Jumping the shark

by Ashfur

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Griffons, Random
Length: 1070

Written for a contest. A long-gone fan of the show returns just in time for the season 49 premiere.

Todd left the fandom of MLP around season 3. He recently heard that the now-neverending series is entering its record-shattering 49th season, and decides to tune in for old time's sake... only to find he has a LOT of catching up to do.

Written for the Season 9 Bingo contest. My prompt was:

The donkey nation, two of the main 6 in a relatoonship, Lauren Faust, Chrysalis, and the Groffon Kingdom.

I intentionally wrote this as ridiculous as possible, please consider this to be nothing but the most blatant of satire.

Published 2019-04-06 03:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-04-06 03:10:01 UTC

But it's still a kid's show, right?

Todd groaned. It had been a long day at work, and he needed something mindless to watch in order to tune the world out and relax. He flipped through the channels available to him. The news, a rerun of a rerun of some old cartoon over a century old, that stupid new flashy gameshow about sharks in wigs, My Little Pony...

Wait, My Little Pony? Todd brightened up as memories surged into his head. He had gotten into the fandom over forty years ago, right at the start of season two, and fell in love with the show! But then Twilight became an alicorn, the fandom erupted in rage, and he disappeared from the community. He had never looked back, but now? Now he was a forty-five year old past his prime, and he needed something to pass the time. And with the tv guide screen noting it was the big opener of season 39, how could he say no? It's not like the show could have changed that much over the years... right?

Soft hooffalls echoed across the moonlit hillside as two shadowy figures came face to face. Both were covered in robes to hide their identities, but the ponies tossed back their hoods and kissed.

"We can't keep meeting like this," Rarity said with tear-stained eyes.

"Ah know, sugarcube," replied Applejack. The country mare had an eyepatch over her left eue and quite a few battle scars, a unique trait for a cartoon pony. "But tomorrow is gonna change everything. Ah just wanted to see you one last time, in case... in case one of us don't make it."

"Darling, I know that your work is hard... that's why I've come to admire you from the enemy lines. Why I've come to ask-" Rarity was cut off as the ground shook and loud booming footsteps shattered the silence of the late night.

"WHAT IN TARNATION?!"

"Oh no! They mobilized early!"

"So did mah side!"

BOOM! A massive stine claw, glowing with runes, impacted the hillside miles away. Even from the distance, Applejack and Rarity could see the two mile tall golem of stine and earth, with a nation's entire population living inside it and on its exterior indicated by the small lights of a city. The golem reared up on its hind paws, spread its enormous, rocky wings, and let out a predatory screech that told the whole world what they already knew:

Griffonstone had arrived.

"Oh, ponyfeathers!" Applejack lamented. "There goes our suprise attack!"

"Your what, darling?!"

Rarity didn't get an answer as Applejack looked toward the horizon, where the first rays of the morning sun were beginning to peek through. In the distance, a low buzzing could be heard, like a distant fly just out of reach. One by one, lights lit up the sky like a thousand tiny stars, and Rarity knew what they were. Each star was a mighty battle ship the donkeys had built to cruise the skies after tbe destruction of their ancestral homeland at the hands of Yugdab, the main antagonist of season 17. Each ship flew a mighty flag emblazoned with a quill and inkpot, symbolizing their devotion to their cause. The fleet wasted no time assuming their traditional assault position at a distance, and a single ship flew forward carrying a massive magical hologram generator to relay a message.

The 3d image of a donkey, dressed from head to hoof in holy attire befitting his station, manifested in the air from the projector ship. Tje mighty Griffonstone Golem opened its beak to reveal a similar projector, forming an image of the still-unreformed Queen Chrysalis.

"Heathen!" The donkey shouted. "You and your blasphemous kin go against the word of Faust herself! Surrender the holy text now, and we will make your defeat quick!"

"As if I'd surrender to the likes of you," sneered Chrysalis. You and I both know that there's only one way we can settle this! My griffon army, are destined to erase your pathetic religious views from the kinds of ponies..."

The donkey picked up where she left off. "...And my holy crusade in Faust's name, seeking to reclaim the holy books you stole for your benefit! You , and your giant griffon don't stand a ghost of a chance! So come, let us end this argument once and for all! Today we go to war over the Great Holy Cookbook! And as is tradition, we have the only true battle our kind should ever have..."

The hundreds of Donkey ships, all still proudly flying a Faustian flag, shone spotlights onto their leader's hologram. Griffonstone launched thousands of fireworks, and music blasted from ampitheatres hidden in its wings. Chrysalis and the donkey priest both continued their speeches at the same exact time.

"...with a DANCE OFF!"

The screen faded to black, and a commercial for keyboard cleaner started playing.

Todd turned off the tv and sighed. That was... an ordeal, to say the least. It made him happy that he left the show before it went too far and caused nothing but bad memories and a divided fandom. Still, he was curious now. A brief check on his phone told him that according to popular opinion taken from 173 surveys over the past 27 years, season 9 was considered the last 'good' season of MLP before it started spiraling downhill. He even found articles and opinion peices stating they wish season 9 had been the last season to avoid ruining the show they wished they could still hold dear. Too many convoluted plots, hujdreds of main characters and dozens of magical instant win artifacts just weren't fun anymore for anyone but Hasbro's marketing team.

Still, bingewatching up through season 9 and ending it there might be a good way to spend the weeklong vacation he had just started. He keyed tbe command into his television, leaned back in his recliner, and started to watch, singing that old familiar tune alongside the intro:

"My little pony, my little pony..."

Author's Note

And... done! I don't think many of you who are upset about the end of gen 4 realize how bad it could become if left unchecked. With gen 4 on the way out and gen 5 looming on the horizon, I don't think ponies are going anywhere anytime soon.

That said, I'd watch this episode.