don't do it. Your horn could get worse, or even..."

The nurse grimaced before finishing her sentence.

"...Or even break off altogether."

Princess Twilight, and every unicorn within earshot, visibly winced at those words. Lyra turned an even more sickly shade of green, and stumbled behind a convenient bush, followed soon after by retching noises.

"...And if that happens," sighed Redheart, "well, there's no magic in all of Equestria that can put it back together again. Not as it was before. If you're lucky, you'll be able to give ponies a nasty electric shock, or send some pretty sparks up in the air. If not... you'll have to wear an ivory prosthesis for the rest of your life. Decorative purposes only. Do you understand?"

If Starlight wasn't already pale and woozy, that would have done it. The thought of losing her magical ability, the delicate finesse and precision control that made her so proud, froze her to the core, and rather than argue with the nurse, she meekly nodded in assent.

"I know it's hard," said Redheart, kindly, placing a hoof on her shoulder. "But the earth pony life isn't really suited to those who aren't born with our own abilities..."

"It's not that," said Starlight, dolefully. "I mean, yes, it is that, I guess. But what scares me the most isn't losing my magic..."

She turned to look at the blown-up stage, the scorch marks still visible as the guards picked over the wreckage in a hooftip search for clues. Applejack's crate lay half-destroyed, burned apples the size of kumquats and rapidly-spoiling apple sauce scattered in the mess. A huge, charred FILTHY RICH FOR COMPTROLLER poster lay draped across the podium where it had fallen after the explosion, the enlarged picture of Filthy's grinning face warped by the heat into a terrifying skeletal form, and Starlight turned away with a shudder.

"...what scares me the most is not being able to help fix this."

"Where's Diamond? Stop wasting time, I've gotta find Diamond! Where is she?! What happened to her? Come on! WE'VE GOTTA GO!", shouted Filthy Rich, struggling against the two burly earth pony orderlies trying to restrain him.

"I'm not sure you're going to get anything helpful out of him just now," said Nurse Redheart, sadly. "I'm going to have to sedate him again, before he hurts himself."

Twilight gave a small nod, and left the tent.

"So, to recap... you saw you were about to crash into the stage... you tried to dive for an empty patch of grass... you saw a big bright ball of magic... and you threw yourself in front of the fillies at the front of the crowd?"

"YEAHHHH!"

"...But one of the fillies was standing too far forward, and you couldn't push her out of the way."

"...Yeahh."

"It was supposed to send me, Rainbow and Applejack to Maretonia, straight to the ducal palace, to meet their delegation," repeated Starlight, blankly, fighting the urge to scratch at her bandaged horn. "But we all stayed here. And the missing ponies... they didn't arrive in Maretonia either. Spike's already been in touch with the ambassador; nopony showed up there."

"And you don't know exactly what went wrong with the spell?!", snorted Twilight, frustration boiling over into anger.

"I already told you. No. No, I don't," said Starlight, her own irritation and panic showing through as Twilight tried to calm down.

"HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW?!" bellowed Filthy Rich from behind the guard cordon, and Starlight turned to glare at him.

"Have you tried casting a spell that complicated while somepony knocks you over and tries casting their own spell on top of it? I didn't do this on purpose!", she spat, tears in her eyes. "I'm already freaking out here. I need to concentrate, and find out what happened to Diamond Tiara, and my best friend, okay?"

Twilight flew over to Filthy for a moment, and Starlight watched as she whispered something in his ear. His growl slowly dissipated, and he nodded in agreement to whatever Twilight had said.

"I'm sorry, Starlight," said Twilight, as she flew back to her side, taking a deep breath. "We're all just a bit upset, and obviously Filthy is very worried, and... I'm sorry if I'm being short with you. I just... We need to find out as much as we can, as soon as we can."

"I know," said Starlight, poking at the ground and frowning. "I just wish I knew what went wrong. I mean... there are some known risks with that particular spell, but without my magic, I can't retrace the steps. And you aren't the one who cast the spell, so you won't be able to follow the magical residue beyond the portal."

"The portal?" asked Twilight, her ears perking up. "How do you know there was a portal?"

"It was either that, or... well, we can definitely say they weren't turned inside out, right? We totally would have noticed the mess."

"I... pjkskfgff... wha...?!"

Both ponies turned just in time to see Filthy faint to the ground with a heavy thump.

Twilight watched the guards gently reviving him and leading him back to the nearby medical tent, before turning back to Starlight.

"Anything else I should know?", asked the Princess, testily.

"Diamond Tiara was standin' right up front. Ah could see her there clear as day, watchin' her daddy make his big speech about our trip an' such," said Applejack, hoisting a bucket of rubble onto her back, the burn mark on her leg already healing itself as her earth pony magic did its work.

"And did you see what happened to her... after?", asked Twilight, her quill scratching away.

"Ah saw her tryin' to get out of the way when Bulk was doin' his crash-landin' bit," said Applejack, "but ah was too busy lookin' fer Apple Bloom and makin' sure she was safe. An' then the explosion happened, an' ah was up to mah withers in apple sauce, an' also there was the small matter to consider that mah leg was sorta, well, on fire, which kinda took up mah attention somethin' fierce for a minute. An' after ah tamped it out, ah looked around to see if'n ah could see where Diamond got to, but... no dice."

Twilight kept scribbling after Applejack had finished speaking, and Applejack waited, patiently, while she kept on writing. And writing. And writing.

"...So, uh, no. Not so much," added Applejack.

"She was meant to be watching from the side of the stage," said Starlight, biting her lip as she watched the guards moving ponies along. "She wasn't even meant to be there at all, but she kept asking me, and asking me, and saying the spell would be boring if we just disappeared... so I told her she could do her daytime fireworks thing, once we'd teleported off to Maretonia."

Starlight looked up at Twilight.

"My best friend is gone because of me," she said, tears welling up in her eyes, and Twilight stopped her writing for a moment, leaning in to hug Starlight closely.

"It's going to be alright, Starlight," said Twilight, stroking her friend's mane. "We're all here for you. And we're going to figure all of this out, together."

Starlight gave a sniffle, and nodded as she disengaged from the hug.

"...But I need to know everything you're thinking right now," said Twilight, gently, "about what went wrong with the spell. Any ideas you have, any of those little Starlight theories you're always coming up with about how spells combine, anything I might not have thought of... I know it's hard, but even the smallest thing could make a difference right now."

Starlight instinctively tried to pick up a handkerchief with her magic, and the bandage on her horn glowed softly as it nullified the attempted spell. She blinked for a moment before realising what went wrong, and wiped her nose on her foreleg before Twilight handed her the handkerchief.

"I think...", she sniffled, "that Trixie was trying to teleport out of the way, and her spell... kinda... maybe... got mixed up with my spell? And then... and the two spells wouldn't play nice together?"

She paused to dab at her damp eyes and blow her nose into the handkerchief, as Twilight continued to make notes. "Or, well, three spells, because mine was already a combo...", she added.

"So we're potentially dealing with a spell combination that's brand new to Equestria, is that it?", said Twilight, trying not to facehoof.

"...Maybe?" said Starlight, tentatively. "I mean... I don't know! I'd calibrated it really, really carefully, but I think being hit while I was casting it made a difference, too - it not only disrupted the flow of magic just as I was about to release, but I got knocked sideways and couldn't aim the beam either. I ended up kind of just firing a... a big, wide blast. So, if it couldn't find me, Applejack or Rainbow, it might have just looked for the closest unicorn, earth pony and pegasus to take into the portal instead."

"So... Trixie, Diamond Tiara, and Muffins?"

"I mean, I don't know for sure," said Starlight, quickly. "But that's kind of the theory I'm working on right now."

"Do you think..." asked Twilight, and she looked up at Starlight with a nervous expression, unwilling to voice the rest of that thought, trying not to set her friend off again, or to think about things she didn't want to think about right now.

"...I think, if that was what happened, then... I think they should be fine, wherever they ended up," said Starlight. "I can't say for sure. But I'm pretty familiar with Trixie's teleportation spell, and it shouldn't have been enough to mess up my spell so much to cause them any harm; it might have just thrown the coordinates out for their destination."

"But, Starlight... what if their 'destination' was the middle of the sea?!", asked Twilight, her eyes widening.

"No, no no. Impossible. Mistmane wrote her spell to let ponies see the stars at night from anywhere in Equestria and even beyond, and she thought of that. The way I combined it with the teleportation spell, it always looks for dry land, and open space."

"Well... that's something, right?", said Twilight, softly, lifting Starlight's chin with her hoof.

"Maybe," said Starlight, morosely, still deep in thought. "But the biggest risk with combining those two spells is that a lot of the framework I had to use is borrowed from the standard banishment spell. If the magic got so confused that it couldn't zero in on a chosen destination, it's possible it might have reverted back to the default setting from that framework, and sent the ponies to..."

"...to Tartarus", said Twilight, her jaw dropping, as Starlight nodded again, before resuming poking the ground and drawing sad faces.

"SPIKE!", yelled Twilight, and her dragon assistant came running over. "Take a letter, to Princess Luna. Urgently. It looks like we're going to Tartarus."